Speaker 1So, what happens when you tell people that you are no longer drinking, no longer using drugs, you are sober? I'm going to go through in this episode what happens and how to handle when you tell people you quit drinking. What the reactions are, how to handle them, and usually what they mean. It's usually never about you. It's usually about them and their uncomfortability towards their drinking or being around people that are sober. Because you'll find that there's a pretty standard reaction, difference of reactions. You'll get a few different people that will react pretty much the same way across the board. And it all has to do with where they're at with their drinking and their level of comfort with themselves and the work that they've done. So, I apologize. I'm a little tired. If this episode comes off as lazy, I'm going to do my best to show up today because I believe in showing up. And I'm trying to... I'm trying to grow this podcast. I'm trying to release three episodes a week. I'm in the studio tomorrow with my friend Devin, Chef Devin, who's going to come back in and repeat guests. And we're going to do an episode on whatever he wants to talk about, whatever he's going through. I think that one will be good. I really am trying to do more in-person guests, but these solo ones are just low-hanging fruit for me. They're simple to do. I firmly believe, too. I'll go on record saying this. If you continue to show up, as I am continuing to show up in my recovery, the universe, God, higher power will present you with the plan. The plan will eventually make sense. If it's not making sense to you right now and your life is in shambles, you're wondering why you're going through this or what's happening or what the hell did I do to deserve this, just keep going. Just keep going. It is all part of the plan. I always try to think like that because bad days, good days, I don't really get to decide today. They're just... Moments in my life, days in my recovery that I am working towards being a better human, the path will eventually, the plan will eventually reveal itself and make sense. It just doesn't make sense today because we can't see the plan. We are unable to zoom out at 30,000 feet and see the great plan. We only have our perspective and that is the problem. But my life is good today. I'm sober. My name is Anthony. I'm an alcoholic and an addict. I'm in recovery. I've got a year and a half sober again. I relapsed after seven and a half years on steroids, secrets, and ADHD medication. And I'm bringing these episodes to you today and I'm grateful for that. So let's talk about what happens when you tell people that you're sober. I just spilled water all over my leg. It's just one of those days, folks. I'm telling you. The first time I told someone I was sober, I braced like I was confessing to a crime. And their reaction told me more about them than anything I'd just... Just said about me. I'd just said about me. Today's whole episode is the thing nobody really preps you for. Not the getting sober part. The telling people part. The reactions, the weird ones, the ones that surprise you. And how to say it without turning it into a TED talk. Getting sober is one job. Telling the world you're sober is a completely separate one. And it never really ends. New job, new date, new party. Someone hands you a drink and there you are deciding again. How do I... I spin this to them. How do I tell them that I don't drink?
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Speaker 1This is my experience, not a rule book. Everybody's disclosure looks different and that's fine. So you don't have to do it my way or do the things that I do. But this is just the way that I see it, my experience. You'll have people in your life that will leave it when you say, I'm just not drinking. I just don't drink. Especially in 2026. When I came in first at 2023 in 20... Sorry, in 2015 when I was 23. Society looked a lot different with the drinking culture. And yes, that was only 10 or 11 years ago. I feel like I had to do a lot more explaining. There was a lot less of a Instagram sober push, productivity push than there is now, I would say. Which by the way, I think a lot of people are getting annoyed of. I think a lot of people are tired of this productivity phase, trend. And it feels like homework. I think a lot of the time, I think a lot of people are exhausted with trying to be productive. I think a lot of people are exhausted with trying to be productive. I think a lot of people are exhausted with trying to be productive. I think a lot of people are exhausted with trying to be productive. I think a lot of people are exhausted with trying to be better. And if I'm not doing everything right, I'm failing. And I'm here to tell you that, you know, I hope my podcast doesn't come off as, if you don't do this, you're not going to stay sober. I hope my podcast comes off as, hey, this helped me. Maybe it'll help you. Simple as that. If you're not doing these things, that's okay. If you're doing these things, great. If you're doing other things that help you, keep doing them. You don't have to listen to me. This is just my experience in the 11 years that I've been recovering. So I want to name the boundary early. Telling people, you don't drink is your call to make. It's different from anonymity. You can be totally open about being sober without ever naming a program or dragging anyone else's recovery into it. So yeah, you don't have to tell them what fellowship you're a part of. Sometimes I overshare when people ask me why I'm not drinking or I don't drink. Sometimes I'll tell