Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not To Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode, What Teens Say They Need Most From Their Parents, was prompted by an article I read recently in Psychology Today following a study conducted by the Centres for Disease Control. Not the most obvious organisation to be asking teens to self-report the adversities they face and to examine how those adversities affect them. But what was interesting, and therefore it was like the final nudge that actually got me to record this episode, is the responses that came from this particular study, which was carried out in the US, is pretty much exactly the responses that I get when I run workshops with teens and ask a sort of a different question of how parents help or hinder them. So, let me just start off, don't worry, I'm going to talk about the question, I'm going to give you the responses, but we are going to do some fixed stuff, you know, how do we change these things. But I think it's really important that we kind of examine the responses that these teens gave. So, the question that they were asked was simply, what do you wish you could tell your parents but can't? So, I have the research article in my grubby little hands. So, let me go through these responses verbatim. So, I wish adults were more emotionally mature than the kids around them. I wish we could talk about things without getting compared to others or put down or told to push it down. All the stress of your putting your problems on me is exhausting. I'm your kid, not your therapist. I feel like a burden. Disappointment and a failure. Do not confuse my honesty with me being dramatic. Believe me and don't get mad when I want to tell you something. I feel I can't talk to my dad about how I feel about him. He takes everything so personally and he's so combative. I don't want our relationship to suffer. I wish they wouldn't lie to me and to each other. I just need the adults to listen to me and take my emotions seriously. So, these are just some. Just a handful of some of the responses. And I suspect that there's, you know, that's some pretty powerful commentary there which makes for some pretty difficult listening. And I'm sure all of us as parents do not intend to do any of these things that came out within that commentary to our children or to our teens on purpose. And yet, it is exactly what they perceive. So, remember when I talk a lot about perception and I talk about perception, I talk a lot about perception. I talk about the seesaw and our children feeling overwhelmed and our children feeling that they can cope. It's all based on how they assess, how they perceive a particular given situation. It's not the reality of it because we as humans are emotional beings and we never see things as they truly are. And so, perception is our children and teens' reality, regardless of whether we feel their perception is true and fair. So, I guess I'm going to stop there. Yes. The first thing is, I think it's really important that we sort of sit with some of that commentary. Now, I will just share, honestly, from my perspective, is that I would have always described myself as a pretty fair parent who was very, very sort of, you know, my main priority was about my children being kind and generous to others. And I certainly would never have said that I was a pushy parent or one that gave them a hard time in terms of excelling academically or certain expectations of what grades that they should get or which university to go to. And yet, when I hear the comments that they make, particularly the ones about the comparison piece, I can really reflect on comments that I might have made, well, no, comments I know I made, that I'm sure would have then landed as a comparison thing. So, for example, I would never have said to my children, I think you should go to this university because it's much more prestigious than that university, or even that you should go to university, because my view for both of mine was, it's up to you whether you go to university or not, because I very strongly believe that it isn't the right route for everybody. And yet, I know that there would have been times that I would have been sucked into the competitive bit and the, not really even competitive bit, but the comparison piece of seeing that other families' children were being super successful. And so, rather than saying, oh, look at that child, you should be doing that. as well as them, or why are you not working as hard as that? Which is the obvious thing that as parents, we would say, I don't do that at all. And yet, one of the things that you might do, and I'm just putting it out there, because I know that I was super guilty of it, is that I might have talked about a particular child's successes in a way that I thought was just, well, I'm just talking about that child's successes. I'm not making my children feel that they were being compared in any way. And yet, actually, when you sit and reflect on that, of course, that's going as, oh, okay, my parents think that they're making some comment about how general observation and conversation around this family's child, who just happens to be in my school year. But actually, the real undertone to that is that you're not doing as well. So, I think when we hear the comments that have come out from the teens, what they wish that they could say, and I've only picked out one of those, there's a whole host of things that were there. I think it's important that rather than getting defensive, is that we sit with that, because I think it's important that I can say to you that this is not uncommon. I hear this so often from the children I work with, and I do not at any level suspect that there are parents giving their children a really difficult time. There will be some, 100%, and I'm not even sure that the parents that will be doing that will be feeling that they're doing anything wrong. But for most of you who are listening to this podcast, I would imagine that you are doing something that you feel is just putting a comment out there, but actually it's landing with your child in a particular way. So, let's, I think what I want to do initially, what I would love to do is just to consider why we might not be showing up for our children and teens in the way that they would like us to. So, there's just three that I think are worth a consideration before I then move on to what are the things that we could be doing. This episode, I would love you to take with the compassion and the kindness that it is intended. This is not another stick for you to beat yourselves up. It is simply an opportunity to reflect on some of the things that we say and that we do without necessarily realizing the full impact of that. And in some