Wet Hot American Bummer

"Love to Lead" is brought to you by Mint Mobile. There are things in life that you don't want to be transparent, like you're swimsuit, huh, or you're a search history. Uh, bad, I don't know. (laughing) I don't know, once the quantum computer's, you know, de-encryoped everything, we'll all be in each other's business and we'll learn to live a new kind of life together. Interesting. But when it comes to your wireless bill, transparency's everything. That's why Mint Mobile wireless plans of no gimmicks and no gaunches, just high-speed, dad and reliable coverage on the T-Mobile 5G network. And right now, all plans are $15 per month, even unlimited. Mint Mobile took what's wrong with wireless and made it right with premium wireless for $15 per month. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. You even bring your current code and your number, choose from three, six, or 12 month plans and say goodbye to a monthly bill. Did you over-price wireless with Mint Mobile so easy, sign up online and get three months of premium wireless service for $15 a month to get your new wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com/loveit. That's mintmobile.com/loveit. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month and mintmobile.com/loveit. That's it. There is no catch. Up from payment of $45 for $3 months, $90 for six months or $180 for 12 months, plan required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy. Includes up to 20 gigabyte hotspot, capable device, required availability, speeding coverage, vary, see mintmobile.com. [MUSIC PLAYING] Welcome to "Love It or Leave It Live" from Hollywood. I'm John Loveon and baby, I'm a firework. We have got a great show for you tonight, but first let's get into it. What a week. [APPLAUSE] On July 4, 1776, the delegates of the Second Continental Congress signed the Declaration of Independence, separating themselves from England and creating the United States of America. One day, God willing, they'll teach their children about us, said John Hancock. Only the good parts, said Thomas Jefferson. Only the good parts, said John Hancock. Huzzah, said the founders. Jefferson and John Adams, former allies, turned adversaries, died on the same day, 50 years later, on July 4, 1826. For John Adams, that's like when Pharaoh Fawcett died on the same day as Michael Jackson. [LAUGHTER] For a moment, you're like, oh right, Pharaoh Fawcett died. John Adams, last words, were said to be, Thomas Jefferson still survives. But unbeknownst to him, Jefferson had died a few hours earlier. Adams shows up to heaven, piss. St. Peter tells him Jefferson died. And then John Adams is like, OK, then where is he? And St. Peter says, oh, he's not here, babe. And then how John Adams laughed, each shit, Thomas, enjoyed kissing the devil in the French way. [LAUGHTER] Speaking of hell, the Trump administration's great American state fair is in full swing on the national mall. It's pretty cool. You use Trump crypto coin to buy tickets for the carnival games. And then if you win, you get tokens that you can exchange for Trump crypto coins. Now, Congress had created a bipartisan nonprofit called America 250 to organize the events. Trump then launched a competing organization called Freedom 250 so that he could turn the occasion, originally meant to be a patriotic celebration for everybody, into what Trump himself described as a kind of mega rally. Not since your sister wore white to your wedding and announced that she was pregnant during her toast, has someone tried so hard to ruin an event by making it about themselves. Artists like Martina McBride, Young MC, and Brett Michaels pulled out of their schedule concerts at the fair because they didn't realize that the event had become politicized. And their rights, state fairs, are where all Americans, young and old, straight and gay, liberally conservative come together on a hot summer day to give themselves diarrhea. The fair kicked off Wednesday, June 24 with musical performances and welcome speeches, like this one from Transportation Secretary and former real-world contestant Sean Duffy. To start this off, I think we have to give a big round of applause for our military band and singers way better than those lip-tards that canceled on us. It might seem like calling the artists "lip-tards" is a great way to prove that they were right to cancel, but that's not fair. This was just a last-ditch effort by Sean Duffy to convince the black eyed peas to show up and play "Let's Get Lip-Tarded" in here. [LAUGHTER] Each day of the great American state fairs dedicated to different Trump-approved themes, such as horsepower of America, wings of freedom and the American canvas, other days include a salute to divorce dads, red white and two genders, and poetry day just kidding, Gunday. There is also-- and this is real-- "Maha Monday," where visitors can learn about, quote, "feeling better, living longer, and doing it the American way," which I guess means eating a salad while busting a union. Don't let the hell talk worry you too much, though, because this is still a fair, and you can still get a corn dog, and there will be eating contests. And the fair's portapides will honor tradition by having three settings-- occupied, vacant, and this place is not a place of honor. What is here was dangerous and repulsive to us. The danger is still present in your time. As it was in ours, this place is best shunned and left uninhabited. The last day of the fair is dedicated to the next 250, including a celebration of robotics and artificial intelligence. And it was all going swimmingly until lightning struck that one robot, and it screamed the Lord's Prayer, and then it started counting down in a kind of monotone toward what seems to be a specific day and time a few years from now. Weird. In the meantime, visitors can ride the Ferris wheel that has been erected on the national mall. And this just in, the Ferris wheel is covered in algae. I repeat, the algae has taken the Ferris wheel. Meanwhile, Bush's baked beans debuted a limited edition summer trio of patriotic baked bean flavors, dill pickle, apple pie, and rocket pop. In my day, you can only experience exciting flavor combinations like this if you threw up. Look, on a hot summer day as a kid, whenever I had an ice-cold rocket pop, I often thought, gee, this would be better if it were piping hot beans. [LAUGHTER] And of course, July 4 brings Nathan's famous annual hot dog eating contest at Coney Island, where the world record for hot dogs eaten in one sitting competitively, 76, was set by Joey Jaws Chestnut in 2021. Boy, I wish I could gobble down that many weeners. Said South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham. This year, we'll also feature the first olympic hot dog eating contest in which contestants will compete to finish one hot dog. And finally, over 10,000 big bear residents signed a petition asking the town to cancel the annual 4th of July fireworks spectacular, despite the boon to local tourism, as it would disturb the area's celebrity bald eagle family, which includes two new eglets, Sandy and Luna. Don't press your luck, bald eagles. We did right by you. DDT was awesome. It killed a lot of bugs. All right, but we stopped using it because it made your shell so thin that eagle moms would lay eggs and then crush those eggs under their own weight, which I agree is deeply sad. But we stopped it for you. Don't mess with the fucking fireworks, or we can go back to Benjamin Franklin's original pitch of making the turkey our national bird. I swear, those freaky gobbling birds like being eaten. It's their kink. Oh, the widow baby eagles are scared. Grow up. This is America. And I don't care if it frightens the last white rider to death. We light it up. The Hershey's bar's don't come in foil anymore. All our cars are ugly and gray. You can't buy a house unless you already own a house. So we're going to do the fireworks. And if those birds want to be fags about it, they can take their nest to fucking Canada. Say it with me. USA. USA. USA. All right, we've got a great show for you. And we will be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Love It or Leave It is brought to you by stamps.com. We could all use a few more hours, even minutes, in the day for ourselves. 