We're pregnant with our rainbow baby

Thank you to Quince for sponsoring this portion of today's episode. Let me tell you the seasons are changing. It's starting to be time that we can get out our denims again. We can get out our sweaters and there is no better place than Quince. So many of the things I'm constantly reaching for in my closet to layer up, dress up, dress down, come from Quince because they have very, very high quality products. I'm talking 100% Mongolian cashmere. They have silk organic cotton wool. They have those premium fabrics but at an amazing price. Everything at Quince is actually priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands and that is because they work directly with ethical factories, cutting out the middle man so you're paying for high quality, not brand markup. Actually just last night Matt was telling me that he grabbed his shorts. I don't fit my clothes. I've been hitting the gym and so I need new clothes. He bought me Quince swim trunks that are really high quality. I wear them all the time when we go on the pool with the boys. I'm excited to see which he picks out from Quince for me next. Your nice khaki shorts are from Quince. Wait the khaki that I wear like literally every day. Yep those are from Quince. You don't even know where your clothes are from but if you had to guess they're probably from Quince because I love shopping their min section as well for Matt. You can wear them in many different ways for many different seasons. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to Quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks you where you heard about them, let them know that unplanned sent you. It's the best way to support the show. We're pregnant! Woo! You're glowing by the way. Oh thank you. I think this is your prettiest pregnancy yet. I can't believe you've been pregnant for time. This is your fourth pregnancy. I know. That's a lot of being pregnant. Goodness. I do love it. Is your body doing okay? That's a lot on your body. No, I feel like I'm very, very lucky. I don't feel bad. Super bad when I'm pregnant. I just get a lot of headaches at this stage and I have a headache currently and I have a headache basically every day for the past like two months. I'm sorry. It's okay. Yeah, no, I'm really relieved to like a part of me is relieved to be talking about this publicly but I would say about 60% of me is like, I don't want to do it. Why are you afraid? There's just so much. We were so public with our miscarriage and gosh, I'm just a human, right? It just feels like we were so candid about everything and just authentic and there's just certain pressures with being public facing with something that's so fragile, seemingly fragile but there comes a time. Obviously I'm short too and people are starting to find out. Isn't that lovely? I mean, honestly, isn't that just incredible? That just shows like etiquette online does not exist. You know how they say grief requires a witness. Yeah, grief demands a witness. I keep seeing comments from women who find out that they miscarried and the comments are like, "Hey, I watched this six months ago when you shared everything you've went through." Gosh. And then they watch it back again and they're like, "I'm going through this exact same thing and it sucks and it's hard and I don't even know how to get out of bed in the morning but I feel like that's why." I feel like that's what we shared. No, 1,000 percent. 1,000 percent. That's the purpose and also just like, it's not something I'm like ashamed of and it's not something I want to keep a secret. If there's anything I've learned from losing a pregnancy, like experiencing a pregnancy loss, especially late, like that, this is a life that I want to honor and I want to fully experience and live every moment of. There's just a lot. I had a mom, I have a mentor that has helped me so much. She lived a very similar experience to us and she told me she was like, "You have your pregnancies before loss and you have your pregnancies after. There's just like a dividing line." And even in therapy, she's like, because I've kind of expressed some bitterness that I feel sometimes with certain things in my life now. Certain statements that people make so unintentionally that I'm like, "I don't want to feel this way. I don't think the rest of the world should cater towards me because I've experienced this and I don't want to feel this sense of like, I do feel this bitterness that I don't like it." And she's like, "No, there's just basically people that are living blissfully, ignorantly and then people that have had that stripped away from them." And it's not because they want to, I would much rather be blissfully ignorant, trust me. Like, I would much rather but I'm not and that's not my life circumstances. So anyway, just like working through all kinds of things and it's like, there's just so, any mom that's experienced this, like just knows, pregnancy after loss is just so complicated. Why do I feel like, I have experienced a similar thing where I feel like there was a part of me that used to be ignorant and blissful. But you have, you have. And now we're not. But I think there's a way to get back there. Like, I think it's like, yeah, you can know. You don't think there is. Yeah, no. I feel like it's a mental practice, right? Like, there's some people out there that have been through some horrific things and somehow they're able to like push through it. No, but exactly. That's what you're doing is you're pushing through, you're carrying on despite the grief, but you're still carrying that with you. So I guess, so I guess you can still be blissful, but you're no longer ignorant. You understand. So you're blissfully aware. Blissfully aware. You're aware of all that. We're not there yet. The dark f-tub stuff. I'm not there yet for sure. But yeah, wow, what a journey it has been. And I feel like it's like weird because this was not a secret per se. I just wasn't like, this wasn't like, I was like trying to, you know, get everyone to ignore me or like nothing. It's just like I was not ready to talk about it. You just needed space. And I think, and I think even now, like you're saying, it's scary to say it. But why are you still craving a little bit of space? But this is where we're at now. Like it's like, that's the thing about being pregnant is that there comes a point where even strangers know they're catching on you. You got a really cute bum. It's adorable. It's okay. And I do, I really want to be full, like this is full transparency. It's like I'm doing this first and foremost to honor this baby. And second of all, to honor the other moms. I have like joined along in our journeys. Like, and maybe they've chosen to pursue another pregnancy or maybe they haven't. But I just want to be like just candid in our experience just for their sake too. So, well, let's, let's go all the way back. Yeah, let's go back. There's a lot. We actually found out we were pregnant back in 2025. So to give a little, to give a little recap immediately after we found out the horrific news about losing Emerson, we, we knew we were going to try. Like, or actually, no, I don't think maybe, no, wait, did you know? Remind me. The first day, like when you found out, I was like, what is the, like how can we make these next steps in a way that is most beneficial to her life? And then also to my own fertility down the road because those are, like, unfortunately, that's the reality you have to accept in that moment. And so it's like, yeah, that's not, you don't want to be thinking about a future pregnancy. Like when you're learning about, like you, you're seconds into just finding out that this pregnancy is like done. But that's the reality. Like that you have to face as you're making these next steps in these decisions. And so that was something that we always knew that we wanted. And they told us we had a wait. There was a period of time where we were advised to like, abstain from trying just to get my health back to where it needed to be. And I think that we also needed that time mentally for sure. And it's not like we arrived at some certain like spectacular mental state. I think that very early on in grieving Emerson, I realized that this was like a lifelong like process. Yeah. So I was like, that's not necessarily like the major factor. I think we're major, the major factor afterwards was just like consulting our doctors about like my health and like being safe about everything. And so there was a period of time where we were not trying and then finally arriving to Thanksgiving of last year. Like we knew there was a possibility that we were going to be pregnant. And so we decided or I decided, I think I was like, we could take a test on Thanksgiving. And what it'll be a little bit early. But then like if it's positive, we'll be extra thankful on Thanksgiving or if it's negative, well, just it'll still be a great day because it's Thanksgiving day. And so we took a test that morning and it was negative. And we're like, well, shucks. And I was actually more disappointed than I thought I was going to be. You were really down. Yeah. I remember my parents asking like, is Abby doing okay? Because you were not doing okay. Wow. I didn't know that it was showing. Oh, yeah. I mean, how could you not? You just