Every single time I have stride for perfection. - Yeah. - That's when I've tripped and fallen on my face. - Me too. (upbeat music) - Hello there, you're listening to the Girl Talk podcast. My name is Carol. - I'm Kelly. - I'm Trisha. - And we're glad you've joined us today. Let it go. I'm not talking about that song from Frozen that we all got. - Let it go. - Let it go. - Let it go. - That's it. We're not talking about that, but we are talking about how to let it go in life when perfection steals your joy. That's especially harder than singing the song. - It is. - It is. - But it especially happens during this time of year. - Oh, sure. - Yeah. My goodness gracious. Perfection is every which way you turn. I this used to be the hardest holiday for me as a single parent because I would go to church and I would see the mom and the dad and the three kids. They didn't bring in their dog, but I'm sure they had one. And it just looked like the perfect family situation, you know, and I would compare myself to that and not be able, I'd be distracted by that and not able to celebrate and enjoy because I thought I'm different and I'm less than and all the things that are wrapped up in that picture. And none of those people said anything to me or intended that, but it was just my own insecurity and my own idea of perfection and my own idea of what a family looks like, you know, and it was hard for me. It used to be the hardest time of year. - And none of that's true. Just to make sure that is very clear, it is not just 'cause you look different, just 'cause you act different, just 'cause your family looks different, does not make you less than. - That's right. - In any way, shape or form, you are just different than and they're different than and everybody's different then. - Well, then people are different than they look sometimes. - Absolutely, absolutely. - They're different than they pretend to be. - So what drives perfection, especially during this time of year? - Well, I think you nailed it already because you said insecurity. And so digging into what insecurity is, that is a major driver of perfection or at least it has been in my life. - Okay. - When you're finding your security in how you appear to other people as an example. Like getting your family all dressed up and ready for whatever event or taking the right pictures or putting it up on social media so that it looks good. - I loved a couple years ago when you did the photo of your family and you're the only one smiling. They're all looking at you like whatever. - I was like this pajamas. - Yeah, Christus John. I like they were all looking at you like, "Oh my mom made it." - I can hear them, say it right there in the picture and I loved that. - It was so fun and so real. - I like actually to do outtakes as my Christmas pictures. When I do Christmas cards, when I do them and I haven't done them the past couple of years, but before that I was doing outtakes because I think they're number one, they're just more real and they're, I think they're funny. And it's actually like what's happening at my house. - Right, so I don't need to pretend that we're always wearing the right bows and outfits and whatever. No, no, no, we're looking crazy. We're mad at each other, we're irritated, we're tired. - Sure. - So I feel like Christmas cards are a great way to just really be honest with what's in all. - Absolutely. Yeah, you know for me, for perfection, it's about me. Like it's all about, it's selfish. It's selfishness, it's the very self-centered. It's the look at me, I want to, you know, if I'm really honest, I want to look better than she looks with her family. I want to be, I want to be the one you look at and with all the positive feelings, I want to, I want to get the accolades, I want you to notice me. Notice me and think of me as good and even better because I, you know, I checked all the perfection boxes, and it's so gross. - What do you think drives that? Because, sure, I get that, but sure. I think it also, I think digging, digging, digging in, it's because we're identifying ourselves by the way other people perceive us. And that is the definition of insecurity, in my opinion. It's this. - Yes, yes. - I know that, yes, I know all those things. And still, it's hard to let go of it, but wanting to manage what other people think about you. - Well, I think if you want to dig even deeper, it gets even grosser than that. It's about that I actually want to be God. You know, that I want to be my own God. I want to be in charge of my own life. I want the glory that's his. - Uh huh. - I mean, it's the enemy. It's the flesh. It's my flesh. It's the sin nature that I have, just playing itself out the way it did in Lucifer, who just wanted to be God. I'm no different. We're no different when we peel back the layers. The difference in us is the Holy Spirit. It's Jesus in us. It's not me, because in my own fleshly desires, I want to stand on my own throne and put my hands on my hips and be like, "Look at me, I'm fantastic, I'm perfect. You should want to be like me too." And we're all honest, that's true. - Yeah, well, that's really the heart. - That's the ugly sin field. Sin field, sorry. - Not sin field. - No, I just put that. - The West don't care a lot in me. - The old comes out every once in a while. - Sin field, filled, filled. - Very good. - Yes, thanks. Part of me, that's just ugly and gross. And the reason why we need a savior, because he takes