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Speaker 3welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 98, and today's episode, We Still Need to Talk, is a reintroduction to a previous episode that I have done, We Need to Talk. And I chose it for two reasons. I think the first is, as I say, often, repetition is the mother of all learning. Sometimes we need to hear things again and again. And I also think, actually, probably one of the bigger reasons why I think, this episode is really important to kind of listen to again with a fresh head and a fresh perspective is that I've actually spoken to quite a lot of adults, probably over the last couple of weeks. And for whatever reasons, the discussions have ended up talking about childhood and our childhood memories and childhood experiences. And the key takeaway that I would say from the work that I do with families is that there is so much that comes with us into our adult lives. That is all about our childhood and the lack of communication that we had with our parents, the stories and the narratives that we created in our own mind, because either we felt that it was a bit odd or weird to think of those sorts of things in that way. And so we didn't open up, we didn't talk to our parents. We then created all sorts of stories that have had a profound impact on us as adults. And so I think that's a really important thing to think about. And I think that's a really, really important thing to think about. children questions to keep checking in on them, rather than feeling that we need to have these big conversations and have either ticked the box, we've had that big conversation about sex, drugs and rock and roll. And sort of like, rather than actually remembering that it's in those small moments of connection, those small moments where we're just checking in, where we notice that what our child says is incongruent to their body language, to their tone, to their day to day actions and persevering with that continuous dialogue, that continuous connection, that continuous, I'm here if you're not ready to talk yet, but know that I'm available for you is just so crucial. So if you've not listened to this episode before, then obviously you're listening to it with very fresh ears. If you've listened to this episode before, I would really urge you to just be in it and see what new things you can do. And I think that's a really, really important thing to think that you pick up. And just remember that those small moments, probably at the least perfect time for us, at the time that we're probably juggling a million and one things, are probably the most opportune and when our children need us the most. So I'm going to introduce this podcast again. So it's, you know, we still need to talk. Enjoy. Hello, and welcome to the how not to screw up your kids podcast. So pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 60. And today's episode, we need to talk is all about how we can have meaningful conversations with our children and teens. You know what I mean? Conversations which are two sided, you learn more than you teach, and you feel a connection. Whether that's talking about those big conversations on sex, boyfriends, how babies happen, confidence, worries, or more day to day conversations on kindness, compassion, empathy, friendships, being true to themselves, using their voice, taking on new challenges. In fact, I'd say this second set of conversations are probably more important, more impactful and more character building for our children, than those huge, huge, bigger conversations. So how do we start these conversations? Well, I have got eight tips for you today. But what I would say is, we do not start them with, we need to talk. Those four words just fill anybody who hears them with complete fear and dread that they're about to get told off, or that it's going to be a conversation about something they're going to feel super uncomfortable with. Just think about sort of conversations that you might have started that way with a partner, or a friend, or a family member, or a family member, or a family member, or a friend, or even your children. They're not a great set of four words. So how do we have these conversations? I'm going to talk you through my eight, some eight tips that I've got, but also some notes at the end that might be particularly important. So the first one is, we need to choose the right time and the right place. Sometimes we have the, what need to have these conversations, and we're not necessarily in the right place, as in, physical space. We're not in a private place. And so that we might kind of earmark a conversation with our children. But it's, if we want to have a two-sided, connected conversation, where your child is imparting information to you in a way where they feel that the environment is a trusted environment, that they can really connect with you, that's just not going to happen if you don't choose the right time, and also the right place. So we have to be mindful of when the right time might be. And listen out for my notes at the end, because there are some really important things. What we think might be the right time may not be the right time, and certainly not the right place for our children. So we need to become a little bit more connected, a little bit more aware around when is the right time for my child, or my teenager, rather than actually, this is a convenient gap in my day, and this is a convenient gap in my day, and this seems like to be the right time. And sometimes that's not even just necessarily the right time of day. It might actually be the right, it's about the right time in that particular conversation. So for example, having a conversation about sex or boyfriends, having that conversation immediately that you found out that they've got feelings for a particular person may well be a really good time, but it also might not be. It's about reading the situation to find out actually right now, is this the best opportunity to have this conversation with my child? Or am I better off holding off and having that conversation later? So let's be really mindful. And I can't tell you any hard fast rules specifically around that. In my notes