We're playing for keeps in 2026!

kick this motherfucking mule lead what's happening you savages welcome to another fun-filled episode of the church of what's happening in our new testament becky's not here we got my old man kato back from talking his uh part-time honeymoon and we're ready for a whole new year what's up dog dude i had a great great week i i did i did something that i've only heard people do and it actually worked and i can't believe i did it what'd you do when i checked into the hotel i slipped the guy a hundred bucks and he gave me a much like a huge room he gave me credit to use at the hotel i thought i thought i thought they were gonna make fun of me i thought they were gonna like i and i like i was fumbling with it the whole i had like i had the hundred bucks out with me in line and at first i was gonna slip it between the id and the credit card but he just wanted the id so i just gave him the id and then when i gave him the credit card i said hey it's our honeymoon anything you could do would be great and he upgraded us to like a suite with a balcony it was awesome and he gave me i gave him 100 bucks and he gave me that he sent chocolates up to the room and he gave me 150 in credit so i made money on it that was the coolest thing i felt i felt like such a douche but also like the coolest thing i've ever done when i go on vacation yeah i go on the road i make sure i stop in the bank okay and i get like 200 maybe 300 and just 50 because 100 is too much to give somebody right works i'll give you know i always give about 100 but on vacation those 50 bills they people lose their fucking mind oh my god you know and listen man it's the old adage money talks and bullshit walks you know there was a time when i was growing up in new york city that if you had a reservation right you're going to this restaurant this 30 40 years ago you're going to a restaurant even if you had a reservation if you didn't hand that fucking major deal a 20 or 30 he'd send you to the bar even though there'd be tables open you'd be sitting at the bar for two fucking hours yeah just give him the fucking 50 bucks get the nicest table you make his day and you know and some people like i don't understand how that works it works i didn't and who knows i i don't it might not have worked and i wanted to do it the rest of the trip because i gotta this was like an eye-opening trip to vegas for me it has completely changed but it's like i can see why you don't want to it's nothing but standing in line the entire time even when i had a a reservation at a restaurant you have to stand in line to like get to the front and then like it's another line was are the reservation of the restaurant's that busy were they uh some of them were some of them were pretty busy we were there i think thursday fucking lamb lentil nachos since you like those so much or did you get the cauliflower fucking tacos at the mexican joint do i have any lamb or cauliflower this i don't think i did nobody fucking served that junk and fucking vegas i did go we went to caesar's has a really nice buffet with like crab legs and all like all that stuff so we did that and i i ate so much meat that like i started you ever like get a little bit light-headed from eating like i started to sweat on the way back it was lizard meat no it was not it was at caesar's it was a nice one that don't the buffet it's a fucking buffet you fucked up yeah i did not fuck it was a guy on an olive bill and then you go to a fucking buffet like a it never ends that shit food in the buffet oh no at caesar's it was nice oh yeah right you don't think you don't want to have crab legs and lump they had everything brisket steak no you don't want it nothing that crab leg is from lake fucking havasu okay you eat one of those crab legs you glow in the dark for two fucking weeks oh hey that helped me i thought they closed all the buffet no there but they we did like i walked over we walked for a second over to like some of the new ones like the fontainebleau buffet and i was like oh my god i'm gonna eat that shit food in the buffet was empty it was nice resorts world was empty but nice but we went to like circus like the crappy ones those were not good those were those were a little bit rough that's rough in that dog those little on the other side of casino on the other side of that strip oh yeah that's not bueno no that's not fucking bueno at all i remember years ago i used to do whatever that fucking thing was oh scared scare tax scare tax to shoot in vegas okay so we would shoot off the strip and we put us in the hotel really i mean it wasn't like it was like a best western or something right it was good for them it was really nice down the corner was the place where you got the steak and eggs for a dollar 95 oh shit three eggs steak potatoes i actually wanted that one of course because i wanted to fucking see the hype i ate the eggs but i didn't touch the steak i was gonna say you know but there were 300 people in that motherfucker having a good time with that steak thinking they were at fucking uh smith and walensky fucking high-fiving his shit on the way to the bathroom to shit blood with that meat that meat you're back to eating lizard meat that's good i am not back to eating although fucking lab nachos and the fucking that was lizard meat that was no lamb they sliced it nice and thin just for you no one else i don't i don't even know what you're talking about with no one else had lamb nachos but you i saw i smelled the hit the door that's it no lamb so many people called me like oh it was day i told you about danny braff called me he's like i ordered lamb in front of joey once he gave me shit too what lamb is delicious who eats lamb everybody you don't eat lamb you i've been to dinner with you 200 times and we you don't take me to places with lamb because there's a reason there's a third world fucking nation and shit they're bringing a goat or something like that there's so many shit lamb in america you know yeah rack of lamb is delicious let me ask you a question what's up you said something earlier before the podcast about vegas you said it changed a lot oh yeah and you said that they tried to charge you 100 bucks to set up the fucking sports book dude that was the lowest price so i like the one we went to wanted 250 that day yeah the what oh yeah the what that they wanted 250 for us to set the fucking sports book without and to eat fried fucking yeah chicken fingers oh yeah they wanted when i started going to vegas in 2011 parking was free like valet parking was free and you could go around and have a good like this i haven't been to vegas in a while like years they wanted to sit in the back a hundred a hundred bucks a person to sit in the front it was 200 a person and it didn't go towards your your beverages and now this was nice this was the caesars we also like we gambled and we went to harrah's we went to the flamingo a little bit the shitty ones are but there's not even really a sports book anymore i heard they don't give you cocktails while you some uh some of them do but there's far and few but i don't you know what i didn't see them i didn't see them really in the slots a little bit at the table games but you're not getting any like this guy was playing craps with was drinking rum and cokes all night and all he did was go pee like there was no there's no rum in it it's just all coke but it was yeah vegas i have like especially like every time i come to you can do blackjack all the stuff on your phone if you're going to vegas to gamble there's no reason the for anyone who likes like actually likes blackjack it's a better blackjack game on drafting they use the the decks you don't have to have the automatic shuffler they give you a better payout for for blackjack to gamble on the strip in vegas a lot of like friday and saturday night it was like a minimum fifty dollar a hand or a roll it's a lot it was it's it was a crazy and it was a lot of fun but it was it was definitely it was definitely dead which i wasn't expecting i thought it was gonna be busy it was there were there were people there but not when we were used to go and no walk the fucking things and people it's the winter too it's the how it was a little cold but new year's fucking new year's apparently it rained on new we went up to this is this is i i've been saving this because i know you're gonna torture me and they love that so so we're i'm old and i we didn't really want to like party in vegas so we flew out there on tuesday and and we said we went we drove up to uh zion national park in utah which is beautiful but like the room we rented was like right in the canyon it was like right outside was like all this it was beautiful but it was like a like a nice tent pretty much had bed had it had fire everything but there was no the wall only went up like three quarters of the way to the bathroom so like if you took us if i took i had to like send her outside in into like the canyon to take it was not like a a honeymoon sort of place because if you took a it was gonna get ruined it was it was not good would you ever did you ever stay in a tent anything like that no no alibaba i'm gonna have 40 fucking thieves do you know oh listen i like camping yeah there's gotta be a shower you know oh there's yeah they gotta be things like that listen lee i don't know what you do anymore i don't know what you do anymore at least you didn't come back with a sty no thank god no it was a nice one this every time he goes away but it's funny you said that because i thought about the little jaunt i took okay listen i don't take those girls anywhere every once in a while you gotta take them something you know You know, they do shit on their own and stuff. I hate these three. weeks like i've said before these three weeks are brutal even today you know monday yesterday i woke up ready to stab a motherfucker and there ain't nobody to stab now they're all home like there ain't nobody to stab like nobody's picking up the phone nobody knows nothing they're all retarded you know and that's what burns me up like that's what i don't like about this time of the year so people it's something i don't like christmas i love christmas i got a kid i love fucking around with him but it's those three weeks i can't and i live down there it's either go to the gym go eat lunch and then you're done till seven o'clock there ain't nothing going on i take a nap you know i write i this weekend i cleaned you cleaned i had to i had to my office the fucking garage you know i got boxes in my office of shit that you have no idea did you do it sober or you take a bunch of edibles i'm just no i get stoned and i just get you know i looked around the room and i'm like this shit's gotta go okay i took i had like 10 boxes of shirts that don't fit me why do people always send you shirt mediums and smalls what the fuck so i take them out and then crush the boxes along with the christmas boxes i vacuum that back you know i gotta paint that