that away and he gives us the power over all of that. So I just calmed up on my soapbox there for a minute. Well, okay, let's talk about this, then I'm gonna get very specific, 'cause you know me. When is perfection stolen your joy? - Anytime I am, I'm leaning to perfection. - It's impossible to keep up. Okay, here's a silly example of this, but it came to mind when you asked that question. When my mother-in-law comes to town, I want my house to be clean. I want it to smell good. I want the trash to be out of the house. I want things to be shoved in the closet. - Yeah. - They're in there, they're just shoved in the closet. - Stop the guess closet. - That's right, the upstairs closet. So I want her to walk in and I want this house to look perfectly. Now here's what I know. - Yeah. - In seven minutes, it will not be perfect anymore. In seven minutes, there will be food stains on the thing, the dog will have peed on the rug. You know, the kids will have messed up several plates. - Yeah, all those things happen. I just, and that's the silliest part about it. I just, I want to hold onto that perfection and that doesn't last. And guess what, I don't think she cares. - Yeah. - So she's never mentioned it. And I beat my head against the wall for that six minutes of perfection that's not even real because if you look behind the closet, you'll see all the things and maybe under the bed. But that's, I mean, that's where perfection makes me crazy. You try, it's like you're trying to hold water back. It just doesn't work. - Right. - Those are such great examples. And I think that's, those are all applicable to everything we go through. I mean, I can think of a hundred times when I've tried to be perfect and look perfect and every single time, you know, I used to have seen in my churches, on my church's praise team. And every time I would go into seeing with my own, oh yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna nail these notes perfectly. I'm gonna do this every single time I would mess up a note. Every single time there would be some moment where God's like, I'm gonna need to nail them. - Just to smidge, because it's not about you, Kelly, Brandon, it's about me and you need to point people to me not to you. So every single, like you said, every single time I have stride for perfection. - Yeah. - Me too, including a trip into church when my dress was tucked in my spanks. - Oh no. - Oh, that's hilarious. - In the back? - Yes. - Oh nice. - So you're trying to with all the spanks to be? - I was, I was like feeling my oats that day too. - Did someone tell them quickly? - Yes. - Okay, that's very good. - And I'm sure they haven't forgotten it. I'm sure it's like their family joke. - That's pretty funny. - But I always do this stuff like that. - Yeah. - I am, the number of times I have my clothes on wrong when I come to work, should alarm all of you people. - You get this in the dark. - The gym I used to work out at. - I had one lady who was, her old job was to check my clothes and make sure I had everything right side out. - Quality control carol. - And at least a couple times a week. - She'd be like, "You're sure it's on-hand side out." - That's funny. - And I have to go back in there and check. So I think for me, it's been more about the older I get the more I just embrace my imperfection and just go with it. - Yes. - It's become like, you know. - It's funny. - I thought, I mean, I actually did after I dressed, was tucked in my spanks. I actually thought about moving. - I'm like, I can move and never see anybody. - You will never see me again. - But I was like, "Okay, I love this church. I'm going back." - You can laugh and people can laugh and everybody feels better when somebody's vulnerable enough to say, "Hey, I'm goofy or I'm not perfect and I use spanks, okay?" - Well, it brings down all of the need for everybody else to pretend like they're perfect. - Yeah. - From the temperature. - All of a sudden, we're coming to relationships more authentically and less, you know, with this desire and this need to outdo each other and one up each other and, you know, have this perfection. It's like, all right, how can I just be real?
I'm that person, they're like, I'm not as bad as I really am. Oh, I used to want to see a name to feel better about my parenting, for sure. Yeah, for sure. You're like, so, yeah. Where are these people from? Yeah. Yeah, so perfection can definitely steal your joy. But I'm going to get a little bit more serious here. What is perfection? And even the need for perfection say about our relationship with God. I think for me, when I try to be perfect, I try to circumvent-- I mean, it's just what you said. I try to circumvent God's authority over my life and say, I'm the one in charge here, and I'm going to do it right, because I don't trust God. That's what the bottom line is. For me, at least, I just feel like I-- when I try to be perfect, it's because I, like Adam and Eve, wanted to be God. I also think that for me, and I'm only going to speak for me, the times where I am striving for perfection, is also a teller of how much time I'm spending with God. That if I am in the Word, if I am praying, if I am centered and focused on Him, I'm not getting in my own way. He's taken over for me. And so when I am feeling that need for self-validation, it's because I'm not given enough of it to Him. And I'm not spending enough time in the Word with Him. I mean, that's true for me, too, because