afterwards, I will certainly tell you some not good times and not good places. But we just need to be mindful that if we really want to have this two way conversation, we need to choose the right time and the right place. And my second point is we need to be sensitive to the topic and our child or our teen's developmental age. Now for those of you who've been listening to the podcast religiously, you'll know I talk a lot about this difference between children's chronological age and their developmental age. For those of you who may be listening for the first time or need a bit of a recap, let me just explain. Because it's super, super important when we're looking at doing anything with our children or in terms of managing expectations or anything like that. Our children have a chronological age. That's the age that they were given by their birthday. The day the month, the year that they were born. But all children and teenagers develop at different rates and different paces across multiple areas of development. Their social skills, their intellectual skills, their communication, their language, their physical development, their gross motor, their fine motor, their emotional intelligence. There are a whole host of different areas that our children and our teens develop in. So when we're talking, when I talk about developmental age, this is much more making sure that the topic that I want to have a conversation with my child about is sensitive to where they're at developmentally. So I cannot say to you, you need to be having a conversation with your child about sex by eight years of age, because actually different children develop at different stages. You may have a child who is a chronological age of eight, but their developmental age around topics, for example, around sex, may well be that there are a nine or a 10 year old in terms of the level of maturity they have about grasping specific concepts and being able to understand how those relate. So when we want to have some of these conversations, and of course, it depends on what these meaningful conversations are going to be, whether it's around being true to themselves or, and kindness is going to be very different in terms of developmental age to let's say boyfriends. We can have conversations with our children around kindness and being true to themselves when they're really, their developmental age is really young, but necessarily conversations about boyfriends may be different. So we just need to be sensitive that the conversation that we're going to be having with our child, the topic needs to be appropriate for their developmental age. Now that doesn't mean that we do not talk about sex or boyfriends with children who are younger, five, six, three. We do, but we are mindful that that conversation is an appropriate to their developmental age. And then it's a, it's this notion. I talk a lot about drip feeding. We don't say we need to talk because that creates this fear and this dread about this monumentally huge conversation that might result in something really bad. Instead, we take opportunity. So it's about being sensitive to the topic and our child's developmental age. So it's choosing the right time and place. It's being sensitive to the topic and our children's developmental age. The third one is, and I know this is, this can be really tough. So I'm saying this with love. We need to really listen. And by this, I mean, we're listening, not to be able to offer some answers or a solution, but we should be listening in such a way that we could, not necessarily saying that you should necessarily, it depends on the conversation, your child and the child every now and again. What I think I'm hearing is that this matters to you. What I think I'm hearing is that this makes you feel whatever that is, that we are listening so well, this notion of active listening, listening to understand rather than listening to answer or to respond or to problem solve. It's really sitting there and trying to really connect with how it's, you know, what are our children actually saying to us? And when I've talked about listening before, I'm talking about not just listening with our ears, but listening with our eyes. When our children talk about things, does their body language match that? Are they saying one thing, but their body language suggests something else or their facial expressions? It's really listening at every single thing that we can hear and see so that we can truly understand. So we can say things like, I hear you saying this, but what I see in your face is something different. And having that conversation. So it's about trying to listen to understand rather than listening for a solution. That's my third tip. My fourth tip, and it goes back, this is slightly from the other way. So when I talk about really listening, we're listening to what our children say and we're looking at their body language. The fourth one is about communication isn't just what we say. It's our facial expressions, our tone of voice and our body language. So this is for us. This isn't about listening to what it looks like from our child's perspective, but communication. How do we communicate? Making sure that we're communicating in a way to our child, that they can see that we are actively trying to listen, not only with what we're saying, but with our facial expressions, that our tone of voice is one where we're interested, where we're trying to hear and understand, where we're trying to acknowledge where they're coming from, rather than a tone of voice that might sound like we're making a judgment or that we're lecturing to them. And that our body language is an open rather than a defensive body language. Now I get it. Some of us naturally do sit with our arms crossed, and this isn't about becoming paranoid about how you sit, but it is asking yourself, if my child, if I want to have this two-way conversation, if I want to have a meaningful conversation where my child feels and my teen feels, then I want to have a two-way conversation. And I want to have a meaningful conversation where my child feels that I'm here and I really want to listen and I really want to understand. How does my communication look to them, not only in what