them way too much. And today I just try to keep it simple. I'm just not drinking. I just don't drink. If they keep prodding, and prying, it's their problem, like I said to you before. So let's get into it. The reactions you'll actually get. These are the different types of reactions that I've experienced when I tell people I'm not drinking or I don't party or I don't do drugs or whatever. First, the defensive drinker. You say I don't drink and suddenly they're explaining they're drinking to you. I mean, I only really drink on weekends. It's really not that bad. I don't, you know, I really cut back too. I made a whole video on this on Instagram too. I'm underperformed. But again, we're not going to get into the whole Instagram bullshit thing. I'm just, I'm sour about the way my Instagram reels are performing lately. And listen, I'm happy to keep making them. It's really hard not to pay attention to the metrics. And I'm going to stop talking about it. I'm just going to keep going. Nobody asked. Your sobriety became a mirror and they didn't like the reflection. So yeah, I've definitely run into these people where they're like, yeah, you know, I cut back my drinking too. I really don't drink that much anymore. Like, okay, great. You don't, you don't need to identify with me. That's, that's fine. You know, I never thought you were an alcoholic anyways. I think people come up with this defensive reaction because they think that once we're sober, we're going to judge them for drinking at all. I don't give a fuck whether you drink or not. I tell that to people all the time. If you want to drink, that's your choice. I'm not one of these guys that's going to come here and say, oh, you're poisoning your body. Oh, alcohol is so bad for you. I don't care. If you can drink, drink. If I could drink normally, I would. I would drink all the time. That's the problem. I can't. So I don't. The next reaction you'll run into is the good for you. So this one is, is nice, but can get a little overwhelming sometimes. The warm, a little distant, sometimes a little pitying, usually kind. Occasionally it's a door closing. They've filed you under no longer fun. So good for you. This is the, yeah, this is the one where it just completely shuts down the door. One time when I was in Barcelona, I was on a, a trip by myself before I met my wife, two years sober, 2017. I went to Barcelona. I stayed at a hostel and I went out one night with this, this guy, we were going to go to the club and we went to, uh, have some food before. And I remember he was, we got along really well. He was from Vancouver. I'm from Toronto. We were having a great time conversating, excited to go to the club that night, talking about all our experiences and, uh, at some point the waiter comes over and asks us for our order. We're having hamburgers or something before the club, some kind of fast food. And they were serving alcohol at this establishment. He orders a beer, comes to me. I said, Oh no, I'm good with just water. And I I'll never forget this. The guy immediately went into a complete change into a completely different person. I remember he looked at me and he said, Oh, you're not drinking. I said, Oh no, I don't drink. I'm in recovery. I probably told him, you know, I used to do a lot of drugs. I used to drink a lot because I had been talking to him about my past memories as well. And, uh, he had this look on his face and I could just tell he was like, Oh my God, this guy's a loser. I, I, I just, I could just tell. And again, we think we're mind readers, but what proceeded to happen next would probably confirm my assumption. We finished our burgers. We were walking on our way to the club and suddenly this guy had new plans and he couldn't go out anymore. The guy literally. ditched me in Barcelona by myself in line for the club as we were going to line up. He's like, Oh no, I'm going to, I got to call it an early night. I have something to do tomorrow. And the guy completely ditched me. This was after I told him that I don't drink anymore. You know what? Some people just can't handle it. They, they can't, they just assume that you're not fun. As soon as you, you don't drink, I was going to have a great time and go to the club sober and not judge him. Some people just can't handle it. And it's their problem. It's not mine. I ended up going out that night to a club and I had a great time. I met people. I had a lot, lots of fun. Not everyone's going to be accepting of your sobriety. Next we have the pusher or the tester. One won't hurt. You can have just one, right? What are you talking about? The person who needs you to drink. So their own drinking feels normal. This I've had this experience very limited times. I think most people are pretty understanding, but you'll run into the guy once in a while. Maybe he's under the influence already that will try to get you to drink and not, not see. And again, nobody knows, my experience. How can I expect somebody to understand my addiction? They'd never been through it. They've never experienced it. So it's best to stay away from resentment on this because resentment is only effect. It's like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. If somebody is continually pushing you to drink, don't hang out with that person, but you don't have to be mad at them either. They just don't understand. And if they do understand and they're doing it anyways, well, fuck that guy. Next we have the pity face. So the overly, super proud of you, the head tilt, the assumption you hit some cinematic rock bottom. Sometimes you did, sometimes you didn't, and you don't