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For stamps.com, slash love it to get this offer today, that's st-a-m-p-s.com slash love it. Stamps.com slash love it. Taxes and fee supply. Love it or leave it as brought to you by Zbiotics pre alcohol. Let's face it after a night with drinks. You don't bounce back the next day like you used to. You had to make a choice. You can either have a great night or a great next day. That is until I found pre alcohol. We were just in Chicago for the opening of the Obama Presidential Center. And I brought Zbiotics and before I left the hotel, I would just threw Zbiotics down because I knew I was going to be having a couple drinks. I don't know if I normally have drinks two or three nights in a row. Yeah, let me tell you. Chicago really tested the outer bounds of. - Zibah addicts. - Absolutely. - But it held up. - But it held up. Zibah addicts pre-alcohol probiotic drink is the world's first genetically engineered probiotic. It was invented by PhD scientists to tackle rough mornings after drinking. Here's how it works when you drink alcohol gets converted into a toxic byproduct in the gut. It's a build up of this byproduct, not dehydration that's to blame for rough days after drinking. Pre-alcohol produces an enzyme to break this byproduct down. Just remember, to make pre-alcohol your first drink of the night drink responsibly and you'll feel your best tomorrow. I just told you this story of how I used it. Let me tell you something. I had Zibah addicts on Thursday night, had a bunch of drinks, woke up the next day, walked myself to a bar, had pizza with John. Then you know what I did? I walked to another pizza place to have a deep dish by myself. Do you know that's what I did after I left you on Friday? I went and had a secret deep dish pizza at the bar of a restaurant. - You know what I did before I saw you on Friday? - What? - Thanks to Zibah addicts. That was at 11.30. At 8.30 I got to Navy Pier with my family and two children. And went on the teacups three times. - Wow. Three times after all of those bourbon and sodas that I go for. - Incredible. - Thank you Zibah addicts. - July is packed with barbecue fireworks, late weekends and late nights with France keep, the good times rolling into the next day. Drink pre-biochal before you go out and wake up ready for whatever Sunday brings. Head to Zibah addicts.com/loveit. Use code. Love it at checkout for 15% off that Zibah addicts.com/loveit. Code, love it. (upbeat music) And we're back! Mark Duploss will be out in just a moment, but first if you are a friend of the pond, thank you. And if you're not, consider this your midterm reminder. In addition to even more Ponce of America content, like only friends, that's our podcast. That's just for subscribers and our open tabs newsletter. You get ad-free breaking news. You support independent media. You can trust plus you get a discounted ticket to CrookedCon. So please, please, please become a friend of the pond. We provide a lot of content and it's a great way to support a pro democracy media company. So go to Crooked.com/friends to learn more. And if you are on LA, come check out the new studio. People are having a great time, right there, right? (audience applauding) Upcoming guests include Margaret Cho, Langston, Kerman and Dana, Google Plus. We have the first Gen Z member of Congress Maxwell Frost joining us. So go to Crooked.com/events to get those tickets. All right, please welcome to the stage. The taller one, Mark Duploss. (audience applauding) Hi, hi, good to see you, buddy. Thanks for being here. I got three chairs. Where do I'm going to sit here? Sit closest to me. Close? Yeah, that's it, close. So I want to tell you something. (audience applauding) I wanted to make sure I didn't say Duploss because I believe I've undiagnosed dyslexia. So I struggle with reading things phonetically. So here's how I remember to say it, which was, Duploss, Du equals door. (audience laughing) What is dyslexia, I think? (audience laughing) I think it's not that. Right, for sure. Well, some people like to sit in a chair, just kind of like normally, and some people can't sit normally. Can't do it. Can't do it. And I think it has something to do with that. I might be. Yeah. I think you're fine, I think you're okay. Yeah. So, back rooms. Back rooms. Back rooms. Which is not the back rooms. You know who the fans are because basically everybody over 25 calls it the back rooms. Oh, like the Walmart, the Stein-Mart, the thing. And then everybody, under 25, who is a fan of the movie, calls it back rooms. So you did really well. Thanks a lot. I try to keep it touch with the youth. Can you tell me what happens? So it's less scary when I go see it? Yes, okay. So I'm going to start at the end. So here's the thing about back rooms. It's the truth. I don't think back rooms is an empirically scary movie. It weirdly, to me, I can't believe this movie is as popular as it is. It's like a strange, Eastern European mood piece that happened to be an internet meme that a bunch of people came to see. But when I saw the movie before it went out, I was like, oh, these kids then they're going to be upset that this is not more jump scary and all that stuff, but they fucking loved it. And I was so happy. I was at a days in in upstate New York and it had this, it had built this kind of indoor space between what had previously been a motel and there was an arcade that was making noise 24 hours a day, fake plants and a kind of pool. So the whole room had that kind of indoor pool smell. And it was the spookiest fucking liminal space. I feel like people, there's something about, 'cause I remember when the videos of the back room started going-- Were you there? You were watching it and you were okay. I was seeing them and I was really freaked out by them and then you start to experience these liminal spaces. And there really is a lot of people that they're stumbled upon these places and they feel like they've kind of broken through to the other side of the matrix. And I don't know what it is about the moment of not being able to trust what you see that we're all kind of ready to believe that behind the door of a place that seems normal is a kind of true back area where it's all being run. Do you feel that? Well, I feel a couple of those things. I think that there's this thing that kids, I don't know if you've ever been around kids who, they have this great fear that their parents may not be the real parents. And it's a very consistent thing with kids. And my kids, when they were like maybe three, four, and five years old, one of them in particular, she would hug me at night and she would put her hand inside my shirt to feel and make sure that there was still like my body underneath this thing. And it's this deep fear that everything that we see and that we trust the most might actually not be what we think it is. And to me, that's the core of the liminal space fear. It's like this is just a millimeter off from reality and I'm not gonna be able to tell. And it's gonna go bad. Yeah. (audience laughs) It's like you and I are on a talk show kind of right now. Yeah, it's kind of, kind of. But it's like, but it's a little bit different, right? Yeah, it's something's a little bit off for sure. Yeah. And like if everybody's like really quiet, there's like the subtle, like little. (audience laughs) You hear it? Yeah, there's something not right. But I think that's my energy as a host. (audience laughs) Yeah, that's it. Yeah, we're good. (audience laughs) So you had to like make a statement because people were trying to suggest that you had speaking of things not being what they've seen, that you had secretly directed backwards. Yeah, there was this weird thing that happened where it all sort of makes sense. Cain Parsons, who directed this film, was 19 when he directed the movie. Which I think is disgusting. Which is disgusting. And we all hate him because of that, right? But we have to find different ways to sort of operationalize that hate so we don't look petty. Right. And the main way that this materialized was people saying, "Oh, Mark DuPlaus was on set. "He's a mentor of young filmmakers. "He clearly goes directed the movie." That was sort of this thing that went around. So I bravely came out on my social media accounts. So brave. Yeah, it was very brave, you know? So powerful. And I let everybody know that Cain is a great director, which is true that he directed the movie by himself that he didn't need any help for me, which is also true. But at the same time in my braveness, I just wanted to let everybody know because I had a relatively small role in the film that I could insert myself into the conversation in a meaningful way to maybe get some more roles out of it. Right, right. That's cool. See, that's the real brave role. That's Hollywood. That's Hollywood. That's how it works. That's somebody who knows the business. You also co-wrote Magic Hour with your wife, Katie, who also directed, and it's the first time you worked with her since, I think, 2012. Is that right? Yeah, I mean, we do little things together, but this is the first time we had done something very meaningful. Yeah. Are there pitfalls to working with your spouse because it's like you're together all day so you can't come home at the end of the day and talk about your day. How much time you got? You guys got time? You know, listen, we just got to go a few more minutes to face mattress. Okay. But I used to work with my husband. Yeah. So, as you might imagine, it's a love-hate thing. For us, it's just