I'm saying, but am I using the right tone of voice? Do I sound sincere? Am I having a facial expression that doesn't look like, oh my goodness me, I'm so shocked that my child has just told me that they feel that way? And is my body language one that is congruent to what I'm saying? It's one that fits in with me saying, I want to hear, I want to understand, explain. Or am I looking like a slightly judgy parent? So this is something that we just need to practice. It's quite often when we, my view very much around when we communicate to our children is, I've talked about this before, is I don't think it's helpful to have a dynamic that is, I am the parent, I am the authority figure, I am all powerful, all seeing, all doing, and you are this sort of subservient child. And it's this, you do what I say. I think those conversations that we have with our children need to be much more, almost if a slightly sort of adult to adult. Now, it doesn't mean that we're expecting to have adult conversations with our children, but it needs to be one where there's a respectful dynamic of being able to communicate at a level where we don't get into a power play. And that doesn't mean that we lose authority, we lose the ability to make very clear and definitive statements to our children. But if we want to have meaningful conversations, we have to shift that dynamic to say, actually, I'm here and I want to listen and everything I'm doing and saying, not only with what comes out of my mouth, but also in terms of my physical stance is one that encourages a dialogue. So let's look at the first four before we go back, before we go on to the next four. Pick those moments, make sure that you're in the right place. Be sensitive to the topic and your child's developmental age rather than their physical age. Really, really listen, not to be able to offer answers and solutions, but to truly understand. And communication isn't just what we say, it's all of the other bits in terms of our facial expressions, our tone of voice and our body language. Number five, leave judgment at the door. Your job is to meet your child or your teen where they're
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Speaker 2That's joinmidi.com. Impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. That's what growing feels like. And that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Sessions average $21 with insurance and some pay as little as $0 depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments. You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality licensed therapists across the U.S. offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average.
Speaker 3Their world is very different. It's hugely different to the one you grew up in. So don't judge what you have not yet yourself experienced. And I say this with love because there are so many things that in the work that I've done with families that parents hear that causes them great angst great worry great shock possibly disappointment possibly embarrassment possible shame because they don't always take a step back and try and see okay I'm trying to see this in the context of the child of my child and the world that they're currently living and operating in rather than the world that I lived and operated within and it has changed monumentally and the older your children the further removed you are from the world in which they in which you grew up in they're growing up in so it's we need to make sure that we leave that judgment at the door because if we don't and we often do that with our facial expressions or our tone of voice then what we do is we close the door and if we close that door enough times our children no longer come to us they won't open up in the same way and they won't come to us in the same way and they won't come to us in the same way and they won't come to us in the same way and they won't come to us in the same way because they fear that we're going to be judged we should be the most accepting now that does not mean if your child reveals maybe they've been smoking maybe they're taking drugs maybe they've had sex any of these sort of conversations or maybe they bullied a child maybe they behaved in a way that's atrocious maybe they've stolen something whatever it is if we want to keep those communication lines open we don't want to judge our child on that basis so we need to make sure we answer them and we respond to them and we create a space where there is compassion we can be honest with our children we can say that we're disappointed that they've made that choice i could tell you they're probably even more disappointed in themselves and what they need from us is that really is that listening ear that compassionate acknowledgement of what they've been through so let's really try and leave judgment at the door and sometimes in some families that can be tricky can be when you're co-parenting is that maybe one of you finds that quite easy and the other one doesn't necessarily find that one easy and that's a separate conversation that you need to have it's about parenting together and making sure that you kind of create you create that space because the last thing that you want is your child playing you off against each other or feeling that one parent understands and the other doesn't so it's really making sure that we leave our judgment at the door and if we're shocked and horrified by something that our child has said it goes against the values that we've raised them in then we need to take a separate moment to deal with how that's showing up for us so that we can show up the right way for our children but it's also making sure that if the dynamics of growing up in a world where there is technology where there's information overload where there is social media we need to be able to understand what it's like for them and how these things are important for them again it's not about changing the values in which we want to relate to it's about changing the values in which we want to raise our children in but it is being able to understand truly understand that our children are growing up in a world that is very very different to ourselves so leave that judgment at the door when you're having