What Men Crave with John Wineland

This is the Authentic Sex Podcast, real-life conversations about sex, pleasure and relationships. On your host, Juliette Allen. Welcome to episode 88 of the Authentic Sex Podcast. My name is Juliette Allen, I'm a sexologist and a sex and relationship coach. And today we're talking about what men crave. I have a really beautiful guest on the show, his name is John Wyland. John is an L.A. based speaker and teacher, leading men and women in the practices of embodied masculine leadership, spiritual intimacy and sexual polarity. This episode is full of some golden gems in relationship to sex, intimacy and relationships. It in particular has a focus on what men are yearning for and seeking for in relationship and intimacy with women. It's definitely not heteronormative though. We do in a very inclusive of same-sex relationships. So it's more about who is more masculine in their masculine essence and who is it more in their feminine essence. So this podcast episode is for anyone wanting to understand the masculine identified people more in the world. Before we begin, this episode is sponsored by the Juliette Pleasure Wand. The Juliette is a premium crystal pleasure wand designed to heighten your sexual energy, every self-love and self-pleasure, expand your orgasmic experiences and connect you to your true sexual essence. You can read more and purchase your own crystal pleasure wand by visiting my website www.Juliette J-U-L-I-E-T hyphen allen www.an.com. So as mentioned, we, John, talked about a lot in this episode, we covered what men really want, why men find it challenging to identify what they want. We talk about the concept of men wanting less and women wanting more. We talk about men craving different energies in the bedroom. So speaking about the different energies that can be brought into intimacy and lovemaking from women and why men crave those different energies. We talk about, well, I bring up my challenge with as a woman running a business and being in my masculine energy more in the day-to-day runnings of my life and business and then how women can relax into their feminine more, especially when they're spending time with their partner. We talk about polarity, surrender, trust, so much is covered in this episode and it's such an honor to have John on the show. So welcome to the podcast, John. So great to have you on. Thank you, Julia. I'm happy to be here. Yeah. John, I would love to start by having you tell people what you're doing in the world. What is it that you're teaching and what are you passionate about and tell us a bit about, yeah, what you're doing? Yeah. Well, I teach in two different tracks, really. I teach men's work, which is really a form of masculine spiritual practice that comes from a few different, you know, lineages, Vajrayana Buddhism, Toltek and Mesoamerican shamanism and other sort of spiritual traditions around masculine practice, masculine spiritual practice and just what it means to deepen as a masculine being, doesn't have to be men. This also applies for masculine identified women, too, or whoever, right? So gender is not so much it, but it just, this is these traditions that I take from and then create my own sort of concoction are, you know, old lineages and Taoism, Vajrayana Buddhism and Toltek shamanism are the big three. So I do, that's something I'm really passionate about as men's work and I lead a men's program this year we have, it's a nine month program where I take guys through a whole arc of practice and an arc of spiritual practice and I love that. I love that. That's, that's a real, we end the program every year by going out into Death Valley, which is the deep, deep desert in California. Wow. Yeah, and we build our own little, it's kind of like, you know, it's kind of like a burning man camp, I suppose, where we have a practice, Shala will do meditation and practice and, and spend five days out there off the grid and it's just fucking wonderful. So I dig that, that's, that's been a, a real joy in my life to lead men's work and, and my passion is helping to create men's groups. So I hope to create a thousand men's groups over the next ten years and spread them out around the world and take embodied masculine practice and spread it out. So that's one track. And, yeah, and then the other track that I, that I'm passionate about is teaching yogic sexuality and yogic intimacy and, you know, I learned those terms from, from my teacher a man named David Data and I worked with David for about 12 years now and, you know, him and Sophia Diaz coined those terms about 30 plus years ago and I've just sort of created after working with David for a long time. I've created my own version of that. It's somewhere between a yogic practice, meditative practice, performance art and tantric practice and, and I do workshops around the world, you know, I teach, I don't know half a dozen co-ed workshops a year and just thought I wanted to do York, I'm going to teach one in L.A. in a couple weeks here and I love that. That's just a lot of fun, you know, teaching people how to connect and how to run energy and how to, how to have like the most beautiful sex without even touching each other. All of those things really, you know, inspired me. Mmm, beautiful. When are you coming to Australia? Yeah, I get that question a lot, I get that question a lot. I don't know, maybe, maybe it's something you see to be pretty plugged in, so maybe you can, you know, tell me, tell me how and where to go. I know Byron, I know Byron Bay is sort of a hotspot for this and I know David Todd there a couple times, but yeah, so I could, I could see myself, I could see myself going to Australia next year. Yeah, well, we'll have to chat about that afterwards, but I live, I live just near Byron, so that's where you want to be, I'm just up in the road. Wonderful. So yeah, you're doing amazing stuff in the world and like I was saying before we started recording, I've been following, been following you on Instagram for a while and just loving, loving the little snippets