owe them the movie. So yeah, this one is probably the more common one. When I first got sober is the people that were really proud and went out of their way to tell me how proud they were of me. And that, that overly, this one can be overwhelming as well, because they, they really keep giving you compliments. And I love you, I love you, I love you. And I'm so proud of you and just take it, be grateful. This is probably one of the best reactions I can get today because they probably understand a little bit more than the other ones. Next we have the confider. So the final one, the fourth one is the confider, the quiet one who leans in and says, Hey, how did you know when it was a problem? This is the reaction nobody warns you about. And it's the reason being open matters. So this is the guy that thinks he had a problem himself or girl or person. Or maybe they have a cousin or friend that has a problem and they confide in you. They ask you for help. This one is the best one because now you can be of service. Your sobriety just helped get somebody else, plant a seed, plant a seed with somebody else. What a gift. That's what this thing is all about. I'm open about my sobriety today so that I can face, so that I can have these moments occur more in my life. And let's, I'm going to be honest. People will reach out to you and start to ask you about their friend. People will start to ask you about their friend. They're themselves. And it can be overwhelming as well because you can't help everybody and you can do your best. But this is why I break my anonymity about sobriety to help people that are suffering in silence. So the reaction, their reaction is about them, not you. This goes back to the four agreements episode I did last, which was don't take anything personally. Very important here. This is not about you. It's about them. So the defensive drinker, the pusher, the pity, none of it as a verdict on your recovery. None of it is a verdict on your recovery. It's their relationship with alcohol talking through their face, their reaction. Why this matters practically, if you take the bad reactions personally, you'll start hiding it. And hiding it is where a lot of us get into trouble. The freeing reframe. You're not responsible for their comfort about your sobriety you said a true thing about yourself their feelings about it are theirs to hold don't hold anybody else's feelings don't try to rescue anyone this is their problem not yours i remember one time i was at a bar before a leafs game toronto maple leafs hockey team and my wife was drinking a beer and i was drinking a soda water and this random guy was drunk he came up to us and said she and my wife is a lot smaller than i am he started laughing in our faces and said you're drinking that and she's drinking that massive beer and i said yeah so what i don't drink and he just started laughing he said it looks weird and i just kind of stood there in silence and stared at him until he realized how stupid what he did was because nobody else was laughing and he thought it was funnier in his head don't let that person rent space in your head you let it go how much to actually say you have a full menu and you get to pick the portion the one-liner i don't drink that's a full sentence use silence to your advantage i just don't drink i don't drink i'm not drinking no footnote required then there's the light deflect i'm the designated adult tonight buys you a night when you don't want the conversation so i'm driving the honest version i'm in recovery i got sober for people who've earned it so the you know this is user discernment here if you want to be honest about it be honest about it if not you could even make a passive aggressive joke that i love doing but use this one sparingly well if i drink that i'm going to start doing coke if i drink that i'm going to start doing meth if somebody's really bothering you that one you usually will shut them up i'm going to end up in jail i read a comment on one of my videos the other day somebody said that he when someone offers him a drink he says oh you got beers in your fridge do you have bail money in your wallet love that one insinuating that if i take that drink i'm going to go to jail you're going to have to bail me out i also like saying sometimes oh you don't have enough beer in the in the world for me to start drinking the trap is over explaining the more you justify it the more it sounds like you're asking permission i don't drink said flatly ends the conversation better than three paragraphs use silence decide your line before the party not in the moment with a drink in someone's outstretched hand so yeah i'm going to drink that one i'm going to drink that one in the moment with a drink in someone's outstretched hand so yeah this goes back to having a plan so these are the separate contexts that have their own beast for example dating when to say it my take sooner than feels comfortable but definitely not on the first date again i had a girl stop back when i was dating i told her that i don't drink and she just ghosted me right that again that's her problem it was definitely for the best because i love my wife i'll say this too when i first met my wife she was a good friend she was a good friend she was a good friend she was a good friend and i told her why i didn't drink because i felt comfortable to tell her why so i told her the full story i told her everything i got honest and her reaction was literally oh okay that's great that was it she didn't ask questions she didn't that told me that she didn't have a problem with her drinking when she didn't have a