What Am I Doing Wrong?" (6 Non-Negotiables for Real Change)

Hey everybody, welcome to the Addiction Unlimited podcast where you get to learn everything you want to know about addiction and recovery. I'm your host, Angela Pugh, co-founder of Kansas City Recovery, Life Coach and Recovery and Alcoholic. To learn more about me, you can listen to episode zero on your podcast app or find us on the web at AddictionUnlimited.com. Hello my friend, welcome back to Addiction Unlimited, the podcast for people who are sober or trying to be, but know that just quitting drinking isn't enough. So here's a question nobody wants to answer. What am I doing wrong? You know most people relapse dozens of times before they actually get it right. And if you're one of them, if you've tried and failed and tried again and failed again, you know that cycle is exhausting. And here's what I want you to understand. There's nothing wrong with you. It's not that you don't want it badly enough. It's that the answer you need isn't about actions and distractions. It's about the deeper layers. The real mindset that's necessary for successful recovery. Today I'm giving you six principles that make the difference between people who stay sober and people who keep starting over. These aren't just recovery principles. They're life principles. They apply to career relationships, parenting, health and definitely any major change you're making in your life. This isn't recovery advice. It's how to actually change your life vibes. These aren't about what to do. They're about how to think, how to show up. Who do you need to become to step into real sobriety? And if you don't embody these things, you're just not ready yet. This is like a personal code of conduct that you use to check yourself, how you're showing up and whichever one you're f*cking up, fix it. But this is the real truth. And if you're serious about building a life that actually works, these are non-negotiable. Okay, let's dive in. Let me start with the most obvious one that no one wants to say out loud. It's going to be uncomfortable. But here's what I need you to understand about that. People doesn't mean bad. Most of the time, it's uncomfortable because it's new, not because it's wrong, not because it's dangerous, not because it's a sign you should stop. We have this deeply ingrained belief that discomfort is inherently bad, right? And that the only logical response is to numb it, fix it, make it go away as fast as possible. That's literally why we drink. And felt uncomfortable and we drowned it in the bottom of a bottle. But discomfort is not bad. It just means you're working a new muscle. No one has ever died from being uncomfortable. And here's the thing. The whole point of recovery is learning new ways to cope with feelings, with life, with the ups and downs, without reaching for a drink, every time something feels hard or new or different. So yes, as you learn new skills, it will be uncomfortable because you haven't done it before. You need practice. That's it. That's the whole story. What you can't do is catastrophize that discomfort like it's the end of the world, like the only solution is a drink. But also, and I want to be really clear about this, you don't get to try to get sober, change your entire life and then act like it shouldn't be an inconvenience. Right? It is a massive change. It will be new. It will be different. It will be uncomfortable and at times inconvenient. Get okay with that. The more you connect with other sober people and practice new coping mechanisms, the less uncomfortable it becomes. You build the muscle, it gets easier. But if you want to have fast your effort, you will also have fast your results. Okay? Principle number two. Recovery requires sacrifice. And I don't mean the Instagram version of sacrifice where you light a candle and say no to happy hour ones. I mean real sacrifice. You are going to skip events. You're going to miss trips. You're going to say no to the bar, the party, the wedding, the vacation because you have to protect your sobriety. You're going to sacrifice time. Maybe getting up 30 minutes earlier to do something healthy or stay up 30 minutes later to get what you need. Skipping happy hour to go to a meeting, giving up your Saturday golf outing to protect your recovery. You're going to sacrifice your lunch hour with co-workers to do some calming things while you eat and recharge. And here's a truth we love to avoid. When you drank, you made sacrifices too. You sacrificed your health, your relationships, your self-respect, your mornings, your clarity, your potential. You also sacrifice time. Time for yourself in healthy ways. Even with your family, whether you were not involved in events and family time because you were drinking or you slept in because you were hungover, you just conveniently forget those sacrifices, right? So the question isn't whether or not you're going to sacrifice something. The question is what are you willing to sacrifice? A few social events or your entire life. Okay. Number three. You have to let go of trying to control what other people think about you, your drinking problem and your sobriety. This one is hard because most of us spent years trying to look, quote unquote, normal, hiding how much we actually drank, lying about drinking, downplaying the problem. And now you're in recovery and you're still doing it. You're trying to act like you don't have a problem, trying to look normal and carry on as usual, but that's just another way of trying to control other people's opinions of you. And here's what I need you to hear. You have a problem. You have