We Took Psychedelic Mushrooms: Spirit Guides, Hellscapes, & Epiphanies We’ll Never Forget

[MUSIC PLAYING] Lemonada. Welcome to "Inner Childish." Side effects may include laughing too hard and unexpected emotional growth. Wait, this is just like we're just doing it. We're just doing the thing. How should we start? [LAUGHTER] [MUSIC PLAYING] Hi. Hi. What is this-- what is this calm energy you're bringing to the studio today? I'm just trying to bring my healing, you know, mushroom energy to the episode. I feel like maybe that was your journey and not mine. So this is the energy I'm bringing. I feel like it's fun to talk about these things, but then it's hard because it's so emotional. No, it was so much. Like, you hear mushrooms like, oh, you guys are fun. There was nothing really fun about that seven hours of my life. Mine was really, really fun, but we had different trips. I'm just so not our personalities were, like, me did not have fun doing something like that. So true. That's actually so true. I did actually text Max a few days ago, and I said, throwback to that turkey sandwich you made me on the beach when I was tripping balls. That was the most delicious thing I've ever had in my life. Dude, I am honestly ready to hear your story again. How was your week, though? Let's start there. Well, I guess starting with a catch-up, which is what we're going to do every episode here, guys. I know it's only episode two, but-- I feel like I'm showing up to this, like, we've been doing it for 100 years already. I tried to look so cute the first episode. Today, I'm, like, barely put on lip gloss. I'm wearing a ponytail. I'm in my sweats. But no, my week was good. I did a lot of travel. I visited some family, which was so nice. I feel like I always do this thing where I have high expectations for the videos I'm going to film in the way I'm going to still create content while I'm doing something like that. And then I get there, and I completely check out. As you should, I know, I know. I just don't-- I don't touch my phone. The plan to start with. I know, right? I don't know how there's some people who just, like, constantly-- I haven't posted a TikTok in weeks. I feel like-- Really? I feel like when I go on vacation, like, I'm going to Italy in a month. And I'm, like, I guess everyone will see me in 28 days, because I can't even imagine being with all my friends in Italy and being, like, wait, guys, let's film this sound. This sounds like the end-- this is my personality. That is, so not your personality. I feel like you're actually embarrassed of your career. I'm bored of life. But how have you been? Because you've actually been in the literal trenches. Guys, there is so much they don't tell you about pregnancy. I'll just start with this morning. I woke up my nipples are chapped. Did you know that happens? Like, they're dry and flaky? Yeah. Yeah, did you know? No. I googled it. The thing with pregnancy is you Google something, and it's, like, everything is, like, totally normal. Like, oh, I'm growing a third arm. Totally normal, mama. Like, that's just a pregnancy symptom. No one told me this. I literally woke up, and I was like, what is going on? I thought this didn't happen until you breastfed. I did make my way to OB triage this week, which was rough. I'm having, like, the worst stomach pains in the entire world. But, you know, there's just a lot that I think moms keep secret, or, like, they forget after they have their baby. And they're like, you know what? I would do that again. Right. It's kind of, like, Stockholm syndrome. Like, you the baby comes, and you're, like, oh, my God. All I know is positive things. Totally. It's the most magical thing in the entire world. Let me tell you, I've been laying by the toilet, because I just can't move four feet from it for, like, two weeks. I'm finally out of it. I'm starting to eat normal food again, but I've been on the bone broth sourdough diet. And the other day was, like, I feel like you're not posting a lot about it. I feel safe here on this podcast with these listeners. But, like, how am I supposed to post, like, hey guys. I haven't pooped in a week now. Actually, guys, update. Can't stop pooping. I know. So be honest about that on my stories. I was like, you could loop people in. She's like, what to the most disgusting symptoms? I don't want them to know I'm having. No, I'm just mortified. Like, poor wood. He's just in this with me. He's the only person I can tell it all to. Oh, my God. It's a close one thing. And I remember when you first entered your second trimester, you literally had, like, zero symptoms for, like, I think a week or two weeks, maybe. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm so happy for her. She's in the clear. And then it actually hit with vengeance worse than your first trimester. No, truly. I feel like I got the worst of it out of the way, because, like, I was unable to leave my house for, like, a month, because I was just, like, terrified of what would happen if I left the confines of my own. You'd be on armchair expert again for an unauthorized evacuation episode. And I'm not going to say that didn't happen. And I can't deny that. Did you shit your pants? I-- oh, my God, I can't believe I'm-- [LAUGHS] You didn't even tell me this author was laying next to the toilet in my pajamas, because I just didn't want to go too far. [LAUGHS] No. And I don't have that moment. I was like, you can't tell what this, some things need to be kept secret. His eyes opened in the morning, and I was like, I shit my pants last night. [LAUGHS] Wait, but you were so close to the toilet. How does that happen? You fell asleep? I was like, it's asleep with my eye mask on. Yeah, just on the bathroom floor. Oh, my God. Guys, you guys are getting to know me real well, real quick. In order to have a baby, you have to become a baby. It's what I'm