Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Scrap Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode is an anniversary episode. Can you believe it? The podcast has now been going for four years. My goodness me, if I had known four years ago that we would still be going strong, downloaded in over 80 countries, lots of really amazing and wonderful ratings and reviews and follows from all of you lovely listeners. So, I thought, and I'm currently on my holiday, I'm in Athens, sat in a hotel room, and I thought I would basically re-release an episode that was one of our earlier ones called So You're Expecting. Now, you might think that, hmm, Mary-Anne, I've got a six-year-old, I've got a 13-year-old, I've got a whatever-year-old. This isn't going to be relevant to me, but I would say it is because in lots of ways, as we all know, our children go through different ages and stages, and it's almost as if we have a whole new rebirth of a, we think we've nailed a particular age and stage, we've got it absolutely sussed, and then our children start a whole new pattern of development, a whole new pattern of behaviour. And so, actually revisiting one of these episodes, particularly this one, because it gives such a lot of the crucial foundations that I incredibly passionate about, and in this episode, I share six. The one that I want you to hold on to, all of you, whatever age and stage your child is at, is that everything is fixable. So, without any further ado, I'm going to introduce this episode. All I would ask, as always, and particularly even more so, even more importantly, as we come to our fourth anniversary, is if you love listening to this podcast, if you find the tips and strategies helpful, then please do so. And if you do, then please do so. I would be eternally grateful if you could spare a few moments, call it my birthday present, call the podcast birthday present, if you could just take a few moments to rate the podcast out of five, to follow it, which means it'll appear in your inbox, and to write a very short review so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So, until next time, here's the original episode, So You're Expecting. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 85, and today's episode, So You're Expecting, is all about what we can do when we're expecting the arrival of our child, whether that's our own baby through pregnancy, an adopted child, a child born through surrogacy, or any other way we find ourselves. And we're going to talk about embarking on the journey that is parenting. Now, whilst I will start off with, you know, those very early expecting stages of a baby in this podcast, the podcast is still supremely relevant to all of us, regardless of the stages our child's life is in. Because in lots of ways, they're born again at different stages of their life. And each of the six pointers I'm going to talk you through are relevant, whether it's conversations that we're having about our birth, whether it's about our birth, whether it's about our birth, whether it's our children are pre-talking, whether we're looking at preschool, school, secondary school, senior school, university, first jobs, leaving home empty nesters, etc, etc. You know what I mean. So when you're expecting, you consume information by the barrel load. I can remember those days, and I'll be sharing lots as we go through this. And a huge amount of that consumption is focused around the birth and those early expecting stages of a baby. Those early weeks and months, you know, the type of birth, are we going to breastfeed or not? Which cots or prams? Are we going to do cloth nappies? Are we going to do disposable nappies? Then we get caught in the sort of the child led weaning, controlled crying, co-sleeping, etc, etc, etc. And it's no different at any other stage of our children's development and growing up. We agonise over whether we go back to work or not. And if we go back to work, do we go back part-time or full-time? Do we have a nanny? Do they go to a nursery? Or do we have a childminder? Do we do preschool? Do we do kindergarten? Do we need to get them signed up now? Which school do they go on? How do we manage homework, devices, activities? Do we do exams for a selective school or not? You get the picture, sounding quite rampant. But the idea is that everything I'm going to talk about, these six pointers, are just as relevant, whether you're expecting, and this is your first rodeo, or whether this is your second, third, fourth, fifth child, and you're looking for some help and support across those stages. So I want you to have these milestones in mind when I talk you through these six points, whether your milestone is expecting, or whether it's some other stage. So let's get started. Number one, and this is probably the most important thing that I will say of the six, although they all are supremely important, of course. The first one is there are no norms in the process of expecting. It's totally different for everyone. And so my advice is, at any stage, whether you're expecting for the first time, or whether it's a different stage, is read away at any books you choose. And always remember, your experience is likely to be very different. Now I have talked a great deal about my control enthusiasm tendencies. So when I was expecting my first, don't remember this quite so much with my youngest, but certainly would devour books. You may sort of relate to some of this. But I would read books that would tell me that, right now, your child is the size of a walnut, or a peanut, or this or that. And by now, you may have put on one or two pounds. I remember devouring those books. And the reality was, I put on over three stone with my first, three and a half stone with my second. I ate for two, three, four, five