went through a miscarriage and you want to be pregnant again. And you're not pregnant. And so I just feel like I did a lot that day still. So I was super sad for you. And it was yeah, I mean, it sucks to see a negative pregnancy test when all you want to see is a positive pregnancy test. Well, I mean, also going into trying this time, like your first time trying post-loss, my thought was, okay, I have been reminded like in a horrible way that our family planning is really not in our own hands, like it's outside of our hands. And so if I get pregnant, this was what I was thinking. If I get pregnant, then it'll be great. If I'm not pregnant, then I feel like I won't hold it. I wouldn't have been as disappointed as I might have been before because I just am so freshly made aware that this This is outside of my control. That wasn't the case, like the negative. really made me like disappointed. I think I was like holding out hope that like, okay, like, I don't know. A short time possible, not pregnant, that will help. Not the case. So then when it was negative, I was really bummed. - Yeah. - I'm not describing this well. - And right, Marty off to about-- - This is also right with me got a dog. So if you remember how we got a dog at the end of 2025, this was all at the same time. We were trying for a baby. We decided to get a dog because it was hard and the joy of having a puppy around was actually pretty cool. That was like a sweet thing to do. And I think it almost seemed like in your head, you thought since that first one was negative, I think in your head, it was like, oh, this is gonna be a really hard season of like negative pregnancy test, right? Like I feel like that's what your mind at least was telling you. - I don't know. I honestly, I think our doctors gave us realistic expectations for like fertility after like everything that happened. And so I feel like I wasn't necessarily going there yet 'cause it was just our one negative test. But I don't know. I think our was just down as it was anyway. And so this was just another thing, right? And so then-- - We go to Vegas. - It was my birthday shortly after that. - December 1st. - Yeah, and we had spent two nights in Vegas to celebrate my birthday because your parents were town for Thanksgiving too. - Yes. - So they got, so they watched the kids while we went to Vegas for two days or like a day and a half, whatever it was. And we had a great time. It was really fun. And I felt like a lot better. Like just getting one on one time is like, you know what, this is great. Like everything's fine. Like sure, I wish I was pregnant right now. But like, I don't know. It was really good to connect with you and to like just have some time for rest and recovery, especially during the season of the holidays and like everything that had been leading up to the holidays and how the holidays were looking so much differently than we would have imagined. Like all these things, it just was really restful and great. Then I come home from Vegas. I'm like, well, that's so weird. I still haven't started my period. I was like, that's just really weird. And, but then I was like also chalking it up to the fact that my body had been through so much. So then the night that we got home, I was like, wait, that's like kind of when it dawned on me. I wasn't, I genuinely was not thinking about it at all in Vegas. And then I took just like one of those cheap strip tests. And I was like, looking at it in the light and I was like, I really feel like I see another faint line. Do you remember me bringing that downstairs to you? - I want to say a salt for the first time. I just watched the video back of us finding out - No, that was, I'm talking about the night before that. - Yes, wait, yes, you're right. You took a strip test or something and you're like, this looks weird. And I'm like, you were like, I don't see a line. I don't think there's anything to, yeah, don't overthink it. It's fine. - But like you didn't think I was pregnant at that point. - Yeah, I didn't think you were pregnant. - And I was like, that is so weird because like why? There would not be a faint line. Even the faintest of lines. If there, if it wasn't, you know what I mean? I was supposed to be positive. And so I was like, that's so weird like that. Evening I remember like, still not thinking much of it. We went to like a Christmas event with some friends. And then I was like, you know what, that's so weird. Next day, I still hadn't started my period. So I was like, I'll just do, I had one more digital test. And I was like, I'll do that. And then I think we're still up in the air whether or not we're gonna share the video of. - That's funny, yeah. - That test saying pregnant. - It was very anti-climactic. - It's very anti-climactic because I was just rushing my teeth and like I was waiting for it to load. And it literally said pregnant. - Yeah, we both were just confused. I was confused because of the way you presented it to me. You were like, it says I'm pregnant, but I'm not pregnant. - Yeah, I totally didn't believe it. - Like I was just like, I don't know what to say. I have no. - The denial was 100%. Like if you would have asked me in that moment, even though I'm looking at a test that says pregnant, if you would have asked me if I was pregnant, I would have said 100% no. I don't know, I don't know. That denial, the denial was crazy. - I just kept looking at the test and realizing, wait a minute, these tests are very accurate. They're over 99% accurate. My wife is telling me that she's not pregnant because of the scary stuff, the trauma that we've been through, but the test is saying pregnant. And I'm there and I'm like, well babe, if you're pregnant, that's really dope. Like I think it is. I want to say it is. And so eventually- - The mental gymnastics though, of like negative, positive, faint lines. Like in my head, the only things going through it were like chemical pregnancy. There's some weird lingering H-T-G from your, from Emerson's pregnancy. Like there's just so many things that were like, I think my mind was ultimately just trying to protect me. Like from the reality of like what it was gonna look like to be pregnant after loss. - Yeah. - And the denial was crazy, but also my anxiety was at like 110 at this point. Like I remember that day I like couldn't eat and I couldn't think about anything else. Like that whole day I was just so messed up and then I finally called my OB. Went in, did I go in that day or the next day? - I want to say it was the day after or two days after but they confirmed it. They said you were pregnant. They ran all the tests. Did everything official and we knew who, remind me who are the first people that we told? - My mom, I told my mom. - That day? - Well I told my mom that day because it was like, why is this test saying positive? - Yeah. - Like she was like, you probably are pregnant. And I was like, nope, you're wrong too. Like I literally just did it. I just kind of, yeah. I told my mom and I told my mentor. They were the only people that knew for like a long time in you. - And our friends Mike and Ashley were over for dinner and I would like offer it, I think them wine and I wanted to know if like you ever wanted wine. And then somehow the way I like worded my question made it clear that you were not- - You were very obvious. - How obvious. - What did I say? What did I say that made it so obvious? - You're like Abby, you won't win. Oh yeah, that's exactly what I did. - Nevermind. - I was so dumb. I was like, Dave, you won't win? I mean, you probably don't want it. You don't want it. - Maybe. - Don't know. Like I should have just let you say, oh I'm fine, thank you for offering. And then nobody would have known that you were pregnant but I was just an idiot and then people, they didn't ask for anything. - But they were our first friends to know just 'cause I was freaking fumble that so hard. - Well we didn't tell. Yeah, it wasn't like a conversation. You just were really awkward. - Yeah, story of my life. - No, it was fine. And so yeah, those early weeks, if I'm totally honest with you, that was just like mental warfare. Like I've never lost, I've never had an early miscarriage like that but I just like every single day. Like yeah, I was just waiting for something to happen. And so when at six weeks we were out of town with your family in Missouri and I started bleeding. I was like, we'll see. - That was scary. - It was literally like I was just like it, well. - I forgot about that. - I knew this was, oh I certainly didn't offer it but it was like honestly seeing that, like an experiencing that I was like not even surprised. Like that's where my head was at. So, so strongly. - We were in Missouri to go to Silverdawar City. - And we had just heard your parents. - We went and did Silverdawar City with our kids. - This was at six weeks. - With my parents. We had, yeah, we had just told them. They were asking about, hey is Abby okay? She seems that maybe those are two different times. I think they knew something was wrong when you had taken the pregnancy test and it said negative and you're really bummed. And then they knew too when you were really worried about miscarrying because you were bleeding. - Yeah. - And that day was just combined with so many things. Like having just told