Speaker 1And it's like, why? Stay calm. If I could stay calm, Mary-Anne, I would be. Hello and welcome to the How Not To Screw Up Your Kids podcast, the bucket-emptying episodes. I'm your host, Dr. Mary-Anne, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode, we are continuing with the listener question, a subject that we are all familiar with to some extent. It's when our children refuse to comply. Now, if you will remember, this podcast episode is in two parts because, as you might expect, when we think about non-compliance, there's what do we do in the moment and what might we want to do offline or afterwards to tackle any issues or skills gap that is actually driving the non-compliance. So, we've done the episode. On what's under the hood that might be causing and creating these constant challenges around non-compliance. Today's episode is looking more specifically at, okay, there's this great stuff that we can be doing offline afterwards, but what do I do, Mary-Anne, in the moment? How do I manage and what do I do in the moment when I'm presented with non-compliance? So, I'm going to share with you six tips. And it's why we've had to break it up into two episodes because it's quite, there's a lot to kind of cover. What I will say, just as a bit of a context for those of you who may not have yet listened to the what might be driving it, is that the way that I'm approaching how we might help a child who is appearing to be defiant, digging their heels, refusing to do what we ask them to do, or just simply not listening, is I want us to remember that there is, I genuinely believe that children want to do what we ask them to do. And I think that's what we're trying to do. I think that's what we're trying to do. I think that's what we ask them to do. They just either have a skills gap or an emotional need, which is missing, that is the missing link in terms of why they are not being compliant. And so it is really important that the context of what I'm going to give you today in terms of what do we do in the moment is also that we do the work in terms of trying to understand what might be driving it, because it will lead to fewer frustrations for us. But it will lead to fewer frustrations for us. And so I think that's also lead massively to a sense of less frustration for our children. So in the moment, we've asked our child to do something, and they're just simply not doing it. They've dug their heels, or they're just simply refusing. So the first thing is, stay calm. I know that this is so hard, particularly when we've got a busy day. And let's face it, our children tend to save their non-compliance and their heel at the moment that we've got a million and one jobs to do, and we need to get out of the door any minute now, or we're holding multiple things. And it's like, why? So I do understand that. I even say with children, it's quite inflammatory, this notion of just stay calm. It's like, stay calm. If I could stay calm, Mary Ann, I would be. But I would say it's where we can if we stay calm. Because if we stay calm, it's where we can stay calm. And I think that's the way that looks like. For a start, you're not going to screw up your kids, because we've always got that opportunity to come back and repair. But what it means is it sends things off in an escalation where we end up with this battle of wills, like who's going to buckle first? Who's going to give in? And so what we want to remember is when our child is being non-compliant, even when they do this in a very calm way, so they just simply stand with their arms crossed, and they're just like, no, I won't. They are quite likely to be emotionally dysregulated, even if they appear calm on the outside. And our greatest tool is to meet their fire, their frustration, their rage, their defiance with calm and compassion. Now, you're probably thinking, how the hell do you expect me to do this, Mary Ann, when I'm already feeling hugely triggered by my child? Or this is like the 10th millionth time that I've asked them, and they still won't listen. I'm going to go back to you, on the basis that this is a bucket emptying episode. These episodes, these shorter listener questions or short hacks are all about emptying our bucket. So it takes it back to, okay, in a moment that you may have just had before you listened to this podcast, you lost it. Fine. But you know now, hopefully, and maybe you're committed to that understanding of fundamentally, we all have bills throughout the day, but not all things that go into our bucket are created equal. And this is the same for our children as it is for us. So you might have one child where 20 things can go in their bucket and it's still not overflowing. And for another child, there are two things and that's it. It's already overflowing. But it's also recognizing that if we are going to meet our child's dysregulation with our regulation, so that we can provide this beautiful container, this metaphorical container for our child to kind of experience all of their feelings, then we need to take care of ourselves. We need to be aware of what's filling our bucket and how we can empty our bucket rather than having this tap that is attached to a hose that just simply, as we open the tap, it just refills our bucket. So this is why this whole notion of self-care is not pampering, but simply ensuring that your bucket is an empty enough so that when your child presents dysregulated, that you're able to hold that containment. So the first one is where possible, really try and stay calm. And it's finding ways that might help you in that moment. You may not be calm in that moment, but ways that you can do that. So that's the first thing is stay calm. The second thing I would say is take it back to basics. Sometimes our children do not do what we ask them to do because we haven't got their full attention. Something else they haven't really tuned in, even though they might say they have, even though they might be saying yes and nodding. So when we take it back to basics, we want to make sure we do the following, that we've got