I think it takes your eyes off yourself and put some on Him, you know? And I think when you're seeking that perfectionist mindset or that perfect situation, your eyes are all on yourself. And what goes along with that is anxiety. Have you ever sought a perfect situation and not felt anxiety? No, they go hand in hand, because it is that same thing of I better do it, because I don't trust you, God. And so really going back to trusting Him, but the way we trust Him is spending time with Him and spending time in His Word and remembering His character and all of those things, it goes back to that each time. And can I just visit this real quick? Because I thought the definition of perfectionist was to look at someone's home, like if you do their home and their weeds are all pulled and open their fridge and there's nothing with mold on it. And you know, they have closets or not. Yeah, there's not dirty dishes in the sink. All those things, I was like equated that, 'cause a friend of mine told me one time she was like, you're a perfectionist, I was like, have you seen my house? Like, no, I'm not. She goes, hold on, you're perfectionist because you have an idea in your mind of how you want things to go. And when they don't go that way, it ruffles your feathers. Ooh, that's good. And I pouted. I'm gonna be honest, I pouted for a while. I think I thought to her for a while, but she was totally right. Yeah. My therapist told me the same thing. You're the same thing. He said, you are perfectionist. I'm like, no, I'm not. Look at me. Yeah. And he's like, you are perfectionist in the areas that you think you can control. Mm, he, I was just saying, it was the same thing. And I'm back when he stopped talking to him. Right, that's good. He's got it. He's got it. He'll be back back, okay. But it is the same thing. Yeah. It doesn't look perfect. Yeah, always. And it depends on what your, your struggle is. You know, it may be your house. That may be your perfection thing. Or it may be your work. Or it may be what your family looks like. Or your hobbies. So, here's the idea that I have in my mind to tell me if this is accurate. I think perfection is grabbing it. Stuff and holding on tight, fisted, grip, grip. And the other option is just to release and to give it. Yeah, surrender. Yeah, absolutely. How free does that feel? Sure. I mean, that just feels good just in you saying those words out loud. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Surrender and letting go. Oh, I want that. Well, remember when you were a kid. Okay. Now, I meant not everybody has this experience. But if, if, if there was a moment in your childhood when you were safe, like, I think I'm like a car trip or something where I, I didn't know where we were going. I didn't pay or reserve the condo. We're going to beach as a family or something like that. And I'm just completely at peace in the back seat, reading a comic book, knowing that I'm with my family, everything. The food's going to be there, you know, that is, and not I'm sorry because I know not everybody had that experience. Sure. But if you put yourself there for a minute of a safe moment, that is what we can have with Jesus and with God every moment when we, when we believe, really, truly believe the truth, which is that he has it all under control. We may not know where we're going. We may not know when we're going to stop. We may not know what food we're going to say. But we can trust that it's going to be good. Yeah. And Scripture says that God takes care of even the Sparrows. And if he's going to take care of the Sparrows, how much more does He love us? Yeah. Yeah. I want to talk for just a second because I think this is an important clarification to make. What is the difference, do you think, between perfection and holiness? Because the Bible tells us to be holy, right? Hmm. But you think it's a good question. Maybe motive, you know, the actions make us good, but if you're seeking to be holy because God is holy or you're seeking to look more like Jesus, that's one thing. But if you're doing an action because you want people to think you're perfect, it's a different motive. Yeah. Actions could be similar. Is it to tell me if I'm wrong because I could be, I feel like one, I feel like perfection is for love and surrender is from love and holiness is from love. Yes. Yeah. That's good. Yep. Totally agree. I also think to add a third piece to that is that holiness is something that as believers, we know we will not obtain this side of heaven that we are striving. We're getting there where that's the end goal. The end goal is to be holy. Whereas perfection, we actually are delusional enough to think that I can be perfect. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. That's good. Right. And so it's just, it's taking truth as the enemy does, it's taking truth and twisting it just a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. True. Thank you, girls, for your insight today. We are so glad that you joined us. And if you are fighting that perfectionist battle, hey, we love you and we want to pray for you. I encourage you to, if you text the word talk right now to 81891, you'll not only get the latest podcast, but we'll also send you a devotion that goes right along with this episode. And that can encourage you throughout the week when you're not listening to the Girl Talk podcast. We'd love to do that. 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