What is Emotional Intimacy, Really? and How to Create More of It

Hello and welcome to the Empower Couples podcast where here you get modern, non-boring relationship advice for you and your partner to communicate like Bros, fights smarter and stay on the same team no matter the challenge that you face, I am one of your host, Aaron Freeman. And I'm Jocelyn Freeman but you'll just know it says The Freeman's. And this episode is about what is emotional intimacy really and how do we create more of it? It's a topic that really does come up a lot in our private sessions in DMs and actually even ran into someone at an event and they said I've been following your content and one of the things that's been most helpful in our marriage is being able to talk about what emotional intimacy is because it can feel like this thing you know you want but you struggle to describe it to your partner and depending on what you or your partner's experience was growing up it could feel like a foreign concept you know because perhaps that wasn't the environment that your family really created it was like get things done, get good grades you know listen beyond time and you know just much more focused on the doing rather than the being and the energy between all of you. The atmosphere and some of the particular actions you can take so one of the main points here today is that we know that you love each other and you can love each other deeply and as we've covered in the past there are various layers and levels of what love is one of them being commitment. So you can feel very committed to each other being there for each other and not necessarily feeling connected or close in the day to day you have built a life together. So you have this sense of loyalty and commitment you know you're doing your best to manage tasks and keep things together and play your role but you can still feel distant. You talk every day you say words you communicate you have conversations but they can be about the tasks and logistics like who's picking up the kids what's for dinner when our bills do and what else needs to be done to manage this life together. So you're communicating you could say but not connecting. So you share a home space possessions but what you're not really doing is sharing your inner worlds and that's really where the emotional intimacy comes in because you have to keep the emotional intimacy the connection the closeness alive because if you do all those things without it you actually start to feel less connected more distant that's when you start to get into little reactions that can turn into conflicts there's less tolerance for mistakes that's where division starts to come in. So the thing is with a marriage along your together you can't just do the functioning things without focusing on this emotional intimacy and really creating like you said the atmosphere for that to be very present. Now before we define emotional intimacy for you and give you five specific ways to create more of it I want to add just two more points to what you just said. I think the additional thing to remember is that your marriage really is a special relationship. It's different than you know just co-worker interactions where you're you know committed to some mission and you're getting things done and you want to get along. It's also different than family relationships or even friends that you're close to. There's something so much more I think special and like you want your marriage to be this place you come back to and you're like oh my gosh you're my safety person right you are this person I come back to even when the world is harsh even when I'm trying to show up and be strong everywhere else in the world we come back to each other and we just get to feel seen and known and loved and that we can be vulnerable and I know I'm putting some key words in here that are going to be coming up in our definition but just remember that is one aspect of marriage that makes it a unique relationship. It's not just that you share finances. It's not just that many of you choose to have kids like we do so you procreate it. It's not just that you are physically intimate with them. There's also an emotional intimacy aspect that is so much deeper than any other relationship. I also want to make sure that you remember too that intimacy and the presence of emotional intimacy is required for most partners to want physical intimacy so if you're hearing this episode and you're like okay Freeman's but I want some more physical intimacy right I want more touch I want more affection I want more time in the bedroom getting it on well this topic needs to be important to you then because most partners need it they need emotional intimacy in order to desire more of that physical intimacy. Now with that said let's give you a definition and remember this and also we hope both of you are listening so you can even take this definition further for yourselves. So emotional intimacy the way we would describe it is the felt experience of being seen understood close accepted and safe with your partner. It is a felt experience. It's not a logical thing you can't go through a checklist necessarily and say well my partner does this so shouldn't I feel emotionally close it really is a felt experience. For example I know when Aaron and I have been in seasons where we're ignoring the next steps we're about to tell you I really do feel almost like this invisible wall between us whereas when we are doing the things that we're about to tell you about it's like this it's truly such a blissful experience I want to know how you would describe it Aaron but it really is like everything is going to be okay right I've got this person that I am close to we can conquer anything and it feels like my body can relax how would you describe the felt experience. I'm different for sure blissful I wouldn't have described it that way necessarily but it's I think it's lighter it's more playful it's joyful things are feel more natural they're free flowing obviously grace is there and it just leads to a place where you then notice the additional effort and action your partner is then taking so it really is a place in which I think action derives from and I know we all can notice the actions but again that usually comes from that we have the emotional closeness or the emotional intimacy as we're saying here. So it's created when both partners are sharing their real thoughts feelings needs fears and hopes and that you respond to each other with empathy curiosity and care so yes this can include deep talks but it's not only that and it's not just the grand gestures it's not just well I planned us this incredible vacation and it's super you know sexy and romantic that's not happening every single