Speaker 1Get the mattress that finally helps you sleep at NFM. Sleep better knowing you made the right choice. Our experts help match you to the perfect fit. Cooling you can test, support you can compare, and motion transfer you can see. Take it home with pickup or delivery. Our comfort guarantee gives you 120 nights to make sure it's truly right for you. Plus get 72-month financing on qualifying purchases. Only at NFM in Granscape. Limited areas. Equal monthly payments required. Some exclusions apply. Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up
Speaker 2Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. Before I start, I want to tell you about my 60 Minutes with Dr. Mary. The online talks. Did you know I do one every month? And tickets are just £8. These are an opportunity for you to have a whole 60 Minutes picking my brain about a particular topic. So, over the past few months, we've talked about tantrums and meltdowns, parenting strong-willed children, social media and the teen brain, as well as I Can Do Difficult Things. Now, that's a workshop that I did, one for your children and one for you, as parents, to accompany it. Now, my next 60 Minutes with Dr. Mary Han is an emotional health first aid for the early years, and this will be on the 16th of November, and is specifically for expectant parents and parents of children who are under five years old. Now, if you've missed a topic, and trust me, there are a load more topics than I've talked about, and you want to know more about them and you want to catch the replay, which you can do for just £8, then you need to head over and you can buy the recording, at www.drmaryhan.com and you'll click on the top, one of the links that says 60 Minutes with Dr. Mary Han. So, you can buy your tickets to the next live talk, or you can purchase a pre-recorded talk that I've given before. Back to this week's episode. Now, this is episode 126, and today's episode, When Tech Takes Over, I want to address the very specific challenges you are experiencing, around managing your children and teens' tech use. I have had so many emails in around this specific topic, and also in the questionnaire that we sent out recently, and it comes up big time. Now, my assumption for this particular episode, is that you find yourselves in a situation where you feel tech, and its use has become totally out of control in your home. Now, in episode eight, so this is one of the early podcast episodes, I do share my top tips for managing tech. So, do go and listen to that one because it lays out a lot of the best practice. But for some of you, the situation has got so bad that you feel that you need more help. We'll talk through some of them, the very specific things with you. What I would add, actually, whilst I'm here, is that on my website, there is a search button, there is a search. So, when I was trying to remember what episode the managing tech was, I went into my website, the top right-hand corner on the home page, there's like a little magnifying glass search thing. And if you put in managing tech, it will not only bring up the podcast, but it will also bring up any blog posts I've written or any courses. So, it's really worth using that search tool that will help you find, if you've got a particular challenge that you're dealing with at the moment, if you enter that in there, it's probably I've already recorded a podcast episode on it or written a blog post, or there may be a 60 Minutes with Dr. Mary Hand that you can tap into. There too. So, the way I'm going to tackle this when tech takes over in this particular episode is I want to start by asking you to kind of remember and sort of contextualize three main things, and then I'm going to give you my five top tips. But these are real practical because for managing tech in the first place. So, if you go to episode eight, it's really what are the rules and the foundations that we ought to set around tech use. This episode is much more, look, Mary Hand, I'm right in the midst of absolute chaos. So, I'm going to talk a little bit about the rules, arguments, tantrums, meltdowns, whatever you want to call it is happening in your home over tech. Give me some things that I can tangibly do now to feel that I'm getting a handle on it. So, that is absolutely what we're going to be doing. So, you can use episode eight and this episode together to kind of get all that you need. So, let's just start off with these three key points that I want you to remember and keep in your mind. The first one is accept you are now on a journey. And this won't be a quick fix. There is no quick fix to this particular issue, particularly if it's become so entrenched, particularly if it feels it's taken over your whole family. You've got teens in bedrooms or children obsessed with the next time they're going to get their iPad or their Xbox or their Wii or their Instagram, whatever it might be. It is a journey. And remember that small, consistent changes can have big impact. It's all about being consistent and persevering. You are taking the right steps after I've gone through all of them with you, but you are taking the right steps and have faith to keep going. What I see time and time again with anything, any challenge that we have with as parents is that when it blows up, when we're in having one of those days where we've just had enough, we're pulling our hair out, we think that this is it. We Google, we check resources, we listen to podcasts, we reach out, we do all of the right things. And then we put things in place and then things get better. And then we become a little bit complacent and we think we've got it nailed and then we don't, we're just not consistent. Or we start something and we're not committed to it. And we really have to kind of go all in. We have to invest our time properly and we have to be consistent. And we have to accept that we're not going to get any quick fixes overnight. You might suddenly get an amazing day where there's no battles, but expect the unexpected, expect for it to plummet again, because that's normal part of it. So that's the first thing I want you to remember. Contextualize the second one. And I'm saying this so much with love, but it needs to be said. Remember, you are the parent and you get to set the framework for tech use in your home, not your children. Yes, it could get very ugly, but keep the end in mind. If you think about it from the perspective of you wouldn't allow your child or teen to eat or consume something which you knew was harmful to them. And tech is no different. Now, I'm not saying that tech is harmful to your children. But overuse of tech is because what happens when we overuse tech is it takes us away from the connection of people in that kind of physical connection. It takes us away