Speaker 1Today I am giving you the exact words for results day, not the right sentiments, the actual sentences. Because what you say to your teenager today, in the hours after they open that envelope, will shape how they feel about themselves for a long time. This episode will prepare you. I'm Dr. Mary Han, and this is How Not to Screw Up Your Kids. It's A-level results day today, and if you are here, you are already asking the right question. I want to talk about something that does not get nearly enough airtime today, your role. Not in getting the grades, that's done. I'm talking about what you say and do in the next 24 hours, and the long-term picture of who your teenager becomes through that. And let's face it, it is a really challenging one. And before I launch into the episode in earnest, I want you just to think for a moment about one word that would describe your experience when you opened up your A-level grades, or if you did not sit A-levels, one word that describes your feelings when you picked up a significant grade. Just sit with that for a moment. Because what I would say is, as parents, we are a product of our own experiences. And that feeling that you carry from your own results, whether that's shame, whether that's disappointment, whether that's embarrassment, whether that's elation, whether that's joy, comes with you when your child is getting their results too. So it's about being aware of that. And everything that I am going to share today comes back to one sentence, and I want you to hold on to it. Feelings first, facts later. That is literally the whole episode in four words. Your job today is not to fix the day, it is to hold it. So let's start with why this day is actually bigger than the grades. So if your child is taking A-levels, this is the one of the most publicly significant moments of their adolescence. Comparison is everywhere among teenagers. And their sense of self can be more fragile than they would ever let you see. And there's a reason for that. The adolescent brain is exquisitely tuned to social evaluation. We've talked before about ambiguous faces and how teenagers typically tend to respond when they see. So this is a research study that showed teens ambiguous faces. So you couldn't tell the emotion explicitly. But they were more likely to pick an emotion that was negative, so a judgment emotion. So we know that their brain is, at this particular part of their development, pretty tuned into judgment. They pick up on it. So being judged and ranked in front of their peers lands harder at 17 or 18 than at almost any other point in their lives. The emotional brain is highly active. And the prefrontal cortex, the part that does perspective, logic, proportion, is still under construction. So when your teenager says that their whole life is over, that's not drama. That is a neurologically accurate report of how it feels to them in that moment. And you know when they get their results and they're not quite what they were expecting. It is not the end of the world. But here is the catch. On the day, they cannot hear that. Because that pragmatism bounces off a distressed and a dysregulated brain. They can only take in the facts once someone has taken in their feelings. Hence, those words, feelings first, facts later. And there's also a psychological piece underneath this. Adolescents are in the middle of building a story, a narration about who they are and what they're capable of. And they're not going to be able to tell the story. They're not going to be able to tell the story. And A-level results are a significant data point in that story. Right now, every aspect of how they measure up is based on the academic structure that they're operating within. The emotional context in which they receive the significant news shapes how we end up storing and processing these memories and this information, sometimes for years, if not decades. So your teenager will remember this day. They will remember how it was. They will remember how it felt. And a significant part of how it felt will be shaped by you. So here are some things. And I want to start with four things that you are worth doing before the day. Now, if you are listening to this episode and it is the day, then just think about it in the context of four things that you can do before they physically open that envelope or before they log in or before they go in to be told their results. So whether you are listening to this before results day or tucking it away for next time, these four moves make an enormous difference. So number one, check in on yourself first. Yeah. Your own results day, the pride, the relief, the disappointment, the way your parents reacted is sitting in your nervous system somewhere because we know highly emotional experiences are going to be more likely to be stored in memory. And therefore, they're going to come up when our children go through that particular experience. So parents who felt judged as teenagers tend to over reassure and parents who sailed through tend to underestimate how hard this lands. So your feelings about this day are legitimate, but your teenager is not the right audience for them. Find another adult, a partner, a friend, a colleague, a confidant, and process your feelings there. They do not walk uninvited into the room with your child. So that's what we're doing. We're dealing with our emotions and checking in on ourselves first, rather than taking them into the room when we're comforting, reassuring, congratulating our children. Emotions are contagious in families and teenagers read our faces faster than our words. So our calm is catching, your calm is catching, and so is your anxiety. And remember that they are primed exquisitely for that judgment piece. So if you feel that your face is genuinely trying to say something else, but your mind is incongruous, then that's where we need