We Finally Explain Art

We were just talking, I don't know. Oh, we were just talking about funny videos. Excuse you, quiet on the set. Damn. She will keep you here till four. I will keep you, you will keep me here till four. I have a nail appointment. Do you think these shoes are corny? No. I feel, a lot of people wear them, I'm always like, that's so fun and simple and cute. But then when I wear them, I look like my grandma. What about my Herman Munster edition? Well, those are kind of fun. Where are those from? The shoe store down the street. Wow. The Snackaterium. The Snackaterium. Those are really pretty. So there's, okay, fun. There's a, I went to a store to buy these shoes and the really cool, oh God, this guy is so cool. Love this guy. What's so cool about him? Okay, let me tell you. What brings the coolness? There we go. I like the yellow one. I do too. Do you ever have sugar free? No. I went in the store and I bought these shoes and he just told me Queen Latifah was just there. Oh. And then this guy was just great. His name is Jay. He's just so cool looking. He's just hot. What store? It's called Politics. Oh. And so nice. So helpful. Very young. Just, I mean, devastatingly handsome. And then just like dressed all cool. Not wearing those giant, huge, fucking windy baggy pants that are so on trend right now, which I appreciated. The last time I saw him, I believe he was wearing some kind of skinny pants. Do you like skinny pants? Ah, it depends. It's context dependent. I feel two ways about it. Where it's like, if I wear my little thin, my little slim jean, I feel like it's like, millennial, f*** it, cringe. Yeah, yeah. You're cringe. You don't know what time it is. What are you, three years ago called? They want their f***ing f***ities painted on pants back, you loser. Right. Kill yourself. But also, I feel like if I bought like a lovely wide leg JNCO, they'd be like, what are you trying to be young, you old ball? You old f*** it, you should kill yourself. So now instead of clothes, I'll just take a kind of a large bath towel and wrap it around myself and I'll just wear that places. And that way people know I'm kind of opting out. Yeah. And you're out of the shower. It's like people who don't have social media. I don't have clothes. No, yeah. I mean, we know one thing about Trixie is that she's always running out of the house at 5 a.m. with wet hair. I am. This is a secondhand shirt. Isn't this bird shirt great? It's great. And then this is an old Trixie bucket hat. Bucket hat. I wear it in the pool a lot. It's terrycloth. Does it make you think that I'm kind of like Malibu's Most Wanted, Jamie Kennedy? Wait, is that Jamie Kennedy? It makes me feel you're a fun and whimsical, full of whimsy. People love whimsy. Oh, my God. That TikTok audience is like, y'all need whimsy. I agree. That's how I felt when I walked into your party. And I don't know if people were dressed up. I was like, where's the whimsy? But I think it's because a lot of people don't want to fuck you. So they're like, I'm going to wear my sexy clothes because she'll see me and we'll fall in love. But I was like, the theme is Italy and Christmas. Where's the Christmas cookie? Where's the Christmas nookie? Where's the leaning tower of Pisa? Where's the nookie? Wait, did I tell you about the level of drinking that happened to me? I talked about this at the Wiltern show. Which, by the way, lack of air conditioning. Shout out to the Wiltern. We'll never be back. Well, you know, it's always a wrap when you see the plaque outside that says this is a historic building. That means there's no plumbing or air conditioning. They were like, oh, you know, agents and managers and stuff were there. I was like, bring them in here. Bring them all in here. Wrap a terrycloth, throw around them. Put an afghan around them. Warm them up. Yeah, where's the wool? Where's the heavy wool? Where are the scratchy heavy wool sweaters? Up to the chin. And Fina, again, bringing me down to reality. Fina comes in and goes, oh, well, Conti's room is just an ice box. And then leaves. Closed the door behind her. I said, oh, great. Perfect. I'll just sit in here in the Easy Bake oven at about 350. Yeah. Again, I think there's, I'm sensing a theme in my life. Maybe I'm coming up to some sort of psychological milestone. Hot, her trainer. The lovely guy. Unbelievable. One of the most attractive people I've seen in a long time. Yeah, no shit. And I'm like, god damn, it's all corrupt. Tall, so handsome, so young. The eyelashes, the white eyes, the perfect skin. I was like. I know, I was like, oh, okay. All right. Okay, so we're doing that now. What baffles me is I'm the same species and gender. I know. Like, when I see a bunch of dogs and they're all the same breed and gender, they all look the same to me. Kind of. Right? Lots of opposite. Animals, like animals. Yeah, no, I know what you're talking about. But me and this guy are human animals. A standard poodle and a pug. I'm saying same breed. Oh, same breed. