What “Doing the Work” in Recovery Actually Means

Hey everybody, welcome to the Addiction Unlimited podcast where you get to learn everything you want to know about addiction and recovery. I'm your host, Angela Pugh, co-founder of Kansas City Recovery, Life Coach and Recovery and Alcoholic. To learn more about me, you can listen to episode zero on your podcast app or find us on the web at AddictionUnlimited.com. Hello, my friend. Welcome back to Addiction Unlimited. I'm your coach, Angela Pugh. And I'm really glad you're here today because I want to talk about something that comes up constantly in my coaching practice and I mean constantly. And I don't think it gets enough direct honest air time. I was talking to a client last week and I asked her, like, what are you actually doing every day for your sobriety? And she got quiet and then she said, well, when you put it like that, I guess I'm not really doing anything. And I want you to sit with that for a second because I hear this all the time, not just from her, but I had another client say almost the exact same thing to me a few months ago. And when I'm in my Facebook group, I see it there too, people who are trying, who want to do it, who are showing up and engaging and listening and reading and they still feel lost like they're doing something wrong, but they can't figure out what. And that happens because nobody ever really told them what they're actually supposed to be doing, right? Especially if you aren't doing any kind of meetings or don't have a sober network. If you're trying to figure it out on your own, you're really going to have a hard time. You hear this phrase, do the work. You hear it constantly in recovery spaces. Do the work. You have to do the work. Are you doing the work? It's everywhere. And if you're like most people, you hear that and you think, okay, I want to do that, right? I want to make sure I'm doing that. But what does that actually mean? What is the work? So you do the things that feel like work. You listen to podcasts. Yes, including this one. You read the recovery books. You join the Facebook groups. Download the worksheets. Do the challenges. You stay engaged with the recovery world and you feel like you're in it, like you're doing something right. And then life comes out of nowhere and throws you a curveball and you drink and you can't figure out what happened because you were doing everything you were supposed to do. That's what this episode is about because those things, the podcast books, groups, worksheets, they're not the work. They feel like the work, but they're not. And once you understand the difference, it's a game changer. So let's start here. The work is not external. All those things I just listed, podcasts, books, groups, worksheets, those are all external. They exist outside of you. You consume them. You take them in and there's real value in that. I'm not telling you to stop listening or reading or staying connected to community. That stuff matters. But here's what it can't do. It can't regulate your emotions for you. It can't set a boundary for you. It can't build your support system for you. It can't teach you how to sit with discomfort without reaching for something to make it stop. It can't do the internal work. And that's the whole distinction. The work is internal. You can listen to every episode of this podcast, read every recovery book ever written and show up in every online group every single day and still have zero tools when life gets hard. Because consuming information is not the same as building skills. Knowing about the work is not the same as doing it. So what does doing it actually look like? Well, first, it's learning your triggers and building real protection around them. Your first job in sobriety is to get real clear about what sets you off. And I don't just mean the obvious things, right? The bars, those certain people, the situations you already know are dangerous. I mean the ones nobody talks about hunger, exhaustion, feeling unappreciated, being over scheduled with no time to breathe loneliness at four o'clock on a Tuesday afternoon. You're witching hour, the moment your husband leaves town, the moment someone offers you something and you don't know how to say no, you have to know your danger zones, not in a vague, general way, but in a specific, honest, this is actually what happens with me way. Because once you know them, you can do something about them. You can make a plan. You can build protection. That's you getting serious about protecting what you're building. One of my clients right now just realized hunger is a major one for her. She had relapse a few weeks ago and we identified the culprits, right? Super long day, physical work all day, tired and shidney. We're all compromised when we're hungry, right? Hingry is a term for a reason. And she had another moment the other day and hungry was one of the first things that she mentioned. This time was different because she recognized what was going on and she knew how to solve the problem. But remember, we use halt for a reason, hungry, angry, lonely, tired. It's the perfect first checklist. All of these things make you vulnerable. They weaken your ability to fight. So you have to get real fucking clear about what triggers you the most and start putting things in place to solve that problem without a drink. Now she makes sure she has snacks and protein bars and things with her and in her car so she doesn't get past the point of no return. That's the work. Your first year of sobriety is practicing all of this stuff until its second nature where it becomes your default response without having to think about it. That's the work. Also learning to regulate your emotions. Here's