We say "So long!" to Kristi Noem and Benetti plays ball

[MUSIC] >> From NPR and WDBEC Chicago, this is, wait, wait, don't tell me, the NPR news quiz. I'm the boy so powerful, I command the clocks to spring forward. [APPLAUSE] >> I'm Bill Curtis and here is your host at the Studebaker Theatre of the Fine Arts Building in Chicago at Illinois, Peter Segal. >> Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that after this last week, I am ready for some baseball. And that is why I'm very excited to tell you that later on, we're going to be talking to the new voice of Sunday Night Baseball on NBC. Jason Bonetti, now. [APPLAUSE] >> Jason has a lot in common with Pope Leo. This is true, both grew up in Chicago as White Sox fans. And Jason also speaks with the authority of God. [LAUGHTER] >> But first, it will be your turn to take the field, give us a call, play our games at one AAA, wait, wait, that's one, 888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener, contestant, how you around, wait, wait, don't tell me. >> Hi, this is Laura Braun and I'm from Cyprus, Texas. >> Hey, Laura, so what do you do there in Cyprus, Texas? >> I'm a high school English teacher. >> Are you really? [APPLAUSE] >> I, of course, as you can imagine, was very fond of my high school English teachers. You have to be careful because if you encourage them, they may go into great things. If you encourage them too much, they might go into public radio. [LAUGHTER] >> And the public radio listeners. >> That's true, well, thank you for, yes, thank you for making listeners for us. We very much appreciate it. Well, Laura, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, he's the host of the Daily Podcast, T-B-T-L, and the public radio variety show LiveWire, which will be live at Hopscotch in Portland on Wednesday, March 11th. It's Luke Burbank. Hey, Laura. [APPLAUSE] Next up, it is a proud and freaked out, Iranian, who's worrying about her family back home. It's Nagine Farsaw. >> Hello. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Hi. >> Hi. >> It's so great to meet you. I am freaked out about my family in Iran, and I hope for the best outcomes for everybody. And I'm just, you know, turns out not to be controversial here, but I hate war. >> Whoa, man. >> Yeah. >> Gotta be careful of taking those political stances. [APPLAUSE] And finally, a comedian who'll be headlining the Alaska Before You Die Festival in Anchorage, Alaska on Friday, April 3rd. It's Harry Kunderbolo. >> Hey, Laura. >> Hi. >> Welcome to the show, Laura. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Curtis is going to start us off with three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain, just two of them, you will win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose for your voice mail. You ready to go? >> Ready. >> All right, your first quote is from a Department of Homeland Security employee who was talking on the down low to the Daily Mail Thursday about a big shake-up this week. >> Crowds are celebrating lots of phone calls, texts, people stopping by to celebrate. >> So people at DHS were apparently rejoicing that who is no longer their boss? >> Christy No. >> Christy No. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Oh, a lot of friends in the room. What a warm send-off. She'll be grateful. I mean, they're not replacing her with Obama, just as a heads-up. >> Yeah, I know. >> It's like not getting better. >> On Thursday, the president fired DHS Secretary Christy No, and a heartfelt run-on sentence. It's so unfair, though. I mean, she was fired with no warning when it happened. She was actually delivering a speech somewhere. I mean, I bet if her face could make expressions, it would have looked really sad. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Trump has announced that he is going to give her a new job. She will be, quote, the special envoy for the shield of the Americas, unquote. >> [LAUGH] >> You may not know what that is. You may know, no, no, no. Oh, you guys are like booing because you don't think she's fit to be the envoy to the shield of the Americas? Is that your problem? You're like, oh, wow, no. That job needs somebody qualified, I don't think. Anyway, if you don't know what that job is, it is the position you get if you did a really bad job running Homeland Security, but you still know too much about the Epstein files. >> [APPLAUSE] >> I feel like this is going to be happening to a lot of these cabinet members over the next weeks and months. I'd be like, Marco Rubio, the new ambassador to Genovia, the French from Princess Diaries. >> [LAUGH] >> I also wonder how she's going to look back at her time at DHS because it honestly for her was sort of just like a spring break. You know what I mean? She like hooked up with a new guy, you know what I mean? She was like on camera a lot, like posing, you know, doing so everything. She probably did a lot of body shots off her, you know, ice agents. >> I'm from Portland and of course, she showed up at the ice facility in Portland and staged this like hilarious event, which is she stood on the roof like surveying, like Antifa Hellscape, which had at that moment of the day like four people, including a guy and a chicken suit. >> We remember who was just looking at her kind of like perplexed. That guy still has his job. >> Yeah, that's true. >> He's in the chicken suit outside of the ice facility right now and she does it. >> Yeah, the chicken guy won. >> No, I'm zero. >> All right, Laura, your next quote is from somebody revealing some exciting news. >> I'm getting a double jaw surgery in a couple weeks. >> That was Braden Peters, known to the online world as "Clavicular." He is one of the leaders of my movement called "Looks Maxing." If you look, Max, you prioritize what over everything else? >> Your physical appearance? >> Your physical appearance, yes. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Quote, "Looks Maxing" is a growing trend among young men obsessed with improving the appearance of every part of their body, including, quote, "Soft Maxing," that's "Dieter Exercise," quote, "Hard Maxing," that's "Getting Surgery." And all of this phenomenon is also known as, quote, "A mental health crisis." [LAUGHTER] >> Can I just take a step back for a second and just say, like, "Welcome to all of these gentlemen who are joining the world of impossible beauty standards that women have been inhabiting for centuries." [APPLAUSE] >> Welcome to "Rampant in Security," and now do earn less for doing the same work. Let's do that one. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Can I also just say that I thought we were going to achieve equality by women doing better? >> Yes. >> But this way, if men do worse, I guess that's also a way we can do equality. >> Yeah, all the men took, like, is it a challenge? We can be that shallow. >> [LAUGHTER] >> I've been thinking about it. It's really racist white boy nonsense when you think about it. Because all their, like, images of what handsome is, is white with certain, like, European features. >> Right. >> Like, that's what they're basing everything. >> Yeah, European features, like, sharp cheekbones, fancy tattoos. >> [LAUGHTER] >> But it's also, like, it completely forgets the idea that, like, white people age terribly. We all know this. I mean, good black don't crack. Good brown don't frown. Good white, that doesn't exist. >> Yeah. [LAUGHTER] >> See, Harry, see, this is where I think you maybe your vision on this is a little short-sighted. There's no way clavicular is living past 30. >> That's absolutely true. [LAUGHTER] >> Yeah, so because you got to understand something, this has nothing to do with health, zero. It's just appearance, so they're obsessed with plastic surgery and supplements, supplements like, and this is true, crystal meth. Because when I think crystal meth, I just picture a beautiful face with normal, still-present teeth. [LAUGHTER] All right, Laura, your last quote is a declaration from Pope Leo the 14th, just this week. >> The brain needs to be used. The Pope was commending all the Catholic priests around the world to stop using what to write their weekly sermons. [LAUGHTER] >> As an English teacher, I'm so on his side at Chat G-P-T. >> Yes, Chat G-P-T, AI, Chatbots. [APPLAUSE] Apparently priests were using AI to write their sermons for them. Why would they need to do that? Writing sermons is their one job, right? Their weekly schedule is just write the sermon and have dinner with a widow. [LAUGHTER] I mean, I feel like if I was the priest, I would make the argument that, you know, God created us, so we created the AI, and who are we to not, you know, enjoy its bounty. >> Exactly. >> And free up more time for dinners with grieving widows. >> Exactly. And whatever- >> That was unpersuasive to the Pope, I guess. >> No, apparently not. He didn't buy it. Well, the problem is, if you think about it from the Pope's perspective, it's a violation of trust, right? Because what if priests start using AI for everything they're supposed to do? You're like, you go into the booth, you're like, "Father, before I tell you my confession, could you tell me which of these pictures contains a motorcycle?" [LAUGHTER] >> Can I just say- Those are getting harder. Yeah, they really are. - My eyes are hard. - And like, my failure rate on capsules is shockingly high these days. I mean, did they run out of the EC1 style? It's like, is this one micrometer of the crosswalk count as part of the street? - It's really true. Translate this from the ancient Greek, you know? - Yeah. - Bill, how did Laura do in our quiz? - Laura did not hesitate to give us all three correct answers. (audience cheering) - Well done, Laura. - Congratulations, take care. - Thank you, come on. - Take care, bye-bye. - Bye-bye. (upbeat music) - Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Luke, Washington State residents were shocked this week. To find out that when they called a state office and pressed two for Spanish, they heard what? English delivered with a quote-unquote Spanish accent. That is exactly right. (audience laughing) It turns out that for the last few months, if you call the Washington State Department of Licensing, got the voicemail, pressed two to hear your options in Spanish, this is what you would hear. - Thank you for calling the department of licensing tax on my support center. For assistance, which gave you a right or licensing office appointment, please press one. If you press five, she tells Lucy, no, she can't be in the show. (audience laughing) And this is also true of the only Spanish words that this bot says are numbers. (audience laughing) So finally, a job for someone who got their Spanish