love. So you're stuff, of course. Oh. Yeah. So, yeah. Well, it's weird because Katie and I are, we are getting divorced. Oh no. Yeah. I hate to hear that. So, all right. So here's the thing. We're not getting divorced. You're deeply in love. Yeah. You have a deeply, you have a kind of repatious love for your wife. We are notoriously sort of somewhere between co-dependent and interdependent, which is kind of what the movie Magic Hour is about to a certain degree. It was us expressing this sort of feeling of, isn't this everything you ever wanted to be so close with someone that you feel that you really can't live without them. But we have become so inextricably intertwined that it can be a little problematic. And we think it's half good and half bad, so we decided to sort of make a movie about it. But to your previous question, I think for me, I'm really grateful that this thing that I do, telling stories that I take very seriously, that it encapsulates the highs and lows of my day, can be understood by the person sleeping next to me rather than sleeping to someone who works at doctors without borders, or is like-- - You know what I'm talking about? - I can't stand those people. - Because you sleep next to them, and you want to complain about the fact that you weren't able to get your full vision across on Take 4, and they're like-- - Yeah, we fix the cleft palate. - You don't get to talk about Take 4 when the cleft palate's sleeping next to you. - Right, right. Which is, in a way, it's like almost insulting to you. - Yeah. - So it's like, your work matters. Like, who the fuck is this doctor? - Yeah. to act like you. Your work doesn't matter with their whole energy. This is why it's enough with the doctors. - Yeah. (audience laughing) - That's why I've come here basically. (audience laughing) - Look, if you take nothing away from this show, it's like we got to knock the doctors down a path. (audience laughing) They all high on their own supply. Speaking of people coming after you're in line, you had a modern love conversation with the times in which you and your wife talked about being codependent. And then people got mad at you for suggesting you were codependent because they were like, that's not codependent. - That's not codependent. - You're just independent or interdependent. - Or interdependent or just maybe just clingy. - Yeah, you're super, and I don't really understand the difference myself. I did find it interesting to learn that you and your wife have the same therapist that you don't see as couples. - That's true. - You do, but you see individually. You share a therapist that you see for individual sessions. That is intimate. - Yeah, some people would say that that is a conflict of interest. And I would have a hard time making a code argument otherwise. But for me, it sort of happens serendipitously. Like when you find a good therapist, it's the greatest thing in the world. And there are waiting lists and it is so hard to find. Harder than finding someone to marry, I would argue. And so we found the great therapist, and it was like, well, who's gonna go? Well, we're both gonna go. Now there's this ancillary benefit that I just really love, which is like, I can't paint Katie in some unilateral way that this therapist doesn't have other information about. And sort of like, get her to say that I'm right and make me feel good and ram jam that situation to stroke my ego. She knows Katie empirically on her own, also saves a ton of time with exposition. She knows all the story. I can just jump right in. To me, it's win-win. I'm sure someone out there is like, you have so many blind spots on this right now. You have no idea. - Yeah, no, I mean, like I'm not in therapy because they said I didn't need it. - They did, they did, they said I was good. And then I didn't need anymore, which was cool. They're like, you're set, never come back. - Transcended forever? - Yeah, we've never had this happen before, but you've cracked the whole thing. Actually, I'm gonna just start telling you about my problems. Now, inspired by your modern love episode, we're gonna play a game, we're calling, love it, and please God don't leave it. I'm gonna give you a scenario and you're gonna answer, is this too clingy or is it just right? All right, first up. Only being able to go to the dentist, if your spouse holds your hand, that's just right. That to me, that is a level of vulnerability that I think we all hope to achieve, which is I'm 49 years old. I should be not afraid to go to the dentist. You love me enough that I could admit this to you, and you'll not only still ideally want to fuck me at the end of the day. You'll walk me in, and you'll get a free toothbrush at the same time. - What's your restaurant ordering process? Is it assumed that even if you order individually, you're sharing is this a little different, but I'm glad you asked, because in a truly interdependent relationship, like we have, there are these areas where we defer to each other, and we know we're going to defer to each other. So I don't have the most sophisticated culinary palettes, whereas Katie does. So when we go to the restaurant, there's gonna be two entrees and an appetizer, all of which will be her choices, that she thinks could be good. One and a half of those will work for her, and then I'll eat the other stuff. - And we're both totally happy to do that. That being said, when it comes time to sit down for a movie, she tends to fall asleep early at night. So I'm always gonna pick the movie, 'cause she'll fall asleep in 20 minutes, and then I'll ride out and pick the movie I wanna watch. So we have these little areas that we are like, captain and co-capt enough. - Do you have individual shows? - Very thought out, you guys. - The therapy is great. Do you have individual shows and group shows? Or, you know what I mean? 'Cause I have shows that are like, so I know that Ari's gonna watch Love Island, and that's their thing, and I'm not participating in that, but then if they were to watch El's Beth, I feel like, no, no, no, that's our thing. - This is our thing, yeah. So I did a show called The League with the great Paul Sheer, many years, and he, yeah, I got some fans out there, and he was asked to speak at a wedding, and he realized that by the time it got to him, everybody had said everything he wanted to say, so he was like, shit, I gotta come up with something on the spot. So his advice to the couple that he thought of in the moment was, do not hold each other hostage on any of the shows you wanna watch together. Let each other go, and you'll have a happy marriage. (laughing) - I thought that was really, really good about that. - I thought that was really, really beautiful. So Katie and I don't hold each other to those things, 'cause there are times when you're out of town, you get an episode ahead, I once lied about it, and told her I hadn't seen the episode. - She can't pull that off, she can't pull that out. - She can't pull that out on me in like minute two. - I have to tell you something, I don't think there's not a person with blood in their veins who hasn't thought, I'm gonna watch the episode and then fake it and watch it again. - Yeah, you know what I mean? You've thought about it, it's like a fantasy, you know? - Yes. - You ever had like a, it's almost like, it's similar to the thing of like when you had a paper do, and you thought, what if I fake that I broke my leg? You know, and you never actually go through it. Once in a while some sociopath will do it, and you'll be like, oh my God, that was the kid at my school that pretended they broke their leg. You think about it, but you don't do it. - I did it. - I did it. - You did it. - Yeah, I did it, and I was quickly caught, and there wasn't sex at night, but it's okay. (laughing) - We came back around. - But sex 364 other days of the year. - Hey, what was the next thing you were doing? - Insisting your beloved leaves the door open while using the bathroom, so you can still talk. - Katie's put up a boundary. - Cool. - For those of you who have children in the audience, you know that, or dogs, or needy rescue dogs, there are these moments when you start to open the bathroom doors, 'cause the kids want to get in, the dogs want to get in. Our kids are older now, they don't want to do that anymore, and so we had an open door policy for a little while, and then a few years ago, Katie was like, we're gonna shut the door. So I was like, I respect that. You know, little wounded. But when she's in there, I do like to pass by the door and just do a little. (laughing) And she gets a little angry, but then a little giggle, and it's nice. One time I thought it was like the middle of the night, and I woke up to go to the bathroom, and I thought Ari was sleeping next to me, but it was actually the dog had jumped in to Ari's spot, and so I just went and opened the bathroom door, and we both screamed loud enough to wake the whole