We Saved These Stories For Them w/ The Basement Yard | Reading Reddit Stories

This episode of Reddit Stories is sponsored by DoorDash. Got you delivered. DoorDash. Hello, and welcome to Smosh Reads Reddit Stories. I'm Shane, and today the theme doesn't really matter because we have two incredible guests joining us. From the basement yard, we have Joe and Frank here on the couch. Woo! Thanks for having us. Thank you for being here. I feel like we have been wanting this to happen for so long. Same. Like on any of our shows. I feel like we've shouted you guys out. I feel like you guys have talked about us occasionally. Yeah, as soon as we heard you say the basement yard, we were like, yeah, we've got to get over there. They've got a big audience. Yeah. I will say, I will say, I was a little afraid meeting you because I don't know if the cameras are adding the amount of muscle this dude is sitting here with, but last time we spoke about you, we wondered who would win in a fist fight. And I saw this, and Joe said he would drag me around the ring. Drag you around. So we didn't know. I was like, let's look up his height, weight, whatever. I was like, all right, all right. So like, just bicep curls? All right. All right, great. So we were afraid walking in that you were just going to walk in and full on just start decking us. Just fully open and just bam. Say it again. No, I am truly so excited. I am genuinely a fan. As are we, man. Courtney was the one who told me about your guys' podcast, and then we would listen to it a lot when we're on long drives and stuff. It's so fucking funny. Thank you, man. We're really excited. Well, great. You guys know Reddit. You know Reddit. You've been on two hot takes, so this is, you've already. Yeah, and honestly, like, I really appreciate people who are able to find the most insane things on Reddit. Yeah, our producers are incredible at this. And I hope you have therapists as well, because obviously reading some of this. I'm sure everyone does a little bit of therapy work here, you know. Yeah. They're therapizing each other. It's a nice community. Yeah. I have been told, I think we have a pretty legendary story in this one. Oh, no. One that's like very famous on Reddit. We're finally doing it. Okay. And I've been wanting to read it for years. You guys hailed it for us? Yes. Oh, my God. We've been holding it for a while. We're, like, waiting for the right moment, so. Don't fuck this up. Here we go. Yeah, I know. Do not mess this up. The pressure. Here we go. Our first story comes from Am I the Asshole? This was posted in 2019. Excellent year. Pre-COVID. Excellent. Yeah, excellent year. Wonderful vintage. Yeah. I hardly remember 2019, I feel like. It also doesn't, it seems like two years ago. Yeah. It's fucking a long time ago. Yeah, it's decades at this point. Truly. Seven years. Yeah. Yeah, even hearing that, I'm like, no, not seven. Stop, don't say that. Not seven. Okay. Am I the Asshole for throwing away my boyfriend's potentially illegal yogurt collection? Okay, so I did find this one. I found this one and I sent it. I was like, we gotta read this shit. I'm a 29-year-old woman. My boyfriend is a 30-year-old man. We've been living together for two years in a little studio in a very expensive big U.S. city. My boyfriend grew up rurally with lots of space, enough to collect all kinds of things. He collected action figures and video games and all the normal kid stuff when he was young. But as he grew older, he became interested in more unusual things. As a teen, he had eight guinea pigs of different types from different breeders. Since Tide Pods were released seven years ago, he's saved one of every kind of Tide Pod. He's got a big box of an international variety of electric insulators, those little ceramic hats that power lines wrap around on power poles. He's not a hoarder. He's usually neat. Just used to having. having lots of space for his bizarro collections. At his parents' ranch, he has two big rooms full of containers of weird and impressive things. He recently became interested in yogurt. He's always hated dairy products until about a year ago. He's not just started drinking milk and sharing ice cream with me, but he's found a love for yogurts. So he now collects them, of course. The problem is that they're perishable. So until earlier today, our little 550-square-foot studio contained about. 2,100 cups of yogurt. It comes in tons of varieties. Different types, flavors, textures, containers, made by different companies in different countries. This is like crack to my boyfriend. So he tried to pretty much save a sample of everything he could find. He filled our fridge, bought a new fridge, and then another tiny bedside fridge. He said he didn't want to walk to the fridge at night, but it was obviously a ruse to get more yogurt space. These. Okay. I think he's tricking me. Yeah. These fridges all filled up with his yogurts, and if you keep them for long, they smell bad. Sometimes the packaging breaks. So our apartment was smelling like rotten milk for the last two weeks, and my boyfriend's attitude was, oh, it's fine, and just deal with it for a little longer. Until I pulled the plug and threw it all out this morning. I was looking at my groceries, which I had to put beside the fridge because there was no space, and everything smelled like death. And then I kind of. And then I kind of snapped and threw it all away. My boyfriend is understandably upset. We've been arguing about whether I crossed a line by throwing away his stuff. And he's especially upset because he, of course, had rare yogurts that were hard to find. In particular, he had some Cuban and Iranian yogurts that you can't get in the U.S. Hell yeah. But I know that we have trade sanctions against Iran and Cuba, so I don't know if it was even legal for him to have them. I asked where he was from, and he said, where he got his Iranian yogurt. But he kept insisting, the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here. And that the real issue was me throwing out his precious yogurts without his permission. Am I the asshole here? Do I need R-slash-legal advice? Thanks in advance. I'm so exasperated. Well, let's start with. It sounds like these people need R-slash-help. Yeah, in general. You want to know what it sounds like? Yeah. Don't you dare. Don't you dare. He does this. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Is this you? No, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't. Not Iranian yogurt, obviously. I mean, I'll be honest with you. I might have to get in the yogurt game. This sounds pretty sick. I've never tried. I love yogurt. Big yogurt fans. You said yogurt. I saw Greg Quiver over there. Like, he was pumped about yogurt. Greg was like, fuck yeah, okay. First of all, this sounds like it is like a weapon of mass destruction. Like, when yogurt, it like inflates and stuff, and like, it'll pop. Oh, it gets gross. Remember those old fart bags when we were kids? Yeah. That's what. They're sitting on 2,000 of those. Wait, are you talking like a. You're not a whoopee cushion. You're talking like a fart bag. Do you remember those? You've never had fart bags? You've never heard of fart bags? You didn't have fart bags? Wait, where's your. Where's your fart bag? Where else? Please, show my hands. I grew up mostly in Arizona. Oh, Arizona sucks. Arizona, they would explode. It's too hot. It's too hot, yeah. I mean, it was a bag. It was a bag, and there was a cartoon guy farting super hard, and you would press it, and then it would start inflating, and then it would explode, and it would smell like shit. Like, what? I've never heard of this. Dude, you need to get your hands on some fart bags. I need to start collecting fart bags. He threw one in my apartment. Oh, yeah, I did. A couple. How recently? Oh, a couple years ago. He's a bad guy. He's also left that apartment. He's a bad guy. You had to leave because of the fart bags. Yes, those are them. Those are the fart bags. I've never seen these before. It's probably a good thing I didn't know about these. Just throw them on the company card. Get some fart bags in here. We're going to be having fart bags around here. It's a great bit because you do it, and you throw it back and forth like a hot potato. It explodes in your face. And it pops with might. Also, and it smells like. Because it's like the fart spray. I've heard about the fart spray. It's so bad. Yeah. It's so bad. Also, the glass ones. Do you ever have the glass ones? No. Did we just have, like, chemical warfare? You also have shrapnel? Or what was it? Well, here's the thing. Back to this. When this person was talking about, like, there's rooms and there's containers with. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. So you're a collector. You have containers. I am a collector of unable to throw outer. No, no, no, no, no. I'm a collector. First of all, I like to hold on to sentimental things. Sue me, everyone. Sue me. Sentimental yogurt. See, this is where it's getting at. I have gotten better. You know, I have, you know, kids, and they have a lot of stuff, and we have a lot of stuff. So, like, I've gotten better with getting rid of stuff. However, this guy's tapped in on the market. He understands that there are freaks out there. He might be one of them. Okay, whatever. I don't want to use the big freak word, but he's going to get it because of the yogurt. Yeah. He knows that people. He knows that people are going to buy that stuff eventually. No, he's not. He's not selling it, though. There's no way. He will. He shall. No, he won't. But it's perishable. It's already gone bad. Wait until. I think it said my boyfriend. I threw out my boyfriend's stuff. Wait until they've got to pay for a wedding. Then he'll get rid of his Gen 1, you know, Tide Pods, and he'll pay. If you can't marry me and my 2,000 containers of yogurt, you can't have me. This does sound like moving toward hoarderism. That was the hardest sentence I've ever said in my entire life. Move toward hoarderism. And it's also, we are already there. This guy is sprinting toward psychosis here. This is like, this is well beyond, like, collecting. Do you collect? Do you have anything that you love? I'm not. This isn't collecting. Collecting is like a, like, you know, I got, like, five packs. I have toys. I have Megazords and Spider-Man toys. Sue me. This is what it is. But those do appreciate in value. He's never going to sell them. But they're also not perishable. Correct. But they're also, they mean something. Like, they're cool. I also have, like, old beer cans in my fridge because it's rad. Okay. Do you have, like, one of each? No, I. What does that even mean? I don't even know what that means. You've never seen, like, the thing where people are, like. I'm collecting. You wake up in bed and just a bunch of beer cans. No, no, no. Like, you ever seen, like, the, like, garage, like, grandma's garage fridge finds where it's, like, a Star Wars can of Pepsi or something like that? What channel is that on? Yes. In Pittsburgh. Oh, like a 1998 something. Yes. Okay. Stuff like that. But when it comes to yogurt, we're