What Judges Want- Episode 5- Carrie Lucas

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Every single day I'm still learning how to live with problems, mistakes, relationships, emotions, ever since I was born. This isn't a normal podcast. Everything here is just spontaneous, real, and genuine. Just honest conversations about what it means to be alive. I'm Javier El Chicharito Hernandez and listen to Learning to the Human on I Heart Radio, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. It's Saturday June 6th and right before we walk down the aisle. A lady asked everybody for a little advice about marriage. I'm told we're going to be shocked at the advice she got. And with that welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ. This is one of these that we often do, Robs in which I don't know what you're about to hit me with. But remind folks of where this is coming from and why it became, I guess, of such interest to you. Yes, well, so this ended up on Buzzfeed, one of our favorite places to just basically read what a lot of people are talking about. Sometimes they pluck stuff from Reddit and other group chats, but this was a new one. And it was hilarious and insightful at the same time. A bride to be 24 hours for her wedding, crowdsourced the best marriage advice. And it turned out to be the silliest marriage advice because it wasn't your typical. She was like, don't tell me what everyone always tells you. People who are actually married, who have walked the walk, who have talked the talk. Give me your best go-to's for managing marriage. And she was kind of desperate to get some answers. And I thought some of them were actually hilarious. Someone even wrote and I don't want to get it. But they took it serious. Yeah, they did. Absolutely. But some of what people say works for them was fairly interesting. And some of it was silly. But some of it was actually fascinating. Someone said, your spouse to be is statistically the most person, most likely person, to hurt your feelings for the rest of your life. So it's important to have some silly safeguards in place. I thought that was kind of cool. That was kind of how they set it up. This chat about basically, hey, get ready. You are going to be hurt. There is going to be pain. You are going to have conflict. But with some of these things that we've decided to do as couples, this might help you get through. Okay. All right. So the first bit of advice I want to hear what you think about this. Switch. When you have fights, one of you always yells, switch. And you have to argue the fight from the other person's side. You will end up laughing inside of five minutes every time. Yeah, that's not happening. Yeah. Can you imagine in the middle of like a heated fight where emotional, like someone yells, switch. Yeah. And you have to take on the side of your partner. And all your partner is going through here is bitch. Come out. No, no, no, no, I said switch. I said switch. Yeah, this is okay. If that works for somebody, please send me the hidden camera video of that working. I think you have to have a certain kind of relationship. And I think it depends on the kind of fight you're having. But if you're actually having something that isn't that deep. So imagine, say we're arguing over where we're going to lunch. Say it's even, and you're thinking like, damn, this is getting a little more heated than I wanted it to. I think in that kind of a fight, you could yell, switch. And then you could have some fun with it. And immediately. That's the recognition that this is a stupid fight in the first place. Yes. Okay. I think obviously it's really serious fights where you're having like fights about like serious parts of your marriage that aren't working. Who you had dinner with last night? Switch. No. Okay. Right. No, I think it has to be kind of one of those fights that are like silly fights that actually could spiral and take you into a place you don't want to go. There's a very big caveat then on that first one. Right. Remember how we used to say we haven't really ever used it. But we used to, we made a joke. We had a little code word called steely dan. Dan Steely. And basically, anytime if a conversation started to go sideways, that would be like the recognition, the white flag. Hey, we're going off the rails here. So ridiculous. But that was a very, the name of the band is steely dan. Steely dan. Okay. So I think we were on a boat at the time that this was happening, having a conversation. Who misspoke was it me or whether you? I can't. Oh, you called it. You didn't, you couldn't remember the name of the band. And I said dan steely. And I started laughing so hard. And you said, hey, when things are starting to get crazy, we say dan steely. And it worked for all of them. It did. Dan Steely. It's a little bit like switch kind of sort of. Anyway, I thought it was clever. I had never heard of that before. I thought it was funny. For anyone listening, that could totally work for you. Don't think you would work for us in a heated moment. But if it works for you, I think that's a nice thing. Humor always helps. Period. It does. All right. I'm kind