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Me and this human. Me and this human. Me and this human. Me and this human are same animal. Yeah. We're same gender. Same species. But one of us is doing something very fucking different. One of us is doing something that belongs on a Petri dish. One of us is doing the la-da, la-da, go, go, go. Yeah, come drinking. So, wait, how did this drinking happen to you? Okay, so it was my friend H. Allen Scott's birdie. L. Ron Hubbard. Yes, H. Allen Scott, his birdie. His what? Birdie. Oh, birdie. This is his birdie. That's from Mr. Wonderful, too. It's his birdie. Birdie. So, we decide to go out. You know, we're all in our- What a meaty calf. Thank you. We're all in our upper 40s, so we all put on our pancake makeup to go to West Hollywood, right? We all put on our fucking house paint. Stop it. We all put on- We all put on our TV paint stick to go to happy hour. Oh, my God. Our pancake makeup. Looking embalmed. Thank you, thank you. Looking like Jessica Chastain. Looking like the killer. Tammy Faye. Tammy Faye. We all put our lashes, we all put nail polish all over our lashes. We all put nail polish all over our lashes. And then stick them on and put mascara over that. You know what I hate when drag queens do? What? The bottom lash is upside down, so they go like this. It drives me up the wall. That's like saying when they put their pants on backwards or when they wear their shoes on their shoulders. That's wrong. It's wrong. It's wrong on a lot of levels. It's wrong and it's wrong. Just so you know. There are no rules in fashion except for that one. And I don't like- It's fine, I'm not in charge of other people's drag, but I think somebody should hurt them physically, their bodies. A lot of drinking should happen to them. Right. I want to take a long piece of- I want to take a long piece of sandpaper and take that front of their knee and just go like, something mean. Something to teach them a lesson. Yeah. I want to push them into a wall. Right. Right, right. So we go and we go to this place called 33 Taps in West Hollywood. And I guess I've chosen- Craft beer? I've chosen 36 to love West Hollywood. I love the way West Hollywood- Craft beer? Maybe. Okay. It's a gay bar. I don't think anyone's going for the craft beer. Pancake makeup. I imagine- Pancake. Community theater shading. Scratching your face and then- Nail. A huge divot. I take my Ben Nye character wheel. I do contour, highlight, blush. The Wells Fargo wagon is a- Girl. Your character- Dinner theater. My character makeup. Wet. Wet. No powder. No powder. Wet. Wet mud. And then all my laugh lines. The cake makeup is- Yes. Love. Yes. Scream lines. Scream lines. So we go and it's drag queens. It's drag queens. It's Godoy and Samara hosting a bingo. I walk in. And I haven't been to a drag bingo in a long time. I love this girl, Samara. She's so unbelievably beautiful. I go, your highlighter. Oh my God. You look so beautiful. She said, it's your highlighter. I was like, oh. Wasn't even fishing for it. I was like, oh. Fierce. And then they just look great. And I'm sitting there and I'm not a good listener. Bingo is hard for me. The numbers are fast. I used to- No, no, no. I used to host bingo, which is very easy. You just say numbers. Five, 10, whatever. Six, seven, whatever. Or being at bingo, I'm like, and everyone at my table is trying to drink it. I can talk. I'm like, shut up. I'm dobbing. I'm dobbing as fast as I can. Because I want to win. Of course, I don't win. I've never won bingo. I've never with someone who wins. But it's- No one wins. It's like Ashton Kutcher's hiding to be like, we're going to follow her for her whole life to make sure that every bingo, it's fixed and rigged and she can never win. But what do you- But it's not your fault. It's random though. It's universe. It's God. It's Gaia. It's the moon. It's the earth. It's channeling the divine. It's Mercury. It's Mercury. It's Mercury. And they're sort of like, guess what? You will never win. Damn. You will never win. So how does that make you feel? It's fine. We had some drinks. Then they brought over shots. And I guess because I haven't been eating much, I was like kind of already not noticing that I'm a little drunk. But everybody has told me my whole life that when I am drunk, they can't tell. Okay. Like I'm drunk now. I wonder how many times you've been drunk with me and I haven't noticed. I've never really been drunk around you. Have you noticed I never- The other night at the Wiltern, the fact that I had wine on stage, do I ever do that? No, I was worried. But I had like this much. Tracy said, hmm. But I do see you butt chugging it before the show. I never drink on stage. You get up and there's an empty bottle of wine that falls