What To Do When Your English Disappears in Mid Conversation!

Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation with someone in English and all of a sudden it just feels like your English vanishes? It just disappears and you don't know what to say next. All of a sudden the words that you had in mind to say or the ideas that you were thinking just suddenly kind of disappear. Right in the worst possible moment when you're trying to have a conversation with someone. Oh my goodness that's such a frustrating and embarrassing and you know maddening experience. It makes you feel like you want to disappear. It makes you feel like, "Geez I'm not good at this. Maybe I should just give up and stop doing this. This is so embarrassing. It's not worth it. I just feel like such a moron and I bet that the person that I'm trying to talk to or the people around me who can hear me failing so badly in this moment are probably thinking the same thing about me that oh my goodness this person is so dumb. This person is so stupid they can't even get their thoughts out correctly. What a waste of time to be spending time trying to talk to them. Oh my goodness. Before I go on, hi my name is Aaron. Welcome to the Self-Ep success podcast. I'm glad that you are here. I'm glad that you have stopped by and are listening. Today I'm sharing a little bit about a conversation that I had recently with someone that I'm working with inside the Self-Ep success school. And they were sharing with me one of their recent experiences where they felt like their English just poof. It just disappeared. And that's something that I can totally relate with as someone who has been trying to learn Spanish for a long time. And even when I'm using English, it happens to me. And English is my first language. But I totally identify with that feeling of in the middle of a conversation and the least, least, opportune moment, it just disappears. Your English just goes somewhere and you are stuck and it's horrible. Have you ever been there? Have you ever felt like that has happened to you? I think it's like a universal situation. Even for people who are not trying to learn a new language, they're just having a conversation. I think everybody has this happened to them once in a while. But for sure when you're trying to learn and use a new language, in our case here as we're talking together, that would be English. I think it's way more prevalent. It happens much more because you're doing something that you're not necessarily used to. And for one, I think that we attach a lot of meaning to that when it happens. We attach a lot of baggage to that experience of when we freeze and we don't know what to say next. The person that I was listening to as they were sharing their story with me, they were attaching the baggage of I feel stupid. I feel less intelligent when I'm trying to use English and I'm way more intelligent sounding when I'm speaking in my first language. So you can see them carrying understandably so because I've done that too. I've attached that baggage to my own self and my own way of thinking about me when I've had that happening. So I'm not knocking that. I'm not throwing shade on that. That's such a normal experience to have happen. But I think it's important that we take a little bit of a step back and re-evaluate what is happening and how we think about those mistakes when they happen because you are not less intelligent in your second language. Of course, we have those moments where we can't express ourselves as fully and completely as we'd like to, as we are able to in our first language most of the time. And it is understandable that you would feel that sense of somehow being less effective in your second language. But I want to try to, I guess my first idea is to encourage you not to pick up that luggage if you can. Like we can, that the choice to pick it up happens very quickly. It really does. And it's very easy to reach down and pick up that I'm so stupid, thought and just put it on and leave it on. Or to pick up that baggage that says, "I suck at this and I'm never going to get better and just carry it with us for the rest of the day." Or to pick up that baggage that says, "I am less intelligent in English than I am in my first language." And everybody around me knows this is true. Like they think of me as being this poor silly stupid person. And we have that choice in a split second to decide if we're going to grab it and wear it, like own it, make it how we think about ourselves. Or we have some options to change the language that we allow and the words that we allow to circulate inside of us. Because this is one thing that I firmly believe that how we think about ourselves and what we think about in general has a big impact on how we see ourselves and the way we act in the world. So if we're putting in negative ideas about ourselves that quite frankly are not true, we're going to be walking around in a cloud, in a dark cloud and it's not going to help us to move forward. And again, I am guilty of doing this too. So I'm not here with my arms crossed pointing at you saying, "Hey, you got to do better. I'm also talking to myself because I have those moments too where I get down on myself." But my first point for you, my first suggestion for you is to have a gentler approach to this. Instead of that negative luggage we were just talking about, I'm so stupid, I'm less intelligent. And everybody thinks the same way about me, maybe change that baggage or change what the words that we listen to about ourselves in that moment instead say, "I made a mistake," or "I had a moment where I just forgot what to say." That doesn't mean I'm stupid. It means, "When I'm taking a risk, when you are using English with other people and it's not your first language, you're taking a huge risk that a lot of people just don't understand. If they've never tried to use a new language, they don't understand how risky and scary that can feel and how easy it is to be in mid-flow, big conversation and then just have everything up here dry up. It just happens. It happens." So I guess what, and again, I've said this a couple of times. Well I want to leave with you as change what you pick up. You have a choice. I have a choice. I have a choice to decide if I'm going to play those words in my mind that I'm dumb and stupid or I can change what I'm thinking. No, I'm not dumb and stupid. I just forgot what to say. But I'll remember. I forgot what to say, but I'm taking risks. If you just give me a moment as I pause and as I think, I will think of a different