We Saved These Stories For Them w/ The Basement Yard | Reading Reddit Stories

This episode of Red Stories is sponsored by Dordash. Got you, delivered. Dordash. Hello, and welcome to Smoshery's Red Stories. I'm Shane, and today, the theme doesn't really matter, because we have two incredible guests joining us. From the basement yard, we have Joe and Frank here on the couch. [APPLAUSE] Dude, thank you so much. Thank you for being here. I feel like we have been wanting this to happen for so long. -Thanks. -Like on any of our shows. -Yeah. -I feel like we've shouted you guys out. I feel like you guys have talked about us occasionally. Yeah, also. As soon as we heard you say, like, the basement yard, we're like, yeah, we got to get over there. They got a big audience. -Yeah. -Yeah. I will say-- I will say, I was a little afraid meeting you, because I don't know if the cameras are adding the amount of muscle that's due to sitting here with, but last time we spoke about you, we wondered, like, who would win in a fist fight? -I saw this, and Joe said he would drag me around the ring. -Track your-- [LAUGHTER] -So we didn't know-- I was like, looks like I was like, hide, wait, whatever. -Yeah. -We were like, all right, all right. -So, like, just bicep curls, all right, great. -Yeah. -So we were afraid walking in that you were just going to walk in and full on just our deck and us. -Just fully open his-- [LAUGHTER] -Bam! -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Saying it! -No, I am truly so excited. I am genuinely a fan. -As I remember. -Courtney, Courtney was the one who, like, told me about your guys' podcast, and then we would listen to it a lot when we're, like, on long drives and stuff. It's so fucking funny. -Thank you, man. -Yeah. -We're really excited. -Well, great. Are you guys-- no reddit? -No, yeah. -You know reddit. -You've been on too hot-takes, so this is-- you've already-- -Yeah. -Yeah, obviously. And, honestly, like, I really appreciate people who are able to find the most insane things on reddit. -Yeah, our producers are incredible at this. -And I hope you have therapists as well, because, obviously, reading some of this-- -Sure, everyone does a little bit of therapy work here, you know. -Yeah. -I want to-- -There are pies in each other. It's a nice community. -Yeah. I have been told I think we have a pretty legendary story in this one. -Oh, no. -One that's, like, very famous on reddit, we're finally doing it. -Okay. -And I've been wanting to read it for years. -You guys held it for us? -Yeah. -Oh, my God. -We've been holding it for a while. We're, like, waiting for the right moment, so. -Don't put this on. -Here we go. Yeah, I know. -You're not messed this up. -This is pressure. -Here we go. Our first story comes from "Am I the Asshole" that's supposed to be in 2019. -Excellent. -Preco. -Excellent. -Yeah, excellent year. -A moment of wonderful vintage. -Yeah. I hardly remember 2019, I feel like. -It also doesn't-- it seems like two years ago. -Yeah. -It's like in a long time. -Yeah, it's decades at this point. -Surely. -Seven years. -Yeah. -Even hearing that, I'm like, "No, stop. -We'll say that. -We'll say that. -Not seven. -Okay. "Am I the Asshole for throwing away my boyfriend's potentially illegal yogurt collection?" Okay, so I did find this one. I found this one and I sent it. I was like, "We gotta read this shit." I'm a 29-year-old woman. My boyfriend is a 30-year-old man. We've been living together for two years in a little studio in a very expensive big US city. My boyfriend grew up rural-y with lots of space enough to collect all kinds of things. He collected action figures and video games and all the normal kid stuff when he was young, but as he grew older, he became interested in more unusual things. As a teen, he had eight guinea pigs of different types from different breeders. Since tide pods were released seven years ago, he's saved one of every kind of tide pod. He's got a big box of an international variety of electric insulators, those little ceramic hats that power lines wrap around on power poles. He's not a hoarder. He's usually neat, just used to having lots of space for his bizarro collections. At his parents' ranch, he has two big rooms full of containers of weird and impressive things. He recently became interested in yogurt. He's always hated dairy products until about a year ago. He's not just started drinking milk and sharing ice cream with me, but he's found a love for yogurts. So he now collects them, of course. The problem is that they're perishable. So until earlier today, our little 550-square-foot studio contained about 2,100 cups of yogurt. (laughing) It comes in tons of varieties. Different types, flavors, textures, containers made by different companies in different countries. This is like crack to my boyfriend. So he tried to pretty much save a sample of everything he could find. He filled our fridge, bought a new fridge, and then another tiny bedside fridge. He said he didn't want to walk to the fridge at night, but it was obviously a ruse to get more yogurt space. These? (laughing) Okay, I think he's tricking me. These fridges all filled up with his yogurts, and if you keep them for long, they smell bad. Sometimes the packaging breaks. So our apartment was smelling like rotten milk for the last two weeks, and my boyfriend's attitude was, oh, it's fine, and just deal with it for a little longer, until I pulled the plug and threw it all out this morning. I was looking at my groceries, which I had to put beside the fridge because there was no space and everything smelled like death. And then I kind of snapped and threw it all away. My boyfriend is understandably upset. We've been arguing about whether I crossed a line by throwing away his stuff. And he's especially upset because he, of course, had rare yogurts that were hard to find. In particular, he had some Cuban and Iranian yogurts that you can't get in the US. Hell, yeah. But I know that we have trade sanctions against Iran and Cuba, so I don't know if it was even legal for him to have them. I asked where he got his Iranian yogurts, but he kept insisting the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here. And that the real issue was me throwing out his precious yogurts without his permission. Am I the asshole here? Do I need our slash legal advice? Thanks in advance. I'm so exasperated. Well, let's start with it. Sounds like these people need our slash help. Yeah, in general. You want to know what it sounds like? Yeah. Don't you dare. Don't you dare. He does this. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't, not Iranian yogurt, obviously. I mean, I'll be honest with you. I might have to get in the yogurt game. This sounds pretty sick. I've never tried, I love yogurt. Big yogurt fans, you said yogurt. I saw Greg Quiver over there. Like, he was pumped about yogurt. Greg was like, fuck yeah, okay. First of all, this sounds like it is like a weapon of mass destruction. Like when yogurt, it like inflates and stuff, and like it'll pile up. Like those old fart bags when we were kids. Yeah. That's what they're sitting on 2000. Wait, you're talking like, you're not a what-be-cushion. You're talking like a fart bag. You never had a fart bag? What does a fart bag do? I was pleased. I was shocked. I grew up mostly in Arizona. Oh, Arizona is a fart bag. Arizona made a big explode. It's too hot. It was too hot. I mean, it was a bag. It was a bag. It was a bag. And it was a cartoon guy farting super hard. And you would press it and then it would start inflating. And then it would explode and it would smell like shit. Like, I've never heard of this. Dude, you need to get your hand to fart bags. I need to fart back. I need to fart back. He threw one in my apartment. Oh, yeah, I did. A couple. How recently? Oh, a couple years ago. He's also left that apartment. It's a bag. I had to do it. I had to do it. I had to do it. I had to do it. Yes, those are them. Those are the five. I've never seen these before. It's probably a good thing I didn't know about. Just come on the company card. Get some fart bags in here. We're going to be having fart bags in here. It's a great bit because you do it and you throw it back and forth like a hot potato. It explodes. And then it pops. It's a great thing to do with mit. Let me tell you. Also, and it smells like-- Because it's like the fart spray. I've heard about fart bags. It's so bad. It's so bad. Also, the glass ones. Do you ever have the glass ones? No. Did we just have like chemical orwark normal or what? Well, here's the thing. Back to this. When this person was talking about like, there's rooms and there's containers with-- You have a collector. You have a collector. I am a collector of unable to throw out her. No, no, no, no, no. First of all, I like to hold on to sentimental things. Sue me. This is how it's-- Everyone, sue me. Sentimental yogurt. See, this is where it's getting on. I have gotten better. You know, I have, you know, kids and there's-- They have a lot of stuff and we have a lot of stuff. So like, I've gotten better with getting rid of stuff. However, this guy's tapped in on the market. He understands that there are freaks out there. He might be one of them. Okay, whatever. I don't want to use the big freak word, but he's going to get it because of the yogurt. He knows that people are going to buy that stuff eventually. No, he's not selling it. There's no way. He will. He shall. But it's perishable. Wait until-- I think it said my boyfriend. I threw out my boyfriend stuff. Wait until he got to pay for a wedding. Then he'll get rid of his Gen 1-- You know, type pods and he'll pay. If you can't-- If you can't marry me and my 2,000 containers of yogurt, you can't have me. This does sound like moving toward horrorism. That was the hardest sentence I've ever said of my entire life. It's toward horrorism. It's also-- You are already there. Yeah. It's like sprinting towards psychosis here. It's like-- This is well beyond, like, collecting. Do you collect-- Do you have anything that you love? I'm not-- I'm not a-- I'm not a-- You know, I've got like-- I have toys. I have megazords and Spider-Man toys. Shoot me. This is what it is. But those do appreciate and value. He's never going to sell them. But they're also not perishable. Correct. But they're also-- they mean something. Like, they're cool. I also have, like, old beer cans in my fridge, because it's rad. Okay. Do you have, like, one of each? No, I-- Right. I don't even know what that means. You've never seen, like, the thing where people are like-- I'm collecting. You wake up in bed in just a bunch of beer cans. No, no, no. Like, you ever seen, like, the garage-- Like, grandma's garage fridge finds where it's, like, a Star Wars can of Pepsi or something like that. What channel is that? Oh! Yes! Yeah, in Pittsburgh. I, like, at 1998, something. Yes! Okay. Stuff like that. But when it comes to yogurt, we're going to have a control here. If it's a special edition thing, I-- If it's from my rent. If it's from Cuba or Iran, you will keep it. I love that he started collecting yogurt, so then he was, like, I got to go international. Yeah. So I got to start expanding. But you got to, you got to enjoy it. Like, I think when it comes to foods and stuff, I get like, you get like something special. Like, the only thing I compare it to you is like a very special bottle of wine or something. It'd be like, hold on to it. Sometimes you hold on to it for too long. And it's like, I think it's important to like, enjoy those things. - Yes, yes. - So it's like, dude, you got this cube in yogurt, have it. - I think the thing that should have happened here is he should have tried, enjoyed the yogurt, and kept like the foil. That's a middle graph. - That's a star. - And you're gonna have