week and it also isn't just we never fight right it's not just the absence of conflict in fact we would argue pun intended that when you are avoiding conflict you're also avoiding intimacy because here's the thing it's not real then you need authenticity between you two which means the real stuff is present you're really hearing each other as opposed to avoidance and arguing is kind of that invisible wall like I know there's this thing in the room this elephant that we're not discussing because we don't want to argue that's going to block your connection. Now Aaron's going to explain something really powerful called the social penetration theory and these layers of intimacy that I think are really powerful I do want to mention just in case you get distracted and you did hop off this episode that our special edition 30 day couples challenge called the best of us which by the way is the only challenge that we have focused on really reigniting that spark between you two that playfulness that joy and really a sense of intimacy emotionally and physically so this is my favorite challenge of all three of our challenges and we only open it up three times a year the testimonials blow me away like I did not even know how good it was going to be when we created the impact has been so incredible and marriages so go to my couples challenge calm slash best because you're going to get signed up you're going to start off the new year with this challenge really begin that new year on a great note so again go to my couples challenge calm slash best and sign up while you can and then I'd be remiss if I didn't find the opportunity to root this in a psychological framework and this social penetration theory I'm just going to do a short summary of it just a great model to start from and this is really a model about social relationships in general and that they sort of start or can be at the superficial level and then so think of concentric circles with an outer circle going towards more smaller circles in the middle and that it being a representation of how close moving to a level of intimate that relationship can be now most relationships start at a superficial level similarities things you have in common and then you want to start to move towards deeper levels of what we'd say intimacy now obviously we're talking about marriage and your romantic partner so that's different level of emotional intimacy then a closeness you would have with a friend however it's really important to know that whatever the relationship you do need to start to move through these outer layers of superficial down into being more about your personal self because you could strike a friendship and it's based on similarity if it stays there for years I promise you that relationship will fade because you'll feel that it's the same conversation or it's only about sports it's superficial and I believe all human beings want connection now other relationships how you define that connection is going to be different so let's bring it back to the marriage you do need to move through these layers now I want to talk about four layers so let's go with the most outer this is the surface level talk that you have between you and your partner so this is going to be a part of a marriage you're going to talk about hey how is your day what time is practice and is lunch made for the kids and us so you're going to have these superficial kinds of conversations that's going to be a part of it but the question we want you to answer for yourself is what percent do you stay in each of these layers so superficial is kind of more obvious let's move down to layer two this is where you get into logistics and functioning about your tasks about life management and we can just say opinions about those logistics and functioning and the longer couples are together the more they end up defaulting to this layer so most couples end up in this layer 90 percent of the time where you just talk about the logistics and functioning hey when you grow trees can you grab the kids I think our kid needs a tutor it's really just now talking about all the things that you're managing together in your shared life yeah I think you might share your logical opinions on things and you might be throwing around facts with each other this is where you can even get stuck in this like power struggle or arguments over these details let's go to layer three which you have defined here as values and meaning well I'll just add in this the second layer first is yeah there's just a lot of social conversations too you can have commentary about the things that you're observing the news whether it's on social media or news or a conversation you have with your friend maybe something that happened at work but you're still in these logistical functioning layer or just conversations that are describing what you saw or what you did so this will make even more sense as we move to layer three where you do start to talk about and reveal and discover with each other values and meaning now this is certainly going a layer deeper I want to preface here that this can still partly be intellectual and that's where I want to make this differentiation from the final layer layer layer four so values and meaning so this is where you start to talk about though you brought up something at work or with a friend again that's fine but you would say hey here's why this is important or why this matters to me you might comment about your family I want our family to feel calmer more connected that we're a priority for each other you might say hey I'm overwhelmed and I need help or say that there's just something that's that's weighing on me or I realize that I'm not feeling as satisfied and that's because I think we need to rearrange some of our priorities and what we value I think we spend too much time on our phones and I want to be more connected so you're starting to reveal more about yourself here your values what things mean to you their importance and again at a certain level this can be just intellectual but you can see how you're taking this deeper from the logistics or just the superficial and really this can happen in just about every topic right like we will notice in sessions with couples where they start to discuss these things right they we get them out of arguing about stuff and we get them into communicating about whether it be finances parenting issues in laws and yes there's like this it's a good conversation to be like okay we're we're hearing each other out we're talking about you know the intellectual what we want for kids how we want a parent similarly what changes we're gonna make to finances but like you said this can still stay about thoughts there can still be a layer missing a vulnerability and