learning. Oh, yes, I've become a baby. I'm crying. I'm crying. OK, yeah. Yes. Yeah, I'm functioning at the level of a three-month-old. Pretty much. We're lucky I'm here today. Oh, my God. Something you guys should know about Aubrey, though. And I was actually on the phone with Natalie this morning, and we were talking about you. It, of course, started a very loving. Like, have you heard about Aubrey, a poor thing? She's really struggling. And then it got into me being like, well, when Aubrey was a kid, she was so clean. She was not a touch dirt. She didn't have anything not organic. So then her body didn't get used to it the way other kids did. And so whenever she does something normal, she has all these ailments and problems. Yes. I didn't have an almond mom. I had an almond dad. And I truly-- I didn't have candy until I was 12 years old. And I was like, oh, my God, this shit rocks. You guys one time, Aubrey was hanging out with her dad. And she said, oh, can we go to Taco Bell when they drove past it? And her dad turned around on me. Yeah. Like in a horror movie. And he was like, where did you learn what Taco Bell is? And she was like, Mrs. Garrett? Mrs. Garrett took me there. I want a cron-trap supreme. Well, you're done playing with that Victoria Girl next door. That's for fucking sure. I have literally been eating cron-trap supreme's my whole life. And you have worked with Taco Bell. And I have not. Can they listen to this and just write the script, please? That was my third brand deal. And I was like, you know, I could just end it all here. This was really fun, guys. I've already peed. No, that was your third brand deal. And I was like, I'm so happy for you. I'm so happy for you. I'm pissed. Oh my God. OK, well, we're here today to tell you guys some crazy stories that you don't know yet. We both have not talked about this on the internet anywhere. And actually, we decided we were going to do a podcast together. We were like, and that's when we'll tell them about the mushroom. And that has to be because like me shitting my pants in the bathroom, like, I can't post that just straight to the beat, you know? I need to save space for you to talk about. You have to commit to listening. And then you're going to get this information. But I guess how did this come about? What are we talking about? So to set the scene, we're not talking about doing mushrooms at a concert, which, you know, I love, I'll say it. Go on. No, hey, my brand has been incredibly PG my entire career. And I have a feeling that now working with you and doing this, it's quickly going to become PG 13. Ooh. Uh-oh. Anyways, we're not talking about recreational mushroom use. Aubrey and I both did intentional mushroom therapy. We can call it. I'm sure you guys have heard of medicinal mushrooms. You've maybe heard of psilocybin treatment. There has been incredible research about the benefits of it. John Hopkins researchers specifically have studied this. The clinical trials show that psilocybin paired with psychotherapy can provide large rapid and lasting relief for major depression, existential anxiety, addiction, all that jazz. And not only does the research show it, but how this kind of came to be for Aubrey and I in our lives was someone very, very close to me in my life did a mushroom journey facilitated by a professional to essentially heal trauma that they'd experienced and mental health issues they were dealing with. And it was really out there for me at first when I first heard this story. And all I can say is in my life, I witnessed someone do this. And they viewed it as, I think, their path to healing, things that they had been caring for so many years of their life. Like I've always been a fan of talk therapy, DBT, CBT, all that, I guess traditional stuff, if you call it. And so then when I heard someone didn't want to try that way and they were actually called in another direction, which was the mushroom therapy, and they did. their journey, which you guys, I guess to define a journey. Basically, you take mushrooms. Yeah, this isn't like, this isn't like microdosing out of concert. This is like you're taking two to three grams. I think it's two to five grams of mushrooms, which is like a crazy dose. I don't know, in my opinion, in my humble opinion, and you're blindfolded with a professional and you set up an altar of things that you want to call into your quote unquote journey. And then she has curated a playlist prior to that, you know, sends you into this journey fully in your mind. Like, she is not there to talk to you the whole time. Like, she's not talking you through things. It really like just sends you into the depths of your mind. And like, whatever is going to come up comes up. And then she's there to like calm you down, hold your hand, rub your back, you know, whatever you need her therefore, but it's not like talk therapy on mushrooms. And the room or the environment you do it in is like a really safe place for you. Aubrey did hers in her apartment. I did mine in the back of a van, you know, just just places where you feel most like yourself. I did mine on the van trip, which we'll get into. But yeah, that's essentially what it is. I know that sounds crazy. You literally lay down on your back. You take this huge house of mushrooms and you wear an eye mask. And then you're not asleep. You are awake going into a journey inside your own mind for multiple hours. So it's wild. And when this person in my life was telling you about their journey, they saw their childhood self. They had conversations with versions of them from the past. They saw their future, their future children. They saw, I mean, they had such a just beautiful experience where they got a lot of clarity. And I mean, I wholeheartedly believe in like the magic and the power of the mushrooms and the things it can do for your brain chemistry and like, rewiring