Speaker 1and they're like, well, what do you, what do you think you should do? And I'm like, well, I think I should get out of bartending, get another job and go to daily meetings in Burlington. And they're like, what do you think about going to a long-term like rehab place? And I'm like, I think I should go to those places. I'm like, I think I need to go there. And I, and I'm, I was like, it was relief, like being honest with them and telling them and them being supportive and wanting to help was the complete opposite of how I thought it would go in my head. All those years that I thought about, if I tell them this, I won't have access to my nieces or nephews. My family's going to abandon me. My mom's sister died of alcoholism and people talk shit about her. So they're going to talk shit about me and I'm going to be out of the family. And it was the
Speaker 2complete opposite, complete, complete opposite. Hi there. Welcome back or welcome to Recovering Out Loud podcast, the show where we get real about mental health and addiction. I'm so glad you're or someone you love is struggling with drugs or alcohol. Please reach out for help. Send me a message on all social media platforms at Recovering Out Loud pod or by email at Recovering Out Loud pod at gmail.com. You are no longer alone. Getting used to this. This is nice. There we go. Yeah. This is good. Intimate setting here. Patrick, thanks so much for coming down, brother. I appreciate you. We met on that beautiful retreat, Language of the Heart that Mary was on as well. And Bo, who's coming on here later. What was that like for you, that experience? Have you ever been on anything like that? What was that experience like for you?
Speaker 1Yeah. So it was different than I thought it was going to be. When I first signed up for it, I thought it was a all-male retreat. And then I found out that it was co-ed, which is totally fine. And it was more fun than I thought. Like, I really thought it would be... Like it sounds? Yeah. Like intensive, almost, yeah, like a really deep dive. But it was those things, like there was that opportunity. But then the social aspect, I've never been to any event in recovery that is like fun. Like I haven't, I'm new to recovery. So it was my first time like going and like doing karaoke and just going to a pool party. So those things were different than I thought and a lot of fun. Yeah. They made it really comfortable too. I mean,
Speaker 2there's a lot of firsts in recovery, right? And I'm sure you're familiar with this. You're 10 months along now. Yeah. Just over 10. Congrats, bro. That's huge. Is this your longest you've ever been? Sober? Oh, yeah. Yeah. You were like a 10 minute guy before, like me? Scraping the other 10 minutes here and there?
Speaker 1Yeah. Pretty much was using every day for 25 years. I had one stretch where I went like four weeks. That was my longest time without using anything. And probably white knuckling it the whole way. I flew to Portugal to get away from everything and went to the smallest island to make sure that I didn't have any contacts and didn't have anything. Because at that point, I was like, yeah, I don't want to use anymore. But as soon as I came back, there it is. Four days later,
Speaker 2right back into it. Yeah. Addiction is a funny thing, right? But yeah, it was really comfortable. So there's a lot of firsts in recovery. First wedding, sober, first bonfire, really, even though there was no bonfire because of the stupid fire restriction. I'm still upset about that. But it's okay. We sat around in a circle. And I mean, there's a lot of times in my life where that was filled with drinking. Drugs was sitting in that circle outside in the, you know, cottage country, whatever. And I'll tell you, stimulants and fire pits, like fire in cottages, stimulants and cottages don't mix very well at all. Oh, no. It's like the worst drug to pair with, you know, people are smoking weed and drinking and you're just fucking in your chair just jittering. Oh, my God. Yeah, I've had
Speaker 1some bad. Well, memorable campfires for sure, where, you know, it's just amazing that no one died. We had like a grad trip in high school. These girls stole a tractor tire. That was what we used for our fire ring. Oh, the fire got massive with a tractor tire being the outside ring. And people are jumping over it. We're throwing cans of things into the fire pit. I'm assuming gasoline was involved. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, I remember one, like something got thrown in the fire. It exploded. I got hit in the ear and I thought my ear was like gone. And my buddy used a flashlight. He's like, it's beans. Someone threw a can of beans in and it smoked my ear. And I thought I was on a lot of substances and, you know, yeah, just playing with fire. Literally the metaphor. Like I played with fire for so long. But at cottages, yeah, it was always just grab the cooler, set up shop and a lot of times pass out, you know, at the fire. Yeah. Everyone stops and, you know, we keep going,
Speaker 2right? Oh yeah. That was the story of my life. So I want to get into a little bit about your story and what brought you into recovery, but why don't you tell us, tell us about like what childhood
Speaker 1was like for you? All right. Yeah. I grew up in a really good family. I'm the youngest of four kids. Um, and being the youngest, um, I was very like insecure kind of from the start. My, older siblings are fantastic, but like any kid growing up, you know, you pick on the, the youngest one, you know? So a lot of feelings of like, I'm not going to be smart enough to ever learn how to write an essay. Um, I'm really young. So, you know, when my, when I get to be like 30, my parents will be 70. Oh my God, they'll be dead. Like just a lot of black and white thinking and distorted thinking where I, I grew up, um, yeah, really insecure and really not confident in myself. So I learned kind of at an early age to wear masks. Like I started to do, you know, impersonations of actors and try to get a laugh out of people. Cause that's kind of the only way that I felt accepted was like by not being myself kind of, but I grew up in a good family. I played sports, was involved in music, like was in swimming, like basically how I could describe it as during the day, I was filled by doing activities and, and things. And then when it came to nighttime, as far as I can remember, whenever it was time to go to bed, I'd be in my bed replaying the day and overthinking about this person. Oh, I shouldn't have said this because now they don't like me or, oh, tomorrow I've got to do this and I'm not going to be smart enough to do it. So for me, like bedtime was always the worst. Interesting. Like ever since you can remember. From literally when I was like, I can remember being like from four years old till, you know, adulthood, bedtime was when I would be up for hours, just worrying, just constant worry and fear about what the next day will bring, what happened that day. Oh my God, they don't like me. I shouldn't have said that, you know, and just like trying to rewrite the script about, okay, how can I do this? Or what can I do to fix this? So like, yeah, I, I could, I would be awake for hours and,
