What goes around, comes around

Kicks this motherfucking newly we're back beautiful baby. It's the church. What's happening now? New Testament Tuesday the 14th of April. Choo choo. This train ain't stopping dog. Never. It's the 14th of April already. Two days ago was, you know, Joey Diaz got hit by a car all day. The fool's day, you know, all that type of shit. Oh my God. What's up brother? Dude, I almost killed somebody day with my car. By the way, driving in that city is not like, and I wasn't even high. But between the bikes and the people walking, I legit almost ended. I got hit by a car before I moved to the city once. That was pretty good. I didn't, I didn't take your advice. So I didn't fall down. I fucked up. I was so upset. You had a two spot. No, I was so ready. I didn't, you don't expect it. And it's just like, now I feel, I feel like it's like stand up. Like, now the next time in heaven, I'll be ready for it. But I wasn't ready for it. I was pissed. Listen, man, I told you, three weeks ago, almost a lady at 6, 15 in the morning going to the hospital, get blood work, and make a KG and all that shit. And it was not my fault at all. Not even close was I high, like a motherfucker. But, and you know, she was half asleep. Yeah. And I told her to keep going, go, go, go. And she's like, no, you go, you go, you go. And then somebody texted. She looked at the text and started walking as I'm going. And things happen. But not to trivialize, not to not pay attention to what you're saying about New York City, right? I understand. Now I know you guys think I grew up over there. I know all the streets. It's great. But you really don't know those streets. Now you really don't. There's bicycles, there's bicycle lanes now. There's fucking people with fucking clothes, you know, and it's, it's a lot. And as you get older, you get, you know, bro, I'm driving. I'm not supposed to be reaching these guys, pushing a cart with a fucking dragon on fire in it. And then they fucking, the problem is it's not just bikes anymore. They have motors on them. So you look and you think you up time and then all of a sudden they're there. And it's, and I got a bad look. This is the first, yes, it was the first time I was a little bit scared. I don't know if you saw, they had a guy with a machete at Grand Central. That he stabbed. He got two people. That was the, that's the, that's the train station I go to. If I got whacked with a machete, you would never let me hear the end of it. If I survived, you would never let me. That's your new name, machete. machete and you this. I don't know what that is. But, you know, Lee, that's an everyday occurrence in New York City at some point or another. You know, that's a thing that you never see until you see it. Once you see it, you can't see it. No, you know, and I've seen fist fights, right things and fist fights at OTB. And I've seen, you know, arguments, but a motherfucker with a knife on a train. And he starts stabbing people, you know, I mean, you don't know what you're just waking up. I didn't have my coffee at this time. The fucking lung already. Like, what's this world coming to? All that shit, man. Listen, you can't stop living your life. No. You know, what are you doing, George? I'm going to a rolling stone. I'm going to take the train. Oh, you can't take the train. You know, you can't, I can't stop living my fucking life. So all I ask of everybody, just keep your fucking eyes open. Tell your wife, girlfriend, cousin, nephew. When we're walking these streets, to me, it's fairly shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. So if you do say something, I can react. Right. I can react. I don't want to hear about is his climate pitching or whatever the fuck it is. You know, right. And that's going, I'm walking. I'm very serious now. Was it here or somewhere else? I said, dog, George, I used to walk all over the city. Okay. All over the bridge down to a fucking, just save the token. Because I didn't have, when you only have 18 dollars, that token, let's say we're talking that 50 cents tokens, a lot more than what you think. Three dollars now. And it got to the point where my, my gift was that if I had a walkman with earphones and read weed, I'm good. I don't need just stupid fucking bus. I'll get there. Yeah. Now at this age can't do it because I feel somebody sneaking up behind me. And listen, when I was doing blow, nobody was sneaking up behind me. But now at this age, I always feel like I can't hear. I don't know what these people doing with their cars. Right. So if I go, I do walk, I have to walk against traffic because I want to see these idiots. I don't want to walk with these idiots on my back. The fucking tax that the steering wheel goes and I'm dead. Right. So at least I could see what's going on. That relieves some of the anxiety. As far as events again, before you want to go to any event that you're not sure about. This is why I always ask myself how I pathically put yourself on the floor, bleeding from the shoulder. Had a fucking hockey game that you fucking hate hockey, but you have to go for your friend because listen, think about that feeling. You're laying on the floor, you're here. Coming from your lungs, you can't breathe because somebody invited you to something. You didn't want to do anyway. And you went and now you're on that floor, nurturing blood, thinking to myself, why the fuck did I come here? So that's what I do. Whenever somebody invites me out of something, I look at it that way. Listen, not if you can invite me to a restaurant, but all that stupidity, a jack game, you know, at one point is one of those jet fans going to run out and get a bazooka and start shooting everybody in that stadium. At one point, at one point are these giant fans, these knuckleheads going to get a bazooka or a machine gun and shoot the fucking rate of fans as they're walking out. It's got to come. You can't lose for 50 fucking years. You just I got to be on a spot. A bazooka would be pretty cool. But my point is you anything like that now. I think about it twice. Like do I really fucking will my life change? I understand getting entertained. I want to go see a play pretty soon. I got to do it before the 20 fucking third because I'm not going to be able to do it afterward. But I've thought about it. Do I want to get on a ferry with my family walking around Manhattan? Because it's not the play I'm concerned about. It's the bum whacking off. I'm walking past the street. It's the guy waving a knife. It's the Chinese guy talking to the wall for no fucking reason. You know, do you think it's because you have mercy? Do you think you know it's because I have me. I love these people that just do things. They like chickens with a lot of head. I see 20 people in my world right now that I'm going to check I'm going in there. What are you doing? What are we doing this? Tell me why. Let's get down to the square root of this. Are you doing this to post pictures on Facebook so your friends can see you. How you doing? You know, you have to think about this shit. Why are you really taking these vacation? And again, we're back to the vacation. I'm not saying that. Right. Now we're not even talking about vacations. Please. Thank you for correcting me. I'm just going to figure out. Because every time you turn on the news, you know, yesterday in Jersey, they killed some people. Didn't they? At the end of and out in union, right? Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A? Yeah. You know, my life's Chick-fil-A. Yeah. So right now I'm done 30%. Now before I go to Chick-fil-A, I got to think about it. Enjoy your being unrational. Yes, I am. Because it could happen anywhere. So when you walk into a place, you're going to keep your eyes open while you're there because you're in a black neighborhood. I'm texting with your girlfriend. Tell her, "Fuck off. Fuck off. I'm not going in my pocket with you getting my phone." I mean, enough. Enough. How many fucking times do you see people on the iPhone walking? Enough. Enough. Enough. Enough. And that's how you have to play it now. You have to tell her, tell her whatever you're way there and see yourself on the floor bleeding from an eyeball. barely getting oxygen because I really want to go see this band. Listen, I'll save you 400. I hang over and everything. I'll give you a joint and we'll play the album at home really loud. What about people coming to our shows? It's the same band. Oh, it does not the way. Well, listen, I'll tell you what, nobody has gotten shot at a comedy show. But if somebody does get shot at a comedy show, you will think twice. Yeah. And again, talk. I'm not talking about staying in with bars around your house because you're scared. Joey said I'm going to get shot. Joey did not say you're going to get shot. Joey said to think your steps. And when you're there, keep your eyes open. Because listen, I'd rather have a human shield in front of me. getting bullets in that iPhone. No wonder you always put me in front of you. Oh my God. Yeah. Dude, you live in New York City, huh? And whether it's 1965 or 2026, it's a big city. And anything could happen. This goes for Miami. This goes for Houston, Texas. This goes for Austin. Didn't they just shoot a bunch of people in Austin? A couple weeks ago, probably in a bar, some Abdul guy came out. He just goes for Tempia, Arizona with all of college students. You know, Coachella, they're in Coachella now, Joe. Oh, no. Just to be fair. Every time a year. Yeah. Yeah. It's just so again, what the fuck are we talking about? Right? Especially this could happen in San Francisco, booby. This could happen while you're at the mall. What about them? There was a case that just got settled. Like, maybe you got thrown off the mall of America and land on the bottom. Really? I guess that wouldn't happen out there. But if you live, think about it. What's the expression if you throw spaghetti against the wall? It's going to stick, right? Boy, if you throw 8 million people, and again, I don't know my, I'm not sentenced to take it. I'm just telling you, if you throw 3 million people in a city, more shit, there's more cuts, there's more car accidents, there's naturally. So you got to raise that up with murderous, crazy people, but you just don't know when it's going to strike. I know I'm trying to say it's just to be prepared. Especially places like, like Coachella. Coachella is not forming, but I get it. But then even to spend 10 grand to be stuck there with the thousands of people, and something that's such a high, like everyone knows