something that's true for almost everyone in early sobriety. Your emotions are going to be big sometimes and they're going to be all over the place. That's not a sign, something is wrong. It's actually a sign. Things are working. Your brain is coming back online. Feelings you numbed for years are starting to surface. But alcohol was doing the regulation for you for a long time. It was how you came down after a hard day, how you stopped the spiral, how you got through the feelings you didn't know how to get through. And now it's gone, which means you need actual tools. Journaling breathing, movement, calling someone, meditation, going for a walk, whatever works for your particular brain. The goal is that when something hard happens when you get hit with stress or grief or overwhelm or anxiety, you have something to reach for that isn't a drink. Something that actually works. And this takes practice. You don't build this skill by reading about it. You build it by doing it over and over until it becomes your default response instead of a conscious choice. Building a new default response takes time and repetition. That's why it's a core focus for a long time. You have to get good at it. The next one is building a support system and actually using it. Not just having people in your corner, but using them. This is a big one because a lot of people in sobriety think support means having a list of names in their phone. And then when things get hard, they don't actually call anybody. They isolate and get quiet and tell themselves they don't want to be a burden and they don't want to talk about it and they'll handle themselves. That's not a support system. That's a contact list. A real support system means reaching out when things get hard instead of isolating. It means talking about what's actually going on instead of saying you're fine when you're not. It means being in a relationship with people who understand how your brain works because we have brains that create chaos and confusion and insanity around the clock. And we need people who get that. People who have been there, people who can help us make sense of what we're experiencing. Instead of just telling us it's going to be okay. That's the work. If you go to meetings, you go consistently and the work is getting good at going consistently and getting connected there to a point that you trust yourself to continue showing up. It means not just getting someone's number and texting them once or twice, but actually building a relationship with the person, getting through the awkwardness of a new friendship and continuing to reach out until the friendship feels normal and fun. It's the same as a first date. You can be excited about it and dread it at the same time. But if they're cute and fun, you push through that awkwardness and have a second date. It's all uncomfortable. But you do it for the greater good and you start to build comfort as you go. As you continue to show up over time, it gets comfortable and more fun. And that's when you get to the good stuff. But it takes time and practice and continue. and you're going to show up over and over again. That's the work. Also, learning to observe without immediately reacting. This one takes time, but it might be one of the most important skills you'll ever build, right? It's the practice of noticing what you're feeling without immediately doing something about it, pausing before you respond, watching your own patterns without judgment, recognizing when your brain is spiraling and knowing that you don't have to follow it down the rabbit hole and having someone to process with, a coach, a therapist, a sponsor, a trusted person in your life who can help you look at a situation and sort through what's real and what's your brain doing its brain thing because our brains do their thing a lot. And we're not always the most reliable narrator of our own experience. Having someone to think alongside you makes a massive difference. But we have to learn how to respond, not react, and having a response requires some thought and the ability to not freak out and fly off the handle and over react to every tiny thing that happens. That's a big part of the work. Also, setting boundaries and actually holding them. This is the one people resist the most. And I get it, it's uncomfortable. It goes against everything we were taught. A lot of us grew up in homes where having needs was not okay, we're saying no or rocking the boat was not safe. We learned to manage everyone else's feelings at the expense of our own just to keep the peace. And then we became adults and we don't know how to say no. Adults who over explain and over apologize and soften every boundary until it isn't really a boundary anymore, who take on everyone else's emotional weight and then wonder why we're so exhausted. Setting boundaries is the work. Communicating what you need is the work. Not managing everyone else's feelings is the work. Saying no and sitting with the discomfort of that without caving, without justifying yourself for 10 minutes, without making sure the other person is okay with your know, that's the work. And it is hard and it gets easier, but it only gets easier if you practice it. And I want to be really clear about one thing with boundaries. I hear people all the time over worried about how they're making other people feel. I don't want to bother anyone, I don't want to rock the boat, I don't want to be difficult, I don't want them to think I can't handle it, I don't want them to be upset with me. First of all, how someone else's feeling is none of your business. It has nothing to do with you. Secondly, it's not your job to manage everyone else's feelings. It's their job to manage