out of your ass. Oh, it's the Aveline Cameron Diaz wine. It shatters. And then I sit down on the shards and I just grind on the wet shards and there's blood. That's horrible. Let's take a break. I'm sorry. Oh, Aveline was the sponsor. They pulled out. They said, what did you fucking say? I do like Aveline wine. Aveline? Aveline. A-V-A-L-I-N-E. I think it's Cameron Diaz's company, but we just had a bottle of it. I was there tracking some vocals. I was like, I'm going to have wine. Wait, you can't find your vocals? No. At the microphone. You're a tracker. No, I was doing a vocal. I'm doing a tracker. No, but you understand the joke. I understand. It's just not funny, faggot. You're like, it's close. She's close. The bridge is right around the corner. Echo location. I'm doing this track with Rekno, the DJ producer. Rekno? Rektum? Rekno. Rekno. Bass house. Really faggy. Long pony. rapping love. And I got to track the vocals in my dream. drag closet the one that used to be by the pod the pod room is all fabric so that's where I go to make because it's like a soundproof because I don't have a boof a boof sound boof I'm boofing it in the sound boof look at the boof it's about a live Burberry Cologne she's tracking her vocals and boofing it she's boofing herself while she tracks her vocals so um oh she's boofing so drinking in the boof no we're drinking at the event okay so then we go I guess I I mean I never in my life even brown out drinking I don't know what was special like fuzzy memories something about this day the lights went out in Georgia the lights went out tootsie nationwide nationwide grid paralyzed nationwide is on your side so I wrote that we should do more of that singing call 1-800 east west yes of course all you gotta do is call 988-667-AMPIRE love that too when you've got um uh uh call JJ Wentworth 860000 the other one is when the sun is blazing the summer gets hot what a country's a very cool spot there's no better place to feel and be on what a country have some fun people are listening to this being like why would I subscribe to the peace slur more of this yeah yeah yeah yeah let's take a break and now we're back what a country what a country so we go and I guess we go so I'm gonna Tarantino this I'm gonna skip to Monday Monday I'm filming a piece for a press piece oh the dog pressed up against the window the killer I'm filming a press piece and the interviewer goes it was great seeing you Friday I said have we met he says we talked Friday I go oh I'm in drag I go Oh. So let's turn Tino back to this night. Apparently, we went into Revolver, had shots, I guess. Found out days later. Did you lick him? Did you lick him? Don't remember speaking to him. Don't remember talking to him. Don't remember his face. Don't remember being in there. Did you feel up on his legs? So then I guess we went to Mic Drop, this new West Hollywood karaoke bar. Water and milk. Because I was with people that. Love to drink. I want to say something about Mr. Wonderful. At a certain amount of. At a certain time of night with their drinks involved, there's going to be singing anyway. So it's better to get him an environment where it makes sense. Yes, yes, yes. Right? Because it's going to be singing. Not at the police station. The group of gays is going to start singing. Sure. Okay? Got it. So let's get somewhere where it makes sense in the context. Yes, I understand. There's microphones. There's music. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Otherwise, we're at the Hardee's. At the Danceteria. The Snacketerium. You know what I mean? So I guess we go to Mic Drop. I remember the inside. I remember the interior. Days later, the memories are coming back to me. I'm like a sleeper agent. Okay. I'm Halle Berry in Gothica. Okay. You're in Shutter Island. I'm Shutter Island. I'm Shutter Island. Shutter Island. I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. It's Memento. Absolutely. You're looking at all the tattoos. You're piecing it together. Right. Seven. Six plus seven. Six, seven. So. How does anybody listen to us? How does anybody. How do you. Water country! People have genuinely said to me, I love your pod. I go, you know that's. They go, I listen to your pod every week. I go, you know that's mental illness. You know you have mental illness. So, apparently I sang. Don't know what I sang. Multiple songs. Nobody told you? We're all singing. And we're there with Elliot Glazer, who is an incredible singer. Is he really? So, the only memory I have is him sitting in waterfalls and me being like, oh my God. You know when someone's an amazing singer, it makes karaoke go from ha-ha to like. Yeah. Suddenly it's like, let me show you how you burlesque. You know, it's Christina Aguilera. It's, show a little more. It's like, well, I can do that. Of course. The rest of us are like, sometimes I feel I want to get away. Mind you, I make records. And I'm still not a good karaoke singer. Yeah. But I don't like it when there's real karaoke singers when they're like, you guys, I don't know the song. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, oh God, oh God. I love good singers. Okay, okay, okay, okay. I don't like it when the, I don't like it when the bamboozlers and the ambushers drop in from Boston Conservatory into the karaoke. Oh, they take it too serious. They're like, they bring their own. They bring their own CD. Don't tell me how to lit. Like, it's like, girl. When they blow out the funny girl thing, it's too much. Somebody just sing Jesus takes the wheel. You'll be great. Gonna have the whole world on a plate. Yeah. Or. Yeah. Everything's coming. I'm rolling. I'm rolling. And you're like, what do you think? You're Patti LuPone. Oh, it is Patti LuPone. You know, it's like, oh shit. She just elbowed me in the face. She just pushed me. She body checked me so she could sing her song. Yeah. She told me to sit on a bunch of broken shards. She doesn't. Patti doesn't just bring her own CD. She brings her own karaoke system. In a band. On a dolly. Mariachis. But it's always. She has a soprano. Everybody only has maracas. Yeah. But it's the heart will go on. So anyway, singing. I will say this about mic drop. Wow. It is beautiful inside. Gorgeous. I'm sorry. The nicest karaoke rooms I've ever been to. Nice service. Like. Days later, it started to come back to me. And I was like, everybody was so nice. Oh, private room. The door service was nice. They were nice at the front desk. Private rooms. Where else in West Hollywood can you get a private room? So let me pitch this to you, people. Bathhouse. Even if you don't want to sing. Don't make me sing. You could just go rent the private room. Drink with your friends in the padded room. Padded room. A karaoke. I haven't been in a private karaoke room in so long. I've never been. It was so fun. And it was. I know. Dude, last time was probably Orville's birthday party at Dave's break room. I wasn't invited. But you weren't. He wanted to bring you in. I said, absolutely not. No. I said, I'm not going. She's going. Anyway. Snack-a-terium. It was really fun. I wouldn't do that. But drinking. I feel so bad. I don't aspire to forget things drinking. That was kind of a lot. I woke up like. Then you have to go through the ticker tape. Yes. I was like, what happened? The surveillance footage. I looked down. I see a wristband. I'm like. And then you're chained to a hospital bed. No. I think it's from a nightclub. It's a hospital. And it's someone else's name. I'm like. I'm like. I'm like. I'm like. Not again. Switch to birth. I also have to tell you. I have a few things I have to tell you. I went to this thing called the hospital of emotions. What? Okay. Lately on TikTok. What the hell are you talking about? Okay. So. The hospital of emotions. It happened. So. Lately. I've noticed. I live in. Is this a digital realm? No. This is real. A brick and mortar? Can I tell you? Damn. It's a story. It's a story. It's a story. Fuck. So. Lately. I'm like. I live in America's second largest city. And I. There's so much of LA I haven't seen or done. I've lived here ten years. I go to the same few gay bars that I love. But there's so much. Things not around drinking to do. That I don't do. Because it's daytime and I'm working or whatever. Sure. I had a day off. Because you were almost dead. And I was like. Let's go to the hospital of emotions. I saw it online. It's an old hospital. That's defunct now. It's not. Not being used. Yeah. I was like. I saw it online. It's not defunct now. It's not. Not being used. Yeah. Empty. Not defunct. Funct. Like someone walks in and said fake. It's not defunct. I love it. It's either funct or defunct. It's defunct. So. It's at the hospital. And the people who work there are dressed as doctors. And each floor is an emotion. And each of these hospital rooms. A different artist has done an installation about that emotion. So like. Oh. This is the sadness ward. Okay. And every room is. An artist took a whole hospital room. The ceiling to floor. And transformed it into like. An immersive. Experience. Okay. And there's joy. Sure. Okay. That sounds riveting. It was cool. Sounds a little corny. All these artists are different. So every room was different. It's just like. These people's own interpretation. One of them made me cry. Was it the sadness room? It. One of them was. A hospital bed. And then. Floor. Ceiling. Walls. It was. Like. Paintings. Of. Almost like. Stills from a person's life. Like childhood. It's like. And the piece was about. Like. You know. Like. When somebody's on like. Their death bed. And your family's all around. The people just. Share stories. Of the person's life. Oh sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I. I was like. Cynical me. Yeah. And I don't even like art