their full attention. I personally find over the sort of decades that I've worked with young children and also as a mother, I found that touch was a really powerful way of making sure that I had my child's attention because often I would feel that I had their attention because they would look up because I said something, but their mind was somewhat distracted on what they were doing. In the same way as us, as adults, our child comes up to us when they're in the middle of doing something and says, mom, dad, and then tries to ask us a question and we look round at them, but our mind is already, is still on whatever it was that we were doing. And then we either have to ask them to say it again, or we sort of nod and smile, but we haven't really taken it in. And their full attention and touch can be a really powerful one, just, just on their arm, on their hand that does that. Get down to their level so that you, you're squatting down if they're doing something in that way or kneeling down so that you've got, you're at their level, you're giving them some eye contact and you want to keep the request that you are asking them to do short and simple. Don't overlay it with lots of words. So for example, you may well have noncompliance around getting into a car, into the car seat. So we might say we are getting in the car now and need to, and you need to sit in your car seat and click the safety belt. I know you would much rather stay playing with your game, but we have to go to nursery now. And I promise you'll be able to go straight back to the game when we get home later. What would you like to take with you to hold and play in the car? We've got a couple of minutes to choose, for example. I mean, that's a particularly longer one, but that works on the basis that if we've already got a child who's using, or we can sense that we are probably going to have a bit of noncompliance. It's about being really clear what the request is. We're going to get into the car. You need to get into your car seat and we're going to click it because we're going to go to nursery. And it may well be that that is the request because you actually have not got time to do anything else. And so that is what you're doing. And then as you're then walking to the car and getting ready to open it and to click them in, we're explaining that that's what we're going to do. And I, you know, I know that you're really enjoying that game and you'd much rather be doing that, but I promise when we get back later, you can go straight to playing that game. So it's really being clear with what we're asking them to do, but making sure that we set ourselves up for success by getting their full attention, as well as being really clear what we are, what we ask them to do, get to their level and eye contact and keep the request as short and simple as possible. And now we're going to take a pause for a word from our sponsors.
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Speaker 1Number three is if things do get incredibly heated, if you can see that you're, maybe you haven't stayed calm, maybe your child hasn't stayed calm, maybe you've been really trying, maybe the request for whatever reason hasn't sort of landed and you're beginning to see that the battle lines are being set, what you might want to do is simply take a break and return to the request. So if you feel that you can't complete steps one and two, you can't stay calm or you can't take it back to the basics, those have not occurred, then what we can simply do instead is take a moment to reset. And it's not a failing, it's simply a reset and try again. So you might say, we all need a reset. We're going to have one minute, set the timer, and then we're going to get back together and get ready to do what you're asking to do. So you're just giving everyone some space and a moment to pause so you can then come back together and regroup. And it is, you know, I find sometimes when we have that reset time, it just gives our children and also us an opportunity to think about what might I want, how might I want to show up? What might I want to do? And more often, than not, that our children may well then comply. We may find that they're complying. You know, maybe the request is that they help empty the dishwasher, for example. And we've given that kind of reset. But in that process of the reset, we maybe are starting to clear some of it. And we might find that our child then joins us and then does that because we've given them the opportunity to reset. And then there's a bit of calm and quiet in between. So taking a break and making the request again can be a really powerful tool. The only thing that I would say is that if you are going to take a break and then return to the request, this is not about our children being able to go back and re-engage in either being on tech, particularly tech, or re-engaging with things that will then distract them. Because all you're doing is going back to the first situation that you were in. The reset is just about being. And the reset should be a short amount of time, sort of five minutes tops, so that they don't have an opportunity to get re-engaged and re-engrossed in something else. So number three is take a break. Number four is using a quieter voice. Actually, that can really grab your child's attention so much more than what we tend to find when we're getting frustration and frustrated that our children are not doing what we ask them to do, that we find that our voice just gets louder and louder. And so there's almost a predictability within that that children tune out of. And just think about the dynamics and how that plays out in your family, particularly. So children often, it's one of the reasons why they don't do what we ask them to do first time, is that they've almost learned, and this will be different in different families, is that I've learned that actually when my parents ask me something, they ask me once. By the second time they raise their voice, the third time it's getting a bit louder, and the fourth time they shout. And so actually I respond