Speaker 2um, that was just ruminate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, was that the reason that you turned to drugs
Speaker 1and alcohol, like to quiet that noise? Would you say? Um, I'd say like I wanted, I always wanted validation. So I wanted to like find my way to the popular crowd. Right. And in high school, like in grade nine, that was my way into the popular crowd. My parents went away on a three week vacation. So my sister and I threw a three week party. And, um, that was when the popular kids came to hang out with me because I had a place for them to come. And that's when I started doing drugs and alcohol. And it was like, uh, okay, I'm in, like, I'm in with these guys now. So I want to keep this going. And I find like with, uh, with weed, which was like my higher power for 25 years, like that was, that always remained other things came in and out, but weed was like, I can now like go to bed. So like, you know, it would ease, it would ease my way of anxiety and things like that. That was kind of like my wake up, do that. Okay. I can go to do this now. It was kind of like I had to smoke weed before doing anything. And then at the end of the night, like, smoke till you passed out kind of thing. Like I'd still would be worried, but you just consume so much that that was my answer. Alcohol was like the social party thing to do, but weed became my
Speaker 2dependent in high school. Yeah. And so at what moment did you realize that it was getting really bad? Like when you first realized that this was a problem?
Speaker 1Probably like, okay. We'd go out like on a Saturday night or whatever. whatever and we'd go to a party or a house party or whatever and then you get home at like whatever i'd probably be home at like one in the morning at that time or 12 and i'd get home and i'd go on to like msn messenger remember that like that was before instagram and everything there was msn messenger and my one buddy was like a dealer and i'd always message him being like can i come over and I needed to keep it going. So that was like mid high school, but I didn't really have any awareness that it was a serious problem. I just was like, this is what I need. I can't like be at home. I need to keep the party going. It's probably not until I like was introduced to cocaine that that was kind of when I saw that like, okay, my personality is very addictive and this thing is really getting me into trouble. I kind of got by through high school and like was on sports teams and did okay in school. So it didn't really hit me that it was affecting me that much during the high school years. It was kind of like when I was introduced to cocaine and how that took over my life pretty quickly. And, you know, yeah, you can get into that too.
Speaker 2Well, I mean, yeah, like what was your first experience? Was it the same thing? Like people had it and you wanted to fit in? Cause that was me too. It was my experience was the same thing. It was at a party and I had stayed away from it for a while because it scared the shit out of me, right? Like it was, that was like the one thing I was never going to do. I got into alcohol. I got into weed. I didn't really like weed. I would always green out. I was that guy. I've always, you know, it never really agreed with me. But I remember being at a party one time and a guy had known that people, some people were doing it and it was just right in the open. They had it on a CD case and they're like, they basically were like, I don't want to say they forced me, but it felt forced in that moment. But I also wanted to do it and to fit in and cause everyone else was doing it. And I didn't necessarily, I wasn't excited about the outcome. You know what I mean? It was more so, yeah, to like appease my friends. And also this is, this is here now and peer pressure and whatever, right? What was that like for you, that first experience?
Speaker 1Yeah, I was in university and my like guys, hanging out with all the time. The, I knew that they had started to do it, but it was something growing up like yourself. Like I was like, I'll never do that. Like, that was like, there's no way I'm going to do that. That will kill me. You know, whereas weed and alcohol, I was like, okay, well, everyone seems to be, well, not everyone, but a lot of people seem to be doing this and I wasn't that scared of it. But yeah, like it just came about, we went to the bar and then afterwards they were like, want to come with us? And I was in residence at Guelph and they went down to like the basement of the res and like, you want to go lift some weights was the code word. I want to go to the weight room. And they would, and I, and I went and I, I joined them because I honestly saw, I'm like, well, they didn't die and they can stay up later now. And just, I was blind to the writ. Like, I was just like, yeah, I'm doing it. And once I did it the first time, I was like, this is amazing. It was amazing. Yeah, that was my experience. You know, like, it was like, whoa. And so for that year at Guelph, the one year I did it, and it was probably for about a year and a half when I was like 19 to 20. And then a good friend of mine got on my case about it. I like basically flunked out of Guelph. I could have, I never went to school. I was just doing partying, like full-time party, you know, almost got kicked out of res. Like, could have gone back on probation. But once my parents actually found out about my grades, like, we're getting you out of there. So I think I did it a couple of times after that year. But by the next Christmas, a good friend of mine was like, well, I'm worried about you. This isn't, like, why do you need to be doing this? And I saw, I'm like, yeah, I'm like, I really fucked up that year. So I stopped doing, any hard drug from that point when I was like 21 and stayed away from, from cocaine until I was 33. I went 12 years without doing hard drugs and just went back to weed and alcohol, which caused me a lot of problems, which I can get into too. But I had, for whatever reason, was able to stop doing the hard stuff for, for a while.
