110: Western Doors with Dana Gould | Soder Podcast | EP 108

December 5th, that's a Friday, Vancouver, Canada. I am going to be there. It's close to sold out, but we're at the Vogue Theater. Saturday, December 6th, Eugene, Oregon. I know it's the Big Ten Championship. I hope your Oregon Ducks are doing great. Off chance they're not, or the game's earlier in the day, why don't you come to the McDonald Theater in Eugene, Oregon. December 13th, Royal Oak, Michigan. Royal Oak Theater. I'm coming back, baby. I'm very excited. It's the last show of the year. We're going to have a hell of a time. DanSoder.com for tickets. Don't futz around with those other websites. Go to DanSoder.com, get your tickets from there, and I'll see you in Royal Oak. It's a true story. Did you start in San Francisco? I started in Boston. You started in Boston and then moved to San Francisco. Yeah. We just start recording, by the way. Okay. We don't do like a fancy intro. That's smart. I just remember one day driving from L.A., to San Francisco, and it was a cloudless sky until I got to 19th Avenue. And then just, boom, fog. What's the name of the fog? Carl? They have a name for it. Oh, I don't know the name. In the Bay Area, if you can look it up, I think we've talked about this before. I think the fog's name is Carl. And you go, oh, yeah, it's. Carl. Carl? Why is it Carl? I don't. They have a reason for it, but it's so funny that the Bay Area is like. That's like similar to like in Minnesota where it snows so much. They go, we just know you won't see your car until June. They had to build. I mean, that's the thing about Minnesota, that they built tunnels between buildings. Yes. And that also shows you, I'm fascinated when humans live in places that it's clear we shouldn't live. I went to college at the University of Arizona, and after like a week there, you go, without the invention of air conditioning, this doesn't work. Who stopped here and stayed? Who was the guy who went, keep going? And they went, you're going to die. He goes, am I? Yeah. And his name was Robert Phoenix. Yeah, exactly. How do we. Who said this is good right here? Even with like Minnesota and shit, you're like, you're hitting snow drifts that are like 15 feet, and you're going like. And that's fine. I don't know how they survive. I literally don't know how they survive. Like those first winters in Minnesota, I just like don't get it. But I. So your thing about seasons is, you grew up in Massachusetts. I grew up in Colorado. I think that's like how. Normal people are regulated. Sure. Where it's like, you go through the anger of the summer, then you get to crisp the heat of like, why are you doing. You've forgotten me, God. You're burning me in this hell. Oh, you took it right to God. Yeah, right to it. As all things, bring it right to God. Listen, he's the boss. I don't need red tape. I'm not talking to a cardinal. You want to talk to the management. Yeah. Truly, if you want to know my theory, theological perspective is that I am agnostic because of the lack of red tape. I go, if there is a God, I want to talk to the man. I don't want to talk to five people that maybe can talk to the manager. The layers. Yeah, the Pope is. The bureaucracy. The Pope is just the general manager. He doesn't get to make any decisions. Yeah, he's literally a district man. He's a district manager, where if you get him, you go, it's impressive I got the district manager, but I would like to speak to the boss. He can't okay anything on his own. It's all going to go. Upstairs. It's all Latin for my hands are tied. It's all like, he's like, my hands are tied. I don't know. This is just how we do things here. You know, it's so funny. I was raised Catholic. Yeah, which it was, by the way, hilarious in perfectly normal. Oh, thanks. Go watch. I should tell you this, because comics don't do this enough. Your special was recommended to me by comics, by Louis Katz, number one. Oh, that's nice. And Dan St. Germain. Oh, that's nice. Dan St. Germain is like Dana Gould right now. And then I put it on, and I was like, immediately went back like, oh, yeah. Oh, that's nice. Because there's so many albums, and there's so many things that I feel that there's this overwhelming thing that now we need to go back to record store mentality of my friend who has good taste said I should try this. Yeah, sure. I put it on. I liked it. But perfectly normal fucking rips. Oh, thank you so much. It's on YouTube. Watch it. Dana Gould. But watch Dana Gould. Still alive. Still fucking. You thought he had gone full Dr. Zaius? Nope. He's out of the makeup. He's fucking you and your ass with jokes. Yeah. I said, I make my living the old-fashioned way. I get a monkey mask. I fly around the country. I want prosthetics. But it's so funny. Growing up Catholic. Growing up Catholic and all that stuff. I'm as Catholic as that table. But the most spiritual, the most spiritual thing that happened to me, like, honestly, I'm not like, was the Mr. Rogers documentary. Oh, my God. Which you bring up, which is really funny. Great callback. I don't want to ruin it. But it was, it was just like, oh, that's what you're supposed to do. Yeah. Like, he's just, he is like, yeah, whatever, however he was made. Well, you bring it up in the, in the, in the special and it's just a good point, which is he's our last good guy. Yeah. Fuck anybody. Yes. Don't even have to be kids. We don't know. You find out that they fucked other people and you go, come on. Yeah. We don't know. I don't know how he did it. Can you be nice and not a cum gas station? Just pumping people full of your jizz. Like, can you just do like a mortar gun? Just firing off loads into people and ruining your legacy. But there is this like a death star cannon. I, um, for some reason in my subreddit algorithm feed, what comes up is I'm not even a giant Sam Kinison fan, but this Sam Kinison subreddit comes up and they, they post these very interesting old clips and I'm a sucker for comedy history. Sure. I will watch anything old interview with Lauren Michaels and old interview with Sam Kinison. I just kind of like to see how their brains work and all this stuff. And it's around the time Sam's brain worked on cocaine. Yes. Yeah. I think it's like, well, I think he just had a race car, but cocaine was the gas that made that car. I think that's well put. I, I worked with him. Oh yeah. Yeah. But there was this interesting scene right after the Tammy Faye Baker thing happened and he's talking about Jim Baker. Now here's what you have to understand about me and my fiance, Katie, also from Massachusetts, uh, from the great Commonwealth. We love to go on religious channels and when we get high and we watch, um, there's like, on Verizon cable in New York you can get like super Christian networks. There's a Jewish one. There's a couple of Christian ones, but Jim Baker still does a show and he's just a skeleton and other people are doing the lifting. Yeah. He's like the Frankie Valley of evangelism. That's exactly it. Where he's like, he's like, God, what's giving me money. But, um, it's like this short documentary about Kinison and he's mocking Tammy Faye Baker saying like, yeah, I would switch her out. And he's like, he's like doing these jokes, but then he has a serious interview and they go, you know, this upsets you. And he's like, well, I was raised by a preacher and I was a preacher. And he's like, my father, we lived at the church cause he didn't take donations. And that is what struck me about the Mitchell, Mr. Rogers thing. It was like, Oh, there's preachers that were just like, no, I need to preach the word of God because it's what I'm supposed to do. And out of the goodness of my heart. And now you have all these Joel Osteen's and all the kind that are going like, well, they're just doing it to get rich. Yeah. My mother taught, taught me how to shoplift when I was a kid. So we would save grocery money and then she could send it to oral Roberts. Great university. Yeah. That didn't even his brother anal. That's great. The joke I was going to make is the only college where you're not allowed to give cunnilingus or, or blow jobs. It's called oral Roberts. If you have a name like oral Roberts, you better be sucking and fucking like it's your job. You better be, you better have a job. You better have a mouth or ass or pussy filled with jizz at all times. Oral Roberts. That sounds like a nickname that they, it sounds like, um, when I used to watch her on public access, the roller derby sounded like a, like a, they're reading off the job assignments at the bathhouse. Oral Roberts, anal Phillips, handjobs, McMahon. But it always like a oral. Robert sounds like a name on like a roller derby team where they go like, that's Trixie dust and oral Roberts. Watch. Watch her send him around on the bucket. Like watch her go over the side on the roller. And they all have that hair, that seventies haircut. I mean, it was all just like, um, they all hard pack their jizz until it it's the, the center of their decision. Spackle. Yeah. It just backs up. It's black mold for their brain. White mold, white mold. Well, someone say it's almost a liquidy mother of Pearl. Yeah, it is. No, it, I mean, it's amazing. And I, I get the, and again, I grew up. My mom was, uh, saying my mom was raised Irish Catholic, but my mom was dis, uh, she got married after college and then divorced. So they dis communicated her. Oh, well, no, my mother was not, my mom is from, I'm from Massachusetts. My mom was from the South and my mom was evangelical Christian. Okay. And she was, uh, super like praying to the praying with the TV hands on the TV screen. Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, grabbing snakes. - Yeah, yeah, the whole thing. yeah i mean i'm gonna tell you right now if you want to get kids in religion that's the way to go yeah handle some snakes yep make up your own language yeah exactly she's fucking you were babbling like a baby five years ago what's the snake we're giving the snake religion take the good stuff leave the bad stuff bring the snakes but so when your mom so catholicism to her is but yeah but it was all yeah but it was all always that money and like yeah you know that was so insane and the fact that she taught you to steal so she could give money yeah to a guy that said he was talking to god and yeah and had a helicopter and who had a helicopter and also was telling you not to steal like the cycle of that of you going i need you to steal baby oral robertson yeah five dollars yeah and then he's going if you steal you will burn yeah it's amazing no it it's like you can't make it up yeah it's so it's so i i've been i've been but there was a thing about mr rogers he didn't want your money yeah who's pbs by the way he went and argued with that's a great clip online you can watch where he goes to talk and the senator goes like oh shit yeah like by the end of it he goes oh well mr rogers you just confirmed that i'm gonna give this money they don't they attack him in that documentary that he's attacked it by uh this conservative commentator because he says that every child is special yeah and they believe that that is the beginning of the downfall of culture and basically what he's just saying is like kids need to know that they deserve to be loved yes that's not a bad thing a lot of the reason a lot of the problems we have right now is because people can't look inward and go i deserve love and like you start losing things when you lose that you lose accountability you learn empathy is not that's yeah empathy is not a weakness uh i hate to quote morrissey yeah do it god we're gonna cry we're gonna just do full songs but this is like it's easy to laugh it's easy to hate it takes guts to be gentle and kind that's and and it's true and it's it's hard you know i get you know a lot of christian conservative commentary conservatism in general offers simple solutions great to complex problems great i get the appeal yeah and it's always that guy yeah it's never you it's that guy one of my favorite elements of stand-up comedy that i always loved were when jokes are what about for his perspective and then you it's like the funniest thing is to think like when we did the bonfire big jay and i did a whole thing about what if the cop would have helped rambo what if instead of driving him what about instead of driving him out yeah he invited him over for dinner brilliant and they talked about the vietnam war then you're not getting your whole town wrecked by a green beret brian denny he played my dad on a pilot and uh he would yeah he was that's awesome that cop was pretty close to reality like brian was one of these guys you can go in his dressing room and he's just sitting there under a bare light bulb reading like the biography of stalin warm cup of water and a potato for pussies if you want to smoke you smoke a cigar why did you take why did you take the lamp off the light it's harsher this way yeah the light light light lets me know it's here but he made me look like a great actor because i just had to i just had to be there let him terrify me being around great actors is the closest you'll ever get to like playing basketball with nba players yeah where you go so you can do all of it and i just have to give it to you yeah just give it to me and i bounced a couple times exactly and then you'll dunk i just stand there and react to you and i look just as good and this is unbelievable nothing yeah and you are flying through the air yes don't do this thing and i go like i gave it to him yeah brian dennehy in that movie but that is like the whole point of like one of my favorite things just helped what have you helped them like in stand-up it's like that was my favorite thing when i was watching when i would watch it when they played all the time on comedy central everywhere you know late 80s 90s comedy boom it was on tv all the time and i always loved that as a kid because i wasn't hearing that anywhere else i wasn't hearing oh empathy you would hear empathy is like try to what are they it was honestly it felt a little gay sure they're like oh i'm gonna feel for you i want you to feel for this and comedy was the first thing you go it's actually kind of funny if you think about it from their perspective and you go hey that's really funny and i love that it's even the the joke that you had that i love in perfectly normal is when you're talking about being of um when you go out to eat with vegetarians and you said that you eat steak and the guy goes do you like that they kill the cow you go i love my brother but i don't watch my parents fuck because it's that's a perspective you don't think about yeah and that's again you don't have to drag everything back to the point that it's awful the other thing i like to do sometimes is to make the to make the point by strenuously to to argue their point by making their point too well yes um yeah were you over over analyzing it to the point where you go like yeah because i i find like when you go on the road and you need to do but sometimes you need to inoculate the audience a little bit yeah like i don't mention any politicians by name or anything like that but i talk about like well my brother or my uncle and you point to somebody in your family that has that opinion and that way is because we're talking about his brother that's always been what politics before this period yeah yeah thing where they make so much money and that's what and that's all it's just somebody said gosh i wish i knew what i was talking to two days ago um rage conflict entrepreneurs yeah that's all it is it's rage baiting yeah it's rage baiting i can't even go yeah i can't even look online for it like two minutes in it and it it's also if if you want to take it further it's the same as like a lot of what these pharmaceuticals do where it's we're going to treat the problem we're not going to cure the problem so we'll give you a argument that you can take into the world but we're not going to fix the problem right we're not going to show you that maybe you're both wrong you know what i mean it's sure sure sure i was always interested in the fact of the thing especially because i grew up with like the kind of guys i grew up with where you go oh you're um like all oh you're sad for that oh that's so oh you're dancing what are you gay or whatever and it's like well i think trying to impress other men might be gayer i think dancing with my wife might be fun and i'm actually having a time with a woman yeah or showing my emotions to a woman is probably opening intimacy i think if i stop doing that because i'm worried about what a guy that works on a farm in indiana that sounds like i want to fuck the guy that works on the farm in indiana goldthwait has the goldthwait and i uh have very similar upbringings yeah and he's massachusetts as well right he's upstate new york okay but it's just middle of massachusetts upstate new york same thing yeah new england gun racks camo hoodies yeah uh both of us were thought to be gay by our parents and older siblings because we did not want to go hunting there you go