neighborhood, just a full blood-curdling scream from the toilet, followed by a full blood-curdling scream from me, causing the dog to jump off the bed in panic, and then we had to take the dog to the vet, 'cause she heard her leg from the panic screaming, 'cause she was so afraid to know-- - And she couldn't turn her homework in the next day. - No, she was absolutely shocked. - The whole thing was terrible. That is an incredible horror movie. I mean, that's like invasion of the body snatchers, like I see something this person is, how can they are there in the bed, too? - Right, it was very spooky. You know what problem is with invasion of the body snatchers? I'm glad you brought it up. - It's not good for me, too. - Oh, I don't agree with that. I don't think it was. You don't think it's a good film. You don't think the Donald Sutherland version is good. Here's my problem, they don't snatch the bodies. They just kill you. They just kill you and use the shape. If they grow a new one, I thought invasion of the body snatchers is, they have a body, they snatch you, replace the brain. No, they take you and desiccate you and make a new plant version of you that only talks like you. They're not snatchin' the bodies. They just kill you. - You know? - 'Cause here's the invasion of the body killers. - If you and I were like 23 years old and living in deep Brooklyn and apartment together, and we hadn't like yet made it in the industry, and you said that to me, I'd be like, okay, tonight. - I made it next to the industry, yeah. - We're going to make this short film. We're gonna dress you up as like, you know, siskel. And you're gonna give the review of invasion of the body snatchers. Someone who clearly loves the movie but has to give it a zero review 'cause there's no snatching. - Hey, that four minute short film monologue needs to be done. - Here's my feeling. I just learned something about you and us, which is, why do I have to be siskel? Why can't you be siskel? I wanna be fucking avert. You're siskel. - You wanna be avert? - Shit, you're avert. I'm siskel. - You're siskel. - You do have that specific type of anger. It just showed it. - You think I have a siskel energy, yeah. - Kind of like a vaguely, like, kind of, niles crane adjacent, kind of nose. - Oh, it's like, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the big man nine out of 10 times. But on number 10, you're gonna, like, breathe wrong and I'm gonna tear your face off. - Okay, you're avert, I'm siskel. That's right. Tracking your significant other's location. Do you have find my on on your phones? - We do. - Whole family's got it, the two daughters, my wife and myself. - I find it's interesting that there are some couples, great couples that are like, no, never, and then there are some that like, of course, why not. And it's an interesting divide. - What do you guys do? - We're on, I like, no, and we're always seeing each other's location. - Has there ever been a moment for you where you're like, oh, there's a little white lie here, I'd like to tell, but he's got, they've got my location, so what do I do? - This is gonna sound, it's a birthday present shopping. - Yeah, I swear, that's great. That's when I try to turn it off. But you are posturing for the audience. - No, I know. - I want them to think you're amazing. - Plus, you know, plus my affairs, but the other thing. - Recognize, yeah, yeah. - Plus my affairs. All right, let's see, holding hands while driving, that seems wrong. - We do it all the time. - No. (audience laughing) - We do it all the time. There is a thing where Katie's grandparents were like our heroes, because when I met them, he would always, he would never let her pass without, like, giving her a little cute little tap on the butt, and the recording. and I saw it and I was like he's not always wanting to do this and she's not always wanting to receive this but there is a fake it to make itness where they just keep doing this and they have kept that rhythm up and it is and it's sustained them so Katie and I saw that we're like okay 20% of the time we're not gonna feel like doing this but we're going to do it so we can stay in the rhythm and it's just just kind of wrote buttpats that's the secret to a happy life you get it I'm in you get it I'm gonna go home tonight hmm shit's gonna change yeah and you can watch magic hour the movie you wrote with your wife Katie is now on video on demand and we'll be right back hey don't go anywhere there's more of love it or leave it coming up love it or leave it is brought you by helix sleep oh my gosh it's so important a good night's rest sets you up for a great next day so I was supposed to wake up I like I don't know what the person I believe I'm gonna be on Monday morning when I'm making this plan on Sunday morning but I was like you know what I'm gonna get up early and go to a gym class on Monday morning before I come in and I woke up early and I was like I'm just gonna sleep an extra hour but then pundit was up and so pundit just barked at me for the hours but I didn't get the sleep anyway tough but today I feel great because of my helix mattress he looks livers your mattress writes your door with free shipping the US how do they know which mattress is right for you you take the helix sleep quiz and I'll match you with the perfect mattress based on your personal preferences and sleep needs they have over 20 mattress models so you can find the perfect model for you that happy with helix guarantee offers a risk-free customer first experience designed to 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you start your morning AG one helps you maintain energy support your gut health and supports a moon health the next gen formula delivers seventy five plus ingredients clinically shown to support gut health fill common nutrient gaps and improve key nutrition levels within three months you should really just in the morning you know like whatever you need that day maybe going to go to a Chick-fil-A maybe you know McDonald's maybe go on a party whatever you're not gonna have a salad have a vitamin to start the day boy you feel better you know you know you hit your you got some good stuff in there you know drink AG one dot com slash love it to get a free AG one travel case with seven free AG one travel packs in your welcome kit with your first AG one subscription order while supplies last that's drink AG one dot com slash love it and we're back hi everybody please welcome to the stage x marks the spot it also marks our next guess please welcome the stage x mile hi welcome bring it in nice to meet you thanks for being here first of all love love love the love the jumpsuit I'm gonna go through your phone that's cool okay he has very I'm intimate with his he's a clingy guy you get used to it you you see like that the whole time sometime I get lower okay I just don't I feel no no that's good it opens up your hips you know now that I'm I'm approaching forty I'm you know getting out the bed in sections so you know I have a I have a mile facial person you know that's nothing that you what is a mile so you have fascia oh my god I'm obsessed with this okay thank you okay fascia is in between the bone it protects the bones you got to work that out so it's like above the muscles so that stuff needs to move so if think about if you open up a orange and you pill it apart all that white shit that's fascia we got to work that out and she's very stubborn interesting yeah so it's like when I went to go see her I was like oh because I'm trying to for this fitness competition I was like hey we need to work on my running she was like do you know how to walk and I was like bitch me walk since I was two like what you mean you know it's like somebody actually like you know how to talk John like Mark do you know how to like right it's like yeah you know how to write you've been writing for forever you know like yeah so I was like walk and so she was like give it you don't know how to walk so yeah I think I need to go to this person because I think I don't know how to walk my game is so weird and she said she opened up my hips and I was like my hips close you know like I didn't know that was a thing yeah John can we see them yeah I'll show you my weird walk it's a weird gate it's hard to do it I'll be self-conscious but I don't try to walk as if no one's here just try yeah it's a little weird yeah I think I think you're I think you're primed to fall because it's like it's like a one step and it doesn't really make sense like you see what I mean I can't even describe it's a weird gate and there's a lot of it's hard to know what the problem is but there's something not quite right with how I'm walking I'm in very good shape the left foot's going out a little bit yes and my grandfather had that as well we had the outgoing left foot oh so you inherited that I think so yeah like a heirloom with your grandfather Daniel De Lewis he did that movie my