room i don't like the green i've never felt comfortable in that office okay it's just a room it's not my fucking office like i need to get a couch in there and get a fucking record player because i gave my record player to my daughter upstairs oh you did okay she likes it upstairs so i put it up there for her so i gotta do something else downstairs that's what i did i mean you want to start the year off like clean like i at midnight i got home and i did a cuban thing i fucking got water and i put kakari on it and i put some of terry's cologne i fucking hit the stairs and to clean all this shit from last year what's kakari is uh it's a powder it comes in a rock and it looks like cocaine i was gonna say it sounds like you're describing cocaine and you use it for different things it cleans and shit like that so i did all that stuff you know i threw away fucking notebooks i had these notebooks from 2018 enough i ain't gonna use those jokes no more you know i wish you didn't throw what you should like i want to start like a joey diaz like presidential library or just just like to like i like to say the fact that you have these notebooks going back decades is crazy to me well if you don't know your past you won't know your future especially when it comes to stand-up you know i started working out with a guy okay after the my last that weekend before i went into the hospital the last time in october it was a rough weekend it was a rough weekend emotionally because i got to go to the hospital and i got to go to the hospital and i got to fight with a good friend of mine and my wife got into a misunderstanding with the guy that was training us okay and she told me on friday night so thank god i i had control two days to think about how i was going to handle it and when i called him you know i called him and i called him out on it and okay i apologize didn't matter but i started training with a new guy and today as i was walking he goes i gotta show you something this guy had every workout down the weights he used the amounts the reps and he showed me he goes like right here you got so much stronger here you got so much you know because it's a 12-week chart right he can see what you were doing he shows you everything and i was blown the fuck away i was blown the fuck away that he had kept those records you know i look at those notebooks to see what my state of mind was how much comedy i was doing at the time how much money i was because everything was written in those books right whether i bombed i did good i tried a new joke i got 50 bucks i got 2 000 bucks i got 100 bucks i got a fucking can of tuna whatever the fuck you put on there right so you know where you are these were the notebooks from the netflix special and the year before and the year afterward i said gone i don't even know what 2019 is i threw away all the calendars you know like the things that i have right because i have notebooks then i have a calendar and that calendar will tell me where i am the little things i gotta do i got rid of six of those motherfuckers and to see those and to look at one now it's two different fucking worlds oh well yeah you were touring like a full time no just when i looked at those calendars there were days i didn't take a breath till fucking midnight like when i got home from the comedy store that was the first time i was going to sit at home and i sit there and look at these things and go how the fuck was i doing it i gotta take a nap now i go to the gym i gotta go home and take a fucking nap for an hour yeah but that was also six years like it was you were you were young a younger do and you also were used to it like i feel like if you i don't think you want to but if you got back into that rhythm i think you'd be okay i don't think i can handle that rhythm anymore but i don't think i can handle that rhythm anymore that was that shit i was fucking too much 2019 there was like four weeks in a row i went on the road and i mean went on the road and i shot a movie and it's like no wonder i lost my mind and i think part of the mental health issue i had when i moved back was was i had a bunch of fucking issues but the main one was separating my life from that old life it was rough i didn't know what i was doing i didn't know whether i was coming or going i didn't know what i was doing i didn't know what i was doing it's the reason why people don't retire right because they lose their mind at home this is the first time i was fucking home well that's what i was gonna say is like it seems like like your uncle who's 80 something right now like i've like if i know you how you can slow down but it seems like and not everybody but if you stick with it to a certain point like what you're doing now like you're doing it half time or whatever you want to call it i think it's good like if you like if you listen there's no way i'm gonna stop at this point i thought about it i like what i'm doing right yeah that one show a month to make me work and make me think and just to get me you know like actually i don't write jokes i mean i write ideas and then i log the ideas together right that's what i'm trying to do now you know so it's it's become interesting right okay the writing has become interesting there's nothing like getting a solid bit and going oh shit i'm gonna do this shit i can compare this to this i could run it through this so that's got me i'm hooked on that again i'm just not hooked on getting on fucking planes again oh i don't blame oh i can't do it i can't somebody offered me next weekend and it was perfect i could have gone to austin and then then dallas with him i'm like i don't know i don't fucking know let me ask you this though i like i know you liked being busy does it feel good like thinking where you were at my age financially like you wouldn't have turned that down back then but now you can like 37 yeah i wouldn't have turned nothing down if you didn't give me what i wanted i'd just rob you yeah 37 nobody was paying me any fucking money they were giving me 200 100 250 you know right it's 100 for gas or something like that you know there was no money but i knew how to pilot on it so there was a green there was always money right because i knew you got to take as many gigs as you fucking can but does it feel good to be able to turn it down now yes i started turning things down like in 2015 when i knew how the game was you can't say yes to everything you gotta say no to a few things if not you'll lose your fucking mind again but then you have the short window of mind that i had i'm 55 i ain't got much time left to do make this money right so i'd rather jump on it right now while i have the chance but there was a week and right the december before the pandemic that november and december were fucking real like i'm talking about miami new york drive up to boston the next day theaters on saturday you gotta take an extra flight it was starting to get fucking rough my back was in pain my back was hurting i enjoyed it though i enjoyed every bit of it looking back at it you know i had a great time it was a great education we made some money but i can't do that again that level and where my mind was remember i told you it's not the work you put in it's where your mind is if i did comedy every day like if i said to you right now forget it lee i'm gonna do comedy six nights a week i'm gonna dedicate my self to this shit after six seven eight twelve weeks your mind goes somewhere else and your mind zeroes in on shit and your mind doesn't let anything else in and that's not fucking healthy when you sleep walk everything stand up but it is healthy yeah it's not healthy but it is healthy because this is what you want to do and especially like does did it distract you from like some other like bullshit that was going on in your life like you didn't have time to worry about like other Well, that's exactly my point. When I was doing, listen, before any of that shit, but once I stood, and I'm embarrassed to say this, but I'm not. Once I started doing stand-up and I got into that zone of like the eighth year, the ninth year, you were done. Like anything to do with you was done. Not that I didn't love you, but I just don't have the time. Right. I'm on a fucking, I'm on to something here. And what you want to, you want to go to a concert, or you want to take me away for three days, that's not going to work. That's not going to work. I got to be at the store. Right. When I tell you I have to be at the store for $15 fucking dollars, no reason to be there for $15. I could borrow $15 fucking dollars, but that wasn't it. I was at the store, and it didn't matter. This is your shot. Everybody dreams of their shot. Everybody dreams of their shot, and then they go get their shot, and now they want to lay down. Oh, I'm going to take up golf. No. Now is not the fucking time to take up golf. Now is not the time to fucking do whatever personal things you want to do. I didn't have a life for a long fucking time. Am I proud of it? Yes and no. Because what's a life? To go to a giant game, to go to a concert, you know, the same shit over and over again. Right. I like the adventure of getting on a bus and not knowing where I'm going. I liked all that shit. Oh, it's so much fun. Getting in a car, and whatever's going on in your world, it's you and the steering wheel. You're talking to the steering wheel. And there's nothing I like more than like a long drive by yourself. It shuts the noise off. You can't do anything else. Look, I flew to Miami with my wife three hours each way. Okay. All of them had phones and computers. I said, no, no, no, no. I'm going to tap into this fucking coconut. To see what we've got. I've been for the last 10 fucking years. And I tapped, and my wife even said to me, she goes, I didn't know what you were doing. She goes, you were just looking out. I go, I was thinking about how did we get here? Right. How the fuck? There's little things that I forgot, and I remembered things. Just little, I put myself in scenarios. All right. It's June of 2005. Mm-hmm. You know, what was going on? I just put myself, because you hear people going, how do you remember all that stuff? Well, you got to work. You got to work on it. You work on your memory? Yeah, you have to work on it. I never even thought about that. Well, it's by opening up a cage and looking at it from different perspectives. Right. So when I do it, I didn't do it for fucking, like, I did it from when I fucked up. Okay. Okay, when you fuck up, whether you put in the wrong joke or whether you go to fucking prison or whether you hit some head in the bottle, somebody in the head with a bottle, you have to look at it from your perspective, and then you got to step out and go, all right, this is what we're doing. This is what really fucking happened. This is what really fucking happened, okay? And I was just thinking about those situations. And how do you, how do you put those situations out of your mind while you're going through it? Discipline. Wednesday night, I was telling, Wednesday night, some topics came up in the green room at the dojo. We were talking about discipline. We were talking about different things. And I've always told you this, that there was a window of six months where I would pick up my first daughter at two and have to drop her off at seven. Okay. And every time I went to drop her off, it would rip me apart. They would torture me. They would say little things to me. Hey, make sure she doesn't eat the seeds on a Big Mac. You know, I need this shit. Don't take her to see Jurassic Park. She'll have nightmares. And I would get in my car and bawl. And for like a month, I would drop her off and then go get a gram of Coke and drink and fucking feel sorry for myself. And then I go, that's done. That's done. If I'm going to make it as a comic. So I started putting a joint in the ashtray. When she pulled off with a fucking Range Rover and I'm in my car that I have to use a tug thing to close this door. Oh, Jesus. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. You know, and I would just cry and I would smoke that joint and force myself. And I would go to that fucking pizza place where the guy was an Elverson person. He weighed 500 pounds. That's amazing. And I would go to a steakhouse 52. And, you know, and I forced myself. It's kind of like a discipline. It's a fucking discipline. You got to force yourself. And you're going to make people unhappy with your decisions. But you're playing for keeps. You ain't got time. Listen. You came into my life at the wrong time. If you would have came into my life six years ago, we would have been on. Ask my wife. Ask my wife how intense I was about comedy. I didn't think of marrying her for seven fucking years. And it took two to fucking marry her. It's, you're in it, man. You're in it. And then people go, well, you don't really have a life. What? You know what, man? I wake up in the mornings now and I don't have to rush out of the house. And to me, that's worth a million dollars. Yeah. That's worth, that's worth a lot. That's worth a lot. And that's what I wanted. I never wanted to be at the same place at the same time every fucking day. I couldn't do it. As spoiled as that sounds. So you have to work around your fucking limitations of what you want to do. Right. Well, it's because I know, I know what you went through with your ex-wife and your daughter. But like, do you ever, how did you deal with stuff? Because I knew years earlier, if that would happen with my wife and my daughter, I would have quit comedy. Okay. That was the easiest thing for Joey. That's a, that's a Joey move. All day long. Right. Well, things got rough. I'm not going to do comedy for a while and put them on hold. That's what losers do. Right. That's what the old Coco Joey would do. Well, I'll put it on hold. Just quit. I'm trying to get this situated. Let me go smoke, smoke pot and do coke and figure out this situation. That wasn't it. That was, there was no time for that. I had to fucking do, I was, I was on a mission. I was on a fucking mission. And you know, when everybody has nice things around you and you live in a fucking apartment like this, I had an apartment like this for $400 a month. I didn't cook in there. I had a fucking metal shower. It was metal. It was like a foam boot. And you haven't even heard of a metal shower. You know? And after a while you just get sick and tired. And I was doing all these things and I wasn't getting no money or anything. But I knew for me to get money, I had to prepare myself. - Right. - For me to get to the destination where I wanted, I had to prepare myself. And that's what most people cannot. I lost my parents. So I had no reason to please anybody. - Right. - When you lose your mom and dad, who the fuck are you doing it for? You're doing it for you. But I just, there was an inner fire in me that I didn't want to keep living how I was living. And then I got to LA and I was living how I was living. And that started wearing on you. - Okay. Yeah, oh yeah. - And then you get a couple movies, you do this and you get a little daylight. But then a week later, you're broke again. And you're like, what the fuck am I doing? You know? - It's crazy 'cause like I was thinking about it today. The last, I guess like four or five years have been like, they've been great. I've had a great time, but there's been three people in my life who are like, I never thought would leave me or who have like really disappointed me. Over the last, and it's like, I was cool. I don't, I keep everything inside. But like the last couple of weeks, it's been kind of nagging at me a little bit. And I don't, I'm nowhere, I'm not quitting comedy. I have no desire. It's the only thing that makes me happy really. But- - If you quit comedy, they won. - Oh yeah. - Okay. They, whatever got into your head, won. They won. They won. And that's one thing I love about comedy. Whether you're broke as fuck, with no electricity, no food, you could always find the stage and you could always talk about it. - Mm-hmm. - You could always talk about it and go, what the fuck, man? I'm 37. I live in an apartment. I can't afford the water bill. You know? - Yeah. - That's the truth. So that's what I was going through. And then I met Ralphie and I met all these other guys that were all going for the same thing. And that helps, you know? It's tough for me to tell George, if you do this for four years, you're gonna become a millionaire. People, that shit goes in one ear and it goes out the other. But then when your friend gets a half a million dollar deal and another half a million dollar deal a year later, and then when you see a buddy of yours that you shared shit with for two years just to eat, and now he's moved into a fucking house and he's got three cars. So you see it. It's not like, this guy worked for 20 years and he had a bakery. You didn't see it. You just heard the story. - Right. - And then you're like, okay, I'm gonna open up a bakery and do the same thing Mr. Parmesano did. - Yeah. - Give me a break. Give me a fucking break. It's that fucking thing, you know? It's just, you want the things that, you know, you just want things. And dog. And for seven years I wanted things and I had this fucking addiction hanging over my head. From time to time, I would buy a pair of pants or a shirt or a T-shirt, and you're like, going to these places, people have nice clothes. You have, like, fucking farmer jeans on. They're two sizes too big for you. You know, it just got old, man. Yeah. So if I'm going to dwell on that shit, then I might as well do comedy. And I didn't mean to interrupt you. No. When you have what you had, and this is what I tell people, you got to check on the skeletons in your closet because if not, they check on you. And that's exactly what happened on that flight. I checked on one of my skeletons, and it fucked with me a little bit. I went on stage last week, and I talked about it, and I fucking killed. Oh, great. But listen, man, when you go on stage, is there anybody there with you? Nope. Okay, then. That's the story of stand-up comedy. And you do stand-up now, and I do stand-up now, so I could tell you my issues, okay? Okay. But my nephew, Nick, what's he know about fucking stand-up comedy? Right. So if I come to him, so you're living in a world that nobody understands you. Right, okay. Nobody understands you when people come to you, oh, my God, we're going to Long Island this week, me and my girlfriends and all the husbands, and you're like, I'm not doing it. And they're like, what do you mean? I mean, everybody's going to be, it's Saturday fucking night. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, it's Saturday night. You want to do those things, do them on Wednesday. Well, can't you cancel? No, I can't. People don't want to hear that. Right. And I've told you a thousand times, next time you're on the road with Josh Wolf, ask him. When you had those parties with Scott and the people jumping up with Joey Diaz over there, never. I had a spot. Yeah. And even though I was a junkie and I wanted to snort coke, I had two spots. And you know what? I think when people are used to you doing stuff for them or just saying yes, the first time you're like, you don't do exactly what they want. Even if you're not being an asshole, even if you're just like, I got to do this for me. Honestly, that's what happened with the people who really let me down. It's like, I've always been a people pleaser. And as soon as you're like, oh, I got to do this for me, a lot of people don't like it. Yeah. And that's okay. Because they're not on your dream. So, fuck them. Fuck them. What I used to say to you, people will never understand your dream. Okay? And this is what I want to do, man. Oh, well, you'll be back in three years when you fucking find out how hard it is. Motherfucker. Motherfucker. Motherfucker. Yeah. You just showed your colors to me. Now, I'm deafening. I'm going to do it. And I'm going to come back and ram it in your fucking ass. Well, yeah, with a stack of hundreds. Yeah, fuck yeah. With a stack of hundreds or with a big black dick. I just got me Amazon. Real quick, let's take a breather here and talk to you about DraftKings. We all the bowl games and the pick sixes. A lot going on in the sports world. And DraftKings is here to help you out. We'll be right back. Hey, Uncle Joey here for DraftKings Sportsbook. The number one sportsbook for live betting is making money every moment of the NFL playoff. Worth watching. DraftKings is turning up the stakes with over 2.5 million in prizes up for grabs every Sunday. For your shot at the pot, head to DraftKings Sportsbook app. Opt in and receive a promo token. Then place a live bet of $14 or more on any Sunday playoff game. That's it. Every live bet means another chance to win. Last night, Pittsburgh was losing. 3-0. I bet 20 to get 100 if they won the money line. And there I am. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and press in code Joey. J-O-E-Y. That's code Joey. J-O-E-Y. Bet live for your share of $2.5 million in prizes with code Joey. J-O-E-Y. In partnership with DraftKings. Where the crown is always yours. Gambling problem? Call 877-8-HOPE-NY. Or text HOPE-NY 467-369. 