Speaker 2Yeah. And then it ultimately came back. But no, I think it's, I do want to get into it because there's this thing around weed that it gets classed with alcohol now where it's like, I'm not going to ruin my life. It's not that bad. It's, it's legal, right? All these things. I had another guy on the podcast here that it nearly burned his life to the ground, right? Like he really struggled. He couldn't do anything. You know what I mean? It took away all his motivation, his drive, his personality, to your point. So I think it's important to like, what did, what did those years look like while you were doing that? Like, what was the progression like?
Speaker 1Yeah. So I left Guelph. And then got into, went to Mohawk college and like got involved in athletics again and things like that. But every, like, like I told you, like I needed to smoke weed as soon as I woke up in between every class. If I didn't have it, I couldn't focus on anything. Like if there was no way I could go without it. And if I was running low, then I was going to do everything. I could call every dealer I could. This is before it was legalized. Right? Like, so my, the obsession of my mind was purely focused on having it and making sure I had enough and, uh, you know, stealing money from my parents. If I had to selling stuff, you know, everything kind of revolved around it. Then I started dealing it because I'm like, okay, if I start to grab it, then I can sell to all my friends and I can smoke for free. Well, you know, you end up just not just, just smoking it. Then having to pay for it yourself, you know? Um, but, uh, I got through, I don't know. We, I, I, I really was like Bob Marley, you know, Rasta man, like peace and happiness. And, you know, I thought that that would, would be okay for me. So the alcohol was when I got into more problems with police and problems, um, blacking out and more, more things came. With the alcohol, the weed was just like the necessity had to have it. If I didn't have it, then, then I would be only one track mind thinking about it. And if I didn't have it, I was a miserable, angry, irritable person. Um, but it was like, um, you know how they say it's like a slow progression. I found that weed, like in my head was the answer for a really long time. And I didn't think anything was wrong. I really didn't think anything was wrong. With it for till I pretty much till I came into recovery and realized how it was like my entire life revolves around substance. Yeah.
Speaker 2Yeah. And so what was the moment like, can you walk us through like what ultimately took you down to your last, uh, drink or drug?
Speaker 1Yeah, for sure. Um, the last like, uh, six years were basically like, I always wanted like a girl. And then the last girl. That I seriously dated broke up with me. And at that point I basically sold my soul to the devil is how, uh, what I would say, like anything that was like, I'll never do that. I was just like, I'm doing it because fuck, fuck everyone, you know? Like, and I got out of like, I used to work in mental health. I got out of that career. I started bartending, I moved to Honduras and started scuba diving. Um, and that's when I picked up doing Coke again was when I went to Honduras and I was like. I was right before COVID was doing, you know, on this small Island, all backpackers, they're all like 18 to 24. I'm 36, you know, being like sweet right back in it, you know? And, um, that's when it kind of just took over COVID shut the Island down. I moved back home and from COVID, it was like, okay, now I can isolate and use drugs and pretty much from COVID till last October. Um, that was what I did. I isolated and was doing Coke and I'd bartend. And, um, then last year in August, I was like, sorry, I went to like Portugal to try and get off of it. Cause my life, I was in debt and wasn't going to work and living at my parents' house and lying to them, lying to everyone. I'm like, I need to stop this because like, literally like my life is, I have no life. So I went to Portugal, did four weeks where I was clean. So I went to Portugal, did four weeks where I was clean with no solution, no recovery plan. Just like white knuckle it, go somewhere. That's beautiful to distract yourself. Geological cure, geographical here. Yeah. And then I came back from there and within four days I was grabbing. And then that last 14 months, the progression of how much I was grabbing, knowing I didn't want to be doing it. I'm like, I don't want to do it. Wake up in the morning. Like I'm not doing it by two o'clock. I got a bag and I've called off work and I'm in my parents' basement, but I have. To lie to them to say, I am going to work. So then I'm driving parking lot to parking lot till I get paranoid, selling my clothes out of the. back of my car so that I have enough money to grab a bag you know and then my dad had a stroke last September and he's in the hospital and I'm like I need to like be there but I'm too much of a coward to tell any of my family members that I don't have a job and I've got three older siblings so I'd go do the hospital stuff and I'd always go by myself so I could use do some lines in the bathroom while he's sitting there and I'm like can't I'm like have numbness in my left arm and I'm like I wonder who's gonna go first him or me you know and um I'm lying saying I'm going to work so my siblings are driving in from Pickering or Toronto to come see my dad in Burlington and then one night my mom and my brother went to to to to the hospital to see my dad I said I was working they went to my restaurant after they visited and the manager goes oh Pat he he hasn't worked here for a couple months and my brother messaged me and that was I'm in a parking lot by myself high out of my mind and I see the message and I'm like I give up I'm exhausted I have nothing left I I can't go on like this how am I gonna I can't lie my way out of this anymore and in my head I'm like I can't be honest because I can't let them down because I need to be there for my dad while he's in the hospital this is like the only time in our life where I really need to be there for someone I'm like but I can't stop and so I had to come clean and I told my siblings and my mom I go I've been trying to get I'm addicted to substance I've been working for a few years and I really can't and I really need help and they all supported me the next day my brother and two sisters came down took me to dinner and my sister had been on the phone lines with addiction centers all day and she's just like what are you using how often are you using it how much money are you in debt and I was like all answering all of these things and and they're like well what do you what do you