about, I forget the word I'm looking for, but everyone's, it's a big play. Everyone knows about Coachella. They know if they hit that, Justin Bieber's there. Someone comes to the funny bone in Omaha. No one's really going to, you're not going to really get much. You know, it's funny how life is changed. You know, people's entertainment needs have changed. When I went to a concert, it was to get fucked up and see the concert and enjoy the music. When the bottom my early, I never went to a concert called "Oh, I'm gonna wear a clone. I'm gonna pick up a chick." A woman wasn't even on my mind. Wow. Not even on my mind. I'm going there. I like this band. They have four albums. I got fucking three of those four albums. And the only reason I don't have the fourth one is because I'm saving up for it. It's a double album or something. You know, right. I have a background in there. I know what I'm, you know, people don't do that. People will go to anything just to be seen. Yeah? Okay. And the pictures and I'll set the game and and you forget why you even doing things anymore. I think that there's some people who forget why they're even living. Their whole thing is let's take a shot. You don't even mean drinking. You mean picture. Picture. Yeah. Let's take a shot. Let's take a shot. Oh, real quick. Let's take a shot. Oh, real quick. Let's take a shot. And they're so focused on the shot that they missed a big picture of the evening. Well, the morning or the event you're going to, you know, you're just missing the whole fucking thing. And does that bother me because they're not having, like, they're not having fun. I'm going to a neck game to fucking watch the next man. They're about to be in the playoffs. I think they played a night at eight o'clock at the guard. You know, if I was, I'm going to watch them play. I'm not going to pay 10,000 miles to sit in the front row with hat on and sunglasses and make believe like I just don't see that. Right. You're already in movies. You're reading a thousand fucking things. Now you got to be a show off and sit in the front row. You're missing the whole thing. Best games I saw. George, correct me. Up on time. Yeah. You have so much more fun. I'm with this. A thousand times. So I don't know anymore. There was a time that I knew how to mark at a comedy show correctly. Like if I was really thinking and George says, I have the spot up in flip side. My sister runs it. It seats 80 people. Okay. Do we want to do a three man show conventional again? No, it's in a comedy club. Let's do something. Let's get a singer. Let's get a band. Let's get a Chinese guy light and firecracker. I don't give a fuck. Yeah. But I don't even know my point. No, but it is interesting. Now, it's a different story now. Like I got to be out like one of my favorite shows that we've been doing. Another those bucket shows that we did. We just did one tremendous. So much. I think I'm thinking about trying to start one in the city somewhere. Well, that's tremendous. They are like last week. I went to Austin last week and I want to dinner with my friend. I had nothing to do for two days. All I had to do was be at ways too well at 11 o'clock Wednesday morning. I had made no commitments to anybody. Okay. I was going in. In fact, nobody even knew I was coming. That's so funny. Well, I was eating dinner. I saw a guy that was Joe's security detailing. What are you doing here? I go, and nobody knows because you got it. I go, I don't want him even knowing I'm coming to the club. Right. So I walked in there like a quarter to eight. Now before the, before the, you know, I don't have that much for an appetite. No more. Okay. So before that, I went to eat like a BK barrel, like two quick ones. Okay. And then I had a couple vampires. Oh, Edibles. Okay. I put those in my pocket. So I went to this great restaurant, Austin, Eddie V's. I didn't get a steak. I ended up getting the, uh, whatever yellow tail or quala, what a slice it's then with olive oil and shit like that. Right. My friend had the same. And then I got chili and sea bass. And while we were wrapping up, I didn't drink or anything. I was drinking water. But I at least had a little appetite to finish the fish and whatever, but as I was wrapping up for some fucking reason, I went in my pocket to see what I had. And it was those vampires. So I rip one and ate it. Not thinking it's 250 on top of the two. I ate plus I didn't really eat anything all day. Plus it's chili and sea bass. Now I got to walk to the club and get the edible cooking. It's like a five minute walk. And then I got to go in there and get on the elevator, go up, surprise Joe Huggam and Joe goes, do you want to go up before me? And I'm like, not really. I just walked in here. And as I was talking to him, the sweat started coming up because I just walked there. You many of you was catching up with me. Yeah. He's like, come on, bro. Just go up there. Do 10. Just bring me up. Do 10 to 10. I'm like, you know what? If I don't agree to this, he's not gonna shut the fuck up. All right. So instead of taking the elevator, I walked mistake number one down. Oh, no. And then back up, walk goes down and let's come up, right? Whatever the fuck it is. Yeah. And I walk up and I get to the top of the stair. I'm out of breath. Anxiety's taking over. I'm sweating fucking profusiously by this point. I said down. I regrouped a little bit. I breathed. I took, you know, and then Tony looked in and he goes, Oh, shit. Okay. He brought me up. And I walked out there into like a ball of anxiety, sweat dripping down my fucking back. You know, the first set I did okay. Okay. I did okay. I had some rough spots. I hadn't been on stage and I didn't look at my notebook. Then then I had to go through the bottom of the barrel. They're bucket show. They're bucket show. And it was brilliant. I mean, it was like I was just coming out like perfect. And then on the way out, I go, you know what? I'm feeling, let me do the late show and I just leveled the room. Oh, yeah. Just leveled in. I did the same stupid shit. When's the one I went there? Okay. I wasn't at it then. He kept texting me, bro, where are you? At least come give me a hug before you leave. I walk and he's like, you going up? No, I'm not. I'm not going. I'm doing the little room first. It's like a warm up a little bit. Right. Right. So I fucking pissed them off. I did the little room. And then I went back to the big boy and fucking laid it out. Nice. And I felt, you know, but I can't walk into a ring and just kill 50 50. No, no, no, no. Yeah. If you come in and settle and drink a water and talk to George and take my mind off what's going on. Yeah. But when you walk into a place like, well, you thank God you here. Get up there. You know, that's tough. Yeah. I just stayed fucking dinner. I just had my wife's fucking asshole in my mouth. Yeah. There's something. Why do you think the bucket show doesn't, you don't have that anxiety over because you know, like you don't have to remember material. There's something about to open up something. Okay. And I don't know what it is. And that's always great. It's like if I put a safe here. It's a George. There's something in there that's worth money. I just don't know what it is. Right. And George goes in there and it's Natasha Luckensky. She drew it fucking watch. She was on fire. And it's worth two million fucking dollars. Right. You know, so that's how it is. And it's I don't know. It's so much fun because there's no pressure to remember anything. And like you try, like, I don't know in my head at least. I'm like, don't eat. You're not allowed to go anywhere that you've been before. Listen, I know a lot of young comics watch this show. And I thought about this when I was eating lunch the other day. I've been getting up on stages for close to 35 years. I'm three months away. And I'm a liar if I tell you, I still get nervous. Oh yeah. It's not the intensity if I was. 30 years ago, but I still for a minute that I just need a minute, I just need a minute to regroup. You know what I'm saying? And then once you go through the same process, you've gone through for 34 years, not four years, not 14 years, but 34 fucking years, you've been doing the exact same thing. And by the time you touch the microphone, once I say what's happening, you bad motherfuckers lights out. The fear is gone. The fear went out with those words, right? That's why they're a little harsh, but I don't care if they're harsh up front. You follow me? Especially for you. Yeah, for me. It's harsh. Yeah. Those people love it. People, people go crazy. I'm so excited for Nashville this weekend. Oh, it's a comedy festival. Eat some chicken Friday night. No, I don't think I'm sad as well. Not listen. I don't have the time to stay in cities. Right. I just don't have the time. I wish like last week, I did very good, lost it. Like there wasn't a one time I thought about catching the player a little earlier, like a bum of fucking helicopter ride with a congressman or something. Right? Not one time. Not one time. That's nice. And that's how I like my things to go. And I was explaining to you the other night at the dojo that once the knee gets worked on next week, once I'm walking around, I feel bad. I'm going down there. But then to get back on stage, I'm going to go down there for three days in the room. And my goal is 10 sets in three days. Oh, that's easy. I don't know with a bum leg. I don't know. But once you can stand up, yeah, I'm going to try it. Yeah, again, especially since you won't have to go anywhere. No, because if I say here, I have this Atlantic city thing and there's a boundary is 120 mile boundary, 90 miles. So I can't perform anywhere. I'm going to go to Baltimore to do two spots in two days. I got to drive to Liberty and do two spots in two days. I can't do a second show. That's going to really kill my legs. So before we even go there, if I go down there, I got four shows on one night, I have to go anyway. And it's different because the shows up here are 45 to an hour down there, you can do four 10, 15 minutes spots. So on one week here, I'll do three spots, who's there Wednesday and Thursday. Down there, if I sit tight, I can do six spots at least. Who's there Wednesday, Thursday, catch a Friday morning flight? And you're fucking back here. And that doesn't even count if you can make it to Red Bands Room. Because if you can make it to Red Bands Room, that's even more than that. And that's a hundred yards from Joe. So it just makes, it's like why people moved to New York City to do the amount to