of teasing head to one of the other bits of advice. Okay. Number two, I like this one. And we have done this. Grump warnings. Literally the best thing we ever started doing was grump warnings. Irrational bad moods take hold sometimes of everyone. And giving each other a heads up made us way more patient and compassionate with each other. Yeah. Oh yeah. I think that's great advice. You can't. I mean, it. You can stop and explain and do all kinds of and look for a little compassion. But the sometimes the shortest way to say it is, hey, coming in hot. Yeah. Coming in hot. That's all I could tell you. And you can just say, hey, today's not my day. I'm in a low vibration mood today. It has nothing to do with you. I love you. Please, please, please, please. Don't get offended. But I'm probably not going to be my best self today. And that does give somebody a different frame of reference. And you start like showing compassion and empathy for that person versus spiraling thinking, what did I do? Why is he mad at me? What's happening right now? That's super, super helpful. Okay. I like them. Because there are a lot of variations and takes on that. And I'm like, today Satan, somebody and I, ooh, I get it. Yes. A little heads up is cool. They don't have to find out the hard way. Yes, I appreciate it. And you stop them from worrying that it's something they did. I appreciate that. Okay, so this is kind of like our, our, I always get, no, it's Dan Stealey. Dan Stealey. So the other bit of advice was code words, but in different ways. Okay. Have funny code words for things in public. Like when I'm ready to leave, I say strawberry shake. Once we left a birthday party at a bar and my friend texted me, I was wondering where you went. And somebody said you guys left to get a shake. And that just made them crack up, but they actually have code words. Okay. If I don't know this person's name or if I want to leave early, we just have something we can say to each other that only we know. And we can communicate in public in a way where we're a team and we're on the same page. Yeah. I love that. We absolutely sometimes people just have a look. You can look at each other certain way. You know what's going on. I guess something we do a lot because we see people trip a lot and fall a lot. And I'll just say still got it. Still got it. And I'll know that that means somebody just tripped in your radius. And I'm upset that I missed it. But most often I don't. And we see people trip by say at least once a day. Oh my god. Even on TV, we were watching a commercial for a a drug and these two holding hands walking on the beach. And the one guy absolutely tripped why they didn't do another take or why they didn't see it. But it was subtle. But you and I died laughing. But this is what we do. But they and someone else was saying this isn't what I included that it as you develop your relationship in your married, it is cool to kind of have your own language. That it's all about being a team and feeling like you've got each other's back and you're together. And just when you have code words or phrases or a language maybe that only the two of you speak, it might sound silly and not a big deal. But it actually has incredible roots. It brings you together in ways that only the two of you know. And that builds towards this idea of just connection and companionship. Alright, I want to hear what you think about this one. This one was called crash nights. Crash nights. My husband and I have regular crash nights after a particularly full or extroverted weekend. We will give each other a big ol' kiss and say, "I love you. See you tomorrow." And sleep in different bedrooms and fully get to refill our introverted cups on our own. We watch our own show. We order our own takeout food and sit in the same house in different rooms and most importantly, and she put this in all caps, do not speak to each other. It's amazing. Wow. That's okay. Okay. That one threw me in. Your reaction? Okay. I have it on from a serious side and I'm just part of me is just bubbling up inside. I just want to laugh out loud. But Robes it, I would be offended that when things get toughest for you, you want to be away from me. To the point we need rules that we can't even speak. That is tough. You would want to think, "I want to share that with you and I want you to feel welcome to share that." So that is my first question about it. Do they stick to that serious of a stricter of a routine? Well, we can't have a meal to get. What was the first part when you have a particularly bad day? Full or extraverted weekend. So they've just been running and gunning and like doing a bunch of stuff and they're both exhausted. But to me, that's when I love curling up on the couch with you and picking a movie together and eating takeout together. So look, I don't want to judge anyone else's relationship. But my first thought was I would be so rejected because that's exactly the moment I'm so happy that I've got you because we're like finally able to breathe and not have to be on and perform and shake hands and engage and talk. We can just be us and we don't have to speak to each other