children. I was ravenous. I could have got particularly guilty about that, and in lots of ways, I did at times. But the reality is that the process of expecting, if you're expecting through your own pregnancy, is it's supremely different. And it's being able to read these books, but understand that your experience could be different. Of course, when we're writing books, we're writing with just a general theme. But the difficulty that we often have is when we're expecting, or whether next stage of our child, is we tend to look at the information that we're given as absolutes, rather than remembering that we are all supremely individual. I'm a massive fan and massive reader of books about nutrition, and well-being, and health. And what I've learned over the years is there is no one-size-fits-all. As individuals, we can all eat an apple, and our body could digest it in very different ways, in terms of whether that gives us an energy spike, or not. And so, whether we digest it and process it really quickly or not, there are some rules of thumb, but fundamentally, it's different. And it's this exact same when we're expecting with our children. So absolutely read books, and remain in that process of understanding that the variations are huge. Much in the same way as not only did I devour loads of books that told me about every stage of my pregnancy, and what I would be doing, and what I wouldn't be doing, and how I'd be feeling, and how my child was developing. But I also read books that told me about every stage of my pregnancy, and what I would be doing, and what I wouldn't be doing, and how I'd be feeling, and how my child was developing. Is I also read consumed books about different milestones that my child would reach. So at this stage, your child may well be beginning to crawl, or move, or they'd roll over, or they're holding their head up, or they're doing this, that, and the other. And I have talked about this so many times, so if you're new to the podcast, I will, just let me explain to you again, is that our children have an age that they're given by birth. That's their chronological age. They're seven days, they're 14 weeks, they're six months, they're whatever it is, 15, 20, whatever our children's ages are, that's their chronological age. But each child also has a developmental age, because they acquire and learn skills at different rates and different paces, and it's not uniform. So our children's emotional development, and their communication, and their fine motor skills, and their gross motor skills, may well be different at different stages. So the chronological age may be six months, but the developmental age across a lot of these may fluctuate from two or three months up to eight or nine months. And you can extrapolate that for any other age. So it's really important that when we read and we consume books, which I think we do particularly, you know, when we're expecting, and then when our children are going through various different stages, whether that's toddler tangents, managing teens, or whether that's reading books about tech, or whether we're helping them make decisions about next schools or universities. Is we must always remember that our children are unique and individual, their personalities, the traits that they are born with, how they come into this world, these all impact. And so these books will give us a broad brush, and we then have to trust our instinct. And that's something I'm going to talk a lot about, is us about being, you know, just trusting in our own decisions, whilst also consuming that information. So my first one is there are no norms in the process of expecting and remember that that's crucial number two please please please please don't get sucked into a parenting camp now i that these did exist when my children were younger it seems to be even more prevalent now but this this idea that you know i want you to say you don't have to advocate one way of parenting at the expense of another parenting isn't black and white it's messy constantly changing best intentioned and bespoke to your child and their characteristics staying focused on the end goal a healthy happy confident adult is in my opinion what we should be what should be driving our day-to-day decisions not whether we're wedded to some dogmatic approach to parenting sorry so this goes back to this notion of consuming books absolutely consume books absolutely find aspects of the different parenting styles that you really connect with that you think actually i really quite like that that seems really intuitive for me that sits with my values that sits with how i hope to parent absolutely do that but i really do not think that you need to be in a particular camp with a particular description because it confines you it's like a straitjacket you then think that you're not doing it properly so i really think it's important that we don't get ourselves sucked into those particular camps but instead go in and actually we'll look at some of this when we look at some of the other points that i'll make later on as well it's really thinking about what feels natural to me so for example controlled crying was one of the things that came up certainly when my two were younger and co-sleeping if controlled crying sits uncomfortably with you if co-sleeping sits uncomfortably with you and it doesn't feel natural then that's not the best way to parent for you it doesn't mean that you're going to traumatize your child because fundamentally it's about how we connect with what we're doing as parents now we know that there are some things that are not helpful for our children that don't help them flourish and become happy and confident but we all know when we're doing that we are not going to mess up screw up our children don't fall into a specific