it and helping you see things and unlock things. And so that was the first time I'd ever heard of it. I of course, you know, talk to Aubrey about it. And then I had another person in my life do it because of that person. And then Aubrey was the one who was like, I want to do it. Like, give me the name of the girl. And I was like, you're going to do it because it's actually very scary. Totally. But like, literally after just seeing these two people in your lives, like, I was like, I'll have what they're having. Like, you could see the difference in them. Like, it was so palpable. And I'm such a, let's just do it all at once. You know, Vic is like, let's just kind of chip at this every week, like, make it part of my life. I'm like, let's just, let's just honor that all. And I'll just, I'll just say one fell swoop. And totally, Aubrey has not been one to like consistently go to therapy. I feel like ever. I feel like you've maybe done some appointments, not even like, like, I think I went for like a semester in college because like, I was sad, like, you know, because I actually forced you. I actually did call the person. And I set it up for you. Oh my god. You did. I was like, wow, that's big of me. I can't believe I did that all by myself. Oh yeah, you, you got me there. It's crazy. You need to go. And then I, as you guys all know, I've been a huge advocate for therapy. I've been going for many years on and off. But consistently for the past three years. And I love it. And I couldn't recommend it enough. But not everyone resonates with talk therapy. Anyways, Aubrey says, I want to do it. And I'm thinking, oh my gosh, you know, like, that's so brave because you don't know what you're going to see. You don't know what's going to come up for you. You don't know what you're going to feel. Everyone I've talked to who's done a journey has a different experience. So I guess should we start with you? Obs because I guess chronologically you went first anyways. Or should we warm up with me? Let's warm up. Let's just go to the van. Let's just play in the same little while. Okay. Aubrey's was more intense than me. Just because. Yeah. Okay, fine. We can start with mine. So after Aubrey did it, I was like, okay, I want to do it. And I decided I was going to do mine on the van trip. Max and I did a road trip basically up the coast of California. And I was like, yeah, I'm ready. I didn't pay the professional to facilitate the experience because you're going to think what you want about this whole episode. But I feel like I've done a lot of therapy. I feel like I trust myself and I have the ability to like do the journaling beforehand. Get my mind clear. I watch so many YouTube videos. I talked to all these people in my life. Like, I don't know. I just felt confident like it was something I could do by myself. You do need a trip sitter for safety reasons. So shout out, Max. He was my first trip sitter. I made him watch a video, wrote him a list, you know, just so everything would feel really safe. But I wouldn't have done it if I didn't feel safe anyways. So I did it the last couple days of my trip. When we were parked on this beach in Malibu, it was just like really beautiful. I felt really peaceful there. I had originally planned to do it when we were in the Redwood Forest. And then I saw those big ass trees and I was like, I'm scared. There's no way I'm taking mushrooms here. Bad vibes. They're gonna come alive. Totally bad vibes. And I'm someone who feels like their mind will sabotage themselves. Like all take the mushroom and then my brain will be like tarantula, tarantula eating you. And I'd be like, why am I thinking this? You know what I've been realizing just in life too is like you're intuition in your mind. Like it all has your back. And when you just kind of put trust in it, I think beautiful things happen. So anyways, I wanted to do mine during the day while the sun was up so that it would just feel beautiful and peaceful. Anyways, I have my notebook here, my journal. Where I wrote things down. And I'm so glad that I did because it just kind of easy to forget and know exactly what you were feeling. But prior to the journey, I just did some intention setting with myself. So I wrote like journey day. Why am I doing this? I said because I'm ready for an unlock. I'm ready to see what I need to see. I want to heal even more deeply than is currently possible for my conscious mind. I crave a revelation that will make my soul feel seen and pop the bubble that's protecting or hiding it. Then I wrote why now. And I said I've marinated on this for months. I pondered it. I let it sit. I didn't jump to do it. I understand its power. And I said I'll do it when I'm ready. And I really feel ready. And then I kept writing, why do I feel ready? I just kept digging deeper to really feel like one with the experience. And then I wrote, what do you hope to get out of this experience? And that was kind of a trick question for myself because anyone who does this tells you you have to surrender. Surrender, surrender, surrender. You can't have expectations. You need to just go into this with an open heart and know that you might go in with the intention of healing one thing and then address something you didn't even know was like pulling at your heart. foreshadowing for Aubrey. So shit. Anyways. So then just to tell you guys about my actual journey. So Aubrey was like just take, I think you were like just take a milligram or something. But I think I had three grams. So I think you took, did you take two? I took two. Yeah, Aubrey was like take, just take one or one and a half. And I was like, screw it. I'm doing it. I really want to feel it. So I took the two grams. I laid in the back of the van. Why clean the van first. I let my candle. I have my eye mask. Max was right outside. I made sure that if I were to knock on the