to kind of process our own experience. Even if you don't feel that you need to process your own experience, I think it's worthwhile having that adult to adult conversation. So that is number one. Number two, in terms of the worth doing on the day is let your teenager lead the logistics. And what I'm talking about here is how they actually collect and see their results. So teenagers want to be at school with their friends when results come out. Some want to open an email alone in their bedroom at 8am. Both are completely fine. What we want to do is ask them what they want to do. Do not assume and resist the family outing to school. One calm parent in the car park beats a welcoming committee. Block out results day morning in your diary if you can. Being available is the intervention. And this might be the case for a lot of teenagers, but it might be the first time you practice letting them lead. Practice on the logistics because you will need the same muscle for the feelings. We're really handing over that. This is their day and how they process it, how they want to go through the logistics are for them. And we take a backseat and respond to their lead. So that's number two. Number three, if you can, is celebrate before the results actually exist. Now, sometimes we can practically do this, but if you're listening to this episode on results day, then it's not going to be as easy to celebrate, but we can celebrate with the words that we say in terms of loving our children unconditionally and our teens before they've opened that email, before they've got that envelope and they've checked their results and they want to tell us what they are. We can say, before you tell me, I just want you to know that I'm so proud of you. So this is the move that changes everything. If we could do a meal, a small family moment that's booked before they know their grades. So it says, I'm proud of you for finishing, for getting through two years of hard work, for showing up. Nothing in that envelope or that email can add to this or subtract from it. It is unconditional love, but with a booking. Yeah. So a celebration before the results is a statement that no grade can touch. And again, if you are listening to this on the day, then you can say that in a statement and, having already pre-booked something for later on in that day. So that's number three. Number four, quietly learn the system. Do your homework now so that on the day you are calm and informed, rather than frantically searching on your phone in front of a distressed teenager. You know, know that grade boundaries are published on results day. Know that reviews of marking are possible through the school and that there are deadlines. Know that clearing is a well trodden and respectable path. It's not a failure route. Often people will go through clearing because they've changed their minds. They've got the grades, but they've decided they don't want to do the course. Know that your teenager's university will only speak to them, not to you, which is actually your crucial structural ally. But keep all of this in your back pocket. Do not brief your teenager on plan B in advance. Rehearsing the rescue plan tells them you are already expecting the fail. So those are the things that we can do in advance. And as a parent, it's always great to have something that we can do in advance. Now it's what do we do on the day? So let's talk a little bit about how to read your teenager on the day. Now your teenager has been managing anxiety about this day for weeks, possibly months, possibly since the moment they closed that last paper. That anxiety comes out differently in different young people. And knowing your child's pattern will help you meet them where they are. So some will go quiet. They withdraw. They seem flat. Maybe they don't want to talk about it. And that is not indifference. It is self-protection. The quieter a teenager gets about a high stakes moment often means the more they care. Yeah. Alternatively, some go loud. They joke. There's bravado. They insist that they don't care. Same self-protection, different coat. I do not care from a teenager who has maybe worked hard or not hard for two years. I do not care from a teenager who has maybe worked hard for two years. Almost almost means I care too much to say. Some pick fights. They're irritable. They're difficult. Maybe they're looking for conflict with their siblings, constantly poking them in metaphorically. Anxiety is displaced energy. And when there is nowhere constructive for it to go, it comes out sideways. Try not to take the bait. I know that's really, really hard. They're not angry at you. They are scared. And when we can really reframe that, we can say, I'm not angry at you. I'm not angry at you. I'm not angry at that. Which is why I asked you at the beginning of the episode to really think about the one word that you associated with your own big results day, because this is playing out for them too. And when the results are in, think about which of those scenarios sounds like your child. On the day, you will be better placed to meet them if you already know what shape their anxiety typically takes. And when the results are in, do not assume. Do not assume that they are pleased because they are smiling or devastated because they are quiet. Ask and then listen without rushing to fill the silence. Is that the active listening? We might want to probe and ask questions. We might want to paraphrase back to them, but do not assume because obviously children, our teens react in very, very different way. So let's talk about once we've got that context in terms of how our children are going to react. Let me give you four things that really relate to your job on the day. So from here on the actual day, from that moment, your teenager leads and your job gets harder because your job is mostly restraint, self-restraint