spots they have every night. So they could keep rewriting and keep going over there. I talked to you about something that's really a pain in my ass lately. Last week we had a young lady on air. Okay, she's a 28 year old young lady. I met her when she was 23. I really got a kick out of her. I have a young daughter at home. When I see 23s, 28s, 26s, this is mercy in the drop of a dime. You know this choice. Yeah. One day you're taking them to fucking high school. Next thing, you know, they get married, bro. It's that fucking quick, you know. I think she, you know, I hadn't seen her in years. So I reconnected with her at the roast of Jersey. And I really like her. You know, listen, we're all crazy. We all got problems. What's the Bible say? Hey, whatever, throw the first stone, whatever that fucking thing is. Anyway, you don't know about the Bible. I did. You're fucking. You know, I bring her on. I don't care if she's a star. You know, I just think she's interesting to me. And probably the first time I got like five methods from people on Instagram, on Facebook. That why did I put her on? And I'm like, and then my sister, at least I'm seeing the call me. She's like, I think you got a crush on my Lisa. Fuck is known. I told Lisa the truth. I go, I know her. And when I see these girls now, I get happy because I know that's my daughter a couple of years. Just like that guy. Just like that. They're gonna be fucking quick. And I for like three days, I was gonna ask them when I got like two matches the day after. And I got like two matches Thursday. And I read them on the plane. And I'm like, fuck this up with people, man. People are so angry right now. And it's not been now. I've been angry, man. I used to wake up angry all the time. Yeah. But not enough to wake up and kill somebody on the internet. I didn't even morning. And they were just mad that she was on. Yeah, like you shouldn't have had her on. She was Lewis Gomez's old girl from what do I, what do I care about that? I'm not even looking through people's girlfriend and boyfriend. I find somebody interesting. I put them on. And then, you know, they want to see the same shit we did the years. It's so fucking crazy how people are scared of change anymore. But that's still like, we'll put some New York. Why would I put New York comics on that have five podcast a week? It doesn't make sense to me. You already listened to them on five different fucking podcasts every goddamn week. What are they going to say on my show or what am I going to suck out of them that's so spectacular? But at the time, I get them that burnt out on podcasting, right? You burnt out of it. You know, so everybody's always suggesting and, hey, you're going to bring Nick the tour one. John, whatever bag wrap up or Nick lives in California. Okay, stupid. Nick lives whatever the distance is. Yeah. And I'm not going to fly him in for a fucking podcast. I'm not doing that. No, this is not that level of podcast. And I know that going in, you know, what I like things to improve. We all do. But right now, I have so many different things you're working on that you could just do a little bit at each whatever, right? But when I bring a guest on his because I find them interesting, right? Or you know them from somewhere what together we think they're great. But it's not like I don't bring people on here just to kill an episode. I did that with the original church. I brought people on to kill an episode because we had two episodes a week. Yeah. So you got to find somebody every week to put on there. So with different reasons, I just I don't understand what people want anymore. And that's why I don't listen to anything they say because they don't know what they if they want if they knew what they wanted, they wouldn't be listening to me. I think that it's podcasts have gone to a place where like you have to have like a huge guest who's like promoting. And when it honestly, like what I think this has been from the beginning is just us hanging out. And I had never met Natalie before. But I thought you knew Natalie. No, no, I never I knew over. But I never met. But yeah, just supposed to be us, you're getting a window into our lives. Okay. Think of what we were talking about before. For me and Georgia growing up, we meet over here. It's been a quite a load. Go get drugs and go into the city. I don't know how many conscience George saw, but George at the same level as I went to different shows. Not one, do you think about anything else? But going to that band and enjoying yourself, like really knowing the words to the song, having connections to your life, that's what the concept is about. Now I see people going to concert. I don't know what this band's about. Somebody got them American Express tickets, but what the fuck that boyfriend. And they got to go sit there with the how that band or have your metal t-shirt, which they've never listened to every metal. There are walking fucking contradictions. Now you're going, Georgia, why would you care about that? I'm caring, not because I'm what I'm caring because what are you doing to yourself? Listen, man, since I remember, I never went anywhere. I never wanted to go. Really? I did it like maybe twice and I learned my lesson. That feeling of being somewhere that you don't really want to be there. Yeah, you just tried to please somebody to take a girl on a date to music. You don't even like like what the fuck? I got to go listen to opera music and I got to sit there all night with that stupid look on your face. This is great. We have to come to more opera. Listen, once I put it here, once I put it in your ass, there ain't going to be no more opera. I'm just saying this to you for it. It's just so that's why I get mad. You know, when I went to a club, for example, in the city, first of all, I stayed in Georgia till three. You just don't earn your stripes and go to a club. You got to drink somewhere for four or five hours and do coke. Then we shot over there and we went to a club. It wasn't us getting VIP section. It wasn't us in the corner trying to be chic and fucking cool. It was people trying to get fucked up and trying to get from their shitty fucking lives. And it's something that you've talked about for a while, but I feel it because things get so expensive now. You go with, you get so excited for it that I find myself sometimes not lying. Do you have a good time? You're like, you say you did, but it's like also you're like, if I admit that I didn't, was it this waste of $500? Was this the waste of a whole night? And I'm trying to think, there are just some things that you run into by I had a show in Hartford this weekend and I got there early and they had a breakdancing competition. So I smoked a joint and watched white people breakdance and it was free from anyone who was from I've had and there were some of them were really good and some of them was like their first time when those were almost better, but it was like I didn't plan to go to, you know, like you said, something that you don't really care about that no one really cares about. It's just so expensive now and it's, but there is still stuff that's fun and it's free or it's cheap. It's free because you're really, it's fun, not free. Nothing's free. It's fun because, hey, you really want to do it. You work a nine to five, you're low trucks, your girlfriend's coming with you, you got to deal it and give you acid. What I'm just being fucking serious here, okay? And then you get this shit that's like, because I felt this young at a young age. I don't know, maybe I'm unbroken, but I would feel like, what am I doing here? What am I doing here? Yeah. Why didn't I even come here? Why? Yeah, well, Joey, you need to get out of house. No, no, no, this is one of those situations. I should have stayed in the house with the curtains drawn. Yeah. It's better than coming here. You know, I'm like, Oh, yeah. And a lot of times I paid for shit. I got a new thing now. I live in Jersey, and everybody knows this. If I don't have two people a day, talking about the new restaurant they went to. And I don't mind. Everybody has fun restaurants, but I sit there and I go with all the Italian restaurants, you're going to tell, you know, and again, I don't question them, but there's what goes on in my mind. With all the great Italian restaurants in Jersey, you know, I'm going to be honest with you, I've been to like 10 restaurants. Will I go there again? Because I'm going to leave there going, George. That was fucking good. Like that particular dish was that fucking good. The best dish I've had the last three months is when I found the chicken teriyaki place in Clifton with the salad, just like they made it for us in Seattle. Like the food court chicken teriyaki. Yeah, but there's a level up. Oh my god. You know, and it cost me what? $12. You know, $12 fucking dollars. I've always said this. I hate mentioning this. I've seen people come through this. For example, our former friend that sleeps with the fishes now, Ralphie, man, I was there. I was there. And we had a lot more fun with no money than what we had with money. I know people going to look at me and go, you're a fucking retard. That's it. I'm telling you the truth. When we would go back then, we'd have $8 between us. And we'd walk out of rock and roll rocks with a turkey, or a steak, somebody robbed a steak. And we'd get lettuce and tomato and you'd giggle in the car like two packets. Those are the best days of my life, guys. You know, you just said it. You went to some place and you just saw fucking break dancing festival. And whatever it was, a couple of white kids break dancing. And you smoked a joint. You really got to kick out of it. Yeah. That's one thing. It's when we pay for something, leave there. And we can we maybe we may be confused. The woman we're with or the friends were with for the food. And you justify dog. I just dropped 600 bucks on three of us. At least I don't remember the thing. It's like when you go to a movie now, who don't movie? And I want you to ask yourself on the way out. Name just what just happened. It was like three or four movies that went through the last couple of years. Then I'm like, what just happened? And what was the memorable scene when I walked out? I remember being a kid and going to movies with you and walking out there for the first 35 minutes. We didn't shut the fuck up. How funny he was. We got shot in the head. Now we get in the car and we're like, what was that? Yeah. Especially the big, the big thing for me is like a try like a week later. And