both of us and as bob says this bob's joke goes like hey you're the one getting up at six in the morning to huddle together in the woods and matching outfits that's very i mean it's perfect and you know what's funny is i always i did the opposite like i always revered the guys that were like i'm not doing that i don't want to do that i always i'm a people pleaser so i always was like i'll go along with it and then i wasn't good at it and then you feel 10 times worse because they go you're gay if you don't do this but you're even worse if you do it and you suck now you're a loser and you're like i can't fucking win yeah and the winning is going i don't i don't fucking do that and it's all here's the here's the thing it's all fear yeah of change yeah whatever it is yeah fear of change and by the way and and i'll tell you right now i have my life i've been horrible with fear of change of course as have i because it's hard as shit yeah and it's also scary it's also there's a great line about um john entwistle the bassist for the hoop yeah uh once said and like in an interview i don't get rap i don't like rap yeah all right and pete townsend said it's not our job to like it it's our job to get out of the way yeah that's the perfect way of putting that just yeah and if i don't i don't understand something i don't like like i was talking about my brother like my my brother does not like trans people yeah well you know i mean i was never met one i have a theory about this he's never met one i you know i don't i don't like it i don't get it and he's like here so i just i just love your problem yeah don't pay attention to it yeah you don't have to it's not in your face you don't have to deal with it this is the problem with the internet though it's every like right the way society used to work was if it was in your face it was a problem and you dealt with it and a lot of the times it was in your face so it's like the way when you live in new york city the age-old joke is you can't be racist because it is true like everyone's made that joke stand-up wise but it is like i i lived in astoria which was greek but i also had a huge muslim i lived i lived next to a mosque for 15 years so i'd watch their kids or whatever i had a joke in my hbo special about being stoned and my window slammed by accident and a muslim woman was with her kid and i was like great now they think i'm anti-islamic i mean i'm you know i'm like yeah i hate them and in reality it was just that my window it was a shitty apartment in queens it was like stuck but it's like when you're not i have friends that are from colorado that are sweethearts they're like genuinely good people sure and i was with them recently with uh my friend's wife who's a sweetheart and there was a woman in a hijab and she was like uh-oh and you're like well i don't think you're islamophobic i just don't think you've been around people in a job yeah yeah exactly you've just never been around muslims so you're like oh they all you see is what fox news or cnn or what all these these rage baiters feed you yeah i and you're like you don't know i like here's something i don't like cat puke yeah and i have i have three daughters and a wife they all have a cat i went from zero cats to four cats in a month yeah and every morning i'm the first guy up between my bedroom and the coffee maker there's going to be a puddle of cat puke it's just the nature of cats the way they do it right exactly but you know what i do when i see it i get a lysol wipe that i now buy in bulk i wipe it up i put it in the garbage i then don't get on facebook and log into my cat puke update awareness group but this photograph it file it cross references post about it they don't want to fix the problem yeah they're there to like no there's money go to your subreddit and then someone's making money off you going cat puke and they go i heard they're gonna make you eat cat puke yeah exactly i heard if they get the fucking government going you gotta eat cat puke and it's like dude i don't care also people get mad when you say that but it could be the truth where you go it doesn't affect me i don't care also Nine times out of 10, like threads of the freedom loving mom isn't real. Yeah. You know, it's just, it's just software. It's engagement, getting you engagement. They're very good at, uh, marketing has reached a level now where I think us in society, we're hip to how they market now where you go, oh, they put that drink in the movie because that drink gave the movie money. Right. So we, we all know that now we're in the eighties or nineties. We had no idea. Yeah. You're like Pepsi. I like Pepsi. It's back to the future too. And you're like, yeah, Pepsi in the future. There is no idea that they're giving Miramax or whoever. This is the most egregious one. And I just remember it because it was so egregious in moon raker. Yeah. Shout out James Bond, a building, a building collapses. Sure. But a seven up cooler is sacrosanct. There you go. Right. He's like, if you ever get a tummy ache, I don't know if that's Roger Moore or Connor, but. He's like, if you get a tummy ache, I always have a seven up. I'd like a, I'd like a, I'd like a seven up and a raspberry ties. Smucker around a little bit. Oh, and that clip of Connery came out and you're like, damn, he was just popping women in the mouth. One of my favorite Bond movies is diamonds are forever because it's when he starts to look like your dad. Like you couldn't look like that in an action movie. Now he comes out of his gut. He's like, I'm going to stop it. And you're like, you're not even going to mow the lawn, you fat fuck. Excuse me, darling. Are you finished with those potatoes? But I think marketing now has gotten so. Oh, if you don't eat your vegetables, we won't go to the ball. But if I think marketing now has to evolve because we've caught up to knowing product placement, knowing all that shit. So now they're on a different level where they're throwing problems. They're like, come over here. We'll fix it. And you think it's a societal problem, but really they're just marketing. And it's yeah. And I do think, I don't know where it goes, but apocalypse. Maybe. I mean, the red, the, the, everyone's furious because we're fed. It's a conflict because it engages you and it's hopefully that's why we evolve past it. I don't know if we, I think what will happen is there will be an answer. The way that your generation to your parents went smoking in hospitals, isn't smart. And they went, that sounds gay. And then they were like smoking during delivery is probably not advisable on an airplane. It's just a tube. Maybe you don't smoke. Do you remember when you could smoke on a plane? Yeah. I flew very young. My parents got divorced when I was very young. Uh-huh. I'd fly from, I'd fly alone from Denver to San Francisco on the United. And I remember there being a smoking section. Yeah. And it was actually, I think it was first class. Like you could smoke in first class and then they'd like hit a thing. I remember the back of the plane also. And it would just open that curtain. It was just like this London in the 1800s. I remember looking in the thumb, the ashtray in the arm and seeing butts. And you still see the ashtrays on the back of the bathroom doors sometimes. Yeah. Cause they were like, they would just be like, you could smoke on a plane. So I think we're at the level where your daughters or like my niece, she's two years old. She'll go, Oh, well, social media is horrible for the human brain. And we're going to go, what? We're doing it all the time. And they go, well, it really fucked you guys up. And you're like, Oh yeah, it really did. I mean, the amount of people going crazy right now tells me we're going to have to do something. And with AI it will get worse. That's what I mean. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if you guys know this, but we missed the rapture today. That was crazy. That was supposed to happen. I don't know how you guys are feeling about this, but we weren't. It would be weird if Blondie died today. Yes. If Blondie died today, you go, did she rap? Did she rap into the rapture? Um, it's, that's one of my favorite things, no matter how divided this country is, is when the religious nuts do either the Mayan calendar, 2012, the rapture, because then what it does for the rest of us is we go, look at these fucking. Sure. You know what I mean? Like we're in a very tense time right now. Uh, especially after the Charlie Kirk with the Kimmel stuff, all this very tense stuff. Everyone's very tense. And then there's a group going, the rapture's on Tuesday. And everyone goes, shut the fuck up. You wish. Shut the fuck up. I was, I used to play pop Warner football. I was horrible at football. My football team was horrible. We lost 116 to zero one game. We would get crushed. Sure. Week in and week out. My mom would bring a. Uh, her and her boyfriend would bring a thermos pitcher of rum and Coke and they would watch us get God bless them abs. Cause we could walk to the park. We just get blown out. One time we're losing 42 to nothing at halftime. And I was like, come on. Everyone's very bummed out. And I go, come on guys. If they can score that much, we can score that much. And someone goes, shut the fuck up Soder. And I felt like one of those rapture people in that moment where I brought the team together. Through my stupidity of going like, I'm a leader. There's a clip online of a kid getting barked down like that. And I identify with that kid and he was like, come on guys. And someone goes, shut up. When he goes, yeah, sometimes we need the real stupid people to say some stupid shit. So the rest of us collectively go, I know if shit's hot out there, right? But it's not like people making videos where they're going. This is my last video. Oh, one woman. My favorite video I saw where she was like, here's a little tip. Like she's done it before. She goes, here's my little tip. Keep looking up. Don't look down and, and don't hold on to anything. If you, and you're like people that blow my mind are people that act number one, uh, afterlife specialists. You were there for five seconds. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I died on the operating table. Now it's my whole personality. Here's the five people you meet in heaven. Shut the fuck up. Your brain was off. It got rebooted. It's all ghosts. It's terrifying. It's humid. It's like an indoor pool. And it's all the sheets. We all wear sheets. They don't breathe. You want to take them off. And let me tell you this. It's hot. God is rude. By the way, I'm going to say this right now for this Halloween. I want to see a return of the sheet ghost. Sheet ghost. I haven't seen a lot of sheet ghosts. And I would like to see some sheet ghosts. Or put the black. Yeah. Hold on. People in the South. I know you have sheets with holes in them. Bring them out. Smooth out the top. Smooth out the top. Round the top. And then have, have it. I just. This is my favorite thing. If I may. Yeah. I've, I've said this on stage, so I'm cheating. Yeah, it's okay. But it came as a, it came as a feeling first and then I brought it to the stage and now it's still my feeling. Sure. When you see an old photo. Of a Klansman. Yes. In the full outfit. Yes. And he's with a horse. Yeah. And the horse is also in the outfit. Love it. I love that there was a lot of measuring involved. Yeah. They had to have a tailor. Yeah. 23 inches nose to ear. It's the same as like Michelle Wolf used to have a fantastic joke about ISIS that someone made the flag. Like someone had to be like, it was their Betsy Ross. Yeah. And they're like. Brilliant. Hold on. I got it. I got it. Hold on. Let it out. Yeah. Let it out, girlfriend. Yeah. It is. I love any sort of, it's always, it's like, um, like the Nazis, they were like, they picked Hugo Boss. Oh yeah. No, they, yeah. We need to look. Yeah. We need to look sharp as shit. Yeah. And you're like, okay, great. Adolf loves Hugo. Yeah. It is. It is. There always is this gay element of evil that James Bond villains did very well. Very, very well. They always did the very like, I don't know. They worked that Nehru jacket. Like, no. It's nobody's business. They loved it. And they're like, I don't even know. Um, I've always wanted to say this to you because you, uh, have been instrumental in like several murders, several murders. And we have the families here. No, but like you worked on the Simpsons, which I think is rad. I think that's like one of the coolest credits of all time. It's a good one. Yeah. I'm not going to lie. And you worked on the Simpsons in the era of like, it wasn't like Simpsons now. I love them. I still think Simpsons are magical. But I think. they should have been put out. - It's cyclical. I think the Simpsons is always best when you were at your peak of watching it. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. And, but this brings up something else that does that, which is SNL. Yeah. And you gave a speech at 2014 just for laughs. Yes. That I recommend to you. Did you watch it? Uh, it's transcribed. It's transcribed on a, on a website. And I tell people standup comics, young standup comics, a lot of my friends, or maybe comics, not young might not be the right word comics that aren't doing great. Sure. But are working. Yeah. I give them that speech. Yeah. You're doing it now is the print. That's it. Yeah. Which is you talk about auditioning for SNL, the plane ride back, how good your set went, how you're like, I'm going to fucking get it. And then you don't get it. And as I, I went through the same thing in 2014 where I screen tested, didn't get it. And it's weird to explain to people the spin out that you feel. Cause you get, you get close and then you don't get it. And then you feel worse than if you would have never auditioned. A hundred percent. Yeah. It's worse that you get close. You get close and you go great. I go to the Olympics, but I'm not even on the podium. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I don't know if I mentioned this on that speech, but it's true. So like I auditioned with two other guys and we're flying back. Yeah. You did talk about it. So, and I'm looking at the other two guys on the plane thinking, Adam Sandler, Chris rock, you'll have your turn. This is all about me. So years later, I'm married. My wife is an executive. She goes to New York, has dinner with Chris rock for some reason, comes back and says, you know, that story you tell about auditioning for Saturday night live. And I said, yeah, she goes, it's true. What do you mean? She goes, I had dinner with Chris rock. He told the same exact story. I'm your husband. Why did you think I lied about that? Do you think I've been lying at every party we've been at for 10 years? You think this is just a lie that I'm like, Hey baby, play along. What do you think of me? I have that feeling with childhood friends when they are with me and someone like Colin Quinn goes, Dan, they go, you know, Colin Quinn. I've told you this. I've told you. I know David tell. Have you ever had something happen to you? And then you ask yourself, did I dream that? Was that real? Yeah. I had, um, there was a couple of moments like that working on billions where I would be in the room with, with someone and I'd be like, did that really happen? Did I really talk to the guy that shorted Enron? Right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And just in a casual conversation. Yeah. Cause you tell it to someone and you go, I would think I was making this up. Yeah, sure. Like if you told me that I'd be like, Oh yeah, that's how I made it up. There was one and I had to have this confirmed by somebody. There was a cable access show out here in the early nineties called Collins sleazy friends. Love it. There was a 2020 video store on Ventura Boulevard in San Francisco. We're in studio city. Uh, the video guy was managed by this guy, Colin Malone. Okay. And he was around like Bob and David and me and Janine and Kathy Griffin, that social group. He was, he was around. Um, I think our friend Laura Milligan or our friend Jerry, which by the way is like insane. Cause that's like a lot of people. If you're a comedy nerd. Yeah, it was just definitely. Casually. You're talking about one of the all time crews. We're talking pre-show miss Bob. Yeah. Yeah. Just around there. Yeah. But Janine Groffalo, one of my all times crushes who's still, when I see her in New York, I get weird because Janine Groffalo like is the reason I like, she was my number one. Her and Sarah Silverman were like two of my biggest crushes. I've known Janine since she went to, to a Brown and, uh, yeah, when she was Daria, everybody, yeah, she was Daria and everybody was Daria. Everybody loved you. Everyone always loved you. But I remember like your group specifically were, were, this is so funny cause you were coming of age when I was like 10 years old. And figuring out that I loved comedy. So then it's like one of those things where you dive in and you go like, Oh, you don't know David Kroll. Oh, you, you, you found out about Patton