museums. Because visual arts kind of bore me sometimes. And that's horrible. But I'm the type of person. When I go to shit. I'm like. Sure. You know. You're in front of the movies. I'm like. Right. Yeah. Unless it's something that. Is really. This one really moved me. And so I went. From like. LOL. Me and my boyfriend. Doing the hospital thing. Ha ha. We're doing something funky. Yeah. To like. Let's go. Yeah. But it was. It was actually really nice. It was a little pricey. I think it was $85 per person. Or something like that. That's insane. That's insane. But you know. Art. It is. I think hundreds of artists. Installations. Okay. In one. Well you know. On that point. Nobody forced me to go. Oh no. So I made it. And you weren't. Yeah. You weren't tricked. Yeah. Or robbed. Or anything. To that point. I think it's interesting to. I think your reaction. To visual art. Is common. And I think it's helpful. When you. Because. That is off. That is like. The most common thing. To hear. And if you go to. A good museum. Like. Art Institute of Chicago. Or. I mean. I don't know. Any good museum. Where there's a lot of stuff. I do go. But I. I have felt. The same thing. That you're feeling. And often do. That. That somehow. There's like. An uninterpretable. there's like art is uninterpretable like taken out of a context and it does make more sometimes it makes more sense in a context but if you just like you can look at a painting and be like and just look at it and be like you'll get it the whole experience you'll get it you will get it if you look at it you will get it and reading always helps always great to read the the thing if they have more if they have more information about what who painted and when in what country they're from it's great but like a lot of times people are like they'll see like the mark rothko paintings or they'll see they won't see them in person they'll see the the photographs of them in a whatever a magazine or something or a book like this is like or on a tweet and i'll be like this is un-fucking-ridiculous this is ridiculous but you if you see them in person it's really something different okay it is different in school for my one of my art electives i had to take a uh art survey class which is like a class about art if you're not a visual artist art history which was really interesting yeah it was history but also as part of the class you had to go see something and i went to see the thomas i think his name is thomas kincaid he did this series called freak parade which was this series of thomas kincaid is that not painter of light is that wrong no no that's wrong i was like i was like that's where is this going it's so fierce i'm sorry the way that he painted can you look up thomas woodruff freak parade is that right it's not thomas kincaid that's the guy who does the little cottages painting up light with the three sons i know i'm sorry no it's a it's a fierce like this thomas woodruff yes okay okay so i saw this in college this was a long time ago okay but seeing it online buying the ticket this was my first time as a big boy adult 19 whatever going to an art show on my own for a class i guess because i had to go but seeing the scale of the pieces in person changed everything it made the experience i remember it like yesterday yeah i remember which ones are my favorite yeah and then i jennifer took me to the brode and i saw the um don't remember their name the giant dining room table the giant dining room table okay and that was so physical and like imposing because it's so big you're like standing on a giant table i guess maybe i have a difficulty understanding i police myself on what i think i meant to feel yeah and then i get in my head about what i'm supposed to be experiencing and i try to instead be like the artist is also not in charge of what i feel when i see this yeah it's actually an independent experience that plaque exists but it's not like i have to have an experience and then fact check what i felt to make like yeah i'm allowed to just be like that's a big table and keep walking totally even if that's a shallow experience that's the experience i have that's but that's that's i think that the shallow experience is the experience and it's like that you know everyone but i always feel like someone around the corner is crying being like this piece means so much and i'm like that table's big you know yeah that's my experience no it's great because i when i went to um it also depends on what's going on and where you are sort of in your life and what where your interests are when i was at the art institute of chicago last time i was tweaking out at the furniture section tweaking at american um like turn of the century like 18th 19th century furniture so i was rubbing the skin raw you loved it loved it because why i was just i wanted to buy a house and i was wanted to i was like she comments