because we're being led by them. So number one, lead with the relationship, not the result. Whatever words feel natural for your family, whatever you reach for when you want your child to know that they are love, lead with that. Yeah. Before they open the email, if you can, or the moment they find you afterwards and they're just about to tell you their results, your first words today, ideally should not be, what did you get? They should be about them as a person, about the love that is not going anywhere, about the fact that nothing in that envelope or in that email or the results they're about to give you changes who they are to you and how unconditionally loved they are and how you are proud of the process that they have been in. Even if they haven't revised, even if you feel that they haven't done enough revision, but you are proud that they worked through that process. Even if it seems obvious, say it. Say it even if you think they know, especially say it if the results you think are likely to be disappointing, but just say, do not assume because, you know, I sort of feel it's this idea that if you've said it, it doesn't matter if you, if it's, if they feel it's overkill, you've said it anyway, rather than having not. So that's the first thing is we lead with the relationship, not the result. And we try and get in there first before they give us the results. Number two is about acknowledging really before we seek to reassure, because there's a real difference between acknowledging a feeling and reassuring someone out of it. So if your teenager is devastated, they've got results for whatever reasons that they're just not what they expect. The urge that we have as parents is to reach for comfort immediately. And that will be fine. You know, it will be fine. You can resit. Lots of people find a different path. Hold that back just, just for now. First, show them you actually see how you feel, whatever they are feeling, relief, joy, shock, grief, numbness, an odd flatness, name it back to them. Let it be real for a moment. Because once they feel heard, the comfort is then much more likely to land. Remember feelings first, facts later. And if we, if the comfort lands, you know, otherwise, if we go in straight with the, with the comfort, it tends to bounce. So question worth asking in your own words is do they want comfort right now? Or do they want to start thinking through what to do? So there's a real big distinction there. And each child will want something different. Do they want that comfort and that reassurance? Do they want that comfort and that reassurance that everything is going to be okay? Or are they a child that actually lets, I want you to help me thinking through what to do next. I'm an action. I need to act on it rather than sit with a feeling. Ask them and then honor the answer. Even when every part of you wants to open a browser and start looking at options or start looking at clearing. What you are not doing by acknowledging their feelings, you are not agreeing that their life is over. You are agreeing that it hurts. And those are very different things. And that's the bit that your child is going to remember the most was that you met them at where they're at. Number three is follow their lead, not yours. This is on the day, whether they want to talk immediately, disappear to their room for three hours or talk at midnight. Our job generally in that day, your job is to follow. The conversation happens on their clock, not ours. I know it's really difficult because we have to be very careful. We have to be very careful. We have to feel like, you know, the places are going to go really quickly if they have to go through clearing and they might miss out on that opportunity. But in the long term, allowing them to lead will make a significant impact. And remember that when they're picking up their results, their school will have, school or college will have received the results the day before. They will already know the students who are planning to go to certain universities who have not yet got the grades. They will already be formulating plans. Our role is to do that. We want to do the feelings first because the facts are being taken care of by people who know what they're doing and do this year in, year out. So we want to stay warmly available without pursuing them. Side-by-side activities work particularly well. Remember that whole idea of like, if I'm staring you in the face, they get this whole judgment piece. So if we can do things side-by-side, being in the same room, maybe without an agenda, maybe a drive somewhere, anything that gives them a way back to you without being in the same room, maybe without an agenda, maybe a drive somewhere, without having to make the first move. So take the night shift gladly if it comes. That is when the real conversations happen and typically the time when they're ready to open up a little bit more. And there, the other thing that I would say here in terms of, you know, the third principle and following their leads, not ours, is that their results are their news to tell, not yours. Nothing goes on the family message group, nothing on social media, no phoning grandparents unless you're a teenager. A teenager has said yes. This matters more, I think, than most parents expect. Ask first. You know, these are your results. I respect that. And I want to get your permission first before we share this with the family, before we ring the grandparents. They will feel that's a real sense of ownership and capability for them, and they will love you more for that. Number four, be the calm that they can borrow. So teenagers and all of our children, but teenagers particularly today, regulate off the nearest adult's nervous system. So if your face falls when they read out a grade, that's data that they keep. And we know that they're not very good and they're finely tuned