of videos that you've been putting up and just the, the teachings that you're sharing, it's, it's amazing and I'm, no doubt, having a big impact on people. So before we continue, what's your Instagram handle, just so if people are listening, they can go and check you out while, while we're chatting. Yeah, John, J.O.H.N. underscore wine land, wine like you drink, land like you live on. And pretty easy to find. Great. Not a lot of wine lands around. No, great surname. Yeah. Yeah. And cool. So today I want to talk about what men crave. A few, a few years back did a talk, a 10 minute talk and it's on YouTube for those listening who want to go and check this out afterwards called what men crave and I really loved it. It was really short and succinct and when I heard it, it just, it touched my heart and I really rung through with what I had learned about what men are seeking and, and yearning for in relationship and intimacy and sex. And so I want to focus on that today, just to give the people listening a greater understanding of men and the women who are in relationship with men, better understanding and perhaps the men listening, they may have some moments where they're like, "Oh, that is what I'm, that is what I'm craving, you know, I didn't know it, but that is what I want." So, um, so let's go into that, um, ah, firstly I'd love to ask, and this is a generalization, but why do you think, um, do you feel that men find it challenging to identify what they want in relationship and sex? Is that something that you, yeah, well, I do, I do, I mean, you know, above and beyond, you know, just hot sex and they know it when they feel it, but they don't quite know how to describe it. And so what I see happen a lot with men who, you know, who don't really know the jargon that I use or, you know, come from a, you know, like a tantric community or, you don't really understand masculine feminine in terms of the framework or dynamics. I think that most guys are really clear that they want energy, you know, and they want to be bathed in energy. And masculine identified guys when they're in their masculine, you know, because not all men are in their masculine all the time. Of course, but when they're in their masculine and if they're primarily masculine, what lights them up more than anything is to be bathed in energy. And there's nothing hotter, there's nothing more beautiful, there's nothing sexier than, you know, then heart opened, pleasure filled, just in live ends, feminine energy. I mean, you know, throughout history, guys have been, you know, fighting and dying for it, you know, they would do. And they would, it's, it's, it's, they would build the, you know, things like the Taj Mahal. So it's something that, you know, men are definitely looking for certain textures of energy and that energy usually has some combination of heart yearning and pleasure. Other things too, but those, those are kind of the secret, you know, the two really important ingredients. So do you mean when you say heart yearning and pleasure that that energy is coming from their woman, like the woman is. Yeah, yeah, could be a man too. In same-sex relationships works, yeah, and for yeah, so, so yeah, the yearning, you know, the feminine, the feminine heart yearns to be seen, filled, known, ravished, cherished, right. Most of the time, the, the, for all kinds of shit reasons, right. Women have, you know, either hidden that or, or modulated that or covered that up. And so what normally, what, what men usually respond to is a, is a revealed, a revealed desire, I guess would be another way to put it yearning is a term that David uses, but a desire to be ravished, a desire to be known, a desire to be penetrated, a desire to be taken someplace. That desire expressed through the body, not words so much, but through the body is like crack for somebody in their masculine, yeah. How do women, how do we learn how to express that through the body without always using words, if that's what we're yearning for as a woman. It's not feeling met in that area of our life. How do we learn how to do that for the women listening? Well, I think working with other women, it definitely helps to tune the body to that, like just being in the yearning and owning it, you know, the first thing that I run a woman's program as well. And one of the first things that I'll have women do is just own what they are yearning for, like to get really clear where, you know, men seem to have trouble knowing what they want sexually, I think women do too. And they have, they feel all the shame about owning how deeply they want to be ravished or how fully they want to be claimed or, you know, how powerfully they want to be fucked. You know, I mean, like all of those things are part of the experience, at least for the feminine women who are feminine in nature. And so I think that if, if a woman can practice revealing that through her body, it's an art, like maybe some kind of movement, but it's really about transmitting that heart yearning so that if somebody was standing in front of you or if somebody walked into the room, they would feel that heart yearning, which is, you know, which is incredibly vulnerable. For a feminine being to like let, like maybe there's tears, you know, it's, it's the depth of yearning that I see a lot of women feel is very vulnerable place, so it's understandable that it's not something that they want to reveal, you know, they want to reveal. But it's the thing that is the most attractive and the most magnetic for a masculine identified human being for a masculine being there is nothing more attractive than a woman's heart yearning to be known and her capacity to bring pleasure through her body. If you put those two things together, it's again, it's, it's almost irresistible. It's nourishment, it's nourishment for a masculine nervous system. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and like he said, this goes for those listening, though it goes for same sex couples too and women in relationship with women. I know in the past I've been in relationship with a woman long term relationship and can definitely remember back to when my partner at the time was in that yearning and it's so beautiful, it's so like magnetic to feel. So it's definitely not we're not talking just heteronormative relationships and dynamic. No, no, and I think that's a really important point because you know it's so easy to conflate gender and and you know these these energetics that we're talking about but oftentimes in same sex with the same sex relationships too that same arc of polarity. It can be it can be missing right and so you can have you know good friends or you can have a lot of sameness but for there to be sexual energy, there has to be both sameness and difference. So in in a you know same sex relationship having one partner doesn't matter which you know relax their feminine and amplify their masculine and have the other partner you know relax their feminine or relax your masculine and amplify their feminine it creates that arc. Yeah, polarity, yeah, yeah, your listeners that don't know that concept like the softball and the negative and the North Pole. Yeah, cool. I was going to get you to explain polarity a little more for those who are listening who are like what the hell are they talking about with polarity. So you've I think you've explained it though it's yeah, so to amplify their head there needs to be a masculine pole and a feminine pole for the maximum amount of sexual energy to fly. And you know how to do that is part of the art but but there are certain universals you know for masculine identified you know for you know someone and this can shift moment to moment this is not like you know a couple can shift every night every other night if they weren't so it really doesn't matter. As long as they have the capacity as long as somebody has a capacity to to be consciousness and embody consciousness and as long as the other partner has the capacity to embody energy love pleasure the energy that we were just talking about. We have those two two poles alive into human beings it doesn't matter if you're two men to women the man and a woman however your gender identified it'll be hot. Yeah, yeah, it'll be I've seen it in workshops after workshop after workshops. Yeah great and what what are for the couples listening who are having like a bit of a light bulb moment and thinking oh my god that's what's missing is polarity what what can people do to increase polarity in in their relationship or in in the bedroom. What can they do what is some like things I can walk away with today and start practicing or contemplating. Yeah well you know there's a lot I'll give you a couple that I think would be easy for anybody to start with and you know one of the first ones I see is just spending more time separate. If you think of you know two human beings who are naturally polar opposites you know naturally have different energies this is more heteronormative but this is you know a lot of most relationships I work with are this. And you know you have a masculine identified and a feminine identified human being well if you're if you're spending all this time together living together working together a lot that you see in modern couples. It's kind of like two magnets rubbing against each other and not only will they lose attraction but they'll actually start to repel. So taking time apart to re you know. to resource yourselves in your primary essence. So if you know, I'm imagining you know that your essence is feminine, is that fair to say? - Yes. - So if you took time away with other feminine beings, just being around each other amplifies your natural feminine. So when you come back, you're gonna be in your natural feminine. For a masculine partner, a spending time with other men, or a spending time in solitude, connects a masculine partner to more stillness, more emptiness, more consciousness, and it amplifies his masculine. So when he would come back to his relationship, he would be more in his masculine. So spending time apart is a big issue, I think, and really important. Spending time in practicing your masculine, kind of practicing your touching your essences every day, make it super important. Meditation and dance are two perfect ways to do that. - Meditation being the masculine dance, being the woman. - Yeah, yeah, those are real easy. And then another way that couples can amplify their polarity, once they spend time apart, if you're feminine, and if you're a feminine identified partner, anything that brings more pleasure into your body is going to occur as a feminine transmission. So femininity is really just a transmission of all of these different kinds of energies through the body, the yearning we talked about, pleasure, and the more that somebody transmits through their body, these energetics, the more they're said to be feminine or masculine. So pleasure, pleasure is a great one. So taking baths, self-pleasuring, I know you have wands that you use. Self-pleasuring is a beautiful way to do this as well. So solo sexual practice, especially for a woman, anything that brings pleasure into your body is going to amplify the her feminine and for a masculine partner, anything that drops him deeper into the moment. So anything that brings him more into the present moment in a full-bodied way will literally occur to his feminine partner's depth. She'll feel his weight, his depth, his consciousness is kind of a sexual gift. Just not just something to feel the infinite, but something to penetrate her. So that can happen in meditation. That could happen with just some breathing practice. It could happen martial arts as a way that I like to do it, a kung fu or chigong. Anything that does that will definitely fuck just breathing deeply into your belly for five minutes. - Yeah. - That will deepen the polarity in your relationship. - Great example, it's really cool. And it's when you said having Tomapot, great example of that is my partner. He just spent the weekend away on a men's retreat and came home late last night and we were snuggling and it was so