21 and over. New York only. Eligibility and restrictions apply. No purchase necessary. Three sweepstakes with separate opt-ins. Minimum odds minus 500. Prizes either bonus bets that expire in seven days or a single-use profit boost. See official rules at DKNG.co slash live millions for entry period and free method of entry. Sponsored by Crown Gaming Inc. We're back, Jack. Anyway, I like talking about these type of issues on the first or second podcast of the year. Okay. So people know, like, they look at things and they go, all right, what is my year starting now? What do I want to do this year that I haven't done before or, you know, and it's funny. We were talking about discipline before. I was a fucking junkie for 29 years. I couldn't control my, and I've told you this once before on this podcast. When it was to comedy, I did it to the T. Even though you were doing drugs? Everything else in my life? I didn't do it to the T. Comedy, I did to the T. And nothing stands out more than it being a Friday. And I used to hang out with this girl in L.A. when me and Carol broke up for like three months. And she used to fucking, we would both do drugs and eat each other out. Disgusting stuff, you know? And she called me one day in the afternoon. And she goes, tonight, let's, after your spot, let's get together. And I'm like, okay. And I had $15. Like, it was a Friday. I was going to pick up like three checks for $45. Okay. I'll never forget pulling up to the comedy store and there's five cases of Jack Daniels, three cases of whiskey, you know, three cases of vodka at me going. Just two of those cases of fucking Jack. I could sell them at a liquor store for 60 cents on the dollar. And I remember going, no. And that's when I realized. I was like, okay. And this is 10 years in. Maybe not even. Nine years in. I realized that fucking how serious I was about this. Because any other time, I would have stolen the fucking Jack Daniels. But that was the day I realized, okay, I'm on to something. I respect what I'm doing, finally, in my life. Do you think it was because it was at the comedy store? Like, if you had seen that, if you had pulled into a liquor store parking lot, do you think you would have taken it? A liquor store, yes. Okay. But an improv, a comedy club, no. Right. I didn't want to go there again. I didn't want to ruin my chances like I've done thousands of times. Thousands of times before. I could tell you how many opportunities I blew in regular life. I was like, I'm not going down there today. I got high that night and didn't show up. Or, you know. Right. This opportunity, I didn't want to blow. So you got to take it a little serious. And, you know, like I said, man, me, Ralphie, there was a couple of us that were on the same page. That we didn't give a fuck what you were doing or what was going on. We're going to do comedy. Doesn't matter. Oh, my mother's coming to town. Tell her to take an Uber. And I'll meet her at the hotel at 1130. Why? I got a spot. You're not taking a, no. I'm in L.A. I'm in a fucking, I'm on a fucking, I'm not in Tulsa, Oklahoma doing comedy three nights a week. Or fucking South Jersey where you do comedy. No. I'm at the major leagues. And after that, I got to go to Laugh Pack. And now you want to come with your fucking parents and throw me off for five days. We're going to go to Disney. No, we're not going to go to fucking Disneyland. I'm not doing any of that shit. I got auditions in the daytime. Well, you know. No, I don't know. No, I don't know. Because I could be on my way to Disney with Mickey Mouse ears. And all of a sudden, I got an audition for a TV show. I ain't doing it. So I wouldn't do shit. People would say, don't you want to come? What was that place? Remember they opened all those restaurants where the Chicago one. Remember they opened up a Chicago, Pittsburgh restaurant or something. Remember that? They had the black and white shake. And it was from Chicago. Oh, yeah. You took one of your freaks down there. Not Primanti. I don't know. That's in Pittsburgh. The Chicago, they have the steak and they have the hot dog and the cake shake. The cake shake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The cake shake. People say, come down, dog. It's 40 minutes. 40 minutes each way with no traffic. That's three hours. Three hours. I don't have three hours. Yeah. Yeah. But. But nothing. That's three hours. Three hours. Go get a hot dog and tell your friend. Stay up here. Write a joke. Get together with your buddies at Starbucks. Yeah. That's what you. That's what we did. We were going to Ralphie's in the afternoon. We got five bucks. Get some sodas and write some fucking jokes. Did you have a time where you tried to go do one of those things and you got an audition or like. All the time. Your car broke down and couldn't make your spot. I learned that. Six months in. Because when I first moved to L.A., I lived in Hollywood for two or three months. And then my girlfriend got an apartment in fucking. What's the other one where fucking Motley Crue crashed his car. Right around the corner from that place. Okay. That's an hour 15 every night. Oh, no. At 12 o'clock. And I had no brakes on that car. What? That car was on metal to metal, Jack. No. There was no brakes on that car. No wonder you learned to drive so fast. Oh, my God. Shit. So I would have to go all the way down there. And then you have an audition. You got to come all the way up, do the audition, go all the way back, and then come. back to Hollywood at 10 o'clock at night. Fuck that. I ain't got that type of time. That's too much fucking driving. You know, and people think like, well, it's only 20 miles. 20 miles in Jersey at 5 in the morning is a big difference than 20 miles in L.A. on that 405. Oh my God, that could take you hours. People don't even realize. People, nah, you can make it in three hours. I'm not doing it. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't care about any of that shit. It's got nothing to do with me. I didn't move to L.A. to go to Disneyland. to go to San Diego. to fucking any of that shit. I was there 23 years. Tell me I went to the beach 23 times. Not even close. Not even close. If I went to the beach 10 times, and the last 8 times was because I had a kid. Right. So before the kid, you weren't getting me to do dick. I think you went to the beach once and you did it for a Mad Flavors World video. Yeah, that's it. That's it. It's too much, man. I don't have that kind of life. And I saw people and those are the people that do that every day. We went down and played Frisbee. They're the ones that call you and go, I don't know what's going on in my career. I'll tell you. You were down there playing Frisbee on fucking Friday. Holy shit. Speaking of Disney, have you found out at all like one of your adult friends is like a Disney adult, like a guy or like a. I stopped talking to him. If they have like adults go to Disney just for fun without kids? Listen, I was telling my wife the other day, I go, because my wife always brings southern desserts to these parties. And they eat like two slices. And I tell her before each one, why are you making that? These people don't eat that shit. Well, they told me they all love pineapple upside down cake. Then you get there and they eat a little slip. Okay? And I'm stuck with the fucking cake at night when I'm getting high and I got 8,000 milligrams edibles. Now I got to walk past a pineapple upside down cake. Okay? And this is constantly. Any party she goes to, she brings something from the fucking south in South Jersey, Central Jersey. And every time, about two weeks ago, she didn't buy a pecan pie. She bought a big one from Costco. And I go, what is this for? And she goes, oh, I'm bringing it to the party. I looked and I go, Terry, those people don't eat pecan pie. They all told me they want it. That night at the party, I looked at it. There was one slice taken out. I didn't say a word to her. I didn't want her to feel bad, but I had to tell her two days ago. I go, that's enough with that southern shit. Okay? She goes, I was waiting for you to bring it up. Yeah. Because, stop it. Nobody gives a fuck about the south here. You can go all through Jersey, all through New York City. There's maybe one or two places dedicated to the south. And that's fucking, you know, that's like a long thing. You know, you're not going to get ribs from the south here. You're not going to get half that shit here. You're not going to get barbed. These people in the Bronx, they make good barbecue. Listen, give me a fucking break. Right. Okay? You want barbecue, you go to Austin, Texas, or somewhere in Texas, Houston, or you know. But again, so I told her, I go, stop with that shit. I go, these people like fucking cannolis. These people like the same cheesecake from Costco. But a cheesecake from Costco, it goes first. I go, they're the same boring people they were when I was growing up in Florida. When I was growing up in Jersey. One of the reasons I left Jersey, that's embarrassing to me, is everybody from Jersey goes to Florida. That's all they know how to do. I think that's the whole northeast. Florida is the big savior. So every fucking Ginzo I grew up with, they have two weeks off for vacation. One week they go to Atlantic City, they break out the white shoes, God forbid. And this is before the Borgata. You know what I'm saying? When they were going down and acting like Cheech. And then the other week, they just go to Florida. Then they come back and tell you how great it was. And then you're back fucking digging trenches. Right. That's no vacation. You gotta go back and dig a trench. That's no fucking vacation. My point is that when I told people I was going to Colorado, they looked at me like my head exploded. And I was so happy. Because you boring motherfuckers do the same fucking shit. The same fucking shit. We went to Florida. Listen, I don't like Florida that much. I never have. There's a certain areas in Florida that you go to and they're hip. You get lost in Florida, bro. That's a different type of redneck. That's a different type of white dude. That's true. And the more you go up north, it gets creepier and creepier. I don't think you have a problem with, maybe you do have a problem with Florida, but I think it's like people do, like the whole, like if everyone gets like the Stanley Cups you hate it when people do like everyone does the same thing just to do it. What do you mean? Like what Nick just said. Nick said you don't like trends. And I would agree with that. But just like. We're going to jump on fucking everything that's brought up to you. You don't remember L.A. One of the biggest things that bothered me in L.A. was baseball season. Everybody got a Yankee hat. As soon as the Yankees go to the playoffs, bro, they could be from Mars. They could have a Somalian daycare. And they'll still have a fucking Yankee hat on. Like we're Yankee hats. And it looks bad. Okay? You see a girl with the ponytail, that cunt look? You look bad. You rehearsed that look. You were home for an hour. Putting the hat on, the ponytail. It looks bad. You look bad. Yeah. You don't have any mind for yourself. You don't have nothing for yourself. Everything you switch, oh my God, there's a new pizza place in the village. You have to order a pizza and pick it up at 5. What are you talking about? I will smack you. There are 200,000 pizza places that you walk and get a slice of pizza, and the pizza's acceptable. People jump on trends. I am not going to jump on a trend. And I will do it on purpose to prove to you that I can live without that. That's the discipline. Right. I can live without that. I told you guys a story about quintessence. Never went to quintessence. People would bust my