like a stamp book of yogurt-- - I love that. - I love that. - I'm all in on that. - Yeah, you want it worse. Somehow. (laughing) - How is that worse? - How is that worse? - No! - 'Cause the yogurt isn't the foil. The yogurt is the yogurt. - No, but it's the memory. - It's the memory, and then you have proof that you had it. - Yeah, you ate it. It's in your body. And then like, it was part of you. But you're gonna, if someone, if I went over to someone's house, if I went over, bro, if I went to your house, and you were like, take a look at this book, and I start opening it, and it's just collected, yogurt's, I'd be like, I'm getting out of here. - You do nothing. You support me in my side. - Okay, I would get out of there. - Okay, but other scenarios, you're 80 years old. You're trying to tell your grandkids about how it's like, I had this Iranian yogurt, and they're just like, he's fucking lying, and he definitely didn't. - They're not gonna say that. - But they're not gonna say that. - They find it, they find it, it's turtle, they go, oh my god, grandpa was telling the truth. He really did have this. - I'm a simple man. Something that you will learn to come to learn about him. - Yeah. - Black hole in here. - That's not true. - You did it on the black hole of a heart that he cast. - It's literally not true. I believe that energy exists in items and moments of time and stuff like that, so hold on to some things because I feel that they tell a story. - Yeah. - So it's a gateway drug to 2,000 yogurts in your apartment. - Yeah, there's a limit. - Bro, if you were single, forget about it. The house would be filled with things. - My wife does a lot to reel me in. - That's what I'm saying. If you were just left, you know, if you were like, just unleashed out of the yard running around, there'd be a lot of stuff in your apartment. See, why do you have to compare me to an animal, unleashed? (laughing) - Yeah. - Do you collect anything? - I'm kind of in a similar situation. Like, you know, my coordinator's place is not like big enough to like, I care more about having space than I do about collecting things. Like, I love reading. I love like having books. I wish I could have like a library where I just keep all the books, but I moved a couple times and I had a lot of books and I was like, holy shit, this is so much to move. I'm getting rid of these. - I know you want a ladder on wheels. - Oh yeah. - I don't want that too. - I want to do the bell thing and just roll around. - Yeah, just like swing your leg and like, - Yeah. - Like Stanley Tuget. - No, I would love that. - Just kick your foot off and just be like, "Oh, exactly, exactly, oh, the dream." - So you'll get there. It starts with books. It ends with Iranian yogurt. - Absolutely. No, but like I was saying, I'm a huge yogurt fan. - Sweet. - I've been typically on skier. That's the, that's like the Icelandic. Do you open it up and it's like, what? - There's a fart at you. - You know, I'm not like yogurt at all. - No, I do, I do. But sometimes you open a yogurt and you're like, "Oh, God." - No, no, it's pretty like solid and then you stir it up and it's got like a deal. - Yeah, like when you open it, it's like spit at you a little bit. Just like, I hate that. You know what I mean? - What kind of yogurt are you having? - No, I'm having that yogurt too. I want to do that. - Hell yeah. - All right. - We have four bags and spit in yogurt bags and spit in yogurt. - To put a button on this, I don't think she's the asshole. She's clearly in survival mode and has to get, that place was a hazmat issue. She did the right thing. - You got to have balance, like when you're living with someone of like, this is my collection, but this is also your space. He's not respecting your space at all. - At all, I will say, I would have advised against throwing out all of them in fear of my life because it's like, this is clearly not. - It's true. You're making a fool move. - This is an unstable thing that I could be doing. - Yep. - Yeah, I don't think she's the asshole, but it is like, you're about to throw out this. - She's brave. - She's about to throw out this man's entire collection. - Yeah. - You don't know how much money he spent on this. It's at least $5,000, just if you're doing like, typical yogurt math, but then you don't know how much these rare yogurt's cost. - Yogurt's expensive. - The verdict is not the asshole. Comments, the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here. I hope at some point in my life I find a way to seamlessly drop that into conversation. Someone said not the asshole seems like he is a hoarder. Horders who stock everything away neatly do exist and him having two rooms full with his collections, and him even slightly thinking it's okay to keep old rotting yogurt speaks volumes. Not to mention those yogurts could turn it into a safety/health hazard. This isn't just him being used to having lots of space. Him buying two more fridges with who knows what kind of an excuse for that, again, speaks volumes. Not to mention him tolerating a smell of rotten milk. He clearly needs to work on this, make sure that he gets some help, because he definitely is a hoarder. Someone said info, Hi-O-P, just one question. What the fuck? Everyone sucks here, but mostly he. He sucks because he is a hoarder who filled your apartment with an utterly absurd collection of rotting milk and now has the gall to stomp his feet over you getting rid of it. You threw out his shit with no warning. If you've made an ultimatum like you have two days to turn the yogurt collection into a collection of yogurt labels and throw out the rotting dairy, or it all has to go in the trash, I'd be like slake queen, but as it is, I'm assigning a small part of the blame to you. So it's kind of what we said. I love how people are breaking this down with, like, real, genuine. Yeah. There's always a redder who busts out the glasses, like, right, let me see this thing up. This episode of Reddit Stories is sponsored by DoorDash. DoorDash makes showing up for the people you love easy. Got you? Delivered? DoorDash. Order now. Smosh has been traveling around the world, Boston, London, Montreal. It has been amazing, but I'm going to be real with you. Those flights exhaust me. You don't get some stanchial food, it's crowded, I'm tired, and I just want a shower. The first thing I do when I land back here in California is order from my favorite restaurant. I use DoorDash because no one looks good when they get off an airplane. I refuse to be in public, so stuggling up on the couch with a few of my favorite dishes is the perfect way to end my trip. I order at the moment I'm sitting in my rideshare back to my place, and when I get home, it's their waiting for me. The relief I feel when DoorDash is there, it's one less thing to think about. Maybe I'll convince the Smosh team to have us tour a bit more. What can I say? I love my DoorDash ritual. Got you? Delivered? DoorDash. Order now. Back to the show. Let's move on to our next story. That was a solid one though. It's good. I read that story and I was like, this is incredible. Yeah, that's wild. I'm now on yogurt. I really want to try Cuban and Iranian yogurt. What was the one that was like a, it was like a, like, not spark plugs, but it was like something like that. Oh yeah, he collected. I was like, what is that? I don't know. It was like the caps for Transformers on Powerline. Yeah. I was getting that. Yeah. He's climbing. What is going on? He's climbing up and getting them. I mean, he's getting the legal yogurt on the dark web. I'm sure that he's figuring out a way to get those. What of your collections do you think is the most valuable thing you have? Um, ooh, that's a great question. My children. Okay. I am collecting. I'm collecting children. We'll move on from that. It is right now isolated to just my own. No, I would say seriously, um, I have three copies in box Pokemon games. So I have a Pokemon red, blue, and gold right now in box. I bought them like pre-Pokémon boom and they are pre-Pokémon boom as in like local ball walking out with like a card on his neck and stuff. I buy toys that like I had as we had as kids. I don't know. You didn't have park bags. So who knows what you played with. Okay. So we have like the original 151 Pokemon card collection from back when I was a kid. He's going to say 151 like the alcohol. What? I do have the Cardi 151. He's an alcoholic. He's an alcoholic. After they discontinued, I got a whole fridge full of the Cardi 151 and I'm not drinking it. Cool. Let me know if you ever want to sell that stuff. Yeah. Well, you have the whole first collection? Uh, most of it. Yes. You're sick when I was a kid. But like collecting over the course of the years. But it's like I'll get toys because that was a big power ranger's kid and I will let my kids play with them because to me, the idea of like it just sitting there and no one touches it. So like I buy it. The kids play with it. I have a hard time with leaving something in a package, right? Like I don't do that. Especially yogurt. Especially yogurt. Hell yeah. Yeah. I had yogurt this morning. Scare. I had some skier. Scare? It was incredible. We need to get some of that Norwegian yogurt. Yeah. I don't know what's going on over here. Our next story comes from Am I the asshole? This is supposed to this year. Fresh. Am I the asshole for telling my best friend, stepbrother, that he isn't a short king? Sorry dude. You're six, too. Yeah. I don't know what to tell you. So there's a 25 year old man. My best friend Oliver, who's a 21 year old man, and I have been friends for 12 years. Honestly, we're more like brothers. I think it's funny. My girlfriend Naomi, who's 25, and I are, I think, pretty average for height. He's 57, and I'm 5/11, but Oliver and his girlfriend Angela, who's 24, are on a whole other scale. Oliver is 6/7, and Angela is 6/2. We rarely talk about our heights, but I bring this up because it's important. Oliver and his stepbrother, Jim, who's 22, don't have a great relationship. They didn't really have the chance to interact. Oliver used to live with his mom while Jim lives with Oliver's dad and stepmom. Oliver would invite Jim to do stuff, but Jim never accepted. Anyway, Oliver's dad was having a little get together yesterday, and he invited the kids that moved out and their parents. Oliver Angela, Oliver's step sisters, 23, and her fiance, a 25 year old man, plus Naomi and I, and a couple other close friends. Jim kept coming over to me and telling me that short kings should stick together. He kept trying to say that he and I are short kings because Oliver is so tall, but we aren't. We aren't short. I'm 5/11. If I had to guess, I'd say he's around 6/1. After Oliver and Angela, he's the next tallest. We're tall. Oliver just happens to be extremely tall. Anyway, the 6th time Jim started telling me that I. Straight up said, dude, you aren't a short king. You aren't even short. You're taller than almost everyone here. And I guess that pissed him off because he didn't talk to me for the rest of the get together. I got an Instagram message from Jim this morning about how I humiliated him in front of his family and how he wanted an apology. I just left him on red. I told Oliver about it and he said I shouldn't apologize. Am I the asshole for saying my best friend's stepbrother isn't a short king? (laughing) How do you even have an apology? It's the only person that's like, no, I'm small. (laughing) The only guy in the world is like, I just want to be tiny. Yeah, what are you talking about? I think short kings has become such a community. This is just someone wanted to be in a community. And you're ripping that. Also, Oliver, short name. Just want to say that. I just want to throw that out. He's six-one. I know. Six foot one. Oliver, when you close your eyes. Neither do you close your eyes. (laughing) Picture someone name Oliver. Yeah, yeah, picture someone named Oliver. I'm picturing a dog, honestly. Oh, I'm picturing like a little like British orphan, you know? You're thinking of our twins, you're thinking of a hungry British guy. Yeah. It's like, even if he was 5'11, I'd be like, oh, no, but. All right. But that brings up an incredible debate. Is short king like, is it relative? What is it? People around you? It is technically relative, right? 