this is nothing against Michael, be Jordan or any of them. I watched centers a week later. I couldn't. I didn't remember it was a vampire movie. I had forgotten all about like it just didn't. It just doesn't click anymore. Now, and you know, I understand your thing with like some guy, somebody it goes, or you know, whatever your wife comes home and goes, some guy told me that this restaurant and they wouldn't double date with us and you're like, okay, one was the last time I double dated. Right. And you end up going in, you know, the foods okay. You're not paying for the food. You're paying more for the fucking, let me, let me pour the wine, taste it, you know, and you're a big shot. You're not paying for that food. Now, food's fucking a horse food. 90% of it is it, especially in New York City, especially in Jersey. But I feel that people spend, when you spend the big amount and then you come home, you're, you have to say it was good instead of saying what you really felt. Listen, we went to Miami for three days. I don't remember a thing that happened. It's April. Right. And this was December. It was an okay trip. But while I do it again, didn't fit me, my wife and my, the kids that hold me. No, just didn't fit. You go back and you know, he brought up looking back later, you're like, oh, yeah, this was a lot of time. It's more, you know, kids 12, 13 year old kids don't understand that or they want to be fucking Cardi B. You know, they're going to be Cardi B. They have a good time. And they don't know about that fucking world. So there's a lot of things that even I've learned to say, hmm, right. You know, I'm not looking for something to be bad. I'm optimistic. I'm looking for something to be great. Right. When you tell me about a restaurant, I'm looking for that to be fucking great. Like, you know, especially if I know you a long time, that's why I don't yell or listen to jerk off that, you know, yeah, I don't, I don't. I don't know how you do that. Do you only take recommendations? I'll be like, I'm savages. I don't look on yell, but I look on Google. I'll be like, how is this a? Wow. Google, you could pay for recommendations and all that. That's true. I want somebody telling you from their heart. I want somebody telling you, hey, man, what do you think of Ming's Chinese restaurant? I fucking love Ming's. But I tell you what, man, I never had a bad meal at Ming's. But China's us is a little better than 15 minutes away. I appreciate that. Right. Then just telling me how great and because what you think is great, I go for the simple stuff. I'm not kind of going there for something. I'm going to get what they should know if they fuck it up. It's over. We don't come back. Do you ever have you ever gone anywhere because it was on Instagram? I want to. Right. Yeah. And then I wake up the next one. I go, I ain't going to fucking Robertsville. There's a few places. They look great. All that shit looks great. But again, I don't want to come, I don't want to drive three hours for a fucking sandwich. Right. A sandwich ain't going to make me a fucking break. What would it have to be like a steak of peaceful? What would you have to see, be like, this is, is there anything ever that you'd be like, I would drive two hours for this meal? It would have to be maybe like some quarter sushi or even a nice steak, something that, you know, I'm not going to go to your restaurant because of price. I'd rather somebody save dog. I went to this place. We spent a hundred bucks and eight of a state. I don't want to go there because you're serving me a 30 dollar piece of, what's the big steak? A port house. Right. If you say to me, I have a 99 dollar port house. Why did I expect it? I'd be a day or everybody else has a port house for a buck 50. What are you being a critic over there? See, that would get me. Yeah, I would get you. And so you get there and you read that first, you're seeing the taste buds, you see, no, you're not thinking about the taste buds. You're thinking about the 60 you saved. And then, but then after you leave there, you go home and you ship blood for two hours and you'll never tell nobody, you'll blame it on everything else. It was a mild cold. It was that fucking monkey meat you ate the other day. I like this restaurant in Northburg and it's called the Palmas. Okay. And until this day, it's a pound for pound restaurant. I mean, the prices have gone up, but it's what you want. They always give you a lawyer. He goes, he gets dinner for three nights. Oh, nice. Out of one night. I thought he eats a lot. But if he gets to a zanya, then comes a zine or something to give you a piece of bread. Right. You know, that's something that I applaud because you're at least trying to fucking help the blue collar guy. Do you ever? I even even like the local sandwich place where I was growing up every time I went and he'd give you a bag of lays and a piece of baklava for free. And like it, I don't know, it just made it made your day like, I mean, you let me know. You let me know you're in my corner. Right. You know, I went to a gas station the other way back from the dojo and these motherfuckers had a truck load of water. Just out. I could have taken one and nobody would have said nothing. Okay. I mean, pile after pile. There wasn't no communist water. It was that nonzani water, whatever the fuck it is. And that's not realized. We're paying $2 for these bottles every once in a while. Yeah. $3, those people should be ashamed themselves because if you put that many bottles on fucking the turnpike and nobody robs them, they're not worthy, yeah, they're not worth it. It's no one gives you anything anymore like even even remember you went to the bank and got lollipops. I haven't seen nothing like that. I used to law a chubby kid on Saturdays and put out munchkins. I would go to the bank every Saturday. I fuck it. Oh my God. It made your day like something free. I don't know. It just makes you, it makes it feel better to do that they fucking care. Yeah. That's it. It makes me feel like they fucking care just a little bit. I don't want you to care about me all the time. But just a little bit for that day. It feels kind of special. Yeah. Hey, but I rice pudding on the way out. My wife just made it. Try it. It's on the house. You got me a second time. You have to rice pudding sucks and it comes with a hair on it or a snot from your nose. You got me because you let me know you're on my corner. It's these, it's these people just don't stop. It's just, it's just never stops. I don't really level. And they're trying to get you on more to different level. And you're like, you have no interest in me. Dude, I don't, I'm not a cheap person. But if I go to a place and you know, you know, I drink, I drink diet coke. If I go there, hey, if it's in cans, I get pissed off because then I know there's no free refills. But if I go to a restaurant that it's not a can and they charge me for a second cup of soda, like, it's enough for me not to go again. I get pissed. I get angry. And I don't know. I feel like I feel like they're, they're, they're fucking with me. Why don't you want the cans for the small buck 50? And because it's not the small buck 15. It's like five bucks for a can of coke. Yeah. At a lot of these places, four bucks, four, 55 bucks. You better go back to water with that. It works to me. It'll work for you. Let's take a breather. We'll be right back tip top mother fucking magoo. What's going on beautiful people this episode of the church is sponsored by better health. Listen, stressing about money can affect your mental health. It's important to remember you're not in this alone. Better help is a great way to find affordable mental health care on your terms with a trusted professional couple of years ago. I had a couple of issues. I contacted better help. They connected me with a counselor. And here I am. Here I am, living, thriving. Better helps question that will help you identify your needs and preferences. If you're not happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time with over 30,000 therapists. Better help is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms. Now, when life feels overwhelming, therapy can always help solve. Do me a favor. Sign up today with better help and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/dsdiaz. That's better help.com/ds. Again, that's better help. Better H-E-L-P.com/ds. Thank you for choosing better health. And thank you for watching the podcast. Hey, Uncle Joey. Listen, you want another secret to better sex? Blue, true gold. Blue, true gold is a four and one tablet designed to increase blood flow and the rosal and it dissolves under your tongue and gets you in the mood. So you can be ready to rock in as little as 15 minutes. I love blue, true. Let me tell you something. My pipe still works with 63, but I want some water and these that affect behind it. That's when I pop a blue, true gold. And it's all over the shop for mama. Don't let your mind get in the way of a good time. Sometimes you start tripping on it. You drop that blue, true gold and forget about it. Discover your options at bluechew.com. Again, we got a special deal for the church family. Right now, you can buy two months of blue, true gold and get a third month for free with promo code Joey again. Buy two months of blue, true gold and get a third month for free with promo code Joey. That's promo code J O E Y. So visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And I want to thank Blue Choo for always having our back and sponsoring the podcast. We're back. Check. Anyway, I want to talk to you guys about some real quick. I never like to do this, especially on YouTube, because they kill you for everything. But what 20s around the corner? And listen, in my world, what 20s every day? But maybe once a while, something comes out that I want to tell you guys about. I purchase a lot of rhythm products. I feel rhythm is a high end type marijuana. They got a great place. I think in a broom field is one of their stores. But, you know, they've got the brownie scout and they've got the animal face and they've got the absolute delight. Those all great indicators. But every, I think twice a year, they released a clean collar. I would love to open this up and show you the presentation of this because they'll make you a wig flip like it did mine. Okay, you've got a fancy restaurant. They dope it up for you. Nice. It's just a carrot, but they make it look like fucking Johnny Flambé made it. So the same thing with this, but the problem with Queen