your parents and then also like not being home also made that worse. And then also we had close friends just in our personal life. That day tell us they're pregnant. And like at that point I was like, for sure that we were no longer pregnant. So I was like, oh my gosh, everything was just so heavy. And so I was experiencing bleeding for the whole weekend while we were out of town. And so when I got back in town, I called my doctor and she's like, well, just come on in. - Yeah. - And we'll get you checked out. And so at this point, like my head is like, I mean, I thought it was game over, you know? And went back in and they actually found a heartbeat which was so crazy 'cause it was actually pretty early for that. And they were like, we didn't even expect to have a heartbeat or especially a heartbeat like this fast at this point. Like the heartbeat was looking like really good. And they found the source of the bleeding, which I know this is common. I had just never experienced it before. It's called a subquital hemorrhage. - I don't know the official term. You would have been like that. - And it's fairly common, especially minds probably related to like all the procedures I had post Emerson's birth and everything that happened with that. And so there was just some damage that had been done to my uterus essentially. And that one of those clots had made or clots, not clots. One of those hemorrhages had made its way out or were starting to make its way out. And so I still had another one that they were keeping an eye on at that point. And so I was just holding my breath because I was like, okay, I was prepared for more bleeding at that point because I knew that they had spotted eyes on another one. I was just praying. I was like, please don't let it happen. My mental state cannot take it. Because by that, by the next Monday after that weekend, the bleeding had stopped or had really subsided. And so I was like, okay, well, that was a shock that the baby was okay. And then just kept carrying on. So at this point, we were like not telling literally anyone because everything just felt like literally so paper thin, so fresh. so scary. And I had never experienced that before in a pregnancy and obviously this was my fourth pregnancy, so I was kind of like, you know, not prepared for weird random symptoms like that. But that's just because my body had been through so much, you know. I think it was one of those things where we were just waiting to get through the 17-week appointment, waiting for the 17-week appointment, wanting to get there as fast as possible. And it felt like the more people that we told, the more we talked about it, the more it was on our minds. Like, we just wanted the time to just, like, if we could have snapped our fingers, we could have had some magic time machine just to teleport us to the 17-week appointment, that is what we wanted. That's what my, that's what my instinct was. But that's actually what I was, like, working against, like, in therapy. Because after experiencing loss, like, the instinct for me personally, everyone's experience is going to be different obviously. I'm just talking about my own personal experience with things. My instinct was to literally distract the crap out of myself, was to just, like, pretend I wasn't pregnant and just go about my life and just, like, try to not think about it. The problem with, and that's what I did for, like, the first little bit there because, like, that was just a defense mechanism essentially. But that does not work. Ultimately, for so many reasons, but one of them is that it was giving me intense nightmares. Like, I, like, I told my therapist I was like, I just keep having, like, these terribly graphic nightmares. And she's like, well, a lot of that is probably because you're having these, like, unprocessed emotions and fears throughout your day. And so the only time your brain has to sort through it is in the middle of the night when you're sleeping and it's, like, doing that. So then I was like, okay, I learned really quickly, like, I'm talking about, like, five weeks that that was not going to work. And so I, and then also I was like, I have just been freshly reminded that we are not guaranteed anything when it comes to pregnancy. We're not guaranteed anything. And that's a really unfortunate reality, a really terrifying reality. But, like, until you lose the pregnancy, like, you don't, you don't wish that you, I don't know, how do I explain this? You just know that you have to enjoy every single day that you wake up in your pregnant. And so I knew that distracting myself was not what I wanted to do. I wanted to try to cherish and enjoy every single day that I got to carry this gift. And so I then really started doing a lot of things. I started to, um, journal. I started to, even though, like, really early, like, I would journal and, like, journal to the baby sometimes, like, just short little bits. I didn't know that you were journaling to our baby. That's so sweet. I have a notebook of it. It's a separate notebook. And I've never, I've never heard you read one of those. Or maybe you just wanted to be for you. I've never read them to anybody. Do you think you'd ever read it to our baby? I don't know. They're kind of dark. Some of them. And so, um, and then I got it like a book for like, just like, there's a really great book. It's called like growing, growing with purpose is what it's called. It's a really thin little book. You can get on Amazon, but they have like specific like bits of encouragement. So it's like, say you have a scan today. Like this is a specific bit of encouragement. Say you got good news at the doctor's day. Say you got bad news at the doctor's day. Like, say you're like, I don't know. It has like, it has something for every single day. And I read that. Um, and then also it really early on. Obviously, you don't have any kind of bump when you're five, six, seven weeks pregnant. But I was still with my hand on my belly. And just like that was like really connecting me with his baby because if I've learned anything like I just did not want to. I didn't want to wish a single day away because you know, you think when you find out you're pregnant that you're going to have nine months with that baby. And so it's like, oh, I'm living so I can. I had to get through this bit so I can get to the birth. And when you've never reached that finish line during your pregnancy, you know that every single day is a gift that you're pregnant. And so I just wanted to live it and enjoy it and feel it every bit of it. And know this baby as much as I possibly can. I'm fine. By the way, I can just any you do. Yeah, fine. Here, use my sleeve. Let me just. No. Dad, dad, just my sleep. Thank you to Shopify for sponsoring this portion of today's episode starting something new isn't just hard. It's terrifying. So much work goes into this thing that you're not entirely sure will work out. And it can't be hard to make the leap of faith. But it also helps when you have a partner like Shopify on your side to help. We are up and coming on a new exciting project. A lot of fear, yes, and interpretation, but also we do have a lot of peace of mind because we are working with Shopify. If you don't know what Shopify is, it is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world. Get started with your own design studio with hundreds of ready to use templates. Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand's style. We are huge fans of Shopify because you can tackle all those important tasks in one place from inventory to payments to analytics and more. 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And when you're done, the hose shrinks back down to a pocket size for effortless handling and tidy storage. This is one of those problems that just really makes you want to say a bad word. When you're dealing with the backyard and I just thought there was no solution, but the fact that Pocket Hose has thought of this and fixed this and made this so much more seamless, we are eternally grateful. And for a limited time, our listeners can get a free pocket pivot and their 10 pattern sprayer with the purchase of any size copperhead hose just text unplanned to 64000 that's unplanned to 64000 for your two free gifts with purchase unplanned to 64000. Message and data rates may apply. See terms for details. And so for the first time then at 10 weeks, we decided to do the NIPT blood work test, which would tell us the gender of the baby. And we've always found out previously at the scan or with Emerson, in her case, we found out the day that we found out she didn't have a heartbeat and I learned through that that I never wanted to do it that way again. That's just not the way you want if you can at all help it like I just want to know everything I could about this baby for as long as I could. And so for the first time we did that blood work and you want to kind of tell that story. Yeah, yeah, let's tell it. So do you remember did you black out everything? You know, it's been it's been a it's been a world with like looking at the video that's funny. I'm like, I forgot that's how it happened. Yeah, like in my brain, it was probably a happier discovery, but no, we're just or just confused. They were just confused. I've never done this before. We found out at was it 10 weeks? 