'Cause it is based on just the average heights of human beings. And that varies by country. Like you go to some of those Northern European countries where every guy is like 6'8". Then yeah, like if you're 6'2, you are a short king. Yeah, I got that. 'Cause they start their days with Skier. Yeah, you can't. I think their urinals are like at our next one. Like showers? (laughing) I don't want a lovely workout. (laughing) I just think it's funny that he's so mad that it's like, hey man, I'm sorry, you're tall. Yeah. I hate to break this to you, dude, but you're not a short king. What the fuck? The fuck are you saying, dude? I'm like, you're embarrassing for my whole family here. What the fuck? You're embarrassing me. Oh. Yeah, I mean, I don't think it's relative to the people who are in the room. Yeah. I think it's like, bro, this guy, this guy is something. I don't know what he is, but he's not a normal person. 6'7". Yeah, it's ridiculous. Yeah, that's ridiculous. I do think that we need to like really pick what that word means. It's fair. It's like, it's all over the place. People are like, oh no, it's a good thing, but it's like, but you're saying it in like a condescending way. So is it a good thing or a bad thing? I'm cool with Eever. Eever. Who are you? Eever. Who is Eever? I'm cool with Eever, but we should know what's going on here, because everyone's being like, you're a short king and you're like, what the hell? It's like, it's a compliment. I'm like, I don't need this. But clearly, this guy really does view it as like a good thing and wants to be. Needs it. Desperately needs it. You gotta wonder how this guy called him out, because maybe that's a lot of it. I mean, we've all been there. We're like, someone has gotten under our skin to the point where you're just like, you're just shut up. You're not a short king, dude. Six times also is outrageous. Like one time, you're like, okay, I get it, because there's giants here. But then like, six times, you're like, dude, have another bit. Say anything else. I think maybe this guy just didn't feel connected to anybody in the room and just trying to relate to this guy. Exactly. And he's just like, here's our bit. And then for the guy to be like, fuck you, get out of my face. You can't do six in a row, though. Like, I don't belong to, yeah, no. Just corruption by the college. No. You're not, you're big. You're big. It's clearly like a community thing. Like this dude wants to be, he just wants to get, like the short king love. He wants to be something in someone. And yeah, maybe he had some 151, 'cause that might get him a little emotional. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm sure. I just wanna be sure. Oh, never be that. Like this tall dude. What was the tall dude's name? It's like Jim or something. That's a tall name. I'll be honest with you in the beginning of that story. I was like, if I have to memorize everything you just said, I'm failing. Sorry, we're talking about Jim is the one who's six one. Jim, that's a tall power. Jim does sound like a tall man. Oliver. Jim. I have Jim. Jim. Yeah, like it just hits like, like Woodsy. Yeah. It's lumberjack. Yeah, yeah. Is. And then Oliver. Yeah, what are we talking about? What are we doing here? He's wearing like an ass guy. He's like, hello. Yeah. He's a dumb man. Hey, small, small. Yeah. Um, the verdict is everyone sucks here. Yeah. Yeah, I also, I think that's fair too. I wouldn't be the person who's like, we're not, like, what do I get out of that? I would. I'm not with you. You're not sure. We have nothing in common. Yeah. I don't like you. See, if I, I could see myself being, but like, I could see myself going home, not saying anything going home and just being like, oh my god. But then I could see myself having a couple of drinks and just being like, you're just shut up, dude. Yeah, I don't know. I would feel like I would try to like give it in like a more, like soft way of being like, dude, like, hey man, you're pretty tall. Like, you're big. That's cool. Like, you should love yourself for who you are. Like, yeah, dude. Yeah, you, like, you encourage him, like, a T-ball coach. Yeah, I'd be like, hey. Oh, you're good. You got a sport. You got big. You got big. Oh, there. You got a job. Pretty good. You probably touch Ram. I like to think of this guy who's six one walking on the street. Whenever he sees like a really short guy, he's just so jealous. So six one going up to dudes who are five foot two and be like, hey, buddy. Me and you, right? Short Kings. Am I right? Like, he's like, yeah, I'm down like. Hi. He's like, aren't we the same? Yeah. Comments. He was obviously making a stupid joke in comparison to Oliver's height. He probably thought it was hilarious to call a y'all short in comparison to him. Since y'all aren't short, the joke could probably land once, but he wore it out. It sounds like you didn't pick up on the joke and took it too literally. Some reply to that saying, I was also in the stupid joke camp. I am saddened if it wasn't a joke. Someone else replied saying, I'm sure most of us have encountered some random or a family member making a dumb joke and wore it out hours ago and either grin and say, yup, and keep it moving. Or you're an asshole that snaps and says, it's not fucking funny, okay, Ted? We got it the first five times you said it. You hurt Ted's feelings and embarrassed him and all he was doing was trying to be funny. And then producer note under this Emily wrote, wait, who's Ted? No, that's super fair. I think they were trying to just like infer like a different situation. Yeah. I mean, this just sounds like an absolute nightmare room to be in. Oh, yeah. It's surrounded by giants and then one person thinks they are a comedian. Yeah. You can't throw six in a row at me because I will at a certain point be like, we heard it. Yeah. You know? I do what I do understand in Jim's perspective is going to a party, especially like if it's like a family gathering where you don't know anybody, but you kind of know one person or you kind of have like one slight connection with one person. But you don't want to be that person just like is glued to them, but you're like, fuck, otherwise I'm stranded. Well, I think be a normal person and just follow them around like a dog. Like don't just like say this joke ten times in a row. Yeah. Just kind of like find your way like, oh, no, okay. Yeah. But like just kind of being a vicinity. Yeah. But I don't know. Five jokes in a row. Even I would be like, all right. Like I'm not that guy. Like I'm not like, I'm the type of person I order food at a restaurant at lands. If it's not what I order, I'm like, ooh, delicious, I'll just eat it because I'm afraid to be like, I am not. Hey, I didn't order this actually, but someone tells the same joke to me six times and I'm gonna be like, hey, got it. Hey. Enough. Yeah. But seeing in that situation, you would look at me and I'd be like, enough. This is not like that's the dynamic we got. Okay. That's crazy. Frank could do something like this, but only if he said it like the second time and someone was annoyed by it, you're getting a hundred of it. He's going to sell the joke a hundred times. Yeah, but like in it like a tongue and cheek wrap. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. When we were younger, there was a time where we hung out and there was just a bunch of people we didn't know and I decided I was going to laugh like, do you ever watch a rest of the development? Oh, yeah. Remember when Joe where he's like, so, and I decided I was going to do that the whole night. Pist everyone off. It didn't matter. Yeah, he did. Did not. Because you had a great man. Did not matter. Also breaking up Hula hoop games. That was, Hula hoop contests, that was, like he's got to commit. If you know you're being annoying, it's kind of funnier for you to know that everyone else finds you annoying. It sometimes. Sometimes. If you're lucky. Sometimes. Yeah. Where it gets funny again. Yes. So maybe it's him to hit that eighth or ninth time. Yeah, he will. Or you find the sweet spot. Listen, Frank will dig through the center of the earth to find that funny again. Because the second one is like, funnier than the first time. Yeah. But you really got to push through, but it's a tough road. Yeah. The thing, it was his bachelor party and we were in Austin and we were at a bar and it was like this outdoor place. There was a slide and then there was like people doing a Hula hoop. Okay. What's going on, by the way. The contests, yeah. It's like a Hula hoop thing and Frank would just walk by and pretend to be like calling for someone or looking and like knock into people's Hula hoops. Oh, you're just ruining their teeth. Yeah. Stringing. Strangers. And like the first time it was funny. Second third. First time it was a mistake and he's like, oh, that got everyone to laugh. Guess what? This is their Hula hoop. This is their one time of year where they get to get together in Hula hoop. Yeah. They got to the point where he told me like, you're becoming a liability. I was like, Frank. Yeah. We have to leave now. Yeah. I think I turned to someone else and I'm like, I'm leaving him here. I don't care. Because you're the groom. So it's like, okay, we have to let him do stuff. They had to laugh. They had to laugh leaving the groom. They had to laugh at me. We had to stop you. Yeah. Lastly, someone said, everyone sucks here, y'all too old for this. And the last comment, you all need to touch grass. Oh. Damn. Hit him with that. Yeah. It's probably very easy for Jim. Because he thinks he's so small. He's like, oh, he's just right there. It's not far. It's difficult for the, for Oliver who has to like get on all those. Oh, breaks his back. Getting down there. Even six sevens a joke. That's a joke. It's silly. Like come on. Because you guys met Rhett and Link and like Rhett, you see him and it's like, what are you doing up there? I didn't like that. No, it's not good. I don't like that. Because there's two of them. I will tell you this right now, the camera takes away like six inches from someone's height. We have met several people, and like we're like, who, both Rhett and Link, we did some stuff with Dr. Mike. He's tall, so many tall people. -You never really realize with YouTubers. Because they're mostly, they're either sitting down, you don't really get a gauge of it. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Meet them, and it's always shocking. -Yeah, dude, Rhett and Link, I just didn't really like that. -We walked in, I'm like, both of you, really? Like, I get it one of you, but both? What are the chances of this? -No, truly working there because we were working like in their same studio for a couple of years, and you'd be like, in a room doing something, and suddenly you'd turn around, and he would truly come through the door, like, Gandalf. -Yeah. -In fact, we'd be like, "Hello there!" You're like, "Oh!" -We were in Mythical Last Year, and we met them for the first time, and the first time we said, "Fuck, dude, these guys are so tall." And then I came back for like this Golden Globes thing, right? And we had to wear like a suit and like dress nice, so I'm in the hotel room with Greg, and I wore a burgundy suit. And I was like, "In my head." I didn't say that, but in my head, I'm like, "There's a chance that the staff is wearing this color." Like, it's just one of those colors. Sure enough, when I got there, the staff was wearing the color, and I was like, "Great." The first people we see, right in the link, I'm like, "Jesus!" Now I dress like the staff, and I look like on my neck. I'm like, "This is a horrible night." -Uh, tough. -It's tough, man. It's tough out here. -Tuffer, man. -It does. -It's tougher. That was a really tough night for me. -I'm not for me. -All right, let's move on to our next story. This next one comes from "Am I the Asshole?" It's supposed to be in November of 2024. Guy on New York City Subway. -New York City? -Hey! -Hey! -That's a place. Guy on New York City Subway refused to move his satchel from the seat next to him so I can sit. Am I the asshole for sitting anyway? I boarded the train after work during peak hour. I noticed there was only one potential seat left in the train car. This well-kept guy had a double seat to himself, wearing good slacks, designer leather shoes, and a trench coat. He was sitting in the middle and had placed his satchel on the left of him. There was space next to his right, but not enough for me to sit comfortably. I tried to get his attention so I can ask him to move over. He had his ear buds on and looked straight ahead as I waved. I knew he could see me so I leaned a bit over to be more in his field of view. He took his sweet time to look up at me. I politely asked for him to move a bit over so I could sit. He looked at me up and down, down and up, actively checking me out before saying, "For you, I'd rather not." I am a diagnostic medical sonographer. Having just got off a 10-hour shift at my hospital, I had a long day which included finding advanced cancer in an eight-year-old. I wanted to sit and I said, excuse me, seats aren't for your bag or for you to hog to yourself. He again checks me out and discuss before saying, "I'm not arguing about a seat, especially with you looking like that." How was I looking? Tired with my hair up in a messy bun. I'm somewhat average-built, thick legs tall in case you were wondering. So I said, "I worked a long day just like you and there's no way you're implying that your bag is going to occupy a seat before a paying passenger. The vibe he was giving was very much a, you're not worthy to be in my presence. Let alone sit next to me peasant vibe." I was taken aback to be frank. Frank, he said, "Like I already told you, I'm not arguing over a seat." And then proceeded to stare ahead into the abyss again in the attempt to ignore me. The bitch switch was flipped at that point. That empty space to his right, I decided to wedge myself in. I was sitting one way or another. And as I got to do so, he slides over so I end up brushing his lap and tried to push me from behind so I'd fall face first. He was on that type of petty time and I had the time too. He was short, definitely not as strong as me so I stood my ground and wouldn't let him shove me face first. He's actively pushing me forward and I'm forcing myself to stay in place. In the scuffle, his man purse fell and the seat to his left was now completely available. So I sat like musical chairs. And boy, did he not like that I want a seat? He grabbed his man purse from the floor and decided to stand in front of me. I assumed to try and assert his frail male ego, I mean dominance over me. After a shouting match in which he quickly realized that I wasn't going to back down from, he then continued to go on a whole rant to himself about, bitches got a respect when they're not given a seat. And a bitch like me is probably ran through and no man wants bitches like that. Oh, and the fat bitches like me should be walking home not taking a train. I'm sorry, what is going on? I don't know. This is New York City, sorry, I consume food and not crackser. I looked him dead in his eye and laughed at him the entire time. He also did not like that, but I definitely wasn't going to have him think I wouldn't bust his ass if it came down to it. I grew up with boys and I definitely could have taken on his oompa loompa self. He ranted on and off throughout the entire 35-minute train ride. Before he got off, he said, don't get passed around too much this holiday. And I laughed and said, you must have me confused for your mama, sir, have a nice Thanksgiving. Am I the asshole for making my way into a seat I essentially paid for? It's the greatest city of the world. [ Laughter ] It's the greatest city in the world. That is why you live in New York. Yeah. You want that. See, I understand why New York City could be overwhelming and scary for people because of stories like that. The subway is, at times, the Wild West. Totally. That is insanity, though. I mean, I've seen -- we've seen some stuff on the subway. That is -- I could tell you, as someone who grew up taking the subway, if I go to sit down and someone's like, no, I'm getting off the train because clearly there's something going on here and there's psychos on the train. So I'm not going to play this game. I'm certainly not going to assert myself and sit on his purse or whatever she said. She's tired, though. She worked at -- She gave her background of, like, the day she's had. She's like, I found -- I think she knew that she was going to get to the point where she was also giving it back to the sky. And she'd be like, you know, I did find cancer in an eight-year-old. So, like, let's take it with that as well. I'm assuming she's in, like, scrubs or, like, medical -- Assuming. And I'm, like, damn, so you're really going to, like, deny a medical professional. How far we've come from when they were, you know, the New York was, like, their heroes. And now he's calling her a bitch. It's literally -- and it's also, like, that scene in Harry Potter were Voldemort and Harry Potter, like, their wands are at each other. And it's, like, they're, like, pushing each other. And she's, like, I'm bigger than you. And he's like, I've got a person, I'm a man. Yeah. From my perspective, he's, like, pushing her butt, like, she's, like, fighting back. Yeah. It's, like, okay, wow. I literally, like, knew she also was trying to paint a very comedic picture. She's, like, his man purse fell, like -- Yeah. She was short. He was -- he was short and small and not strong. [ Laughter ] And also not strong. Yeah. Yeah, no, she hates this man. Oh, yeah, I mean, I do, too, from the sound of it. And what was it -- his rule, he said something -- Don't be bitches for bitches, be bitches or something. Bitches got to respect when you deny them the scene. He started throwing up poetry. Right. Clearly, yeah. I mean, he was a beautiful haiku. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had written those down. Yeah, I got them from somewhere, but -- Yeah. I'd love to see what kind of podcast he listens to. Right. I think the LA equivalent is, like, when you're driving. Like, drivers in LA are crazy. When someone's doing some insane shit, I'm, like, you know what? I'm not going to try to win here because you might have a gun. Yeah. And I'm scared of you. Yeah. So I kind of am, like, I'd let people get away with shit sometimes. It's always one of those places, like, there's almost -- It's like -- you ever see the thing where it's, like, there's rules to, like, picking the urinal in a bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, if there is one seat open between two other people, leave it alone. Yeah. You don't take that. Really? You don't know why that's open. There's oftentimes you'll get on the subway and you'll see, like, a puddle of liquid of some sort. So, like, it's just best if you see -- Your own safety. Exactly. So, it's kind of -- They're, like, warning you. People also say that if you get on the -- If you get in a train car and there's a lot of open seats, get out. Also a problem. It's, like, it's going on here. It's too good to be true. Yeah, what's going on here? It's too bad because, like, people that move into the city, they have to learn that. But, like, you learn it very, very quickly. Like, we grew up and it was, like, characters, man. Yeah. Airwrector. Like, literally, like, what you see online, we're, like, you'll sit down and there will be people, like, doing, like, breakdance flips in your faces. That's awesome. Literally doing, like, a -- Yeah. Like, a black flip and it's, like, touching the, like, the hair of your nose. And you're, like -- They never -- It brushes your front hairs. Literally. That's so cool. Have you been on a subway at the time? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've been on the subway in New York several times. It's just intimidating. New York in general intimidates me because I've grown up completely in the Southwest, where there's just so much space. You're never, like, boxing with other people, like, even around. Yeah. Like, in New York, immediately you come out and you're just in crowds constantly. And everybody's so used to it. But in LA, we meet people, like, every person you see, you kind of give the, like, hey, how's it going? Like, whatever, blah, blah. You have to stop doing that immediately in New York. Because nobody's doing it to you. Yeah. And also you run into 20 people immediately within the first five seconds. Right. Yeah. You can't say hello to 20 people on the street. You cannot. Also, I remember, like, one of the first times I was in Denver, I was walking around in some random light. I was like, good morning. I was like, the fuck was that? Yeah. Yeah. No. What did she want? I don't have anything. No. I was like, you know, we just left our Airbnb and she said, good morning. Like, she's coming back tonight. Like, she knows we're staying there. She's Colorado. You're up in the Rockies. You may not see someone for two weeks. Yeah. You get lost. Yeah. I was like, the fuck? What is, what is that? That doesn't make sense. Yeah. I don't think I heard a good morning until I left, like, when I went to college. (laughing) Everything before that was just grunts. Totally. Oh, or just nothing. I remember the first time I was in New York and I went to a CVS and I just get some random shit. And I truly was like, "Oh, thank you." And I think the cashier just looked to be dead and the patient was like, "Well, like those pleasant, "don't, those pleasantries at a certain point." You get so tired. It's inefficient. It's just like, "Don't please me, don't thank you "because you're not getting it back." And it's kind of refreshing. I was like, "This is cool. "You guys, there's almost more of a connection "between New Yorkers in that way." I mean, think about it like this. How long does it take you to say thank you? Half a second? Think of a half a second times 400,000 in a day. That's a lot of seconds that you-- It's very true. So like, New Yorkers are just like efficient, you know? It's true. We don't need this. We don't have pleasantries. The seventh set of Reddit stories is sponsored by Wayfair. It's back to school season, which means it's time to get your dorm ready or give your space a little summer refresh. After a busy summer, I love getting everything back in order and there's no better time to spruce up my place before the holiday season begins. That's why I use Wayfair. Wayfair's furniture is built for everyday use and is designed to last. I recently got a new desk from them and it feels incredibly durable and high quality. I was able to find a piece that perfectly matched my style without going over budget. Wayfair makes shopping so easy with helpful search filters and over 20 million verified five-star reviews from real shoppers. I especially love when people post photos in their reviews. It makes finding exactly what I'm looking for a breeze. Join Wayfair rewards today to get 5% back on every purchase and start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to Wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's w-a-y-f-a-i-r.com. Wayfair. Every style, every home. Wayfair, every style, every home. Back to the show. The verdict is not the asshole for her that she stood her ground, she fought, and they're on her side. Comments, as a lifelong New York City subway writer, this took too long. Refused to acknowledge you when asking for a seat, don't ask again, just sit, especially after a long day. He had it coming, refusing to acknowledge you early on. I would have read into his outfit, sized up his knuckles, do less work than you, and be ready to throw hands. Enjoy the holiday. Size up is his knuckles. Yeah, just like pull up your pants and like square up. A lot of comments are thinking this story is fake. Yeah, I honestly got that a little bit. Yeah, someone else said you don't sound like you're from New York City. This argument wasn't that significant. I've seen far more interesting things with no recording happening, including recently a far more dramatic seat-related one. I'm not sure if it actually happened or not, but your reasoning doesn't match the reality I've experienced plenty of times. Someone said to be honest, this sounds perfectly Philly to me. Oh, Philly is another world, man. Yeah, I've heard. Philly is another world. I've never been to Philly, but-- Socks. I mean-- [ Laughter ] He said it. I don't have any Philly people in the house. I just hate Philly's sports. Well, yeah, they win the Super Bowl and they destroy the city. But also the last time I was in Philly, I got sick, and I was like, "This fucking city." [ Laughter ] They fucking did this to me. I got a flat tire, and I was just like. Yeah, and he got a flat tire, same time. I was like, "Oh, yeah." We were like-- Find a way to blame Philly for everything. It's a very interesting place. I will say, the line about, like, where he's like, "Don't get passed around during the holiday season." He was sitting there, and he was thinking so hard, like, "I need to absolutely eviscerate her with something." And he came up with that? No, he's socked. Yeah, he's socked. Don't have a lot of sex over the holiday, what? Yeah. The fuck? Am I supposed to be hurt by this? Lastly, someone said, "Fellow New York City strap hanger, not the asshole all day." He knows better than that. That guy is lucky that you weren't a crazy person. To be honest, I usually don't get into it with random people on the MTA because you never know if someone is unwell. Yeah. I mean, there have been videos that have come out of, like, crazy stuff, so like-- Oh, yeah. Just do-- you're not gonna-- Whatever. I'll stand, you know. Totally. I also rather stand because there's the whole thing when you have a seat. At least for me, like, when I have a seat, I'm like, first of all, when the train is packed, you got everyone's balls, and they're right here. I'm like, "I'm good. I don't need this." For sure. And people are, like, leaning because the train is-- Why are the balls at your eye line? Because I'm sitting down and they're standing. Oh, and they're all six, seven. Yeah, that's right. They're all really tall. But it's like everyone's crotch just right there. I'm like, "I'm good." But also, then you get into this thing where you want to offer your seat for somebody-- Like, I remember when I was-- When I was in high school, I would sit on-- When I would get on the bus, it would be kind of packed sometimes. And a woman would get on the bus, and I'm, like, 17 years old. And this woman, I don't know. Maybe she was, like, 40 or something, but I'm like, "Do I get up?" Or, "Is she going to be offended?" That I think she's, like, geriatric, like, "Hey." Sit down, grandma. Are you okay? Yeah, yeah. So I'm, like, holding her hand. I'm overthinking too much, so I'm like, "I'll just stand everything." There's also, I mean, the typical thing with being on any form of public transportation is, like, when you're sitting this close to someone, like, when it stops, you guys are going to, like, bang together and rattle together. So I don't just stand up. Just stand up and hold the pole that has every germ imaginable on it. And then, like, your handdaft. Like, your hand. That's built in the immune system. It's a good acclimated, yeah. Get acclimated, exactly. Yeah, exactly. It's part of the New York experience. I just would love some cholera, or what, what else is called? What the fuck is that? Do you have a new one? No, cholera's been around. Cool. How am I going to tell you about it? Go figure it out. All right. Our next story comes from "Am I the asshole?" posted in November of 2023. It's a solid year. I mean, yeah. I don't know what happened. I don't know. Uh, Barbie, Barbonheimer. Oh, Barbonheimer. Is that three years ago? Well, we'll be. I haven't seen either of them. It will be. They're good. It seems messed up that you didn't watch Barbie. We watched Barbie for the culture, obviously. Yeah. Sure. So out of respect for society. Someone here, if you don't watch Barbie, you hate women. I want a lawyer. [LAUGHTER] "Am I the asshole for causing a scene after I, a 23-year-old man, lost a costume contest to a dog?" Three, but the age of the dog in there. Uh, this dog is three, which is around the same age. Yeah. So they're, they're, they're three years. Right. We actually read this story about a year ago in one of our live shows, but we didn't tape it. So I'm very excited to be reading this here. Three. Okay. It's an incredible one. I am genuinely losing my mind here. So I love Halloween. I love making costumes and put a lot of effort into it. My friend hosted a big Halloween party at her place and said there would be a costume contest for who had the best Halloween costume under $50. Third and second place would win $25 and first would win $50. So not a huge money prize, but enough to offset the price of the costume. And to me, it was more about the fun of the game. I wanted to win so I pulled out all the stops and win a Zoro from one piece and only had to buy $40 worth of material. When I got to the party, I saw other costumes and there were some fierce competitors. But honestly, I think I had the best costume. I thought maybe it was too obscure to people who don't know anything about anime and that might not go well. But it was a good costume. When the winners were announced, I got second. This bummed me out kind of, but hey, I still did well. And again, if I had went with something more ubiquitous, maybe people would have got it. However, the issue arose when they announced first place. First place was a dog dressed like a pirate in one of those shitty party city pirate costumes. So if I had lost to another person, I wouldn't have cared. But I had a few drinks in me and my inhibitions were lowered and it was a fucking dog. So I out loud asked the host, really, the dog one? And she said yes and was gushing about how cutie looked. I said that it was a dog and it didn't even have a say in what it was going as. I told her that this didn't seem exactly fair. She told me to lighten up and that it was supposed to be fun. I told her that it's ridiculous. She's about to give the $50 prize to the owner for spending 20 bucks on a cheap Walmart dog costume when me and whoever was in third place actually made our costumes. She got mad that I called her ridiculous and things kind of escalated into a full-blown argument that required my friend breaking us up. I was then kicked out of the party for embarrassing the host like that. So I don't think I'm the asshole because like obviously that's not fair. If it was a dog costume contest but having a bunch of people compete and lose to someone's inbred bulldog is so fucking unfair. I think I was justified in saying what I said. People there said that I should have just taken the 25 and called it a day. Am I the asshole? This is an, I think you should leave sketch. Oh yeah, 100%. It's a, the fucking dog one? What the fuck is she doing? We got the fucking dog. The dog can't even speak. Oh. That is so funny. Just digging your heels in. I am on board with this person. They are absolutely not the asshole. Yeah. I am, I would have been right there and I would have been veins popping out of my head screaming. It's a fucking dog. You would have joined his pirate crew. I would have been so mad. You have to imagine. He's drunk dressed as Zorro from one piece. Yeah. Fighting people. Like the pride that goes into putting a costume together. It's true. You put work into it and to just be absolutely, oh, I'm angry for this person. I think there's something hilarious about you're going to a costume party. And then as soon as you get in there, you size everyone up. You're like, no, I got this shit. Yeah. It's like, bro, it's supposed to be fun. Like, what are we doing? It's for $50. Yeah. Like, yeah. The first place prize, you win your money back. Right? Like, that's kind of all it is. Because like, okay, it has to be under $50. So if you spend just $50. The dollar amount doesn't matter. It's about pride. It's pride. Oh, here's a hundred percent about pride. If I lose to a dog in anything, costume-related, I am absolutely. I am absolutely. I am absolutely. Yeah. I mean, it was like, lose it. Yeah, if I get outrun by a dog, I'm like, I think your beat is the fact you expect that. Anything costume related, there's one thing that you could possibly-- Squarched or a thickly dog. Squarched Earth. Absolutely. And everyone at the party is getting it. If I see anyone defending that dog, your costume sucks. You suck every single person there. It's like, shut the fuck up. Batman who asks you. Domass? Stay out of this green lantern this weekend. Pirates right now. Yeah. Yeah, because the dog is also a pirate. He lost to another pirate, but like a shitty pirate. Dude, and also getting kicked out like on the way out. I'm just imagining. Can I fucking nuts? Yeah. It's a dog. Yeah. Like the kicking and screaming. Because here we're the back out of a party. Well, the dog is just sitting there chewing on a bone or something. Yeah. Everyone's like having fun and like talking and like having drinks. And he's like, there's no one upset about this. We're being robbed. There's a conspiracy going on here. I mean, it would have gotten me. And I'm a huge dog lover. I'm with animals. In that moment, I would have hated every dog on the planet. Because it would have been in the front to the human race. Yeah. You've won a costume contest, right? I have won a costume contest. What do you dress up as? Yeah, that's a good question. What did you dress up as? I won two costume contest. Holy shit. Yeah. Who's the second one? First one was that our-- The dog went one. It was that like our-- You got to come to the past. Right. No, I'm in so pissed. It was like our second grade Halloween. And I dressed up as Goldberg from WCW. Oh. Wait, second grade. Yeah. Where in a class? No, we had like the Halloween dance at school. And I was Goldberg. And I won because I was very-- I was giant bold. Yeah. I was in character. That's why I won. I was walking around. I was like, you know. Okay. And then I won, uh, I can't remember exactly what I dressed up as. Oh, you know what? It's coming to me right now. He was two face. Yeah. Okay. So he-- Which one, like from Dark Knight? Like Aaron Eckhart. Okay, yeah. So it was like-- It was a really good costume. So you know what I'm sure? And I was like, he like burned it. So it was like half burned. Oh. Or whatever. And the pants, I like lit them-- legit, like lit them on fire with ax body spray. Most importantly, half his face as well was-- No, no. No. We're very careful with what we say. It was all-- It was a dark red. Right. In pictures, it can appear to be dark. Yes. Ah. Got it. So if you see a picture of it, you're like, what are you praying? It was a-- And you won first place. I won. And let me