Oswalt because of his HBO half hour. It's like the way we were with SCTV because we weren't the big, the huge people. It was the niche weirdos that we liked. But you guys were in a sense the beginning of alternative comedy. Yeah. Oh, you guys weren't in LA for sure. Yeah. It wasn't the, it wasn't the, it wasn't the, it wasn't the club sleeves up. I'm going to do Sylvester Stallone getting a colonic. No, you guys were like talking about shit where you're going like, Oh shit. It was me, Jeanine and Colin. Yeah. That's not a bookstore on Beverly Boulevard called big and tall books. Yeah. Yeah. And there was one other guy, but it was basically me, Jeanine and Colin. But anyway, uh, no, no, no, no, no, it's fine. It was one of those things where I know all the players are talking about it. Everybody had the same idea at the same time, you know, and if it wasn't me, it would have been somebody else. Yeah. It was very similar to how the Creek in the cave was for me. It was like all of us were coming up at the Creek or Nirvana and Soundgarden all coming out of sub pop record. It's the same thing. So Colin's sleazy friends and columns around and, uh, Colin had this cave Alexa show where he would, cause he was really in the porn world and he would have a, and one day I just apropos sidebar, you know, the old, one thing the internet has deprived people of is the first time you're of age to walk through the Western doors into the porn section. You ain't got a six shooter, but you got something that could shoot six bullets. And those doors go shame, shame, shame. And the first time you go through and it bumps you on the way back and you go, I should get out of here. I get out of here. But my God, your heart's in your throat. I'm standing there. Guy comes out of the porn section to the twin towers. This was back when we still had the world trade center. Yeah. To like. Like nine video stacks of porn taxis, Jeff Conaway. Oh my God. He was getting ready to make the scene in an apartment. Oh shit. So Colin had this show where he would, you would go on the show and he would interview comedians, basically comedians, musicians, and porn stars. Great. This happened. I've had this confirmed. Okay. I am sitting on a beanbag chair next to Lemmy from Motorhead. Yeah. The ace of spades himself. Ron Jeremy is sitting next to Colin and a woman is sitting on Ron Jeremy's lap, filleting a dildo. Okay. I turned to Lemmy and say, casually, I've had this dream before, but there was a hobbit in it. And he said, without blinking, there weren't beanbag chairs in middle earth. What a fun. By the way. By the way. And I was like, I had to go like, did I dream that? And my friend. Ken Daly was with me. He goes, no, that was, I was there. That absolutely happened. I was like, okay. I think that was, yeah, no good for Lemmy. Yeah. Lemmy was bad. He's like, there weren't no beanbag chairs in middle earth. Exactly. Is that with a mole? Is this, is this, actually she's blowing a dildo. That's a butt plug. You go, oh man, that's, dude, that is, there's something that happened to comedy. He's like, yep, I'm here. Yeah. I mean, that is an app dream. Yeah. It's so funny to say that because there are, there were no beanbags in middle earth, but something that I think comics lost in the podcast boom and the comedy boom since like oh eight, since everything blew up was how much closer to porn stars we are than we act. Oh yeah. Comics are just porn stars without the dignity. It really is. They can perform. We can't. Like they do something way harder, which is stay hard on front of a camera versus crunches and calisthenics. Yeah. They're going to be. They're healthy. Yeah. They live healthy and eat right. But no, we're all carnies. That's exactly it. Yeah. We're all carnies. And that's the thing that I always love is like, cause my generation now is a little bit older. We're in our forties and we're so used to the comedy boom since oh eight that we go, we're true. You know, you get a lot of guys like we're truth tellers and you're like, we are carnival barkers. Yeah. At best. Yeah. We are the, we are the bearded lady. We are in the evolutionary ladder, evolutionary chain of show business. We're like opera stars. And, uh, and ballet stars are at the front. We are right in front of the guy that puts the condom on the donkey. And even him, he probably has a better five minutes than a lot of people. I would, I would listen to a podcast of him talking about donkey come before half the podcast that they're getting millions of donkey come down would be Nick Mullen and the guy that ran donkey shows. By the way, I think that'd be the only thing Nick would want to do now. If I talked to Nick, he'd be like, can you get me a donkey? Can you actually sign that up? I always thought it was, I always thought it was funny. Um, that there was a hometown. Yeah, no, that's it. Yeah. We'll go with that. Well, I'll tell you, cause this is, this is my comedy history that I can share with you. Nick was featuring for me in Boston at laugh Boston. And we were driving back to New York. I remember this conversation. Exactly. We're driving back and he's like, I'm going to start a podcast with Adam and Stav. And I was like, Oh yeah. And he goes, yeah. The only reason I want to do it is I want to make the logo. Look like come. And that's it. That was the only bit that he wanted. He just wanted to make the logo look like come. And then, so when I found out they were calling it come town, I went, well, that's a little on the nose. Don't you think? But he was like, Bob, Bob Rafelson who directed five easy pieces and produced the TV show, the monkeys. Yeah. Among other things. He, the first monkeys movie that they produced is called head. That's the name of the movie. And the reason it's called head is because they wanted, they wanted their next movie to say from the producers that gave you head. That's great. That's great. That's just fun. is fun and they should let us do stuff like that hbo fought me so hard in 2019 because i wanted to call my special butt munch yeah they were like i could see them not doing it but there was arguing with you i know all those yeah they were like absolutely they were being nice but they were being very diplomatic and like well is there anything else he's excited about please tell me who it was but uh they kept being they kept trying to be diplomatic sure and they were like if you want to go there i don't know if you want to call it but and then i was getting mad about it and brian six and i was sitting in the helium what about mutt bunch that's what i thought i thought mutt bunch right and then i thought no because in the joke i had a thing where i said when kids were little they'd go butt munch and you and then i grow up and i go oh i do eat ass so it does it i am a butt munch but they were like no no and then i got mad at him and i was like either we're gonna call it butt munch or i'm gonna call it uh dance odor columbine to the electric shootaloo and they were like no they're like i tried to give them a red herring and they're like shootaloo and they were like absolutely not and that was my my manager at the time went come on dude like give me something else and i was like fine whatever call it after the fucking edinburgh show i don't give a shit but yeah columbine to electric shootaloo and i said the poster would be me and shane like uh eric and tim with the fucking tim eric harrison dylan clebold with the fucking i just saw um uh tim in that movie him oh is he yeah he's very good in it i did you like it no okay no i i mean i like we're talking about the new marlon wayans movie where they take marlin's great in it i've heard that he's really good it's the the i've heard visually it's i love horror movies um a big i get scared i don't get scared ever i just i felt that i got away from them i went to see it uh with my kid at the drive-in i got very excited because they marketed it from the mind of jordan peele yeah she's a producer yeah he didn't direct or write it and it's like kind of like oh well it's not from the production deal of jordan peele yeah it's like in comic books where they go like superman's gonna be in this issue and then he stops to go talk to my friend this and you go ah fuck dude or when i was a kid superman would come in and sell you a hostess fruit pie the back page and you know this is why he's sticking around hulk loved cherry pie hulk calm down bruce don't like cherry pie hulk do um it was one of the funniest little weird cartoon i've never seen a cartoon in the new yorker that