exactly she she noticed she sees what she doesn't have and i was like all this incredible lack of furniture was like oh my god it was like nutting everywhere but then you know it's a shallow experience and then it can it can have depth but it's like what you jump in the shot when when you jump into a pond of course it's a shallow experience and then it's like oh my god it's like oh my god it's like oh my god it's like oh my god it's like oh my god it's like oh my god it's like oh my god it's like oh my god it's like right you're giving yourself permission to like just look at it just look at it and just look at it and i guess that's the part that i don't know i'm 36 i'm just now having better experiences at art museums because i i understand that the experience is kind of independent yeah and as an adult going with a group and saying this is what i like what do you like about it or what like we were under this giant table and jennifer was like this is so cool you're gonna love it and it was the other thing that everyone goes to see at the broad the the mirror that goes on forever like lights and mirrors that go on forever anyway we wait in line to see that the giant table to me made me think of when i was younger and i was like maybe that's just so surface and obvious it just makes me being a kid that's maybe that's okay it's totally oh see it's it's the it's the judgment of the thought that is right it gets in the way of me actually having the present experience because when the you the knee-jerk reaction is so important because it's the first reaction it's before i get my way yes like that's that's what i felt like ew or like whoa or like ah or like or like anything like that's really important and to say that it's like that's important it's also really it's really elitist and it's really i think um uh misguided to to discount that nobody made me feel this way i did it to myself sure but but that's so but it's very common and so i remember back in in in school when this guy who was like one of those cool guys one of those cool art guys and his whole work was basically surveillance footage and i was like okay it's the opposite it's the opposite it's the opposite it's like my knee-jerk reaction i'm i think that i'm i'm i'm prejudging my knee-jerk reaction to this which is this is oh this is boring it's meaningless and then i'm like well what but i but i but how could it possibly he's so cool and then i was like i was like no no looking back i'm like that was trash trash that was trash it was pretentious it wasn't it wasn't aesthetic it was like anti-ist it was just like just trash trash conceptual trash there's no there's trash it doesn't even it's not even worth but even having that emotion yeah you got an experience out of it yeah i'm not saying his his plan was to have that experience no no his plan was to be like i'm going to present something that's so sort of like uh sort of wrapped in this like shitty veneer being so technical and elusive and in in aloof and in um uh meticulously constructed was like yeah but it sucks right you know whereas that giant goya painting is like whoa and that's like just that is good enough and then there's a lot more to it of course there's like whatever but and also the paintings and i just i mean it depends like in college we used to because i was a musical theater student we used to have to watch all the dance concerts that the students would put on oh god yeah and obviously on the surface level the the physical ability of young dancers is already marvelous sure but beyond that i often felt p-brained in a way where i was like i don't know what this piece was about right i couldn't tell you what any of this is about it reminds me of when i went to the young composers recitals in college that were like a lot of modern composers atonal arrhythmic yeah and it made me feel like um am i just like not able to enjoy this is it weird am i what is it about this that makes me feel so yeah like like tone deaf to it well i think though a lot of those that stuff like the you know the the the pivotal uh iconoclastic or like uh groundbreaking pivots in in the in the history of art especially contemporary art is like well yeah they're they're they're they that's a con it's in a context that is helpful to be understood if you're studying it i mean if you find yourself in the in a contemporary dance uh performance where they're the the composer is like you know what we were going to do vivaldi but i think we're just going to go with the dentist drill right you know like and we're going to do it for for an hour right and so it's like antagonistic and it's like but that's a that's a conscious choice because it's like revolting it's like there's a revolt there and it's obviously intended to make the audience feel discomfort and that's uh going to be met with discomfort so it's like they're not really going