tell you something. Judges. And if I had lost-- To a dog. To a dog. To a dog. To a dog just with a riddler hat. I mean, I remember-- It was at a bar. Yeah. Probably. Why the fuck? I was at a bar. And it was like-- The prize was like-- It was like $200 in a bar. Oh, okay. Yeah. And I had drank enough to warrant needing that. Picardi 151. It was there. Yeah. You know? But I did win. And I remember the other people there were like party city costumes. It was like dress up. It was like smirfs and stuff like that. Yeah, he walked in there. All right. Yeah. You cared. You also-- You dressed as something. I just put on like a wig. A wig in glasses. Are you not a big costume guy? I mean, I didn't know that we were going out that day. He's so-- That's tough. He's not. He's not a big Halloween guy. I'm not a big costume person either. Because we dress up so much here that I'm like, I don't want to-- That's faces my job. I'm like, yeah. I'm not like a huge Halloween person. But if I'm going to something, I think that you have to like dress up. Oh, yeah. Like I'm not going to go and just dress like this and everything costumes. I'm not going to be bad. I'm above it. Like not. I got to be respectful. But I'm not going to-- I'm not typically the one to put in a ton of effort. Are there any costumes you put like effort into that you're super proud of? There was a year, a couple of years ago. But I mean, my wife really helped me like get into it. The Ryan Gosling from Blade Runner. So you just dress up as another good looking white guy? Okay, no. We did like-- We did the whole makeup and like, we got the like-- Oh, like a little blood on the side of his mouth. Hey, it was a whole punch. I don't know. I don't know. It was a pain and I was hot. It's a specific stuff. Who are you? Punched in the face? No, I'm Ryan Gosling. Okay. Shit. The verdict was asshole. The verdict was like, hey, dude. I forgot what story we're on now. We're on the dog. Oh, yeah. You lost to a dog. Oh, my gosh. Hey, you got to take it. Yes. This was there. Look, they didn't establish a ton of rules. But, you know, the rules weren't laid out and writing. It's just like, hey, it's a costume contest. Now, if I am going into a costume contest and they tell me a dog is competing, I'm pulling out. Because you're going to lose. Yeah. The dog is going to win. Yeah. He's the asshole because he took it too far. No. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, you're there for the party. You're there. It's not to win $50. Oh, it seems to be all he cared about. Yeah. I have a question. Does this make me the asshole that, like, it also would have depended on the type of dog? Well, it's a bulldog. I love bulldogs. Love them. But, like, if I lost to, like, uh, pomeranian or a chihuahua, I am furious. Oh. If it's, like, uh, if it's a golden doodle or, like, a Labrador or something like that, unless angry, still furious. Uh, comments. You're the asshole. I respect the work you put into your costume for the money you saved doing. So I also understand that you were frustrated with the whole situation and the alcohol didn't help, but here's the thing. You lost to a dog. Get over it. Your friend clearly likes dogs over people, and regardless of what the dog was dressed as, it probably would have won anyway. You recouped some of the money you spent. Apologize to your friend, the dog's owner, and anyone else you got into an argument with. There will be other Halloween parties in the future, maybe just accept the invites for ones that are no pets allowed. Someone else said, "Why did you think that the dog wouldn't win?" It's a dog dressed like a pirate. You're a dude dressed up like a dude. Of course the dog. Of course the dog was going to win. If you had dressed like a dog, you might have won. You're the asshole. I love that he also, he was so mad, he came home and he wrote this out. He also gave the alternative, like if it was a dog contest and I pulled up and I was Zoro and I won, it's like, all right dude. Ballad. You're going crazy. Be honest. Yeah. Would you be angry? I'm trying to put myself in these shoes because I wouldn't compete because I don't care. I'm trying to lace up these boots. Sure, I'd be a little annoyed, but I wouldn't, I would not say anything. I would not be frustrated enough to say anything. The only possible way that I would be upset at something like this is if the prize was legitimate. Oh yeah. If it was like a thousand bucks and you gave it to a dog, I'd be like, bro, what are we doing here? Yeah. But it's $50. I think I also love dogs, so if I saw a dog in a pirate costume, I'd be like, you got to give him first place. Yeah, yeah. Look at this little guy. Any other place but second also, I'd be like, how are you going to give it to that guy when this dog is right here? Yeah. Exactly. You guys are better people than I am. It's also kind of an equalizer. If at the party you're like worried of like, I hope people aren't mad at each other for who got first place, give it to the dog. So that nobody's mad at you. Like it's like, oh, we all lost to this dog. Yeah, yeah. You can't be mad at the dog. And it's 50 bucks. 50 bucks. The dog isn't getting the 50 bucks. It's owner's getting the 50 bucks. And he's going to use it on who knows what. I mean, it's fine. It's fine. I will say this, I will recant and apologize if the guy, if the owner, man or woman or however they choose to identify says like, I used that $50 to buy the dog a treat or food. Then I'm like, you know what? Okay, you did the right thing. But if they're just like, oh, look, we went out to lunch and I had a steak sandwich, doubling my anger. So you care what the people spend their money on? Absolutely, because that's my money they took. What's funny about this guy is he's not mad at the dog's owner. He's mad at the dog. Who even let this piece of shit in? All right, let's move on. Another one from 2019. Am I the asshole for telling a friend's friend that he couldn't keep the jackpot that he hit on my antique slot machine? About $700. I thought it was going to be like $700,000, but you said jackpot. Well, a jackpot on like a little antique slot machine that he had in his house. $700. I'm aware of the story. I have read this story before long ago. It is a good one. I had a party at my house last night. I have an antique slot machine from the 1940s that is an absolutely spotless and working condition in my living room. My grandma was a showgirl. She got it while dating a count room guy prior to meeting my grandpa. Over the years, people have played it and maybe won a few quarters here and there. Maybe a max of $50 at a time. As far as I know, the jackpot was never hit on it. So however it works, there was probably about $700 in the jackpot reserve that had built up over the years. I'd never bothered to have it cleaned out since it just seemed like a fun novelty. Well, a friend's friend hit the jackpot last night. I was fucking floored when he legit thought he could keep my $700. His case was he'd been playing with his own money and I would have kept his quarters. My argument was I'd be happy to give him his quarters back if he'd asked. But I'm not a casino and while I'm not destitute, I can't afford to give someone $700. Argument caused the party to wind down and one of my best guy friends basically told the guy he'd be in real shit if he tried to leave with the money. The guy left threatening to come back with the cops and sue me in small claims court. I have no idea if that was realistic, but no cops came back. So was I the asshole for not letting him keep the money? This is crazy. What kind of person is this? That is. We've got all sorts of like different sorts of like old school villains. Like guy who collects yoga. Yeah, yeah. He hates dogs different like the Batman 60 the gambler come and leave your money, but don't win it, so now you can't give you, like, what are we doing? -Yeah. -It's not your money. I'm not a casino. Correct. So we have a collection of people's money. You're a thief, is what you are. -I wish I could ask a lawyer, though. If cops come back, he's like, I was gambling. It's like, aren't you all in trouble? Like, isn't this-- -Yeah, excuse me, authorities. We just ran into a legal gambling ring. -I have a slot machine that I'm reading. -Yeah. -Isn't that-- you would get in trouble if you're operating it. I don't know. -I don't know that shit. -I kind of agree with you. -I would need to note. Now, I would be pissed. There's a lot of different situations. If I had this slot machine in my house, and I was just putting quarters in it every day, and then a friend came over and put one quarter and then won all the money that I had been putting into it. I'd be like, hey, like, that's-- I've been putting money into this thing. -Right, right. -But it's also like-- -I mean, but if you, as the owner of the slot machine, are allowing other people-- -Other people. You are in theory, like, relinquishing-- -Yeah. - --the opportunity that they might win. It might be a really small person. -Then you need to keep tabs on who all is putting money. -So, like, either you don't let them play, and they don't get anything in there, or you do let them play, and they get the opportunity to win it, right? Am I great? And it's $700. Like, that's-- -That's a lot of money. -Yeah, that's a lot of money. That's a lot of money. -$700 and quarters, too. -And they're, like, doing there with the shirt, where they're like, "Oh! You're like, "Wow!" You need to walk over to them, be like, "Why don't we get you a steak dinner, huh?" -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll count that for you. [ Laughter ] -Ooh. -I'm thinking about the, uh, the feng shui of this living room. -Yeah. -Where is it? 'Cause it got to be a pretty decent-sized slot machine. -Yeah. -You know how good it probably feels to crank that son of a bitch down? -In 1940s, what-- well, they do-- you still can crank them at, like, you can also just press the button. -Oh, stupid. -It's just fake. -I hate the button. -I need the old school ones. Even the computerized ones, I'm, like, these are-- they're rigged. I'm never gonna win any game. -I'd like to crank-- -Oh, pretty much everything. -Oh, oh, oh, oh. -Whoa. -On camera? -No. [ Laughter ] Pretty much everything, though. Like, if I could turn on the electricity of my house with that, like, switch. -Yeah. -Like, uh, yeah. Like, the tower of terror. -Yeah, like, Frankenstein, like, that kind of thing. -No, it, like, sucks, like, uh, I think about this with, like, modern cars, how it's all, like, electric panel stuff. I miss, like, you want to-- I want to-- -Like, we have said this-- we have lost out on buttons, levers. -There you go. -Lever's are so sick. -I love levers. -We need them. -I also like to roll down. I'm, like, "Oh, yeah." -Okay, you say-- -Yeah. -I want that doesn't option. -Because, if I'm-- if I'm gonna yell at someone, the effort going into rolling this down-- -Oh, yeah. -It makes it more, like, yeah. -You know what I need? You can keep everything. Give me back the phone. Give me back the-- -What? -Puck in. -Yeah. -I just hang it up. Slam it down or, like, a pay phone, and you're just beating the pay phone. -It's not the same, like, being able to just be, like, "What? Bang!" and then just the sound of the click. Or, like, even a flip, like, if we have to go there, like, that's fine. -Or even, like, the old phones. Like, you can just-- -Yeah, I'm slamming back. -You're slamming back. -Yeah, dialing in. -Yeah, like, I'm right there. -I'm right there. -I slam it, like, you know, -Yeah. -Deniro. -We have nowhere to put our rage nowadays. -I know, dude. I mean, slamming-- I've done that so many times, just 'cause, like, I just-- it's for fun. Like, I'm just gonna move it. -You just press the button on your iPhone and then just-- -Well, the