i've laughed at except maybe for this one and it's at a psychiatrist office and he's lying on the couch and the psychiatrist goes we know hulk smash the question is why hulk smash it's very fun that is very fun and yeah that is that's again that's like an angle of a thing of like oh yeah bruce banner would probably be in therapy yeah and you don't have empathy you don't have empathy with like superheroes lois lane would be dead yeah after fucking clark can yeah mall rats made that yeah kevin smith perfectly nailed that in mall rats where i believe it's jay and silent bob are talking about that yeah and he says it would go through her back like a shotgun blast like if he came in her i think that's what jay says he said it would be like a 12 gauge through which is like perfect she couldn't handle it that was one of the things that i loved when i first read garth ennis's the boys before the television right when i first read the boys the thing that made me go like oh was they were going soups can't fuck humans they'll kill them and then they had the the the full book of them on the island where they have like the hedonism thing right where they fuck and they like just send hookers for the flash to fuck and kill and you're like that is how that was how it would be that's always what i've liked about garth ennis is that he does this thing where he takes a real thing that has never been in comic books before like he did punisher born which is just a single issue punisher but he does this thing where he takes a real thing that has never been in comic books but it's the best punisher because it's not punisher going the mafia killed my family now i gotta punish them it's not like that on the nose he does a whole thing where frank castle is in vietnam and he's on this hill and the vietcong are swarming them and he says like you get me out of this god and i will be your instrument of punishment and then that's how you get it where you go oh yeah this is like that would be a war vet it's why i liked rambo war that would snap that was the thing that drove me crazy in the in the tim burton batman when they made joe chill the joker yeah because he wasn't he's just a gangster right and it changed it from young by the way this conversation is the leading cause of vaginal dryness oh don't worry our ladies clocked out well a long time ago yeah they're maybe running the like two pieces of toast you find after still on the plate around dinner time they subscribe to my patreon where they sit on a subwoofer and i just go oh yeah like somebody rubbing two croutons together um very rubbery vaginas right now what happened was it changed um uh his uh bruce wayne's theory to this happened to me it will never happen to another child sure to i'm going to get revenges yeah revenge and batman isn't revenge and it wasn't about revenge it was like i'm not gonna let this happen to any other child yeah and they don't and and uh that's like the thing about comic books that i always have loved it's like it brings me back to the time when i was a kid and i was a kid and i was a kid and i was a kid and i was a kid and i was a kid and i was a kid and i was a nerd debate in a way where it's not i think from the outside looking in you go holy shit that's the nerdiest thing ever but then if you get into it you go these are actually like very good points sure that you're just arguing i'm a i'm a big star trek guy and the other day my wife walked through the room i was on the phone i was texting somebody i was literally saying that class of enterprise did not have a holodeck yeah that's great that's like when katie will catch me talking about pro wrestling with like saint romano or something and i'll go listen i think eddie guerrero does the triple german suplexes better than anybody but you just have to give it to chris benoit who's crisp in the ring jesus christ it is it's comic book nerdom and uh pro wrestling nerdom dry up vaginas yeah but if you're all out of comic book nerdom i recommend but i do i do like that they cross pollinate yeah they do yeah and there's also there's a thing that's going back to what you and bobcat talk about about how you had these families that wanted you to hunt and you just said no because you knew who you were i found it incredibly like useful when i finally met pro wrestling fans that were like i'm not afraid to talk about it i like it oh yeah and you go oh it is honestly i know it's way different but it there has to be some similarity to like if you're a closeted gay and you see a gay man out and you go i want to be like that well you know that's really interesting which is just explainable expressing who you are i have one of the things i started doing this year is because i do this dr z thing yeah i've been doing dr zayas live which look it up it's fucking hilarious yeah it's a pretty and good luck not thinking of the simpsons song when they did the plan which by the way i had nothing to do with which is crazy i know um for a while i think i thought of that yeah i know it's a pretty dr zayas dr zayas pretty obvious connection but no um but i'm doing conventions sure yeah i got these things called galaxy con yeah and it's it's the people are great it's so great i it's been just a beautiful experience and we were in uh saw uh utah someplace salt lake city and it was like you know it was first year there and it was a costume contest and basically every weirdo in utah was in the same building they've been waiting on it yeah and i felt that that like they so needed this yeah and they were together and there were furries and star trek people and cosplayers and and and i i kind of like dig i was dr z doing like a thing at the costume judging this costume competition but i did did a version of that stand-up special was like when people call you weird you say yes i am yeah yeah i have seen what passes for normal and i don't care for it yes and they went crazy yeah they they're strength in numbers people need the outlet people need to be around which is also like it's it's funny because you want to talk about empathy and a lot of times people don't empathize with a lot of the far right maga guys which is in a way they found their comic con absolutely they found their red hat and they're like bro i love america and they're like i love america and then they're like fucking eagles yeah and then you have all these people that aren't in it if you're not in the magazine you go like what the fuck and you go you guys are doing it again you're doing the thing that you did to comic book nerds or wrestling fans or anybody and gay people and where you go like everybody everybody just wants to be a part of something just let them be a part of it and then the second that you you don't give it credit is the second you give it more power because then they go well then i'm gonna fucking really you know right like that's really true it's really true that's really true i never and no one gives them that credit right dude i have you listen uh i have family from the bay area i have family from colorado that's very conservative as far as the political spectrum goes i got everybody in my family the one thing i've noticed is is with like like especially maga movements not giving them that like yeah cool whatever man and diffusing it is what makes it worse in any situation look at like you look at like what makes it worse like when you go like shut the fuck up you guys are crazy - You call them crazy and they go, like well then fuck you right but if you just go yeah whatever like because my family has the full spectrum in the sense that it has me and everyone else and that's the full spectrum that's almost weirder because i well not weirder i would almost say that's but i get along with everybody but because you can get you can like bring your perspective and go well if i like this this is like yeah which is like they it's it's literally and i have a friend who says this it's really trees a political consultant sure uh a a republican political consultant who in his words got kicked out of the republican party for failing to renounce algebra yeah um yeah which is that that's also a problem where you go guys we still need to learn our well it's the three r's we've gone from before i'm right you're wrong yeah to i'm right you're evil yeah you kids yeah and that's i'm right yeah that's what we've got a it's it's so broken it's profitable it's very that's why that's why there's too much money but you gotta let go of it because the second you like sit with them and you go oh you're not like i have