going to have control here. If it's a special edition thing, I guess. If it's from Iran. If it's from Cuba. If it's from Cuba or Iran. Yeah. You will keep it. I love that he started collecting yogurt, so then he was like, I got to go international. Yeah, hey. See, I got to start expanding. but you gotta you gotta enjoy it like I think when it comes to foods and stuff I get like you get like something special like if you the only thing I compare it to is like a very special bottle of wine or something and people like hold on to it sometimes you hold on to it for too long and it's like I think it's important to like enjoy those things so it's like dude you got this Cuban yogurt have it I think the thing that should have happened here is he should have tried enjoyed the yogurt and kept like the foil that's a middle ground that's a smart and you can have like a stamp book of yogurt foil wrappers I love that I'm all in on that yeah you wanna worse somehow how is that worse wow cause the yogurt isn't the foil the yogurt is the yogurt and you've already eaten the yogurt it's the memory and then you have proof that you had it yeah you ate it it's in your body and then like it was part of you but you're gonna if someone if I went over to someone's house if I went over bro if I went to your house and you were like take a look at this book and I start opening it and it's just collected yogurt I'd be like I'm getting out of here you do nothing you do nothing you support me in my psychosis okay I was get out of there no you wouldn't okay but other other scenario you're 80 years old you're trying to tell your grandkids about how it's like I had this Iranian yogurt and they're just like he's fucking lying he definitely didn't they're not gonna say that they find his journal they go oh my god grandpa was telling the truth he really did have this I'm a simple man something that you will learn to come to learn about him is black hole in here that's not true you've been on the black hole of a heart that he had it's literally not true I believe that energy exists in items and like moments of time and stuff like that so like I I'll hold on to some things because I feel that they tell a story yeah well it's a gateway drug to 2000 yogurts in your apartment yeah there's a limit bro if you were single forget about it the house would be filled with things my wife does a lot to reel me in that's what I'm saying like if you were just left you know to my vices yeah if you were like just unleashed out of the yard running around there'd be a lot of stuff in your apartment see why do you have to compare me to an animal unleashed yeah do you collect anything uh I I'm kind of in a similar situation like you know my Courtney and I's place is not like big enough to like it I care more about having space than I do about collecting things like I love reading I love like having books I wish I could have like a library where I just keep all the books but I moved a couple times and I had a lot of books and I was like holy shit this is so much to move I'm getting rid of these I know what you want you want a ladder on wheels oh yeah I want that too I want to do the bell thing and just roll around yeah just like swing your leg like yeah like Stanley Tucci no I would love that just kick your foot off and just be like ah exactly exactly I'm on board the dream so you'll get there it starts with books it ends with Iranian yogurt absolutely no but like I was saying I'm a huge yogurt fan sweet I've been typically on skier what is that that's like the Icelandic do you open it up and it's like wet does it fart at you not like yogurt at all no I do I do but sometimes you open a yogurt and you're like oh god no no it's pretty like solid and then you stir it up and it's got like a good yeah like when you open it does it like spit at you a little bit just like I hate that you know what he's talking about what kind of yogurt are you having no I'm having that yogurt too I want a two pack hell yeah we got fart bags and spitting yogurt fart bags and spitting yogurt to put a button on this I don't think she's the asshole she's clearly in survival mode and had to get that place was a hazmat issue she did the right thing you gotta have balance like when you're living with someone of like this is my collection but this is also your space he's not respecting her space at all at all I will say I would have advised against throwing out all of them in fear of in fear of my life yeah because it's like this is clearly not it's true you're making a bold move this is an unstable thing that I could be doing yep yeah I don't think she's the asshole but it is like you're about to throw out she's brave you're gonna throw out this man's entire collection yeah you don't know how much money he spent on this it's at least $5,000 just if you're doing like typical yogurt math right yeah but then you don't know how much these rare yogurts cost yogurt's expensive the verdict is not the asshole comments the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here I hope it's not at some point in my life I find a way to seamlessly drop that into conversation someone said not the asshole seems like he is a hoarder hoarders who stock everything away neatly do exist and him having two rooms full with his collections and him even slightly thinking it's okay to keep old rotting yogurt speaks volumes not to mention those yogurts could turn it into a safety slash health hazard this isn't just him being used to having lots of space him buying two more fridges with who knows what kind of an excuse for that again speaks volumes not to mention him tolerating a smell of rotten milk again speaks volumes he clearly needs to work on this make sure that he gets some help because he definitely is a hoarder someone said info hi OP just one question what the fuck lastly someone said everyone sucks here but mostly he he sucks because he is a hoarder who filled your apartment with an utterly absurd collection of rotting milk and now has the gall to stomp his feet over you getting rid of it you threw out his shit with no warning if you'd made an ultimatum like you have two days to turn the yogurt collection into a collection of yogurt labels and throw out the rotting dairy or it all has to go in the trash I'd be like slay queen but as it is I'm assigning a small part of the blame to you so it's kind of what we said I love how people are breaking this down with like real like genuine there's always a redditor who like busts out the glasses like alright let me let me figure this thing out in today's world planning ahead isn't always top of mind but not having life insurance can leave families facing difficult financial uncertainty during already emotional times in many cases loved ones are left managing expenses debts or long term obligations without a clear plan in place life insurance is one way to help provide financial security and support when it's needed most that's where ethos comes in ethos makes getting life insurance fast and easy and it's 100% online you can get a quote within seconds apply in minutes and even get same day coverage there's no medical exam you just answer a few simple health questions online and coverage options are flexible with up to 3 million dollars available and some policies starting at around $30 a month ethos has also earned strong customer feedback with a 4.9 out of 5 star rating on trustpilot based on more than 5500 reviews as of August 2026 help protect your family with life insurance through ethos get your instant quote today at ethos.com that's ethos.com application times and rates may vary this episode of reddit stories is sponsored by doordash doordash makes showing up for the people you love easy got you delivered doordash order now smosh has been traveling around the world boston london montreal it has been amazing but i'm gonna be real with you those flights exhaust me you don't get substantial food it's crowded i'm tired and i just want to shower the first thing i do when i land back here in california is order from my favorite restaurant i use doordash because no one looks good when they get off an airplane i refuse to be in public so snuggling up on the couch with a few of my favorite dishes is the perfect way to end my trip i order at the moment i'm sitting in my rideshare back to my place and when i get home it's there waiting for me the relief i feel when doordash is there it's one less thing to think about maybe i'll convince the smosh team to have us tour a bit more what can i say i love my doordash ritual doordash makes showing up for the people you love easy got you delivered doordash order now back to the show let's move on to our next story that was a solid one though i read that story i was like this is incredible yeah that's wild now i want yogurt i really want to try cuban and iranian yogurt what was the one that was like uh it was like a like not spark plugs but it was like something like that oh yeah he collected uh what is that i don't know it was like the caps for transformers on power lines yeah how is he getting that yeah he's climbing what is going on he's climbing up and getting them i mean he's getting he's getting illegal yogurt on the dark web i'm sure that he's figuring out a way to get those uh what of your collections do you think is the most valuable thing you have um oh that's a great question my children okay um i am collecting collecting children we'll move on from that it is right now isolated to just my own uh no i would say seriously um i have three copies in box pokemon games so i have uh pokemon red blue and gold right now uh in box i bought them like pre pokemon boom and they are pre pokemon boom as in like the logan paul walking out with like a card on his neck and stuff like that i buy toys that like i had as we had as kids i don't know you didn't have fart bags so who knows what you played with okay yeah what do we do i have i do have like the original 151 pokemon card collection from back when i was a kid i thought he was gonna say 151 like the alcohol what i do i do have bacardi 151 he's like i got 151 after they discontinued i got i got i got a whole fridge full of bacardi 151 um and i'm not drinking it cool let me know if you ever want to sell that yeah well you have the whole first collection uh most of it yeah because like when i was a kid but like collecting over the course of the years like i'll get toys because i was a big power rangers kid and i will let my kids play with them because like to me the idea of like it just sitting there no one touches it so like i buy it the kids play with it i have a hard time with leaving something in a package right like i don't do that especially yogurt especially yogurt hell yeah gotta eat that yogurt i had yogurt this morning skier skier i had some skier skier it was incredible we need to get some of that norwegian yogurt yeah i don't know what's going on over here our next story comes from am i the asshole this was posted this year fresh am i the asshole for telling my best friend's stepbrother that he isn't a short king sorry dude you're six two yeah don't know what to