balls with going to quintessence. I refused to go to fucking quintessence. And the more you bust my balls about it, the more chances I got of not going. The more I hear people go, oh my God, you gotta go. They drop you on your head. Okay. Yeah, that's what I want to do. Leave me the fuck alone. Okay? If I was to put every shoe on, like these are $50 sneakers. And I get $50 sneakers all day long. I just walk into fucking Kohl's or whatever and I take a. But if you want me to pay $300 for a pair of sneakers that look like some fucking Somalian dude wore them, I'm not doing that. Black, red, green. What the fuck? White goes with everything. That's it. I want red, green. I gotta put the pants to Matt. Leave me alone. I've never been so happy to be wearing white shoes. Yeah, white sneakers. That's it. End the fucking story. Everybody's. You can wear it with a pink fucking jumpsuit. Yeah. What are you gonna do with those clown fucking Julius or whatever? Those Michael Jordan shoes with green or red? Well, I like your sneaker game. Oh, thank God. You know, you like my sneaker game. Get the fuck out of my face. That's great. It's. It's hard. I think a lot of people struggle with that. With. You know, cause like, I see it. I know what pizza place you're talking about. They gotta wait in line to put your order in and come back. When you told me. And these white people, they bite right into it. I'll wait two hours for a pizza if it's gonna be that good. Listen, first of all, you're from Pennsylvania. You wouldn't know a pizza. If it hit you in the fucking face. Right. You're from Iowa. You wouldn't know what a pizza is. You're from fucking, you know, all these places where pizza's not irrelevant. They don't put no effort into making a pizza. You know. No effort at all. You know? So, then they come here and all of a sudden they're pizza fucking moguls. Listen, if you know anything about me. Right. If you're under 10 and you're talking to me about pizza, I already looked the other way. Ask George. I can't. I don't have time. Under 10 years old? If you're under 10, you're allowed to tell me. I went there with my grandparents to a pizza place in Parsippany and it was pretty good. But when grown men tell me they're gonna go somewhere to get a pizza, that's when the conversation ends for me. You can't don't respect them at all anymore? It ends. I don't know what you're doing. You might as well get a little hat with a propeller. Is that how you see people when they talk to you about stuff like that? A little game that goes like this? When people talk to me about that, there's something else you can be doing. There's always something else you can be doing. You know, well, they said there's a great pizza place and it's an hour and a half from here. Let's go, Nick. No. No. I'm not doing that whether it's Saturday, Sunday, Friday, Monday, Tuesday. You want to go take the hour and a half break? Go ahead. But there's no reason to talk anymore because you're a fucking moron. And that's the way I look at that shit. Life has so much to offer, but you've decided that pizza is everything in your world. Well, anything else? Anything else? Listen, I'm sitting here talking from a pizza perspective. There's a thousand people at home going, Joe, you snorted Coke. I would never do Coke. Yeah, well, I would. That was your hobby pretty much, yeah. But it was fun for me. It was fun. That's what was fun for me. Fun is not, you know, I see people and it's like you're making believe you're having fun. There's no way this could be fun. Something's not right here. The paperwork ain't right. You just, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. Like how we started this with like the Disney thing. Like if that's fun. And I went with my ex and her kids and we had a good time. But it's like to go there without kids. It's kind of like. Even with fucking kids. It's a one time deal. That's it. Okay. One time you saw. Listen, I am very grateful for my daughter. I am very grateful. I am upset because she got a lot of my shit. That upsets you? Oh, yeah. Because it's not a way to live. It's not the way people should live. You know, but she don't like Disney. She don't like American doll. She didn't go for any of that shit. We went to Disney World one time land. And she was like, I'm good. And I'm like, I love you, Philip. Because I'm not going every year. I am not going. You can't even buy a water in Disneyland. Now you're making me $9. You can't bring your own water. Little things like that. This is a kid place. Yeah. If I want to go dressed into Disney with a rocket ship up my ass. That's what Disney is about. It's not about charging me $9 for a fucking water. Oh, yeah. They fuck you. I have a couple across the street from me. And I love them dearly. I spent Christmas with them every year. Love them. Love them. She's one of those Disney people. Like twice a year, three times a year. Wow. And I goof on her all the time. You know me. Of course. I'm sure the entire time she's at Disney, she's getting phone calls. But I love her. She makes the best pasta fazool. She makes some of the best food I've ever tasted. So she gets a pass. Okay. She goes to Disneyland all she wants. Okay. As long as she has my chicken with fucking potatoes. A couple weeks before I got up, man, she brought me that chicken with the potatoes and the sausage in it. And she makes the potatoes separate. What is it? Oh. I went upstairs. That was New Year's Eve. I stayed up till four. I went upstairs and I found that shit. The chicken was clean, Bobby. And she had spicy sausage in it. Oh, nice. And the potatoes were fried crispy to the crit. Oh, my God. So she gets a pass on going to Disney. She gets a pass. She gets a pass. She gets a pass. George is my brother. He gets a pass for that pizza stupidity. You torture him constantly about it. Because he's an adult. He's 60 years old. So what does a pass mean? A pass means, like, you know, I just leave him alone on some efforts. Because I love him. I love Nick, but he's got a fucking Tesla. Oh, yeah. You follow me? But I love him more than the Tesla. But every time a Tesla cuts me off and slows me down by 15 fucking miles per hour, I'm like, I got a problem with Nick. He represents all Teslas are Nick's fault now? Yeah. And Priuses and shit. I hate those. Those Toyota Priuses, bro. They're always at the worst place at the wrong time. What is that? Anywhere around you? Dog, I almost killed one the other day. And I had to pull up next to him and go, you're a dumb fuck. You don't know how lucky you are to be alive. I made a turn. He was right there. He just stopped to park. There was no parking. The parking was like this. His car was like this, a Tesla. And he's like looking at it. Prius. Prius. You know when you make a right and it's right there. Look, if I wasn't paying attention, I would have sent him to the fucking. If I was like looking around, listening to music, he would have still be in the hospital. Oh, yeah. You know, they're just dumb fucking people. I think the saving gas made him stupid. You know, I think it made him stupid the way they fucking drive. Yeah. And then they will not leave the left lane. They refuse. I take everything out of my car. I used to be one of those people who used to throw shit. I used to have those little paint cans and shit. I used to steal them from Boulder Auto Body. I had thousands of them in the car. What do you mean paint cans? Little paint cans. Instead of a big paint can, they're like this. Oh, they have like little. So for people listening, it's just like a little. It's a touch up. Okay. And they fucking hurt. And they'll dent your car. They'll break a window. Oh, shit. And I would sit on my wife's car driving. And I would flip them over this way like a grenade. And people would fucking stop and shit. I will fuck you up when I'm driving. I have stopped because I'm an adult now. So I can't be doing that shit to people. But when did you. I feel like you were doing it up until like recently. It's not like you stopped when you were 20. I think you stopped at like 44. If you know anything about me, I haven't stopped doing anything except shoplifting. And it's killing me. Killing me. Every time I go to CVS, people are walking out and shit. And I'm standing there paying $80 for a box of nicotine gum. Thinking, who's the fucking asshole here? Fuck. Fuck. You don't think you're going to do it once? What, shoplifting? Yeah. It's against my core now. Fuck. Like, I would love to steal something now. Like $800,000 or something. Somebody's got money in their house and shit. And we get away with it. Oh, but even like Josh and Jacob love to. Like, they torture me all the time. Because we went to a mall in Houston once. And we went to a whole Nordstrom. And there was a $7,000 jacket just on the rack. And it, like, gave me anxiety to think about, A, spending that much money on it. Or just having it out. Like, if you were at. That jacket just ain't out. They got alarm tags in it and sensors. Fuck you. They probably have, like, a little rope connected to it. There's black people in Houston. That jacket is good to go. Oh, my God. We'll be right back. We got to talk to you about some products. We'll be right back. Then we'll wrap up the show. Uncle Joey here for Quince. Listen, a new year means a new wardrobe. Quince has everything you need to stay warm and look great. Mongolian cashmere sweaters. Sharply tailored Italian wool coats. Down jackets, denim and leather outerwear. Built to last at all amazing prices. Listen, I love the blazer they sent Lee. It's unbelievable. I'm waiting for my box. I should be getting it this week. 