their feelings. Let them carry their own weight. You've got enough of your own shit to worry about. Stop worrying about other people's feelings. You worry about you, let them worry about them. This is dangerous because it's a rationalization we use to avoid and procrastinate. Then people like to act like they're the victim, right? This is the work changing those behaviors, becoming better to yourself in a healthy way. Staying in your lane, acting on your behalf, saying no when you need to say no, staying home when you need to stay home, reaching out to someone when you need to reach out, this is the work. When you start setting boundaries, it's uncomfortable. Not because it's bad, but because it's new and different. And the only people that are going to be upset about you setting boundaries are the people who benefited from you not having any. I'm going to say that again, the only people who will be upset about you setting boundaries are the people who benefited from you having shitty boundaries. They could take advantage of your co-dependence or people pleasing and it worked to their advantage. That's some great insight to help you know who's really on your team. And the people that push back, those are the people you need to set the hardest boundaries with. But this is all the work you're doing in the first year of sobriety for sure. Also figuring out who you actually are without alcohol. This one is underrated. And I think it's one of the most disorienting parts of early sobriety that nobody warns you about. When you were drinking, you would do almost anything as long as drinking was involved. Activities, social situations, relationships, events, alcohol was the common thread and it made everything feel like your thing. And now it's gone. And suddenly you're looking around thinking, wait, do I actually like these people? Do I enjoy doing this? Who am I without a drink in my hand? And that's a real question that deserves a real answer. You have to find the things that actually make you feel good and fulfilled. The activities, interests, people, the ways of spending time that are actually yours, not the drunk version of you. And that takes exploration and honesty and some trial and error. But it's worth doing because building a life you actually love living is the best protection you have against relapse down the road. Drinking makes us lazy because you can hang out with people you don't like and just drink until you don't care. You can go places you don't like and just drink until you don't care. You can do things you don't like and just drink until you don't care. Once you get sober, you can't hide behind the alcohol anymore. Now you have to actually put some thought and effort into your life and figuring out what that's gonna look like. I have a client right now that said the most magical thing in our session the other day. She just hit 30 days, never thought she would ever get to 30 days. And she got up on Saturday morning or husband was out playing golf. And she said she sat for a minute and thought what do I wanna do today? What will make me happy today? What will make me feel fulfilled today? And I was like man those are great questions, right? Like that's the work, figuring those things out. I did an episode years ago about subtracting things from your life, right? Sometimes it's easier to start figuring things out by subtracting the no-brainer things. Like I knew the people who weren't safe for me to hang out with so they were subtracted. I knew the places I wasn't gonna go anymore as the sober version of me. So those were easily subtracted. So if you're struggling, start there. Maybe just think about the things you're removing. Then think about some of the things you've thought about over the years. Maybe you've thought about a certain vacation you wanna take and activity you wanna check out. A place you wanna go, a sport you wanna try. Think about the things you loved before alcohol hijacked your life and get back to some of those. And these are the things that are the work. Learning the new life and the new you and figuring out what makes you genuinely happy. Hey, I wanna take a quick second here because what we're talking about today, figuring out what the work actually is, understanding your triggers, building the emotional tools. This is exactly what we do together in my six week one-on-one coaching program. I work with people who are serious about getting sober and staying sober, not whitenuckling it, not hoping for the best, but actually building the skills and the foundation that makes sobriety sustainable. We go through all of this together. Your specific triggers, your emotional patterns, your relationships, your boundaries, the real stuff. And if you've been listening and thinking, okay, I want this, I wanna actually do the work, not just consume information about it. If you've been thinking that, then let's talk. Go to addictiononlimited.com/call and book a free call with me. We'll figure out together if coaching is the right fit for you or maybe something else is the right fit for you. Addictiononlimited.com/call. Okay, back to it. Now I wanna talk about something I call the easy seasons because this is where a lot of people lose the ground they've gained and they don't even realize it's happening, right? An easy season is when things feel okay. Maybe things feel really good. More energy, sleeping better, feeling motivated for the first time in years, feeling proud of yourself. You start to believe this might actually be possible. All of that is real and it's worth celebrating for sure. But I need you to hear this. Feeling good is not the same as being prepared. The easy seasons, the calm stretches, the pink cloud, the times