door, he could hear the knock, you know, and I told him no headphones. Like, you know, so I felt like he was protected and I was safe in the van. So I lay there. And it's like, I just ate all these mushrooms. And I'm sitting there and my eyes are closed. And I'm like, okay, here we go. Like I was ready. I'm like, when does it start? Like when does the show begin? Pull the curtain. Show me my life and my problems and the answers. And you know, it's just anxious in the beginning as you sit there. Like, oh my god, I took them. They're like ingesting in my system. And now I'm waiting. And I remember thinking like, am I supposed to see a color? Like, and then I remember thinking like, oh, purple, purple, fall the purple. And then like, nothing was happening. And I was just thinking so much. And I wanted so badly for this journey to start because I wanted so badly to have this revelation and get this answer that would fix my life and heal me, right? In the insides of me, that's what I was hoping. And I even remember thinking like, oh, my god, I can't wait to tell Aubrey about this. I wish Aubrey was with me. Like, I literally was thinking while I was beginning this, I just was thinking about Aubrey, which when we were just on the beach, your husband missing me. And I love that about us. Yeah, literally. I'm like, I wish Aubrey could be in my mind right now. Like, in the crowd watching me have the journey. So anyways, I'm waiting and waiting for this journey to start. And all of a sudden, I like can't really move my body. I'm like, if I were to try to pick up an arm right now, I don't think I could. It feels like a hundred pounds. Like, I don't think I can move. And I didn't like want to try to move because I knew it would maybe psych me out. But that's when I was like, okay, the mushrooms are working. They're in my body. They're striking over. But they haven't gotten to my head yet. And that felt kind of classic for me. Like, my body is surrendering, but the brain, the thinker, the perfectionist, the analyzer, like, that's still going going. And then all of a sudden, I see this lighthouse. And there's all these kind of rocks and stones in the lighthouse. So picture like a beautiful tall lighthouse. And then it was like a glass kind of top of the lighthouse. And there were all these rocks filling it. And I saw these like little, I think like little spirits, like, I don't know, just little glowing figures, almost like fairies or angels. Yeah. Yeah. I think angels, I think it was two of them. They were just like two little glowing, you know, I could tell like safe spirits or whatever. And they were removing the rocks. They were grabbing the rocks and taking them out. And in hindsight, of course, this means the journey has started. But But when I tell you, it sneaks up on you and you don't even realize that you are now watching Angel Creatures remove rocks from a lighthouse. You don't realize it until you're after the fact. So they're removing the rocks and they get all of them out. And then the light shines so brightly. And like the lighthouse is on and it's glowing, this beautiful lighthouse. And I remember thinking, oh my god, that's what I have to do. I need to remove all the rocks in my brain. And if I can remove all the rocks in my brain, then my journey will start and I will have this light. And like that, that was a message of what I need to do to then begin my journey, get my answers, have my revelation, solve my life. So I then am now like removing rocks from my brain. And I know that that sounds so weird, but it just made sense in the moment, and your eyes are closed. That makes sense. And I understand. Yes, you're, of course, removed rocks as one does, yes, totally. So then it's me and these two little light fairy angels is what I wrote in my notes. And they're helping me. I wrote in parentheses, my spirit guides question mark, you know, wasn't sure. And we were removing all these rocks except this big rock. And it was to the right of me. And I realized if I could remove this big rock, then I could start my journey and I could shine like the lighthouse too. But I could not lift this rock and neither could my little helpers. It was super big and heavy. It just felt like a movable. And I remember feeling like at first glance, it was like, you know, a rock, I felt like I could wrap my arms around and then quickly it was becoming this big, big like boulder. And all of a sudden it was like ginormous. And I knew that I was like dreaming or I knew that I was tripping. And so part of me was like, Oh, well, can I just imagine like a bulldozer? Can I imagine like something to come fix this or can I call in more helpers? But I like knew I couldn't. I knew that was like cheating or something and that that wouldn't work. But then all of a sudden I looked down and I did have this like pitch fork, like this classic like old fashion or yeah, yes, like pickaxe. I had that in my hand and I was like, well, this is all that I guess I'm allowed to have. This is all that I'm given. And I was like, and you know what, I can break this rock to pieces. We are going to remove this rock because if this rock stands between me and the healing and the revelation and the answers and the journey, then like, let's go. This rock don't know me. And so I start like hammering this rock and I'm like chipping away and chipping away. And I'm like, I don't even know how long in my journey I was doing this for that I'm chipping away at this rock. And it's like so big that I'm on it. Like I'm climbed up on it. I'm I'm hacking away. And then it was like all of a sudden, I remember stepping back and looking at it like, well, can I go under it? Can I go around it like and I'm missing something? And then I was like, nope, it's got to be me and this pickaxe chipping away. And then at some point I realized this is impossible. I will literally