tell you so this is a 25 year old man my best friend oliver who's a 21 year old man and i have been friends for 12 years honestly we're more like brothers i think it's funny my girlfriend naomi who's 25 and i are i think pretty average for height. She's 5'7", and I'm but Oliver and his girlfriend, Angela, who's 24, are on a whole other scale. Oliver is 6'7", and Angela is 6'2". We rarely talk about our heights, but I bring this up because it's important. Oliver and his stepbrother, Jim, who's 22, don't have a great relationship. They didn't really have the chance to interact. Oliver used to live with his mom while Jim lives with Oliver's dad and stepmom. Oliver would invite Jim to do stuff, but Jim never accepted. Anyway, Oliver's dad was having a little get-together yesterday, and he invited the kids that moved out and their parents, Oliver, Angela, Oliver's stepsister, who's 23, and her fiancé, a 25-year-old man, plus Naomi and I, and a couple other close friends. Jim kept coming over to me and telling me that short kings should stick together. He kept trying to say that he and I are short kings because Oliver is so tall, but we aren't. We aren't short. I'm 5'11". If I had to guess, I'd say he's around 6'1". After Oliver and Angela, he's the next tallest. We're tall. Oliver just happens to be extremely tall. Anyway, the sixth time Jim started telling me that, I straight up said, dude, you aren't a short king. You aren't even short. You're taller than almost everyone here. And I guess that pissed him off because he didn't talk to me for the rest of the get-together. I got an Instagram message from Jim this morning about how I humiliated him in front of his family and how he wanted an apology. I just left him on read. I told Oliver about it, and he said, I shouldn't apologize. Am I the asshole for saying my best friend's stepbrother isn't a short king? Well, how do you even? He's the only person that's like, no, I'm small. The only guy in the world is like, I just want to be tiny. Yeah, what are you talking about? I think short kings has become like such a community. This is just someone wanting to be in a community, and you're ripping that. Also, Oliver, short name. Just want to say that. Just want to throw that out there. He's 6'1". I know. He's 6'1". Oliver, when you close your eyes, neither of you close your eyes. Picture someone named Oliver. You stayed glued to you there. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm picturing a dog, honestly. Oh, I'm picturing like a little like British orphan, you know? You're thinking Oliver Twist. Oliver Twist, yeah. You're thinking of a hungry British guy. Yeah. It's like even if he was 5'11", I'd be like, oh, no, but all right. That brings up an incredible debate. Is short king, like, is it relative? Well, it is. It is. To the people around you? It is technically relative, right? Because it is based on just the average heights of human beings, and that varies by country. Like, you go to some of those Northern European countries where every guy is like 6'8", then yeah, like if you're 6'2", you are a short king. Yeah, we can't. We're not. They start their days with skier. Yeah, we can't. I think their urinals are like at our neckline. Like showers. Oh, what a lovely water fountain. Um, I just think it's funny that he's so mad that it's like, hey, man, I'm sorry, you're tall. Yeah. He's like, fuck, dude. I hate to break this to you, dude, but you're not a short king. What the fuck? The fuck are you saying, dude? It's like, you're embarrassing the whole family's here. What the fuck? You're embarrassing me. Oh. Yeah, I mean, I don't think it's relative to the people who are in the room. Yeah. I think it's like, bro, this guy is something. I don't know what he is, but he's not a normal person, 6'7". Yeah. What are you talking about? Yeah, it's ridiculous. I do think that we need to, like. Like, really pick what that word means. It's fair. Because it's like. It's all over the place. People are like, oh, no, it's a good thing. But it's like, but you're saying it in, like, a condescending way. For sure. So is it a good thing or a bad thing? I'm cool with Eber. Eber? Eber, who are you? Who is Eber? I don't know. I'm cool with Eber, but, like, we should know what's going on here. Because everyone would be like, you're a short king. And you're like, what the hell? And she's like, oh, it's a compliment. I'm like, I don't need this. But clearly this guy really does view it as, like, a good thing. And wants to be. Needs it, some would say. He desperately needs it. Absolutely. You got to wonder how this guy called him out. Because maybe that's a lot of it. I mean, we've all been there where, like, someone has gotten under our skin to the point where you're just like, you're just, just shut up. You're not a short king, dude. Six times also is outrageous. Yeah. Like, one time you're like, oh, okay, I get it because there's giants here. But then, like, six times you're like, dude, have another bit. Say anything else. I think maybe this guy just didn't feel connected to anybody in the room. And he's trying to relate to this guy. Exactly, yeah. And he's just like, here's our bit. And then for the guy to be like, fuck you, get out of my face. You can't do six in a row, though. Like, I don't belong to, yeah, no. Just grabs him by the collar. You're not. You're not. You're big. You're big. It's clearly, like, a community thing. Like, this dude wants to be, he just wants to get, like, the short king love. He wants to be something and someone. Yeah. Maybe he had some 151. Because that might get him a little emotional. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I swear to God, I'm short. I just don't want to be short, man. I'll never be that. Like, this tall dude. What was the tall dude's name? It was, like, Jim or something. Yeah, that's a tall name. I'll be honest with you, in the beginning of that story, I was like, if I have to memorize everything you just said, I'm failing. Sorry, we're talking about, Jim is the one who's 6'1". Jim, that's a tall, powerful name. Jim does sound like a tall man. Oliver. Jim. Jim. I am Jim. Jim. Yeah, like. It just hits, like, woodsy. It is woodsy. Yeah, lumberjack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is. And then Oliver. Yeah, what are we talking about? What are we doing here? He's wearing, like, an ascot. He's like, hello, what are you doing down there? Exactly, please, more, more. Yeah. The verdict is everyone sucks here. Yeah. Yeah, I also, I think that's fair, too. I wouldn't be the person who's like, we're not, like, what do I get out of that? Oh, my God. I'm not with you. You're not short. We have nothing in common. Yeah, yeah. I don't like you. See, if I could see myself being, like, I could see myself going home, not saying anything, going home, and just being like, oh, my God. But then I could see myself having a couple of drinks and just being like, you're just shut up, dude. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I would feel like I would try to, like, give it in, like, a more, like, soft way of being like, dude, like, hey, man, you're pretty tall. Yeah, like, you're big. That's cool. Like, you should love yourself for who you are. Like, yeah, dude. Yeah, you, like, you encourage him like a t-ball coach. You're like, no, you're good. No, you're good. You don't get him sporty. Yeah, no, you're good. You don't get up there. You don't jump. You're pretty good. You can probably touch ramp. I like to think of this guy who sticks one walking down the street. Whenever he sees, like, a really short guy, he's just so jealous. He's 6'1", going up to dudes who are 5'2", and be like, hey, buddy, me and you, right? Short kings. And they're like, fuck you. Am I right? Yeah, he's, like, getting down, like, hi. He's like, aren't we the same? Yeah. Comments. He was obviously making a stupid joke in comparison to Oliver's height. He probably thought it was hilarious to call y'all short in comparison to him. Since y'all aren't short, the joke could probably land once, but he wore it out. It sounds like you didn't pick up on the joke and took it too literally. Someone replied to that saying, I was also in the stupid joke camp. I am saddened if it wasn't a joke. Someone else replied saying, I'm sure most of us have encountered some random or a family member making a dumb joke and wore it out hours ago and either grin and say, yup, and keep it moving, or you're an asshole that snaps and says, it's not fucking funny. Okay, Ted, we got it the first five times you said it. You hurt Ted's feelings and embarrassed him, and all he was doing was trying to be funny. And then producer note under this, Emily wrote, wait, who's Ted? No, that's super fair. I think they were trying to just, like, infer, like, a different situation. Yeah, yeah. I mean, this just sounds like an absolute nightmare room to be in. Oh, yeah. This just, you're surrounded by giants, and then one person thinks they're a comedian. Yeah. You can't throw six in a row at me, because I will, at a certain point, be like, we heard it. Yeah. You know? I do, what I do understand in Jim's perspective is going to a party, especially, like, if it's, like, a family gathering, where you don't know anybody, but you kind of know one person, or you kind of have, like, one slight connection with one person, but you don't want to be that person just, like, is glued to them. But you're like, fuck, otherwise I'm stranded. Well, I think be a normal person and just follow them around like a dog. Like, don't just, like, say this joke ten times in a row. Yeah. You know what I mean? Just kind of, like, find your way, like, oh, okay. But, like, just kind of be in the vicinity. Yeah. But, I don't know, five jokes in a row. Even I would be like, all right. Like, I'm not that guy. Like, I'm not, like, I'm the type of person, I order food at a restaurant, it lands. Yeah. If it's not what I order, I'm like, ooh, delicious. I'll just eat it. Because I'm afraid to be like. I am that. Like, hey, I didn't order this, actually. But someone tells the same joke to me six times in a row, I'd be like, hey, got it. Hey. Enough. Yeah. But see, in that situation, you would look at me, and I'd be like, enough. This is not, like, that's the dynamic we got. Oh, okay. That's convenient. Frank could do something like this, but only if he said it, like, the second time, and someone was annoyed by it, you're getting a hundred of it. Oh. He's going to tell the joke a hundred times. Yeah, but, like, in a, like, a tongue-in-cheek reference. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like, when we were younger, there was a time where we hung out, and there was just a bunch of people we didn't know, and I decided I was going to laugh, like, you ever watch Arrested Development? Oh, yeah. Remember when Joe, where he's like, so, so, so, so, so, and I decided I was going to do that the whole night. Pissed everyone off. Didn't matter. Yeah, he did. Did not. Because you had a great night. Did not matter. Also, breaking up hula hoop games, that was, hula hoop contests, that was, but, like, he's got to commit. If you know you're being annoying, it's kind of funnier for you to know that everyone else finds you annoying. It, sometimes, if you're lucky, you can push far enough where it gets funny again. Yes. So, maybe Jim needed to hit that eighth or ninth time where you find the sweet spot. Listen, Frank will dig through the center of the earth to find that funny again, because the second one is, like, funnier than the first time, but you've really got to push through, but it's a tough road. The thing, it was his bachelor party, and we were. We were in Austin, and we were at a bar, and it was, like, this outdoor place. There was a slide, and then there was, like, people doing a hula hoop. What's going on, by the way? Contest, yeah. But they were, like, doing, like, a hula hoop thing, and Frank would just walk by and pretend to be, like, calling for someone or looking, and, like, knock into people's hula hoops. Oh, you're just ruining their time. Yeah, strangers, strangers. And, like, the first time, it was funny. Second, third? First time was a mistake, and he's like, oh, that got everyone to laugh? Guess what? No one's hula hooping. This is their one time a year where they get to get together and hula hoop. It got to the point where he told me, like, you're becoming a liability. I was like, Frank, we have to leave now. I think I turned to someone else. I'm like, I'm leaving him here. I don't care. I can't be around this. That's tough because you're the groom, so it's like, okay, we have to let him do stuff. I'm not above leaving the groom. They had to laugh at me. We had to stop you. Yeah. Lastly, someone said, everyone sucks here. Y'all too old for this. And the last comment, you all need to touch grass. Damn. Hit him with that. Probably very easy for Jim because he thinks he's so small. He's like, oh, you can get right there. Oh, it's just right there. It's not far. It's difficult for Oliver who has to, like, get on all fours. Oh, breaks his back getting down there. Being 6'7 is a joke. That's a joke. It's silly. Like, come on. Because you guys met Rhett and Link, and, like, Rhett, you see him, and it's like, what are you doing up there? I didn't like that. No, it's not good. I don't like that. Because there's two of them. I will tell you this right now. The camera takes away, like, six inches from someone's height. 100%. Because we have met several people, and, like, we're like, who, both Rhett and Link, we did some stuff with Dr. Mike. He's tall. Yeah. So many tall people. You never really realize with YouTubers. You don't. Because they're mostly, they're sitting down. You don't really get a gauge of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You meet them, and it's always shocking. Yeah. Dude, Rhett and Link, I just didn't really like that. It's scary. We walked in. I'm like, both? Both of you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Like, I get it, one of you, but both? Like, what are the chances of this? No, truly working there, because we were working, like, in their same studio for a couple years, and you'd be, like, in a room doing something, and suddenly you'd turn around, and he would truly come through the door like Gandalf. Yeah. In fellowship. We'd be like, you're like, hello there. You're like, ah! We were in Mythical last year, and we met the first time, and the first thing we said, we were like, fuck, dude, these guys are so tall. And then I came back for, like, this Golden Globes thing, right, and you had to wear like a suit and, like, dress nice. So I'm in the hotel room with Greg, and I wore a burgundy suit, and I was like, in my head, I didn't say it out loud, but in my head, I'm like, there's a chance that the staff is wearing this color. Like, it's just one of those colors. Sure enough, when I got there, the staff was wearing the color, and I was like, great. The first people we see, Rhett and Link. I'm like, Jesus! Now I'm dressed like the staff, and I look like I'm an ant. I'm like, this is a horrible night. It's tough, man. It's tough out here. It's tough for him. It's tough for him. Those are really tough nightclubs. Not for me. All right, let's move on to our next story. This next one comes from Am I the Asshole? This was posted in November of 2024. Guy on New York City subway refused to move his satchel from the seat next to him so I can sit. Am I the asshole for sitting anyway? I boarded the train after work during peak. It took me an hour. I noticed there was only one potential seat left in the train car. This well-kept guy had a double seat to himself, wearing good slacks, designer leather shoes, and a trench coat. He was sitting in the middle and had placed his satchel on the left of him. There was space next to his right, but not enough for me to sit comfortably. I tried to get his attention so I can ask him to move over. He had his earbuds on and looked straight ahead as I waved. I knew he could see me, so I leaned a bit over to be more in his field of view. It took his sweet time to look up at me. I politely asked for him to move a bit over so I could sit. He looked at me up and down, down and up, actively checking me out before saying, For you, I'd rather not. I am a diagnostic medical sonographer. Having just got off a 10-hour shift at my hospital, I had a long day which included finding advanced cancer in an 8-year-old. I wanted to sit, and I said, Excuse me, seats aren't for your bag or for you to hog to your self. He again checks me out in disgust before saying, I'm not arguing about a seat, especially with you looking like that. How was I looking? Tired, with my hair up in a messy bun. I'm somewhat average built, thick legs, tall, in case you were wondering. So I said, I worked a long day, just like you, and there's no way you're implying that your bag is going to occupy a seat before a paying passenger. The vibe he was giving was very much a, you're not worthy to be in my presence, let alone sit next to me, peasant vibe. I was taken aback. To be frank, he said, like I already told you, I'm not arguing over a seat, and then proceeded to stare ahead into the abyss again, in the attempt to ignore me. The bitch switch was flipped at that point. That empty space to his right, I decided to wedge myself in. I was sitting one way or another, and as I got to do so, he slides over so I end up brushing his lap, and tried to push me from behind so I'd fall face first. He was on that type of petty time, and I had the time too. He was short. He was short, definitely not as strong as me, so I stood my ground and wouldn't let him shove me face first. He's actively pushing me forward, and I'm forcing myself to stay in place. In the scuffle, his man purse fell, and the seat to his left was now completely available. So I sat, like musical chairs. And boy, did he not like that I won a seat. He grabbed his man purse from the floor, and decided to stand in front of me. I assumed to try and assert his frail male ego, I mean dominance, over me. After a shouting match, in which he quickly realized that I wasn't going to back down from, he then continued to go on a whole rant to himself about, bitches gotta respect when they're not given a seat, and a bitch like me is probably ran through, and no man wants bitches like that. Oh, and the fat bitches like me should be walking home, not taking a train. I'm sorry. What is going on? I don't know. This is New York City. No. Sorry, I consume food and not crack, sir. I looked him dead in his eye, and laughed at him the entire time. He also did not like that. But I definitely- I definitely wasn't going to have him think I wouldn't bust his ass if it came down to it. I grew up with boys, and I definitely could have taken on his oompa loompa self. He ranted on and off throughout the entire 35-minute train ride. Before he got off, he said, don't get passed around too much this holiday. And I laughed and said, you must have me confused for your mama, sir. Have a nice Thanksgiving. Am I the asshole for making my way into a seat I essentially paid for? It's the greatest city in the world. That is why you live in New York. Yeah. You want that. See, I understand why New York City could be overwhelming and scary for people. Because of stories like that. The subway is, at times, the Wild West. Totally. That is insanity, though. I mean, we've seen some stuff on the subway. That is- I could tell you, as someone who grew up taking the subway, if I go to sit down, and someone is like, no, I'm getting off the train. Because clearly there's something going on here, and there's psychos on the train. So I'm not going to play this game. I'm certainly not going to assert myself and sit on his purse or whatever she said. She's tired, though. She worked at- Yeah. She gave her background of, like, the day she's had. She's like, I found- She's like, I- I think she knew that she was, like, going to get to the point where she was also giving it back to this guy. And she'd be like, you know, I did find cancer in an eight-year-old, so, like, let's take it with that as well. Yeah. I'm assuming she's in, like, scrubs or, like, medical- Assuming, yeah. And I'm like, damn, so you're really going to, like, deny a medical professional? How far we've come from when they were, you know, the New York was, like, their heroes, and now he's calling her a bitch. It's literally- And it's also, like, that scene in Harry Potter where Voldemort and Harry Potter are, like, their wands are at each other, and it's like, they're, like, pushing each other. And she's like, I'm bigger than you. And he's like, I've got a purse, and I'm a man. Yeah. From my perspective, he's, like, pushing her butt. Like, she's, like, fighting back. Yeah. And it's like, okay, wow. All right. I literally like musicals. She also was trying to paint a very comedic picture. She's like, his man purse fell. Like, yeah. All right. She was short. What was he saying? He was short and small and not strong. Yeah. And also not strong. Yeah. Yeah, no, she hates this man. I mean, I do, too, from the sound of it. And what was his rule? He said something, don't be bitches for bitches be bitches or something. Bitches got to respect when you deny them a seat. He started throwing out poetry. Right. Clearly, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was a beautiful haiku. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had written those down. Yeah. He got them from somewhere. But I'd love to see what kind of podcast he listens to. Right. I think the L.A. equivalent is, like, when you're driving. Like, drivers in L.A. are crazy. When someone's doing some insane shit, I'm like, you know what? I'm not going to try to win here because you might have a gun. Yeah. And I'm scared of you. Yeah. So I kind of am. Like, I let people get away with shit sometimes. Subway's one of those places, like, it's like, you ever see the thing where it's like there's rules to, like, picking the urinal in a bathroom? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, if there is one seat open between two other people, leave it alone. Yeah. You don't take that. Really? Because you don't know why that's open. There's oftentimes you'll get on the subway and you'll see, like, a puddle of liquid of some sort. So, like, it's just best if you see. Might be for your own safety. Exactly. So it's kind of. They're, like, warning you. People also say that if you get on the, if you get in a train car and there's a lot of open seats. Get out. Also a problem. It's like, what's going on here? Too good to be true. What's going on here? It's tough because, like, people that move into the city, they have to learn that. But, like, you learn it very, very quickly. Like, we grew up and it was, like, characters, man. Yeah. Character. Like, literally, like, what you see online where, like, you'll sit down and there will be people, like, doing, like, breakdance flips in your face and stuff like that. That's awesome. Literally doing, like. I love it. Yeah. Like a backflip and it's, like, touching the, like, the hair of your nose. And you're like. They never hit anybody. It brushes your front hairs. Literally. That's so cool. Have you been on a subway at the time? Yeah, yeah. - I've been on the subway in New York several times. just intimidating i mean new york in general intimidates me because i've grown up completely in the southwest where there's just so much space um you're never like boxing with other people like moving around so like in new york immediately you come out and you're just in crowds constantly and everybody's so used to it but in la we meet people like every person you see you kind of give the like hey how's it going like whatever blah blah you have to stop doing that immediately in new york because nobody's doing it to you yeah and also you run into 20 people immediately within the first five seconds right yeah you can't say hello to 20 people on the street you cannot also i remember like one of the first times i was in denver i was walking around and some random lady was like good morning i was like the fuck is that yeah yeah no what does she want what is it what i i don't have anything what do you know i was like i was like yo we just left our airbnb and she said good morning like she's coming back tonight like she knows she knows we're staying there this is colorado it's you're up in the west you're up in the west you're up in the west you're up in the iraqis you may not see someone for two weeks yeah you get lost yeah i was like the fuck what is good morning what is that that doesn't make sense yeah because i don't think i heard a good morning until i left like 18 when i went to college yeah everything before that was just like just grunts totally you know oh or just nothing i remember the first time like i was in new york and i went to like a cvs i need to just get some like random shit and i truly was like oh thank you and i think the cashier just looked at me dead in the face just like well like those pleasantries at a certain point you get so tired inefficient it's just like don't don't please me don't thank you because you're not getting it back and it's kind of refreshing i was like this is cool you guys it's there's almost more of a connection between new yorkers in that way i mean think about it like this how long does it take you to say thank you half a second but think of a half a second times 400 000 a day that's a lot of seconds it's very true so like new yorkers are just like efficient you know like we don't need this we don't yeah pleasantries this episode of reddit stories is it's time to get your dorm ready or give your space a little summer refresh after a busy summer i love getting everything back in order and there's no better time to spruce up my place before the holiday season begins that's why i use wayfair wayfair's furniture is built for everyday use and is designed to last i recently got a new desk from them and it feels incredibly durable and high quality i was able to find a piece that perfectly matched my style without going over budget wayfair makes shopping so easy with helpful search filters and over two million verified five-star reviews from real 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don't even know what that means yeah just like pull up your pants and like square up a lot of comments are thinking this story is fake yeah i honestly got that a little yeah someone else said you don't sound like you're from new york city this this argument wasn't that significant i've seen far more interesting things with no recording happening including recently a far more dramatic seat related one i'm not sure if it actually happened or not but your reasoning doesn't match the reality i've heard so many of times someone said to be honest this sounds perfectly philly to me oh dude philly is another world yeah i've heard philly is another world i've never been to philly but sucks i mean he said it i don't know if any philly people in the house we apologize i just hate philly like sports so well yeah they win the super bowl and they destroy the city but also the last time i was in philly i got sick and i was like this fucking city they fucking did this to me and i was just like this yeah and he got a flat tire same time i was like yeah we were like let's find a way to blame philly for everything it's a very interesting place i will say the line about like where he's like don't get passed around during the holiday season he was sitting there and he was thinking so hard like i need to absolutely eviscerate her yeah and he came up with that no he's sucked yeah no he's don't have a lot of sex over the holiday what yeah yeah the fuck am i supposed to be hurt by this lastly someone said fellow new york city uh strap hanger not the day he knows better than that that guy is lucky that you weren't a crazy person to be honest i usually don't get into it with random people on the mta because you never know if someone is unwell yeah i mean there there have been videos that have come out of like crazy stuff so oh yeah just do you're not gonna whatever i'll stand you know totally i'd also rather stand because there's the whole thing when you have a seat at least for me like when i have a seat i'm like first of all when the when the train is packed you got everyone's balls and i they're right here i'm like i'm good i don't need this for sure and people are like leaning because the train is why are the balls at your eye line because i'm sitting down and they're standing and they're all six seven yeah that's right they're all really tall it's like everyone's crotch is right there i'm like i'm good but also then you get into this thing where you want to offer your seat for somebody like i remember when i was in high school i would sit on when i would get on the bus it would be kind of packed sometimes and a woman would get on the bus and i'm like 17 years old and this woman i don't know maybe she was like 40 or something but i'm like do i get up or is she gonna be offended that i think she's like geriatric like hey sit down grandma are you okay yeah yeah so i'm like hold your hand i'm overthinking too much so i'm like i just i'll just stand everywhere there's also i mean the typical thing with being on any form of public transportation is like when you're sitting this close to someone like when it stops you guys are gonna like bang together and rattle together so just stand up just stand up and hold the pole that has every germ imaginable on it and then lick your hand after lick your hand let's build the immune system character yeah get acclimated exactly exactly you know what i mean it's part of the new york experience who doesn't love some cholera or whatever yeah what the fuck is that a new one don't you know cholera's been around cool i'm not gonna tell you about it go figure it out all right our next story comes from am i the asshole posted in november of 2023 it's a solid year i mean yeah i don't know what happened i don't remember barbie barbenheimer oh barbenheimer jesus was that three years ago will be i haven't seen either of them it will be they're good it seems messed up that you didn't watch barbie we watched barbie for the culture obviously yeah sure so out of respect for someone here if you don't watch barbie you hate women just want to tell you i want a lawyer am i the asshole for causing a scene after i a 23 year old man lost a costume contest to a dog three put the age of the dog in there uh three uh which is around the same age so they're they're they're they're peers um we actually read this story about a year ago uh in one of our live shows but we didn't tape it so i'm very excited to be reading this here okay it's an incredible one i am genuinely losing my mind here so i love halloween i love making costumes and put a lot of effort into it my friend hosted a big halloween party at her place and said there would be a costume contest for who had the best halloween costume under fifty dollars third and second place would win twenty-five dollars for a costume and first would win fifty dollars so not a huge money prize but enough to offset the price of the costume and to me it was more about the fun of the game i wanted to win so i pulled out all the stops and win a zoro from one piece and only had to buy forty dollars worth of material when i got to the party i saw other costumes and there were some fierce competitors but honestly i think i had the best costume i thought maybe it was too obscure to people who don't know anything about anime and that might not go well but it was a good costume when the winners were announced i got seven seconds this bummed me out kind of but hey i still did well and again if i had went with something more ubiquitous maybe people would have got it however the issue arose when they announced first place first place was a dog dressed like a pirate in one of those shitty party city pirate costumes so if i had lost to another person i wouldn't have cared but i had a few drinks in me and my inhibitions were lowered and it was a fucking dog yeah so i out loud asked the host really the dog one and she said yes and was gushing about how cutie looked i said that it was a dog and it didn't even have a say in what it was going as. I told her that this didn't seem exactly fair. She told me to lighten up and that it was supposed to be fun. I told her that it's ridiculous she's about to give the $50 prize to the owner for spending 20 bucks on a cheap Walmart dog costume when me and whoever was in third place actually made our costumes. She got mad that I called her ridiculous and things kind of escalated into a full-blown argument that required my friend breaking us up. I was then kicked out of the party for embarrassing the host like that. So I don't think I'm the asshole because like obviously that's not fair. If it was a dog costume contest but having a bunch of people compete and lose to someone's inbred bulldog is so fucking unfair. I think I was justified in saying what I said. People there said that I should have just taken the 25 and called it a day. Am I the asshole? This is an I think you should leave sketch. Oh yeah 100%. It's a the fucking dog one? What the fuck is he even wearing? He's a fucking dog. The dog can't even speak. Dude that is so funny. Just