those conversations number six show empathy not sympathy i'm sure you all know the difference but let's just kind of recap here slightly sympathy in essence when we talk about emotional intelligence sympathy is being able to say oh that's so awful that that happened to you so we can sympathize with someone but of course it's horrible empathy is a whole level up because instead of just saying that must be really awful for you empathy is when we really place ourself in that situation and we can almost feel what it must feel like for that individual we feel their pain it's as if we step into their shoes and their experience so when we are having when we want to have meaningful conversations when we truly show empathy by stepping into their shoes going back to leaving the judgment at the door being able to see things with their eyes really listening so we can understand how that matters that particular thing matters to your child whether that's a friendship issue they haven't been included in something and they felt left out they weren't invited to a party now as a parent we often say well don't worry it's just one party you'll be invited to lots of others that sympathy must be really bad but there'll be other opportunities empathy is really stepping in and saying well don't worry it's just one party you'll that they feel they've been the only one excluded that that makes a statement about their friendships that they're not valued that they're not loved that they're not part of a group that they've been removed and pushed out that there'll be lots of conversations happening at school the following day and that they will feel as if they're being alienated from that that is empathy so we really want to try and step into that empathy as best we can and we can do that so much more easily we want to try and step into that empathy as best we can and we can do that so much more easily eight steps i don't always do these eight steps but if we can do them more often than we don't then we create an environment where our children can come and talk to us and when we mess up when we do become judgmental if we're quick to apologize if we're quick to recognize that we've made a judgment on something that's important to our child based on our roadmap on our framework and we go and we apologize for that then we bring it back in so number six is show empathy not sympathy number seven is look out for opportunities to talk and take them so don't leave it until necessarily that your child is coming to you but you actively look for opportunities and sometimes those opportunities will be very fleeting take them even if it's only a small period of time but you're in the right time it is the right place it's a topic that's that opportunity you never know when the next chance might come to connect and it's those small opportunities of connection that make a huge difference because it's it's almost like a you know we get a sort of critical mass and a critical tipping point that if we do this regularly our children then come to us more and more often it's just about having those opportunities to connect about those more day-to-day conversations that i talked about earlier about kindness compassion empathy friendships being true to themselves using their voice putting themselves in situations that make them feel slightly out of their comfort zone so it's actively looking for opportunities so that we can instigate those conversations rather than sort of almost waiting for our children to start those conversations with us take those opportunities to connect because then when the big conversations come along our children are much more likely to instigate that with us or we're able to ease into those conversations much much more easily and the eighth and the last one is practice regularly do this regularly practice these different tools and you'll find that it will get easier and easier it will feel more comfortable you know the first few times well not even the first few times actually i'm lying the first tens maybe even hundred times you do it you're going to be constantly thinking oh my goodness me am i listening have i paraphrased do i really understand have i shown empathy whatever that might be of course it's going to be it's not an easy thing to do but the more we practice the better we do it the more we get at it which is why it's so important to look for those opportunities and it may well be that when you look at these you make a decision and i'm a big fan of this taking doing one thing at a time you may look at these and say do you know what actually one of the things i'm really not great at is really listening because i'm always trying to give an answer i can recognize that in myself i'm going to really really work on that then work on that and once you've got that nailed or you're feeling much more confident in that take another it's not about and i hope you've sort of realized that having listened to the podcast often enough it's not about trying to do too much in one go i'm a big big fan of focusing in on one thing the one thing that you think if you implemented that that would have the biggest impact on everything else practice that work on that perfect that and then move on to another one because what's key to parenting and harmony at home and conversations with our children and raising resilient confident kids that don't feel too anxious all of the time is consistency when we take on too much we go in guns blazing with a new technique that we've listened to on the podcast or we've read in a book and we think oh my goodness me this is the panacea this is gonna fix everything and we go in and because we've taken on too much we can't be consistent so we go from one extreme to the next and our children often switch off because it's like what this is the latest thing that my parents are doing and they know that it's going to come and go it's like a fad so it is about being consistent look for one thing that you can do one thing out of these eight so the first one is about making sure you choose the right time and the right place it's being sensitive to the topic and your child's developmental age it's really listening not to be able to offer answers or a solution but