10 weeks, yeah. And it was really sweet. We had Abby's mom like put out. I emailed her the results the morning I got them and you would not believe the like she was just so honored. Your mom was very honored. So excited. And I was teasing her. I was like, and that made me excited too. I was like, I was like, it's a girl, right? I'm like, you're like, I'm trying to get your mom to like spill the fill the beans on like what I know. She's pretty good with her poker face on and she was good. Like she wouldn't she wouldn't cave. She wouldn't give me information. And so Abby and I went shopping for some flowers. She and Lori, Abby's mom put the flowers like the color of the of the gender into our our boys were just carrying the flower and they just carried us to us fake flowers. Yeah. And we got pink and blue. We couldn't find real ones. We actually actually vlog that experience. We went to like a bunch of different stores. It was fun. Everywhere that we went, we could not find the flowers. And so basically we just went outside that day. It was literally just us, my mom and our kids. And we had both bouquets of fake flowers. And then she handed the boys the appropriate color. You know of the gender of the baby. And you opened your eyes first. Yeah. And then you told me. And it's funny too because we started telling a lot of people that we were wanting to keep it a secret. But we told my parents. We told my grandma. We told your parents. And then pretty soon we decided. I think we decided on the name literally that day. Yeah. You just you said you gave like two different ideas for the name. And I'm like ah, I like that one and I told you - Well, 'cause unfortunately, we had already been in conversations about names, you know? - Yeah, yeah. - Since last June. - Exactly, and so then we had the name, we made the mistake of telling our boys the name 'cause then they just started telling everybody. - Yeah, well, wait, we'll go back a little bit 'cause we never told, talked about telling people we were pregnant in general. - Oh my gosh, you're right. Yeah, before we found a contender. - Everyone just kinda found out by accident, I feel like. - Wait, what do you mean by that? Who found out by accident? - Well, first of all, the first person that found out that wasn't, we told the grandparents immediately. - Except for your grandma? - No, no, no. I'm talking about like my parents and your parents. - Ah, yes, yes. - Yeah. - Right. - Okay, so we told our parents immediately. - Yes. - So the grandparents of the baby. And then, while I told my mom immediately and then she told my dad, and then your parents found out like when I was like, what? - Yeah. - Five weeks. - It was really funny because the reason we told my parents when we did, we were writing roller coasters at Sylvord R.C.D. in Branson, Missouri and Abby wasn't going on a single ride. Like, not only are you not able to do rides on your pregnant, but even the ones that were pregnancy safe, you were skipping out on some of those too. Like you just, you just did not want to get anywhere close to the line. - Experiencing bleeding. - To the line. Yeah, and your experience in bleeding, so you were, you were worried. That sucks that we did that fun experience while you were. - Yeah, it wasn't so fun in my head. - The boys had a freaking box. - Yeah, they had a great time. - The boys. Oh my gosh. - And also that is a really great point to bring up. Having two little kids too is such a gift, and if you're like experiencing like this because I'm get such a, so much joy from them that it like, and some, so much levity, like they're just like going about life. - But to finish this story, I can tell my mom knew that you were pregnant. She was just on to you because you would skip like six rides and like, okay, we're going to tell my mom before she tells my dad that she thinks that you're pregnant and then my brother, who's with us, he's going to know. And so we're on our way over to another ride, and I have our tour guide, because Sylvan R. City set us up with the tour guide, and she were nice to them. Have her take a picture of us, but I just put it on video mode, and we told him that we were pregnant. And they freaked out. And of course, anyway, mom had like, she was on, she had been on to us for probably 20 minutes at that point because of the situation. It was really funny though, because my dad is, he's so sweet, like my dad would share our YouTube videos with people before anybody even watched our YouTube videos. He shared it with his Facebook friends, but there were some sweet girls who were happy to be walking by and had recognized us, and they got really excited, because they heard that we were pregnant. This is back in December, so they've kept it a secret this whole time. Thank you to those people who kept it a secret, but my dad goes up to them and he's like, "Don't tell anyone." Gotta keep it a secret. - It's okay, John. - My dad's playing the secret police out here, just trying to tell all these sweet people that saw us announce to them. So, anyway, but that was really fun. It was a fun, we got to post that video. It was a fun little surprise. - Yeah. - Well, and then the next person that found out I'm pretty sure was your brother, your older brother, Caleb and Abby. - Oh, yes. My brother. - This is so bad. - My older brother. Yes, so on Christmas, it was like, we were- - Christmas Eve service. - You looked so hot, but you wore this like tight dress and you could see- - Oh my gosh, you're making it look like I was scandalous at church. - No, well I told you to wear it. - It was fitted. - Because you were like, babe should I wear this and I'm like, good in my- I was like, oh my lord, you look amazing. Wear that and you could barely see like the slightest teeny little bump, but it was so cute. And I was just obsessed with you. I was like, wear that, you look like a goddess. Caleb realizes that he's like, okay, is that- - No, on Christmas Day, he pulls you outside. - Yes, we're all gathered together, whole family's at our house. - And he said Abby's pregnant. - Before Caleb could spill the games to his wife, I told you, I was like, babe, we got this on right now. - Well, because he already got it out, he literally just looked at you and was like, Abby's pregnant. - And right around that same time though, because we were trying to, we were trying to stall. We were trying not to tell. We were trying to keep it a secret- - We have the rest of our family inside the house. - Yeah, we wanted to keep it a secret as long as possible, but Blake and Abby, Abby are sister-in-law, who's literally in the room with us right now. She was onto us, but wasn't saying anything because you were having food a versions while we were looking at Christmas slides, like anything that smelled slightly different than like the air. I don't know. - That air. - Just any smell at all, that was just a funky smell, you're like, oh, I can't, I'm not clear. What was the smell? What was it that you were smelling? - It was Blake's chicken wings. - Blake's chicken wings. Oh, because we did char-coory boards for Christmas. - Yes. - And Blake did a chicken wing one. You were like, oh, I can't eat that. Oh, this is so-- - Did I do that? Wow, so dramatic. - You were big. It was okay. You were big dramatic, but I was like, ah, they know. - It wasn't that it was like a secret. It was just like, it honestly felt still felt at this point that it was like not real. I don't know how to explain that in any other way. It just felt so not real at that point. - I'm sorry. Can we just pause real quick? You have the most incredible calves. Can you show up your calves? You clearly wear a ballerina. Look at those calves. My goodness. - Meaty. - Those have, show the camera. They look amazing. Also, you got to show the bump. Show your bump. Go ahead and stand up. Let's see a little close up of Abby's bump, little side profile. Wait, more to the side. Turn, turn. Oh, go. This, do this. Middle camera. - Ah, my baby. - Oh. - Anyway. - Your bump is adorable. I love your bump. - Thank you. What were you saying? Okay, just to say it wasn't a secret. It just felt like nothing was for certain, for so long, because we had so many just. We were also treating this pregnancy so differently as far as like my doctors were, that it just all felt so uncertain, like more than ever. So, we were just waiting until we knew things were good, and I guess like that is something that I've learned is that that's not really a place that you arrive at in pregnancy after loss. Like there's never like a arrival point of like, ah, this deep sigh of relief, like it just doesn't happen. And so I think once I came to terms with that, I was like the whole, like everyone can know that is a normal personal life. Why is it that now I literally could, like I feel like if you really wanted to have like seven children, I would be like, okay, let's do it. - Let's do it. - I feel like we've reached this level of maturity and this level of love and our relationship where growing our family is one of the most beautiful things I've ever got new experience in my life. - Yeah. - And doing that with you has been, there's just no words, there's just no words you can put into it. - That's sweet. I just realized more than ever how precious, like what a gift it