ways, maybe we can give ourselves the opportunity to sit back and think about someone in our lives that may not always be considered in the commentary that they make to us and how we then take it is a good way of kind of compassionately and kindly considering how we might be doing it without realizing with our children. So, the three kind of things that I sort of thought of as why this might be happening is number one is that we might not have actively addressed our own stresses and anxieties. Now, those stresses and anxieties could relate to a number of different things. So, they could be stresses and anxieties that relate specifically to our own stressors and anxieties. So, they could be stresses and anxieties that relate specifically to our own childhood and therefore wanting more for our children. So, every generation, of course, wants more opportunities and wants to do more for their children, whether that's a financial, whether that's opportunity, whether that's engagement, whether that's listening, whether that's fit material things, whatever that is, so that it may well be that we're not showing up in our best way because we haven't actively addressed that or it could be that we're juggling too much. We're trying to do too many things, continuing to this to strive for this notion of perfect parenting, which as we know simply does not exist or we're so busy doing everything and everything that we don't have any of our, we don't have resources or a battery charge left within us to be able to be present. So, I think maybe reflect on that one. When I talk through the five things that we, that I would be encouraging, to do, you might be able to answer that particular question in that one. So, that might be one of the reasons. The second one is that we have not yet found a way to self-soothe or regulate our own emotions. But in this, I want you to be thinking, you may be saying, Mary-Anne, I don't fly off the handle. I don't do X. For me, particularly around the comparison bit that young people often talk about. And I think that's what I'm trying to do. So, for example, when we might feel jealousy or a feeling of inadequacy, when that strikes, whether, I don't know, you've been scrolling through your social platform, through your social feed, and all you've got is some perfectly curated friends that seem to be having this perfect parenting experience. So, that's what I mean by we haven't yet sort of managed how we then manage that feeling of envy or inadequacy, because that then comes out in some other way. You know, they're doing a better job at raising all we perceive. see that they're doing a better job of raising successful children and teens, then what happens is our emotions sabotage all our good intentions of raising the child or teen that we have in an open way where we celebrate their strengths. So it could be that we've not yet found a way to self-soothe, self-regulate, or it could be, and it could be a combination of all of these things, or it could be that we're not good at really listening. And it's this notion of active listening, and it's such an important piece because it's about, this is where our children get their validation, our children and teens, that we are really seeking to understand life in the reality that they see it. So it's not the listening that we think we're doing, where we're also slightly sidetracked with all of the things that we've got to do, or we're not. Or where we're listening and we're already formulating a response in our head. I'm super guilty with that because I have a really bad habit of interrupting. Active listening is where we're really, it's almost like the kind of listening that you do in a lecture theatre or in a lesson where you are seeking to actively understand the information that you're being given so that you could then instruct the person that was next to you or someone who wasn't able to be in that lecture or in that lecture. So it's really being able to paraphrase back. So what I think I'm hearing is X or Y. And so it may well be that we've not really cultivated that, we've not practiced it enough. So those for me are probably the three common reasons, the three main reasons, I would say, why we are then not able to show up for our teens and our young people in the way that they would like us to. So we're armed with that knowledge and potentially in conjunction with the five things that we can do. I think it's, worthwhile reflection, but of course, as usual, I want to give you something that you can do rather than simply highlighting areas where there's challenge. So let's, let's focus now on the five things that we can do. And there's a real obvious focus here. Every single one of these, bar one, which involves your children as well, is all on us. It's all about what we need to do for ourselves. And it's all about what we need to do for ourselves. And it's all about what we need to do for us. So let's crack on. And now we're going to take a quick pause for a word from our sponsors. Number one is invest time in becoming self-aware, particularly around our own childhood, because this is not about necessarily going out and having some therapy, but I do think it's a really important piece that we ask ourselves some questions around how we might be parenting at the moment that might reflect some aspects of our own childhood. So that may well reflect some aspects of our childhood because we are simply repeating what we've had modeled to us. So this is how my parents parented and I thought that they did a great job. Or it may well be that this is how my parents parented. I don't think they did a great job, but I just, I can't believe actually I'm doing exactly to my children what happened to me. Or it could be that there are certain aspects of our own childhood that we're sort of trying to fix in the process of raising our own children. There's nothing wrong with any of those, but if it's getting in the way of your connection and your child or your teen feeling that they are being heard, that we understand that the sort of their reality, their perception of how life is going through. For example, particularly, I mean, one of those comments was about, you know, I'm not being dramatic, and I have heard this so many times from parents is, you know, our children and our young people will say something. Maybe they'll say, oh, I've, you know, I'm worried about my emotional health or, um, this is just so overwhelming. I can't possibly do it. And of course that that is going to create some tension. I would imagine for quite a lot of us, because most of us have been raised in an age and in a generation where our parents would have just told us to just crack on with it. And in fact, there's lots of commentary, around the current mental health