degree from Sesame Street. (audience laughing) (upbeat music) - Coming up, our panelists, just take a break. All one should be late, wait, wait, wait to play. We'll be back in a minute with more, wait, wait, don't tell me for Mac, P.R. (upbeat music) - For Mac, P.R. and W.B.E.C. Chicago, this is, wait, wait, don't tell me the M.P.R. dues quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Harry Condavolu, the Gean Farsada Luke Burbank. And here we get as your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Segal. - Thank you, Bill. (audience cheering) Right now, it's time for the wait, wait, wait, don't tell me bluff the listener game, call 1-triple, wait, wait, wait to play our game on the air. How you were on, wait, wait, don't tell me. - Hello, this is Heather. I'm calling from Brookson, Indiana. - Brookson, Indiana, we were just in Indiana. I didn't see you. I did see me. I actually got to ask you a question in the Q&A session and-- (audience laughing) - That's hilarious. - I'm a little embarrassed. That could not have gone worse. - I'm sorry. (audience laughing) - Well, there were 3200 people in there. - I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'm voice blind. - Heather, welcome back to the show. You're gonna play our game on which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what's Heather's topic? - I call a timeout. - Now you better have a good reason, if you call a timeout in the middle of a game. And sorry, stopping to check on all the bets you placed on yourself is not a good enough excuse. This week we read about a surprising, mid-game timeout at a competition. Our panelists are gonna tell you about a pick the one who's telling the truth and you'll win our prize. The wait waiter of your choice in your voice mail. Are you ready to play? - Yes, I'm ready. - All right. First, let's hear from Hari Kandabolu. - A hockey game in Muddy River, Minnesota was stopped during the second period after a Zamboni lost control, leaving players and fans running for their lives. The runaway machine was a new driverless model and was purchased when former driver Steve Berman was fired after driving the Zamboni drunk, which apparently is a crime in Minnesota. He got a ZUI. (laughing) Town officials say the mistake may have come from the Zamboni software developer David Starr, a man they hired who was good at software but had never seen a hockey game in his life. According to Starr, I just assumed the Zamboni was kind of part of the game, like it was in the action and the guys played against it. The town has decided to hire a human Zamboni driver who will not drink beer while operating the machine. So far, the search has proved futile. (laughing) An out of control self-driving Zamboni disrupts a hockey game in Minnesota. Your next sports stoppage time comes from a Luke Burbank. Soccer is a hard enough sport considering they don't let you use your hands. But things got even more challenging recently at a playoff match in Turkey when goalkeeper, Muhammad Uyanek, sent a ball soaring into the air only to watch it absolutely obliterate a seagull who happened to be flying by. The bird fell out of the sky and onto the turf and wasn't moving, which is when Uyanek's teammate, team captain, Ghani Katan, came to the rescue. Stopping the game, which is something they don't even do when a person gets hurt, he ran onto the field and knelt by the bird's side. Then in a move that could only be described as Dr. Doodle meets the pit. Katan started aggressively doing CPR on the lifeless bird. And not for like three seconds, but for a long time. Was it a good idea? Unclear. But did it work? Apparently, the bird is reportedly doing well, recuperating from an injured wing and congrats to ever bet $1,000 on draft kings that someone would almost kill a bird during the match. They were, of course, the big winner. (audience applauding) A soccer game in Turkey stopped. When a bird injured by a flying ball is revived by a caring team captain, your last time out tale comes from Nagin Farsad. - The basketball league of Manhattan's West Village had its annual playoffs at the West 4th Street Courts on Saturday. A team of investment bankers, who called themselves the eyeballs, were playing against a team of bodega owners, the Bodunkadunks. (audience laughing) Normally, these games are uneventful, just a bunch of middle-aged men acting like they aren't afraid of injury, but nevertheless moving very slowly. But tonight, there was a man in the bleachers rumored to be an NBA scout. So these basketballers of a certain age went hard. In the first 10 minutes, it was an exhilarating game. Onlookers were wowed by their speed and alacrity, but on minute 11, Gerald Millabend of JP Morgan Chase gripped his torn ACL and took the bench. By minute 15, Jimmy Torres screamed at a torn meniscus and took the bench. By the end of the first quarter of the 10 players, six of them had serious injuries, including torn ACL, MCL, ruptured Achilles and hamstrings. In a show of interteams, spirit, however, they did share an ambulance to the hospital. Oh, and turns out that NBA scout was just a guy wearing a suit. (audience laughing) All right. (audience applauding) So here are your choices. A game stopped somewhere for what reason? Was it from Hari Khandabolu? A Zamboni self-driving itself goes berserk and destroys a hockey rink in