never be able to do this. I won't. I will die trying. And that's when it occurs to me. But if I don't, I might actually cry right now, what if I don't have to remove this rock? Like what if I can let this rock be here? What if I don't have to remove it in order to start my journey and to have this revelation? And I put my hammer down and I realized how absurd it was of me all that time I just spent staring at this rock, working on it, slamming at it, trying to destroy it to get it out so that all the rocks could be gone and I could shine, like perfectly like this lighthouse. And then I zoomed out and I turned around and I found myself on this beautiful beach. And it was just so peaceful and tropical and beautiful. And I just laughed. And here I was, so focused on this rock, this quote imperfection of what I thought I needed to have and that to me was like my message of like I don't have to remove this boulder to start to feel to know. And I think for me, it was like this almost like the mushrooms giving me this like funny metaphor of like girl, everyone's going to have problems. Everyone's going to have things that are unsolved that feel unhealed. You're never going to get rid of everything completely like you're in therapy. You're working on yourself. And here you are, in the back of a van, taking mushrooms with an eye mask on, actually on a beautiful beach with your husband outside with no work, you're on vacation days. And you're in this van trying to find something else like work for yourself literally. And I remember I realized like it was over like it wasn't going to show me more. It was like I snapped out of it and I had that. And so I like took off the mask and I remember looking around the van like am I still tripping. I was kind of scared to take off the mask because I've never done much rooms like this before. So I was scared of like what I would see and I'm looking at the wood in the van and it's like the wood is moving. I'm like, oh, it's happening. I look outside my window, never in my life has the ocean been more beautiful. Like it was, it was sparkling like so beautifully. It was such a beautiful day, like I saw an accident there and it was just like, it was so beautiful. And then I remember thinking, well, I think it was a three hour trip. So everything I just explained to you guys was three hours. And then I walked outside the van and I knew that I would still be in it for like at least two to three more hours because I just know from my friends and the amount I took, like it wouldn't wear off for a couple more hours. So I remember going outside and looking at Max and he's looking at me because he's like, you shouldn't be up yet. This is like a five hour trip. And I said to him, like, I'm still feeling it, but I want to be outside. And he was like, okay. And then I just like remember walking up and down the beach, playing with the sand, put my toes in the water. And then actually this is like another part of it as I grabbed this journal and I literally wrote, I'm sitting on the beach now. Why right now, right as in W R I T E? Why the rush, I'm in it. And I'm trying to be in the next moment to reflect already. And that was it. And then I put the journal away because it was like crazy, like it's just so my personality to be like, well, the journey happened. Now I've got to write about it. And it's like, no girl, you're fucking on mushrooms at the beach. Just like be present and just lay in the sand. And that's when Max made me the sandwich. And then I remember, oh my God, I started humming this song. I was looking at my fingers and my arm hair, my body, like everything was just like so alive and so beautiful. And I'd never seen it that way before. And then when I finally felt like I was, it was wearing off, I think it was like close to seven o'clock because I wrote it here like seven, fifteen I, I called Aubrey. And then I like told all about it, it's over, I can call her now. Literally, like you live rent free in my brain if we learn anything from this experience. Yeah, that was my journey and everyone's journey is different. And I think mine was such a metaphor for it's crazy because I would have personally never had that journey. Like it's so crazy the way it shows up for everyone. Yeah. I feel like that message is always gonna hit for me like always, just put the facts down. No, I know, I know I'm struggling right now with something and I'm trying so hard to like fix slash get rid of it. And I think this today is like the divine timing, perfect reminder of like that's just gonna be with me. And I need to accept that and like live in harmony with this boulder, you know, whenever my boulders come up. So that was my journey and I really loved my experience and I was grateful that I did it. Oh, see you ready? Dude, I, I feel like we can just leave it at that. That was great. Let's kind of just wrap it up. See you guys next time. Oh God. Okay. Buckle up. Well, Vic was playing in the sand just for a little, just for a little preface is mine. I was playing just like the hellscapes of my mind so we can kind of just start there. So I did like the professional one. I have not done a bunch of therapy for anyone who, you know, hasn't been following me specifically for a while. Most of my followers know that my dad passed away when I was 11 and I'm the oldest daughter and kind of stepped into that second parent role. Very young. Vic was with me through that whole thing, but like I think we can both the test to the fact that I kind of just like pushed through that as kids do. And we say I like zipped it away in a suitcase stuffed it under my bed and like, I don't know. It's been so many years that I'm like, no, I've totally addressed that. So with the professional, I had pre calls to discuss what my purpose in this journey is and I was like, I want to figure out what the purpose of my life