there's this beautiful moment where we see couples this is again why we define it as a felt experience because we will see something change in their facial expression in their body language like their hearts I know that might sound very abstract but like this heart connection when they go to this fourth layer and that's what layer 4 is feelings fears vulnerabilities and it's really getting into you revealing and sharing your heart which I mean as the word has in the title it's it's vulnerable it's something that you can be unsure how it's going to be received you might feel shame or embarrassment about it you might feel kind of small or an adequate to bring this up but this is the layer you have to get to this is where emotional intimacy is when we said the beginning that intimacy had to do with understanding and feeling accepted this is it and you almost have to risk not being accepted because how else can your partner show up that hey it's safe to be vulnerable you can feel shame and embarrassment and guilt and yet I won't judge you I'll be a safe place for you to share and be held so you have to get to this layer and again risk your partner's responses because that really is where trust is ultimately built and so you might say anything from hey I'm scared that I'm failing in this area I feel lonely I really miss us and how we used to be connected I'm feeling inadequate or I feel uneasy and I need some reassurance I feel disconnected and so you know even though I'm sharing a lot of like kind of the negative feelings one thing to take away is if that's what's going on inside you have to be sharing that otherwise you're not going to feel as if your partner truly understands or knows you so it's about being seen in your inner world and I don't want to leave this out but then certainly you being seen underhood understood and expressed in also your joy your excitement and your enthusiasm I heard Brunei Brown talk about two weeks ago how vulnerable expressing your own joy actually is so there might be for another topic but this is layer four your feelings your fears and your vulnerabilities as you really share your inner most world your heart I want to give an example showing the distinction between layer three and four from a recent session so just using the topic of parenting think about your topic in mind where you want to practice this but one spouse in this case it was the husband he was at first at layer three saying look I want us to get more aligned on how we parent especially when our kids are having difficult feelings I feel like we need a new strategy when you know they're wanting you and they're you know walking away from me and so they're again it's kind of intellectual it's like okay all right you're sharing your values you're sharing what you want this is good but then there was this moment where we invited him to go a layer deeper and this is the powerful thing he said he revealed he said my greatest fear is that if I don't build a connection with the kids even when they're having a hard time they will either resent me or not like me be distant from me like I am with my dad and that's put me paraphrasing the way he said it but you know his eyes got a little watery and she was like wow like thank you for saying that that gives me so much more insight into why you know you're so passionate about this and why you you know you keep kind of bringing it up and get frustrated and even why we've argued about parenting and so that's again he got vulnerable he got deep and so think again about the topic for you what would going to that layer for look like in that and then the question again is about being honest what percent of the time do you exist in each layer and my guess is a lot of people would find themselves 90% in layer one and two only getting a three and four you know small percent of the time and so it's also not that you spend all of your time in three and four but it should be a large percent of the time so if you're finding that you're feeling distant disconnected division that's a sign that your emotional intimacy has probably faded a bit and that you're going to want to spend more time in layer three and four which we want to give you now some steps to actually build those layers so the first one is it seems obvious but you have to give your attention and presence rather than just giving these default responses of solutions so emotional intimacy it really starts with presence so you can't be on your phone can't be overly distracted looking at other things partly doing work partly watching a game while you're listening yeah you're looking at the screen partly parenting right so you don't really build emotional intimacy and closeness without the presence being on each other because it requires making eye contact really slowing your energy down it's hard to build emotional intimacy when you're dysregulated you're trying to show your partner that hey I'm here with you I'm present I'm ready to listen you're a priority well you put here to a really important word which is like being attuned right so when you really are present in the room not just your body but your consciousness right your focus your attention then you're going to notice subtle changes to your partner's body language to their facial expression and so rather than just kind of quickly reacting to their tone and now you're arguing about that you might be like oh wow I wonder what's going on for them and so then you check in so that presence is so key and I want to just underline that quick point you made about the devices because I've been guilty I think you and I have both noticed where we can almost like both noticed about your phone uses both of us I mean we can be writing on the computer on our phones and like having kind of partial conversations but once you know if it's about functional things can you get by sure hey can you pick up milk and you're like looking at your device all right that's not going to be a make it a break it thing but if you're trying to open up to each other and one of you's like looking at the screen to watch whatever's on there you're not going to be able to have that heart connection so it really is important let's go to the second thing that you can focus on to create more emotional intimacy and that is focus on empathy before logic now we talked a lot about this on many episodes because it is so easy to forget when your partner is sharing something even if their delivery is imperfect being able to connect with their emotion and even label it right even just say you know hey I can really sense you're frustrated or hey I really do understand why that you know is really getting to you and it's frustrating like helping label it is just really powerful before you jump