Minnesota. From Luke Burbank, a soccer game in Turkey is interrupted. When a bird is injured and then must be saved, or from Nagin Farsada, basketball, game in New York City, ends when the corporate types trying to impress somebody all managed to destroy their lower bodies. Which of these was the real story of a game that stopped prematurely we found in the news? I can never guess these right. So maybe the Seagull story is the right one? Maybe, maybe. All right. You're gonna choose Luke's story of the Seagull. Well, we spoke to someone with some expertise on the real story. Maybe he did save the bird's life. Maybe the bird stopped breathing and that's what brought it back. That was Dr. Seperstein. That was Dr. Seperstein, an exotic pet veterinarian in the Bay Area on the Seagull that was resuscitated in the middle of a game in Turkey. So congratulations, you got it right, Heather. Oh, thank you. We're in the point for Luke and we've won our prize. The voice of your choice and your voice mail. Wonderful. Thank you so much for playing, Heather. And I guess at this rate we'll see you next week. Absolutely. Take care. Bye. And now the game where we ask experts about something about which they have no expertise. It's called not my job. Jason Bonetti grew up in Chicago. And in the third grade, Rodin Essay, which he said he wanted to be the broadcaster for the Chicago White Sox. And he actually got that job in 2016. He must also have dreamed back then about being the National Voice of Baseball for NBC Sports because he got that job this week. Jason Bonetti. [APPLAUSE] Welcome to "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me." Essay is a bit of a stretch. Essay is a bit of a stretch. So we obviously, this is part of your legend, which I think people here in Chicago know. Maybe now they'll know it across the nation. But it is true that you were in the third grade White Sox fan, right? Yeah, that's right. You said, "I want to be Hawke Harrelson, the broadcaster for the White Sucks." - I actually did. What people don't know is I wrote 50 of those. - Really? - One was, I'd like to be a district attorney. One was, I'd like to flip burgers, and we just unearthed whichever one I got the job for. - You're really, you were, you're, you gotta be ready for anything at baseball game. - Exactly. - You started broadcasting if I'm not mistaken. You were high school band competitions, marching band competitions. - That's right. If you're listening on the radio, you can't see my stature. But I think like, wispy and frail covers it. - Yeah. (laughing) - And I, you know, as somebody with a mild case of cerebral palsy, the marching with the tuba that I selected as my instrument was a horrendous idea. Right. So the first band director in middle school made me the drum major. - Right. - So my job was to keep time with my gate. - Right. - Which was a terrible idea. - Right. So then in high school, they moved that to, we're gonna put the tuba on the field and you'll march in place while everybody else goes in planetary orbit around you. That didn't go great either. So the band director said, why don't you go upstairs and announce the band's set. So coming up next, wheels of a dream from rag time or whatever it was. And it was the first time I was behind a microphone. So thanks to Bill Jastro of Homewood Floss More High School for all this. - There you are. (audience cheering) And you eventually got the job of the White Sox. You broadcast them for many years and you left right before they recorded the worst record in the modern era for a baseball team. You went to the Detroit Tigers and they, whoa, whoa. And they made an amazing-- - They're saying Luke. - Yes. - And they made an amazing unexpected run right to the playoffs that year. It was you, wasn't it? (audience laughing) I think just yes. (audience laughing) Yes, they clenched against the White Sox, which is a funny, full circle sort of thing. - Really, yeah. I know you had to, you spent years on the road, minor league baseball, high school basketball. Do you remember the most obscure sport or game you ever had to broadcast? - So a couple of years ago, I got a phone call from somebody here in Chicago and they said, "Hey, we're looking for somebody to do play-by-play "and post-production from a studio "of the national electrician's championships." (audience laughing) - I'm sorry, what? - Correct. - So it had all. (audience laughing) - You were gonna call the neckies? (audience laughing) - You know, Vince Skulley used to call the neckies without a partner, it was amazing. - It's time for Freed Wires. Vin used to say. (audience laughing) What in the world was the national electrician's championships? - Yeah, yeah, so it was on tape already. So I didn't have the excitement of live, the zest, the sizzle, I guess, of the way I'm very careful about how I talk about this though because when we were in the studio, they said, "Okay, to start, just go off script." There's a whole script and my analyst was the electrician from this old house. (audience laughing) Scott Karen was on Bob Villas, this old house. So we just did one run through straight ahead through the script and then the second time they said, "Okay, let's do a bunch of adlibs." So going to the final break, I said, "Come back with us, we'll crown a champion, "sparks will fly." (audience laughing) And I