into facial expressions already. So any shift, any potential that your face speaks differently to your words, they will pick up on. You do not have to feel calm. You just have to be the calmest person in the room, which on some days is a low bar. This is why checking in with yourself beforehand matters, not because your feelings are wrong, but because your teenager's nervous system will borrow from yours. The love also needs saying out loud, even when it looks like it's bouncing off, even when we get the comments of you're bound to say that you're my parents. It goes in quietly and it gets replayed at 2am when they're alone with their thoughts. deposit in the account you cannot see the balance of keep making them okay so that's the four things that I would suggest I just want to talk about what to avoid on the day and two versions of the day that might play out and how to kind of what you might want to consider on those so the things to avoid on the day and these are all said with the best intentions but all of them tend to close the conversation rather than opening so the at least trap at least you passed English at least you can reset every at least is a small argument against their feelings so strike it completely from your vocabulary it's really tricky I've fallen into that trap so often not just on big results days but also in reports and end of year exams and it just chips away but I guess it's you know we don't realize that we're saying it until it's come out but if you can just be really mindful of that be mindful of comparisons and again we don't try to do this explicitly about siblings or cousins or the neighbor's child or maybe not even our results you know I got three d's and look at me now obviously it's meant to comfort and but instead it lands as your experience does not deserve its own space you know their results they deserve to be seen whole on their terms as their results days avoid life lessons yeah and I know this is really hard and these life lessons are conversations we may choose to have later but not on the day so if you revise more they know they should have revised more the lesson has been learned more thoroughly than we could ever teach it and there may be growth conversations that are worth having but that's a September conversation not a today conversation the other thing we want to avoid is fixing solution offered if we offer a before feelings remember feelings first facts later they're heard they're registered as you do not understand and that closes the door to conversations to problem solving to discussions and you may well find that that door doesn't open till later in the week so fixing is an issue as well and nothing public without their consent results are then used to share in their own time in their own way and this can be disappointing results but it can equally be really great results they may not want those shared publicly they may be very selective as to who that they want to share those results with they may not even have shared their results good or bad with friends so just be respectful and get their consent versed now I just want to talk you through two versions of the day just to help you give you a little bit of extra so if the results are good or better than expected celebrate their way ask them how they want to market watch for what I call the high achiever wobble yeah the teenager who got everything they hoped for and immediately becomes anxious about whether they can maintain it yeah so praise the effort and the person alongside the grade and the wobble settles and consent still applies this is a If the results are disappointing remember feelings first facts later today is for the feelings options can genuinely wait until tomorrow so have the 24 hour rule no big decisions on results day not about courses retake six form changes gap years a regulated brain makes these decisions well a devastated one does not when they have eventually ask and they may ask it within those 24 hours what next then you'll be ready because you quietly learn the system remember in advance but know that teachers and heads of year are in school on results day precisely for the hard conversations we do not have to have all of the answers you just have to know who does and when they are ready to think forward when they start asking forward looking questions that is when we open the door to together let them raise it first if you can if you need to raise it ask permission so you can do something like would it be helpful to look at what is possible or is it too soon then honor the answer okay in 20 years your child will not remember their grade in every subject but they will remember in their bones and in their body how home felt on the day the results came that is the part you can control and that is the part that lasts now results day can be a trigger for something deeper and if your teenager becomes significantly withdrawn over more than a few days stops eating properly isolates themselves talks about being a failure or having no future or says anything that concerns you about how they are coping please take that seriously a difficult results day does not cause mental health issues on its own but it can surface existing vulnerabilities so if you're worried speak to your gp and if you're very worried the samaritans are on 116 123 and they're there for family members as well as for the person in distress trust your instincts you know your child if something feels wrong act on it now that's everything for today be as kind to yourself as you're trying to be for your children you don't have to get it right every time and the fact that you're here learning and growing already says a lot for more episodes and all the resources to support you head to dr mary hand.com i'm dr mary hand take good care of yourself i'll see you on monday
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