like i have family that like go to the rallies and shit and then we hang out and it's never brought up and you go you know i would never even know but it's almost like imagine being like this is always what interests me when we talk about oral roberts and stuff you have all these pentecostal preachers that are like homosexuality and they always get caught fucking dudes because they don't let it out yeah just let out your nerd shit yeah let out whatever you're holding on to yeah dude trust me in the age of the internet you will find somebody that is into your shit like just fucking let it rip yeah and there's a you see at these you see a good deal of furries and i don't get it no but i also get on skin feels great i can't imagine what mascot suit on mascot suit feels like the perfect example but but i don't get it no but i also get on skin feels great i can't imagine what mascot suit on mascot suit on mascot suit feels like the perfect example but i also get on skin feels great i can't imagine what mascot suit on mascot suit feels like no no my business by the way no no my business i'll tell you right now god bless him if if putting on a fox tail if putting a box with a fox tail on my butt made me rock hard go welcome to my fox tail closet yeah go have a little fucking spin thing like a tie design yeah with different butt plugs with fox tails on it i oh fox tail rag oh fox tail rag moves those fox tails from side to side put it in my fucking tail did i get fucked but like dude i i like i like i like i like i like like to me the the thing is in the age of what we're in right now there's something for everybody to stop trying to act like yours is better than yeah and just you just gotta go like like the way that i'm into like wrestling or like even fucking stand-up because i talk stand-up there's guys that are into stand-up that aren't into stand-up sure so you start nerding out with them and they're kind of like they go they're just like yeah yeah dude i don't know i'm trying to sell out like theaters and arenas and go oh i'm trying to talk like i'm trying to talk early yeah yeah you know like all those people immensely more successful this is the only business this is the only business where you go i got i came to bake delicious cakes and someone went i'm going to change the world through marketing yeah and then you look like you do the thing and they and they do win because they're better at marketing yeah they're there but absolutely my whole thing is also fucking let them then if that's what they want this is the whole point of everything is like if they're into marketing and they want to have like large groups listen to them talk good we're not doing the same thing and there's a i'm going to recommend a book yeah to you we always like to do book recommendations uh it's called cults like us okay by jane borden okay who lives here in la she'd be a great guest yeah she takes it from the the did you know that this country was started by a doomsday cult that we now refer to as the pilgrims yeah it's crazy they were yeah and she takes it raptured all the way up and what you realize is and that's the the beautiful thing about this book is always like i love america like you the thing that you love about america has never existed yeah it's just always been a thing where it's like always we have always been a shattered mirror yeah that we try to get a good angle on ourselves and which is fine in the sense that it's inspirational we haven't lost this thing that we had no and we are now bad and not good enough we have to get it back we have always been a three-legged circus dog with clown makeup on and we're just trying to do a little bit better every day it reminds me of when you realize that your parents were once young yeah and fucked and had you and didn't know what they were doing yeah and then you go no they always were mom and dad and they always knew moms knew that i needed soup when i was sick and you go no she was a 36 year old lady going fuck fuck i gotta get my work done smoking fucking kids throwing up all over yeah but in my head i go well mom's mom isn't great anymore it's like well mom's 77 now right she's different she doesn't make dinner every night you just it's all about perspective colin quinn did an awesome um new york story it's a netflix special which if any if you haven't seen it please watch it where he basically goes through the history of new york through the immigrants that come so he starts with the dutch right then he does the irish the italians and then he does the jews the blacks and he like talks about how each and all of them were in the barrel all of them they all but but he does this great thing in new york story where he shows you where the new york attitude came from which group and he like talks about growing up you know like in brooklyn with italians and he's like oh their family their abuse is like an opera in the street and he like talks about and you go yeah this all makes sense and i love shit like that when they break it down yeah and it's all everybody it's always been crazy everyone's trying no one knows what they're doing and everyone's trying yeah and if like even our constitution which i'm plugging all colin shit unconstitutional yeah he said it best he goes those are drunks they might as well have written our constitution on a bar right napkin right because they were at the bar all the time well there's a great meme i wish i knew who wrote it was like uh the bible a 2000 year old book written by a group of men who didn't know where the sun went at night yeah that'll have all the answers yeah yeah i you know what's funny is i always think about this now that um what's his name jimmy swagger just died and uh i'm i'm i'm obsessed with these preachers that because yeah my obsession is with it is they talk so confidently like they talk to god and they don't know no you've got to look up on youtube robert tilt and farting done done and thank me i will i am absolutely gonna reach out to you be like thank you because when jimmy swagger like i said katie and i get high and we watch these religious channels and they do like jimmy swagger live from the congo in like 86 yeah and it's a soccer stadium sold out with all these african people and he's in a he's in a thick suit sweating going jesus will forgive you if you do this stuff and i just want the ring cam of when he goes to heaven yeah saint peter's like now when did you talk to god we've got some financial yeah it says here you were billing them for us yeah my biggest fear when i die is that i have to stand in front of children who starved while i was alive and read them my ebay purchases there we go oh god this one's really gonna hurt yeah transformers coffee mug 1986 79.99 bought the original hot wheels carrying yeah me going like i bought a dlc pack for wwe 2k25 for 29.99 an apple would have fed my family for a week and it's just like a fly on the kid's eye and you're like yeah but you get it i wanted the attire that came in that pack yeah i don't know man i the the more internet we get and the more avenues of information we get it all comes back the same thing which is that we're all full of shit yes and that we're all figuring it out yeah and that's always what i love versus like now the the whole thing is um the there's a huge market of i know the answer and i'll tell you the answer and i always think it's refreshing to know no one knows no no no one knows that's why i always hold people when they're dead they're like or when they're dying my grandma died last year at 97 and being around in that home a lot what i saw were people that were ending the ride going like oh fuck i don't want to ride for 87 years and you're like no my my my dad is 95 and yeah my and he's no shit yeah they they get to this point where they're like i'm fucking scared yeah they're like i'm fucking scared and you're like that's crazy because back in your 50s you were pretty fucking confident it it is interesting you know my dad and i and i i spent a lot of time a couple years ago i spent a lot of time with mel brooks i mean the one of the greatest one of the greatest i mean the reason i do we yeah worked with him for about a year i think and when you're that he was 92 at the time yeah when you're that age my dad and mr brooks when you're that age someone you know dies every day yeah i had a joke on my comedy central hour about uh my grandma has the energy of a gang leader because they're the only people who go like hey people get bussed up in these streets but my grandma would be like