think you should do and I'm like well I think I should get out of bartending get another job and go to daily meetings in Burlington and they're like what do you think about going to a long-term like rehab place and I'm like I think I should go to those places I'm like I think I need to go there and I and I'm I was like it was relief like being honest with them and telling them and them being supportive and wanting to help was the complete opposite of how I thought it would go in my head all those years that I was there and I was like I need to go there and I was like I need to go there and I thought about if I tell them this I won't have access to my nieces or nephews my family's going to abandon me my mom's sister died of alcoholism and people talk shit about her so they're going to talk shit about me and I'm going to be out of the family and it was the complete opposite complete complete opposite where they found facilities for me to go to and they said we're willing to help in any way that that you need it's such an important message man I think
Speaker 2I think a lot of people need to hear that that it's like that that's it keeps people sick for so long is how they're going to be perceived if they come out and tell the truth right there's such a stigma around it and one of the reasons I started this podcast was to kind of you know I don't think we'll ever break the stigma or you know but it's like yeah however I think it's going to go in my head it never goes in any situation right it's my mind lies to me my addiction lies to me and tells me it's going to be this way and it never is it's such an important message to get that out there that it's like there are people you might you just don't see it there are people that are willing to help you and do whatever it takes and come to bat put you know go to bat for you um but you won't know until you fucking ask right you won't know until you admit and get on a step one it's like I have a problem and I can't control it my life is unmanageable and um uh we were what is it again we were uh we came to our lives yeah we can't control it our lives are unmanageable and I need help right I can't do this on my own so you know I I think that's that's a really big moment so what was rehab like going into rehab and and then coming out and
Speaker 1what's life like today yeah so going into rehab I remember being like well I had at that point I was like extremely felt guilt that I'm leaving my family while my dad's in the hospital and and meanwhile they're like yeah they're like he's in the hospital he's gonna be here for a few months he's getting the care like all we can do is go visit him during visiting hours and I there's enough people that are gonna visit him where it's like this is the time you need to go like this is when you need to so uh I was very like upset with myself and really hard on myself for being there and I remember the first day I walked in um and people are all outside under the gazebo and they're like hi hi and this one guy just comes up and gives me the biggest hug and he goes welcome home bro welcome to the family you're gonna love yourself and I looked at him and I was like no fucking way and I went into my room and stayed in my room because I was like no I'm like no way I'm like I'm like this guy I'm afraid of that guy and like I'm not gonna love myself you don't know what I've been through you know like so the first day I um yeah was kind of in in my room and I remember the first night um the mattress my back hurt and I was yelling at the nurses I'm like I need a firmer mattress if I'm gonna be
Speaker 3staying here for 45 days I gotta you know what do you can you get me a new mattress
Speaker 1and I'm just like out of my mind right and uh and then the next day I really was like okay let's let's go in and um every day was just like better and better when I once I started to go to the classes and um once I got a primary counselor uh I it was for me like camp man like I loved it like I loved all the people and the counselors and it taught me a lot about how it is a disease I had no idea I honestly didn't know it was classified as a disease and that you know a lot of people have it and that there is a solution and once um I cried a lot like I cried a lot yeah especially once there are people that I like got close with and when they were leaving I would be the one like you go around and share and I'd be the one who's an emotional wreck for me it was like an emotional purge of years because I couldn't be emotional prior to going to rehab so yeah it was a lot of crying for me but like for the most part good tears of being like necessary yeah like I'm like I wish this person well and they helped me a lot but uh yeah I learned it's a disease that you know holding resentments like is really drinking poison and expecting the other person to die so I was able to like see I guess my counselor showed me my part and that was like a revelation for me of being like oh my god like I am judgmental I am critical of other people I am a people pleaser I you know have carried these little things that happened to me in my life for decades and hung on to them and they've I've been sick because I'm hanging on to things that now when I look at like those things that I was holding on to I can be like it's not mine to carry you know like I don't that's not that's not on me you know like I don't need to carry this anymore I'm I'm worthy you know and I remember there was a counselor that kind of was like do you love yourself unconditionally I go I don't love it I don't have anything that I like about myself at all and by the time that was like in week one and then by the time that I left after 45 days I was like I'm starting to like myself you know like starting you know working out being nice to people taking accountability finding a higher power like I was trying to do a range every one and you know if people were fighting or their relationships I'd just be just pick everything apart and then it was just like radical acceptance of like this is how people are so there's a lot of sick people you should probably pray for them as opposed to
Speaker 2change them just pray for them yeah yeah that's a huge mindset shift right like yes so recovery does is it it shifts my perspective on it and my perception and hey maybe like you said maybe this isn't mine to carry maybe I have a part in this maybe they can live their life and be okay and I can be okay like what a concept right I they don't have to live according to my script um yeah you said a lot of good stuff there did you have any moments um you know backtracking a bit where you you know you came close to I don't know some really risky situations where you like were like well that was close and then you kind of got out of it or or was it like what was that like like post rehab no before like in your addiction
