What 'Rock Bottom' Really Means and How It's Keeping You Stuck

Hey everybody, welcome to the Addiction Unlimited Podcast where you get to learn everything you want to know about addiction and recovery. I'm your host, Angela Pugh, co-founder of Kansas City Recovery, Life Coach and Recovery and Alcoholic. To learn more about me, you can listen to episode zero on your podcast app or find us on the web at AddictionUnlimited.com. You know what most people think rock bottom looks like, a DUI, a job loss, a divorce, some kind of public collapse where everyone can see that you've fallen apart. And here's what happens if you're a high functioning drinker and none of these things have happened to you yet. Your brain tells you that you don't really qualify for quitting. That you're not bad enough, that maybe you're just being dramatic or overreacting because look around, your life is fine, you're managing, you're keeping it together. And so you keep drinking because in your mind you haven't earned the right to stop yet. Here's what I want you to understand today. Most high functioning drinkers aren't confused about drinking. They're confused about rock bottom. You already know drinking isn't working for you. You know it's taking more than it's giving. You know you're tired of thinking about it, managing it, moderating it, justifying it. That part isn't confusing. What's confusing is whether it's time to do something about it. And that confusion, that's the thing keeping you stuck because you think rock bottom is an external event, something that happens to you, something visible and dramatic that gives you undeniable proof that you need to stop. But that's not what rock bottom is. And waiting for it is keeping you trapped in a cycle that doesn't end. Let's talk about how this actually looks in real life. First, there's the comparison trap, right? I'm not that bad trap. You look at your life and you compare it to disaster scenarios. You think about DUIs and divorces, job losses and public meltdowns. And as long as those things haven't happened to you, your brain tells you that you're still okay, that you're not that bad, that drinking can stay on the table. But here's the problem with that logic. You're comparing apples to oranges. You're comparing your high functioning life to other people's worst moments. And of course you're going to come out ahead in that comparison. Of course you're going to feel like you're fine. But you're getting this totally wrong. Let's look at it like this. If you look at the last straw of my drinking, my car accident, you would look at your life and say, well, that's never happened to me. I go to work every day. I take care of my family. I run my household. I live in a nice place with a nice car and a nice handbag. I'm not that bad. And you'd be right. That specific thing hasn't happened to you. But here's what you're missing. If you compare your life to my life, my life looked exactly the same as yours. I went to work every day too. I had money and a nice place to live and a $70,000 car in the garage and the Louis Vuitton handbag. I showed up. I performed. I looked put together from the outside. My life details weren't a mess. And this is my point. You're comparing external circumstances with internal states of mind. You're looking at the crash and saying, well, I've never done that, so I must be fine. But my life wasn't the problem. My mind was the problem. My insecurity, my bad decisions, my need for instant gratification, anxiety, unresolved trauma, my complete lack of self-esteem, the lying to myself and everyone around me. And the fact that I could only treat those issues with a drink. That's the problem. The car accident was just the inevitable result of all of that, right? It wasn't the problem itself. It was just the moment that the internal chaos became visible on the outside. So when you compare your mind to my mind, when you compare how you feel about yourself, how you talk to yourself, how exhausting it is to manage your drinking, how much energy you spend thinking about it and planning around it and justifying it, I bet we look a lot more similar than when you try to compare your life to my car accident. That's rock bottom, not the external event, but the internal experience. And by the way, this same thing happens in meetings. And I'm talking about AA because that's my experience and my expertise, but this applies to any recovery meeting anywhere. People tell me this all the time, like I went to a meeting and I couldn't relate. Everyone was talking about these major tragedies and horrific rock bottom moments and I just sat there thinking that's not me. I've never been to jail. I've never been homeless. I've never lost custody of my kids. So they leave and they walk out thinking, I guess I'm not that bad. I don't belong here. Here's what you're missing. You're doing the exact same thing. Comparing external details instead of internal feelings. When you listen to someone share in a meeting about going to jail or losing their job or