camp or we like certain aspects of one camp and certain aspects of another camp and we have this wonderful eclectic mix i'm all for eclectic i think we have to get away from this oh i'm this kind of parent and i'm that kind of parent and i disagree with that kind of parenting and i agree with this kind of parenting we end up really fundamentally taking a lot of different aspects and one of the things that we'll touch on is this idea that quite often before we've had children we have lots of ideals about how we want to parent oh my goodness me i can remember so much and this notion of i remember being told about this notion about children being overtired i thought what just how ridiculous is that being overtired why did the child not just go to bed i remember friends sort of saying oh they're just overtired and that's why they're being grumpy couldn't understand it until you have a child of your own and overtired is like your arch it's like the worst thing when you have a child that's overtired so so much of this notion around parenting we just don't know until we get there so we idolize about how we might go about things and until we're actually in there we just don't realize quite how messy it is so please please don't get sucked into a parenting camp trap so the first one is there are no norms in the process of advice reading the books and then coming up with your own eclectic mix please don't get sucked into the parenting camp trap but instead connect with your own intuition and choose what feels right from various different ones number three before your baby arrives or before your child reaches the next stage is the best time to reflect on your own childhood and how this might impact your parenting whether that's parenting for the very first time or whether you're parenting your child at the next age and stage of their development are you carrying whether that's trauma or whether you're carrying some guilt some shame some disappointment some anxiety some competition some unfinished business from your childhood that you're then using and projecting or trying to fix in your child so often when we're expecting and then when we're looking at these next stages with our children is that we approach things on the basis of i'm going to do this and i'm going to do that which of course is normal i guess what i'm asking you to do is what drives that use this process of time before you're expecting to really reflect because once you get stuck in the nitty-gritty so often it you know we often it becomes much much more difficult we have this real ideal opportunity when we're expecting to really reflect on things to really think about what aspects of my childhood do i want to emulate what aspects of the way that i was parented do i love why do i love that why is that important to me how might that play out is that possible even for me does can that be the situation what aspects of my parenting and how i was parented am i riling against which aspects do i want to change what do i feel my parents could have done or should have done what are the mistakes that i feel that they've made that i don't want to repeat why is that how has that impacted my life because so much of what we do as parents is rooted in our past experiences so much of what we expect a normal relationship to look like whether you know parent-child relationship partner relationship comes from those early modeled examples and we take that into our adulthood and it's really important that we are aware of how that might impact our parenting now that doesn't mean that it's going to be an issue necessarily but it can be an issue if we're trying to fix an aspect of our own childhood through our children that's not necessarily helpful for for them so what we then end up doing is we're parenting our inner child rather than the child that we're presented with so it's really that best time to really reflect on it and whether you're listening to this because you're expecting your first child to be your first child or whether you're listening to this because you're and you've got lots of ideology in your mind about how you want to parent as a result of the way that you were parented or whether you're listening to this and you're making decisions about your children's school maybe you're making decisions about whether your child does selective exams whether you're having conversations with your children about whether they're going to university or they don't go to university their first jobs whatever that is every opportunity that we have before our child reaches that next stage or when that we're expecting for the first time is the best time to reflect on the decisions that we might be making the thoughts that we might be having our behavior around that next stage and how it's impacted by how we transitioned at that particular stage and how it felt and how that impacted because it's really crucial that we become self-aware because obviously that then impacts our children so let's just look at these first three so the first one is this this notion of being really clear that there are no norms in the process of expecting it's very different and by all means consume books devour books but do that critically from that perspective of the unit your experience may well be very different and these are books are offer these sort of general guiding principles and we will take different things from different books the second one is don't get sucked into this notion of being in a particular parenting camp. That's a trap as far as I'm concerned because parenting isn't this dichotomous black and white it is messy we pick and choose different things and we have this eclectic parenting that becomes our parenting which doesn't fall neatly into any specific camp and before your baby arrives whether