left foot you know what no but but he but Daniel De Lewis studied my grand draw there wow to get into the character and that's what's so amazing about that okay hey you you are writing for the BET Awards yes yes I just live work any any tips if you want to make money on calcium like you know best artists or anything like that you want to make money on those betting markets I'm like the calcium betting markets that's where people bet on real world events through through so for it would literally be like how long before John falls walking across the stage and you put and you can make one minute you can bet on seconds you know yeah wait that's the thing yeah it's terrible wait it's all as you can like bet on the right I bet right now you can bet I should have this really what it is you can probably bet on that the BET Awards right now right okay well I mean don't do it I think there's like it's like it's theoretically dubious in law and the law is a bit murky but yeah that's a big Trump person that they'll come after you yeah yeah yeah so don't inside or trade if you do know who wins best male hip hop artists of the year but tell me after yeah I'm a whisper to yeah yeah yeah and you know all you get your B-quat don't worry about that B-quat that's like that's like crypto you sure yeah okay that's another version of fake money you'll make so I will help we'll do it you know okay well I will for the BET Awards I don't know what you said it's called calisthenics it's Cal sheet Cal sheet Cal sheet Cal sheet yeah okay I don't know what they would do on Cal show know how to vote but I would say watch it to help my residual great perfect perfect when you were writing for the daily show yes you know we come on oh thank you thank you mr. Trevor Noah keep what was your strategy for keeping up with the news all the time without losing it because I don't have one yeah I think there's a point when working in specifically something like the daily show where you're no longer human so it kind of like broke me down because I got to a point so my mentor my everything my sins says you've been praying he's still there juvenile performing together you see be long story short I had no idea what the fuck he did at the daily short anything like that to me he was an improv god and I was about to move back to LA because I'm from LA born and raised I did New York for five years I was like I'm not spending another fucking winner here and I broke so I was like god listen I'm out of here I gotta go he was like I'm gonna pitch you to Trevor to write for the show and I said no god as in him up there right Jesus yeah no I don't know who you serve I respect that no I got it right yeah I'm opening everybody everybody faith is right be Buddhist yoga bow down to a lollipop I don't give a fuck just try to be better you know right so I just want to say that you know I believe in interfaith and all of that okay so when I was I got I can't be here and be broke right so then jubin was like hey I'm going to pitch you to Trevor to write for the show and I said what the fuck do you do right because you know LA everybody's an agent everybody got a corner everybody do something like what do you do it he could be working crafty you know like what do you do and he was like oh I'm a producer for the show and I was like okay great so then once I got there I'm saying that because with jubin there was a point where I forgot what the fuck the story was about and I was like jubin I can't I can't make a joke about like we can't make a joke I can't make a joke about like I can't like I just felt so like this is immoral like this this we can't make a joke about this person he looked me in my eye and he fucking did a Jedi mind you look me my I didn't like he said ex there's always a joke and from that point on I have become the most problematic person I mean that's beautiful I like that there's always a joke I got two sketches for you you know like I just yeah I just had funerals it's bad I have to like to like turn it off like because I see it but so so what I'm saying is like I was able to like keep up with it because there's a part of me that kind of just died and to do the job you know essentially but then there was because I'm such an actor because I'm such an artist there will be the other part of me that will come back up which is helpful because I'm very passionate so there would be certain jokes that I feel hit more because there was emotion behind it and Trevor such a fucking brilliant genius so yeah so I I had to get a Twitter do not have Twitter because they were like Trump could take a zick out you know you got to be ready you guys see that see that little to zero and so I was like okay got ready we see it and so yeah so it was just like the internet and also being a black woman there's certain stories that I'm like I care about that are like you know maybe like the masses or the traditional daily show audience wouldn't so I'm on other outlets as well tells them like Trevor what if we talk about this because there's a way to like surprise the audience do stuff. It's like, okay, we know with fucking, you know, New York Times is gonna say Washington Post, but it's like these other outlets, like the Jasmine brand, the shade room, like, you know, what's going on on Hollywood on Lack? Like what's the ear to the streets? And because Trevor is, you know, Lack. And so he's like, wants to know those things as well. So I think that was great too, because he has such an international voice. So yeah, that was my long-wind answer, I'm so sorry. - No, that was good. (audience applauding) - Mark, did you ever have any strange encounters with the TSA at the airport? - Well, I noticed at a certain point that I was getting away with more liquids than I should. - You guys noticed this lately? - Yes, it seems it's like I forgot, and I put the big toothpaste in and I was like, oh, I'm gonna get, I didn't catch me. It seems as though, I think that's such an important and interesting point that we should all be chill about, and not make a big deal of. But it seems like they know the liquid rule was bad, the government, but they're also afraid that if they announce that all liquids are good, next thing, you know, the bad liquid bomb thing happens again. So they have to kind of allow the rule to go away without ever actually letting the rule go away, and we all live in a kind of gray zone where it's like, as long as it could be more than 3.4, but it can't feel like more than 3.4, you know? Everybody's getting very viby at the TSA. - Which is, that's why it's so confusing because that's what a fluid energy is not something we're used to at the airport. If your bag is 50 pounds and 0.1 fucking ounce, and extra $200, you're done. There's no fluidity there. But, so yeah, it's a theory. The problem is, I wish we knew someone who like worked there, who like-- - I know, I wish there was something we could ask who had maybe been in the TSA, worked there, could kind of give their expertise. - Wait, to X-mount, did you work for the TSA? - Yes. - And you were a TSA agent. - This is crazy. - This is crazy. - And so you were a TSA agent from 2008 to 2010. - Yes, a little over 2010, yes. I did my bid, I did my time at LAX. - At LAX? - Yes. - T4, baby. - Oh, nice to see you. - T4. - T4. - T4. - International. - No, no, no, that's American. - Yeah, that's American, sometimes it would, you can connect-- - You can connect. Sometimes you get-- Sometimes you get an American flag. You're like, where am I walking? And then all of a sudden, you're in it. - So, wait, what was your TSA experience like? - It was amazing. I love working. And I genuinely love people. And I thrive in customer service. And I feel like that was like a real customer service job. I did not fuck around, I took my job very seriously. I didn't realize at the time because I didn't have the comedic language to say that I was doing bits or that I was just like, you know, I'm just, I have always just been horny for the stage. I've been performing since I was eight. So, when I got to TSA at 23, I had quit acting for the second time. I was like, fuck it, I'll get a job. 