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She gets whiter and taller. The other day she had like a fucking shirt on. We come back from the gym and she took off like a sweatshirt. You got to see this. This size of her fucking shoulders. Yeah. Oh, she works out hard in that fucking gym. I've been taking her to that fucking gym for two sessions a week. Even Jimmy Florentine was like, dog, I don't know what they're doing with her in there. She's doing a bunch of shit like fucking run, pick up a 20-pound ball, slam it, run a sprint, slam it. And she likes it. She signed up. She was doing one. Then she came to me. She's like, dad, I need to do two. I go, you sure? She's like, yeah. So does she? Because we, like, she's been in softball for how long? Five years. And like, because I was never at all, like, there was not a minute of my life that I thought I was even going to play high school sports. Like, it was, it just, is her goal like college, like softball? Because she, it seems like she's doing a lot of cool shit. You know what, man? This is. of slave of the month okay you know will she stick with it i hope so but she really like now she's talking about switching schools because the school she wants to go doesn't have jazz band and that's her other thing she plays the stand-up bass and the fucking whatever bass so her music teacher told her she goes terry i'm at mercy if you stick with this you'll get a scholarship nobody else plays this there's no girl playing a fucking bass that big oh wow cool so she's into this shit too is it cool saying or have like specific interests because like when you're a little kid i would hear her play the bass and i would sit downstairs going what the fuck one that i actually went upstairs i watched it i was like i called my uncle i go who knows how to play this shit what are you learning how to play this shit well you have two people like have you talked to your cousins at all yeah i thought were the musicians yeah i talked to them i talked to them i just found the one he's in belgium so we've been talking on instagram oh nice and then the other cousin she talks to me a lot more than anybody in my family but do you think any of that could be genetic like the music and like the art absolutely yeah absolutely that something runs in your fucking blood what it is i don't know i mean my family and i'm not going to tell you what it is but i'm going to tell you what it is no comedians unless i don't know about a great uncle who's doing comedy in cuba or something or was a house mc or something like that performing you're right it's in your blood man yeah it's in your fucking blood you know and like for her to be 13 you know for jews that's when you become an adult i'm i i know she's not gonna have a mom like do any of that stuff but like she's turning into like a little person now that's like it's like a legit oh yeah it's real and in no time she'll be doing college stuff yeah like in no time i'm telling you it's fucking fast and you sit there and go holy fuck just the fact that i've been here for five years yeah like the novelty's one off i'm here you know five fucking years it's insane how fast these last couple years have gone and i'm really happy about it i mean hey listen i'm not going to tell you what it is but i'm going to tell you what it is this is the evolution i'm not going to sign up for an anti-aging class i'm just going to lift weights and go to jiu-jitsu and box and drink water you have none of the have you do you do any of that stuff like the anti-aging that creepy guy with the with the shiny skin whatever have you seen that guy what do i look like i use anything for my fucking skin he's creepy he who knows he might be smart but he's spending like millions of dollars and into like reverses like and i should probably do something like he's also selling like a drink mix that he uses for like they're all over the instagram go on instagram they got protein for old guys that's going to change your life they got this they got that last time i checked a good steak takes care of fucking all that shit a good steak with a handful of fucking broccoli or a handful of asparagus on that's it that's it you don't need all those supplements if you really really think about it the creams listen i got like fucking dry skin i get rashes but i don't put like shit under my eyes and bags i am what i am i'm a fucking billy goat you know what i'm saying this is what it is i'm gonna be honest with you i didn't realize like what washing your face meant until i was like 35 and i would wash my face in the shower with just like the soap but like my ex had to like oh no here like you gotta do like use some like face wash and then use some some lotion like i know i never did that i gotta take a shower the second part of the day okay because the first what i'm washing off in the morning is whatever came out of me at night sometimes i wake up with an itchy ass you know so i know i've been scratching that motherfucker all night so you know there's something comes out of your body at night all right but like i'll go even if i don't work out let's say i have a day off on wednesday and i don't work out when i hit the shower again at four o'clock i'm a greasy motherfucker like when that water hot water hits me the first three minutes it's like when you walk into a garage you see the oil and the water i could feel it hitting me and i could feel like whatever i have on my skin is fucking disgusting so i take that loofah and i loofah everything then i fucking my hair you know right i got an antiseptic for my ear you know in the shower i got all this shit i use right but it's to be clean not the fucking anti-inflammatory the age you know but i do all that stuff there i know you gotta wash your face because listen if i didn't wash my face i'd have blackheads the size of that fucking lamp oh i know i just got a facial to get rid of shit before the wedding i gotta scrub my face man a couple times a day i got that one stuff my first wife used to buy me that stuff when i real clinique oh yeah like i was fucking good for men i have no i had no fucking they have like a charcoal soap you could use you know they have a couple things i bought the box the sampler okay two years ago in sephora it's like a woman's store but they have a little section for guys in there i went with mercy and i was gonna say yeah yeah and i went over and i got some of that and that that's great stuff you know but if not guys you know i'll have blackheads i pull out blackheads out of my nose now they're like eight inches long they just go and they have to squeeze it like with a fucking thing like a squeegee i got like a little nose squeegee i just scraped my nose but i could feel when my pores and my nose are clogged by touching it i'm like fuck i gotta go take a shower i feel like that's you just love you got addicted to that now oh yeah i dig into this side here oh yeah i got a lot of oil in here and it smells when i squeeze it it smells inside my nose like i'm driving on the turnpike inside your nose yeah i thought you put on the tissue i don't smell that shit that shit terrible have you gotten into because there's like a whole series on youtube of people popping blackheads and shit you don't like that oh so you just like doing it to yourself you don't like watching other people do it no that chinese lady that's disgusting when she gets out of those people they should throw those people in prison that come in like that they haven't showered in 200 years they got they got a lump on their neck and this poor chinese lady you know i can't i don't want to watch that shit at all is that why you think they get stuff like because they're huge like it's like man they have so much you ever squeeze something that something comes out i love squeezing and it looks like something you ate two days earlier like when you look at like you got a pimple on your ass and you pop it pop and it pops like that and you look at your nail it's got like a little yellow little green you're like it must have been that fucking cauliflower taco i think it was the lamb nachos sometimes you eat and it comes out of you right pimple and they just never they never get rid of anything you i kind of like those not i'm not gonna lie not i like i like certain things they have these big black heads that are called like the dilated poor and they it just looks like a rock coming out of your side it i don't i don't love they do gross me out but i like i i gotta be i'm surprised you don't like it here's an interesting point when i weighed 415 pounds right i couldn't walk past my wife without going joey come here for a second i gotta get that blackhead off your back it's fucking sticking out you don't get no blackheads on my back now has he lost weight yeah i think just something changed my metabolism something that i don't have any blackheads on my back well you can probably clean yourself a lot more yeah because at 48 like it probably wasn't easy like like that's what i like that's probably did he start using the loofah at 418 that's what i was just thinking 418 yeah what's that your weight i used the loofah before that you did i've always not everyone uses a loofah and then a lot of people don't use a fucking a cloth you go to prison those black guys will torture you they'll call your net even though they take showers once a week you take them every day when you take them if you just put soap on your face they'll walk by and go you're a disgusting white motherfucker get a fucking towel so i started using a towel yeah and the towel takes the old skin off the top layer that's peel it off in february oh my god i don't that would be is that the worst part of prison is taking showers with people no i took a shower by myself but they would come in to shave or whatever even still i'm not even just talking about them like trying to have sex with you like i'm just like the idea of like walking through prison with like a towel around your waist i don't even what are you talking about like that like you have nothing to protect yourself like you're a diagnostic when they give you a shower every other day no saturday sunday shower and when you go down there you're going down there with 300 people and you're standing in a line there's one guy pops out you walk in oh and the water is not caliente like at home you know i'm saying it's not that type of water you'll sit there and go where's the hot water and some of you're looking you know there ain't none you're like okay this is it and bro you go in there you're like and they leave the room and they leave the room and they leave the room and they leave the room the door's open there's a window open listen here's prison in a nutshell it's funny when you see these people who want rights in prison. Prison was not for rights. You're punished. You did something bad against society. Why must I give you this? And why must I give you that? Go to prisons in foreign lands. You think they do what they do here? Three fucking squares, they give you a haircut and shit? No. Some prisons just throw food in the middle. And you gotta fucking dive in there in Cuba and those primitive countries? Don't just come in there with a Cuban sandwich and 20 motherfuckers. You don't eat until you stab a motherfucker. I get it. That's a struggle. Want me to tell you the lesson I got from prison? Yeah. And here it is plain and simple. If you don't want another man telling you what to do, don't go to prison. And that alone kept me out of prison. There's no way on this planet a man's gonna come into my room, kick the bed, and say, get up, shithead. Right. Because that's the even worse than a job. That's all, like, your entire life. So if you want people telling you what to do, if that don't work out for you, and I'm not telling you people go, hey, don't forget to take out the garbage, don't forget to pick up the cannolis. No. I'm talking about fucking, you know, hey, this, that, this. Don't do it. And that's what deterred me. The prison was easy. I loved it. Being with a bunch of guys, sneaking drugs, and no work to go to the next day. You know, since I had a driver's license, I had the best job. A lot of people go, and they don't have a little driver's license, they never paid a water bill, you know. So if you're, like, active, you're way ahead of the fucking game. But that's what