is. Like, what am I doing here? What motivates me? What gets me up in the morning? It's like this hour long call talking about my career and like, you know, what, what I want to do with my life and then the very end. I was like, and also my dad died when I was little bit. I don't know if that'll come up. Anyways, we can kind of discuss that later. And she was like, oh, that feels important. I was like, no, not really. Long time ago, I feel like we can move right past that, just kind of focus on me becoming the highest version of myself. She's like, okay, so mean wood are both doing this together, but at separate times. So would we've elected him to go first because he has the almost mind in the entire world and you know I come back after his four-hour journey and he has shed one singular beautiful tear down his cheek. I was like how was it? He was like that was so beautiful and you know nothing to be worried about at all. He he saw his mom holding our future baby. Did he did you have a vision? Did you remember the gender? Oh no I don't think I haven't asked him that. That's actually a great call. This is so long ago. So this is before we were even thinking about kids but he shook hands with my dad you know he just like how a wonderful peaceful time. I was like great. Love to hear that. The facilitator was literally like he was the most peaceful journeyer I've ever met. He didn't move an inch like just out there the whole time which is so him to just be able to relax and Vic jump in if I'm missing anything. I was just gonna ask did Wood feel like he had a takeaway or a theme from his? He did and I literally can't remember what it was. I can ask him an update. Would comments on the inner childish pod post of this episode? Yeah would tell us what your journey tell us what your journey was about. I was so traumatized by mine. I didn't leave space for you sorry. The next day I go in he took three grams had this like totally easy going journey and the next day like I go in she was like I really think that like you should take three like to get the most out of this. I'm not someone who says no. So you know yeah hell yeah let's take three. I mean like see what goes on. She pulls a tarot card she pulls this earthmother card and it's like this is like who is gonna be with you through your journey. She's up here. She's the earthmother up here. She's she's all knowing all watching. I'm like okay great. I go in and unlike Victoria I would say about five minutes into taking these mushrooms which is so classic for me. I'm the biggest lightweight in the entire world. I'm tripping. Like I know immediately like whoa my legs feel funny like you know I'm seeing like the beautiful color red I feel like I'm floating. I'm like tossing my legs back and forth and like as I'm tossing my legs back and forth I'm like oh my god I'm a baby right now and I like can realize how ridiculous that sounds but I'm like so leaned into it I'm like oh my god I'm literally a baby this is so fun and I get hit with the biggest surge of love that I've ever felt in my life like it was like all of the love that I have in my life just poured into me in that moment and it was like filling me up for my toes to the top of my head and I like started like laughing because it was like such an overwhelming feeling and I was like oh my god this is what my journey is about like it's to feel all the love that is currently around me like my mom loves me would loves me Victoria loves me and I'm like so elated seeing red and pink and then just this dark blackness just washes over me and like rips it all away like from like inside my gut it felt like like someone just like took a shovel and like scooped it all away and I like immediately started crying and like in my head I'm saying like we where did it all just go like I had so much love and then I came to this realization that I was no longer a baby I was my middle school self and I was laying in my bed in middle school feeling so alone great now I'm about to cry feeling so alone because my dad had just passed and it was like the family that I knew and the life that I knew and like basically everything that I knew had just been taken away from me in this moment that was like just like in the snap of a finger okay hold on hold on it gets it gets fun here after this so I'm laying there sitting with this and I'm like wow and like in my head like the way I talk to myself I'm like wow well this sucks like I'm not being gentle like well this blows like maybe I can go and find my middle school self and talk to her like maybe you know like I need to go and have a conversation with her and tell her like everything's gonna be okay and at like as I'm looking I'm coming to the realization that like I am the middle schooler in that moment and like I need to sit as my middle school self with these feelings that I never allowed myself to feel or like could even feel because I think they were too big of feelings for a kid and so I'm sitting there and I'm laying there and I'm just hysterically crying and I'm like all right like that sucked felt the emotions like I'm probably an hour in now and I'm like all right like what's next like I'm ready to move on like got it like that sucked we all knew that part of my life sucked like let's let's move on to the next thing and I could not get out of it like the mushrooms just wanted me to sit in it until like I finally settled in and sat with it and then the rest of the journey was just like two hours of hellscapes in my mind like scary haunted house like what they tell you like in the dare program you take in fifth grade what it's like if you take drugs like it was literally like not the dare program no I was dripping sweat the ladies putting her cold hands on my back whatever just like literally like I could not relax I couldn't get comfortable she had me sit up so that I could like