iPhone is so bad, like, whatever. -Yeah. -It does nothing for me. -Yeah. -There's nothing for me. -It's so. -Let me throw these pillows. Pillows get a lot of it in, you know, in my house. -No, but you're talking about, like, screaming to a pillow? -Tough, like, buttons and dial-- -Yes! -Like, clicking things and stuff. -You know? -I don't know. -Keyboards. -Smashy. -Oh! -I saw many keys. -Someone was showing, like, "Oh, for their baby, they made one of those, like, busy boards where it's a bunch of, like, things." And I remember looking at it and being envious of this baby. -Yes. -Of, like, I miss that. -Do you-- -I want that. -They have one where it, like, it has, like, buttons, a knob of, you know, like, a dial that, like, clicks. -I have that. -And I-- -I have one, yeah. -And legitimately, I have one of these squares. -My sister bought it for me. -No, it's fucking awesome. I mean, look, I still drive, like, a 2012 Honda Civic. So it's still got all the buttons and shit. -I know, yeah. -And I'm like, "This is prime." -Yeah. -This is-- this is luxury now. -Absolutely volume should be on a-- -Oh, yeah. -Just to, just to, like, -I don't want to just be like, "Oh, my God." -Or this. You know how, like, some of the steering wheels have, like, the volume control. -Yeah. -I'm not into it. -Bring us back to the times where we could crank. -Rank it. -Yeah. -So maybe you could argue if you are operating this-- this slot machine. But you need to have this in writing of, like, "Hey, you're paying money to experience the joy of the crank." -I-- it's not about gambling. -There's so many other ways to explain that. -You get to crank it. -Yeah. -You want to enjoy this crank? It right in my living room corner. -Also. -Are you cranking it in my living room? -Grandma, former showgirl? -We know what that one is. -What's going on? -Fuck, yeah. That's all that stuff. -In the 40s? -You know, Grandpa hated that slot machine. -Yeah. -Yeah. -It's, like, this is my most prized possession. Got it from my ex. He's just, like, "Fuck this thing." -Yeah. -I feel like, also, if I'm going on my friend's house and he has one of these things, and I'm like, "Oh, like a thing." And he's like, "Yeah, you got to put quarters in." I'm like, "No. What?" -Yeah, so I should open it up. -I should open it up, or something. -How do my friends have quarters? -That's another thing. -Yeah. -Who's got change? -Charlie and Cash? -No way. -The verdict is asshole, comments. You're the asshole. You left money in the machine knowing people might win some of it. -Yep. -You were perfectly fine letting people use it as, though it were real, and keeping their money if they didn't win, and let the jackpot build. And now that someone actually won, you don't want it to be real anymore. 15,000 up votes. Someone said, "I think this is the best comment here. Originally, I was going with not the asshole because I thought it was a bit tacky for the friend to think he should get a payout from a novelty machine that's in someone's home. But I think you're right, and I agree with you're the asshole." OP knew there was a possibility of someone hitting the jackpot eventually and never made it clear with his friends what his expectations were if anyone ever hit it. And if he never intended to pay out any winnings, then he should have had a policy in place where he gives people their losses back instead of keeping their money. Someone else said, "Not the asshole. "I don't usually post in here, "but seeing everyone claim you're the asshole "for not giving this dude $700 seems assenined to me." He could not have had the same expectation here as he would in a real casino of winning a bunch of money. I doubt it is even legal anywhere in the U.S. to do that, so why would he expect it at some guy's house? You weren't exactly smart about this, or previous times, but you're not the asshole for not giving him $700. I'm assuming that you didn't rack up the $700 plus dollars from other people's money. If so, then you are running an illegal casino and not only do you owe that guy the $700, but you're also treading thin ice that the cops don't bust down your door. In the future, don't let people play with their own money. Clean the machine out and let people play using your quarters. There will never be hard feelings that way. 11,000 upvotes. Was that dork? [ Laughter ] That's a guy who knows casino law. You're skating on thin ice here, the police kid. Hey, shut up. Well, that's grandma's ex-boyfriend. That's exactly who said that. I used to work in a count room. I know this stuff. We have an update. Oh. So, OP made a lot of edits and updates to this post. Up to 12, so we picked some of our favorites and trimmed for time. Okay, so he wrote, "Edit, sorry, guys. I can't answer such wittestisms as, why are you so shitty? Because I've been banned." Wow, so since I'm a baby gangster who has been running an illegal gambling operation, both things that have been said, I might as well just go whole hog and start running guns and pimping underage and Indian alpacas to people who would pay for the privilege. I'm really that bad. I just thought I had a cool thing. My step-grandma got by banging a dude from the count room. Got it. There it is. Geez, actually. Christ! Edit three, got to address this one directly. If this was really last night, give it a week or a month and see how many friends, especially mutual friends, are no longer talking to you. Forget our votes. Listen to those. Also forget small claims. You need to worry more about hearing from your state's gambling commission. And he was lying about much he put into the machine too. He said $75 who the fuck walks around, much less even gets $75 in quarters when going to a party at a stranger's house. And in addition, I will gladly, gladly call our state gaming commission, Arizona, and ask what trouble I might be in. I will also update on when I can. People can't be this dramatic in real life. I'm a ducking Instagram influencer for my job. The phoneiest, most vapid, saddest job a person can have right now. And I'm still blown away by some of these comments. Call me or the asshole all you like, but don't be stupid and claim to have knowledge you don't in the process. Edit number seven. Jeez. This guy! Oh, holy. Oh my god. Fuck. I think he's getting asshole because everyone's just like, "You got to stop." Shut up, relax. You're chronically online. If you're bringing up the gaming commission, I'm out. Yeah, like the condescending like, "Oh, I'm a baby gangster." Like, "Oh, no, you are an asshole." And then he brought up he's an influencer. And so we're all just going to hate you now. Immediately, yeah. The most vapid job you can have. And listen, I am an asshole. I'm the worst person anyone knows. Edit seven. Info we need to know where the money came from. Did the money in the machine come from? You putting it in or playing the machine. So this is all guesswork based on what my grandma said the jackpot could hold. There's a window that shows the coins in the jackpot. The space behind is about the size of a big shoe box. She said it gets full at $800. It was more than half when she and my grandpa gave it to me. I always guessed $500. In five years, it's now 7/8 full. I play it from time to time so I'd say $100 of that is mine. And $100 is friends. I think the jackpot and normal payouts come from different boxes. So last night was the last night. I've ever seen that window empty. I know nothing of the machine or how it works or how to change settings. So I may be so. He's so wrong and a slot machine nerd could correct me if I'm way off base. Edit number 10. This dude wins the comments for all time. Someone commented, "I bet you look like Jared Fogel," or some shit. (laughing) - Jesus. - My God. - People hate him. - I mean, and yeah. - Yeah, why about you look like a pedophile, man? - Yeah. - How about that? (laughing) Edit 11. So the plot thickens. Thank you to some very helpful people who own slot machines who DM to are also able to suggest experts in my area. I was able to call a local person who works on antique slot machines. My slot machine is highly customized, but it's based around a pretty well-known model from that era. Don't want to say exactly because only a few of them exist anymore. And he said I could tell right away if the machine was broken or had been tampered with. In my very, very, very amateur job of checking it over, it does appear that this little piece is either broken or misplaced. So it looks like this piece of shit guest actually broke my machine to steal my money. There wasn't a jackpot at all. I don't have confirmation of this until the repair guy is able to come later this week, but it looks like that's what happened. The guy said there's an outside chance that if that piece was broken or tampered with, that it was an accident, but he wouldn't bet on it. I still don't care if I'm the asshole till the cows come home. Posting here has probably allowed me to get to the bottom of this and fuck that guy. Final edit, edit 12. - This is wild. - And we are skipping other ed. - There are more additions here than there are like Harry Potter books. - Yeah, it's kind of like, hey man, maybe you're not the asshole for the situation, you're the asshole, just kind of as a person. - Just in general in life on earth, just as a person. - Yeah, also I don't care, I don't care, 12 edits. - Oh yeah. - You care. - You care. Edit 12, well the amazing and level headed moderators of this sub just ever so politely informed me that I will not be allowed to update this post. So the short story is the winner almost certainly was hitting the machine and cause the jackpot to spill out. So had I been a real casino, I would have enacted the malfunction voids all pays and plays collos. So yeah, I was totally in the right, fuck this sub, fuck the moderators and fuck those of you on your stupid high horse. Most of you however were cool. (laughing) - Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. - So are you. - Almost to you. - Pretty rad. - Most of you guys though your friends. - You guys are good. - I've been working with me. (laughing) - I mean, this guy is sweating at his laptop. - Dude, I mean, I would pay $700 to not care about that. - That's crazy. - I mean, I guess now learn the law. - Yeah. - And my team with a clause. - He took a class. - He went to law school. - If I'm the person who won the $700 at that point, I'd be like, "Two, keep it." - Yeah. - I guess influencing is not going well, a lot of time. A lot of time. - A lot of time. - A lot of time, hey man. - If this is from the 40s, people collect like vintage coins and stuff like that. So if there are coins from like the 40s and 50s in there that are worth something, you know. - Yeah, some of her grandma's ex's coins are in there. - Yeah, there's pirates are the Caribbean treasure. - In this thing. - There's curse blooms in there. - Yeah. - Yeah. - All right, our final story. - Oh boy. - All right, we've been saving this story for a long time. So, you guys should be thankful. - I'm very honored. - Honestly, yeah. And nervous, we might miss it out, but that's enough. - No, no, don't worry about it. This comes from Ask Reddit, and this was posted in 2022. How would you get a small cylinder, 5.1 inch length, 4.5 inch girth, unstuck, from a mini M&M's tube filled with butter and micro-waved meshed bananas. - This is. (laughing) - Well, oh. - Can we, can we go from the top? - Yeah, sorry. - So I can get all of the ingredients? - I'm also gonna be doing measurements here, so. - Yeah, good. - How would you get a small cylinder, 5.1 inch length, 4.5 inch girth, unstuck, from a mini M&M's tube filled with butter and micro-waved meshed banana. But to say that without laughing, filled with butter and micro-waved meshed banana. - Yeah. - Yeah, huh. - So that's the