to fix it. And that's all that matters. What other people think is none of your business and not your priority. Fuck everybody and their thoughts and opinions. And I don't want to hear most of my friends don't even think I have a problem. Of course they don't because you weren't honest about your drinking. If they knew how much you drank before you saw them or after you left them, they'd have a clearer picture of that truth. If they knew how bad you feel about yourself because you're drinking too much, harboring shame and guilt, constantly feeling disappointed in yourself, then they would understand the issue better. But they don't have all the information because we hide that shit. So don't be surprised when they don't respond accurately. This is your life, your recovery, your problem to solve. What they think doesn't matter. And number four, you have to get honest with yourself and stop rationalizing and justifying. This builds on number three. You have a problem. You have to fix it. It doesn't matter if your friends and family think differently because they don't know the whole truth. You know the truth. So don't pretend. Don't let your friend who you told your fake truth tell you that you don't have a problem and then use it as permission to drink. It doesn't give you permission. You can't drink. Other people don't live your life. They don't know your pain. They don't know your inner desires. You do. You live for you. But if you can't get honest about where you actually are, then you're not going to be able to heal. Everyone likes to find all the ways they aren't that bad. But let me tell you how dangerous this form of denial is. Just because you're fancy, upscale, playing golf, playing tennis, going to the country club, just because you've been successful in your career. You've raised a beautiful family. That doesn't make your problem different than anyone else's. This is ego stuff. You want to pacify yourself and your ego by telling yourself you're better than the other alcoholics. This will keep you relapsing because it's bullshit. If you haven't had any major consequences from your drinking, it doesn't mean you're better than the other alcoholics or not as bad as the other alcoholics. It just means you're in an earlier stage of alcoholism. So get honest with yourself about how much you drink and about how bad it is. Stop minimizing it. Stop justifying it. Stop lying to yourself because you can't. can't fix a problem, you won't admit you have. Okay, number five. You have to be willing. Willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober. Willingness is the key ingredient. When something is a priority, you make it a priority. That means it comes first. That means if you drank when you were tired, then you go to a meeting when you're tired. If you went to the bar when it was raining or snowing, then you go to a meeting when it's raining or snowing. If you drank even when you didn't want to or didn't feel like it, then you also work on your recovery even when you don't want to and don't feel like it. How many times did you go to drinking events? You didn't really want to go to. So you can go to a meeting, you don't really want to go to. How many times were you stuck with someone, you didn't really like someone who is maybe a little obnoxious or self-absorbed or super opinionated, but they were the friend of your friend so you dealt with them. That's exactly why you can also go to meetings where you may not love every single person in the room. Sit down, shut up, and nurture your sobriety instead of being a slave to your little feelings. If you let your feelings run the show, you're fucked. Be willing to look at things differently because you're living your life differently. Be willing to try things you haven't tried before because other people have had success with it. Be open-minded instead of thinking you know everything. Be willing to listen, be willing to learn, be willing to try. Which brings me to number six. You're gonna have to grow the fuck up. It doesn't matter if you don't want to. It doesn't matter if you have anxiety. It's so do 100% of the rest of us. It doesn't matter if you're scared and uncomfortable. It doesn't matter if you wish things were different. They're not. And as a grown-up, we have to do things we don't wanna do because shit has to get done, whether we feel like it or not. How much shit do you do every day with your kids that you really don't want to? How much homework and bath time do you do even when you're tired? How many things do you do at work, even though you have anxiety? And you do those things because they're a priority. You have to take care of your kids. You have to do your job because you have to get paid. You make it a priority and you do all the things regardless of how you feel. We're not three years old. Life is no longer just a series of events we approve of or we throw a temper tantrum. 