way to say what I want to say. It will come back to me and then actually do that. It's okay to say in the middle of your conversation, not on the self of the exam, but when you're having a conversation with somebody, it's totally okay to say, "Oh, wait a minute. I lost my train of flight. Give me a second." I mean, this happens in conversations that I have with the people that I work with. I work with seniors. I mean, you can make the case. You can make the argument that seniors in general tend to forget things as they go along. But I think it happens in everyday conversations. I know I've heard and been involved in conversations where the person just said, "I just totally lost my train of flight. Give me a second." And then they think, they find what they want to say. "Oh yeah, I remember what I wanted to say." I mean, it's happened to me in this podcast many times. And I'm practicing actually not editing those out. Even as we were talking just now, I had a couple of moments where I don't know if you noticed it, but there was a couple of times where I lost what I was trying to express to you. And that's normal. We need to normalize that experience because it's normal. It happens to everybody. And it especially happens to people who are trying to work on their second language. I'm going to take a drink of my coffee right now. What are you drinking today as you are listening to this? you. listen or watch and enjoy something to drink. What do you like? I'm going for some coffee. I'm going for some coffee in my favorite central perk coffee mug. I was talking to you about that in a previous episode, wasn't I? That is my go-to mug, my friend. It's my favorite thing to drink going up. And that's not what we're talking about today. I got off target and now I'm just going to bring myself gently back into what we were just talking about here. But yeah, my first encouragement for you is to don't just automatically reach for that negative luggage, that negative baggage and carry it around all day. For some reason, it seems like it's way easier to grab that luggage. It's easier to think negatively about our abilities, about how we're doing, about the mistakes, in quotation marks that we make. But let's reframe. Let's reframe. When we forget what we're trying to say in a make conversation, the reframe thought should be this is normal. And you can even say this aloud, oh, I forgot what I wanted to say. Just give me a second. I will figure out what I'm going to say and then I'm going to keep going. Or just give me a second. I lost my train of thought. And then when you find out when you find it out again, just go ahead and oh yeah, I remember what I wanted to say. This happens to everybody, especially those who are using and learning to use a new language. So that's my first idea. The second idea and the idea that I'm going to quite possibly finish this episode with is a quote from someone named Dale Carnegie. You might have heard of Dale Carnegie. He wrote a, I don't know if it's a popular book, but it's definitely gotten a lot of attention, like, especially in the 90s and 2000s. It's called How to Win Friends and Influence People. You ever hear that book? Well, he's the person who wrote it. And anyway, one of his quotes that I think I'm going to give you one of his quotes from that book or at least something that he said, I don't know if it's from the book, but he said something that I think will help us. You see, I lost my train of thought right there. Give me a minute. It's going to come back to me. I remember what I was going to say. Oh, my gosh. So when we, when we are struggling with this, having like losing what we're trying to say, I think, especially as an introvert, one of the reasons why I lose my train of thought sometimes is when I feel the pressure of the conversation being on me, when I feel like I'm the one who has to keep that conversation going, oh, man, the pressure builds. Like it feels like I'm, I don't know if you've ever used a pressure cooker or you know, an insta-pie, you know, had the pressure inside of it builds and builds and builds. I feel like that when I'm having a conversation with somebody and the attention is on me too long. I feel very uncomfortable when I feel like I've been talking about myself for too long. I really don't like it as an introvert. Maybe that's how you feel too. And it's especially true when I'm trying to use Spanish and I bet it's especially true for you when you're trying to use your English skills. So you might be wondering, okay, so you started talking about Dale Carnegie. What's up? You forgot to talk about that. No, I didn't. I didn't. So here's an idea, a quote from Dale Carnegie that I think especially will help us introverts. And I use this all the time. It went when I learned that this strategy, I don't remember when it was. It was many years ago, but I embraced it wholeheartedly. This is what Dale Carnegie had to say. And I quote, I'm just going to read it. I've got it down here on my notes. It's, he says that the royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. If we talk to people about what they are interested in, they will feel valued and value us in return. So that's by Dale Carnegie. So I'm just going to move for a second just to switch things up. If you'll come with me, I'm just going to walk over to a different chair. But I don't know if you picked up the idea there, what he was talking about. He was saying that if you want to make your conversations easier, although he didn't say it exactly like that, but if you want to to have a more engaging conversation with somebody, the secret is to not spend more time talking about you. And that's good news for us introverts, isn't it? He says that the best thing that you can do is to ask questions to get the other person to do most of the talking. And I think that that's a fantastic strategy. And like I said a moment ago, when I learned that strategy, I embraced it completely. And it became my my go-to way to have conversations with people. I always try to get the spotlight, the attention of what's happening in the conversation on the other people that I'm talking with. I will very quickly move the topic off of me. And I will move it onto the to those around me, not because I'm trying to hide. I don't mind sharing things about my life. I don't mind opening up to people, but I do tend to feel this comfort or uncomfortable when the center, where the the attention is on me for too long. And I think that that is a secret for helping you. If you struggle with feeling like your words in English