beautiful. And I was like, oh, I love it when you come back, baby. You're always so like, I love this. And he's like, that's where I go away, babe. Because I went before he goes away. I'm like, oh, I don't want you to go. I'm going to miss you, you know? And then he comes back and I'm like, oh, this is why we do these things. This is why this is such a priority in our relationship to have weekends away with the men or with my own legs weekend. I'm going to Melbourne with a girlfriend. And it's like because we come back and it just supercharges the relationship. That's what it just increases the polarity and it just starts, yeah. So. - For sure. - For sure. - It's such a great, great practice. So in your What Men Crave talk, you spoke about men wanting less and women wanting more. And I really loved that. I'd love you to expand on what you mean by that for me. - So if somebody is in their masculine, what's most important to them is freedom. And freedom, you know, now most men will chase freedom in these really ineffective ways. They'll chase the myth of freedom is what I call it, right? They think, oh, if I make this much money, then I'll be free. If I finish my book, then I'll be free. If I, you know, if I have this kind of sex or this kind of relationship, then I'll be free. If I go on this vacation, I'll be free. You know, for me, you know, if I go surf by myself for two weeks, I'm under the delusion that somehow that'll make me more free. No, it doesn't work that way. So this men spend their, if you pretty much take a look at any man to your man or, you know, any man that you know, what is driving them in their life is a search for freedom. I live my purpose fully and then I'll be free, right? Now they don't know that most of the time. They don't actually stop and identify that's what they're going for. But what they're really going for is to be free. And, you know, ultimately, what they find after successes and failures and making lots of money and having all kinds of sex is that it doesn't make them feel more free. So the masculine myth is I'll be free when. And the feminine myth is I'll be, they'll be enough love when. Right? They'll be enough love when he shows up or I find the right partner. They'll be enough love when and both of them are myths. So, so men want less because they ultimately, they're looking to be free as consciousness. This is sort of the universal spiritual drive of a masculine being. This is why back in the day, 5,000, 10,000 years ago, men created spiritual practice that led them closer to nothingness, right? There was meditation, there was breath practice, there was, you know, they would remove themselves, men would remove themselves from society to deepen spiritually. And so the masculine just has this natural spiritual draw towards peace. You ask any dude, what any dude he wants in his relationship? There's a energy and peace. That's it. You can break it down to just that. Like I want the right energy at the right time and then I want peace. And, you know, it's pretty fucking simple. Yeah. So, so they really just want that. They want, they want you to be happy and for there to be, you know, love and sweetness and hotness and all of that. And then they want peace. So this desire for the masculine to have less shows up in all kinds of ways, single-minded focus is something you'll hear talked about a lot or, you know, kind of numbing out is a way, is more of a toxic way that men will try to find this peace, you know, phone nothingness by watching TV, you're getting high, you know, but it's all driven by the same thing, which is to have, to be able to exhale and have this moment of peace. That's what I mean by men wanting less. So we're going to want, you know, that doesn't mean that we don't have feminists too. Like, we don't like to party. We don't, you know, we like to be out there and go listen to music, right? But in our masculine and the more masculine identified we are, the more driven by purpose and nothingness we become. That meant, right? If for someone in their feminine, like that certainly is not the going off and like, and sitting on a rock on a mountain for somebody in their feminine, certainly isn't their idea of this kind, right? - No. - You know what I mean? - You have any vacations planned like that? No, no, you're going to go with a girlfriend to Melbourne and you don't have fun, right? - Definitely. - So, it's just like, you know, that the more feminine identified a human being is and again, this could be man or woman, but normally there's some gender alignment. The more feminine identified you are, the more you're going to want to just experience everything that life has to give, like more sex and more love and more great food and more friendship and more, you know, everything. Like that's how, that's how your heart is filled. And that, from person in their masculine, it's not that way. Yeah, yeah, um, I'm coming up for me, yeah, no subject. I just want to make sure that helps clarify it. Really helps clarify. It's awesome. And what's coming up for me is it's feeling of, um, with the love for me, it's like always wanting more. So never like my partner nicks like, it's never, what am I trying to say? I'm always wanting more love. Like there's never a point where I'm like, oh, I finally feel like I'm loved enough or I'm like, there's enough love in my life. You know, we can make love to me all day long. And then, you know, we can have the most beautiful weekend. And I'm like, oh, I just want more. I want more. I want more. I want more. Is that a natural thing? Do you feel? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And so many, yes, it's totally natural when you're in your feminine. Right. So the more you're in your feminine, and you practice a lot, obviously, and it's part of your life, right? You practice other women. You practice. It's part of your work. And so it would be highly unlikely for you to be, I mean, I know you have some masculine capacity and creating a business and a big platform and all that. But in your practice, it's about your feminine, I would imagine. And so, yeah, in that state, you, you want more. And you want more love and more. It's not like he's going to now, he wants more that the way you feel about love is the way he feels about freedom. Yeah, yeah, never enough freedom, right? There's never enough, like time or space or not that he doesn't love you, not that he doesn't want to make love and have all the right. Then it'll be, then they'll be freedom afterwards. Then you'll be happy and filled with bliss. And maybe he ejaculates better than he's ever. You know, I mean, there'll be sexual desire released. And then he'll be free to just relax and be. And so the trick for, you know, going back to the beginning of our conversation, what men crave is, what men crave is for you to express that desire for always wanting more through your body as a revealing. So, if you went to Nick and you were like, let's say he's on the couch watching, I don't know, rugby. So he's watching the surfing and you like kneel at his feet and you let him see through your eyes just like how, how this yearning for more still lives in you and you look at him and you're, you know, maybe you rub his legs or his thighs and you just let, you just let that yearning for more to express through your body. At the very least, it's going to feel really good to him. But quite often, it will be more interesting than surfing. Yeah. Yeah. Quite often, if you stay with it, you know, I know it's talking 30 seconds, but maybe a minute or two, a couple minutes and you just really, you know, now if you combine that with devotion to who he is as a man and what he brings to your life and how hard he works and what he tries to do in the world and you're actually giving devotion at the same time. Eventually, sometimes it doesn't take very long. Surfing will be much less interesting than diving into that. Yeah. Yeah. So that's what meant great. Rather than what they normally get, which is you don't love me enough. Some version of that. Yeah. Yeah. You aren't loving me the right way or you don't love me enough or you're not here enough or you're not paying enough attention to me. Those are all just different versions of it. You're not loving me that. Yeah. Yeah. And I think with that, like what you're talking about, where if I were to kneel before him and just really express through my body, would you, I know you would agree with this, that it needs to be in body that can't be like a performance for those women listening who like, you can't just get down and like pretend like, oh, this is what Jon said to do. I'm doing it. It can't, it's like, I think it takes as a woman being with other women and really practicing being in our feminine to be able to embody that to agree. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, because most, most women have not touched the depth of their yearning. They actually haven't acknowledged it in their own hearts. So if, you know, they've, they've been told it's wrong or they've been shamed for it or they've tried to give it and the men didn't know what to do with it or, you know, it was, it was, it was shamed or made wrong in some way. And so a lot of women will not do their own deep yogic work yoga because there's a yoga to this, right? Like the drop into your heart and let your body express the yearning of your heart, which is ageless. Yeah. Right. Through your body, through your fingertips, through your eyes, through your pussy, through your, you know, through your mouth, through the way you breathe, through the way you move all of that, for that to come through you is a yoga. It's, it's something that has to be practiced. And then when you do that in front of your partner, it's in you. It's in your nervous system. It's, it's not a performance. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a gift. It's a revealing. Just, just like him, you know, standing fully present, breathing into his belly, his legs are grounded, his eyes are gazing into your eyes, his heart is soft feeling your heart. He's breathing with you, his belly is pressing into you, his, he's feeling through you into the cosmos, right? That's a yoga. Yeah. Most guys don't know how to do that. Yeah. You know, so it's a, it definitely, that's, and that's what we do in workshops is teach people how to do that yoga and then how to reveal and create that, that kind of energetic aura from that place. Mmm. Mmm. Cool. Beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. No performance. Yeah. Definitely in practice. Yeah. So I'm, I've got so much I want to ask you, but I'd like to talk about a personal challenge for me is definitely I'm more in my feminine essence, but with business and work, I drop more into my masculine and I find it hard to find a balance. I find it hard when I've been, so recently I've been working quite hard, I've launched an online course and recording lots of podcasts, etc. And so I've been in this like gold-driven energy, masculine energy and now what I'm finding is I'm finding it hard to go back and drop into the feminine and this is a pattern in my life and what happens in my relationship is then it becomes about less polarity and then both of us are more in our masculine and this has, has come up in a few of my relationships and it always goes back to when I'm really business focused and do you see this is something that's like, can you just talk to that and whether you're seeing that's happening in a lot more these days. Yeah, it's the primary, it's to me it's the primary challenge that women are facing that the modern woman is facing, which is now in the post-feminist era, right? Because your sister's like worked so hard to give you at least the possibility of equality in the workplace. Now you have all this capacity and opportunity to go out and kick ass and then women are actually going to completely out earn men in the next 20 years. So it's not going to take long for y'all to be in fact women under 30 already out earn men, at least in the US. So yeah, your vision and your mission on the planet getting into that