99% of what I do in a day's time, I promise you I would rather be doing something else. Welcome to adulthood. But this is where the rubber meets the road. You do what you need to do to take care of yourself and to live a good life being a good human. Life doesn't give a fuck if you feel like it or not and neither does alcoholism. Think about my bare analogy. I think my alcoholism is a bare, right? That dude is big, powerful and cranky AF. Now when I'm sober, that dude is in hibernation, right? I picture him in the middle of my brain, he's sleeping, right? He's in front of a nice fire. He's got a big fluffy pillow and a lovely warm soft blanket and he is so happy just hibernating his little life away. I wanna do everything in my power to make sure that dude is as comfortable as possible because I don't wanna wake him up. He's a nightmare. He alcoholism doesn't care if you're tired. He will shred you. He doesn't care if you have anxiety. He will destroy you and eat you. He also doesn't care how inviting he is. Because bears are super cute and you wanna hug them and pet them and be friends. Just like tequila, I wanna hug and pet it and be friends. But it will destroy me and you. Alcohol is a predator. It draws you in to poison you. So you have to be the adult in the room. You have to put your feelings to the side and function on what is effective and what's not effective. I don't get to bail on my life because it's hard. I have to grow the fuck up and figure out how to handle it. Lull that bear into hibernation and keep him comfortable and happy that way. Don't poke the bear. If you wanna start messing with that dude and poking at him with stupid behaviors, then he's gonna wake up in your screwed. Okay? That's what these six things are all about. I can't shrink my whole life to accommodate my fear. That's what I did when I was drinking. And I'm not doing drinking things in my sober life. So to be brave, I have to be willing. I have to be willing to be uncomfortable. I have to be willing to make sacrifices to grow and get better. I have to be willing to make how I feel about myself a priority over how others think and feel about me. I have to be willing to stop letting myself off the hook for bad behavior, to own it, to get 100% honest about who I am and what I'm dealing with. So I can start to fix it like a grown-up, not a toddler. Trust me, I wanna throw myself on the floor and scream and cry at least five times a day, right? And sometimes I get to do that in a controlled environment like in a breath worker, somatic healing situation, right? But most of the time, I don't get that luxury. I have to grow the fuck up, put my big girl panties on and figure out the solution because no one can do it for me. Okay, those are the six principles. One, it's gonna be uncomfortable. Two, it takes real sacrifice. Three, you have to stop trying to control what other people think. Four, you have to get brutally honest with yourself. Five, you have to be willing no matter what. And six, you're gonna have to grow the fuck up. These aren't easy, but they are the truth. And this isn't a checklist. Stop trying to treat sobriety like a checklist. I'm gonna have to do an episode about that too. This isn't about physically going through the motions and taking certain actions so you can check them off the list like you're done. Especially if you have the dangerous misconception that you're gonna get to the bottom of the list and be healed like all your work is done. Recovery, healing, isn't about going through the motions. It's about doing internal work so you don't feel like you need alcohol to numb the internal feelings and thoughts. Now, there are actions to take to do that. You can check those off your list, but the internal shift is the important part. That's why I wanted to do this episode because everyone talks about do this thing, do that thing. Go here, read this, listen to this. But if you don't utilize those action items as a way to shift your internal state, then you aren't healing. There's a big difference between doing things to be busy and doing things to create change. And you'll know which one of those columns you fall into by how strong your recovery is. If you're relapsing, then you're doing busy work to look busy and check things off the list. If you're staying sober and feeling better, you're doing the internal work. So here's what's in it for you if you actually embody these six principles. You stop whitenuggling sobriety, you stop feeling like you're one bad day away from a relapse, you stop waiting for permission from other people to take your own life seriously, you build a recovery that's actually sustainable, not because you're checking boxes, but because you've fundamentally changed how you think, how you cope and who you are. You get to wake up proud of yourself. You get clarity, you get your mornings back, you get yourself respect back, you get to actually show up for the people you love including yourself. And if you're done messing around with this thing, if you're ready to kick its ass once and for all, I want you to book a free consultation call with me, addictiononlimited.com/call. We'll talk about where you are, what's keeping you stuck and what you actually need to make this work. And I have different programs and tools to offer from the starter kit to one-on-one coaching to my private member community. So we can figure out what fits for you in your life. That link is always in the show notes, addictiononlimited.com/call. Stop overthinking it, stop waiting, just book the damn call. Okay, it's time to feel better. It's time to start understanding the right things to do to get you where you want to be so you're not spinning your wheels endlessly. All right, my friend, I love you guys. Thank you for spending this time with me. I hope you have a fantastic day and I will see you next week. You've reached the end of another great episode of the Addiction Unlimited podcast, candid and honest conversation about addiction and recovery. Be sure to visit us at addictiononlimited.com to join the conversation and access show notes and links to everything we talked about. Love this episode? Please take 30 seconds to subscribe, rate, and review it. you on iTunes to help us improve and give you the information you want. Thanks for listening. See you next week.