Speaker 1Welcome back or welcome to Recovering Out Loud podcast. I'm Anthony. I'm an addict and alcoholic, been in recovery since 2015, relapsed after seven and a half years. Now I have almost two years sober, clean and sober again today. And I want to talk about what do you do when somebody in your circle relapses? Someone close to you, someone that you love, someone that you maybe thought was going to do well in recovery and then just out of nowhere, you've heard that they relapse. This happens to all of us. A lot of us, I shouldn't say all. There are no absolutes in recovery, but the chances are you have a better chance of relapsing in recovery than you do of staying sober. And that's just because of the numbers, the way the things are, the way the thing things are today in addiction recovery, the numbers don't favor us. They told me when I went into my rehab that one in 10 of us were going to make it out, I think. And that was in 2015. They told us that the chances are not good. If you stay in touch with the people that you go to rehab with, most of them are going to relapse and some of them are going to pass away. Unfortunately, I've buried a lot of people in the last 10 years that I've been doing this 11 years I've been doing this. It's part of the unfortunate nature of addiction and recovery. You're going to know people that are going to pass away. Your phone is going to ring. And unfortunately, on the other end of that is going to be, Hey, did you hear that thing? Blank relapsed, blank passed away. You're going to know people that are going to pass away. You're going to know people that are going to pass away. You're going to know people that are going to pass away. Sad, sad nature, but it is the reality. So I want to lead with a feeling that nobody admits. The quiet relief that it was them and not you. And I don't mean dying. I mean relapsing. So when we're talking about relapse, there's this sort of uncomfortable thing when somebody relapses that maybe you can feel that, yeah, of course they did. That's what we do. We're addicts and alcoholics. Doesn't mean that it's any less sad or any less tragic, but it's scary. This is all very scary when people relapse because the way we use leads us toward our grave, unfortunately. So I've been to three different rehabs and I'll tell you every single time I've been, there's been more people that have relapsed than stayed sober with probably exception to the one that I went to in Utah because that program was very intense and it kept people there for longer after they did sober living after. I think most people relapse after rehab because they don't. Go to extended care living. They don't go to sober living. Every time I've went, I've had to go to sober living after and it saved my life. The second time I went to sober living after my Utah treatment, I was getting married. Things were happening fast. So I wasn't practicing my recovery program. And then I relapsed within three months of that treatment center and sober living. The best path, the most successful path, the highest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after.
Speaker 2The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after.
Speaker 1The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. The lowest outcome is the people that go to sober living after. and I had to accept the fact When I went to his funeral, I got a lot of closure in that I apologized to him and I felt that I was forgiven in that moment. But it only happened when I showed up and I said a prayer at his funeral and I had to grieve him because it was sad. He changed and I felt like I lost my childhood friend and we were childhood friends for a long time. You can't cause anyone to relapse and just the same way you can't keep anyone sober. Okay. Next we have the survivor type guilt. So this is like the Titanic. I survived and everyone else didn't. You get guilt from surviving addiction and other people don't. The feeling of why am I sober and they're not can be heavy and irrational all at once. Then we have the both sides view. So when I relapsed, here's my side of it. When I relapsed, the only thing that helped me is when people around me just stayed close in contact. They texted me and said, they called me and said, Hey, I'm thinking about you want to go to a meeting? Hey, how are you doing? Hey, just checking in. Hey, I'm thinking about you. Those are the only things that worked for me. They started to pierce my armor. I talk about this on my podcast a lot. My wife did this thing where she sent me pictures of us in recovery and sobriety and said, I miss this. This was amazing time. Remember this? And she wrote a whole paragraph that might work. It worked for me. It pierced through the armor. It didn't get me sober right away, but it made me feel guilty about using, which is, and losing my relationships. It made losing my relationships feel more real than they actually were feel closer than they actually were yelling at someone and telling them they need to get sober and change their life is not going to do anything. So just stay connected to them, text them, call them once in a while and just check in, see how they're doing. Hey, want to go to a meeting? Hey, want to do this? Want to go for coffee? I'm here when you're ready. That's another powerful one. I'm here when you're ready. Okay. Four relief that it wasn't you. So the taboo, this is the, the flash of relief. Thank God it wasn't me. And the immediate shame for feeling it. This does not make you a bad person. It makes you human and afraid. So if I'm being honest, I don't know that I've ever had this feeling of, thank God it wasn't me. I've had a feeling of gratitude for being sober when somebody's relapsed, but ultimately I just feel sad for them. And I want to help them because I know what it's like to be in a relapse. Also, I know that I couldn't be told to get sober. And so I know that nobody could get me sober when I relapsed. And so when somebody relapses today, there's this acceptance of lack of power that comes through my mind, but that doesn't mean that I don't need to connect with them and text them and call them and take them to a meeting. I can still do all of those things. And I do, I try. So where the, where the relief actually comes from, it's not gladness at their pain. You're not happy that they relapsed. Maybe you are, but I'm not. It's your nervous system registering that you're still safe, different thing entirely. So what to do with the shame underneath that shame festers in silence, naming the relief to yourself, to someone safe takes its power away, get it out. What to do with all of it. Section five, protect your own sobriety first. When somebody relapses around you, always, always, always put your sobriety first, because if one person relapses and then you relapse with them, you're both screwed. Nobody can help anybody. Put your sobriety first so that you can be of service to other people. First and foremost, get your sobriety in order, clean your house, stay connected yourself so that you can help them when they're ready. You can't pour from an empty cup. Supporting someone in relapse while neglecting your own program is how two people go down instead of one. Boundaries aren't abandonment. You can love someone, hold the door open, and still not set yourself up on fire. Set yourself on fire to keep them warm. What support looks like versus what enabling looks like? Yeah, so enabling is maybe you're letting them crash on your couch and they're continuing to use. Maybe you're giving them money. Well, that's a good one. You're paying their bills. You're buying them groceries. It sounds harsh, but you're enabling. Anything that enabling is preventing the natural consequences of their addiction. I'm going to say that again. Enabling is when you prevent the natural consequences of their addiction. Whatever that looks like. Whatever natural consequences should have happened, you got in the way of that. That's enabling. You let them sleep on your couch, sleep off a hangover. You continually let them sleep off a hangover. You let them, you feed them. When that money goes to work. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch.
Speaker 3You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch. You let them sleep on your couch.
PodcastTranscript AI