just thought of that off the top of my head. - Wow, that's talent, look at me. - A guy from the electrician's championship group, the conglomerate that was staging the show, came in and said, "You can't say that." (audience laughing) And I said, "Well, why?" He said, "Well, that would be a bad craftsmanship." (audience laughing) And so he said, "Do it again, do it again." So we do it again and I say, "Coming up next, we'll crown a champion, "sparks won't fly." (audience laughing) And the guy comes walking in again and this is his job. - Right, yeah, sure. - Come in and tell me what adlibs don't work. - Right. - And he said, "You can't say that either." It's too snarky. And I literally said to the guy, "Why am I here?" (audience laughing) If neither of those works, why am I here? - One last, one last question. I'm pretty sure unless something happened in the end of the last season, I miss that you have not settled on a signature home run call. - I have not. - Well, do you feel that now you will be the NBC Sunday night baseball voice of the game that it is time to pick one? - I do and I think we have the perfect panel up here for it. - Yes. - If they'd care to offer suggestions for a home run call. - How about, bye bye, ball. (audience laughing) - Isn't that exactly right? - Bye bye, ball. - Bye bye. - Bye bye. - Yeah. - See normal, this is why this show is great. Normally, normally when somebody offers me a home run call, they offer me only the language portion, but you did the tone as well. - Oh, it has a tone as proof of. - I think it makes the motif. - Yes. - You have to say it like a six-year-old. (audience laughing) Well, Jason Bonetti, it is a pleasure to have you here, have you back home in Chicago, but we have asked you here to play our game. We are calling. - Jason Bonetti, here's some confetti. (audience laughing) - We're gonna ask you about confetti. That's the word that used to mean little suites and now means a huge mess. Answer two or three questions correctly. You'll win our prize for one of our listeners, Bill, who is Jason Bonetti playing for. - Tim Hudson of Washington, DC. - All right, here's your first question. One of the biggest confetti drops each year is in Times Square in New Year's Eve, and more than 3,000 pounds of confetti is dispersed all over. But that can sometimes lead to what problem? A, the confetti cannons are so big, they can trigger an earthquake warning in the area. B, the confetti explosions can spook thousands of pigeons all at once, leading to a giant shower of bird poop on the revelers. Or C, sometimes after the event, many people are suffering from a medical condition called confetti arm. - You were vague enough that I think confetti arm is real. - That's true. It is real, because you see there are no confetti cannons or dispensers, all the confetti thrown into Times Square is thrown by hand, all 3,000 pounds of it. And the man in charge says the repetitive motion of throwing the confetti can lead to, quote, confetti arm. All right, here's your next question. Confetti can be made of a lot of things paper plastic, even sometimes gold. But parade goers at the 2012 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade were surprised when they found out that the confetti that day was made of what? A, newspaper ads for Walmart, B, shredded police documents, some of which included the names of undercover police officers or C, slices of turkey. (audience laughing) - So when I was in the minors, my broadcast partner was Kevin Brown of the Baltimore Orioles. He's at TV announcer in Major League Baseball as well. We would drive to games and listen to Waitway. And quite often we would say, I hope it's B. - Right. - And so I get to on the show say, I hope it's B. - It was B. - Yes. (audience applauding) - Apparently someone looked at a confetti, piece of confetti stuck to a friend's coat and says, why does that confetti have someone's social security number on it? (audience laughing) All right, you have a chance for a perfect game. Confetti canons, or a popular feature, at shows and concerts, not in Times Square. But the band Bad Omen stopped using theirs after a show in Melbourne, Australia, where what happened, the canons suffered a glitch where instead of going off at the end of a song, they fired off randomly all night. (audience laughing) B, when the canons went off, the confetti knocked a bunch of ceiling tiles loose, which fell on the audience's heads, or C, someone stuck a balloon in the barrel, causing the cannon to explode. (laughing) - I'm gonna say that it was A, and it was firing all night. - No, I'm afraid it was actually B again. - Oh. - I hope it's B. - Yeah, Kevin out there was shouting. I hope it's B, it was B. The next night, after the tile incident, the lead singer of the band said from the stage, quote, a moment of silence for the victims of the ceiling panels. Not a joke, shut up. (audience laughing) I heard they're all here tonight. Everyone that was hit by the ceiling tile, if you were, where my tile guy's at? (audience laughing) - What do you expect from a band called Bad Omen? - It's true, yeah, I mean. - They're not called good diplomacy. - That's right. Bill, how did Jason Benetti do in our quiz? - Two hits out of three, put you on bass. You're a winner. - There you are. (audience applauding) - Jason Benetti is a sportscaster in the