digging your heels in. I am I am on board with this person. They are absolutely not the asshole. Yeah. I am I would have been right there and I would have been veins popping out of my head screaming it's a fucking dog. You'd have joined his pirate crew. I would have been so mad. You have to imagine he's drunk dressed as Zorro from One Piece. Yeah. Fighting people. I like the pride that goes into putting a costume together. It's true. You put work into it and to just be absolutely oh I'm angry for this person. I think there's something hilarious about you're going to a costume party and then as soon as you get in there you size everyone up being like no I got this shit. Yeah. It's like bro it's supposed to be fun. Like what are we doing? It's for $50. Yeah. Like yeah the the the first place prize you win your money back. Right? Like that's kind of all it is because like okay it has to be under $50 if you spend $50. The dollar amount doesn't matter. It's about pride. It's pride. Oh he doesn't give a shit. It is 100% about pride. If I lose to a dog in anything costume related I am absolutely I mean it was like losing in a race. Yeah. Yeah. If I get outrun by a dog I'm like I think you're you should expect that. Anything costume related there's one thing that you could possibly. Scorched earth. Specifically dog. Scorched earth. I'm absolutely. And everyone at the party is getting it. If I see anyone defending that dog your costume sucks. You suck. Every single person there. It's like shut the fuck up. Batman who asked you? Dumbass. Stay out of this Green Lantern. This is between pirates right now. Yeah. Yeah because the dog is also a pirate. He lost to another pirate but like a shitty pirate. Dude and also getting kicked out like on the way out I'm just imagining am I fucking nuts? Yeah. It's a dog. Yeah. Like the kicking and screaming. Just hear him in the background. Dragged out of a party while the dog is just sitting there chewing on a bone or something. Yeah. Everyone's like having fun and like talking and like having drinks and he's like is no one upset about this? We're being robbed. There's a conspiracy going on here. I mean it would have gotten and I'm a I'm a huge dog lover. Yeah. I love animals. In that moment I would have hated every dog on the planet because it would have been an affront to the human race. Yeah. You've won a costume contest right? I have won a costume contest. What did you dress up as? Yeah that's a good question. I've won two costume contests. Holy shit. Yeah. What was the second one? First one was at our. You should let a dog win one. It was at like our. You got two in the back. Jesus Christ man. No I would have been so pissed. It was at like our second grade Halloween and I dressed up as Goldberg from WCW. Wait second grade? Yeah. Where? In a class? No we had like the Halloween dance at school and I was Goldberg and I won because I was in character. I was giant and bald. Yeah. I was in character. That's why I won. I was walking around. I was like, you know. Okay. And then I won, I can't remember exactly what I dressed up as. Oh, you know what? It's coming to me right now. He was Two-Face. Yeah. Okay. Which one? Like from Dark Knight? Like Aaron Eckhart. Okay, yeah, yeah. So it was like, it was a really good costume. So he was wearing a shirt and it was like, he like burned it. So it was like half burned or whatever. And the pants, I like lit them, legit like lit them on fire with Axe body spray. Most importantly, half his face as well was. No, no, no. Nope. We're very careful with what we say. It was a dark red, but in pictures it can appear to be darker. Yes. Ah, got it. So if you see a picture of it, you're like, what are you, Frank? It was a, it was a. And you won first place. I won. And let me tell you something. The judges. And if I had lost. Devastating. To a dog. The dog just with a Riddler hat on. I mean, I remember, it was at a box. Rob. What the fuck? I was at a bar and it was like, the, the prize was like, it was like $200 in a bar. Oh, okay. Damn. Yeah. And I had drank enough to warrant needing that. Bacardi 151. It will get you. You know, but I, I did win. And I remember the other people there were like, like party city costumes. It was like dressed up as like Smurfs and stuff like that. Yeah, he walked in there and he blew the roof off, honestly. You cared. You also, you dressed as something. You were. I just put on like a wig. A wig and glasses. Are you not a big costume guy? I, I mean, I didn't know that we were going out that day. Oh. So I was like, oh. That's tough. He's not, he's not. He's not a big Halloween guy. I'm not a big, I'm not a big costume person either. Because we dress up so much here that I'm like, I don't want to, I don't want to. That's fair. This is my job. I'm like, yeah. I'm not like a huge Halloween person, but if I'm going to something, I think that you have to like dress up. Oh, yeah. Like I'm not going to go and just dress like this and everyone's in costume. I'm not going to do that. I'm above it. Like not. I, I got to be respectful, but I'm not going to, I'm not typically the one to put in a ton of effort. Are there, are there any costumes you've put like effort into that you're super proud of? Uh, there was a year, a couple of years ago, uh, I mean, my wife really helped me like get into it. Uh, the, the Ryan Gosling from, uh, from, uh, Blade Runner. Hmm. So you just dressed up as another good looking white guy? Okay. No, we did like, we did the whole makeup and like, we got the like. Oh, like a little blood on the side of his mouth. Hey, it was a whole thing. I had a, I had a nosebleed and I was hot. We did some specific stuff. Who are you? Punched in the face? No, I'm Ryan Gosling. Okay. Shit. The verdict was asshole. The verdict was like, hey dude. I forget what story we're on now. We're on the dog. Dog. Oh yeah, yeah. You lost to a dog. Oh my God, yes. Hey, you gotta, you gotta kind of, you gotta take it. Yes. This was their, look, they didn't establish a ton of rules, but you know, the rules weren't laid out in writing. Yeah. It was just like, hey, it's a costume costume. Now, if I, if I am going into a costume contest and they tell me a dog is competing, I'm pulling out because you're going to lose. Yeah. Dog is going to win. Yeah. He's the asshole because he took it too far. No. Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, you're there for the party. It's not to win $50. Oh, that seemed to be all he cared about. Yeah. I have a question. Does this make me the asshole that like, it also would have depended on the type of dog? Well, it's a bulldog. I love bulldogs. Love them. But like, if I lost to like a Pomeranian or a Chihuahua, I am furious. Oh. If it's like a, if it's a golden dude. Or like a Labrador or something like that. I'm less angry, still furious. Comments. You're the asshole. I respect the work you put into your costume for the money you saved doing so. I also understand that you were frustrated with the whole situation and the alcohol didn't help. But here's the thing. You lost to a dog. Get over it. Your friend clearly likes dogs over people. And regardless of what the dog was dressed as, it probably would have won anyway. You recouped some of the money you spent. Apologize to your friend, the dog's owner, and anyone else you got into an argument with. There will be other Halloween parties in the future. Maybe just except the dog. He invites for ones that are no pets allowed. Someone else said, why did you think that the dog wouldn't win? It's a dog dressed like a pirate. You're a dude dressed up like a dude. Of course the dog. Of course the dog was going to win. If you had dressed like a dog, you might have won. You're the asshole. I love that he also, he was so mad he came home and he wrote this out. Also gave the alternative. Like, if it was a dog contest and I pulled up and I was Zorro and I won. It's like, all right, dude. Valid. You're going crazy. Be honest. Yeah. Would you be angry? I'm trying to put myself in these shoes because I wouldn't compete because I don't care. Because you don't care. Yeah, yeah. Trying to lace up these boots. If I, sure, I'd be maybe a little annoyed, but I wouldn't, I would not say anything. I would not be frustrated enough to say anything. The only possible way that I would be upset at something like this is if the prize was legitimate. Oh, yeah. Like, if it was like a thousand bucks and you gave it to a dog, I'd be like, bro, what are we doing here? Yeah. Like, it's like. But it's $50. I think I also, I also love dogs. So if I saw a dog in a Paracostal, I'd be like, you got to give him first place. Yeah, yeah. Like, look at this, look at this, look at this little guy. Any other place but second also, I'd be like, how are you going to give it to that guy when this dog is right here? Yeah. Exactly. You guys are better people than I am. It's also kind of an equalizer. If at the party you're like worried of like, I hope people aren't mad at each other for who got first place. Give it to the dog so that nobody's mad at you. Like, it's just like, oh, we all lost to this dog. Yeah, yeah. You can't be mad at the dog. And it's just. It's $50. It's $50. But the dog isn't getting the $50. It's its owner is getting the $50. And he's going to use it on who knows what. I mean, it's fine. It's fine. And so if I will say this, I will recant and apologize if the guy, if the owner, man or woman, or however they choose to identify, says like, I used that $50 to buy the dog a treat or food. Then I'm like, you know what? Okay, you did the right thing. But if they're just like, oh, look, we went out to lunch and I had a steak sandwich. That's doubling my anger. So you care what the people spend their money on? Absolutely. Because that's my money they took. What's funny about this guy is he's not mad at the dog's owner. He's mad at the dog. He is mad. Who even let this piece of shit in here? All right, let's move on. Our next story comes from Am I the Asshole? Another one from 2019. Am I the asshole for telling a friend's friend that he couldn't keep the jackpot that he hit on my antique slot machine? About $700. I'm serious. I thought it was going to be like $700,000. Because you said jackpot. Well, a jackpot on like a little antique slot machine. Okay. That he had in his house. $700. I'm aware of this story. I have read this story before long ago. It is a good one. I had a party at my house last night. I have an antique slot machine from the 1940s that is in absolutely spotless and working condition in my living room. My grandma was a showgirl. She got it while dating a count room guy prior to meeting my grandpa. Over the years, people have played it and maybe won a few quarters here and there. Maybe a max of $50 at a time. As far as I know, the jackpot was never hit on it. So however it works, there was probably about $700 in the jackpot reserve that had built up over the years. I'd never bothered to have it cleaned out since it just seemed like a fun novelty. Well, a friend's friend hit the jackpot last night. I was fucking floored when he legit thought he could keep my $700. His