leaving their family, what you're supposed to be listening for isn't whether those specific things have happened to you. You're listening for the feelings underneath, the confusion, the overwhelm, the defeat, the killing lost, disgusted with yourself, feeling fucked up, humiliated, like you've lost control of everything and you don't know how to get it back. That's what you're listening for. Not the jail story, the divorce or the bankruptcy. When someone shares about hitting their rock bottom, they're not sharing the external details so you can compare life events. They're sharing the internal experience so you can recognize yourself in it. Because here's the truth. Our external details and experiences are almost never going to match. My rock bottom won't look like yours. Yours won't look like the person sitting next to you in a meeting. We all have different lives, different circumstances and different breaking points. But how rock bottom feels? It's the same for everyone. It feels like you just can't take it anymore. You can't keep living like this. You can't keep doing this to yourself. You're exhausted. You're done. That feeling, that's universal. That's what connects us. Not whether someone went to jail or ended up homeless. So when you're sitting in a meeting or listening to someone's story or reading about someone's experience, don't get stuck on the details. Listen for the feelings. Because I guarantee you when you do that, you're going to hear yourself everywhere. You know what I crave most after a long day, especially this time of year? I want peace, calm, and my cozy earth blanket. I call it my postwork sanctuary. Because it's not just comfort, it's calm for your nervous system. Their loungewear and bedding are made from visco's from bamboo, which means it's buttery soft and helps regulate your temperature. So you're never too hot or too cold, just grounded. If you're looking for a gift that feels more like an experience than a product, this is it. I'm talking about that curl up in breathe kind of gift for your partner, your mom, your best friend, or just for yourself. Go to cozy earth.com and use code Angela for 20% off. Cozy earth is the gift that wraps them in comfort long after the holidays fade. Because luxury doesn't have to be loud. It just has to last. Okay. So let's talk about what rock bottom actually is. Rock bottom is not external. It's not an event. It's not something that happens to you that everyone can see. Rock bottom is internal. It's emotional. It's the moment you realize you can't live like this anymore. That the person you are when you drink or the person you're becoming because of drinking isn't who you want to be. It's not who you thought you'd be at this point in your life. It's when the cost is no longer worth the relief because yes, drinking still works in the moment. It still takes the edge off. It makes things feel easier for a few hours. But the cost, the anxiety the next day, the shame, the foggy mornings, relationships that feel distance, goals you keep putting off, the version of yourself you keep compromising on. That cost is too high. Rock bottom is when you're tired of the mental gymnastics, tired of the rules and the limits and the justice wants and the all start fresh on Monday, tired of spending so much energy, managing something that's supposed to be fun and relaxing. Rock bottom is the moment you realize you can't live like this anymore. Even if your life still looks good, even if no one else knows you're struggling, even if you're still functioning, if everything on the outside appears fine. This is what rock bottom actually is. And once you understand this, everything changes. Let me tell you something about my story that might surprise you. My rock bottom was two years in the making. Two years. That's how long I lived in that space between knowing I needed to stop and actually doing something about it. And during those two years, the universe kept giving me little indicators, little opportunities to take actions, these little warning signs that were like, Hey, dumb, dumb, pay attention, do something, but I didn't. And the truth is I was just scared. I didn't really know what to do. It sounds silly, but I couldn't figure out how to start stopping. Like, just don't drink. It doesn't get you anywhere, right? That's not a plan. That's not actionable. And just like so many of you, I didn't want to go to meetings either. Nobody wants to go to meetings. People, no one dreams of going to AA one day, right? I didn't want to have to do a lot of work. I didn't want to commit to anything. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want help from anyone. I just wanted to isolate and be on my own and have my drinking problem fixed. I guess by magic, I guess that's what I really wanted. I just wanted some magical thing to come and take it away. But here's what I was never confused about. I was never in denial that I was an alcoholic or that I needed to quit drinking. All the feelings I felt every morning were a clear indicator. I wasn't doing things right. The shame, the anxiety, the exhaustion, the disappointment in myself. That was all there every single day telling me the truth. I knew I just wasn't doing anything about it. And this is where the external rock bottom event comes in because here's the power of it. The external event makes you finally take action. It puts you in a place where the fear of changing gets smaller than the fear of staying the same. That's why rock bottom gets associated with an event because for me, it took the event to get my stubborn oppositional ass to finally pay attention and do something about it. Instead of continuing to act like it wasn't that big of a deal because I was rich and I looked like I had my shit together. The car accident didn't create the clarity. The clarity was already there. The accident just made it impossible for me to ignore anymore. It forced my hand. It made the cost of doing nothing bigger than the cost of doing something. And here's what I want you to understand. I never got divorced. I never lost a job. I never went broke either. That didn't make me less of an alcoholic. Those are just circumstances. My internal experience, the fact that I thought about alcohol constantly that I couldn't imagine my life without it, that I needed it to feel okay, that I was lying to myself every single day about how much control I actually had. That is what made me an alcoholic. The external details, those are just the wrapping paper. They're not the gift. And here's what that means for you. You don't have to wait for the external event. Now listen, if you want to wait until things get worse, they will. I promise you that if you're not fighting with your spouse about drinking yet, you will. If you haven't had problems at work with performance or showing up on time or missing days yet, you will. If you haven't short-changed your kids because you'd rather have a glass of wine than build legos with them. If you haven't done that yet, you will. If you haven't made a fool of yourself in public around your friends or family yet, you will. This is the trajectory. It doesn't get better on its own. It doesn't plateau. It gets worse. Slowly, maybe subtly, probably, but it gets worse. And I'd be willing to bet that many of you listening to this have already had some of those situations happen. Maybe not all of them, maybe not the worst versions of them, but some version of them has already shown up in your life. And what did you do? You ignored it. You rationalized it. You laughed it off because everyone else was drinking too. I remember those days too. Something ridiculous happens one night and the next day everyone is calling and laughing about it and minimizing it because we were all drunk. Oh my God. Remember when you said blah, blah, blah. Remember when you did blah, blah, blah. And everyone laughs and it becomes a funny story instead of a warning sign. This is one of those moments where you feel humiliated and it could be a rock bottom. But because everyone is laughing about it, you keep your embarrassment hidden and you lower the bottom. And here's something else you need to understand. When you hear about someone's rock bottom, the jail time, the last job, the divorce, that stuff didn't happen overnight. Like I said, my rock bottom was two years in the making. Those big, dramatic events, their years in the making, just like my situation. There are a million smaller moments that get ignored, rationalized away, minimized, all those little moments lead up to those huge events. We all do this. We rationalize those smaller moments away. We ignore the outlandish behavior because everyone's laughing. We ignore when we were drunk and fell down and ended up with bruises or maybe even a broken bone. Oh, I'm just clumsy when I drink. We ignore when we were so drunk, we made out with someone we didn't even want to make out with or someone who's married or in a relationship. We ignore when we call in sick or take a personal day or mental health day when we're really too hung over from the football game to make it to work. All of those instances are small red flags that we rationalize. In each of those instances are examples of us lowering the bottom to accommodate our bad behavior and drunk decisions. Rock bottom could be any of those moments. I have a client whose rock bottom was when he chose a drink over playing with his kid. He declined playing with his son because it was time for his first drink and he wanted that drink more than he wanted to play with his kid. And he says the look on his son's face as he walked out of his office was life changing. That was his rock bottom moment when he understood how much he was prioritizing alcohol over things that actually are way more important. And he signed up to work with me that week and he just celebrated six years sober. See, he didn't need a huge car accident or he didn't need to go to jail or get a DUI rock bottom is internal. It's not any vent. It's not about what happened. It's about the moment you realize