just disappear sometimes, maybe one of the things that's happening is that you're feeling the pressure of having the carry the conversation. And maybe one of the things that you could do that will help you is to ask more questions of the people that you are trying to talk with. Turn the light onto them. I've shared this before. When I was learning how to be an English teacher, I remember my mentor telling me this and it's always stuck with me. He said, beware of teacher talk. Don't be the one doing all the talking. Imagine that you are on a stage and you know how when you go on a stage, you get this big spotlight shining on you like from the theater or yeah, if you're putting on a theatrical performance, when the actor comes on to the stage, this big bright spotlight comes on them. Right? He said, imagine that whenever you are doing the talking, that spotlight is shining on you. And if you're the teacher, you should not be having that spotlight on you for too long. It should be on your student. It should be on the people that you're encouraging and helping to learn to use English, right? If you're wanting to improve your fluency skills, you need to talk more. So the that spotlight needs to be on you. That's always stuck with me. And whenever I'm in a conversation with somebody, I guess I just feel like inside, oh, that light's on me. I don't want it to be on me. So I'm just going to ask some questions to get other people involved in the conversation and getting them talking. And it's a cool thing that what Dale Carnegie mentions is that when people talk about themselves, when they in general, they they really like it. And that's kind of like a psychological truth. I've heard and repeated in many different ways that people in general enjoy talking about themselves. Even I do in very little doses, right? I don't want to be doing it all the time. No. But in general, people tend to really like sharing things about them. And Carnegie points out that when they are talking about themselves, they like it. But they also come away thinking that you, the one who's asking them these questions are somehow way more interesting. They they have they form in general a better opinion of you. And so I see a couple of benefits there. One, you're not the one having to carry the conversation. And that's a great thing. I don't get to have another coffee. You're not the one having to carry the conversation. Two, remember how we were saying when I make a mistake, when I forget what I'm trying to say, I somehow think that the person that I'm talking to will think that I am stupid or their opinion of me will go down. I think this strategy is a great way forward. You know, it's it's saying they're going to like me more because I'm asking them questions and I'm listening carefully. And I think that that's part of the secret of this. You don't want to be disengaged. When you're having these conversations, you want to be paying extra attention to what the person is saying Because you want to be able to ask follow-up questions and that's great practice for yourself with exam by the way All of this that I'm sharing with you are great ideas to help you to get ready for the exam for your exam One you are you are practicing being involved in a conversation where you're using your English skills Even if you're just asking questions and follow-up questions You're developing your listening skills at the same time because in order to ask good follow-up questions You had to be paying attention to what the person is saying You are also getting a great opportunity to work under the pressure of time, you know When that when your conversation partner stops talking that means the attention is going to be eventually coming back to you Even if you've asked great questions, there will be a moment probably when they will maybe turn the conversation back to you with a question of their own And that's where you need to very quickly come up with a response as well So this is very good practice for the exam too as well as helping you to deal with that moment of forgetting what you're going to say and how to recover from it and So engage in this kind of thing frequently Because it will help you it will help you to feel more comfortable more confident with your English skills And finally the last thing that I wanted to say today was on the exam You don't get to ask those kinds of questions and what do you do in the middle of the exam when you forget what you're going to say The only thing that I can suggest to you is to try your best to keep moving forward Don't reach for that luggage that we were talking about at the beginning If this happens to you in the middle of the exam don't reach for that luggage and pick it up and start thinking I'm such a terrible person with my English. I suck at this. I'm never gonna don't just don't reach for it leave it on the ground Take a breath and keep going take a breath and try again with what you're trying to say push ahead Find another way to say what you're trying to say but don't let it derail you and between now and your exam day See if you can increase the number of times you get involved in conversations So that you have as many opportunities as possible to be practicing your English in everyday situations because that my friend is the best way to be working and getting ready for your exam by using your English a little bit everyday Thank you so much for listening to the self-impost success podcast. I hope you'll come back again next time have a fantastic week. Bye-bye Are you feeling stuck with your self-imp speaking practice? Like maybe the timer starts and your mind just goes completely blank or you're just tired of recording yourself and feeling like it sounds so cringy I totally get it. That's why I've created a free private podcast just for you It includes a three-part audio series you can listen to anywhere in your car at the gym or while you're making dinner I'll show you in that series how exactly you can dive into your answers without wasting time I'll help you to learn how to think faster under pressure and how to finally stop being afraid of that microphone and as an introvert one introvert to another the things that we are going to be working on together are totally absolutely 1,000% introvert friendly and did I already mentioned that this is absolutely free? It is and it comes with bonus practice PDFs that you can follow along with as you listen To grab this free resource just go to self-impost success.com forward slash free that's self-impost success.com forward slash free download it today