case was he'd been playing with his own money and I would have kept his quarters. My argument was I'd be happy to give him his quarters back if he'd asked. But I'm not a casino. So I'm not a casino. While I'm not destitute, I can't afford to give someone $700. Argument caused the party to wind down and one of my best guy friends basically told the guy he'd be in real shit if he tried to leave with the money. But the guy left threatening to come back with the cops and sue me in small claims court. I have no idea if that was realistic, but no cops came back. So was I the asshole for not letting him keep the money? This is crazy. What kind of person is this? That is. We've got all sorts of like different sorts of like old school villains. Like guy who collects yogurt. Yeah, yeah. Guy who hates dogs. From like the Batman 60s. The gambler. Come in here and leave your money, but don't win it and I can't give you, like what are we doing? Yeah. It's not your money. I'm not a casino, correct. So you have a collection of people's money. You're a thief is what you are. I wish I could ask a lawyer though, if cops come back, he's like, I was gambling. Like, aren't you all in trouble? Like, is it? Yeah, exactly. Excuse me, authorities. We just ran an illegal gambling ring. I have a slot machine that isn't that, you would get in trouble if you're operating it. I don't know. I don't know that shit. I kind of agree with you. I would need to know. Now I would be pissed. There's a lot of different situations. If I had the slot machine in my house and I was just putting quarters in it every day and then a friend came over and put one quarter in and then won all the money that I had been putting into it. I'd be like, hey, like that's, I've been putting money into this thing. Right, right. But it's also like. I mean, but if you as the owner of the slot machine are allowing other people to play, you are in theory like relinquishing the opportunity that they might win. It might be a really small percentage. You would need to keep tabs on who all is putting money. So like either you don't let them play and they don't get anything in there or you do let them play and they get the opportunity to win it, right? It might create, and it's $700. Like that's a lot of money. That's a lot of money. $700 in quarters too. And they're like doing that with the shirt where they're like, oh, oh, they're like, whoa. You need to walk over to them and be like, why don't we get you a steak dinner, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Walk off with them. Yeah, we'll count that for you. I'm thinking about the feng shui of this living room. Yeah, where is it? 'Cause this has gotta be a pretty decent size slot machine. Dude, you know how good it probably feels to crank that son of a bitch down? A 1940s one, well they do, you still can crank them. You can also just press the button. Stupid. Just fake. Dumb. I hate the button. I need the old school ones. Even the computerized ones, I'm like, these are, they're rigged, I'm never gonna win anything. I'd like to crank pretty much everything. Whoa. On camera? Nope. Pretty much everything though. Like if I could turn on the electricity of my house with that like switch, like that, I'm into that. Like the Tower of Terror. Yeah, like Frankenstein, like that kind of thing. No, it like sucks, like, I think about this with like modern cars, how it's all like electric panel stuff. I miss like, you wanna, I wanna like dial things. We have said this, we have lost out on buttons, levers. Dude, levers are so sick. I love levers. We need them. I also like the roll down of like. Oh yeah. What the fuck are you saying? I want that as an option. Because if I'm gonna yell at someone, the effort going into rolling this down. Oh yeah. It makes it more like, you know what I need? You can keep everything. Give me back the phone. Give me back the, what? Fucking, and just hang it up. Yeah, hang it up. Slam it down, or like a payphone, and you're just beating the payphone. It's not the same, like being able to just be like, what, bang, and then just the sound of the click. Or like, even a flip, like if we have to go there, like that's fine. Or even like the old phones, like you can just, what, bang, bang, bang. You're like, yeah, dialing in. Yeah, like I, I slam it like, you know, De Niro. We have nowhere to put our rage nowadays. I know, dude, I mean, slamming, I've done that so many times, just 'cause like I just, it's for fun, like I'm like in a movie. You just press the button on your iPhone, and then just. Well, the iPhone is so whack. You just break it. It's like, all right, whatever. It sucks. It does nothing for me. Yeah, it sucks. It sucks. Let me throw this. I mean, pillows, pillows get a lot of it in, you know, in my house. No, but you're talking about like-- Scream into a pillow? Tough, like, like buttons and dial, like. Yes. Like clicking things and stuff. You know, I don't know. Oh, keyboards, smashing keyboards. I love so many keyboards. Someone was showing like, oh, for their baby, they made one of those like busy boards where it's a bunch of like things. And I remember, I remember looking at it and being envious of this baby. Yes. Of like, I miss that. Dude. I want that. They have one where it like, it has like buttons, a knob, you know, like a, like a dial that like clicks. I have that. And I, do you? I have one, yeah. I legitimately have one of these squares. My sister bought it for me. No, it's fucking awesome. I mean, look, I still drive like a 2012 Honda Civic, so it's still got all the buttons and shit. And I'm like, this is prime. Yeah. This is, this is luxury now. Absolutely volume should be on a, on a. Oh. Yeah. Just to, just to like this. I don't want to just be like. Oh my God. Or, or this. You know how like some of the steering wheels have like the volume of control on there? Yeah, I'm not into it. Bring us back to the times where we could crank. Rank it. Yeah. So maybe you could argue if you are operating this, this slot machine, but you need to have this in writing of like, hey, you are paying money to experience the joy of the crank. I, I. It's not about gambling. There's so many other ways to explain that. You get to crank it if you, for, for. You want to enjoy this crank? Right in my living room? Give me a quarter. Yeah. Also. Are you cranking it in my living room? Grandma, former show girl. We know what that was. What's going on? Fuck yeah, that's awesome. In the forties? You know grandpa hated that slot machine. Yeah, yeah. He's like, this is my most prized possession. Got it from my ex. And he's just like. Fuck this thing. Yeah. I feel like also if I'm going to my friend's house and he has one of these things, and I'm like, oh, like a thing. And he's like, yeah, you got to put quarters in. I'm like, no. What? Yeah, switch it for a tap or something. How do all of his friends have quarters? Like. That's another thing. Who's got change? Harry and Cash. No way. The verdict is asshole. Comments, you're the asshole. You left money in the machine knowing people might win some of it. Yep. You were perfectly fine letting people use it as though it were real and keeping their money if they didn't win and let the jackpot build. And now that someone actually won, you don't want it to be real anymore. 15,000 upvotes. Someone said, I think this is the best comment here. Originally, I was going with not the asshole because I thought it was a bit tacky for the friend to think he should get a payout from a novelty machine that's in someone's home. But I think you're right. And I agree with you're the asshole. OP knew there was a possibility of someone hitting the jackpot eventually and never made it clear with his friends what his expectations were if anyone ever hit it. And if he never intended to pay out any winnings, then he should have had a policy in place where he gives people their losses back instead of keeping their money. Someone else said, not the asshole. I don't usually post in here, but seeing everyone claim you're the asshole for not giving this dude $700 seems asinine to me. He could not have had the same expectation here as he would in a real casino of winning a bunch of money. I doubt it is even legal anywhere in the US to do that. So why would he expect it at some guy's house? You weren't exactly smart about this or previous times, but you're not the asshole for not giving him $700. I'm assuming that you didn't rack up the 700 plus dollars from other people's money. If so, then you are running an illegal, illegal casino and not only do you owe that guy the $700, but you're also treading thin ice that the cops don't bust down your door. In the future, don't let people play with their own money. Clean the machine out and let people play using your quarters. There will never be hard feelings that way. 11,000 upvotes. Who's that dork? What the heck? That's a guy who knows casino law. Hey, you're skating on thin ice here. The police can get- Hey, buddy. Shut up. Well, that's grandma's ex-boyfriend that said that. That's exactly who said that. I used to work at a- In the account room. Yeah, I know this stuff. We have an update. Oh. So OP made a lot of edits and updates to this post, up to 12, so we've picked some of our favorites and trimmed for time. Okay, so he wrote, "Edit, sorry guys, "I can't answer such witticisms as 'Why are you so shitty?' "Because I've been banned." Wow, so since I'm a baby gangster who has been running an illegal gambling operation, both things that have been said, I might as well just go whole hog and start running guns and pimping underage Andean alpacas to people who would pay for the privilege. I'm really that bad? I just thought I had a cool thing, grandma got by banging a dude from the count room. Got it. There it is. Jesus Christ. Edit three, gotta address this one directly. If this was really last night, give it a week or a month and see how many friends, especially mutual friends, are no longer talking to you. Forget our votes. Listen to those. Also forget small claims. You need to worry more about hearing from your state's gambling commission. And he was lying about much he put into the machine too. He said $75, who the fuck walks around, much less even gets $75 in quarters when going to a party at a stranger's house. And in addition, I will gladly, gladly call our state gaming commission, Arizona, and ask what trouble I might be in. I will also update on when I can. People can't be this dramatic in real life. I'm a ducking Instagram influencer for my job. The phoniest, most vapid, saddest job a person can have right now. And I'm still blown away by some of these comments. Call me or the asshole all you like, but don't be stupid and claim to have knowledge you don't in the process. Edit number seven. Jeez. This guy. Oh my God. Holy fuck. Oh my God. I think he's getting asshole because everyone's just like, you guys, you stop. You shut up. Just relax. You're chronically online. If you're bringing up the gaming commission, I'm out. Yeah. Like the condescending, like, oh, I'm a baby gangster. Like, ew. Yeah. Now you are an asshole. And then he brought up he's an influencer. And so we're all just going to hate you now. Immediately. Yeah. The most vapid job you can have. This makes sense. And listen, I am an asshole. I'm the worst person anyone knows. Edit seven. Yeah. Okay. So this is a question. Info we need to know where the money came from. Did the money in the machine come from you putting it in or playing the machine? So this is all guesswork based on what my grandma said the jackpot could hold. There's a window that shows the coins in the jackpot. The space behind is about the size of a big shoe box. She said it gets full at $800. It was more than half when she and my grandpa gave it to me. I always guessed $500. In five years, it's now seven-eighths full. I play it from time to time, so I'd say $100 of that is full. That's mine. In today's world, planning ahead isn't always top of mind. But not having life insurance can leave families facing difficult financial uncertainty during already emotional times. In many cases, loved ones are left managing expenses, debts, or long-term obligations without a clear plan in place. Life insurance is one way to help provide financial security and support when it's needed most. That's where Ethos comes in. Ethos makes getting life insurance fast and easy, and it's 100% online. You can get a quote. You can get a quote within seconds, apply in minutes, and even get same-day coverage. There's no medical exam. You just answer a few simple health questions online, and coverage options are flexible with up to $3 million available and some policies starting at around $30 a month. 