Speaker 1if we oh close calls yeah oh yeah definitely um like honestly i drank and drove for two decades so putting myself at risk with that for sure i got one dui where i don't remember leaving the bar apparently a couple video recorded me from when i got in my car because i guess was staggering and then i somehow ended up in my i had a townhouse at that time i ended up parked passed out and the cop i woke up to the cherries behind me and i was had no idea of how i got there um so i had to obviously go to court for that um luckily i didn't kill anyone like i'm it the fact that i didn't ever injure somebody or myself badly is is god's doing yeah because i definitely was behind the wheel a lot that was the one that i had to tell my parents about outside of that smashed a curb once backed into a pole another time um and then got uh another uh almost i don't know if you know what i'm saying but i was in the dui where i was in the warren range um so a lot of the breathalyzer yeah yeah yeah so there was a lot and i kept all those a secret right because i could be like oh someone hit me oh they you know the car in front of me put their brake lights on so i would do these things and i you know i'm single and live by myself or whatever so i was able to really like hide a lot of a lot of my um i don't know if you know what i'm saying but i was able to really like hide a lot of a lot of my um i don't know if you know what i'm saying but i was able to really like hide a lot of a lot of my um i don't know if you know what i'm saying but i was able to really like hide a lot of a lot of my troubles and just like get away with them without taking any troubles and just like get away with them without taking any troubles and just like get away with them without taking any responsibility for them responsibility for them responsibility for them but um yeah those probably the drinking and driving are yeah those probably the drinking and driving are yeah those probably the drinking and driving are where i really where i really where i really put the most people and myself at put the most people and myself at put the most people and myself at risk um risk um risk um the most ironic story would be the most ironic story would be the most ironic story would be that i left work one day and when i was that i left work one day and when i was that i left work one day and when i was working in toronto at like 5 p.m and i working in toronto at like 5 p.m and i working in toronto at like 5 p.m and i was i was sober was i was sober was i was sober and i just left work and i go around a and i just left work and i go around a and i just left work and i go around a corner and a guy comes flying around me corner and a guy comes flying around me corner and a guy comes flying around me and i got t-boned by a drunk driver oh and i got t-boned by a drunk driver oh and i got t-boned by a drunk driver oh wow all airbags go off wow all airbags go off wow all airbags go off full like i luckily only got whiplash full like i luckily only got whiplash full like i luckily only got whiplash out of it but my car was totaled yeah out of it but my car was totaled yeah out of it but my car was totaled yeah and and and i remember i remember i remember calling my family and i've been in so calling my family and i've been in so calling my family and i've been in so many car accidents before they were at many car accidents before they were at many car accidents before they were at the cottage and i'm like the cottage and i'm like the cottage and i'm like hey i'm uh hey i'm uh hey i'm uh i got into an accident they're like was it i got into an accident they're like was it i got into an accident they're like was it your fault was the first thing they your fault was the first thing they your fault was the first thing they said and when they said that said and when they said that said and when they said that i got so mad that they like i got so mad i got so mad that they like i got so mad i got so mad that they like i got so mad at them and i held a huge resentment at them and i held a huge resentment at them and i held a huge resentment that that that they didn't ask if i was like okay that they didn't ask if i was like okay that they didn't ask if i was like okay that they first were like they first were like they first were like is it your fault yeah and then you know is it your fault yeah and then you know is it your fault yeah and then you know they didn't leave the cottage to come they didn't leave the cottage to come they didn't leave the cottage to come see me in the hospital and i built this see me in the hospital and i built this see me in the hospital and i built this huge huge huge resentment towards them even though like resentment towards them even though like resentment towards them even though like if you play the tape back if you play the tape back if you play the tape back every time it was my fault every time i every time it was my fault every time i every time it was my fault every time i had been in trouble had been in trouble had been in trouble you know and the next day i got a rental you know and the next day i got a rental you know and the next day i got a rental car car car and they're at the cottage so i'm in town and they're at the cottage so i'm in town and they're at the cottage so i'm in town by myself and they're at the cottage so i'm in town and i go to the bar at 11 a.m and i go to the bar at 11 a.m and i go to the bar at 11 a.m and i get blackout blackout drunk with and i get blackout blackout drunk with and i get blackout blackout drunk with the bartender just me and her the bartender just me and her the bartender just me and her and the day after i get t-boned by a and the day after i get t-boned by a and the day after i get t-boned by a drunk driver drunk driver drunk driver i back the rental car up into a pole and i back the rental car up into a pole and i back the rental car up into a pole and cause five thousand dollars worth of cause five thousand dollars worth of cause five thousand dollars worth of damage damage damage drive the car back park it underground drive the car back park it underground drive the car back park it underground pass out next morning i wake up that was pass out next morning i wake up that was pass out next morning i wake up that was the first time that i had any the first time that i had any the first time that i had any recollection that i did that recollection that i did that