new voice of Sunday night baseball on NBC. You can hear him all this season. Jason Benetti, thank you so much for joining us. I'm Wade Wage on Tommy. (audience applauding) (upbeat music) - In just a minute, Bill has a new dessert for you to try and immediately regret. - In our listener limbic challenge, come one triple eight, wait wait to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wade Wage on Tommy from NPR. (upbeat music) - From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wade Wage, don't tell me. made the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Curtis, we are playing this week with Luke Burbank, Harry Gundabaloo, and the Geen Farsad, and here we get to your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago Illinois, Peter Segal. Thank you Bill. Thank you Bill. In just a minute we fulfill our enforced Limerick quota. It's our listener Limerick challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-8-8-8-9-2-489-2-4. More right now a panel, though, some more questions for you from the week's news. McGee and according to New York Magazine, more and more parents are worried about whether or not who likes them. More and more parents are what if their own children like them? Not their own children. That's a lost cause, McGee. Okay, sorry. Yeah. Other school parents? Not the parents. The principal. Not the principal. The teacher. No, it's not the. Let me give you a hint. The building? What do we say? I'll give you a hint. You're like, oh, go. No, you have to wear something nicer than that. Henry's coming over for a play date. Oh, the friends of your kids? Yes, your kids friends. Apparently this is a big anxiety. According to the cut, that's a section of New York Magazine. It's normal to worry your kids. Friends are judging you because they are. There's nothing you can do about it. If you try too hard, you're like the mom from Mean Girls. You don't try it all and they're like, what the hell? No snacks, lady? Can I just say in response to the cut? I'll give a **** with those kids think of me. My daughters, friends, they should be so lucky to have me in the room. Come on. Also, don't flatter yourselves. I don't want to be around you guys at all. Don't play. Really? Yeah, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you've a daughter from right? Yes. And you don't send your daughter's friends when they get picked up. They go home and you don't think to yourself, she's going to go home and compare me to her mom and I'm going to look pretty good. And I will spend as much money at this red robin as I have to to prove that. This is so you're yeah, so like I'm basically magging the mom's other mom's. Yeah. No, I don't, I, I, I just mostly am like, I don't want there to be any injuries or anything like that. So there's like a report of like this mom let an injury happen. So that's like mostly that's it. Really? That's it. Just as long as there are no felonies. Yeah. And like, I don't want them to be like, I'm hungry because they didn't feed us. Like that's it to get those are the two things. Right, basic needs. What would impress a five-year-old like what a bluey t-shirt and some shorts? What is a five-year-old looking for an adult to look like? And what kind of uncool adult would that make you? In order to appeal to a young kid, whatever their sensibility is, when the other adults see you, they'll be like, is this person okay? Right, right. It's also a little creepy. Like, why are you dressed like a child? Yeah. But and also like, why are you even trying to spend time with us? Like, we're going to play now. You go. Yeah, leave now. Yeah. Look, the CEO of McDonald's put out a video of himself trying their brand new burger, the big arch burger. The video went viral because of the way the CEO did what? Appeared to have literally never eaten a McDonald's burger in his life. That's right. Specifically because of his the tiny, tiny bite he took. Chris Kempzinski is the CEO of McDonald's and he introduced their new big arch burger by posting a video of himself with one and after describing how great it was, he lifts it to his mouth and kind of pecs it. Right? It's not clear. He actually makes contact with it with his teeth. It's like the air kiss of eating. Like, did anyone ever notice that the CEO lacked the fundamental burger charisma required for the job? I wonder if like, they told him to take a bigger bite and off camera. He's like, I'm not going to eat this crap. Yeah. You know what's in here. Coming up, it's lightning fell in the blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air or call it, leave a message at 1.888, wait, wait. That's 1.888, 9248, 924. You can see his most weeks right here at the student bigger theater in downtown Chicago. You can also catch us on the road. We'll be in Savannah, Georgia, home of midnight in the garden of good and evil. And one night, us March 26th, we will also be in San Diego in April 30th for tickets and more information to all of our live events go to nprpresentz.org. Hi, everyone. Wait, wait, don't tell me. Hi, Peter. This is Eli calling from Royal Oak Michigan. Well, hello, Eli. We apparently have some Royal Oakers. What do you do there? I am a new-ish lawyer practicing corporate litigation. Corporate litigation? Yeah, I know. Try your tears, Eli, with thousands of dollars. It doesn't hurt. Well, welcome to the show, Eli. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news related lemurics with the last word of phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word of phrase correctly into the lemurics, you'll be a winner. Here is your first lemuric. The flow of this drink we must stanch. Because the thought of its taste makes me blanch. They think hidden valley is right up my alley. It's a milkshake that tastes just like ranch. Just the great wolf lodge chain of water park resorts. Recently announced the new ranch flavor to milkshake because people were not pooping enough. The treat, if you will, is made with ice cream, ranch seasoning and is topped with carrots, celery, chicken nuggets, and whipped cream. The head chef at great wolf lodge developed it through a process called throwing random things into a blender till the ache in his heart went away. They, if you've been inside a great wolf lodge, it is a violation of the Geneva conventions. Just as is let alone this ranch dressing situation and like you said, the fact that it's a bunch of pools and water slides indoors with adults who have been served alcohol and their children who they haven't seen for hours. Yes, this is a terrible idea. Wait, there's water slides in the lodge. Yes, that's what it is. That's why it's called great wolf lodge, you know, water slides. Legally, we can't describe them as water slides. All right, here's your next limerick. In our family tree, chimps aren't distal, though they cannot make pancakes or whistle, but they open their hearts to the aura of quartz. Chimpanzees feel the power of crystal. Yes, it turns out that humans are not the only primates who are suckers for new age crap. A scientist at a chimps sanctuary offered chimps a quartz crystal and a plain rock of the same size. And in multiple trials, the chimps grabbed the crystal and let the rock sit there. The joke is on them. Under the rock was a coupon for a thousand bananas. So there as shallow as we are. Apparently, yeah. In fact, the chimps might actually have a better appreciation for crystals than humans do because the chimps at least haven't tried to use them as deodorant. That's a thing. It is. Oh my God, I've used that deodorant. We know. It's like the only thing about me that I don't use it all the time. I'm not going to defend myself to you guys. Okay, I'm going to stop right there. Here is your last limerick. They said, "Teacup." But he grew real big. He parked out. That's the truth, not a dig. Now, like Charlottes, I know that they eat and they grow. No such thing is a wee little pig. Yes. Wow. That's our begging people to stop buying what pet stores are calling teacup pigs. For the reason that there is no such thing as a teacup pig. It's just a baby pig and he's about to get a lot bigger. When one vet was asked about teacup pig, she said, "That's not a thing." People are getting disappointed when those adorable little piglets they thought would stay that way grew up to be the size of a top loading freezer. You know, I live in the East Village of New York City and there was a guy who walked his pig around the neighborhood. Of course there was. In recent months, I have not seen that guy and I wonder, "Is the pet bacon now?" You know what I mean? You got a wonder. You got to do, yeah. Hunting season? If you really want a little itty pig, just get a guinea pig with alopecia. Bill, how did Eli do in our quiz? Three correct answers prove that Eli, you can do better than corporate law. Bill Eli, congratulations and thanks for calling. - Thank you, thank you. (upbeat music) - Now onto our final game, Lightning Film The Blank, each of our players left 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill of the blank questions as they can each correct answer. Now with two points, Bill, can you give us the scores? - Hurry and Luke, each have three. - Nighin has two. - Okay, so that means. That means Nighin, you are in second place. So you are up first, here we go. The clock will start when it begin your first question and fill in the blank. On Wednesday, Ayatollah Ali Kamei's son was named the leading candidate to become Blank's next Supreme Leader. - Iran. - Right, for the first time since her mom's disappearance, Blank returned to the today show. - Savannah Guthrie. - Right, this week, a woman in California filed suit against meta claiming that Blank is knowingly addictive. - AI, social media. - Social media, Instagram, in this case, according to new data, the average Blank account grew by 11% in 2025. - Bank account? - No, in this case, retirement account of 401K. This week, customers of a supermarket in Australia have complained that the store's new AI customer service chatbot will not stop blinking. - Flirting with them. - No, the chatbot will not stop complaining about its mother, which it does not have because it is a chatbot. According to a new study, blank medications may indeed help fight addictions. - A GLP once. - Right. On Tuesday, a total lunar eclipse led to 2026's first Blank moon. - Red moon. - Yeah, or the blood moon. A man walking to work in Brazil was being attacked by two wild dogs when he was saved by Blank. - Really nice wild dog. - No, he was saved by his phone, which exploded. (audience laughing) One of the dogs tried to bite the man, but instead bit his phone, which was in his pocket. The phone exploded, scared off the dogs. It's amazing to think of this guy had a better phone. He could have been killed. (audience laughing) And people say there's no reason to get boost mobile. (laughing) Bill, how did Nagine do on our quiz? - Coming from behind, she got five right. 