try and shake it out and she was like you're two in your head like you need to drop back down to your heart but I think like the level of feeling that I had it was like I literally experienced like my dad's death in like an hour time span like it was like I processed all the feelings I had in middle school and like such a quick that that like my body was like that's enough for today actually we're good so I literally was just like fighting hellscapes in my mind for another two hours and I'm finally starting to come out of it and I'm like seeing this like glass castle and I'm like oh my god I think I'm finally like about to find my purpose and like I'm still sobbing and I'm crying to myself like thinking I'm just a baby and I'm not saying anything out loud but the lady facilitating she comes over to me and sets this little stuffed animal that I had put on my altar down it was the stuffed animal that I got wood when Max had left for college when Max had left for pit and you know what did I name to Max and I jokingly told her that but she didn't know why I named it Max so she comes over and she puts this stuff the animal next to my face and she's like Max is here for you I'm like Max I don't have Max here I think Max out of here I'm in hell I'm dying like Max is so random like Max is with you Max I was like who the man oh my god not Victoria's husband Max so then that I'm like they're still crying but in my head I'm like I can't wait to get out of this and talk to someone about this this is so insane I couldn't wait to tell someone about the Max thing but I'm still crying and she also comes over and she's like hey Aubrey I think I gave you too much which is let me tell you the last thing you should tell someone on tell someone you gave them too much is insane and you guys actually I forgot those two things right there were why I was like hell no I'm not spending money to hire someone I can do this ship by myself I was like and this was the girl that the two other people in Victoria's life had used to because I was like I want to use someone I trust but she was like basically without us communicating the whole time she was like I don't actually think I gave you too much but like I feel the need to be your mother right now which is weird because the soundtrack in my head was like I'm just a baby I'm just a baby she pulled the earth mother card like it was like a big inner childish healing for me truly and the trips that are Aubrey's trips that are takes a little bit they take a little bit so that they're like in the realm with you they can't be like dead sober but they don't take enough that they couldn't like be your watcher if that makes sense yeah like she was on the same page as me so that's why she said I feel like your mother like she wasn't like dead sober saying that but she was in that she was in the trip with you to us it made sense and I still feel like she's my mother even though she you know over served me for like a better term but like it was just so much emotion and what I pulled from it at the end like I finally got out of the hellscapes I was like so fatigued like I can't even tell you for just like I don't know just it's so exhausting like sobbing for four hours straight and when I finally got to the end where I was like show me my purpose like that's what I came here for all that was coming up was just like your purpose is to love wood like and I know that sounds so corny like because it's my husband but that's all that came up it was like it felt like all the good that is gonna happen in my life is gonna stem from our partnership and like it has so far like I don't know and I don't even know if it was just because wood was on my mind but like it felt like I'm here to love and like it doesn't need to be this big complicated thing that I try and make it out to be of like figuring out my career path and like you know all the boring stuff that I think we all focus on too much and your love for wood is like creating life and like that's going to be this huge blessing in your life and I think to your point and what you said your journey was like we need to open the suitcase and you need to feel this pain because I think when you're in sixth grade You are so young, you don't have the adult awareness or the perspective to be like, "This is really hard. I'm struggling in these ways. I just lost it. You can't really process it." And then as you're in seventh grade, eighth grade, you're still a kid. So then, at some point, unless you want to do it, which note, it's so painful, who wants to seek it out, you have to think, "Oh, that was horrible." And I experienced that and let that out. And I do feel like your journey did pop this huge emotional bubble that was so ready to burst. I think when I was recounting it to you, I kept just being like, "I was so sad," which is not words that I use freely, really. And it was just like, "I have never sat in that sad ever." And so it was very healing. Crazy though, would not do it again. So that I tried that once, try everything once. But don't you feel lighter because of it now? Yes, I do. And I think there was something healing about it before I'm becoming a mom, and healing my literal inner childhood trauma that needed to be done before I had my own kids and kind of pass that trauma onto them unknowingly. And I feel even as just your best friend, I think before, if someone would have been like, "Do you think Aubrey's only processed losing her dad?" I would probably say no. And then now, I feel like I'd say, "Of course, you'll never fully process it, but I don't feel like you haven't touched it." That's doing great serious legitimate work on it. To like you said, put you in this place where it's not this scary thing you've hidden and don't want to think about totally. Yeah, we like happen to be at his grave, which I've never been to before. And I was