is, how precious it is, how just like what a miracle it really is. Like I just remember feeling like after we lost Emerson, I remember just like literally going about my life in public and I was like, how are there so many people in the world? Like I was just like, all these people were once a fetus and that just blew my mind. And I'm like, and they are here. Like what? How incredible is that? And so yes, so then I guess, so yeah, family started to find out and it was different than it's ever been telling people because obviously like, yeah, it's just everything, every single thing is different this pregnancy. And so we started to tell people and that honestly helped a lot. And I almost think that I'm like, I should have told them sooner, but I was just so like, I was literally drowning in fear. And so, but once family started to know and friends started to know, it started to feel like I could, like maybe they could, I don't know, shoulder some of the burden of fear and just like make it actually so I could feel a little bit of excitement. Who is someone that you told that made you feel at peace with everything? So maybe like a friend or a family member? Well, everyone I told, like it all felt really good, but especially on Christmas, like telling Abby, like, because that was the first, yeah, you were, you guys were crying. Yeah, it was the first like, it was the first non-parent that I had told. Yeah. And like, it just felt like everything was just like a little lighter after telling her. And so then, yeah, just kept going about life and going to a lot of appointments. Yeah, remember because I had experienced a little bleeding, they were like, kind of like take it a little bit easier in the gym. So I think me, like my behavior, changing the gym, like a lot of my friends are from the gym. They started to notice, but no one was asking, which I appreciated too. Obviously, I feel like that's just respectful afterwards until I was ready to talk about it. And so some people, just because of circumstances, like it didn't feel like there was like a, I remember just telling you all the time, I'm like, I don't want a hoopla. I just don't want a big hoopla. Yeah, tell me, tell me more about your decision to keep it private for so long, but maybe not. I just didn't want to be a tension of it. Because like at the gym, I noticed, I would notice like, again, you looked so ridiculously beautiful in your gym attire, but it was clear that you had a bump. And so I didn't know how you felt about, you know, post going out of you working, you know, doing a workout, your bump, your bump being seen. It was fine if people knew I just didn't want like a bunch of attention. You just didn't, you just didn't want to like address it yourself. You just wanted to keep it, I wasn't ready to talk about it just because of, of the grief in the, the fear that that was the thing. I just wanted more space to like process how I was feeling. I felt like I was like conundering every day. And then also like just struggling with like how to even feel, how to even be, I wanted to also just like collect my thoughts too. And I feel like I'm at that point where I'm like more collected about it. And so I think that's just because of the stage we've reached because of like a common question, people are going to ask, like it's the most common question that anybody ever asks when you say your pregnant is, how far along are you? So how far are along are you? Yes. Now, at the time you see this, I'll be 20 weeks. but the day I filmed, I'm 19. - We're almost over halfway. 20 weeks will be over halfway. By the time you guys are watching this-- - Yeah, 'cause they will be over halfway. - So that was a big roll too, like especially wanting to go public about it. I really wanted that space for when we got to that 17 week mark. I wanted that space from like, you know, online, all that. That comes with it because I just knew that was we're gonna be a really hard week. And boy were they ever. Those weeks were actually harder than I even anticipated. So like, week 17 and 18, I was just like, freaking basket case. - Yeah, 17 was horrible. The day of the 17 week appointment, I was trying to keep it together for you. - Oh my gosh. - I was just so scared. So scared. - Well, you didn't ask scared at all. - Because I could, I had to be your rock. - I feel bad. - I had to be your tough guy. And I wanna be your rock and your tough guy. I wanna be-- - You were scared though. - I wanna be the man that you can always lean on and come to for safety. - You were, I didn't even ever scared. - Well, I'll do whatever I need to do. - You were scared at that appointment. - Of course. Of course. - Oh, that sucked so much. - What's the scariest part? Oh, fudge sickles. Okay, don't, I'm trying to not cuss as much. - Fudge sickles. - I sometimes, sometimes I cuss now. - Oh my gosh. - We went to the freaking room that we found out we lost Emerson. - Same room. - It was the exact same room. - Same. - And like, my heart was just bop-bop-bop. I was like, frack, we, oh, I hate this. And thank goodness, like, well, here's the other thing, we had a wait in the waiting room for like 30 minutes because they had like a surprise appointment or something, like something came up and there's a scheduling thing, and there was nobody's fault at all. But we had, yeah, we had never waited longer. You, I felt horrible too. I wanted to drive you to the appointment, but I'm trying to, I weigh more than I've ever weighed. So I'm trying to lose weight. So I went on a run that morning. I got home 20 minutes before the appointment started and you had already left the house. 'Cause I think you just needed to get out of the house. - I think you just needed. You just needed to free your brain. And so I got there. I was in the waiting room five minutes before your appointment started, but I think you had gotten there like 10 minutes before your appointment started. - Your waiting room. - And then we didn't get in until over 30 minutes after the appointment. So we were just in the waiting room for nearly 45 minutes. - And just to give you some idea into my head, like you walking into that same ultrasound room, like that was you reliving it a bad experience. When I have to explain to you my body doing this again, it's like my body is reliving a bad experience constantly. And so, especially when I started getting to 17 and 18, I remember just talking to therapy. I was like, I thought I was past this. Like I kept saying, like I thought I was doing so good. Like I feel like I was doing better. And then there's this like saying in therapy or psychiatry, I don't even know. But like the body keeps the score. Have you heard of that? - It's so true. Like my body knew that when I had gone to this stage of gestation, that things did not go well. And so like I just was like wrapped with anxiety. Like I mean, so bad. Like it was so hard to do a lot of things that were normally like not a big deal, you know? Just going through the day was really hard. And I just remember just thinking like, if I can just get to 18, if I can just get to 18, if I can just get to 18. And I got to, so we went to that 17-week appointment. And baby was good. And we both started crying I think. I for sure did. And then, and what's funny is like that day, my doctor has been so tender with us and very considerate. She was like, okay, at that 17-week appointment, I know that's gonna be a hard one. So I'm gonna schedule an extra scan that day. So you can see baby. And I have had so many scans already. Just because of everything that had happened because of prior like, you know, with our loss. I had so many scans. And so at my head, I was like, I'm for sure gonna cancel that. For like, I just won't need it. - Yeah. - As we got closer and closer to that appointment, I was like, there's no chance in this bloody earth that I'm going to cancel that. Like we needed it. - But the additional one was at 18 weeks? - 17 weeks. - 17 weeks, okay. - And so I'm so glad we had that. Because that rest that day was very, very good. And then I felt comfortable to plan the gender reveal. And so that, like that very same day, we started to actually put things in motion for the gender reveal. - Yeah. - Which is good because it was gonna be like, a week or so after that appointment. - Yeah. - And so yeah, I think, yeah, literally was like a week and a half after that. So I was like, we like had to pull that together last minute, which I'm sure like all of our friends and family was like, why did we just find out about this? Literally a week and a half before it happened or like a week before it happened or matter of days. It was just because it felt like, I mean, to be truthful, we were planning the gender reveal when we found out we lost our last pregnancy. So I could just felt like if I were to do these things, then something were to go wrong. And I feel like that's something else I've been really working through a lot. Is that like, I've called them superstition. And I don't really know that that's like, exactly what it is. I think it's just like serious fear. But like, not wanting to do the things I did before in a way to prevent the same outcome from happening. - What are-- - Even things that were illogical. - Tell me more about your superstitions 'cause I knew about the gender reveal one. I knew that you were holding-- - The gender reveal one was a big one. And I was like, if I had planned it, then something's gonna go wrong. Like this-- - So you waited literally the last minute to be able to plan it. - Other things were like, our kids coming to doctor's appointments. - Ah! - Like I was like, they really haven't-- - Have they been to a single one? - They haven't, they were at the appointment when we found out we lost Emerson. So I was like, in my head-- - Which is kind of a blessing, honestly. - It was, but illogically, my head I was like, if they come, then we're gonna get bad news. Like, it's just not, it's so illogical, but that's just like where I'm at, you know? - Yeah. - And so, there's more than that too. - There's so many more. - Yeah, I, like the-- - Even you coming to appointments, like I just wanted to go by myself. - Yeah. - It's so weird. - What, yeah. What's crazy is the one where we found out that Emerson, I, that was like, we had had so many appointments already at that point, I almost didn't even come. 