requires your masculine and moving out of that requires a return to usually a return to pleasure. So the quickest way to the quickest way to get out of your masculine is to get back in pleasure. Another way to do that and this is this might work in your relationship. I bet Nick would be up to this. If you just came in after work, like let's say you finished work, right, then you get home. Do you know what to do or do you just kind of continue to sort of stay in this kind of quasi-masculine, maybe checking emails, maybe checking social media, maybe do you kind of know what to do when you get off work? What do you mean like know what to do? I mean do you know, do you know like I should spend the evening like let's say you finished this, you know, I mean it's 9 a.m. there now, right? So at the end of the day, when you finish the day, Do you, do you know how you evening should go. No, at the moment, I'm feeling like I'm, I'm, yeah, like I said, like I'm still staying in my masculine with this, like, intention of wanting to be in my feminine, and finding it difficult to just chill the fuck out, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I tell it you, man. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly so many women are going through that and surrendering, okay? Like this, this is, I'll share really personally, you know, we were making love last night and Nick was like, baby, it's okay to select go now. And I just started crying and I was like, fuck, like I realized how much I'm just can't even let go when I've been working so hard, you know, in the bedroom, and I'm sure people listening would relate to that of just like, yeah, so yeah. Yeah, no, and I think it's very, it's very prevalent. And so one of the quickest ways to do that, I mean, you know, one of the quickest ways to do that is to move your body and, you know, create a 20 to 30 minute routine of movement or dance or something that's pleasure driven, right? And to allow yourself, like a transition period, right? Another, but, but in your masculine, you won't want to do that. Yeah, you won't, you won't, you'll be like, no, I need to, I, I need to check this. My mascara wants to look at the to-do list and like, what else is there to tick off? Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you just, yeah, even even later at night, right? I get you. I'm so, so, so what you have to do is surrender it to your man. If you guys, I don't know if you guys live together, not every night, but a few nights a week, right? Where you come home and you're like, "Baby, I have fucking like, if left to my own devices, like, so here's what you would do." You would show up in front of them and you'd say, "I feel stressed, I feel angry, I feel lonely, I feel confused, I feel lost, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel you express, you get non-directional, but which is directional is masculine, language wise, right?" And you get expressive. So you just tell, you reveal how you feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I'm worried or I'm stressed or I'm aching about my, I don't know what to do, what should I do? And you just wait. And you let him tell you what to do. All right, baby. So, I want you to go, you're going to go draw a bath for yourself in the take of 30 minute bath, like candles, I'll help you, I'll set up some music for you, then you're going to come out, and you're going to self-pleasure for 20 minutes, and then you're going to come to me and we're going to snuggle and watch Netflix. Oh, that sounds so good. Not as after you, right? Yeah, right, so you're going to get out of the bed and we're going to make love for this amount of time, or I'm going to pleasure you, or you're going to pleasure me, or whatever it is, but you're giving, or we're going to take a walk together, but you're basically surrendering your consciousness, which has been active all day, to him, and asking him to direct you. Now, of course, you got to get his buy-in, make sure he's up for that, right? Before you started, but, but I imagine he did it. Most guys would love that, would you say, okay, baby, like, all right. Now, if he gives you something, basically what, what tends to happen is you'll do this, and then he'll give you a few things, you'll be, oh, no, not that. You'll start to fight, you'll start to fight it, right? What the fuck am I doing this? Like, you, I told you what I should do and then you're, you know, you're fighting me on it. So you got to, it just adds a, it doesn't really matter if he nails it every time. What matters is that your relinquishing control, as a practice, to reestablish a dynamic of polarity. Yeah, yeah, that's so cool. Just listening to you say that my whole nervous system is more relaxed. Yeah, I'm like, yeah, I want to get home and better have to decide what to do for the rest of the fucking night. Like, baby, tell me what to do. Just tell me what to do. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, some, some, some, some women need, like, you know, some women need, like physical contact, like some women will actually need to be spanked to come out of them to surrender or, you know, come over here, baby, sit on my lap and then he spanks you for three minutes until you finally, like, surrender or something, you know, there's a physical, there's, there's a, there's a surrender component that can happen very easily when you're having sex, like you talked about, but it doesn't have to, you don't have to wait that long. Yeah, yeah, cool. Love that. And that's one of the, one of the things that you mentioned with with what men crave is surrender, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. We call it sacred helplessness because women are so capable, like women are so capable now. And you guys don't need us for shit, really. You have your own kids, you can do, you know, you make your own money, like, you know, the only thing that you need us for truly is, is to take you someplace you can't take yourself. And that part of you, the part of you that doesn't know how to take, go from