in to what all you have to do is dot dot dot or I don't know seems like you're making a big deal of it how about you just fill in the blank you're meeting with them with logic so then both of you are going to stay in your minds instead of connecting to emotion so some phrases could be hey I get why that would feel disappointing that makes sense thanks for sharing that with me when you meet each other there with these phrases it helps you both feel emotionally safe and what is going to block your connection the fastest shutting each other down or being harsh or always giving a rational explanation you know when they're trying to be vulnerable that is going to have you not feel emotionally safe and that's not just a female thing we hear men say that as well hmm let's do number three here because this is an important one for me specifically and this is that you need to share your inner world also so when we said consider the percent of time you and your partner spend in each of the layers one through four now you have to consider okay let's say we do exist in layers three and four together like 40% of the time it's like okay you can't just be a listener you have to be a speaker a shareer someone that is revealing their own inner world so even if you feel that you and your partner exist at layer three and four 40% of the time what percent of that is your partner sharing versus you and that could be a real eye opener that oh well yeah I pride myself I'm being great listener and so like 90% of the time it's my partner sharing with me that's fine that can have you feel like you understand your partner but this is a marriage and emotional intimacy is reciprocal you have to be willing to share yourself so that means you have to share feelings and fears and your own vulnerabilities now it doesn't have to be 50/50 but if you're really not sharing yourself very much you can't expect your partner to feel very close with you because maybe they only get you know okay yeah my partner is a good listener I don't really know what's going on with them they only share with me layers one and two so I really want maybe the man to consider that I thought for a long time I was doing my part I am a great listener you know I would go to different personal development seminars and you'd have like this sharing with the person next to you and I would get that person to talk the whole time like the share was like oh you're supposed to switch they went the whole time and I'm like great I'm really such a great listener but that doesn't develop emotional intimacy with the other person because they need to understand what's going on in your world and I think ultimately I've also gotten to a place where maybe that's affected me in my own relationships and I'm actually realizing this as I'm saying it I have been such a good listener and I ask questions in a sense that can take over the conversation and people like to talk about themselves so they feel like I care about them and I've gotten to a place where I feel that maybe not that many people really know what life is like for me or ask questions about what's going out with me so I'm in this season where I'm really wanting to develop more and deeper connections in terms of this social penetration theory with friends and you know other people outside of our own marriage but again I've done this to you I'm good at listening I can be curious but I need to make sure I'm revealing and yeah opening myself up in a way where it's again mutual and reciprocal and you have to be in touch with your feelings to do that which is also something people often need to work on because just around that one out when you both are vulnerable with each other it really does solidify trust between you two right you can even notice that whenever I watch movies because I I just think there's so many beautiful lessons in good movies you can tell that there is this depth to a connection when both people are vulnerable with each other you actually feel like oh wow like we both are opening up to each other this is a safe place so just remember that that vulnerability is not a weakness it actually strengthens your ability to trust each other let's go to the fourth thing that you can do to create more emotional intimacy and that is to focus on the small but consistent habits to create connection the key word being consistency because here's the thing things you do here and there twice a month once a quarter like go on a trip plan a really special date night get them flowers those are nice but it's not going to really create that opening with each other where you both feel like you're bringing out the best in each other because it is about the consistency it's about how you treat me in the kitchen how we treat each other in the bedroom in the bathroom when we're getting ready for the day it's how we handle parenting moments and so some small things that you can do to create these connection habits would be taking 10 minutes every night to check in with each other rather than oh yeah yeah we have a meaningful conversation once a month on date night it's like guys that is not enough you have a lot of interactions in between there so a 10 minute nightly check in it could be some longer embraces like rather than the quick peck that you give each other hello and goodbye or the quick hug really embrace each other because that also has your nervous systems really get connected and sync up and you both release those happy love hormones like there are so many studies that show a longer embrace has you both feel more relaxed has you both feel happier and it releases all the love hormones and chemicals in our body it's sending sweet messages throughout the day it's asking a deeper question that shows you're inquiring about them and it really is just making sure you're showing I see you I care I don't take you for granted and you do that within all the functioning yes so though we know the functioning and the parenting and the work and the bills and the task management are all a priority for sure you have to demonstrate this intentional effort to make gestures to connect even in the busy seasons and a longer together the more important making the time for these small habits to get to layers 3 and 4 and really create the emotional intimacy the importance of that again the longer you're together before we go to the fifth point I actually want to mention one more example because I actually brought it up right before the podcast so we were supposed to come back from Ohio an evening flight that flight turned into literally over there was a massive snow storm in Chicago and it was everything was getting delayed and delayed and for some reason they wouldn't cancel it I don't even want to go in the story it was