actually. But to have a rule that you go into separate bedrooms and orders. Honestly, the separate takeout and do not speak to each other really, really through me. Did it say they're on the same, it's an agreement, right? That they have. Yeah, they're in agreement. They live in the same home. Look, I know people speak all the time about how they will just shout from the rooftops, how great separate bedrooms are. But they just say this one like after they have a very full weekend, maybe it's a Sunday. It kind of sounded like they had a big Friday and Saturday night. So Sundays, see you Monday. Yeah, dates. I'm gonna say, people need that space, need time to themselves. Okay, but I just sound so extreme. Don't talk to me today. We're not eating together. Do not contact me via text. Right? Yes. No, it was in all caps. We do. Maybe they text, but it says do not speak to each other. Damn, man. Okay. All right, when we come back, we're going to go through our last three relationship, I guess marriage advice coming from folks who are married and this is considered silly advice, but I think some of this might resonate with a lot of us. Number one hits. Awards sold out tours. You think that Jonas Brothers are satisfied? No. It's podcast time. We asked other people questions because we're sick and tired of being asked questions. Paul Rudd. Can you tell you not to audition the office or something? I told him. Listen to Hey Jonas on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Why is everyone obsessed with romance right now? Like everyone. Your coworker who quote unquote doesn't read is reading romance. Your mom, book talk, the entire internet. I'm Sajana Basker. I'm Tyler McColle and this is Radio 831, a romance podcast. The books, the tropes, the adaptations, the drama, the discourse. And what all of it says about how we actually love, yarn, and obsess. We're going to weathering heights. Which, for the record, is not a romance novel and yet it has hunted the romance genre for 200 years. We're getting into dark romance, age gaps, certain Russian hockey players and sentient objects in love, which is a thing. That's the kind of conversation we're having every episode. Listen to the Radio 831 podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is Saigon, the story of my family and of the country that shaped us. The United States will not stand by and allow any power however great. Take over another country. From iHeart Podcast, Saigon. Please allow me to introduce Joseph Sharman. You don't think I'm serious about a free Vietnam? I should stop talking so much. I like hearing you talk. One city, a divided country, and the war that tore America apart. This for Vietnam. I've taken a hit from Japanese ground fire. Do you read me? They're pouring petrol all over him. He's holding matches. I'm on a landmine. For freedom, let's get out freedom, bomb it now. Saigon, starring Kelly Marie Tran and Rob Benedict. Staying here's madness. The world should hear about this. There's a fire coming to this country and it's going to burn out everything. Listen to Saigon on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. But did black music, food and culture teach us about who we were becoming? Plane 16 was sort of that last era of monoculture where we still consumed things in community. From Beyoncé and Rihanna, everybody wanted to be Beyoncé. I don't think we'll ever see another Rihanna. To soul food, memory, identity, and the stories we carry through black culture. What does it mean to be black and eat in America? So we were this group of people who knew how to work the land, who knew how to live with the land. We make it do what it do. Therapy for Black Girls is bringing together the conversation shaping Black life right now. You will never make me feel bad for being a black girl, for being a black American girl ever. Therapy for Black Girls is bringing it all to the mic. Listen to therapy for Black Girls on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey there everybody, we're continuing our conversation about some strange yet insightful and certainly silly marital advice given to a bride 24 hours before she walked down the aisle. This is what I guess this is what young folks do these days. They crowd source. It's kind of cool to have an immediate peanut gallery or a community that can weigh in and give you some ideas and some thoughts that you hadn't considered before. And she was a little bit of a nervous bride and she was just wanting to basically, I think she described it as wanting to take a like a crash course before she took the test. Like she just wanted to make sure she had as much information as she possibly could before she ended up walking down the aisle. And so look, you had a bunch of married folks weigh in and jump in with some pretty interesting bits of advice and not the typical stuff, not the stuff you always hear from experts or therapists. The next one, fight by text. This was advice from one married couple saying we fight by text. It makes us think a bit more about our words. I do think sometimes you can resolve things in written word much better than you can when you're emotional and speaking and perhaps not thinking as clearly. My question, where are they as they're texting each other? Probably at work. Let's be honest. Okay, I don't know in the same room because I would love to fight with you sitting right next to you texting. That would be a blast. We should should we try it? We're not saying anything but then the problem would be I would keep slamming every time I good done with the sentence. We should be different rooms then. Yeah, maybe with our different takeout. We have. With our different movies. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're still eating together tonight. But I don't know how that, yes, I suppose because then there's not a motion. There's nothing to read behind the look of the face or the term. So yes, but how difficult is it to express yourself calmly? Right? Because some of the worst stuff's ever been said to me came via text. Wow. Really? Yes. People say all those nothing stops you from saying something awful just because I got to type it out. I feel like, well, I maybe it's just another beat that you take when you have to type it out and then you have to see it and read it and know that it's not going away. You know, when you say something and you'll say to me, baby, I never said that or you just made that up or that's not what I said. Half of most fights actually have several of those sprinkled in. If you have a text, there is no refuting what the person said. I actually appreciate it sometimes. I think I understand what they're saying. I don't think all that's not possible to always do that. But maybe if things are, if you're not getting through, if emotion is too high, if shouting and if you start shouting and it might be a good idea, take a beat and finish the argument via text and see how it goes and then come back together. I mean, you're going to have to talk about it face to face. This is about to be a game changer for this relationship. I refuse to fight with you face to face anymore. It's got to be via text. Really? It's going to be great because I never have to do that thing again. No, babe, that's not what you said. I don't have it. Eva. That's - That's true. - Ever. - Do that again. - That is absolutely true. Then takes that whole part of it out. And I will fully admit that I'm somebody who remembers things by how I felt versus by what I said. That is I will fully cop to that. - That's my text. - All right, the next bit of advice involves humor. And I do think that that's always, always, a good bit of advice because you need a lot of it in marriage or at least in any committed relationship. So the advice is, no matter, this reminds me a little bit of you. No matter what the item is or how long it's been lost, my husband always asks, have you checked your butt? And I'm sorry to say, I laugh every time. So I do think that's cute. Like you get stressed out, right? You can't find something like, where are my keys? And if you, someone just shouts out, have you checked your butt? It is funny. And suddenly the stress of not being able to find something is whittled away. And I feel like you do this. - I just, you have to. - I just kind of think that little things I say to you. - I was trying to do this too. - Yeah. - But you have your go-to's that you always say, and I know you're gonna say them and it's funny. And when you can say it in a stressful moment, it actually takes the temperature down so much. - That you're my best beauty, but that's the lesson. - Yes, that's the big thing. - The eye-farted thing. I don't know where I got that. - Every time I say, God, what smells so good, you say, I farted. (laughing) And it's only when I say something smells good. Like, wow, I love the way it smells in here. (laughing) I farted. I laugh every time. Yes, that is something you say. And yes, and he makes a line from 90 days beyond say, no matter where we are. And I probably say this at least twice a day. Oh my God, it's so beautiful because I'm looking at the Hudson, or I'm looking at a moon, or I'm looking at a rainbow, or just a pretty view, or a gorgeous restaurant. You say, you're my best view. And I always laugh. - Thank you, fall for it every time. Like, you don't see this coming ever. - I don't, and then it, but so yes, so that, that was a good one. Have you checked your butt? - I checked your butt. - Isn't that cute? I mean, that was like my favorite little bit of advice. - I was thinking when you're stressed about something, how do I relieve that? Like when you're actually, it had to be something petty. Finding the keys, we're gonna find the keys. It had to be something small that drives you crazy often. You can't find your glasses a lot, I don't know how. - Concealing. - Although now I have my bifocal contacts. - Man, that is a big admission, you just made it publicly. No one knows, you can't tell, I just admitted it. Okay, this next one, speaking of humor. Okay, I just can't, I wish I had a camera on you right now because you're gonna make a face. - Come on. - Party hats. - Party hats. - Where party hats, every time you have to have a hard conversation. (laughing) - Go to the next one. That's come on y'all. - I