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Thank you to some very helpful people who own slot machines who DMed who were also able to suggest experts in my area. I was able to call a local person who works on antique slot machines. My slot machine is highly customized but it's based around a pretty well-known machine. It's a new one. I don't know if you've ever seen it. the mashed banana was microwaved as well. Yeah, you got to appreciate that. I mean, well, they're going for realism here. It's the details. Yeah, they're trying. We actually had a story we read in a previous episode where a guy was talking about that with a Pringles can filled with banana peels. Who is this? Who is that? Who is, who are you talking to? Is this Andre the Giant? That's Oliver from the previous story. He was putting his foot in it? So I have this five-gallon compound bucket. Imagine you're at the snack aisle of a grocery store and you're looking between the Pringles cans and the mini M&M's bottles, and the guy's like, need any help? Oh, yeah. That's a very humbling decision to make, just like. Which size are you looking for? There's got to be something in between those two things. For the cylinder, I'm looking for, someone said, wait? OP said, it's been three hours. The cylinder hasn't changed size yet. He's admitting at that point. Like, the cylinder changes size. Right. Yeah, I mean, maybe, you know, stand out in the cold for a couple minutes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, there's a. And cold does things scientifically to things. But the problem is, if the pressure's there, it's going to be. There's a constriction. It's a vacuum. It's more of a ring. Yeah, yeah. Really holding in the blood. No, but like, between the end of the cylinder and the. The M&M thing, that area right there, like, you could split the atom with the amount of pressure in there. Yes. That's a full, real vacuum. Yes. Yeah, yeah. I wish we had a mini M&M's tube here. I. So, maybe I just haven't had one in a while. Dude, mini M&M's. Are they still around? Yeah, you pop the top like a. Yeah, they're not very, like. Well, okay, Emily, sorry. Emily, you said they're little, and you went like this. Yeah, she's like, they're little. What M&M's tube? Excuse us. Because there are the ones that you get for the holidays. Do you know those? Like, the clear plastic. And those are, like, long. Yeah, it's out of control. Like, when you get. Like, they have, like, the candy cane. And they kind of have, like, the top that's, like, a character or something. Yeah, yeah. Those are too big. They probably hurt. They're absolutely ridiculous. They hurt. They don't. Overkill, some might say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably, yeah, way too much. Don't need all that. It doesn't fit or whatever. Don't need all that. A mini M&M's tube, some would say, not mini, like. Some would say fair. Well, all jokes aside. Yeah. The mini M&M's tube, the way that I'm thinking about it right now, is mad small. There's a blue tube. I was thinking they're, like, they're, like, this. They're, like, this. No! The mini M&M's tubes? Brother, brother, brother, brother. No, they're, like, this. They're, like, this. No, no, no. I'm talking about the opening, dude. Oh, the opening? Yeah, the. But they're small. It's pretty small. Because, yeah, you can barely get, like, a finger in there. That's what I'm saying. So how would you. How would you possibly. You definitely can't get two fingers into there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually do think. I mean, you can't. When I'm trying to eat my mini M&M's, you kind of. You can't, like. You don't pull the M&M's out. You just kind of, like. Two fingers? How fucking hungry are you, dude? I'll be honest. Starving. I love mini M&M's. You guys are tagging it like a honey battery. Yeah. It's going in, like, when you get anteated. Like, Winnie the Pooh. He's just like, give him! Turn it upside down. I'm sorry, dude. I'm honestly shocked that they don't come with a hole in the back of them because, like, there have been instances where, like, candy and toys, they'll have, like. Where, like, cylinders get stuck in them. Yeah, they can get, like, stuck over, like, the mouths of people and it could, like, cause breathing issues. That's a real thing that happened. Whoa. Jesus. It happened with, like, Pokeballs in, like, the 90s. Remember, like, the Burger King Pokeballs? I love how people are nodding their heads. I was nodding. Thank you so much. They all know exactly what you're talking about. In the 90s, Burger King had, like, Pokeball toys that came for, like, the movie that came out and someone put it over. A kid put it over their nose and mouth and it suffocated them. Remember the ones that had the gold cards inside of them? Or, like, smaller ones, but so they started putting. I collected all of those. Yeah, me too. I had them all. Dude, let's go. Collecting. They put holes in the back of them now so it doesn't do that. Remember, like, the lip challenge that people were doing? Yeah. The same idea. Got it. So I'm shocked that many M&Ms don't have that so, like, you can just rip this thing right off your crank. I don't think that they're planning on people fucking the life out of one. You have to assume some dude out there is gonna try. Yeah. A lot of people are, like, saying yes to that in the room. What is going on with the people in this room? I imagine that when M&Ms, as a company, Mars, I think. Mars, yeah, you're correct. When they established, like, you know, listen, what if we make it in this tube? One person had to have raised their hand and just say, guys, do we know what we're doing here? Yeah. And they said, you're a pervert. Yeah. And he was like, all right. Yeah. Fine. The one scientist at Mars was like, we gotta be really careful with what we're doing here. I'm shocked this person had to ask for help. Butter and mashed banana, that's a seasoned tube sex haver. Yeah, yeah. Like, this person knows what they're doing. This ain't the first time this has happened. Yeah. His whole pantry. You don't start there. He's fucked everything. Yeah, you don't start there. You go down the food pyramid and you land. Yeah. You land in that guy's pantry. If you're a container of some sort, the tube of Jif butter is like, first time here. Welcome. Yeah, you get used to it. Don't worry about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like. Anyways, there's one final comment left by OP and he just said, hospital. Yeah. Yeah. So. Yeah, you gotta. You gotta go. You gotta bite the bullet and you gotta go and be like, all right, listen. There's a cylinder somewhere on my body. And you know the doctor's just like, just let me see it. Like, the doctor has seen it before. The doctor's probably so chill. Yeah. And it's just like, wow. There's a lot of that. That actually goes on. Like, I know through someone that I know. Sure. Who's a doctor. Okay, yeah. That's like, yeah, I'm trying to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How many degrees away from me can I get? Goes to another school. No. No, it's one of my brother's friends who's a doctor and he used to tell him stories all the time. He's like, yeah, some guy came in. He's got like, something in his anal cavity. Totally. So these are probably, it's not that crazy if you're a doctor. You're like, yeah, okay. What do we got today? Tube? Yep. Yeah, no. It's just normal for them. Have we gotten any updates since or as far as we know, they're still in the hospital? They might still be there. The cylinder is, we don't know the state of the cylinder. I have a question for you. Yeah. Say you do this. Okay. Where's this going? All right. You keeping that as like a relic? Collector. Am I collecting the tube I fucked? It's in full circle. It's not yogurt. But like, do you hold on to it and you just like, keep it on your mantle and you're just like, I, I won. Keep it on your mantle. You would have to assume that the doctors are able to remove it without having to take it apart. You put it back together. I'm throwing that thing away and I'm never telling anyone ever. Really? Also on the mantle with like your grandma's ashes. Like, oh, so what's the M&M tube? Yeah. I wouldn't want anyone to ever see it or touch it. It's for you. You don't need to tell anyone. I don't need that either. It's a special. No. No. That's a collection I definitely don't want. Yeah. Anyways, we're ending on that note. Yeah. Thank you for saving that for us. Of course. No, I'm glad we did. Thank you guys so much. This was a blast. Thank you. This was a blast. I'm very excited. You guys are going to be on or have already been on other stuff on Smosh. Yes. I think you're going to be on the Games Channel Smosh Mouth. Yeah, it's going to be fun. We're going to have more fun. But this was awesome. Thank you for having us. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for saving that wonderful story. Of course. And for giving Frank ideas as well. Thank you so much. I'm going to text you pictures of exotic yogurts I find. Just so you know. Oh, I thought you were about to say. I'm not having sex with any tubes. You said, I'm going to text you and I was like, what? Okay, yogurts is fine. But if you ever come over and you see a mini M&M tube on my mantle, you know what happened. I'll be very scared. All right. All right. Anyways, thank you both for being here and thank you all for watching and we'll see you next Saturday. Bye. Thanks again to DoorDash for sponsoring this episode of Reddit Stories.