on the fourth. It's not a conscious thing. They don't sit there going, oh, that's number one, two, three, four, right, now I act. But they've just learned habitually because we have not, maybe we've been busy, or you're like me, you're someone who sort of verbalizes instructions all of the time as a way of kind of keeping things that are in your head so that you can then make sure that things happen. And so you say things out loud a lot, and your children have just learned to zone out of it because they know it's not a direct request to them. And so what typically happens is our children just learn to zone out of it. If we are not, I've made a request once, and then I'm consistent in the follow-up and expectation that you do it. What then happens is our children then tune out and then just simply don't do that. When we use a quiet voice, that's novelty to the brain because the brain is expecting that it's like it starts at this decibel, then it goes to this one, and then this one, and it's always up, up, up. When it goes down, it's suddenly like, whoa, what's that? And then they tune in. My mom, we knew we were in major trouble when your voice went really low because it was just so powerful because it was not part of that predictability habit. Oh, this is how things always are. So I think sometimes using a quieter voice can grab their attention. It can be more powerful. And by using a quieter voice, it almost, I find it forces us to really become emotionally regulated, to be that stable, that clarity. It's very difficult to rant and rave and become irrational and overly emotional and have that emotional tirade that our children 100% switch off from when we're having a quiet voice. So it's a really powerful tool. So never underestimate the power of that. And then number five is, can you make it into a game or make the battlegrounds over getting shoes on all of the time? Maybe mix it up. Maybe say like, we're going to put each other's shoes on, not literally put each other's on, but you're going to help me put my shoes on. And then I'm going to put my shoes on you. Or it could be that, can you get into the car seat using the opposite door that you normally do? Or can you brush your teeth with your non dominant hand or while standing on one leg, just mix it up. So it becomes much more of a fun thing. And if you do that regularly enough, what then happens is your children start thinking of things and it can then become a, you know, each time we get into the car seat, can we just do it slightly differently? Or what's the shortest number of steps that we can take between now and being in our car seat? Anything that just makes it a little bit more fun and you can make it into some form of game. I know that often as parents, we use the, you know, who could be the fastest. And for some of us, it's like being creative. What could I do to make this particular task that little bit more enticing and engaging and reduce the amount of conflict that I have within that moment? So that's number five. And then number six is about praising the behavior when you see it. And that isn't just about praising compliance, but praising the process that your child has gone through in order to become more compliant. Because if you're not praising compliance, you're not praising the process that our children, it may be a journey for our children in terms of compliance, particularly if you listen to the reasons why, if you go back to that episode and look at why it is that our children may well be non-compliant. You know, if we understand that, you know, actually my child's not capable yet, you know, it's not reasonable for me to expect my child to be able to do this independently. So that's where the praise can be really powerful because at each step where they're making an attempt and an effort. So it's not about outcome. It's about the process of the effort that they spend and the, you know, the effort. I can see that you're really listening to what I'm asking you to do. I see that you're really thinking about making sure that you're helping all of these aspects of praising the process means that it makes it so much easier for our children to then be more likely to do that because they've got this lovely sort of sense of being seen and heard and recognized for their attempts, even if they are not yet able to master it. And I hope, so I hope that those six in conjunction, I think it's really important to listen to this podcast in context with the why it might be happening in the first place, because they're the two most important pieces of the jigsaw. If you only work on one, you're only going to get half the story. What we really want to try and do is work on both of them because then we've got the proper story and we're much more likely to see these, the bigger change that we want. And for that change to be more important. So I hope that those six in conjunction, I think it's really important. So I hope that those six in conjunction, I think it's really important that those six in conjunction, I think it's really important that those six in conjunction, I think it's really important that those six in conjunction, I think it's really important that those six in conjunction As ever, sharing these podcast episodes with friends, neighbors, family, or work colleagues who might also benefit, particularly when it comes to non-compliance, because this is something that affects every parent from a sort of a two-year-old all the way up to a 22-year-old. So it can be super, super helpful. So do please share this episode with anyone who might find it helpful. And of course, if you are a regular listener or you have just tuned in, please for the very first time, rating the podcast out of five takes seconds. And then leaving a short review or a long review, if you want to, is all part of that process of other parents being able to find the podcast, benefit from the same strategies that you're benefiting from. And it also helps us spread the love. So until next time. I'll see you next time.
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