'Cause at that point, I've been auditioning for 11 years, never booked. And I was like, okay, well, maybe this isn't the thing. So then I would never want to be tagged out of the mag where you make the announcements. I fucking loved it because you had to listen to me. So I had like an audience that was forced. And if you fucked up, you wouldn't get on your flight. You wouldn't listen to me. Okay, fine, you were, well then you are exhibiting terrorists activity on a digital screen. You know, so I loved it. And everyone, no one loved to talk, no one wants to do anything. So I'm like, yeah, leave X there for the whole fucking thing. And so, yeah, no, I loved it. But I took my job very seriously. I did find things. The general public is very stupid. (audience laughs) And they, what's an example of something you found? I know it's a. Well, especially back then in like 2008, like, I mean, I'm from LA. So like, marijuana to me was like always legal. But I know I got like officially legal at some point. And so you guys had like marijuana cards, right? But people would put their weed in foil and put that through the x-ray. Then people would make homemade panties and put money in foil, wrap it in and zip it in there, go through the walkthrough. Like, this is all metal. That's not a good idea. No, it's not. But you caught somebody with another, someone with weed, right? And it's 100%. And you tell what happened. Because I don't think it's. I was surprised to learn where, where, where and how to do it. Where it was. Yeah. Okay. So it was my last day. I decided to quit. And I was like, 'cause Marlon Wayans came through and I was like, oh my god, you're my king. How do I like get back into the industry? And he was like, you have to ride to you, right? And I was like, I ride a text message. And he's like, no, you have to fucking take this. You're seriously? So you know, I'm like 24 and I'm like, oh my god. Marlon Wayans told me I have to go after my dream. You know, like, it's just that young, I love being ignorant and having audacity in her 20s is the fucking best, right? So it's like, I'm leaving. I'm going back to pursue my dream. So it was my last day and then this woman walks in. So to the untrained eye, we get a lot of heavy training at TSA. To the untrained eye to all of you, she'd just be walking. But I was like, this bitch is up to something, right? So when she was like, walking and then she started to be a little too frazzled for me when I was like, hey, can you send her in for additional screening? Like, if you don't need additional screening, you'd be like, okay, cool, whatever. But sometimes people amp it up like, what? Why me? Like, what? I don't have anything. And it's like, god, you do. So when they like brought her in, I had fucking terrible ass fucking manager, voice says he'd love. He would write you up for 30 seconds. Like, you just fucking asshole. So when she came in, I'm like, okay, this is a fucking test from headquarters. Voice says, fucking with me on my last day. You fucking bitch. So when she comes in, legally, I can graze your sensitive area. Right? I have the right to do that. So as when I was like patting her down, I have a vagina. She has a vagina. I felt something that I'm like, I don't think that's what should be in a vagina. A vagina shouldn't feel that way, right? And at the TSA, when you feel something, you hold something, right? So I had to cup her vagina and say, man, what is this? Right? And she was like, oh, my god, I have a tampon. I said, I need to see it. She was like, need to see it. It's blood. I said, it was blood on 9/11, bitch. I don't play by my job. Why do you think I'm here? I'm gonna give a damn. I need to see in there. That's right. No, I was an officer of the law. Officer of the law. Protecting the country from terrorists. John, the FBI didn't have shit on me. Am I blue bad? Oh, baby. Absolutely not. So then she was like, OK, OK, OK, it's just something when I said, well, you lied to me. Your exhibit is like an activity. So go in this room, take your panties off right now. So I had another woman in there with me. I had another person, like another officer in there for additional screening. So she drops her panties. And she's like pops out this coat at camera case and has Steve Erkel on the front that says, did I do that with a little more than a dime sack of weed inside the camera case? I said, do you know that weed is legal? She was like, yes, I said, you could have just had a card. Like, you didn't have to do this. So in my mind, I'm like, moist says, it's fucking with me, right? Again, this is a test from head of course. Nobody could be this fucking stupid. So while I'm like, hi, hi, moist says, on my last day, really gonna fucking do that to me? He was like, ex, no, you really caught someone. I was like, fuck me. Because now I have to do six hours of fucking paper or if it is bitch. (audience laughing) So then she gets arrested. It's like, yeah, why did you do that? But like, yeah, she had like the dress she was wearing in this in the sedan. And it's like, yeah, you think. And also like, the pussy is far more powerful than that. But you could have a hefty bag of weed in that shit. You really wasted for this little shit? And also like, get it in there. Like, it was literally like, because the thing is like, it could be a deadner, it could be a buy. I would need to fucking get there, play with her pussy and detonate the bomb. I don't know what's in there, John. You don't know what's in there. You're trying to help your serving the country. You're in uniform. You respect people in uniform. Right. Yeah, you say vote save America, ex saved America. Ex saved America. Yeah. Hello. All right. So yeah. So that was one of my stories at TSA. Well, we do have a little surprise for you. We do. She's here with us tonight. (audience cheering) Wow. Still got weed in her pussy. My lord. And we'll be right back. Yeah. There's more of Love It or Leave It. Coming up. Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Thrive Market. Thrive Market takes the house lot of grocery shopping. You can easily filter by your specific dietary needs or health goals to find the perfect alternatives for you. No stressing over labels or googling every additive. Every product and brand is vetted before they ever hit the site. The in-app barcode scanner finds a healthier swamp from most anything in your pantry right now. Member pricing up to 30% off plus weekly sales plus free gas plus price matching plus three delivery on qualifying orders. All in the membership. 90 plus filters means you're only seeing what works for you. High protein, low sugar, GLP, one friendly, gluten-free keto and more. No more decision fatigue. Your filtered results only show you what fits your household. There's a lot of great stuff you can get on Thrive Market. You get grots of olive oil, which I really like. You can get primal kitchen sauces like their special sauce burger sauce for, you know, you can have a barbecue this summer. You can get organic nuts or dried fruits. You can get coconut oil, pasta, peanut butter. If you're ready to do your own spring reset, join Thrive Market with our link at ThriveMarket.com/loveit for $20 off your first three orders plus you'll get a free $60 gift. ThriveMarket.com/loveit. [MUSIC] And we're back. [APPLAUSE] Now, you're in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Yes, I know. You're in Disney Plus' Wonder Man. What's it like being-- I mean, you had been auditioning for years. You were given up. You were becoming a TSA agent. And you're back at it. Now you're a part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. You get to go home and be like, I told you. No, I think I never feel secure in this industry. I think I've been blessed to consistently and pay my own bills via living my dreams since 2018. But you know, we dealt with the strike. And I'm in the WGA and the SAG. And I feel like I just don't feel-- I never feel like totally secure. This is it or that I've arrived. There's so much that I want to do. And there's so many personal projects that I want to do. So I did feel excited and extremely grateful because I was shooting in Los Angeles, the city that I'm from, the city that I love so dearly. So that was amazing, but nothing in me. And once I did that, I felt like, oh, I did it. Or like, you know, I've arrived. You know, it just felt like, OK, this is amazing. This is a blessing. There's more work to do. But like being part of Marvel, like you must have like friends or family that are like-- Oh my God, yes. Like it must have-- It's got to be a nephew who thinks you're the shit. No, my baby brother, who is my everything and we're 17 years apart. So I'm his second mom and I'm his primary parent. That is the first time he's cared about anything that I've done. Like I've done movies, I've done multiple TV shows, been blessed to do all of that. And as soon as I told him, I call him Papa. I was like, Papa, I got booked to be in a Marvel show. He's like, oh my God, what are you wearing? Do you have powers? Do you fly? Who's it with? Is it Thor? I'm like, OK, listen, can you be happy for me? But yeah, he was so excited. That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was great. It was great. It was great working with Yaya, the whole team. I hope we get nominated for an Emmy and not even me personally. I think Yaya did an amazing job. Destiny Andrew were phenomenal, serving Kingsley. I mean, King. Thank you. That's so cool. It's also so fun that like a character that was kind of-- that they can make something that they can like bring that kind of character back and have a whole different kind of world. Yeah. It's like so different from like, I don't know. Like it is so different from