when sobriety doesn't feel hard, they're not proof that you've got this handled. I want you to think about easy seasons as your training window. And there's a big difference between those two things because the hard season is coming. I'm not saying that to scary, I'm saying it because it's true for everyone. Life does not stay easy. Stress is coming, loss is coming, conflict is coming, exhaustion and overwhelm and moments where everything falls apart, that's all coming. Not because you're unlucky, because that's life for every single human being on this planet. And when it gets here, you're gonna default to whatever you've been conditioning yourself to do. Not what you intend to do in that moment, not what you hope you'll do, but what you practiced. So the question is, what are you building right now? While things feel manageable, Are you working? on your emotion regulation tools. Are you building your support system? Are you practicing hard conversations? Are you learning your triggers and putting protection in place? Are you doing the internal work? Or are you coasting, consuming, feeling good and sitting back because things feel OK right now? Because here's what I see happen. People get sober and they feel incredible. They've got more energy than they've had in years. They're sleeping. They're showing up. They feel like a different person. And they think, oh my god, I had no idea I could do this. This isn't nearly as hard as I thought it was going to be. And they sit back and they coast. They keep listening and reading and staying engaged with the recovery world. And they feel like they're doing everything right. And then the shit hits the fan. And they drink. And they're absolutely blindsided because they felt so good. They thought they had it. But they weren't building anything. They were writing an easy season. And those are two completely different things. Recovery is not proven during the easy wave. Recovery is proven by what happens when the next hard wave hits. Life is hard. You can't just ride the good wave and act like the hard one isn't coming right behind it. You build the muscles in the easy season, so you're strong enough to handle the hard ones. And this brings me to something I want to address directly because I think it causes so much unnecessary pain. When people relapse, they tell themselves a story. And the story is, I can't do this. There's something fundamentally broken about me that other people don't have. I'm hopeless. And that story is wrong. Relapse is almost never a character problem. It's a capacity problem. It means I got emotionally overwhelmed and I never built the tools to survive that without alcohol. I got backed into a corner, exhausted, isolated out of options, feeling like there was no way through. And alcohol was the only exit I knew. Not because something is wrong, but because you never learned another way out. That's not a character flaw. It's a skills gap. And skills can be built. The people who stay sober long term are not stronger than you. They're not more disciplined, more motivated, or more deserving. They're doing the work all the time, including the easy seasons. They're doing the internal work, even when things are calm. So that when things get hard, they're prepared. That's the only difference. So let me bring this all the way back to where we started. What are you actually doing every day for your sobriety? Not what you're consuming, not what information are you taking in, but what are you building? What internal work is happening? Are you getting honest about your triggers and doing something about them? Are you building emotion regulation tools and actually using them? Are you reaching out to your support system? Or are you isolating when things get hard? Are you practicing boundaries, real ones that you actually hold? Are you having honest conversations? Are you figuring out who you are without alcohol? That's the work. Not the podcast, not the book, not the worksheet. Those are external, and those are just a bonus. The work is the slow, unglamorous, nobody sees it practice of building a version of yourself that can handle life. And the time to build is always, especially when things feel OK. While you have the bandwidth and the energy and the clarity because the hard season is coming, and when it does, you want to have something real to hold on to. You can do this. I know you can do this, but you have to actually do it. Not just think about it, not just listen to people talk about it. Do it. A lot of people are practicing passive sobriety. They're not drinking. They feel better. Cravings are quieter. They think they're doing recovery. But active recovery is different. Active recovery is building support, practicing coping, emotional regulation, boundaries, communication, new behaviors, new responses. Passive sobriety survives calm seasons. Active recovery survives hard ones. OK, if you want help, if you want someone in your corner to walk through all of this with you specifically, figure out what your triggers are, build your tools, do the real work, go to addictionalimita.com/call. Book a call with me. Let's figure out what you actually need and will build it together. I hope you're having a fantastic day, and I will see you next week. You've reached the end of another great episode of the Addiction Unlimited podcast, Candid and Honest Conversation about Addiction and Recovery. Be sure to visit us at addictiononlimited.com to join the conversation and access show notes and links to everything we talked about. Love this episode. Please take 30 seconds to subscribe, rate, and review on iTunes to help us improve and give you the information you want. Thanks for listening. See you next week.