'Cause I was like, oh we're good, like Abby's got this down, and then thank goodness I came. - Oh my gosh, thank goodness you came. - Yeah. - But, so yeah, I've just been struggling with a lot of these, and I feel like superstition, like I was using that word, but I do feel like it kind of minimizes the fact that it's just like, it's just deep, deep fear. That like, you just have to kind of become comfortable with and the pregnancy after a lot lost. Like, it's, I think it's unrealistic to think that you could have like, none, you know? - Yeah, can we talk about something happy? - Yes, let's talk about something happy. - The gender reveal party was so happy. - It was amazing. So, we had over 50 people at our house for the gender reveal. - Yeah, I'm like 25. - So much fun. - Killed out of three years old. - Yeah, bazillion little kids running around. You looked absolutely stunning in your dress. - That's so fun. - So, so pretty. - It's so fun that like, that was a huge thing too. Like, knowing the baby's gender meant that we could give the baby a name and giving a baby a name, gives the baby humanity. And like, that was just felt like such a great experience. Like, and for all of our friends and family to know, like, has been, oh, it's just, it feels like, it feels really good to be like where we're at now. Now, it doesn't mean that like, yeah, talk about something good. I'm going negative again. - Yeah, well, to keep, to keep the conversation on a positive moment. - Yes. - Abby did an incredible job putting out this party. She hired a local coffee shop to come and make pink and blue lattes for everyone in attendance. We have a lot of LDS or what you may know as Mormon friends. That were there as well. So Abby thought of them. She had chocolate milk and lemonade at the coffee stand, which is so sweet. A local balloon artist did the balloon arch with that. - Addie's friend, she had A.Z. What does it, party co? - A.Z. party co. - Is that right? - So sweet. - Our sister-in-law's friend, A.Z. party co, did all the balloons. - In the backdrop. - And the blue arch looked so good. - We had Chick-fil-A chicken minis. - We had, does Junk Bakery did so many delicious pastries. - A local business called Junk Bakery. - I'm dying. The best, they're like a family-owned local bakery. And they are the smartest ever. The ants got so many of them. - We ate a ton of pastries at the party. But then I went to go, I went to go eat a leftover pastries the next day, and it was covered on same day. - Was it the same day? - Yes. - It was covered in ants, you guys. - Sad. - We have an ant problem at our house. We need a life. I'm so sick of these things. - They loved those pastries. - I probably needed to pay for pest control. At this point is probably what it is. Cause I put out ant traps, but it doesn't seem to do anything. - Anyway. - Party was freaking awesome. - It was really fun. It was a great day. It was a great, great day. It felt like more than anything, like I've said this before, but like gender feels, I'll be the first to tell you. They're kind of silly. It's just like, what does it really matter the gender of your baby? It's just a celebration of life. - It's just excuse to throw a party in it. - Just excuse to have a party, and then just to honor the life and the pregnancy and everything. - Do you know, can I tell you a funny idea? I have, maybe, I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this idea in the comments, but you know how some people do these like wild over-the-top gender reveals? Like there's some where-- - Like drones. - They have drones in the sky, and I'm seeing the gender. Our friend Nicole, the nomad, not realizing it. I guess like a firework company wanted to go above me on her gender reveal. It looked like a freaking nuclear firework went off. - She didn't know what idea it was gonna be about you. - So, but I kind of want to like, recreates me like that with AI, and make it look like-- - Don't do it. - It'd be funny if we posted an AI, and like, our matnappy gender reveal, and then you see like a plane like you'll through the sky and drop, just like, I think you can be fun. - Don't do it. - But we just did the look, We just had little poop, and every time we do a gender reveal, I feel like you can't ever figure it out of pop your pop. This time you did it yourself though. This time you took you like 5 seconds, but you eventually figured it out. Yeah, well I'm saying that throwing that party was like against everything that my subconscious was telling me to do. Thank you to Little Spoon for sponsoring this portion of today's episode. Anyone who's a parent knows feeding decisions aren't a one time thing. You make them again and again, stage after stage. 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Trying to just navigate that also feels messy and complicated and we'll just do whatever feels like the best for us and all that has just been just been tricky. All that being said though last week we had the 18 week appointment. Yes, well, it's only at 20 weeks. Normally at 20 weeks we had it early at a facility that deals with high risk pregnancies. We're just being extra safe. Abby's doctor thought it'd be smart. It's called the maternal feel medicine doctor. Yes, so with our history, we're just doing extra appointments, double checking everything and thank goodness we did because while the baby is happy and healthy, we found out last week that Abby needs to be on. So it's described for people that don't understand pelvic rest. What that is. How long will you start from the beginning? This is at the anatomy scan which we did at 18 and a half weeks. It can happen anywhere between 18 and 20 but since we were going to like this high risk specialty doctor, they have like a ton of really good equipment and also they are checking. So I think the standard human or the standard anatomy scan is checking for like 20 different structures, but the one that maternal fetal medicine doctor, they're looking at over 40 structures. So they're just they're doing an extra thorough job of the scan that everybody gets. And they did notice that the placenta is in a less than ideal position. So basically the way the doctor, he was really great at describing this. He even got out an expo marker and like drew a diagram for us, but basically they're looking for the placenta to attach itself to the upper half of the uterus. And that's because that's that's obviously the after birth for a reason you don't want it to be close down low to your cervix because you don't want that to come out first like when you're delivering maybe. So they wanted to be the upper half the are placenta is in the lower half and it's a little too close to the cervix that they'd like to see. And so they have recommended public rice, which I know that this is not entirely uncommon. I actually know other people that have like had this similar thing and it's not actually not too far off from where they want it to be. It's actually just literally a fraction of a centimeter. But like that's that's the reality is that they are I'm glad they're looking for that and I'm glad they're being extra cautious. So they did recommended recommend like a form of pelvic rest were basically like I can't do any high intensity workouts. So at this point I'm literally just going on walks and we also cannot have in the intercourse for the next several weeks. Which is brutal. I don't feel like I should answer my question. But yeah, so it is just like very you know we're open about that type of thing over here. That's a different this is a change for us. Yeah, and so obviously obviously we're just so grateful that the baby is healthy that has been like just our biggest hope and that was just such a release. Like of fears to get through get to that appointment and to get through that appointment with a positive result was great. It was like a little bummer that there was like this other thing to think about because I just wanted to like just like have a deep sigh of relief and like move on. But now there's this lingering thing that we had to have a follow up for and we have to keep thinking about it and hoping that it moves its way upward a bit and things like that when we've never had to think about something like that and so it is