you can't keep living like this. We rationalize lowering the bottom because we don't want to admit we hit rock bottom. We're humiliated. We're disgusted with our behavior. We're disappointed in our decisions. So we act like it's not that big of a deal and we keep drinking. We lower the bar so we can still feel like we're not that bad. But every time you lower the bar, you're teaching your brain that this level of dysfunction is acceptable. You're recalibrating what normal looks like and that bar will keep dropping as long as you let it. The other thing that changes when you understand what rock bottom actually is is you stop asking the wrong questions. Do I really need to quit? If you're asking yourself whether you really need to quit, that question itself is your proof. Non-alcoholic people never ask themselves if they need to quit. They never wonder if they have a problem with alcohol. They don't spend hours googling am I an alcoholic or taking online quizzes or listening to podcasts about sobriety because they never think about alcohol, especially not like we do. They don't drink enough to wonder if they need to quit. They don't care about alcohol at all. They don't think about it throughout the day. They don't hope it's a part of every event. They aren't making regular trips to the liquor store. They don't think about alcohol as the focal point when they're having people over for dinner. It literally is not on their radar at all. They might have a drink at a wedding or a holiday party and then they don't think about alcohol again for months. It doesn't matter to them. It's not a thing they manage or monitor or worry about. But we think about it. Plan around it, look forward to it. You justify it, you moderate it, you count it, you worry about it. That's not normal. Those are habits of people with a problem. The other people don't do that. And this is why I tell people, if you're wondering if you have a problem, you probably have a problem. Because people that don't have a problem, never wonder if they have a problem. The question itself is the answer. The fact that you're here listening to this, thinking about your drinking, wondering if you need to stop, you already know. So here's what I want you to take away from this. Rock bottom is not an external event. It's not something that happens to you. It's not the DUI or the divorce, the job loss or the public collapse. Even if your life still looks good. It's internal. It's that exhaustion, the constant mental gymnastics that never ends. And here's what has to change. Stop comparing your life to other people's disasters. Stop waiting for things to get worse. Stop lowering the bar and rationalizing away the red flags that are already there. This is what we call getting honest. Acceptance. The fact that you're thinking about this, worrying about it, trying to manage it, that's your rock bottom in the making. Because you know, deep down, you already know this isn't working anymore. And if you're ready for a baby step, I want to invite you to join me for dry January boot camp. I do this every year. It is so much fun for those of you who want support and structure and a clear plan for how to actually do this thing. Because just one drink isn't a plan, but boot camp is and it's free. Go to addiction unlimited.com/bootcamp to learn more and sign up. From there, you'll get emails with all the steps. Read the emails. They matter. Do not skip the emails and start sending me 100 messages with 100 questions because you didn't read the emails. You're just going to get mad because I can't respond fast enough for you. Okay. Read the emails. I have emails set up to walk you through every step leading up to boot camp. Nothing happens until January 1. We've got a couple of weeks. So sign up. Then watch your inbox so you know exactly what to do next. Addiction unlimited.com/bootcamp. Of course that link will be in the show notes. And if you're someone looking for more than a baby step, you're done screen around and you're ready for real results in relief. Book a call with me to see if we're a good fit to work together. Addiction unlimited.com/call. That link is always in the show notes. I do have an opening right now and have a couple more coming up. But those spots are first come first serve. So don't wait. And don't forget this Friday another bonus episode from the unlimited life series. We've only got a couple of bonus episodes left. I love all the great feedback. We've been getting for these episodes and next year we'll do some more bonus episodes for different things. Okay, I hope you're having a fantastic day. Don't forget addiction unlimited.com/bootcamp to sign up and get more info about the boot camp or addiction unlimited.com/call. If you want to talk to me, I love you guys. Have a fantastic day and I will see you next week. You've reached the end of another great episode of the Addiction Unlimited podcast. Candid and honest conversation about addiction and recovery. 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