Speaker 2recollection that i did that that's that's addiction man like right that's that's addiction man like right that's that's addiction man like right there i mean that's alcoholism that's there i mean that's alcoholism that's there i mean that's alcoholism that's addiction right there addiction right there addiction right there despite adverse consequences i'm still despite adverse consequences i'm still despite adverse consequences i'm still going right no matter what and uh yeah i going right no matter what and uh yeah i you to as yourself every time you do that right and i would use that of resentment too it's like i'm gonna show them like fuck them i'll do whatever i want this and it's all this ego thing right um yeah that's powerful man i i truly believe that the universe god you know whatever higher power you you have right for me i just call it god but it's like you know he's showing you the universe is showing you these signs right and it's like you to your point you get into rehab and then you just have so much emotion because of all this stuff that has happened and occurred in your life and you finally rehab was really good for me too because i was able to just have a different perspective on all the shit that i did a sober perspective a real perspective of like damn i was a tornado man and like my parents you know they had so many sleepless nights right so you know when your parents answer the phone like that my first thought is like yeah no like i completely get that right you you put you put us through all this like you know that would be my first question too right but yeah i think it's a it's a very important like that is alcoholism that is addiction it's like i don't have a choice anymore in the matter right this is not a thing of willpower this is a disease it's progressive and it's fatal you know um so i'm really glad that you got into the recovery man we need more of more people we need more you know it's there's a lot of people suffering out there so um what um what is faith spirituality god what does that look like to you today
Speaker 1yeah i i i say the word god because it's easy right but for me um i always like enjoyed nature like so at first when they were like introduced into the 12 stuff like you need to find some sort of higher power and like you can be it whatever you want it to be so i first was just kind of like the you know spirits of the universe was kind of what i thought about and great outdoors you know yeah the outdoors was always um somewhere where like i would find peace and tranquility like if i'm in the middle of take a canoe out to the middle of the lake and sit and just look at the reflections off the water and trees or whatever so that's how i first like was like okay and then i started to go to the meditations um and during meditation i i created a good bond with the instructor at the rehab who was leading it and i really like took his suggestions and i remember the first few times you know i was like okay well my mind like was still racing kind of like i couldn't really totally settle in but i'm like it was a good thing to do just take a break from everything and sit and breathe and then i remember it was like probably like fourth time that i did meditation one of the clients was leaving the next day and the instructor's like if you have any you know energy to pass on to this person like try to send some energy and i remember getting that like zing of energy at my spine like goosebumps almost like sometimes when i used to like use you know that feeling where you like that first little inkling of like oh my gosh there's something there's something there's something there's something going on and i felt that and i was like whoa i'm like i've never felt that sober before you know and that really was like my first sign that i was connecting to something bigger than myself and it's like i guess they call it like fission when you get like goosebumps or energy through your body and after that point i just embraced that and at first it was only through meditation that i would get those feelings but then it was like when i hear again i guess speaker and they say something it shoots up in my spine yes when i think you know i'm around my family or whatever and i see like a beautiful moment i get these things gratitude when yeah and it started to become it wasn't just in meditation anymore it was like when something happens throughout the day could be anything whether it's in nature whether it's someone speaking whether you know it's someone's relapse story whether now sober like it happens all the time for me where that's how i feel it's like there's something going on that is way way bigger than me that i'll never know how to explain i don't want to even try to explain what my higher power is all i know is that like i'm alive today because i feel the grace of god and that you know i now have work to do that i want to do to do things for other people because i was so self-centered and selfish but he kept me alive and now i don't the stuff i felt shame and guilt about is like i want to tell it so that it helps someone else you know so i really feel like even when i was bringing that up i feel these vibes i feel these vibes and i am comfortable being like i'll never have the capacity or the intelligence to be able to say what my higher power is all i know is it isn't me and it's out there and it's it's keeping me sober and i love that
Speaker 2love that yeah you explained that really well um i hadn't heard it explained like that in a while this sort of like the opposite of addiction is connection they say a lot of people say i think johan harry was the first one to say that on a ted talk and i heard that in treatment and it blew me away when i saw that ted talk but it's so true man like i'm so isolated for so long in my disease and all i care about is pleasing Anthony. That's all I care about. Self-centered, selfish, like you said. And then I come into recovery and I start to feel this connection with a story of this connection with the universe, this connection with the Nate, with nature. Um, it's a beautiful thing, man, you know, but I have to be open to it and I have to do something about it or else it just kind of, I don't even notice it sometimes, right. It'll just pass. And yeah, it's a beautiful thing. What are, what are some like daily essentials, um, must do's in recovery for you today to stay