thought that was adorable, just the idea. Let's keep some humor, let's remember that we're here to have fun and enjoy our lives. And yes, we might be having hard conversation, but I'm looking at you in that party hat, and it just keeps the perspective going. I loved it. I know it's probably not practical, and no one's actually gonna do it, but maybe even just envision a party hat. On top of the person you're talking to if you're angry or you're upset. - They're using party hat, but I mean, I rolled up my eyes at it, but it's making a larger point. That could be sitting at a particular table and putting your stuff pig in the middle of the table. Something that just throws you off and keeps things a little in perspective or a little lighter that's right there in view. The point is well taken, I'd just say that. - I thought it was a funny way to make a very clever point, which is please keep the perspective that we're, like let's just, we're all human, we all are trying to enjoy our lives, and yeah, this is hard, but just remember that there is still fun. I love that. Okay, and the last one, I liked it 'cause it flies in the face of what we always hear people give advice for. We've talked about this in our love story series. We've interviewed couples over the last couple of years who've stayed together through thick and thin, coming in from very different points of view, but everyone always seems to disagree about this, but we hear licensed marriage therapists say, never go to bed angry. So this bit of advice was this, and I thought this was hilarious and it landed. Everyone will tell you don't go to bed mad. That is absolute bullshit. You know what sucks most at a conflict resolution? People who have been up all night. (laughing) Sleep on it. Let cooler heads prevail. Basically saying don't even try not to go to bed angry. You're gonna end up being up all night, damn night long, and you're gonna be miserable, even more so the next day. - 'Cause that fight's happening when, at the end of the day, at the end of a long day of work, at the end of a long night, probably after you've eaten, probably after you've had a drink or two. - But the kids to be. - Who knows, this is the last time to be having a fight. Obviously, that's the case. Robes, there are so many fights that can get resolved if we just go to sleep, wake up in the morning of damn, that was stupid, that was on me, my bad. - Yep. - You just get some rest. - It perspective, the morning offers so much more perspective than any extra 10 minutes or an hour at night well. Like the damage that's done in those extra minutes at night can be completely avoided if you just wait for the perspective that morning brings. I do believe that. - Let's go. - All right, well, hey, I hope for anyone entering into marriage, thinking about marriage or in a marriage, that some of these really cool, unconventional bits of wisdom, hard earned bits of wisdom may help. It certainly did me. I thought it was fun to hear, and I thought it was cool that this bride was like, "Hey y'all, can you help me out?" Before I walked on the aisle, what do I actually need to know? Very cool stuff. All right, with that everyone, thank you for listening to us, as always, I'm Amy Robock. Alongside TJ Holmes, we'll talk soon. - Hey guys, it's us, the Jonas Brothers, I'm Joe. - I'm Kevin. - And I'm Nick, and guess what? - We created our own podcast called, "Hey Jonas, we invented a podcast." - Well, we didn't invent it. We just contributed to it. - We're the first people to do podcasts. - We get to ask other people questions 'cause we're sick and tired of being asked questions. - Well, sick and tired is a strong way to put it, but you know, tired and sick, tired and sick. Listen to, "Hey Jonas, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts." Just listen, we don't care where you hear it. - Hey everyone, this is Teddy Malin Cam. - And Tamra Judge from Two Teas and a Pod. - There's been one scandal that's consumed our lives these last couple of months. - We're recapping the three parts Summer House reunion, and as always, we're being brutally honest. - We're dissecting timelines, receipts, blind items, and previous episodes. - Amanda and Wes, watch out. We're not getting to the easy on you. Listen to Two Teas and a Pod on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. - I actually dropped better when I'm high. It heightens my senses, calms me down. If anything, I'm more careful. Honestly, it just helps me focus. - That's probably what the driver who killed a four year old told himself. And now he's in prison. You see, no matter what you tell yourself, if you feel different, you drive different. So if you're high, just don't drive. Brought to you by Nizza and the ad council. - Everyone sees me as a food operator, but before anything else, I'm human. Every single day, I'm still learning how to live with problems, mistakes, relationships, emotions, ever since I was born. I'm Javier El Chicharito Hernandez, and listen to learning to be human on iHeart Radio, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. - This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human.