you're expecting or before your child arrives at the next stage that you're making big choices about is the best time. To reflect on your own childhood how you navigated that particular process how your parents navigated that how it's made you feel and how that might be impacting the decisions that you then make so those are the first three the next three we move on a little bit now so the next one is now is the time to have difficult conversations with our partners now of course some of these you know these discussions are likely to be hypothetical and we don't really know how we're going to feel once our baby arrives or our child gets to that next stage yet conversations and open communication are crucial one of the questions that I get asked repeatedly within the membership and often when I'm giving talks is this notion about how we co-parent and that you know we have a parent that might be saying well when my child has these big emotional meltdowns I respond this way but my partner responds in a different way how can we work together so that's just one of the many many multitude of conversations that we're going to end up having when you're when you're expecting that we don't know what character our child is going to come to us with maybe there'll be a child that will sleep so well from day one but maybe as was the case with my first and i have told him many a time who seemed to wake up every hour for what seemed like forever until he could roll over onto his tummy he didn't actually sleep particularly well in those early months so it's this notion about how are you going to have having conversations about how you're going to do that how are you going to manage this what are the what are your partner's expectations about parenting how are they expecting the dynamics to work it those are the sorts of things you know are they expecting you know what are the challenges around their own childhood how were they parented what did they bring into that where might be some of the challenges how will you communicate with each other when things don't when you feel that things are not going well or that you're coming at the same problem from a different point of view so it's this idea of having those conversations and having that communication how can we let each other know that we're feeling that we're drifting so it's having those conversations early on and keeping those lines of communication open how will we check in with each other and it's not necessarily about coming up with some formalized way of parenting but parenting when we're parenting with a partner communication is absolutely crucial so that we can and of course we come to parenting in a very different style but generally it's this idea of approaching it from a similar standpoint now you know that i've talked before about this notion that our role as parents is to provide the solid foundations on which our children's building rises and then the emphasis shifts then to us becoming the scaffolding so it's really important if we're building rises is that we have those conversations around what to us are those foundations what are the morals that we want to then impart to our children what do we value what are the things that we are that are non-negotiable for us as parents that we want to instill in our in our children and what are the things that we're more flexible about having conversations about where there might be a mismatch for what you feel are absolutely non-negotiables but your partner thinks are different that's the whole it's not about being right or wrong it's not about one parent having better answers than the others it's just trying to understand how you sit across those at harmony bank we believe that
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Speaker 1recognizing that that will change over time if you're having these conversations when you're expecting they're going to be very very different to the conversations that you'll be having when your children are in school and when you're having conversations with your children when your children are at different ages and stages because you've got some notion of the character of your child past history and how you might then approach the next thing so it's about having making sure that we're having that regular communication that we're talking to each other that we understand where those difficult conversations might come and how we can find ways of always being able to reconnect with each other on that parenting journey so that we don't then find that we've got this huge chasm because we're approaching parenting six years in from a very different standpoint and we've not had that conversation around a partner who maybe had was raised in a particular way where emotions weren't talked about and now they're really struggling to connect emotionally with their children whereas actually you've always assumed that you both valued how important it was to talk about emotions for example so it's really crucial that we take the time to have those difficult conversations with our partners about what that might look like how will we navigate difficult conversations how regularly will we check in with each other now if you are new to the podcast you're probably not aware that i often i talk i'm a big fan about sunday family meetings and these aren't formalized agendered meetings but this is almost an agreement every sunday that you're going to catch up now when you're expecting you don't have a child necessarily at that point to have that family meeting and even when you've got a six-month-old or a two-year-old your child isn't necessarily going to then engage in that family meeting as they would do in their seven eight ten fifteen so it's crucial that we just find some mechanism or we agree some mechanism or