issues, the current number of diagnoses around neurodiversity that just simply says that actually as parents, we're just pandering to children. They should just suck it up and just get on with it. And that as parents, we're facilitating the problem. That's the reflective piece that is really worth doing is becoming really aware about how often, because we are a product when we show up for our children, we show up in lots of ways as a result of the way that we were parented. And so it's really the bit that we're trying to unpick here is the way that we are responding to our children, which may sit in the camp of any of those comments that I read out, where our children may well be thinking that we are simply not understanding, or if you've got a child who isn't opening up. Now, please do not feel that if your child doesn't communicate or they're not opening up that you are, therefore you have therefore done something wrong. Some children in the same way, some adults. Tend to hold onto stuff. They don't tend to want to open up and talk about things. That is not a direct result of your parenting. All I'm saying is it's really helpful when we as parents become really self-aware about some of our aspects of our behavior, which may or may not be impacting our children in that way. And that number one, in terms of investing time and becoming self-aware feeds very much into number two, which is about cultivating a regular reflective practice. And in whatever way that looks like for you, if we want to show up as best as we can as parents and as best as we can as individuals, because the skills that we're talking about here are not just unique to our children there. They are skills that we can use in our workplace. They're skills that we can use with our partner. They're skills that we can use with people who matter to us, but have it, but we can only ever look to change something or congratulate ourselves when we've done a good job or, or notice the progress that we're making. If we have some form of reflective practice and do what works for you, your reflective practice may simply be scanning your day as you're driving back from work. It may be a sitting down in a formal practice of journaling. It may be a sitting down at home with someone about things, interactions that have happened with the children, whatever it is, please do what works for you. There is plenty out there about how we can have a reflective practice, but don't feel that you need to do one particular thing. It's just about choosing what may well be something that will work for you. And if you've never had a reflective practice before, I would recommend dipping your toe in multiple different ways, different options, and see what feels, helpful. See what feels natural for you and just persevere with it a little bit, because I think the rewards that we get from that reflective, that pondering, even if it's just as the kettle boils or as you're cooking dinner, anything where you can just hold that space and rather than filling that void with to-do lists or mindlessly scrolling on your mobile phone or whatever your choice of is, is that you just simply commit to a period of time where you do a bit of reflection. So I think that's number two. Number three is make a promise to yourself and commit to losing one thing and adding one thing each week so that you can show up more in the way you'd like to. So let me give you an example about what this means. So rather than setting some big goal, although big goals are good, but when we, you know, in order to achieve a big goal, we've got to break it down into small bits. And this is why I think just making a promise, that power of one is so, well, it is so powerful. Rather than trying to do multiple different things, we just do one thing. And so by adding one and losing one, so let me just give you this example. You might commit to losing, your losing thing might be, you're going to lose access to your mobile for the first hour when your child or teen gets back from school. So that's providing, you're doing that because what you're doing is you're losing that hour. What that hour is hopefully doing is it's providing an opportunity and space for conversations to start. Now that doesn't mean that they will. This is really crucial. Just because we've created space doesn't mean our children will use that time. But what it does mean is if they do use that hour in any way they want to, is that you won't have the distraction of having that device. And don't be tempted to revert back if you don't have the distraction of having that device. your child or your teen doesn't use the opportunity. In my experience, teens and children tend to talk when we least expect it and showing them that we have left space for the conversation where we're available and intentional. By doing that, it makes it an incredible step forward for them to see that this is something that we take seriously, that we create these. We're not going to say, I'm not going to have my phone with me for the first hour when you get back from school, just in case you want to talk to me. We're going to demonstrate that. through our behavior, through our engagement, through our presence with them, because we're not being distracted by anything else. So we couldn't be distracted by anything else. We're not going to choose to lose that. Now, you know, our children do tend to pick the most inopportune moments. So they may not choose that hour, but we are making the commitment. So we will lose that. But what we might add is we then might add 20 minutes of me time. So we take away that mobile phone for the first hour, but we add 20 minutes of me time, whatever that me time might look like. That could be some exercise. It could be sitting with a cup of tea and staring out of the window. It could be reading a book. It could be having a relaxing bath. It could be calling a friend, whatever it is, but it's something that is dedicated to us. But that's just one example of how you might lose one thing and add one thing. But doing it that way means that we're actively encouraging ourselves through our reflective practice to notice some of the things that might be getting in the way of making us available for our children and our teens. And so it's looking at, okay, well, what happens if I, if I lose that or I tweak it in such a way that, you know, I lose an hour's access to it. And so what might be the thing I might replace it with? What might I add to it instead? So that's number three in terms of that, making that promise and that commitment to lose one thing and add one thing. Number four is about having an honest conversation with your children, your child and your, and all your teens. So it might go along the lines of, this is a bit of a script sort