a little bit like a bummer if I'm totally honest a little frustrating. What was he saying about the placenta being too close to the service we need to like let it get higher up we also don't want the placenta it would not be good if the placenta detached so we're trying to you're being extra careful extra cautious. Yeah, but what's the thing about like he said something about like 1.7 millimeters or something do you know what that exactly meant. Yeah, so basically I think they're looking for it to be like over two centimeters away from the service. Away from the service. Why though because it could fall through. I don't know. He didn't go. He was very kind. He did not go into like all the worst case scenarios of it because I don't think he was also too concerned like he was like this is not too far off from where he wanted to be like we're just going to keep an eye on it. But I think that the risk is if it goes my assumption. I'm not a doctor. My assumption is that if it goes over the service area it first of all isn't great for delivery but then also it can lift. If that service opens yeah and which it's going to like later on in pregnancy and so and that's definitely not good if the placenta is not like fully attached to the uterine wall. So we're not too concerned about it at all but it's just something to think about and something to be extra cautious about which we are more than happy to do whatever we have to do you know. I feel like I'm in high school again you know why because we're just like I'm like I'm next to this extremely attractive woman and we can't even do anything. Such a bummer. We just have to kiss. We actually did kiss a long time the other day for it was for like 30 seconds it was amazing. Anyway yeah so I guess that's like the full update. Oh so we do know the gender of the baby and we're probably going to I don't know when we're going to help better. We need to decide when we're telling people yeah next week we'll announce the gender to you guys soon we'll announce the name at some point when the baby's born probably when the baby's born. And it is my due date the due date is August 11th which is Abby's dad's birthday. Yeah funny. Well and Augie's birthday is August 10th. Crazy that like Abby's dad has the due date is birthday August 18th. We got a bunch of August. So many August birthdays in her family. What's up with that. Yeah well you know okay what I would try to avoid that unfortunately for the fifth pregnancy whenever that happens. I think we should time it to where you'll have a big bump around Halloween because I think it'd be so funny. I think you have so much. I think it's so cute. I'm really into you pregnant. And I I think it'd be so cute if you had like I could paint your belly to be a watermelon a basketball like so many different than it would just be hilarious. That has been the name of this no one stop. Honestly you have done such a good job of like helping me feel comfortable being pregnant. I just love you like you first of all make me feel beautiful when I'm pregnant like especially now more than ever but then also just like constantly like validating this pregnancy and such like it makes it just feel so much safer like that I am pregnant now. I'm really excited to meet our kid and you've been so excited like about the baby like you being like a hundred and fifty percent excitement about everything has made it feel like I can like be more excited myself yeah that makes sense and so like just I'm so grateful like to have you like through this pregnancy and always through everything but like you've been such a help through all this the thing that we need to figure out is if and when we're doing a baby moon because I so when I love baby moons I think they're so fun and I think we just do a short little trip like we've done in the past not too long you don't want to be away from our kids if we're if we're not for kids like more than two days we get really sad we miss them we usually we usually switch our flight so we can get home for kids but yeah I think we should plan like a short like we can get away and and maybe like we fly we fly my mom out to hang with our kids while we're gone or something I don't know we'll figure it out potentially yeah I love baby moons though how did you guys tell the boys you're pregnant wait yeah how did we tell the boys that we were pregnant I think we like did you just tell them I feel like you just said it we just told them the beginning yeah yeah well I just didn't want to make it a big thing too because I this has happened and I was anticipating it like confusion like and they have had confusion you know yeah and we've had a talk to them about the miscarriage we've had explained to them why mom was pregnant and then she wasn't and now she's pregnant again which with a new baby and I think the simplest way to explain to a three year old what happened is that you know Emerson's body stopped working which then of course Griffin's next question was is my body gonna stop stop working and then is this baby's body gonna stop working yeah which is which is scary but you know I think I think there's always age appropriate ways to talk about these things and it doesn't have to be and I also don't think like kids have that fear attachment you don't need to go in a detail for them yeah like you say oh baby's body stopped working and then it's kind of like okay like it's like they don't really ask follow up questions and if they do then you can just say well yeah eventually everyone's body does stop working and then well it's really helpful to have a name for this baby too and I feel like we waited also until we had a name more yeah and we're like oh yeah like we just called baby by name and they do too and yeah they're very excited I feel like also our kids are very chill like they're not like they they're just they're very chill kids they're very laid back easy going and they're excited but also like they have no concept of like how long the pregnancy is has it already been a week since we found out you need to be on public rest no oh my gosh gosh we have so much more time we're gonna get through it though it's been like four days man Howard yeah I know you've been going out and your walks do you enjoy walking now or is it just kind of it's it's I'm gonna learn to love it I'm listening to audiobooks any fun audiobooks you listening to I know nothing you can't you can't recommend it no but no we're making the most of it it's great and we'll just do everything yeah how do you feel about your hormones this time do you feel do you feel different than you have I feel like the answer is yes I do yeah I feel like I've been been I've been different yeah well first of all I love my bump throwing like I love I love every single bit of it and we're feeling kicks you've been you started feeling kicks like a week ago kicks at 17 weeks you guys yeah like that was like the sweetest like little blessing to field kicks yes so early and that was like such a gift how did you know was a kick you can tell you can tell but like it's just like a little vibration sort of thing like it feels like a little like a little tiny foot just like because when I felt it it you described it as it almost feels like a beating heart in a way like a like a kick maybe I said it feels like a pulse like it's just like a little yeah that's what I felt I felt a pulse yeah kind of that's like there yeah and so we've been feeling kicks as of like 17 weeks which was very early and it was like undeniably what that was and now I like this morning I woke up and I like felt even more than like a kick I felt like like a like a movement of sorts and so that has been such a gift like such a relief so so amazing to experience and to feel like I'd have no like any body changes that I'm experiencing I'm like yes yes I welcome them because that means that baby's growing and that's all we want um I don't know I think we should keep the rest of like because I was going to say other things that I can't do this pregnancy that I was able to do all my other pregnancies I don't know like I've I'll never download the pregnancy apps probably ever yeah I don't know I just have a weird attachment to those I'm not an attachment like a weird reaction to those like not to be I don't want to be dark I don't want to be negative but like um all those apps a lot of times they have like a graphic of like what baby looks like in your womb currently which I think is incredible that they have that but also we have had like a very realistic view of what a baby looks like at that gestation and yeah I don't want to see the apps also it just feels like you're banking on something happening like that you're like I'm not guaranteed to be able to scroll you know to 30 weeks 35 weeks and get to that like I don't know just so many confusing feelings about pregnancy apps much I'm like I don't have to download those it's totally fine it's totally fine I always know how far along I am there's never a point where I'm like because I've seen some moms that have multiples to be like I even know how like how far along I don't even know blah blah like that I can't relate to literally at all like I know how many weeks and how many days I am every single day and you know that's totally fine it's just a little different than before um what are