10 more points, total to 12 puts her in the lead. All right. (audience applauding) - Hurry you're up next, fill in the blank. On Tuesday, James Tolerico won the closely watched Democratic primary for Senate in Blank. - Texas. - Right, citing overwhelmingly negative public feedback, a meeting to approve Trump's renovations to the Blank was delayed. - Valroom. - Yeah, the White House, this week commerce, Secretary Howard Lutnik agreed to testify before the Congressional panel investigating the Blank files. - Absent right. - Following their feud with the White House, AI Chatbot Blank became the most popular iPhone app. Anthropologic, I'm gonna give it to you, the company's anthropic, their product is Claude. Shoppers at an antique store in upstate New York made an incredibly rare find in the shelf, a Blank. Dead Sea Scroll. - No, a live sleeping owl. (laughing) Just hanging out there. On Monday, Apple announced a new cheaper version of the Blank. - iPhone. - Macbook, right. On Thursday, Popstar Blank was arrested for driving her into the influence. - Britney Spears. - Yes. - Oh. - This week a man hoping to get better at chess, created his own custom board that blanks him when he makes a wrong move. - Shots him. - Yes. (laughing) - The creator of this electrified chess board was tired of losing matches to the chess hostlers at Union Square in New York City. And after a year of shocking himself, we were thrilled to report that he's still losing to the chess hostlers in the Union Square. - It's not a total loss though. Sure he hasn't mastered chess after being shocked all those times, but at least he's no longer barking at strangers. (laughing) - Bill, how did Harry do in our quiz? - Seven, right. 14 more points. Total of 17 puts him in the lead. - All right, then how many does Luke need to win? - Seven to tie, eight to win. - Here we go, Luke. This is for the game, fill in the blank. On Wednesday, the Senate rejected a resolution that would limit blanks war powers. - The president. - Right, Donald Trump. On Tuesday, the White House announced a plan to help lower residential blank costs. - Mortgage costs. - Electricity costs this time. This week, Colorado declared their first blank outbreak of 2026 measles. - Right, on Wednesday, a federal judge ruled the companies who paid for Trump's blanks are owed refunds. - Terrific. - Right, according to a new article, tech firms around the country are trying to increase productivity by stocking offices with free blank. - Cots. - No tobacco. - After receiving some complaints, the theater in London putting on a kid at friendly Peppa Pig shows as they will no longer serve blank at their snack bar. - Teacup pigs. (audience laughing) - I'm gonna give it to you, the answer is bacon. (audience laughing) - All right, in retrospect, yes, it was kind of weird that kids would watch a show about Peppa Pig and Mommy Pig and then go out in the lobby and eat cousin pig. (audience laughing) - But, granted, of course, this wouldn't have been the first time kids were faced with this particular problem. Think of all those little Arthur fans. The first time they were served an art of arc sandwich. (audience laughing) Bill did Luke do well enough to win? - He did well for right, eight more points, but his total of 11 falls to Harry's 17. (audience cheering) - Coming up, our panelists predict, well, after looks, Maxing, what'll be the next big internet beauty trend. Wait, wait, don't tell me it's a production of NPR and WBZ, Chicago, an association with the urgent haircut productions, Doug Berman, benevolent overlord. Philip Kotica writes, "Our Limericks, our public address announcer was Paul Friedman. Thanks to the staff and crew always at the Studebaker Theater. B.J. Litterman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills-Miles, Norma Sen, Lily and King. Special thanks to Mahanadal Shiehi, Monica Hickey, and Travis Hagen. Our prank-maxer is Peter Gwynne. Our visual host is Emma Choi, technical direction is more and a whiter. CFO is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse, our senior producer is Ian Chell, I'll get the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, is Mike Danforth. Now, panel, what will be the next big internet beauty trend, Nguyen Farsad. - Feet-maxing. Bunions are cool, so you can now get them surgically added to your feet. (audience laughing) - Harry Kunderbolo. - Brain smashing. - It's time to get rid of some excess brain cells. (audience laughing) - Luke Burbank. - Luke's snacking, where I make a bunch of snacks, and I look at the internet to try to figure out what the hell people are doing to their faces. - Ooh, well, if any of that happens, panel, we're gonna ask you about it. On Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. - Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Nguyen Farsad, Luke Burbank, and Harry Kunderbolo. Thanks to our fabulous audience here. It's a stupid, considerate downtown Chicago. Thanks to all of you for listening, wherever you might be. - I'm Peter Sago, we'll see you next week. (audience cheering) (upbeat music) - This is NPR.