yeah we lost nancy last week and it's just like the same where they'd say big toque big toque got took out shout out to you we love you it was like the same like and we're just playing gin rummy and my grandma's like oh yeah barb died and you're like i saw barb at thanksgiving and she goes you showed up dead last week yeah uh you discard and you're like there's like this calmness yeah they just go but their own mortality is like very it's like knocking on the door and they're kind of like yeah my dad is not like this really my dad is it's actually too gothic and baroque but like his uh he i didn't i didn't even know how to tell this yeah uh my mom's ashes are in an urn on the mantelpiece and his go in next to them and he just stares at it every day and watches old cowboy shows on grit and that's his life and then he just looks at his wife in it yeah and knowing that it's like it's like i get apartment b and one day i'll go in there and it's like having your casket in the living room that is crazy yeah we keep umbrellas in it now sleep in your casket and he goes well honestly yeah listen i'm just saying would be a good idea if you're going to sleep there eternally sure maybe the last two years of your life you sleep in the casket just to get the feel for it and what my dad does it really talked much but he watches cowboy shows and at the end of the show he will say the name of the show so if you're in the house at the top of the hour you'll just hear from upstairs rawhide an hour later that's so funny he's like have good will yeah that's it you go oh dad's up yeah he's up yeah it was it was it was interesting watching my grandma kind of like um she lived by herself until she was 96 and then when she had to move away she was kind of like that took her out of it and i talked to a doctor yeah and they said you take him out of their house and it spins him she got covid and she was in the hospital and when she got out i said so what do you think do we put her in a home she's 96 and the doctor was like no he's like what i've noticed is you put her back in her house and she's like no she's like no she's like no she's like no she's and by the way she could still bop around and do everything yeah no my my mom had dementia and she was in a facility my brother called it heaven's waiting room yeah it is crazy that's the feeling you get yeah we just go in there and you go what the fuck yeah it was it was brutal but people open in the morning you just hear all again again oh my god another day what i talked about my grandma dying in my hour right now but the line that i cut out is about that that guy across her hall that i talked about about when the nurse is telling me about movie night and the guys across the hall going i want to go home let me go home and the nurse is talking to me she goes tuesdays we do movies it's like bouncing right off her and she's just staying in it and you're like you're a fucking soldier but it is it's like yeah yeah yeah you see people that old and you go okay well if they don't have the answer because i would i would feel better i think it would be a little better if you were older and old people like oh no and i die and i go to heaven and this is what happens and fucking yeah but instead you're like no we don't know might be dark that's why i won't do dmt i won't do dmt because people have said that it is you know i i like drugs and i love hallucinogenics but dmt people are like what is dmt dmt is the uh you could smoke it and you could do other ways of doing it but it is the uh chemical your brain releases when you die oh and people have found a way to like smoke it or take it or whatever and they all have this very of course they turn it into a vape yeah that's where we're at they found the thing that chimps feel when they orgasm of course i'll overdo it what's it called chimp gas of course but it is uh and people have asked me friends of mine have done dmt and they're like hey do you want to do dmt and i said the only reason i don't is on the off chance that there is nothing when we die i don't want to do dmt and that's heaven that's it yeah and i go oh well i unwrap my christmas presents before christmas well put well put and you're like now i know what heaven is and so this doesn't make it fun my fear with all of us i've never done anything really i have never done anything i got drunk on beers in 1980 i threw up and that was i'm good i will occasionally have a beer if i'm eating something that it goes well like or a fish and chips or a pizza like something but by and large i've never done anything i'm not sober i'm not sober i'm not sober i'm not sober nor do i judge people that do i just grew up surrounded by it eyeball deep in everything then i went into comedy where i saw more drugs than the eagles roadies i mean you went into comedy when blow was i watched sam kennison do four four inch lines of blow throw up and go on stage it was like i don't there's nothing even have a caesar salad before i go yeah me neither me neither oh i mean he said if you don't throw up you're doing it wrong and then he went on stage it was very funny that is very funny if you don't throw up you're doing it wrong also he was on that much blow yeah he was cloud nine he was that boy that boy was good that boy was humming he was humming but my wife wants me to do some kind of mushrooms or something like that i'm the only guy on earth whose wife thinks that they don't do enough drugs that's very funny yeah yeah mine's like come on take it easy you smoke a little too much weed yeah come on let's just do i think that's awesome i am the opposite i i don't think i can go more than a day without a coffee a day that's it i do we do we're gonna get some coffee here in a second yeah oh i love coffee so yeah i do the david lynch thing i do i drink coffee and then i meditate did you ever smoke cigarettes never smoked a cigarette i was on a tv show where i had to smoke a clove cigarette that looked like a real cigarette that was it no no no real cigarettes where on the show i shot the guy that played joe chill in batman begins oh look at that it all comes back around which my dad thought that was the greatest idea you want a shot like it's i didn't really show it it was a fake gun yeah he was gonna fall wherever the thing made the noise but it was the only thing i've ever done was a show called mob city is the only thing i've ever did my dad thought was cool that's fucking awesome you need one yeah you always need one my mom thought billions was really cool my mom's very supportive but sure of course but you need you need the one paul giamatti yeah i mean that was the giamatti and damien lewis yeah those guys were fucking the man everybody i'm friends with somebody who's friends with the giamatti and they but he's also like a super nerd like he loves planet of the apes he loves all that stuff dude he shows up and you you don't i'm sure this happens a lot in la but it happens i just know in new york where you don't it doesn't register ethan hawk walks by you just go like i gotta look like ethan hawk and you know like paul giamatti you don't even realize and you go that's fucking paul giamatti right because he's just like a regular guy in like a dolphin's hat right yeah and then he's like sitting there he's like hey dan and you're like oh you're one of the greatest actors ever and his dad former archie money the man who was the greatest actor in the history of bounce pete rose yeah of mlb which i talked to him about yeah it took me a couple years before i was like can we talk about your dad being commissioner and he's like absolutely and i think he's doing a movie about art bell oh yeah paul is yeah which is that again like more obscure yeah more obscure for me yeah dude he's paul's the fucking man yeah you're the man i appreciate you coming on dana i've been this is so fun this is so fun yeah you are hilarious your stand-up is so good thank you uh you've always been so funny and i i mean this from the bottom of my heart that 2014 just for laughs thing really fucking thank you very much brain ointment for me and a lot of other comedians when you feel lost as fuck an easier talk to talk than walk to walk but i try yeah but it is good it's a good thing and if you're a young comic and you're like struggling with it go read dana's speech because he does make the point that i think everyone knows if you're doing comedy and you're a comic you made it you've made it yeah you've done it this is it on youtube and watch everything he does because dana gould's fucking hilarious