Speaker 1sober? Yeah. So every morning when I wake up a lot of the time, I, when my eyes first open, I'm like, why am I awake? Why didn't I sleep longer? I don't want to do anything. So, uh, it's immediately the step three for me is like, God, I'm Patty. I'm powerless to drugs, alcohol, women, money, everything, basically. And I basically am, I am life. I'm powerless to life. So please, please help me show me the next right step. Show me how to be of service to you and to others. And please help me stay sober today. Thank you. That is like how I have to start every morning by turning my will and my life over every day. And then I hop on like a meditation, morning meditation meeting. And that gets my day, regardless of how I wake up, in the morning. Cause a lot of times it is that not pleased, uh, it switches me. And by 9 AM every day, I'm like, okay, now I can set forth and go forward. Um, I need to, uh, like every day is be a good human being. So, you know, for me, I find it's like, you know, saying hi to people on the elevator or holding the door open, or, you know, just returning a shopping cart or like, just like small little acts of, kindness for me is something that I want to do at all times. I want to talk to my mom, uh, every day as well. Like we have like a group thread through my family that we text on, but I like want to talk to my mom because it probably caused her the most harm out of everyone. Um, and our relationships better. I usually am at a meeting every night or I'm doing like a spot sponsee. I have a sponsee now. Um, so I'm taking them through the book. Um, and then, uh, I now like that I'm 10 months and I started playing, um, like a sport. So at night I got to like, either be on a team at a team meeting or being somebody's teammate, you know, literally the opposite of isolation. Yeah. Yeah. I gotta, I gotta be connected some way, shape or form. Um, yeah, the essentials are making recovery first is my essential, you know, it's given me a life now that I have, but that is like pretty much my focus all day is like, how can I live within these 12 steps and how can I practice these 12 steps? And for me now, the 12th step is like my most important one is like, I want to help. So, um, I never thought that my story would, be helpful to anyone. I figured it would have a tragic end ending. That was my distorted thinking before. And now I feel like, you know, I've been around enough to be like, yeah, that my, my story
Speaker 2could actually help someone. Yeah. Yeah. I love it, man. What does service do for you in terms of the one-on-one because honestly, bro, by far, that's still my favorite part of recovery is taking another guy through the steps through the book. Um, what does it do for you? Gets me out of
Speaker 1my head because, uh, during like rehab, you're programmed 24 seven basically. And then I went to sober living for three months after rehab where you're programmed a lot there as well. Yeah. And now I live on my own, um, in an apartment. So, and I've had one job I got fired from the other job. I had to resign because it wasn't really safe anymore. So I've been in a flux of like, I have time. So I need to be of service. Cause, like I can only do a meeting, go work out, you know, go to the pool for an hour, like three hours a day. For me, it's like, it gets me out of my head. Cause my thinking still is insane. If I'm sitting there by myself, I can spin. I can be like, Oh, what if this happens? What if this happens? You know? Oh my God, I made a mistake here. I should sit in self-pity and, you know, eat junk food the rest of the day and not talk to anyone. So for me, it gives me purpose. It's like, I need service so that I get out of my head and that I can go see other people and build some self-worth back into my life and realize that I'm not alone. So when we were in sober living, they like, like be of service, be of service, be of service. We're like, I have two months. I'm like, you can't be a service at a home group till you're a year. Right? Like, so we just thought of ways that we could go and do stuff. And we kind of like took it upon ourselves to do that. And so for me, I love it, man. Like it's, it's my favorite part of, of the program is volunteering or, or being, going to my home group and setting up the chairs and, you know, like seeing other people who have years of addiction and being able to talk to them. Like they're being of service is like me being of service. People are being service to me. So it's, it's like a total cycle of like, it's not just me going to help. I'm actually being helped for sure.
Speaker 2I always say it's like the pyramid scheme without the scheme, right? Like the recovery, you know, meetings, all that stuff. It's like this beautiful pyramid scheme that there's no catch, right? It's like people, they want to do things to help you, but also it helps them. And it's, yeah, it's this beautiful sort of give and take to like cycle, like you said. Um, I love that, man. What's something that you're, you know, you've been recently working on personally, like something that you're, you're trying to work on, uh, letting
Speaker 1go of outcomes. Same. Yes. Yeah. You know, like the whole, like putting your entire life into, into God's will for me, like my defects of character, will come up where it's like fear of being alone, financial insecurity. So, you know, not obsessing over what job is going to make me the money or what, what job do I need to get? And really just being like, you know what, let go of all that stuff. Just stick in the middle of the 12 step program and you will be rewarded. So like really what I've been working on through this, like transition of job is doing more within, within the 12 steps because the promises come true. If I actually do what I'm supposed to do, which is, you know, be right in the middle of that. And that's why, like I went on the retreat. That's why, you know, I don't say no when I'm asked to do something and yeah, it just gives me the purpose, but yeah, really letting go of outcomes completely is what I'm trying to work on because. I don't know how to do a lot of things without that payoff, right? Like without knowing there's a payoff. Like for instance, if I were like back in the day, like I'm not dating anyone, but in the back in the day, it's like, well, I'm only going to go out with her up to this, you know, like if I know that we're going to be a thing or I'm going to get something out of it. And now it's like, just speaking to girls as friends is, a new thing for me. I don't know how it's like just talking to people without any expectation or any outcome. And same with like going and trying something new and having no idea how to do it or what it is like this. I've never done a podcast. It's like, well, just go and talk, like just go. And so just showing up and, and really trying to be a helpful and, and realizing that everything that is supposed to happen will happen. Mm-hmm. If you live within, you know, the 12 steps and being a good human being, then God will take care of you. So letting go of all that has been what I'm working on.