I got, because I think about it from time to time. If you don't like people telling you what to do 24 hours, or, let's break it down, a man telling you what to do all fucking day, don't get locked up. That's it. Why is that so hard to deal with? I just didn't like it. For me, I didn't like it. I didn't like people calling me names. I didn't like people fucking saying things to me. Come on, get up on the line there. You know, all that shit, I didn't take to that. It doesn't work for Uncle Joey. If for some reason so, then I won't go back to jail. That'll keep you out. It doesn't work for me. They got no Chinese food. They got no Netflix. You know, there's no reason for me to be there. And that's it. That's it. And then you just curb your life avoiding going to jail. That's it, you know. I don't fucking know what I'm going to do. I'm going to be 63 next month. Yeah, your birthday too. And I'm just lucky every day that I get up. Like, I'm just, like, grateful that I just make it to the shower and I fucking eat breakfast with my wife. We almost made it through a whole episode without you talking about dying. What? You're talking like you're 85. No, but I'm 63, and you have to accept what's coming. I can't say to you, hey, tomorrow I'm going to join the Mr. Olympia contest and expect to win. Joey, you're 63. They have a division for you, but they ain't going to pan out. Right. It's just, I'm not giving myself a timeline or anything. I'm just saying that You're getting old. I know. This is what I got available to me. I got both my legs. I don't know when this knee's going back in. This is going down any week. This knee's going down. I can feel this motherfucker just buckling one day. So why not just go and get it fixed? Why are you wearing it until it breaks? I'm waiting for it to kibosh. I'm going to try to get as healthy as I can before I go in there, because once I do this, I'm not going to be able to do anything for six months. Except maybe lift weights sitting down. Yeah, but you said you can feel it coming. Oh, yeah. Listen, you get fucked in the ass. You can feel herpes coming. HIV's coming. If you're going to keep fucking in the ass, I'm going to keep working out. The leg is going to buckle. Eventually. Well, with that analogy, of course it makes sense. But I want it to buckle when it's about to break. I don't want to just take it in there and I'm like, oh, wow. Whatever. I'm going to take it out of commission for six months, and then I'm not back until 63 and a half. Tough to come back from 63 and a half with a bum fucking knee. Yeah, but if you feel it, if it's going to fix it now, do you? I guess. Trust me. I got a couple coils fucked up in there. The beach in Florida hit me. The whole fucking thing hit me. The beach in Florida. I thought you weren't allowed to go to Florida, by the way. No, I went there. But the next trip we're going to Colorado. That's going to be fun. My next trip is Colorado. Yeah. I told them already the whole thing. We're doing one more big trip, and I'm good after that. You're going to do it one time a year? And here's the funny thing. When I was telling my daughter and my wife on the boat and Chef Brad, somebody called me from Boulder. I haven't heard from him all year. I'm sick. And he was like, bro, when are you coming? I go, you know what? For you calling me, now I'm going to go to Boulder. I really want to go to Aspen, but that's just going to be. Listen, nobody's going to ski. Nobody's going to ski. Right. If my daughter was going to ski or something, like if we were going to be up there for two weeks, and I could put her in like a school where she's going to ski every day, but for three days, you're not going to ski. Two, four days, you're going to ski the first day, and then be sore for two days. So I don't. I might as well take her to Boulder in the spring. Right. It's really fucking nice. You can look at the university. You can see the mountains. Three, four days, and that's my last vacation. Because I don't see myself 12 hours on the plane to go to Hawaii. I don't see it. You got to stop in San Diego for two days or something and eat a taco, not a cauliflower one, a regular fucking taco. But there's so many. You could go to the Bahamas. I got no passport. You can't even go to Bermuda or Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico, I can't. Can I go to the U.S. Virgin Islands? I guess. It has the word U.S. in it. Really? With no passport? All right, maybe I'll take one. Because I get not wanting to go to Hawaii. That's a long fucking flight. To swim with sharks and shit? Forget it. Well, Colorado. We went to Zion before we went to Vegas, and we drove through Arizona and Utah, and I was talking about driving through Colorado, because it's very similar. It's like driving through the Rockies, but there's a lot of grass and little farms on these sides of the mountains. Driving through Colorado, I love the Southwest. It's my favorite. But if you go to Colorado in the spring, it's going to be. She might end up going to college in Colorado. Tremendous. It's so pretty. Tremendous. Take her to Boulder, walk around for four days, see what hippies are left. You could even go, and I don't know if there's a show. It's funny. Something else happened in Miami. When I was walking on the beach, some kid came up to me. He's like, hey, man, I lived in your old house last year. No way. And I go, where? And he goes, 10-12-14th Street. I go, come on. He goes, I lived upstairs. That's crazy. That's my old apartment in Boulder. 10-12-14th Street. Oh, in Boulder? I thought I was in here. Yeah. That was when I lived on the hill by the university around the corner. You're getting called back to Colorado. Yeah, and I might even do the Fox Theater in Boulder. Sick. I might just make the whole trip, like, get there Tuesday, and then do the Fox on Friday, and then get the fuck out of there Saturday morning. That's been a thought, too. Yeah. I mean, that's a good way to at least pay for it. Now you feel like you're working. But that's the problem. I don't want to feel like I'm working. So how about this? And I'm not telling you, because you're never going to do it, but I think you should. Go out there for two weeks. No. Do one week with the family, one week with. So give yourself time to do a show. But you do. There's no two-week vacation. It's not a vacation if you do a show. Listen, there's no two-week vacation. What if you did Denver, Boulder. Shut your mouth. Let it go. Let it go. I ain't going nowhere for two weeks. Fucking two weeks. I went to Florida for four days. I missed my bed. I missed that cat so fucking much. Bring the cat. Bring Greg. Fucking two weeks. Get the fuck. There's nowhere on Earth I want to go for two weeks away from my bed and how I live in my. Four days and I'm struggling. That fucking last day, that three o'clock flight in the afternoon, never again. Never again. I got to fly out early. There's nothing to do. Nothing to do. We're wasting time here. Walking around. Oh, let's go do this at 11. No. Because you're leaving at three. You know. You can't eat Popeyes. You might shit blood on the plane. You got to watch what you eat. You can't eat. You know. You're not going to go to McDonald's before your flight, a four-hour flight. He does that type of shit. I mean, this knucklehead landed in Kennedy last night about 11 o'clock at night. No, early. Yeah. Early. Seven o'clock. That means you left Vegas at one or something. We left Vegas at ten. We got back at like six, whatever it was. Six? I don't know. Yeah, the flight was delayed like a motherfucker because you didn't take the first one out again and, you know, that's love. That's love. Love, yeah. Get the fuck. Get up, bitch. Five in the morning, we're leaving, bitch. I don't give a fuck. Get up, motherfucker. I got a rule. You just left at three. You're up later than I did. You what? You just said you left at three. I had to. That was the only flight available. You had options. Not one week in a row, but two weeks in a row you had options to come. I took a 10 a.m. flight. You what? Took a 10 a.m. flight. But it was two hours delayed and that's why you got here at six o'clock at night in Kennedy. And then you flew into Kennedy like a genius that you are. They don't have any non-stop flights to LaGuardia. Then you don't go. That's it. That's how you get out of it. You gotta go over there for fucking the week after Christmas and get stuck at an airport like these idiots did. No one got stuck. Yes, you did. You got delayed for two or three hours. You got into Kennedy at 7 like an idiot again. After we just told you the week before to take the early flight. 7, 6, out. Everybody get up. I don't give a fuck. If not, you stay here on your own. Honeymoon or no fucking honeymoon. I wish that's how it worked. You literally just the same day had a 3 o'clock flight. But why did I have a 3 o'clock? Because you chose a cool airline. Right. And they only have two flights a day. Right. One here and one there. You didn't take a cool airline. They don't have cool airlines. You took a fucking shit airline. I know she's a millionaire, but you sat in coach in the middle smelling other Hindus and God knows what. And you left at 10 o'clock. So, you know, why all this money are you going to have? All this money to sit in the back with fucking civilians again. No one's in the back. I don't get it. Oh, you sat in the middle. Big fucking deal. With all that money, with 10 pharmacies. I'd be in first class, four seats. And she sits there and I sit here. I got my own seat. You sit there. You eat the fucking cauliflower. I'm going to sit right here and do what the fuck I want. Scratch my balls. Sniff my fingers. They got you in the middle. Oh, we got more leg room. What the fuck? You just told me she had a building. What the fuck leg room? Cash the building in. Her parents have stuff. Who gives a fuck? Then go hit them up. I married your daughter. She told me she had money. It's over. No one told me. From now on, it's first class. Tickets all the way. And we don't go nowhere, darling. First class. And we don't go nowhere. I didn't marry you for fucking help. I married you because you had millions. Let's do this shit. Oh, Jesus Christ. What? Right? That's who you told us on the plane. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. She's got a million dollars. Oh, my God. You say it on stage. The whole fucking thing. I don't say shit. And now you're married and you're stuck in coach in the back. We got extra leg room. And we left at 1030. Yeah, great. What the fuck is wrong with you, Lisa? Nothing. No, it was not delayed. It was wonderful. One o'clock, it's a five-hour flight. God damn it. Five-hour flight. Oh, my God. Unbelievable. Sit in the middle again. No one's at the middle. As soon as you fucking get that ring on, bitch, it's over. Okay? We're getting a limo to that place. There's going to be a guy cooking real food. Well, then, what'd you get married for? Because I love, what do you mean what I get married for? No, you told everybody. No, I didn't. She's got millions of dollars. No one said that. In the plane from Florida. Did he not say that to us? That was not the reason we were getting married. That was your excuse over and over. No, it was not. She's got millions. You don't understand? Oh, you're such a liar. I can't put this out. This is not, what are you talking about? And now you're sitting in the middle of a plane. This is not the truth. It is the truth. It is not the reason I said we were getting married. You told everybody. No. You say it on stage that she's got millions of dollars. No, I say that she has more money than me. She's got a lot of money. Then what the fuck are you sitting in coach for? If you got all that money. Oh, my God. What a waste of fucking money to sit in coach and sniff fucking Arab feet back there. Why'd you marry a rich girl? I marry a poor girl. Why? Because she's an idiot and she married me. I don't fucking know. Well, you have this big deal, this wedding, the money. She's not getting a building. She's a millionaire. And two weeks in a row, you sit in the back of the plane like an immigrant. Like fucking that Maduro had a better ticket. They even gave Maduro a better ticket. You're killing me. You're killing me, though. Millions of dollars to sit in the middle and fucking smell farts. Maduro had a first class ticket with his wife. They were rubbing his feet. The whole thing. And that's a D.A. They don't rub nobody's feet. Holy shit, dude. It's the truth. No, it's not. She's got millions. I'm sitting in the middle. I'm sitting in the fucking middle like an idiot. Like, fuck it. I had nothing. Because no one pays. Because I pay for shit. Huh? Because I pay. Well, you gotta tell them. Listen. That's over with. It's over. In fact, I'm quitting my job next week. You got all these millions. Tell daddy, papa, to give you a job in the pharmacy. A no-show job. That's it. You go over there. You put aspirins on the shelf. I'm not doing this. And you go home. And I'm going to Colorado next week. I need two first class. But you're going to start acting like that cop in Scarface. Remember what he told Tony? I need two round-trip tickets to Europe. First class. Make it an early flight. Seven a.m. Six. So we get to our destination. So we have a day to breathe before we have to go back to work on Monday. We just don't get off the plane like Puerto Ricans. Go home, throw your laundry, and now you got to go to work the next day. Right? Don't tell me you wasn't going to say she was a millionaire. Yes, you did. She got a lot of money. Yes. You're using different. I never said any of that stuff. I never said there was a reason I was marrying her. You said she was a millionaire. I say she has more money than me. You're giggling on stage. She doesn't have any money. What the fuck are we doing in coach? Give me a break. Because that's not how life works. Do you remember how it was? Remember like I told you about Paula's mother? If she ain't cooking, what's she doing here? Oh, my God. If we're not sitting in first class, what are you doing here? I could have married some chick with points on their visa or something like that. That could have got me into first class. Points on their visa. Yeah, like American Express card with points on their visa. They get foot massages and shit. Where's your honeymoon? You're sitting in coach. You're in coach like a dunce. You got to sit in first class and tell people. She's got a lot of fucking money. Don't worry about nothing. No. Just go like, when people look at you, go like this. Look. I married correctly. I'm wearing sandals, but I got a million cash in the house. So who's really rocking this motherfucker? I'm wearing a chic towel, but I got a million fucking bearer bonds hidden. I love you, Lee. I love you, too. But you got to get it together. That's it. No more coach tickets. You married into money. Hindu money. You got to go down there and tell them how it's going to be. I can't put any of this in the fucking podcast. Yes, you can. No, I'm not. Yes, you have to. No. Because you said it. I did not say that, dude. Did anybody not hear him say she had a lot of money? Tell me the truth. No, you're asking for. I don't say that. That was the reason we got married. In Philadelphia, I was sitting right there, and both of you were giggling. Yes, it's a joke that I have. No, it's not a joke. But you said it. She's a millionaire. I said yes. And now you're sitting in coach. But that's not why she's married, and it's her parents' money. Yeah, her parents got money. Well, it's time for you to go up there and tell them. What kind of parents want that kind of guy to marry their daughter? No. They all do. Listen, millions of dollars. I don't need them to give me millions of dollars. I'm Jewish. I'm a king. You understand me? You people are my servants, okay? So that's it. I don't want to work. I don't want to do nothing. I want to fly first class all around the world. That's not how that works. No, just come back on Mondays and do the podcast. That's what I would do. I'd do it on Zoom. What the fuck? You're going to sit by the UN the rest of your life now? You got to go, Jack. Go. Oh, my God. You got to go tell those people. This is how it is. I'm a Jew. My mother used to cut my toenails until I was 35. I need people to take care of me. Now when I fly, get the jet. We got to go. Get the jet. It's been another fun-filled episode. Where are you at this week, Cockley? This week, I'm at the Comedy Shop during the week, and then on Saturday, I'm at Artisanal Brewery in Saratoga, New York. Very excited. Ooh, how far is that? Three hours. Another brewery? Yeah. Not the one. No, not the one. The one in Hartford that I shut down. This one seems to be doing well, thank God. All right. We got the Dojo Wednesday night. That's it. Oh, I want to talk to you people. There's a benefit for Marlboro football at the Thursday at Uncle Vinny's. It's Jimmy Florentine, McMahon, a couple guys. They're funny. If you're not doing anything, go buy some tickets. Uncle Vinny doesn't have the tickets at the door. Just go down there and buy the tickets that night. I don't know exactly what the charity's for, but there'll be nobody riding on coach on that fucking trip. First class, normally, with sandals, everything. Paint your toenails. A diamond in the fucking toenail. Are you kidding me? You're a Jew. That's how Jews live. You don't see Jews in coach, Lee. Only ascetics. Dude, you don't pay for first class. Who? You. Yeah, I do. When the comedy club's giving you some money for it, you buy coach tickets to get upgraded. Who told you that? You. I never bought a coach ticket in the last five or six years. When I was flying a lot, and American Airlines would upgrade me a lot. You'd get upgraded. Nobody upgrades me. And if you're waiting there to get upgraded, you get to the airport thinking you're going to be in first class. And first class is like two grand a ticket. That's not happening. Listen, it's your honeymoon. And this wasn't even a honeymoon. We're going to do a bigger one of an actual one. Listen, it's your fucking honeymoon. That's it. It's over. No more trips. You got shit to do and people to see. You want to go on a honeymoon, it's first class. All the way, everything. Limo drive, a guy playing Indian music. You know how we do it. And that's how we do it. If you're going to be an Indian, you might as well rock like me. Who said I'm an Indian? You did. When? You threw your yarmulke away and everything. No, I didn't. I wore my yarmulke at the fucking wedding. It's probably got cauliflower in it or something right now. It does. It's a fucking Jewish taco. Now, no more coach, okay? You married a rich chick with her own building, and they got buildings and shit. I ain't got no buildings. Remember when I told you, living like a doctor? Yeah, I haven't heard that. Living like a doctor has nothing to do with money. It never does. - It never does. - Well, it has to if you're paying for it. - No. It's an expression in your head. It's like a state of mind. You're living like a doctor. When a club would give me $750 and the ticket would be $1,000, with $300, I'm living like a king. Yeah, if that was an option, but I don't have it. No one's giving me that. It's $2,000 each way for the first and last ticket. No, no, no, no, no. That's when you get that oil money. You get that Indian money. You get that pharmaceutical money, that hydrochloric oil money. They get that shit. They get kickbacks from that family over there. It's not my money. I'm not asking my parents for first class. It doesn't matter whether it's yours or not. It's yours now. No, it's not. You're the king. You got to go on that demand shit. I kept her in a good place. I really don't think this is good advice. I think this is terrible advice. $4,000 a week. That's not going to cover my first class ticket. But they're going to give you $2,000. So you're going to get $8,000 a month. That's $96,000 a fucking year. Okay? That's not bad for fucking doing nothing out of pharmacy. And then you shake them down for the plane tickets and big tickets. No one's even shaking them down. You got to shake them down. You're out of your mind. That's it. You're not flying in coach no more. It's over. You're going straight fucking. She's rich. What the fuck? You think if Terry was rich, I'd be sitting here with you? I'd be fucking somewhere smoking cars and driving or picking her up. I don't even know. What are you waiting to get a Lamborghini for? What? Yeah. You might as well get a Lamborghini in New York and fucking drive it around. Yeah. You're taking this the wrong way, Lee. You're not taking it for. You gave your life. You got married. It's over. What's over? They got more money than you. I'm caving. I'm caving. I need your cash. Go over there. See the NDS. Hang out with them. Oh, my. Yeah. Tell them you want a cyber truck and the whole fucking thing. It's over. That's it. I'm not living like this. Now I got to live cheaply. Huh? Pharmacies. I want limos. I want bitches. I want a little guy playing the snake all day long. I'd have him here. I'd have him here with me right now. Oh, I wish I had a trained one right now. 200 a day. Give him 200 a day. Don't stop fucking. I don't want that snake to sleep. Don't give him a pillow at all. Holy shit. What's another fun filled episode? And we have the St. George Theater on the 31st in Staten Island. Get ready. Tickets are moving fast. So get your shit ready. Get your shit together. You want to say anything? I love you guys. That's it. I don't know what you want me to say, dude. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. And we love Lee here. We just got to keep him in check here because he's clipping already. He's been married a week. He's already fallen through the caves and shit. Not flying first class to Vegas. Are you fucking kidding me? I love you motherfuckers. Have a great week. Stay black. See you next week. We'll see you next week.