Colors, it takes you to a different level. You understand me? You open up both these little doors of death and then they're lies. You dare and the this house. So if you're not doing anything for 420, get yourself down to a rhythm dispensary and take a chance like Columbus, he did. Why not you? I love rhythm products. I always keep plugging them for a while. Yeah, I've been popping that stuff for a while. So listen, this 420, do it right. We're a little Queen Colors and some products from rhythm. All right, guys. Thank you. Anyway, what's up dog? Dude, I'm like, I'm releasing. I did. You always give me shit for not doing mushrooms. So I did mushrooms on right before I went on stage with opening up for Josh. And I went, it was the first time I've done them before and never really kicked in. It kicked in on stage. So I'm releasing like 20 minutes. Where were we on the next time? I'm releasing the day afterward. Oh, okay. The literally the day after. Yeah. All right. Why I had to get I had to get a ready and I thought 420 would be a good day to do. I'm 420. Yeah. All right. Yeah. We're going to be a Nashville for 418. I'm going to get back. We're going to get fucked up on the way back. Why not on the way there? Because way there way back. There's no casinos this time. Right. We're just going to be downtown, you know. Oh, so excited. But I'm very listening, man. I want to thank all you people who came to all the shows. From since last year, I've been on a hell of a schedule for me with what I got going on. And I tell you, man, I'm really impressed how they all went. I got two shows this week that I'm down for six weeks. Excuse me, a little chance to write. I've been making notes. I want to what I want to write about next. So it's been great. And I appreciate you and Becky and fucking Pedro and whatever's name is Vixedenio Hector. You know, I appreciate them because you guys inspired me. When I got here, I didn't want to look at a fucking stage because I thought it was all going to be like Los Angeles, but I like doing comedy in the bottom run again. I don't mind it. It's good for you. It shows you character. And when you run with these young cats, they fucking inspire you, man. Right. This time Becky hits me. She's like, you going out there? I'm like, I was the last thing I was thinking about. She's going to do two spots. Right. You know, so it really, you've been very inspirational. You go out a lot. And that's why last week, I was like, I want to run with those youngsters. I got to up my game a little bit. So this is why I came to the decision of going to Austin for a week or two. Yeah, I think a fucking thing and just, I just want to do what I do, baby boy. Because I got to be honest with you, the most like depressed I get in the standup is right before late show Saturday or right after late show Saturday when you don't have a Sunday show. Yeah. Because when the week when the weekend's over, I get sad. Like there's, it's like summer camps over. I don't like it. Listen, as much as I don't like working Sundays, I always get sad of saddling it. Yeah. For a split pubic app of time, I say to myself, I wish there was a Sunday show. Yeah. Fuck you. I'm not waiting all day for one show. That's going to be, you know, people tie or people have to go to work. I didn't like it. So, and I'm not making excuses. I'm just telling you how I react to Sundays. Right. I don't want to be there. But it is kind of interesting when you look in like, like some people who tour and they just go when it's every day, like whether it's music or comedy, like there's some people who make a work. You can go any day of the week. Yeah. For anywhere, like, uh, Sandler when I went to our Sandler. It seems like these, well, what these big guys are doing now is they'll just go out and do shows every night, but then they're done touring in a month. That's a great way to do it. - Right. - Listen, that's a great way to do it. But how long will I sustain that act? How long can I sustain it? What work for me then isn't gonna work for me now. - Right. - And I know it's just going in. Before I get a bunch of my friends involved in a 30 day tour and what you're gonna do in my family, I make my wife do it. I'm a little on the old side. - Oh, I know, yeah, yeah. Her Christ is a fucking animal. He's gonna go out whatever. But everybody else pretty much keeps on a fucking love. Okay, I ended like Kevin James does six week tours where he does Wednesday through Saturday. He drives. He don't fly. So I give him all the fucking credit in the world. I'm gonna fucking hate my lane. But he'll drive those fucking gigs. That's all great and dandy too. For me, what works is doing exactly what I'm doing. And sometimes I'm ashamed of myself for not picking it up a little more. I have a wife and a child and I have friends. But at the same time, it's gotta work for me. The Rolling Stones go on tour. They do two, three nights maybe. They take a night between shows. - Oh yeah. - They have to shoot up testosterone and get their levels back up. At that age, if I told you guys, yeah, let's get a bus and do a 30 day from Maine to Miami tour by 9/11, I'm done. - I can see that. - I can't, first of all, I can't write fast enough. But you know what I mean? Most people don't change up the material at my board to pieces by the little night 11. And it's seven nights a week and that's never gonna happen. - Right. - A lot of those guys have traveled. So it's not really seven nights, but you have to take what works for you. Not everybody's different. And you have to accept that. Everybody's different. It's how bad do you really wanna do this? - Right. - And I get that in 25 years. - I mean, if there was a 5 a.m. spot, would you get up and go do it every morning? - Yeah. - You would? - Yeah. - 5 a.m. stand up comedy. - I would love to. - 100 people in the audience. - 100 people, fuck yeah. Oh my God. I thought for 15, but I'm still new. Like I'm still like the kid in the candy store with this. I was just gonna say in 25 years, I'm sure I'll get. But like, if you told me I could do an early morning spot and who knows how it would go, I would try it. I would love to try it. - You know, so everybody's different. - Oh, that's to do that in Vegas. - You know, in a year or two, you're gonna sign with a booking manager and they're gonna come at you with everything. You wanna one day, you're always gonna look at you and go, enough. I feel like. - Enough, you gotta take three weeks at home. - Right. - And because they don't see, they see what you don't see. They don't see the law, they just see it tired. You know, it just takes you in. There's periods for that. When I was single, remember when I was single, comedy was Tuesday through Sunday. - Yeah. - You had Monday nights off. You pulled that off. - That was for a long time. - Yeah, single. But that's not gonna work with a wife or some of your engaged, I wanna talk about the dresses. You know, I don't talk about no fucking dress. - Right. - How do I have to wear a dresser? Just put the fucking dress on. But those are little things. So at every level, you have different necessities. Number one, the number one necessities money. The reason why we do this, the reason why we quit are low paying dishwasher job and got into comedy. And then you need money, you have to work. So it's always like a weird balance. You talking to somebody who for 10 years didn't know balance. - Right. - I didn't have no idea what balance was. I just thought that if somebody gave me $20 a night and over and they offered me a spot, I wanna be a better comedian, I wanna make a little money. $20 wasn't gonna fucking pay the rent, but it made a dent towards it. - Right, I'd love to get $20 a spot now. Me getting 20, it doesn't happen that often. There are sometimes it does, but I'm in a stage right now where I'm saying yes to too much, but I'm also like, I feel like I'm sucking dick to try to get as many spots as I can. - Me, you're at a level of that's what you gotta do right now. - Right. - That's what you gotta do, so fucking be it. - Oh, I don't mind, yeah. I don't. - So be it, Lee, that's what it calls for right now. - I'm gonna sit here like a man and tell you I didn't do that. - Right. - Tell you I didn't laugh at somebody that's joking. (laughing) - I'm gonna try to get a Tuesday. - The club owner's jokes, yeah. - That's funny, man, that's great. (laughing) - Yeah. - When am I coming back? - This is part of the game. - Yeah. - And then one day you go, whoa, whoa, whoa. I think I'm starting to sell myself. I think it's time to get an hold of the old Lee Sayat. I forget I'm a fucking Jew seven days a week. - Oh, yeah. - Okay, and then you start remembering things and you get peace of yourself. And listen, I get a little upset with you, especially last Monday, when you said that you can't wait to get to the level to pick and choose. I appreciate it. - Uh-huh. - Guess what? I'm gonna tell you a surprise. You are at that level. - I don't feel like it. - You don't listen to what I'm saying. - Okay. - I can't control what George is thinking or whatever. But you're at the level that you can look to George straight in the face and go, I'm not doing it. - Right. - I'm not doing it. And George will tell you that once I get a bug up my ass about not doing something, you're done. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - You're done, even if it can make me money. I just don't like where this is going. Where am I going after this? - This is the things we don't think about as a young comment. - No. - You know, last week, you had an interesting question. Do I do this thing or do I do another room? It's a room. It's four walls. And they got a name that says comedy in front of it. - Right. - I read you, you're gonna get more out of that than some pipe dream, headlining, come on. - Right. - It's an after a while. You're like, I get it. I really want to be flattered and maybe sell 200. But, you know, those shows that don't promote everything's a joke. I rather you get something for the money. Dating when you're 23, right? It's completely different than dating when you're 35. - Yeah. - Now things are getting serious. You've gotten VD already. You got cheated on. You fucked the one girl sister. Now it's time to make just a little bit more smaller choices. - Right. - Same thing with comedy. But it worked at 25, ain't gonna work at 35. It's definitely not gonna work at 45. And I'm here to tell you. So, it's what? It's decisions that you let happen. We, this is comedy is you. When somebody tries to tell me comedy and puts a blame on somebody, I lose them as a friend. I can't take that. Don't call me during the position because of comedy. I know 30 people have done it and they've done it the right way. And I didn't do it the right way for the first. Listen, when I get on you, it's because I didn't see the light 'til I was 12 years in. - Really? - Yeah. - What happened to 12 years in? - I got a girlfriend who told me I was a fucking idiot. (laughing) And a girlfriend who told me I was a fucking idiot to look at that schedule. See how that schedule makes any sense? Why are you doing that? For 75 dollars, Joey. Right. You've been in Spider-Man too. You've been in your regular store. You want a Mad TV. Come on. And I'm not. Listen, that meant nothing. I saw what she was coming from. But at the bottom, what she was trying to say to me is you've put the work into this. Why are you spinning your fucking wheels? Just to do a spot. And guess what? We lost our fucking wheels. It's very sad. But how do you learn how not spinning your wheels when you look at the results in your bank account? (laughing) That's how you know. Look at your bank account from the money you do, from the work you do. None of us take our things seriously. We always think, when we walk into the shop, we always think we're the worst employee at the shop. You're not looking at it correctly. You're not looking at it. So when my wife told me at first, I wanted a smacker. I'm not going to lie to nobody. Because the worst thing in the world is a woman being fucking right. (laughing) You know what I'm saying, my wife? You know, we refuse to take that. I think you're wrong. She's right. She's right. Why are you doing this? What's the point? Well, maybe there's no fucking babies. Can't you do a spot at a stand that night, yeah, go to the stand? Yeah, but it's go to the stand. Because for the money you're going to spend in driving, the tires, you drive a car that every morning, you get in and go, "Hala, it's going to get me to the comedy store." Now you want to take the car to Modesto, right? You know, there's just so many fucking things, Lee. You know, I used to, but I remember calling George one time. I booked a gig that I would have put George through hell. I didn't even know where the gig was to the week of. I had to take a plane to Newark and then rent the car and go two and a half hours into Pennsylvania. - Oh, no. - And do the same on Sunday morning. Faye Halaalus, the plane's 350. The car's one-fifth deadline. - I'm getting like 150 a show or something, 200 a show to prove a point. But I'm a headliner in some town in Pittsburgh where ain't nobody gonna see you. Some town in Pennsylvania, where ain't nobody gonna see you. The Mormon and the town pastor gonna see you. Ain't nobody gonna see you. - Right. - And the hotel's probably gonna smell funny. All that shit. You have to end that's when she was right. Like, I looked and I had a George, I'm not coming. George is like, really? I'm not coming. I'm not fucking getting off the plane, driving two hours. It's just, I'm killing myself to live. That's basically on top of each page of your schedule, but killing yourself to live. - Mm-hmm. - That described as my tour right now, because what you're doing with Carmen is the same thing we do here. It's the law of diminishing returns. So I do 30 days straight out of the tour, but then I can't walk for a month or a half. - Right. - Because you follow me. So these are the mistakes we make as young comics, as young framers, as young plumbers, as young fucking construction workers. That's just a common mistake. We wanted to move that far along, but you're doing the, you know, it's like when some of these says to me, and companies still have a price leader. - Correct. - Everybody has a loss leader. - A loss leader, price leader, whatever the fuck the word is. - I'm George, I know all the word. - No, loss is your number one word, especially when it comes out of their pockets. - Yeah, they still have them. - You have these things that you sell to hook people to come in. And I appreciate that, okay? I appreciate the loss leaders or whatever, but what, what I'm trying to get those losses after what we become those, we become generic. - Right. - And I don't want you to be generic. - So you think I could already turn stuff down? - I don't want you to go on with that attitude that you're just turning stuff down, but I want you to go with the attitude. Listen, like 15, 12 years in, and if I'm lying to you, I'm a fucking lightning strike. I had a draw thing, I had a right other thing. Before you take any gig, I want you to talk. I think it was nine things. - Okay. - What's it gonna do for you? How much are you making? What type of booker? Just to slow you down. Why? Because we're fucking awards. (laughing) You have the same problem, George. I mean, times you wore yourself out, at the end of the job, you made what? $110 on a product you should have made $400 on, because you didn't know that they were gonna put you through hell. Right, oh, you gotta come over and hang it, and then you get there. It's two beams to fucking know where, and you don't even have a helper. - Yep. - We go over our head. And that's why those 12 things, those nine things I wrote. I'm gonna find it. I'm gonna say if I find it. - I'm gonna say, I would love to know what it is. - It's everything. Who else is on that schedule? Why would I want to go to that schedule if they got bumps on there, and now my face, now I'm in a post office, instead of being by myself, I don't mind sucking by myself, but I want to suck before all the people that take me down to that rabbit hole. - Right, just because you're associated with them, yeah. You're on the schedule with them. That face is there. These guys, you know, shooting pineapples or something in the air, they can stand invasions. I don't wanna be with that, that motherfucker. And the bottom one is, what is this gonna do for you? At that time, I had the comedy store, right? So, if you wanna give me my spots, no worries. I got four spots. I got Willie Barcelona, give me a spot. I got Felipe, give me a spot. I got head, give me a spot. That's eight spots. I didn't make, or I didn't make the measly for 50 that were gonna pay me, and they even asked me if I, and then you have to get that on your own. That's 120 and fucking Uber. Yeah, all these things that are on, we've just spoke about the unmarked prices of comedy, the shit that you don't even add into the budget. And all of a sudden, and listen. To 2006, I was on a loser schedule, like on a loser pay plan. For 16 years, 15 years, I was getting the money everybody else was getting. And the bottom line is, how do I switch that? How do I get 16, 50 with a plane ticket? Instead of 1500, with a 300 out of 11 on a plane ticket. And sometimes you stay by, and you say, no, no, no, no, and then the thing opens up, and there you are, what you want it. Because you did take a, it's like Trump's tariffs. Okay, those tariffs that's saying right now, we're not gonna see the results of them, but in two years, and it's the same thing. Hopefully, yeah, that's right. - So I look at it like that. I look at this, but there was gigs I was doing, and I was doing for the number, and the number was down in the corner at the store. I'm just trying to get the 35 spots a month. So I would do it, I would be a loser to take it, because when you go there, guess what? The shows run a lake, 'cause the lake is a plan. So now my spot at the comedy store is fucked, and so is my spot at the improv. It's fucked because I wanted to be a guy of own, and try to screw you already gotta spot the improv in the fucking comedy store. Well, do you want all of them? - Oh, let me go up to, and this gig was an, you know, up there, like up to 170, no, no, I want the 170. - Okay. - Which is completely different world. It's not the 101, that's why it splits. (laughing) So that was, and this goes, applies to anything in life. You know, it's like, I was getting to before, it's like the snow shoveler. It's like the guy that comes on your block, and he gets me, you, and George, as customers. - Okay. - And then he goes, you know what? I'm here already. Let me knock on these people's doors, and he'll take two jobs way before, way under the mow we paid. Just to do that. And for two weeks, it's great for scheduling until one day he's back and half the snow trunk, and he runs over to a statue. - Wow. (laughing) - Out of the door. - No, I was gonna say the statue's the best thing you could run over here instead of the kid, but it's the statue of the dog they loved. But when they brought back from Austria with them, you know, right. So what was the sense of it? - Right. - And nobody knows that after the beginning. Nobody knows how to think that way. It's something that you learn, and you know, why am I doing that? When we were talking about the other night, you already got a spot. Why are you running across town in a cab? You can't afford to do a guest spot in a club that it's gonna be 50-50. I believe in taking chances, but that wasn't a chance. I would have taken five years later. - Right. - I would have said, I'm here. I'm already in your neighborhood. - Uh-huh. - You could tell already I wasn't headlining at the time, but I'm headlining. If I had line there, what can I have line you? And go through it a different way. - Right. - And me having, but I was aggressive in that sense. But when I was $80 light, and two bombs later, how bad did I fucking feel? It's like going to a jet game with the jersey on, the helmet, and the soup boring, and they get buried 44 or nothing. And now you gotta run the train back with that helmet on. - It was a helmet with your face painted. That's exactly how you feel. When you bomb after you ask for a spot, it's the worst. - That's all I ask of anybody. And that's all I ask of myself is, a fucking, yes, I had to bring the garbage can back in. - Okay. - I was sitting there and I'm like, I could just go out there and bring the garbage can. Hold on, let me take some garbage out. Go get the garbage can, thrown in the garbage, on the way back, I'll get the mail. And I'm, you know what I'm saying? - Right. - And that's how you have to look at standup. - Yeah. - Or any occupation you have. It's scheduling, it's your time. - Do you think, and this is a weird question for me to ask, but do you think it's almost better to do something that you don't love? So that way you don't turn into a whore or you don't do stuff just because you love doing it? Like we both are doing stuff that we love, but is it almost better to be like, yeah, I'm good at it, but I don't like it. - Well, I'll tell you what. Think of a confidence level that you'll get from being a whore to closing your legs. - Oh, I can't wait. - Okay, and here's the better thing. Once you stop being that whore and close your legs, what's gonna happen? Why don't you wanna give me pushy, Lee? - Right. - 'Cause it's that good, and you gotta pay for it. And you gotta pay for it. Here's a secret I won't tell you. I won't tell anybody. I love doing comedy, but as a business side for me now, you'll never see me on the Friday and Saturday. 