Speaker 2I agree, man. I'm struggling with that too, but it's also like, you know, the 12 steps and the principles behind them too is so important, right? Because in my daily life, if I'm practicing honesty, um, hope, faith, um, you know, uh, brotherly love service, um, humility, like all these things, if I'm just trying my best, I'm not going to be perfect. It's progress, not perfection. We are not saints, right? If I constantly practice that things are going to work out, you know, they might not work out on my time. They might not work out the way I wanted them to work out, but, uh, you know, invariably every single time I'm going to find out just like the book says that what I wanted, what I needed was what I wanted the whole time. Right. So what I actually needed is what I actually is what I really wanted the whole time. Right. I think I want this. I think I want, um, 10,000 followers on Instagram. I think I want my podcast to blow up and make money. But at the end of the day, it's like, no dude, you get to fucking sit down for two hours out of the day. a really cool person in recovery every single time talk recovery talk hope top talk faith and maybe help one person you know what i mean what a beautiful thing in and of itself shut up you know just just be grateful right like just just be grateful that you get to do that and you learned how to do all this stuff and like things have been happening where it's like yeah you know i i get like messages from people that i don't even know sometimes and i'm like holy like i didn't think that real that podcast that thing i didn't think that was helping it like i thought that was i didn't think that helped anybody i didn't think there was no any message of hope uh you know of of um uh recovery or or hope or faith in that and then it's like you know somebody messages me and like man i never realized that i did this or that or thank you and i'm just like oh yeah you did your job right like you did your service for today you know yeah yeah it was always like
Speaker 1you know i had it i had it now i lost it sorry live people good thing we're not alive all the time dude but it was always like for me it couldn't be about me it was like okay well you can come to me and i'll you can buy drugs from me or you know i'll be able to serve you at the bar or what can like i always thought of myself having to have something for someone to like get value out of me like i needed to have something else other than my own self it was like there's no way that anyone wants to hear from me about like the truth of my life you know it was like always some sort of external thing that it was like okay i need validation it's like yes you can use me for these things but it wasn't until i guess i like shared my story the first time i like guest spoke at a one of the meetings and then afterwards like people asked me for my number and were like you helped me and i was like whoa i'm like and then for me i'm like all that stuff i went through is worth it you know it's oh it's totally totally worth it um because if one if i can have one person then then that is
Speaker 2really that's enough yeah i love it what's the best piece of advice you got in early recovery
Speaker 1or in recovery in general i think um two things always stand out for me my my uh sponsor said life's none of my business um other people you know that was something that i always really got caught up with was how can i help other people or fix their problems when it's like i'm not a therapist i'm not qualified i don't have any god i'm not god but i would try to do whatever i could to get them to act in the way that i wanted so they'd be happy so they'd be happy with me so that they would like me but really i didn't have any idea how to help anyone so life's none of my business don't care be helpful and that has been really important because you've been you see that it's like a lot of people don't stay sober right a lot of people go out and you can you got to be try to be helpful for them be like i will try to you know show up for you or bring you coffee or like do you want to come to a meeting but if they're not ready to come back then you got to let it go yeah and that's like new because i would always like be too caring and be too involved and i would just give up everything and go and you know be in addiction with someone you know to try so don't care be helpful life's none of my business but the biggest one for me is page 417 acceptance is the answer to all my problems today um and that radical acceptance of every one else's life is that's how they are and i need to not try to change them i need to figure out a way that i can be helpful or just be there yeah because i have to have that radical acceptance that it's like i have no part in other people's business so whatever they say whatever they do if it goes against my how i think things should be i need to be like okay either you know stay out of it don't pick a fight or stay neutral or just be like i'm i can understand how you feel that way yeah
Speaker 2yeah it's powerful um i think alex hermosi said it but i just reminded me of of when you were talking there he he always says when someone pisses him off or someone you know does something that he doesn't agree with or he just says i say to myself now they're simply not living the way i would prefer in a way i which when in a way which i would prefer right they're not living in a way in which i would prefer right and it's so freeing to just think like that you know and then when i'm when somebody doesn't like me same thing i'm not living in a way in which they prefer right it's just like it's such a little simple mindset shift where it's like yeah it's not up to me i can't control them and if they're happy and they're not hurting anyone and either either way it's none of
Speaker 1my business yeah yeah i love you yeah that and i'd say a better understanding of like the word empathy to me empathy described when i was growing i was like put yourself in someone else's shoes and it's like okay i can do that i hate them you know like but then because i hate myself yeah empathy now like the way it would explain to me is like that is every experience and every point of that person's life from when they were a child through their growing up through their relationships through their whatever happened trauma and things in their life like empathy is putting yourself in that person's life from start till end and it's like it's like it's just like it's just like it's like it's just like it's just like it's just like it's just like it's just like it's just like it's just like it's just like it's just like it's just like it's just like it's just like it's just like and when i can do that with someone and look and perhaps they say things that i don't agree with but when i actually show that kind of empathy by starting from when they were born and taking into account all of the things that happen to them i actually feel way i can let the things go that bother me way easier and be like that is how they are they're not going to change and i actually have like it makes me feel like an for for judge for like being judgmental of someone who is maybe sick as well but there's a goddamn good reason that they are the way they are and i don't you know it allows me to really be more compassionate and empathetic towards other people and that has been really helpful for for me to be able to go back to that radical acceptance and be like yeah empathy is not just putting yourself in someone's shoes today it's putting yourself in to their life from start till
Speaker 2now i love that i've never heard that before i love that yeah um robin williams always used to say you know everybody is battling something you know nothing about right and it's true i don't know the full story so how can i assume anything you know i love it okay man let's close with this there's a you had a lot of good things did i learned a lot yeah did i do good do you like me yeah great subscribe check like follow me on instagram smash the ego smash it um what do you hope people get out of your story
Speaker 1i hope that they can um i hope that it just might help help somebody um but i hope that they can i don't know oh man good question what do i hope i stole it from someone i guess the main the main thing that i would hope and i probably didn't really even express this but like there's so much help there is so much help and um people willing to help that you know you can change you know like i can my thinking has done a complete 180 from less than a year ago till now a year ago i was you know at home too scared to look up rehab places but i knew i needed to go and there was just no way and now it's like i would recommend it to anyone it's like this is not don't be ashamed you know don't be ashamed if you have this disease that a lot of us have it's it's okay and there's a lot of people that can help um and i don't know and you like by me getting help what you might be so ashamed of can probably allow you to actually help someone else well said
Speaker 2thanks so much i have no idea i appreciate you buddy thanks for coming down man thank you that
Speaker 4was awesome thanks for listening please help us grow the channel and like share and subscribe for more content the discussion will continue in the next episode and i'll see you in the next episode peace out is struggling with addiction, please consult a licensed physician, addiction specialist, or mental health professional. You are no longer alone.
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