problem with me not drinking and we've worked out today we've been married almost two years now so it's been a great experience but everyone's gonna be different we've been married almost two years now so it's been a great experience but everyone's gonna be different we've been married almost two years now so it's been a great experience but everyone's gonna be different we've been married almost two years now so it's been a great experience but everyone's gonna be different we've been married almost two years now so it's been a great experience and you find that out on date two instead of month six don't wait longer than i don't know a few dates but it's different for everybody your mileage may vary work you usually don't owe your job a reason i'm good with a soda at the work dinner is a complete answer disclosure at work is a real decision with real stakes no shame either way yeah be careful with this one um i just told people i didn't drink and it wasn't that hard because my job didn't really force us to go drinking after work but some people's do some people they want you to go and socialize and you can go and just say i just don't drink another thing with work is oh i don't drink at these work things a lot of people would understand that but when i used to work in corporate i would specifically not get completely transparent about my sobriety because i didn't want it to affect my position at work this is a real thing family is the hardest crowd because they knew the drinking version and their reaction is loaded with history for the most part their skepticism early on isn't an insult it's them protecting themselves give it time not a lecture holidays old friend groups the people who only ever knew you with a drink in your hand some make the jump with you some don't and that grief is real and rarely talked about the upside nobody mentions every time you say it out loud you make it a little more real and a little less shameful for you and for whoever's listening yes there's a lot of power in words you are reminding yourself that you are not a normal drinker i'm reminding myself that i don't drink like other people simple as that when i see people on the patios having a great time enjoying themselves i simply repeat in my head i just don't drink like that my drinking doesn't look like theirs full stop when i drink i do drugs when i drink i don't know what's going to happen next i've proven it to myself time and time again the confider again so being openly sorry being open is quietly the most useful thing you can do you become the person someone finally feels safe asking you didn't have to be perfect at it you just had to be honest about it this is an upside to helping the confider person get helping plant the seed of recovery you're showing people that you recovered from a seemingly hopeless condition of mind and body and maybe they can too
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Speaker 3This episode is brought to you by TXU Energy. For the first time ever, Texans have an energy plan that combines free nights all year with daytime summer savings. It's called Free Nights and Cool Summer. You get free nights every night all year long, plus a 25% bonus toward your daytime use all summer. It's a first-of-its-kind plan created for how Texans actually use energy. Discover how much more you could save with Free Nights and Cool Summer. TXU Energy. Energy for everything. Visit TXU.com for more information. Rep number 10004.
Speaker 1Being sober out loud? Turns a private struggle into something with a door in it. That's the whole point of the show. So you're going to get every reaction under the sun when you get sober. And you're going to have to tell people that you don't drink one way or another. Or you're not drinking. It's inevitable. If you go out to social events or if you interact with humans, it's going to happen. Most of it's about them. You get to choose how much you share. And the awkward moment of saying it is almost always smaller than the freedom on the other side of it. So the awkward moment of saying it is almost always smaller than the freedom on the other side of it. Think about the last time you told someone. What reaction caught you off guard? Comment down below. I'd love to read these reactions. And also comment what you say when people ask you why you're not drinking. I love reading them. They're hilarious sometimes. But I think it'll be helpful for everybody else. What do you say when someone asks you if you want to drink? If you're not following the podcast. Please follow. If no one has told you this yet today, I love you. And remember, recovery is simple.
Speaker 3This episode is brought to you by TXU Energy. For the first time ever, Texans have an energy plan that combines free nights all year with daytime summer savings. It's called Free Nights and Cool Summer. You get free nights every night all year long. Plus a 25% bonus toward your daytime use all summer. It's a first of its kind plan created for how Texans actually use energy. Discover how much more you could save with Free Nights and Cool Summer. TXU Energy. Energy for everything. Visit TXU.com for more information. Rep number 10004.
Speaker 4I'm Glenn Washington. This is Snap Judgment from KQED. When everything is falling apart, what do you do? Hurricane Helene shut everything down. No roads, no cars, no way through. But his daughter was getting married. And somehow, someway, he was going to walk her down that aisle. All systems down. A new Snap Judgment miniseries from KQED. Tap to listen now. Not easy.
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