from being outside. It takes us away from exercise. It takes us away from friendships, all of these and connection within the family. You would absolutely. Not allow your child to do that if you knew that they were ingesting, they were eating something or consuming something that you knew was toxic and harmful, and yet tech just becomes this sort of pervasive, toxic thing that just wheedles its way in and then takes over. So I'm saying it with love, but parenting is all about making difficult decisions which may make you incredibly unpopular. It may mean that your house feels like a war zone. It may be that your children scream, shout, tell you that they hate you, all of those things. But keep in mind the end goal. We're not this is when tech takes over. My solutions are not about banning technology. It's all about balance. But it has to start with us being really clear what the framework is within our family because we create that culture. So remember, you are the parent and you get to set the framework. So the first one is accepting that you're now on a journey and it won't it's not a quick fix. It will take time. Remembering that we're we're the ones that set the framework. And the third one is audit your own tech use. Be honest and be prepared to make your own changes. Now, it may well be that you're very rarely on your tech. You never take your tech into your bedroom. You don't use it as an alarm. All of the things that exasperate you about your children, you do not model in any shape or form. Fabulous. But quite often we do. So we have to be really honest with ourselves. So that's the third thing is audit what you're doing and then be prepared to make some changes. So those are the kind of things. Those are the context. That's what we've just sort of that's the framework that we need to operate in. So what can we do practically? Let me give you my five top tips. And it may be that you need to do all five. It may be that you need to prioritise different things. And as usual, we will put this all together so you can access it in the top tips. The first one is understand your child or teen's tech use. So understand how they use it, when they use it and the purpose of it, because it may well be that you're actually not battling tech, but you're battling what a crutch that your child uses, a distraction your child uses because they don't feel great about themselves. And that comes from observation. I'm telling you, remember, we've accepted that this is the journey. It won't be a quick fix. So we really need to understand how our children and teens use it. And we need to tackle that, not not the tech itself, because it may well be. we may well find we have much less battling once we've actually dealt with the underlying root cause particularly you know if you're at crisis point because you feel your your teen or your child is on it the whole time and it's taken over your family life then there may well be a reason they may well be using it because they don't want to deal with issues there might be numbing emotions yeah so tech on its own doesn't cause mental health issues but it can turn up the volume on any self-esteem low self-esteem low confidence or mental health issues we need to understand whether tech is being used in this is psycho language this maladaptive it's are we using technology in a way that isn't that doesn't serve us because actually it helps us avoid things so if you've got a child who's having really difficult he's having some real difficulties around friendships they may well be using technology as a way of distracting them and they may well be using technology as a way of distracting numbing not having to think about it not having to talk or acknowledge any of it you might have a child who's really struggling making friends and therefore is using technology actually helpfully because they find that in face-to-face social situations they find that difficult but online through games that you have vetted that are safe for them to be using that they're gaming online with the right people might be a good way of beginning to sort of help with that social environment. social connection but it is only the beginning because obviously social connection happens not only online but we want our children to see that that that's one dimension but it isn't the only dimension around social connections and it's helping them in those face-to-face sort of situations so this is probably the first thing that you should be doing one of the first things because I'm going to give you something else that I think you should be doing from the from the get-go as well but really trying to take a bit of a step back and observe and understand your child or your teens and it may well be that you're not going to be able to do that because you're not going to be able to do that and it may well be that you're not going to be able to do that and it may well be that you're not going to be able to do that and it may well be different you might have three children you might be battling tech with all three but they use it in different ways they've got different uses for it and so if you understand how they're using it particularly where it's become over an over consumption and you tackle the underlying reason behind the over consumption you're much less likely to end up actually having a battle over tech think about it from the perspective of if you have a headache and you have headaches lots a lot of times you're not going to be able to do that because you're not a lot and you keep taking some form of painkiller to get rid of the headache well the painkiller gets rid of the symptoms but it doesn't actually address the underlying cause and it could be that the reason why you're getting the headaches is you're constantly stressed or you're under tension if you dealt with the stress and the tension you'd need less of the painkillers so that's what we're talking about with tech use so it's really understanding that and be open you might have an inkling you might have a bit of an idea of what you think it might be but really try and step back and just observe just notice and begin to have conversation so that's absolutely one of the first things you should be doing the second thing that you should be doing well the thing that i think you should be doing along the same along the same lines at the same time is start with the big rocks now we've all seen that video haven't we of the teacher or some lecturer they've done in multiple versions at harmony
Speaker 3bank we believe that better happens together we're a locally owned bank built on relationships and personally committed to your success our community bankers are ready to make quick decisions no big bank bureaucracy just a custom approach to help you thrive from business loans to mortgages and everyday banking needs harmony bank provides a secure modern experience with a touch of texas hospitality we're harmony bank where better happens together