like Thor. It's like a much more kind of L.A. kind of like Hollywood thing. It's so cool. We're here in L.A. as we're approaching the 4th of July holiday. And so we thought it would be a great time to look back at a mirror in history. But only the history events I have personally taken an interest in. In a segment, we're calling American History X-Mio. Woo! Hi, wow! And-- Wait, Mark, you're not playing? No, he's playing. Oh, OK. He was playing. He was playing, but we just thought American History X-Mio was a fun name. And even though it's a very dark film and it's unrelated to the game, we thought, well, we're not going to leave a pun like this on the floor. No. You know what I mean? You're going to leave-- You've got to use it, I've got to use it. It's got a great curb check scene in it. Truly. Mark, I hope you're OK with me touching you. I know black people. We're very like-- Like I-- I know. You know? Yeah, yeah. I'm so sorry. I did not ask for consent of talk. I'm wanting a little more. Yeah. OK. Sorry. We're very physical. You're so sweet. First up, question for you. Abraham Lincoln had a close male friend named Joshua Fry Speed. What did he and Josh share for four years in Springfield, Illinois? A sexual relationship. That's not known. But where would you have that relationship? In a bedroom. That's right. In a bed. They shared a bed. [CHEERING] Now, I was going to say gym membership. The gym membership? Well, I mean, they think they were getting exercise. I mean, bed sharing was common. But it was more of a kind of an necessity thing. They shared a bed even after Lincoln became a prominent lawyer who could afford his own home. So that's interesting. Yes. Everything I know about him is from Omeri. So-- Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah, they exchanged deeply affectionate love letters throughout their letters, throughout their lives. But that's what everyone did. So who knows? All right, back then. Yeah. Everyone was OK. All right, Mark. George Washington also had a gay friend. Baron Friedrich Wilhelm von Stuben, who historians believes had a close possibly home relationship with Prince Henry of Prussia. Baron von Stuben on the left, they have taken gayer shots than this. But, man, these are some-- look at these. Look at these flaming homos. The wings are great. Baron von Stuben was credited with forming Washington's men into a proper military force. During the Revolutionary War, what was the name of Washington's army? Oh, they were called-- it's also a kind of breakfast at a hotel. Oh, the Continental. You got it. The Continental. That's good. Yeah. Next question. Either we can take it. In April of 1861, the Battle of Fort Sumter raged for over 34 hours. The Confederacy firing over 3,000 rounds to force a Union defeat and ignite the Civil War. How many people died at the Battle of Fort Sumter? Zero. That's correct. Oh, wow. Not one. Good job. See, that's the only way that question becomes interesting. Right. Yes. They're silent. Yeah, I went the other way with it. Yeah, there's a-- I was on jeopardy. I lost. Aw. I'm sorry. Everybody got really sad. What was that? Right, Mark, you're really about to run down. That was right in the humor and I was like, comment, and get the last little nip of the laugh and that laugh's going to fade right into John's next question and it just went silent. I know. You know something? I was with you because I was caught off guard by the silence, which is why I like wasn't-- Because I was ready for what you were expecting me to hold things set up and you all let us down. In 1900, meteorologists scoffed at the idea that a hurricane could hit this city in Texas right before a catacasmic storm, technically a cyclone, caused the deadliest natural disaster in American history. Plano? Is not Plano. Austin, Texas. Is not Austin, Texas. Dallas, Texas. You said Texas. Galveston. Galveston. Galveston. I did not think. Galveston's on the freaking border. I did not think that. Well, because it was a bigger city, like it was a bigger city. You don't think about it as much as but at the time, boy, Galveston was hopping. Galveston was going off and then they're like, nothing could go wrong for us here in Galveston. What's the wind about? Forget it. Don't worry about it. Oh no. We're all dead. In the 19th, Galveston was that off the chain in the 19th century. It was crushing it. Yeah. It was crushing it. I don't really know how the story ends because I'm only three quarters of the way through that book. The story, literally, I'm reading a book about the 1900 hurricane in Galveston and right now the water is going up and they're like, this is weird. So let's literally, literally while I was driving, I was listening on my way to the office and I got to the office and it was like, and then the water was hitting the bottoms of the horses but everyone was still going about their day. That's not good. I don't think it ends well for those people. No, not for that horse. In Los Angeles, there's a mile of Hollywood between Santa Monica and Fairfax and Hollywood in the brain where everything is diagonal, diagonal streets, diagonal buildings, and even diagonal swimming pools. Why? Why are there diagonal buildings in one square mile of Hollywood? Okay, diagonal is slant. Slant. Yeah. Okay. I'm bad at math. So they all go like this. Yeah, just on that one stretch because it's the epicenter of Los Angeles and everything was designed like painting from the way out in and they had some fucked up. Interesting. That's good. I think like painting himself in no corner or something like that. Well, in a sense, it was because- Oh. Oh, that's shady. Who did that? You are a shady boogie. We got to know what? The Russian judge is on the buzzer. Okay. That was good comedic time. It was a well time buzz. It was because it was to accommodate the streetcars turning around and the streetcars can't make hard right turns. I'm from New Orleans. I should have known that shit. Yeah, the city used to have an incredible network of streetcars and then we ripped them out of the ground and now everyone's like, "Burp, drag it." And you know what that sound means? It's high for the Coca-Cola history lightning round. What? Yes! And it sounds like they're a sponsor. They're not a sponsor. That sounds like a branded segment and God willing one day it will be. What year was Diet Coke introduced the American public having its official premiere at the Gala at Radio City Music Hall? 1923. False. Wrong. 1956. Later. 1961. Later. 2005. Or in yours later than his. 2000. Earlier. 1999. Earlier. You're James United. You're James United. You're James United. You're James United. 1982. The Year by Birth. Diet Coke. I got it right. Wait a minute. Why is so late? I don't know. It's awesome. That's Joe Nameth. It's so fucking on a Coke bottle. Diet Coke bottle. I need love in every second of it. What a dream. What a world it was before. So you really love Coke? Love Diet Coke. Yeah. Yeah. Diet Coke. Okay. What year did Coca-Cola remove cocaine from the ingredient list? It makes growing concerns about addiction. 2021. (Laughter.) Earlier. 2005. What? Much earlier. 1971. Where earlier? 1919. Very close. Yeah. I'll give it to you. 1903. Wow. Yeah. Where? When was it invented? I don't have that information on the card, but what a bummer to have been a huge fan of Coke and then you buy it on the next day, you know, like, this isn't working. What are they? What do they do? You know? I know that that was just like a dumb bit that like a median said, like, and it's like such a easy joke, but there really was Coke. There was Coke in. And finally, what was the name of the first pre-cocacolatonic that the inventor John Styth Pemberton developed on his path to creating Coca-Cola, and I'll give you a hint. It's Dr. Blank's compound syrup of blank. Again, this man is not a doctor. Yes. It's impossible to guess. So I'll say that. Dr. Blank. I want to guess. Yeah. Go ahead. It's the doctor's blank compound syrup of blank. Dr. Brown's compound syrup of Brown. Good guess, good guess. Dr. Good's compound syrup of. Zinc. Wow, very close. It was Dr. Tuggles, compound syrup of globe flower. Globe flower. Don't you want a nice ice cold glass of Dr. Tuggles? Dr. Pepper, that sucks. I want Dr. Tuggles. That's insane. Wonder man, now on Disney+. Right? Wait, what are you doing? I'm doing it. I thought it was on Coca-Cola. The game's over. Oh, okay. Okay, I was like, are you tweaking? I'm sorry. You can fail to track my smooth segue into your blood. Yeah, I'm so sorry. I just looked you dead in the eye and said, "Wonder man, on Disney+. That's how I did it." Yes, you did that. TV show, movie. Yeah. Yeah, microphones. You will be right back. Oh, my God, John. So sorry. I feel like an asshole. I didn't know that that's what you were doing. It was a perfect moment. It was fantastic. It was fantastic. And if you're not, if I'm doing something and you're not reading it, that's