we ended up getting to our beds at 5 a.m. you guys so the point I was going to make though about these really small moments is it was not a very full flight so we were able to get our own row like a sky had a row to sleep on and then I was able to lay down Aaron was sitting next to me in that row and there was this moment where I really felt in a sense just kind of like I needed a little love and I don't know if you like telepathically read my mind but you put your hand on my back and like rubbed my back and I just felt so safe right and it was the simplest thing but had you not done that here's a thing I know my brain would have noticed because I actually had this thought I was half asleep but in the dream state I literally was like oh you know like a little affection right now would be really nice and you did it so just know that both your brains are scanning for affection for love for signs that they you know do they still love me you know was this an opportunity was then a missed opportunity and you know this comes from us having conversations where you know we're doing a lot ourselves and you know parenting and we got a new book coming and we just are with each other more not more but as much as any person could be with another person 24/7 literally and so you know we both said to each other that we're going to prioritize each other intimacy connection you know we even said that we were going to do this best of us challenge with everyone else and so that's you can start registering today but the best of us is going to start on January 1st we really don't want you to miss out on this it's daily emails sent directly to you that you want to think too much about they're going to build that spark that intimacy a lot of the things we were talking about today and we're going to do it along the way with you but we said we were going to kind of start earlier and so though it's not that I was doing that on the plane because we sent ourselves an email but I just knew that that was an intention that we had and that I want to demonstrate that we're more than co-workers and people that are just high functioning together not get complacent right not take each other for granted so to Aaron's point and then we're going to get to the fifth way you can create more emotional intimacy here is go to mycoupleschallenge.com/best like the reason we're bringing it up again is because we believe in it so much and the testimonials just every day that we get a message it blows us away and we want you to experience that as well so let's do this last point number five which we're not going to go into too much in depth it's to repair quickly when tension happens now you've if you've been following us our podcasts are social content or coaching with us or even an event you know that repair is one of the critical skills and there's a whole process the five ours web classes all that stuff but we want to just talk about the many repair moments you don't need to be perfect with each other if you're focused on the one through four that we talked about even the layers of emotional intimacy you still then have this grace for each other to make mistakes now typically the higher your love account the more emotional intimacy and closeness you do have than the less significant things feel and so you can let things go but we really want to focus on when there is a mistake that you just quickly acknowledge your role hey sorry I got defensive can we do that again hey sorry for my tone I know I was sharp I know it didn't show up the way that you know I wanted to or was best for you hey I care about you more than this argument or this decision we're going to make if you can do these things more quickly you actually build emotional intimacy because I think just taking responsibility is such a relief sometimes for the other person it builds safety it builds trust so we're not even talking about getting out the five Rs or the making up and moving forward guide and walking through the repair it's when their little mistake happens I think number one seeing that it's a one-off from your partner and just granting that grace obviously if it's repeated it's something different and then when you do make a mistake rather than not say anything or try to justify it just take the ownership yeah I mean you just said it so perfectly I mean I think the big thought I would underline here is that repair really protects the intimacy in your relationship because like we've talked about throughout this intimacy requires vulnerability and you aren't going to feel like you can be vulnerable with someone you don't respect and you don't respect someone who doesn't repair that's a big statement but it's true and so just remember that feeling close is not because you're a perfect person actually we tend to feel closer to people that we experience you know little mistakes with and that repair with us that actually can deepen a bond so it's a really key point to protect that sense of intimacy through those quick repairs through those quick acknowledgments so these are five really key things that you can do they are not complicated you guys that's the thing you can deprioritize these you can say we're too busy but don't forget that what we all crave and deep down want more than anything in a marriage is deep connection real connection to feel seen to feel like again we come back from this world that can be harsh and busy and we have to be strong all the time and we come back to the home with our partner and we just can't have the sigh of relief like there's my person that I can share everything with that I can be vulnerable with I don't always have to be strong but also who will meet me in excitement and joy and we can bring out the best in each other so really take these to heart and implement them and make intimacy a priority if that can be the mantra that we give you for the next I mean several months but forever is that intimacy both emotional and physical when it is really a priority in your marriage everything else is easier I promise you parenting is easier managing finances is easier handling career struggles health struggles it's all yes it's all easier when you two are close so with that we really hope you enjoyed today's episode let us know write a review those help us a lot send us a DM and make sure you get signed up for that special edition 30 day couples challenge called the best of us it is about bringing out the best in each other reigniting that spark and really creating more intimacy both emotional and physical so go to my couples challenge.com/best we want you to experience this and not miss out because it's only open three times a year with that you guys were so grateful that you're here and we'll talk to you on the next episode