like, "I feel so processed with this." Yeah. I'm so glad you felt that way when you were there. Aubrey's never been to the grave just so you guys know because her father also had ashes. So she's done other things. We're not like a grave family. You know, that feels very morbid for us. It's just, you know, again, let's just do mushrooms on packet and then feel him in the air when the wind blows, you know? This episode's gonna do one of two things. It's either scared everyone away and we will have zero listeners for the best of time. We started with me shitting my pants and ended with my childhood trauma. Like, how did we get here? And that's the show. That's why it's inner child-ish. It's the inner child and then the child-ish part. That's the shitting your pants. Or it's going to, I think, really intrigue people. And I think let them know like the type of gals we are. And, um, yeah. So we hope you guys enjoyed this episode. All right, as promised, this episode has our first star six seven segment. We're just gonna do one today because we did eat up a lot of time with our mushroom journeys. But really excited to hear what was sent in. Hi. Anyways, I have had this probably 15-year-long year of pooping in public. Like, I can't do it. I'm very scared and embarrassed, mortified, all of that does. So my last job, I was there for a year and a half. Would work like eight-hour shifts. Didn't poop there a single time. All the way through school, I can count on one hand the amount of times that I was like pooped at school ever. And I'm 19. Like, I should be pooping in other places besides my own house. And then I recently had this realization where like, oh my god, everybody poops. Who the f*ck hair hoops, everybody poops, and also like if somebody hears me shitting at work, okay, nobody's gonna think about this ever again. Like, I don't think about people in the bathroom like that are pooping. Like maybe for a second, but not really. So now I poop at work. Dude, I feel so seen. She had her own journey and the answer was everyone poops. She had her own journey. I'm so happy for I was such a shy pooper. I did it with a year-long distance and never pooped at his apartment once. I'd have to fake like, let's go, I need to go on a morning walk. I love a morning walk. Also, can we stop by this coffee shop? And here I am. Four years later, shading on the floor of our apartment. It is so true. Like, why do we care so much and feel so much shame when like everyone does poop? And I also just like, I love this call in. This is just, I mean, this is the tone. Also, I feel like it's important that your man or your partner doesn't shame you for your poops. Like, you know, my mom is like mortified that I tell what any of this. My mom for their 12, 15 year marriage. They had several bathrooms. And then if we were on vacation, she would go down to the lobby to use the restroom. I was like, mom, you lived your life like that. Be free girl. What happened? That generation. I feel like they'd even like keep the lights on when they're naked. You know what I mean? Like, it's, it was really different time. It's a really different time. Now, I'm like, would look at my chapnipal. Can you believe this? Yeah. Which no shame? Like, there were definitely times in my life where I wasn't feeling really confident in my body. And so, see, this is where you're making me not PG. I don't want to shame people if they do feel like they need the lights off because I get that, I get the feeling insecure. I just met more so like, I don't know, Max and I I feel like we'll be like literally disgusting together. And it's just like not even quote proper or lady like which in the olden times, that's what I meant. Like, they don't do that. There was I think, yes, some manners that have gone out the door with our generation, which I think is for the best. I love that there's no secrets in this house. But yeah, he was sometimes wishes there were. Okay. And then let's quickly do our something beautiful because we haven't stopped yapping and then we got to go. But Vic, what was your something beautiful? My something beautiful is actually I was unpacking my suitcase and Yaya gave me this tiny little charm and it's a guardian angel and it's super cute. I put it on my bedside table. So that's my something beautiful is having my little guardian angel charm from Yaya. That's sweet. I saw she also gave you a Bible. She did give me a Bible and she wrote inside of it, Victoria Lane Brown, Maximus Austin Brown and then she said and here is where you will write your future family's names. I'm like, okay, thanks Yaya. Wow, perfect. I love that she kind of like gave Max a full name even though Max is his full name. No, of course she calls him Maximus. That's her Greek spin on it. Okay. What was your something beautiful? My something beautiful. I think it was easy today. I'm taking care of my stepbrothers puppy too. So I have two golden retriever puppies in my house and waking up to them kind of wood just putting them on the bed to just trample me in the morning. How could we start a better day? Truly. I'm actually upset like that is rude that you have two puppies in your house right now and you're getting that joy and we're not. I know in the best part is like I'm pregnant. So I don't have to do any of the hard work. I just get to enjoy them and the wood does everything else. That's literally amazing. Oh, I'm so jealous you're with the puppies. Okay, thank you everyone for listening to this second episode of Anir's Childish. Let's keep it rocking and we'll see you next Tuesday. Bye. Thanks for listening to this episode of Anir's Childish. Don't forget to subscribe to this podcast wherever you listen so you never miss an episode. Oh, and follow us on Instagram at Anir's Childish Pod so you always get the behind the scenes. We're so, so grateful for you. See you next time.