Speaker 4check engine abs or maintenance light on take the guesswork out of your warning lights with o'reilly veriscan the service is free and provides a report with solutions verified by ase certified master technicians and if you need help we could recommend a shop for you ask for o'reilly veriscan
Speaker 2today where they show you a glass jar and it's got rocks big rocks it's got smaller rocks it's got and it's got sand and they ask you like what do you what do you put in first this is exactly what it is your big rocks are your non-negotiable no screen times start with those have some very clearly defined times devices are not allowed to feature and it may be that you already have that so you can be very smug and say thank you for my hand i've already done that tick but if you haven't or you have some non-negotiables already but you'd like to expand that then that's the first thing that you need to be doing at the same time is understanding how your child uses uses the tech so it's put your big rocks in now i'm going to add some specific things to this big rock so for my my view a big rock and a fundamental big rock is no mobile phones no tablets no mobile phones no tablets no ipads no laptops no electronic devices should be in bedrooms full stop i say this all of the time and i'm very passionate about this and i feel very strongly they shouldn't be in your rooms they shouldn't be in your children's rooms unless you are somebody who has a job in some form of emergency service where you need to be contacted and you have no landline that you are able to have in your bedroom in order for that phone call to come through there should be no tech you're on a back foot the minute you are using those things and you have them in your bedroom and you do the whole yeah but i need it because i'm a grown-up and i have this that's where the chink in the armor comes in because the children and teens are much more likely to do what they see than what we say and if we start showing double standards that's where the arguments begin to come in now clearly if you're working if your role requires you to be accessible then that should be a very straightforward explanation but other than that that should absolutely be a should be a big rock there should also be a big rock around meal times goodness me that's a mouthful there should be no devices at meal times no devices at meal times is the minimum no devices in bedrooms at night so those are my two absolute non-negotiable starters the third one i would have personally from my family is no devices around specific family time that we have each night an earmarked time when both my children and i are working where we spend time together as a family so again no devices in that time but you can do what works for you in terms of what are the rocks in your particular family but let me just give you a couple of tips around the rocks when it comes to having these non-negotiable times you have to deliver on that and you have to be consistent in the application of that including yourself so that's the first rule and then the second one to make it easier is out of sight out of mind don't have tech and devices just play with it and you'll be fine with it and you'll be fine with it and you'll be because what will happen is notification even if you've got them on silent things will vibrate notifications maybe you're expecting some an email from work and it's all too easy to just find yourself sliding over and just doing a quick check and then before you know it everyone's then checking their phones have somewhere depending on the you know where you eat in your home and how that works and what logistics you've got but have the devices where they cannot be seen where there can be no flashing light as a notification comes through or a vibration or anything so that you you and your children and your teens can be 100% fully present in whatever it is that they're doing at that time so understand how and why your children are using their tech the way that they are start with the big rocks the non-negotiables then i want you this is more of an overview as well as a practical day-to-day is i want you to shift your parenting around tech from a monitoring how long are you on it what are you using it for yeah so that we're almost policing and we're taking on that role and instead try and take on a more mentoring role a role that is much more collaborative much more help me understand what it is that you're doing on your devices what are the blogs that you're reading what are the vlog who are the vloggers and the influencers you're following what are the memes that you're looking at what are the youtubers you're looking at so what you're trying to do here is you know and i've said this before we're trying to get a bit of a glimpse through their lens into their world because that helps us understand it helps us with the first point in terms of understanding how and why they use the tech the way that they use it and it then becomes it helps us with some of the other points in terms of you know setting out new frameworks because it becomes much more of a i'm trying to step into your world i'm trying to understand how important this is to you and how you use it and that will be better received than when we take on this sort of police person role this vigilant role of i'm monitoring i am checking what you're on i'm checking how long you're on it for and i'm screening everything and instead we're trying to do it's just a shift which makes such a big difference to their willingness to open up to us now it may well be that you've got you're at crisis point at home at the moment with tech and this particular piece is really difficult Remember the points that we talked about, except you are now on a journey and it won't be a quick fix for some of us the journey will be supremely long and it may take you 12 months to get to where you want to be for others it might take you 12 weeks some might take three weeks we just don't know so it's about being patient it's about being accepting and just knowing that if you're consistent if you keep reaching out if you've got children or teens who have pulled you know the wall has gone up well the wall's probably gone up because of the way that you've approached it previously or not approached it because you've not wanted to kind of engage in that because you felt it's going to be confrontational you know it's that accepting where you are psychologically you've put a line in the sand you're not saying that to them necessarily because that can be confrontational but you've said this is a line in the sand i'm not