post. - Oh, that's the post. - Well, he's asking a question. He's asking a question. How would you get a cylinder out of a cylinder? - Yeah, I mean, I think, you know, he's fucking the hell out of that thing. (laughing) - He's gonna be like 100%. - He's a thousand, he's going to town. - Yeah, and there's no cylinder. - And also, and also M&M's cylinder. - It's called a butthole, dude. (laughing) - You stuck something up your butt, and you're trying to figure out how to get it out. - A mini M&M's tube filled with butter and micro-waved meshed banana. Well, we have a bunch of comments here, and I feel like the story-- - Oh, yeah, we do. - O.P. is extremely active in the comments. - He's desperate. - He's desperate. - You want to get it on multiple accounts. - I don't think there's, no matter how you interpret this, it's a bad situation. - Yeah. - You probably should go to the hospital. - I'm probably on the line with like an MD clinic or something. - No. - But he's saying it's a cylinder. - Yeah, I'm saying it's a cylinder. - I've got a cylinder, though. - Allegedly. - Yeah. - So someone commented, "Elima Feo," the comments O.P. replies with our hilarious. It's your dick, bro. You stuck your dick in a mini M&M tube of butter. Go take a cold shower and relax. O.P. said, "It's a cylinder." (laughing) - Hold on. No one's talking about my penis. - It's a cylinder. - It's a cylinder. - Oh, whoa. - It's a cylinder, guys. - It's a cylinder, right. - Someone said, "Does the cylinder go all the way "to the end of the tube? "If not, it might be safe to create a small hole "in the plastic at the very end to equalize the pressure." - What's this guy? - Yeah, two. - Another guy who fucked a mini M&M tube. - He spent a lot of time in like high school chemistry class. - So I think you've had a lot of time in M&M tubes. - Let me ask you a question. You got to get some back of this thing. Is it back, you see? - Yeah, you blowing the sides out or like you scraping the back. - So what are we looking at here, huh? - Yeah. - Um, OP responded, "I don't want to risk a blade "coming that close to the cylinder." (laughing) - Oh, yeah. All right. - The cylinder must not be harmed. - Of course. - I mean, it's sensitive. - It's sensitive. - Yeah, I love how he also had the exact measurements of the cylinder. - Right. - Where he's like 5.1. - Yeah. - Gartham 4.5, that's how a cylinder typically is. - That is correct. - I appreciate that the mash banana was microwaved as well. - Yeah, you got to appreciate that. - I mean, well, they're going for realism here. - It's the details. - Yeah, they're trying. - We actually had a story we read in a previous episode where a guy was talking about that with a Pringles can filled with banana peels. - Who is this? (laughing) - Who is that? - Who is, who are you talking to? Is this Andre the Giant that's all over from the previous store? - He was putting his foot in it. (laughing) - So I have this five gallon compound bucket. (laughing) Imagine you're at the snack aisle of a grocery store and you're looking between the Pringles cans and the mini M&M's bottles. And the guys like, need any help? - Oh yeah. (laughing) - That's a very humbling decision to make, just like. - Which size are you looking for? - There's gotta be something in between. - For the cylinder, for the cylinder, I'm looking for, someone said, wait. Opie said it's been three hours. The cylinder hasn't changed size yet. - That's the problem. - He's admitting at that point. Like the cylinder changes size. - Right. - Yeah, I mean, maybe, maybe, you know, stand out in the cold for a couple minutes. - Oh yeah. - Well, there's a, and cold does things scientifically to things. - But the problem is if the pressure's there, it's gonna be. - There's a constriction. - It's a vacuum. It's more of a ring. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Really hold it in the blood. But like between the end of the cylinder and the M&M thing, that area right there, like you could split the atom with the amount of pressure in there, you know what I'm saying? - That's a full real vacuum. - Yes. - I wish we had a mini M&M's tube here. - I, so maybe I just haven't had one in a while. - Two mini M&M's. - Are they still around? - Yeah, you pop the top, like a. - A little. - Yeah, they're not very like. - Well, I'm sorry, Emily, you said they're little. - You would like this. - Yeah, she's like, they're little. - What? - M&M's tube. - Excuse us. - Yeah. - 'Cause they're the ones that you get for the holidays. Do you know those? - Yes, you say. - And those are like. - Yeah, it's out of control. - Like when you, like they have like that candy cane. - And they kind of have like the top that's like a, like a character or something. - Yeah, yeah. - Those are too big. - Yeah, they probably are. - Absolutely ridiculous. - They hurt, they don't. - Yeah, they're not. - They're only for a kill somebody. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably. Yeah, wait. - Don't eat all that. - It doesn't fit. - No. - A mini M&M's tube, some would say, not mini. - Like someone say, fair, all jokes aside. - Yeah. - The mini M&M's tube, the way that I'm thinking about it right now is mad small. - There's a blue tube, they're like this. - They're like this. - No. - The mini M&M's. - Oh, they're like this. - They're like this. - No, no, no, no, I'm talking about the opening, dude. - Oh, the opening. - Yeah, the small. - It's pretty small. 'Cause yeah, you can barely get like a finger in there. So how would you, how would you possibly. - You definitely can't get two fingers into there. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I actually do. - I mean, you can't. - We don't try to eat my mini M&Ms, you kind of, you can't, you can't, like, you don't pull the M&Ms and you just kind of like. - Two fingers, how fucking hungry are you? - I'm the honest starving. - I love mini M&M. - Just attacking it like a honey batch. - Yeah, I'm like, when you get anti-degrees. - I'm like, when are you the blue? - You're just like, give 'em, ah! Turn it upside down, I thought you did. - I'm honestly shocked that they don't come with a hole in the back of them because like there have been instances where like candy and toys, they'll have, like, 'cause they get like-- - They like cylinders, yeah, they can get like, stuck over like the mouth. of people and it could like cause breathing issues. That's a real thing that happened. - Whoa. - It happened with like Pokeballs. And like the nine, remember like the burgers for Pokeballs? - Let's go with it. - I love how people are nodding their heads. - They all know exactly what you're talking about. - In the '90s, Burger King had like Pokeball toys that came for like the movie that came out. And someone put it over, a kid put it over their nose and mouth and it suffocated them. - You know the ones that had the gold cards inside of them? - Or like smaller ones, but so they're collected. - All of those. - Yeah, me too. - I had 'em all, dude. Let's go. - Collecting, they put holes in the back of them now so it doesn't do that. Remember like the lip challenge that people were doing? - Yeah. - The same idea. - Got it. - So I'm shocked that many of them don't have that. So like you can just rip this thing right off your crank. - I don't think that they're planning on people fucking the life out of one. - You have to assume some dude out there is gonna try. - Yeah, a lot of people are like saying yes to that in the room, what is going on with the people in this room? - I imagine that when Eminem's as a company, Mars, I think-- - Mars, yeah, you're correct. - When they establish like, you know, listen. What if we make it in this too? One person had to have raised their hand and just say, guys, do we know what we're doing here? - Yeah. - And they said, you're a pervert. - Yeah. - And he was like, all right. - Yeah. - Fine. Uh, the one scientist at Mars was like, we gotta be really careful with what we're doing here. - I'm shocked. I'm shocked. - The person had to ask for help, butter and mash banana. That's a seasoned tube sex habit. - Yeah, yeah. - Like this person knows what they're doing. This ain't the first time this has happened. - Yeah. - His whole pantry. - You don't start-- - He's fucked everything. - Yeah, you don't start down the food pyramid and you land. - Yeah. - You landed that guy's pantry if you're a container of some sort, the tube of gif butter is like, first time in here. (laughing) - Welcome. - Yeah, you get used to it, don't you? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like, anyways, there's one final comment left by OP and he just said hospital. - Yeah. (laughing) - So, yeah, you gotta go. - You gotta go. - You gotta bite the bullet and you gotta go and be like, all right, listen. There's a cylinder somewhere on my body. - And you know the doctor's just like, just listen to me see it. The doctor has seen it before. - The doctor's probably so chill. - Yeah. - And it's just like, wow. - There's a lot of that that actually goes on. Like I know through someone that I know. - Sure. - Who's the doctor? - Okay. - Yeah, I'm trying to. - Yeah. - How do my breathing go away from me and I guess? - Goes to another school. - No, no. No, it's one of my brother's friends is the doctor and he used to tell him stories all the time. He's like, yeah, some guy came in. He's got like, something in his anal cavity. - Totally sick. - You know what I mean? So, these are probably, it's not that crazy if you're a doctor. You're like, yeah, okay, what do we got today, tube? - Yep. - Yeah. - Yeah, no. It's just normal for them. - I have any updates since or as far as we know they're still in the hospital. - They might still be there. The cylinder is, we don't know the state of the cylinder. - I have a question for you. - Yeah. - Say you do this. - Okay. - Where's this going? - All right. - You keeping that as like a relic collector. - Am I collecting the tube, I fuck? - This is full circle. It's not yogurt. But like, do you hold onto it and you just like keep it on your mantle and you're just like, I won. - You have to assume that the doctors are able to remove it without having to take it apart. - You put it back together. - He. - I'm throwing that thing away and I'm never telling anyone ever. - Really? - Also on the mantle with like your grandma's ashes. - Like, oh, so what's the M&M tube? - Yeah. - I wouldn't want anyone to ever see it or touch it. - You did it for you. You don't need to tell anyone. - I don't need that either. - It's just special. - No, no. That's a collection I definitely don't want. - Yeah. - Anyways, we're ending on that note. - Definitely. Thank you for saving that for us. - Of course. - No, I'm glad we did. Thank you guys so much. This was a blast. - Thank you. - This was a blast. I'm very excited. Your guys are gonna be on, or have already been on other stuff on Smosh. - Yes. - So I think you're gonna be on the games channel, Smosh Mouth. - Yeah, it's gonna be fun. - We're gonna have more fun. But this was awesome. - Thank you for having us. - Yeah, thank you. - Thank you so much. - Thank you for saving that wonderful story. - Of course. - And for giving Frank ideas as well. - Thank you so much. - I'm gonna text you pictures of exotic yogurts I find. - Okay. - I know. - Okay. - Oh, I thought you were about to say. - I thought you were about to say. - Oh, I'm not having sex with any two. - I'm gonna text you and I was like. - No. - No, no, no, no, no. - Okay, yogurts is fine. - But if you ever come over and you see a mini M&M tube on my mantel. - It's scared. - You know what happened. - I'll be very scared. - All right. Anyways, thank you both for being here. And thank you all for watching. And we'll see you next Saturday. Bye. Thanks again to DoorDash for sponsoring episode of Reddit Stories.