other different things finding out super early the gender was different yeah also not trying to distract myself I feel like I always try to distract myself through pregnancy don't want to do that definitely don't want to do that when I really want to fight against that and like enjoy every single day and view it as a gift and I do and on the days that it's like really really hard like I'm talking about like week 17 I like oh actually talk to the baby like when I'm by myself and so that really helps do I haven't heard you talk for baby that's embarrassing that's not embarrassing that's not embarrassing that would be my advice to like a mom that's pregnant after loss too is like really just do everything you can to just try to stay present and connect it to you oh my gosh you know it just made pregnancy what it's all about you being pregnant maybe you think of what how Griffin asked us for the first time how babies are made yeah that was interesting and I just I said it in the simplest way I said well uh I really just said what a mommy and daddy love each other very much uh essentially mommy gets pregnant yeah I just said want me and daddy love each other I think we could revisit that yeah I know that was enough for him and that was enough he was like all right you guys love each other so mom got pregnant yeah it was really you know it was like but how did the baby get in your belly that was the question I was like what did I say well I feel like we were talking about it and then that it naturally led him to that like I don't think he would have like ever arrived there on his own yeah like you're like do you know that mommy or that daddy loves mommy so so much yeah and that like oh you said did you know that we mommy grew you would have oh yeah I said I told Griffin that we made him so we made yeah and then he's like the way to you how did the baby get in mommy's belly yeah and I said mommy's and daddy's make babies through love yeah something like that yeah so you know that was enough for him yeah well wait well yeah let's that will be a conversation for another day it was a very smart intel question but I think just keeping it as simple and as age appropriate as possible is the way to do it I don't but I also don't like I don't like it would I don't want to lie and I don't like when parents are like don't ask the question I don't want to make it taboo or anything but like I think that that was a very age-appropriate I think it's important though to to for you as the parent to be the one telling your kids how this stuff works totally because think about it like they discover all this stuff from kids at school I had a lot of misconceptions because I never had this extra or or a movie that they're like maybe they learn it from movies and TV or some a lot of some wacky kid at school that like has much older siblings I didn't even know my own anatomy at the time of getting my period that's crazy you had no idea you had more than I know there were three holes didn't know genuinely didn't know that's pretty remarkable that is remarkable that is remarkable I love that for you but yeah I mean I just think I just think that you talked to your kids about it and you want and as comfortable as it is I think diving into the the discomfort and being okay with that just for the betterment of your child is important right we're going off on a tangent I yeah I definitely am but yeah I think you told me a year ago that you did not want to do another summer pregnancy in Arizona and guess what we're doing another you're doing another summer pregnancy in Arizona how are you planning to stay positive to keep cool to not overheat when it's like 120 outside what your game plan I'm just so grateful to be pregnant that I'm like I don't I'll do it any time of year I'll do it however I have to do it under any circumstances so what's up a gap we're going to go for between baby number three well this is baby number four but I guess what should we even say like when people ask us about our kids do we say like yeah we have one in heaven and then two here and one on the way I just always just just consider the person that I'm talking to yeah right so if I'm like talking to a stranger when they say that I have two boys and that I'm pregnant I'm like oh yeah baby number You're three, like, you know, there's no reason. But I actually am surprisingly comfortable to tell random people all the time, like, oh yeah, we had a loss after them. And so like, this is our pregnancy after loss. Like, and that was a girl and I like tell them, like, I feel like, and I do that if it's another, like mom, or another dad, like a parent. Like, I'm like, they know, they've done this. So I just have to, yeah, I don't know. It's just, I navigate this. Like, if it's friends and family, for sure, I'm talking about it in the sense of number four. - 'Cause it, but I know it definitely bothers you and people make the mistake of saying, how's your third pregnancy? And it's like, it's not, it'll be your third birth. I'm like, it's actually my fourth birth. - Yes, you've already given birth three times. - Yeah, two of them, two of them were live. - Or vaginal, yeah. - Well, it's called live birth. - Live birth. - And then one was not. It's complicated, right? - And it's complicated. - And I just feel like, I don't expect everyone in my life to, you know, know, always have the perfect right thing to say at that given moment, because also it changes within me. Like, what feels right, it's just like, but I also don't feel the, like, I can also speak up, you know, and help everyone out, you know, to qualify. - Well, guys, I think that is enough for today. - That is certainly enough. - Are so, so grateful, so excited. If you've been here since the beginning, I know there's been some of you that have been watching, listening, tuning in, since the beginning of this podcast, or even since the beginning of our YouTube channel and TikTok back in 2020, thank you for being here. And to those of you that have left a review for our podcast, thank you. I want to read a review from Kate 109. This is a review that she left on Apple Podcast, and it says, "I'm so grateful for how the two of you show up and tell your story. I enjoy listening every week at the end of the last episode. Abby's, that's all I have, broke me. Thanks for being so vulnerable. I know it's helping many." And, wow, that was really sweet. So thank you for leaving that review. We try to just keep it as real as possible for you guys here, 'cause we want to just-- - 'Cause we're actually just real. - We're just real, right? - That's actually the one. - We're just people, we're just, yeah, we're just a couple dudes making. - Can I say one more thing? - Silly videos online. Yeah, what's up? - I just want to say this, like, our decision to pursue another pregnancy after pregnancy loss was fully out of evaluating was it worth the cost? - Yeah. - And when I looked at ever since, like, pregnancy and, like, short little life, as painful as it was, as, like, life changing as it was, ultimately, it was worth the cost in my mind. Like, it was worth the cost of everything that we went through to get to carry her for 17 weeks and evaluating this, pursuing this current pregnancy. Looking at the potential of getting to carry another baby and getting to hopefully meet this baby on the day that this baby's born alive and healthy, that was worth the cost for us. - Yeah. - And so if you're a mom that has experienced loss and you're looking at everything that's happened to you and everyone's circumstances and experiences are different, and if you're looking at that and you're just coming to the conclusion, it's not worth it, there is no judgment. That is totally valid that you feel that way. We're just sharing our story and that, for us, that was worth the cost. The potential of experiencing loss again, as fearful as it was, it was worth, it's been worth it. And so that's why we felt comfortable trying what we did, trying and trying when we did, is because we just had really thoughtfully evaluated all of it. Like, all the pain, all the fear, compared with the joy and the gift of pregnancy and potential like growing our family and all that, it was worth it. So I just wanna add that there for the mom that's listening. That's like, I just cannot reconcile doing this, possibly doing this again. And that is totally valid. I want you to understand that you don't need, this isn't necessarily the right, couldn't quote, right way to do things, or the most healed way to do it. Like, it's just what was right for us, given everything. So I just wanna say that too. And also like, all I can do is just picture the day that we get to hold this baby in our arms and that really is just keeping us going. Just hearing that cry, being in the hospital, holding that baby, having our boys meet this baby and taking this baby home is just like, literally just like the vision that we just can't, like that we just keep imagining in our heads to get us through each day. So yeah, I'm like crying so much this episode and it's like supposed to be so happy and it is, but obviously like, it's so complicated. So yeah, and yeah, the people that get it, get it. I really know that, I really know that. - Well guys, thank you. We'll see you in the next one, and as always, Peace out.