because I'm a strange person. I bring a weird energy to this. This is not normal hosting. There's something quite off about how I run this operation. And it's built it. It's okay if I agree with you. No, I'm not sensitive about it. I'm not sensitive about it. You're a sweet boy. We're going to use this. This is all in the show now. No, he's not the one to commercial break. We're back. Oh, hi! Oh, my God, John. I've never come back. It's my last time. I'm a man. I'm going to be banned. My name's going to be out on that door. Joy, we're having good time. We're having a good time. Right? Yeah. We're fine. No, we're great. Yeah, we're good. I like you. We're good. I mean, you can't leave. We haven't even brought marijuana for a giant of women. Oh, yes. That is a great improv name for marijuana. We didn't bake a giant cake for that woman to jump out of and not use it. And we're back. And we're back. But we're already been back. What a wonderful time we've had. The producers of this show, in the other hand, have notes, which is why it's time for a segment we call second thoughts. And here's how it works. I have a list of reasons I should feel regret for how I've conducted myself during this very episode. And if you have anything you regret about tonight, you can share it now. Because we're just going to deal with the things we've learned that maybe you know, we're not perfect. You don't have to be. And you don't have to be. Let's see. One thing I might regret is that I put the words, "Enjoy kissing the devil in the French way, bitch." And I had that, that was a quote in my mind, by founding father John Adams. But I don't regret that. Oh, I did refer to bald eagles as "fags." But that's when it's a group, right? Right. Yeah, I know. No, not a -- Whoa! No, you're right. No, that's okay. You guys, no. You guys, no. I said Hollywood squares. I know too many facts when it's like -- It's a group of pandas. They're like, "Butch." It's like a thing. Yeah, no, for sure. But -- No, have me pride. No. No. No. No. A group of -- Right. You are not going to be canceled. A group of -- A group of -- A group of creuses called a murder, and a group of eagles is called a "fag." Right. No, that's deadass. And we're back. [ Laughter ] Oh, my God. I got two upset things about an imaginary spouse who works at doctors without borders. [ Laughter ] And then I got pretty animated about invasion of the body snatchers and whether it's a good title. I think it's not a good title. They don't snatch the bodies. You inspired a short film idea. Yeah. Why would we regret that? Why would you have any regrets? Um, yes. [ Laughter ] You don't even tell us what they are if you don't want. No, I do. It's about Mark. Oh, what is it? So, when I was upstairs talking to Mark, I didn't know who he was. [ Laughter ] So, I felt like -- so when we were talking, I'm like, "This is such a sweet, sweet white boy." I know he was a comedian because you know a comedian. You get to -- you're like, "Oh, you're funny." Right? So, like, we're just talking to everything like that. And he's talking about things that he's done and everything like that. So, as soon as he walks down, I'm like, back rooms. Oh, my fucking God. How did I -- I felt like such an idiot. I felt so bad. I regret that. Like, not clocking that. And just, like, he's -- and his brother. They just -- I know Asperger's are. I'm just like, "Oh, my God. It all, like, hit me." Oh. And I felt so bad. And although he's, like, so humble and didn't need any of that, like, I was literally talking to him normally. I see my way he did, but back rooms. I feel like it's such a brilliant movie. I have nothing to do with it. I'm not getting paid. This is not an ad. But that little white boy, he know what the fuck he doing. [ Laughter ] He got one. Back rooms was incredible. I saw it opening weekend. You're so -- Like, my -- I regret that. I'm so -- I'm so sorry. I feel like you wouldn't even care. Like, you're such a normal fucking person, which makes me love you even more. But it didn't hit me. So, I regret that. Look, I just want to say that. He's been seating the whole person. First of all. First of all, I have no ego about all that stuff. No, I know. It's totally fine. But I -- but I do -- I should say, though, that I regret all the names that I called you in my head. I didn't realize who I was. And I'm going to just -- I'm going to write them in your phone. Okay. And then you just -- we'll just -- we'll meet here next week. And we're going to work it out. Okay? All right. All right. I love you. No, no, Mark, he's great. No, clap it up again for him. He's so humble and sweet. And you're like -- you're a legend. I feel like an idiot. And, yeah, I regret that. The audience, we thought, should have a second thought about failing to appreciate the Jeopardy thing. And then I have a second thought for not following up with even a little bit about celebrity Jeopardy. He said, "I was on celebrity Jeopardy." And I said, "Wow." And then moved on. You didn't say, "Wow." I didn't say, "Wow." You said nothing. I said nothing. I just -- I just went, "Huh. Just -- I just sort of did -- Give me your phone. I'm going to put that shit in there, too." And then he just got back to opening the mips. He just got there. Yeah. You got to work at it. You got to open the mips. Hey, do you have any regrets, Mark? Oh. That I didn't sit like this. It's comfortable, right? The whole show. It's nice. It's not comfortable. Really? Do you have your fashion woman's name for me? Yeah. Because I didn't know what to do. Yeah, Charlene. Yeah. She's a city of city. Okay. She's phenomenal. Great. I need it. Because one of the regret is, I shouldn't show people my gate. You know what? My gate, my strange wall. My strange, disconcerting way of moving through the world. No. I kind of -- I sometimes feel like -- Well, nah. I could be harder. But you know what I've noticed? You know what I think? Sometimes I think, what if -- Uh-huh. -- in the simulation, the walk that I was assigned was accidentally taken from that part of the Scorsese movie that he filmed backwards and then ran it forwards. Because sometimes I think, what if you run the tape of me walking -- Oh, yeah. -- in reverse? It actually looks more normal. You know what I'm saying? Listen. Some walks. You can only go up from where it is. Right. I think that's what your walk is. Yeah. That's for you, Mark. Oh. Any regrets for me? Um. Just -- just coming here. It's fun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Mr. Duplas. I -- I had to burst that beautiful bubble that you painted me in front of people, you know? Yeah. He's kind of like -- Nice guy. All of a sudden, people start taking advantage. He's got to have some edge. He's got to have some hardness to it. This is a tough town. He can't be noticed. Someone doesn't recognize him. He just eats it like a little pitch. He's got to be tough. How dare you? I'm Mark Duplas, damn it. I know you did. This is my town. This is Mark Duplas city. No, John. When I first saw you, I was like -- No, when my agent first was like, "Hey, he should do this show." And I'm like, "I've heard about it so much." And I was so many comedian homies that have done it. And I was like, "This is like a sweet, sweet gay Cory Matthews." You know, like, you were like -- He's like, "Boy meets the world, but with gay. So better, right? Gay is better." I don't see you gay, Chris Matthews, but it's -- They both work, yeah. Yeah, yeah. A meanest thing anyone's ever said to me in a sweet way. And you here at just -- You're just having your little potty mouth. And I'm very excited. It was a surprise for me, because I sometimes -- Clock it. Clock it. Clock it. Yep. So it was a surprise for me, because I thought you're just going to be like -- Just like, "Sweet sweet boy," I'm like, "Shit, I cussed, I knocked." I'm like, "Oh, we can fucking go down." Yeah, you can go down. Yeah, yeah. You learn that the sweet, sweet white boys got a little something on them. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. You're in a sandwich right now. Yeah, I was like, "Oh, I am." And I'm loving this sandwich. Yes. I'm loving the patty. But yeah, I love this show. I would love to come back. And I think that you're an amazing host. And that's our show. And we're back. Thank you to Marc Duplas and Axe and I. There are 125 days into the midterms. Thank you both. That was so awesome. We'll be back next Wednesday with Dana Gould and Alana U-Bach. Happy Fourth of July and have a great weekend. Woo! [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] Love it or leave it as a cricket media production. Our show is produced by Kendra James, Bill McGrath, Kelsey Gante, and me, John Love it. Our production team includes Halle Keeper, Sarah Lazarus, Roman Borcellino, Peter Miller, David Tolls, Claudia Shang, Jay Banks, Gavin Purcell, and Matt DeGrope. And our staff is probably unionized with the right or skill of America eased.