going to keep doing that anymore we're going to do things differently from this day forward i'm going to do something differently i'm going to be consistent i'm going to communicate i'm going to reach out i'm going to mentor i'm going to try and understand and observe i'm going to put my big rocks in and i'm going to accept that i'm going to get some pushback on that but i'm the parent and that's a non-negotiable and everything else will take me time so i think that that's kind of a really crucial thing so we're observing and understanding how they're using it we're starting with the big rocks we're shifting the way that we parent in this particular aspect of our children's day-to-day lives to it being less of a policing monitoring vigilance to more of a mentoring and then it's about being creative to help our children and teens find new interests to run alongside their use of tech it's all about balance yeah and you may be along the way you might find a new interest if we've understood how our children are using their tech and why they're using it then it may well be that that it's become their go-to bucket emptying distraction numbing and then when they're off it they're going to be able to their mind is busy when they go to bed so when we understand that it becomes easier to introduce the concept of something else and these new interests don't require money necessarily these could be interests around maybe reconnecting with reading maybe reconnecting with something creative whether that's drawing whether that's making things modeling things whether that's lego whether that's creativity in terms of writing whether that's creativity in other ways musical whatever it might be we're trying to help them see that it's about balance because do you remember when we're raising resilient adults we're working with the end in mind and the end is raising these adults who are able to go out into the world they've built their home and their home meets building regulations and they are able to inhabit that and function in society and have a balance and we know that they can't function in society if they're glued to digital devices every free moment that they get so it's about thinking about that and helping them understand it's all about balance and we're not making and we shouldn't make tech the enemy it should be something that works alongside other interests other passions connections and social situations so it's helping them and being creative around that maybe it's things that you do together to start off with and sort of expose them to different things so that they can find alternatives it's a it is helping them about balance and when we think about the big rocks are our non-negotiable non-screen times the next sort of smaller stones may well be times where we there are agreements around times that they do something different and that may start with just one period of time during the day where they have to engage in something else or engage in something as a family so we just need to be creative and look at how that scenario might play out for our particular family and then the fifth and final practical thing that we can do is remember that we have to work together as a family to make these changes yeah so we're looking at what can we do as a family we've got our big rocks we bring those to those those sunday family meetings that i talk so often about this sort of i've noticed that we're you know we're coming away from our big rocks that we put in place around managing tech or i'm noticing that we're battling constantly around the use of tech and this isn't how we want to operate as a family i don't want to be shouting at you i don't want you to be locking yourself in your bedroom how can we as a family begin to create some family time some connection time now whether that's watching a particular television program that you always do at the same time the same you know on the same day every single week whether that's whether you're a family that really loves playing games but you've just kind of got out of that habit whatever it may be whether it's family discos in the kitchen whatever that might be it's about working together and it's about working together as a family to find solutions one that is respectful one that says i understand that this these devices are really important to you because that's how you connect with new people that's how you play with your friends that's how you stay in touch with people who are your old school or where we used to live whatever it is because you've obviously been observing and you understand how your children use it but it's then conversations around how as a family can we then begin to make some of these shifts and these changes so that we can all have that connection and become less reliant we can find balance with that tech use so let me just recap those five so it's initially doing that sort of observation so that we can understand how and why our children use those their tech because it may well be masking an underlying issue that if we tackled that we would have less battles around tech it's starting with the big rocks the non-negotiable non-tech time but making sure that we're not having to deal with the we keep the tech away out of sight out of mind shifting the way that we parent away from policing and monitoring to more mentoring and coaching being creative and helping our children and teens find new interests and equally they might be some new interests for us too and working together as a family to make these changes now my give this week will be these top five tips so they can be a reminder for you but also you might want to sort of play around with which ones you're going to do and how you're going to discuss it and how you're going to do it bring it together within your own family as usual all you need to do is head over to my free resource library drmaryhand.com forward slash library where you'll find the link to download the resource all you need to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access not only to this week's resource but all the other free resources across all my other podcast episodes as ever if you have enjoyed this episode i would be eternally grateful if you could follow and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love so until next time at harmony bank we believe that better happens together we're
Speaker 3a locally owned bank built on relationships and personally committed to your success our community bankers are ready to make quick decisions no big bank bureaucracy just a custom approach to help you thrive from business loans to mortgages and everyday banking needs harmony bank provides a secure modern experience with a touch of texas hospitality we're harmony bank where better happens together
PodcastTranscript AI