being able to paraphrase back being able to say i think am i right in thinking that this is how you're feeling am i right in thinking that this is what matters to you communication isn't just what we say it's all of the other parts it's our facial expressions our tone of voice our body language make sure our communication back to our children and our teens is congruent it's consistent what's coming out of our mouth is consistent with what's going on what our children see in that non-verbal because that massively impacts their ability to want to talk to us we must leave judgment at the door our job is that we need to meet our children where they're at because they're growing up in a different environment than we did show empathy not sympathy look out for opportunities to talk and take them and practice regularly now before we finish these are some really important notes around these conversations the first one is children rarely want to have meaningful conversations at a convenient time yeah it's usually when you've got multiple arms busy with either a young child or you've got a bit of work that you need to do you need to get ready to drop everything sometimes to make sure you don't lose the opportunity not all of the time but sometimes you need to do that but children will rarely want to have these conversations at a convenient time and you'll know with your own children some children always want to have these conversations just before they go to bed some want to have them when you're in the middle of something there's a reason why they're having those conversations with you then get ready to drop things and be ready and available because when they're ready to talk they're ready to talk it's not when we're ready to talk that's the first things the more our children feel we get them and accept them unconditionally the more they will talk to us so we need to make sure that we acknowledge our children and our teens feelings even if we don't understand or we don't agree with them specifically ourselves we need to acknowledge that the third one is that children rarely want to have a meaningful conversation after school pick up so stop asking them questions they feel like they're being interrogated now sorry I'm I'm sniggering because I see this so many times and I've been so guilty of it myself how was your day who did you play with what did you have for lunch what did you do yeah it to our children it's an interrogation to us it's like I'm just interested in your day I haven't seen you I want to find out how what's been going on they don't want to now some children will literally come out of school and we'll give you a blow-by-blow account fabulous if that's your child then great take the opportunity there but most children that I have either encountered through my work or certainly my own children the last thing they want is to have a meaningful conversation in fact quite often they don't even want to have a conversation and actually if you were like my children it was always what snack have you got for me in the car they want to eat they wanted some down time they just need to be so they are rarely going to have that conversation it goes back to this idea the first point is that children rarely want to have meaningful conversations at a convenient time for us they want to have it when they're ready so don't keep asking them those questions because they're much more likely to shut off and the last note that I would say is avoid big talks which start with we need to talk and instead maximize opportunities as they present themselves yep so use chances that you get rather than this great big oh I think we need to talk or if you're feeling that you need to start the conversation rather than waiting for your child to instigate it then you might use one of my favorite phrases which is I've noticed that yeah I've noticed that you're showing a real interest in boys at the moment and I thought it might be a great time to have a conversation about boyfriends I've noticed that you get really upset every morning before we go to school yeah it's just starting that I noticed that is a non-confrontational conversation starter that we can use to introduce any specific topic so take those notes into account so my give this week is going to be a double give really because I think it's really important that we have the eight points but I also think it's really important that you have these specific notes to remember because there's two bits so my give will be both of those there'll be two sheets of notes and I'll give you two sheets of notes and I'll give you two sheets of notes the eight checklist and also the specific notes that we need to take into account and then that way it can serve as a reminder but also you can work out actually which of these eight skills and strategies do I need to work on specifically for me where's my greatest opportunity if I work on that and what will that give me so that you can begin to kind of use that but also bearing in mind these notes so as usual if you head over to my free resource library maryhand.com forward slash library you'll find the link to download this resource all you need to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access not only to this week's resource but all the other resources across all my other podcast episodes as ever I'm going to make a plea for you to review and rate this podcast I've had some just really heartwarming mind-blowing reviews from you and I'm so so grateful and this is how other parents can help you and I'm so grateful and this is how other parents can help you and I'm so so grateful and this is how other parents can help you and I'm so so grateful and this is how other parents can help you and I'm so so grateful and this is how other parents find the podcast as they find them through reviews because then apple and spotify then notify parents who are listening to other podcasts that my podcast might be useful to them so if you if you have enjoyed this episode I would love it if you could follow and review the podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love so until next time at harmony bank we believe that better
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