some way that as parents when we're co-parenting that we're going to have that time to sit and connect and to begin to review and just check in on how we are because that keeps this whole difficult conversation going because we can say i've just you know if you're expecting you know i'm finding it really difficult at the moment managing and navigating this i'm feeling really tired i'm feeling overwhelmed i'm feeling i've got too many decisions to make too much information how are you feeling and then you can begin to kind of to support each other if you're parenting on your own if you're a single parent you can still have these family meetings with people who are also invested and who take a big role in supporting you parenting your children so whether that's going to be other family members whether that's a childminder or even with sort of preschool or school if there's ways of you just being able to connect and just check in then i think that that's really crucial because we're trying to make sure that those lines of communication are always kept open and having those difficult conversations earlier rather than later so number five self-care start as you mean to go on remember children are much more likely to do what they see than what we say so if we're not taking care of ourselves in whatever shape that looks like for us and our personal circumstances i can guarantee you're not going to be in the best head space to give of your best for your child now this isn't about spa days holidays nights out with friends although i think these are wonderful if you have the financial means i'm talking about prioritizing your self-care whether and and at the first point in terms of self-care is your sleep all right don't laugh you're unlikely to get much sleep when your baby arrives in those early days but do you recognize that this is crucial and have you had conversations about how this could potentially happen are you prioritizing that as you are expecting now do you prioritize self-care is so crucial in terms of our ability to be effective as parents and what i would say is if you're listening to this podcast when you're expecting you have all of the opportunity to get these practices in place because so many parents rile against this notion of self-care because they think it's self-indulgent they think that they should be prioritizing their children they think it doesn't matter and the general theme is this idea of when my child when my child sleeps do the night then i'll look after myself when my child is able to go to school i'll take care of myself when my child is you know goes to secondary school i'll do more for myself and all we do is we just kick the can down the road but self-care has to start from day one so if you're listening to this and you're expecting you can put self-care into that equation of what parenting looks like for you and i can guarantee you that you will give more back to your children as a result of it if you're listening to this and you've already got children please may i remind you how crucial our self-care is because it allows us to empty that bucket so that when our child has a moment that either triggers something in us or just tips that bucket over the edge and that water floods out that if we have been taking care of ourselves we began to recognize that our bucket is beginning to fill that we began to recognize that actually we need to take care of ourselves we need that sleep we need that time out and self-care really doesn't have to be grand gestures it can be as basic as the conversations that we have in our head about our parenting that we're kinder to ourselves that we are forgiving of ourselves that we prioritize our sleep that we prioritize our eating and that we then make sure that in order to take care of our child they're not always the priority that they can wait for five minutes so that we can finish the task that we're doing and that we're not always the priority that they can wait for five minutes that we're doing that we tell them that we're on our way because we're just finishing off a task or that we have a really firm boundary about bedtime for our teens so that we can make sure that we get our own rest and our own downtime so self-care really is so crucial when you're expecting is making sure that you take care of yourself in those expecting months if you're pregnant yourself but just making sure that you prioritize your sleep and that you're making sure that you prioritize that because act by prioritizing it early it means you're much more likely to do it and what that also does is it models to your child around boundaries around what's making sure that they take care of themselves before they then take care of others because that's the right way of approaching it so self-care is number five number six is everything is fixable you know that i that is my profound belief is that you know we can't screw up our kids if we fundamentally approach things with best intentions if you're listening to this podcast and your children are 18, it's fixable. If you're listening to this podcast when you've got a three year old and you feel that you've spent their first three years shouting and screaming at them, it's fixable. If you've had the most horrendous childhood yourself, the most horrendous pregnancy, the most stress, whatever it might be, everything is fixable. So it's really being, it's that being forgiving of ourselves. We all have moments where we don't show off our best. We all have moments where we're stressed, where we make poor choices, where with hindsight we would have made different choices. So it's remembering that these, that all of this is fixable, that it all comes with making a decision, putting a line in the sand and making that decision that from today onwards things