'Cause you gotta pay me on those legs. - Right. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, I'll take a short check. I'm happy to be out of the house, but Friday and Saturday, there's no coming to your show and waving, there's no coming down and doing a guess that because it lowers my price. Well, at least that's in my head. - Right. - Do you want me to go there Friday night? - That's right, you gotta raise that. You gotta raise that just a little bit. Not much, I'm not greedy, but better yet. No, you have to raise that all the way. 'Cause it's Friday night. I could be doing something to make that full paycheck. You asked me to come down, here for you and I don't even get involved in that no more because you Aaron Pedro or you motherfuckers are getting to a level that if I walk in a room, it's gonna hurt you. I'm doing that because I want to be Johnny popular. Do I really need to go watch Lee? I've seen Lee puke. I don't need to go to the stand up. I've seen Lee fart and puke and the whole fucking thing. What am I going there for? Is my really going there to see Lee or am I going there? What's that when you do something without knowing? Like am I going there to shit on Lee? It's like a walk in the room and be a big shot. I'm taking the night away from Lee. It's not about me. It's about fucking Lee. Same thing with Pedro has me two weeks ago. Come up, roll up for you all to anything. But again, I'd rather not. It's about you brother. Right. Once you hate when you work hard hard hard. Also, somebody makes them about them. Boy, do I get pissed off? Oh yeah. Because you've worked on it. There's always that one clown that wants to zip in. And oh my god, I'm here and you're like bitch, we're the ones that did the legwork. Yeah. Now you want to walk in it. It's like I told you years ago people hadn't spoken to me years or call me up and go let me come by and do a guess that. Don't work that way. It's a business now. I'm not doing the eight o'clock show with fucking Willie's garage comedy club. We're in a fucking theater. I haven't seen you in 10 years. You haven't even kept in touch with me. And now you're calling me out of the blue to go in front of the sold off sold out audience. I don't think it doesn't work that way. It doesn't work that way. You have more of a chance for me to come up to you and go and hey bro, we're doing Saturday night. Come on. Come do 10 minutes. But I only got six. Who gives a fuck? 10 minutes. Come see what that feels like. Yeah. I'm going to pay you and I'm going to lose a little money. But I'm going to make that money back in three weeks because I just did something for somebody. I scared the shit out of that motherfucker. People don't go to a great adventure to stay dry. Right. I was saying they're going to get wet like everything else. And I just gave him a chance at that. I didn't do it for anything. I did it just to see his face. Yeah. You just said how I like last week I said I was very excited to be able to turn stuff down. Something else I'm like almost I probably even more excited for is getting to repay like the favors that like you, Josh, Jess and me, all the people that take me out. Like when I'm touring, I like to be like, Hey, you want to come and do like that? Because I know how excited they'll be. I don't know who I'm going to ask it. But I just know like I'm excited to be able to hear you want to come do some shows with me and like they'll be so happy because it's I'm saying you want me to come and open for you. If you would, it looks in no hotel, but there's no hotel. You want me to come open for you. Where do you see me? Open for you. Listen, I've been in 20 years. I'm all shit. I can't make the rent that leas take me on the road and change my diet position. Oh my god. Listen, man, I take that shit really seriously. I know what it takes are human being to be kind and I know what it takes are human being to be kind and supportive and everything on top of it. I know what that takes, especially in today's world. You're busy. People have a lot of things going on in your mind. You just look at them. Maybe they haven't paid the mortgage in three months. Maybe they're not eating. Maybe they got a disease that they don't want to tell anybody. When I started into comedy, I took the people not only who helped me in comedy, but who helped me in life. That was there for me. And I was out of my way to tell a name and that time you did that. This is why I did this. So you could see that whatever love that you put into me was not in vain. At that time when I told you I need a 10 bucks to get them like gay and you gave me those 10 bucks knowing I'm a junkie. Knowing I'm a junkie, but you believe me enough, I gotta make you proud. Yeah. At one point, this is about you. Not about me anymore. It's me doing something with you in my background. I'm thinking about the time we let me sleep as fast for 30 days and let me fucking, you know, borrowers car to go do comedy sets. Yeah. That's very big to me. That's bigger than them below. Just acknowledging that person and saying, hey, man, remember that time? Because most people forget they even did an act of trying this. Yeah. Well, the nice people do. The people who hold it over your head. The ones that hold that will be at our NASA. But what he and like, that would be great. But honestly, at the level I'm at and maybe just getting out of it, but even still just like a week or two ago, I went to the stand after we recorded an Aaron Berg got me a spot on the on frantic. No, there's no money. I didn't ask for any, but there's no promise of getting past there. But just I'll never forget the first show I got offered. The guy who runs the fourth wall had a show in his apartment. And he asked me to do it. And the rug was crusty. There was fishing pole. But it was like, to me, I was playing Madison Square Garden. I was so excited. So just any time I'm like, just so excited. I guess it's selfish. But just to be able to offer people shows, I'm like, that's like, you know, the most fun. I get to like make someone that happy. I used to have a guy in Colorado. I would call him up and like, like, man, I need money for the rent. I got a borrow money. He gone, no, no, no. I got three gigs for you. I'm to my show now. I'll give you money for the rent. Just do these three gigs, you know? I never forgot that motherfucker. I hit him up years later. And he's like, holy shit. Can't believe you hit me up on Mike Pro. Those shows used to give me and pay my rent. I'm great. Save my life. You saved my fucking life, you know? And I think that's the best feeling in the world. When you repay somebody, not to let them know their love didn't go to waste. You know, it's like those people that come over and go, George, I want to get into framing. And you tell them everything they need to know. You give them their hands, start a kid. You tell them about their fingers. You tell them everything you can. You even spend the week with you watching them. And then one day they come to you and they go, I did this and this and this. What? I just spent a week with you. Plus every day on the phone talking about this and you went and did the complete opposite. And it's failing. And then when it fails, then they call you, Hey man, yeah, fuck you. You hang up on them. I told you the first time you picked my brain for 10 hours. I get opened up my heart to you. And then you call me and said, you're going to do it your way. Okay, do it your way, but don't ever fucking bring that number again, telling me that didn't work out for you. Because I ain't got the time. I really don't. I got like two of those people now that call me one day. And I'm like, why are you calling me with this shit? Because I know it's never going to go anywhere. This is the same conversation. I've been getting for 20 years. I'm never going to go anywhere. You're just talking. That shit bothers me, man, anymore. It just hurts my feelings. What hurts my feelings? Yeah. My time will do so. I might do it. And that's it. We move the fuck around. But I'm not going to call you and say, I need your help. You open your heart to me. And then two weeks later, well, I think I'm going to keep him from rising on state. Okay. Keep doing what you're doing. That's 50%. Right. That shit has always irritated me. That shit. Because you know, I'm not giving you the advice from the book I read. I'm giving you the advice from something I lived. I lived through this. This is not something that I made up. I saw the reaction. When you were watching, color is the new orange with your girlfriend. I was watching at the comedy club where it matters watching what life is going on. You know, comedy isn't about us being funny. That's half of it. You know what the other half of it? It's us learning about ourselves. That's why a lot of people, people don't last in comedy because they don't get labs. People last in comedy because they don't see. They don't want it. They don't they don't think they're ever going to see what they saw. What do you mean? Well, number one, it's hard work. But number two, I don't know how to explain this. When I joined you, Jiu-Jitsu, I know I was having a hard time breathing. So I did everything I could to adjust to breathing. When it didn't work, I actually wasn't got no surgery. It took over your coke rocks out. And all that stuff. Two months later, I realized that when I was on my back, I had anxiety. Six months later, I realized because I had an injury on my shoulder. I couldn't pass to my left side. I then I realized, I don't like when people's feet are in my face. They're in a fucking mountain, There's something right you learn all these things that you don't want to be in that position. But you know what I'm getting to you, I forgot how long ago the topic was, the subject was. But the reason why people don't laugh is because they don't, because you get to see your weaknesses. Oh, okay. Yes. Okay. That's what all stand up comedy really is. It's yes. It's making the consumer laugh, making them get out of his head, trying to trick them with comedy. That's all great. The other part of that is learning about yourself and what you can and can't handle. It's like bombing four nights in a row and one night, you just go off on the audience. When you leave there, you just didn't go off. You malfunctioned, motherfucker. Okay. You malfunctioned. Don't tell me that you're writing better material. We got to figure out why you malfunctioned. The material you're going to do nothing for you. I got 20 people right from me, why you malfunctioned. Do you think that works for everyone or it works, it's been working for 200 million fucking years. Okay. Why did this happen? Everybody writes it all. Most comics will say the audience was small, the sound level didn't sound good. It's every excuse in the world. Even if I know the sound wasn't good, you still malfunctioned because you didn't speak loud enough after you acknowledged it. Right. So for the next 20 minutes, you kept continuing speaking like a mouth. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Right. So that's you have to come to me and go where was the malfunction today. It's hard to look at it. When I entered arguing with George, I yelled at George about something. And the way home, I'm not mad at George, I'm mad at me because what drew me to this? What is really going on? It's George really standing in front of the door with his phone, knowing it's the busiest door in America. Looking around the fucking room. You know, you understand me? So my first reaction is not, you know, that's why I don't have time to think about politics. Or I don't have time to think about, you know, oh, well, the bridge is broken. You know why? Because I'm still worrying about what made me go and put handcuffs on the guy and tried to rob him and try to figure out how in my mind, I thought I was going to get away from it. It happened 50 years ago, but it can't happen again, and it'll never happen again. And now I'll see the signs when I see you acting a little creepy or George acting a little creepy because I went through that. Most people don't know how to do that. How is that not going to fucking ever happen again? Mm-hm. How is that never going to fucking, no, no, I'm not fucking around. How is this when I got out of the hospital the first time, like the third time, I was pissed for a month because how do you get put into the hospital three times in three months? Something's going on. Something's not right. I know. They came back with a clean result. You're going to live. Something's not right, right? Something put you in that hospital room three times. We got to get to the bottom of this shit, you know, and a lot of people don't want to do that. A lot of people. And there's a lot of things in life that make you look at yourself a little deeper, see what you're really made of. And when you realize that you're not made from that, I'll go play a piano. I'll go play tennis. I'll go fucking jungle balls at the circus because they don't want to deal with that. It wasn't the journey of getting fun here. It was the journey of them, how they could be that much fucking better. And that's what my journey went. When I beat myself up, I don't just beat myself up. I beat myself up. You use some shit that you've never heard before. You fucking miserable, spick loser, fell in mother fucker. What the fuck is your fucking problem today? And that's what I don't think people do themselves. They don't call themselves out. They don't have a long conversation with themselves. This cannot happen again. I don't care if I'm 20 or if I'm fucking 60. That's all comedy is is that in a journey that you're going to learn something new every day that you're going to get on stage every day. That by you sitting here with me and going look at George on stage, he really does suck word not self. When I heard in George, we're hurting ourselves by me going, no, George, you got a little better man. It's going to work out. Yeah. He's going through some shit. But it's going to work out. That's going to empower me when when I'm sitting with you and I go, fucking George is auditioning the sopranos. I wish he don't get it. No, the same neighborhood. If he got it, that means I could get it. Yeah. I was just thinking about this last night and I even I joked about it on stage. But do you remember Renee Vaca? Yeah. He did a fucking arena last weekend in Orange County. Yeah. We're like a bunch of rappers. Yeah. And like a bunch of it. Oh my god. He was always ahead of me because he was before me. But he did a fucking like a Toyota setter or something. Yeah. He invited me. It's fucking, and it's crazy. You can start in the same spot. But then like, you look up and like what did he do over the last few years that I did like, how is he in this space and how do I, again, me, the old me, and the Jew you would feel bad about ourselves. I did for a second. A second. Yeah. It's natural. Don't feel bad about yourself. You fucked up. You fucked it. That's a bitch. Okay. All those times. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Renee Vaca was drilling. Mm-hmm. It's like when Domara came on the podcast and he said he goes, I'm a, I'm a old basketball player. If I'm not playing basketball at midnight and my mind, he is. Mm-hmm. He's getting better. But I'm sitting. I got the ball. And hang out with this girl or watch TV. No. I got to call. I got to call. I don't know what you're talking about. And that's the difference. That's the difference that you have to assume that that guy is working. Yeah. Everybody's working. Everybody's going to get better. If you take an hour off, that's going to set you back a fucking year. That's what your mind is going through. And then people start hating you because you don't do anything. Right. Like, I'm not doing that tonight. Why? Because I got a spot. Yeah, but it's not a spot. It's a spot. It's like, it could be the garden. If I want to be in the garden, I have to treat this spot tonight. Had Joe's fucking all can. Like it is the garden. Right. And huh? Because I didn't get stand-up comedy. But one night I was doing an open mic, I got a fucking dump and Joe Leg was almost walked in. And I remember him taking that stage like he was at the garden. Everything was very serious. Meanwhile, all the other 20 idiots were bombing because I get high yesterday. What else do I want to talk about? Yeah. You know, he went up there like it was the fucking garden. He went prepared. Notes. His hair was combed. You go to an open mic. Have those people. They're homeless. Go get ready. Go take a shower. Yeah. Going up like a fucking, and then I don't get hired because you're 50 years old with a Mickey mouth shut on. And a fucking beard with white hairs and if they haven't trimmed, since your mother fucking had you. Yeah. And I'm not saying any names, and I'm sure he was a nice guy, but there was a comic in Worcester who would show up in a bathrobe. And it wasn't even like a clean one, but like he would come in and there was another guy in a squirrel costume. There was a bunch of people that it makes a huge difference when you go clean top a little bit. Yeah. A little bit. They paid $25 for you. They paid $10 for you. They paid $5 for you. And you're going up there with oil canary shirt on with a stain. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. Or it's wrinkled or you think that by not combing your hair makes you look cool. You're like you put a stick of dynamite in your fucking hair. You're performing for people. You can't sell a $10,000 product with a $10 per shoe. You're really big on what people wear on stage. It's really fun. No, it's not that I don't care what you wear on stage, but Jesus Christ, you can't go up there looking like a bus driver and expect to get comedic laps. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Everything, you know, you're making a presentation here. They have how many seconds till they decide that they judge it. 38 seconds or something like that and you want to go up there with shorts on and with flip-flops because you're cool and they're drinking your hand. Mm-hmm. I don't, I never understood that, right? I never understood that. Now some people say George, George's got to stick up his ass while if you want to do something, you have to put that stick up your ass at some point because if not, you're going to be like everybody else. Mm-hmm. And that's what you're trying not to be. Yeah. And it's hard. And it's hard because you see it working for other people so you want to like, oh, maybe I should try it. But yeah, it's-- Listen, man, what works for them is running up and down the restaurant or Dali, I give them power. For me, it's just whispering in front of the camera, not for me, Joey, but for you, it might be-- Right. You in front of a synagogue. Right. You never make videos by a synagogue. See, that's what I'm saying. It's tough to be a Jew these days. No, it's not tough to be. Oh, they don't like us now. Yeah. But you were Jew at a temple. Well, I don't say, just go and yell, you're going to pray and start shooting video. You did shoot the album cover and it's-- church. Maybe I should start going to temples. They love it. Jesus likes appearances. Oh, it's the way you act this week. This week tonight I'm at the mill in Bedford, Maine. It's a, what's it called? With someone, someone had a hearted, a comic had a heart attack. I'm already up in Maine. So I'm going to headline a show and then next Friday and Saturday. I'm in Greenville, South Carolina with Jess Maple. Look at you. Oh, yeah. Next Friday and Saturday, 24th and 25th, 24th and 28th and 18th and 18th. I'm with you in, in Nashville. All right. Just check it. Very excited. Motherfucker. I'll be at the Brooklyn in Prov Wednesday. Sold out to small room. And then Saturday is my last fucking show of the year. No, until the light gets fixed. Let's break in my heart already. In one way, I'm like, I'm happy to have the surgery, but I don't want to take the time off now. So I live in a fucking hell, but my knee will be better. I'll be more mobile on stage. Tap dance in Atlantic City. Then I should be back by June doing spots. Nice. That's how I look at it. I don't forget clean cola on 420. We'll probably, we'll see. We'll be be back here on 421, the rock you world. But that's it. That's all I got. I love you. I love you too, brother. Have a great week. You people at home have a great week. Wash that monkey. And don't forget who loves you. Uncle Joey does, Kirk Zucker.