your masculine to your feminine, it doesn't know how to go from, I need to penetrate the world to go, I need to surrender my heart completely. That part of you is helping is sort of helpless, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. And so if you give that helplessness to him as a gift, it's not weakness. It's actually, it's a, it's a strength. It's like, I'm, I don't know how to do this, maybe like, I need you to help me like, I need your consciousness and your depth and your clarity, like his gift to you is his clarity of consciousness. And so when you give him an opportunity to express that for you, not only will he feel great at the end of it, but you'll feel like you said totally relaxed and yeah, taken and taken care of. Yeah, totally. I guess that's a bit of a say, gives me a segue into the trust, trust, which is a big one. And being able to completely trust that our partner, whether it's a man or woman who identifies him in the masculine, but it's just a man. So being able to trust that our man can take us to these places that we aren't able to take ourselves and and then just trust in every day life. And I know that's something that you mentioned. That's what men want is for women to trust them. And I think that's a huge one that it's actually a big one for me that I'm consistently working on. But I know for a lot of my clients and and it's it's a big one. Can you just talk a little about that? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's really I mean, you know, first of all, it's I think I said this in the talk, but it makes perfect sense that there would be, you know, problems with trust given, you know, what women have had to go through for the last, you know, 100,000 years. And, you know, and not only that, but most men are not conscious. Sounds like you've got a good man. Yeah, the most most men are not, you know, practicing in this realm. And so yeah, it's it's scary as fuck. And it's easy for me to sit here as, you know, as a dude and go, yeah, just trust us. Trust us with your deepest heart, reveal your deepest yearning and just trust we're going to take care of it. I know that that's absolutely ridiculous for me to even assume that I know what that's like. I don't, but I do know what men respond to and I have seen it enough. So the decision to trust, if we start to think about trust rather than something that has to be earned versus a gift that is given, then that sometimes helps loosen it. And so if you say to him, if you go to him and say, baby, I trust you with my heart tonight, I don't know what to do. I'm feeling these things. You have to give him information about like what's bothering you or what's happening or what do you need to send more emails tonight? Like that's information. You might need to have, okay, baby, you can work for 15 minutes, finish these emails. I'll make you a bath and you get in the bath, then you come out, make it and I put oil on you and we make love for an hour and then we go to bed. How's that feel? And then you tell him, oh, that feels great, baby. Or no, I need something else and you let tell him and then he adjusts. So trust is given, but then feedback is also given. Like moment by moment feedback. And if he's off, you can show him. Like, oh, like he says, all right, baby, I want you to, I want you to go on the treadmill for 20 minutes and your body just goes, oh, right? So you would literally show him that. Like, oh, no, no, no, no, not, I don't want to do that. But you just show him. He's like, oh, okay, okay, no treadmill. All right, then you're going to, you know, you're going to put on some music and dance for 15 minutes and then you'll show him, like, ah, yeah, like that's good. So trust gets, trust is given, but then feedback continually, I don't know, helps to redirect when he's off. Yeah. So you're not sitting there powerless, you're just not telling him what to do. You're showing him how it feels. And that's the big distinction that most women miss. Yeah, there's a lot of telling. There's a lot of like, you're not doing it right. Like you said before, no, you're not loving me right. You're not doing it right. You're this. You're like blaming, taming, shaming, rather than yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, versus, I mean, it's the difference, it's the difference between, um, feel the difference. This is a classic one, David uses a lot. Feel the difference between, um, baby, I'm cold, right versus, can you shut the window? Yeah. Right. So if you're just one is, it's the same thing you want the window shut. But one actually creates, one actually will create a dynamic of, of polarity of you revealing and him taking care of you. Yeah. versus the other is you stepping into handling the moment because you don't trust that he'll figure out the window needs to be closed. Yeah, great example. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And it's hard. It's hard for women to be consistently. I'd say it's probably the biggest challenge in relationships for women, bar none. Yeah. I find that, um, because I want, I like to be in control a lot and, you know, in the workplace and my, in my business is where I feel so in control and then in relationship, I don't, when I don't feel in control, I feel uncomfortable. So that's something that I'm working on is like being able to allow myself to just surrender to the mystery, basically, yeah, the unknown. Keep revealing it. Keep revealing it. So the way it becomes a gift is if you, like, try to hide it or make it wrong or not show him, they'll feel that. And it'll occur to him like your heart's closing. But if you just, let's say you're making love and it's getting very deep and you just feel all this fear come up or this vulnerability and you just show him, just through your eyes, like, you know, I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid, just showing him that through your eyes and maybe tears will come or maybe you say, like, I'm scared or I love you so much, I'm so scared. That your, your, the feminine responsibility in a polarized moment is to bring is to reveal her heart and then the masculine responsibility is to ravish it. Yeah. Yeah. So if you keep revealing your heart, you're going to evoke more of his desire to ravish you. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Oh, awesome. Um, we're, I want to wrap up, but one last thing I want to talk about or ask you about, because I think it's a really important one. And I know, um, it's a big one for guys is, um, you speak, you, you speak about men wanting and craving range and different energies, especially in, in bed. Um, can you speak to that briefly? Um, yeah, because I know a lot of guys will identify with this or listen, they'll be like, Oh, yes, that's what I want. And I think it would be great insight for women to hear this from you. That bringing different energy into the bedroom, different energies. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, most of us, and especially I noticed this in women, you know, we have a go to sexually, you know, there's a certain go to energetic that will bring sexually and it'll work. Um, oh, baby, oh, daddy, oh, you know, I mean, it just, it, it, it, it depends, right? There's a certain level of, there's a, a kind of routine that will fall into sexually. Yeah. And, and since, um, since the masculine, what the masculine wants to feel is the nature of all existence through you. So, so he might not, he doesn't only want to feel your angelic side, right? So let's say that you bring only the sweet light energy, all that that should go to, right? The sweet light energy too. Now, he'll, he'll, he'll start to crave more often than not what you're not bringing, which will be sort of darker, sludder, you know, I mean, or, or just darker energy, right? Or the opposite. If all you do is like, you know, talk dirty and bad and get really kind of raunchy in bed, you'll probably crave some angelic light. Yeah. Definitely. And yeah. So, so, there's a combination of those things and feeling what your partner's nervous system craves at any moment, and then being able to bring it through. Like, for example, does he, does he need sunshine through your body? Does he need the energy of wife? Not even though you might not be married, or might not be getting married, but that energy of like, of, of, of like wife or of, you know, I'll be the mother of your child, or that kind of devotional energy. Does he need the energy of volcano? Does he need the energy of, of just flowing water? Does he need the energy of like feeling, just using nature as a way to start? Oh, yeah. Just using nature as a way to start. Does he need soft rain? Does he need, you know, what feeling these things and experimenting with them is often a way that you can really, and then noticing does this open him? Does he, does he moan? Does he breathe deeply? Does he get super turned on? And it's a way that women can experiment bringing different, bringing different parts of nature through their bodies. And that's often a great way to, you know, if I say, you know, when you're, next time you're having sex, like alternate between, you know, sort of wild beast and, um, surrendered angel and, you know, and I mean dark mother and, um, uh, innocent princess, you know, I mean, all of these things, like, and, and if someone's in their masculine, all of these energies will be very nourishing. Yeah. Right? That they want more than just the normal thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. I love that. Awesome. Well, I feel like that's a whole heap of, um, stuff that people to digest and you've spoken about a big, um, yeah, big body of work that I'm sure people will be more interested in learning more about. So if, is there anything you'd like to add before I, um, ask cat people, can I work with you on contact you? Hmm. Let me fill in those. Let me see what I want to add. Um, well, I think the thing that I really, you know, since a lot of you listeners are women, I mean, I think, and I work with men so much, I really want to, I really want to let y'all know that men want to love you well. Hmm. We really do. I mean, I said this in the talk, but I've seen it now for years that, um, men really want, there's nothing better than, you know, leading you, you know, that place we talked about, leading you from this place of kind of closed and tight in your masculine to open and surrendered. Yeah. Our capacity to lead you there. Like, that's one of the greatest, that's one of the best days of our life. If we can do that, you know, it feels great for us. So we want, we, that's how men want to relate with you. And I just want to remind women that, that there's a more often than not, they want to relate with you that way. They just don't know how. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, I, I just, I, I really want your female listeners, especially to, to have faith in that. Yeah. You know, the men want to take care of you. They want to be conscious. They want to fuck you well. They want to love you well. They want to take you deep. They want all those things. Yeah. Beautiful. Hmm. Thank you. Thank you so much. Yeah. Um, should we add? Hmm. If people want to contact you or connect with you, how can they do that? What's your website? What social, uh, yeah, John, John, yeah, John, it's not pretty easy to find. John, J.O.H.N. Wine Land. Wine, like you drink, lands, like you live on. com. And I've got a, I've got a virtual workshop series that I do, which is, which is like a subscription thing that has new content and, and coaching calls and practices from workshops and things like that. It's up on my website now. So it's a nice way for people to be in the work. If they want to, um, and get lots of material, if they want to. Great. And then I can, I can send you Instagram is John Wainland. I'm John underscore Wainland. Facebook is John Wainland. Okay. Cool. Yeah. Great. Yeah. Thank you so much. It's, um, yeah, I've loved listening to you speak and definitely learned to walk myself, which is always a bonus. And, um, yeah, thank you. You're welcome, J.O.H.N. (upbeat music)