are going to be different. And recognising that we're all in this together, we're all in this together. And recognising that you're not going to get things right 100% of the time. Being a perfect parent just doesn't exist because to be the best parent you have to be imperfect. Because our children need to see that imperfection is the norm. If you are a model parent, if you never ever shout at your children, if you are controlled in every aspect and every way, that's not helpful for your child either. Because what are you teaching them? You're teaching them how to be perfect. You're teaching them that, you know, my parents have got it so together and I haven't got it together, therefore I'm a failure. So it's being aware that that's what makes us so incredibly human. That's what makes this whole parenting journey so exhausting, but also so exhilarating. We have those moments where we feel we are the best parent in the world and that this is easy. And then we have other times where we think, oh my goodness me, I have so screwed up my children. I've made so many mistakes. Why am I not learning? But the reality is everything is fixable. Our children grow up to be healthy, happy, confident adults when we adopt these processes of understanding that there are no norms in the process of parenting. What your friends do and what your friends have done during the process of expecting is going to be completely different to you. And that's okay. It doesn't make one any better than the other. That just because others in your antenatal group or other parents that you know with children the same sort of age are parenting in one way and that camp and you're in a completely different camp doesn't make it right or wrong. It doesn't even make, you know, it's this whole notion that we are so individual in that parenting. So let me just recap because I feel I've kind of slightly gone off a tangent there, but I think it's really important for us to remember that parenting, the old cliche, children don't come with a manual. I can't tell you if you're expecting what characteristics your child is going to be born with. Our children have some very similar traits in terms of brain development and neurons that they're born with, but how that develops and adapts and modifies is different from the moment they're born, from their experience of birth, from their experience in the womb. All of these things have these huge, profound different impacts. So how can we possibly say that there is a clear cut process of what our children go through and therefore the best way of parenting them? Because we know that different temperaments require different approaches in the same way as us as adults. If you've got a room full of a hundred people and you had to break some bad news to them, there's some basic principles about how you go about breaking bad news, but each individual would require something very different. So it's really trying to remember that there are no norms, that we shouldn't get sucked into is this sort of parenting camp trap, but instead trust our instincts to take what we like from the different books and camps that we read about and then create our own eclectic parenting style. That before our baby arrives or before our child reaches the next stage, that that is the best time to reflect on how impacted our own childhood, because that will also affect how we go about making decisions in that time so that we're able to actually parent the child we have, not the child that we're trying, our own inner child that we're trying to fix. And it's also an important time to have those difficult conversations with our partners, because this is an ideal opportunity to kind of weigh up how those differences might come into play and how you're going to keep checking in with each other. Healthcare is crucial. And if you're expecting, then if you can put that in place, then it's just a great way you start as you mean to go on. And remembering the bottom line to all of this is that everything is fixable. When I devour books, when I listen to podcasts, the recurring theme, even when you're watching podcasts of 55 year old people, is that they may have had some unbelievable challenges as children or into their teen years, but it's fixable. These things are fixable. As long as we approach parenting with love, with best intentions, then ultimately that's the best way. We're not going to get it right 100% of the time. And 100% of the time is not what we should be seeking. We should be seeking each day to just do the best that we can in that day rather than to be I hope you have found those six strategies, six kind of pointers really, really helpful. And my give this week is going to be these six pointers in a checklist. And I really would urge you, regardless of how old your child is, whether you're expecting for the first time or whether you're looking at next stage, is to keep that in mind and then go and revisit this. If you're expecting, revisit this episode in six months, eight months, 12 months time. If you're listening to this podcast episode and your child's going through a particular stage, then again, revisit it because this is so relevant at every age and stage that our children go into. So this will be the resource, the six pointers. So it can serve as a reminder and also a tool to practically use. All you need to do is head over to my free resource library, drmaryhand.com forward slash library, where you'll find the link to download the resource. All you need to do is pop in your this week's resource, but all the other free resources across all my podcast episodes. As ever, if you have enjoyed this episode, I would love it if you could follow and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time.
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