of thing that I've prepared, but of course you will tweak and refine it and make it sound more like you, but you might start off with, look, I've listened to a podcast episode, which has really made me think about how I show up for you and how open I am to truly listening. I'm conscious. I have a habit of X, Y, Z, whatever your habit might be. Mine would be interrupting, you know, always giving you a, giving you a solution or just telling you that you're being dramatic for, I'm just giving you some examples. So I'm conscious. I have a habit of X, Y, Z, which might come across to you as being super judgmental, criticizing or comparing. And I know that's absolutely not, not what my intention in any shape or form. So I'm going to work on X. I'm going to work on actively listening more. I'm going to work on really listening. I can't promise things will, will change overnight. They rarely ever do anyway. But what I can promise you is my commitment to working really hard on this. So bear with me. I won't always get it right. Now you can add or not add the following, but I think this is also really powerful is, but can I ask you to help me with some feedback? I think sometimes a gentle bit of self-deprecation is really helpful. You know, highlighting to our children, go through this period of time when they're super young of that, they idolize us. We're these incredible people. My mummy says, my daddy says, you know, everything that comes out of our mouths, we're these incredible people. Is the truth and is the law and is the way that it is at some point. And that's a different age and stage for every single child, but they go beyond seeing us as these perfect beings to seeing us for all of our imperfections and to say also all of our hypocrisies. And as my children would often point out, you know, the hypocrisies for me were like, get off your phone. You're always on your phone. Well, mum, you're always checking your work emails because I was on my phone. And okay. Yes. I might've been checking work stuff, but I was still on my phone. So it was a huge hypocrisy as far as they were concerned. And so our children see us for the infallible, imperfect humans that we are. And so by being open with them about and being self-deprecating and I don't always get this right, but I'm super committed to making a change. And I could, I'd really love your help with that to be able to feed back to me. That opens up channels of communication and conversation that you will not believe in terms of the openness that our children will have. And if you're listening to this and you try it and your children are not open and then it isn't well-received, that's okay. Persevere because what you're also demonstrating to your children is that I know that this is going to be really important to you. And I know I've not shown up in all of the ways that I wish I had, because I recognize some of those comments may well be comments that you're thinking of. And so actually I'm committed to making those changes. And if you're ready at some point at any time to give me feedback, then great. And your children may give you verbal feedback, very specific, or you may just get that feedback in other ways, more closeness, more conversations, more wanting to be with you, more sharing, whatever that might be. I think having those, having an honest conversation, with our children in this way, it can be incredibly empowering and really build that connection that we're all striving for as parents. So that's number four. And then number five is about, is a reminder to be kind and compassionate to yourself on the journey, except that change takes time. It's not going to happen overnight, but we want to make that commitment to creating the opportunity to the, and the time to reflect, to become more self-aware, to consider the things that we're going to add and the things that we're going to take away and to reflect on how well that's worked and to have that communication and that connection channel open. Because fundamentally, all anyone really wants, whether they're a child, whether they're a teen, whether they're an adult, is to know that what matters to them and what's causing stress, worry, concern, excitement, is something that other people are willing to listen to. Because then that validates them and their experience and how they're going through and navigating the world around them. And so just, just being really intentional, but kind to ourselves. And it may well be that as you've heard these, you think actually, you know, I've got a great friend that I think this might be something that would be really good for us to do together. So that we can hold each other to account. We can check in with each other about how we're going about making these changes. And it's, I'm not sort of giving you this because I want you to come away feeling guilty and then think back of, oh my goodness me, I must be doing all these horrible things and my poor children, what might they be thinking? Because actually it goes back to that whole notion of sort of repair is whatever we have done previously, however we've shown up for our children, we always have that opportunity. And so I think that's a really good point. To repair it. So I hope that that gives you some comfort in terms of how you can then bridge that and break any cycles, which may well be happening in your home. And as ever, you know, if you are new to listening to this podcast episode, then I would really encourage you to go to the website, drmaryhand.com, click it on the podcast page and search there specifically for active listening. There is a whole episode dedicated. To that, or if you're a regular listener, but could do with a bit of a recap that that's a really helpful one to do as well. Cultivating our practice around active listening is, is really helpful because that's kind of like the key skill when it comes to validating and our, our, our young children, you know, feeling that, that they're being heard. And if you continue to enjoy these episodes or you've enjoyed listening to this one for the very first time, then just taking a short moment to rate and review the podcast. Has a massive, I cannot even begin to explain what an impact that has, because what that does is it helps other parents who may well be struggling with exactly the same challenges that you are, who may not even know of the existence of the, how not to screw up your kids podcast, but by rating and reviewing it, what that does is it then means that the podcast is then recommended to them through whichever platform it is that they may well be listening. So I would be eternally grateful. If you could do that, because that helps us spread the love. So until next time.
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