towards like romantic beauty and and awe and lush like oh the human body and like oh these patterns and these shapes and this rhythm and this flow and this like repetition and variation blah blah blah they're just like and also like we're like to to put a bow on it the experience you have which is that was weird i didn't get it is also completely valid valid all this is valid as saying i totally got it right all that non-binary tea is valid last night i texted you at like 1 30 a.m my my non-binary tea is so valid and you didn't say anything back i i was pride month really is over i was like letting it sit because i had a knee-jerk reaction i feel like i just need no no no i i this is i i really love this because only now you know what i thought about when you said that i was like i only think that now after living for 40 something years 30 14 i am qualified or that i could get something out of art school now i feel the same way only now undergraduate i'm not talking graduate i'm talking undergraduate like literally undergraduate i've been like i wonder if i would have the same experience in like the level one music theory classes that i hated taking i bet i would go in there and love it oh my god i bet i would go home thinking about it visual language try hard bitch oh that i would be the only um i would stay after i'd be like i love that's this lesson today was amazing i'd be the only unconventional student eating in the video bay till 9 p.m irritating irritating are you still in there yes i i just yeah irritating i i'll be irritating and i think back of being like young and just being like i'm paying all this money to be here in class and i'm pissed pissed at an 8 a.m class for art For the thing I love. For the thing I love. Yeah, the thing I left that shit-ass university for. Crazy. Can I tell you what else happened to me, speaking of art? So, wait, how did the drinking happen to you? What do you mean? You said at the top that, I want to tell you about this time when the drink. Somebody made the drinks. I was at a bar. I didn't go back there and make it myself. A server brought it to me. Someone bought it for me. Any other questions? Now we're going to pivot to my substance abuse. This is so fucked. I hate it here. This room is bogus. I think that, well, I do have a fucking problem, bitch. And it's sitting over here. Yeah, it's your fat ass. So, I went to Philly because, keys. I went to Philly to do a gig with the Philly Orchestra. The Philadelphia Orchestra. Gay, gay, gay. The gay, gay, gay? Gay, gay. Was I gay? Wait, was it gay? It was a pride. It was like a pride thing. Rainbow, right? You wore this beautiful rainbow dress. Yes. Thank you. You know I don't love rainbow. I don't either. You looked beautiful. Thank you. It's technically a TV dress, like the lines on the TV. That's right. Which is a fun way to wear a rainbow. That was, oh, that's right. It was like, yes, yes. Because I have a hard time with rainbow. Many do and should. But I think the color is broken. It's broken up in a different way. It works. It's great. Very clever. Thank you. And I didn't say, I don't get it. No. So the orchestra is so huge and fantastic. I mean, they have albums upon albums. Some of the people in the orchestra have been in it for 50 years. What did they think of your gay ass when you strolled up on that thing? Like Lydia Tarr. Well, I asked a lot of questions about it because it's like a fine arts thing. And when you're a dragoon and you're doing fine arts for a change, you were like. Wait, so I can't make a mistake? No, you're kind of like, okay, well, I better wear nice hair. And wear a nice dress and not say the F word. Like, let me try to ask you decorum. All right, you faggots. Because, you know, I'm a musician. I'm excited to be invited. And they told me I could do, like, I have to do like a 10-minute block of like whatever performance I want. They said, we request like one of your maybe comedy numbers you do with your guitar. I said, sure. So I did Rich People. Yeah. Which is funny, but of course has a few coarse moments. I talk about like, I joke about rich people wearing fur and underage prostitutes and stuff. It's more like making fun of. Yes. The morals of the rich. Yes, of course. Of which you are a part. I guess, but I'm not. Underage models. We're in furs. Yeah, you're not fucking underage people with fur coat on. Right. One of the jokes is like, rich people, don't you hate it when the valet smokes in your car and you have to throw the whole thing away? It's great. Dumb. It's great. Dumb. It's great. But I do that little number and that's fun. And then I decided to sing this other number I have working on called Till Death Do Us Part. And I was like, sometimes you got to try a number in front of people. You just got to get the baby out of your uterus once to then go home and actually like. Strangle it. Strangle it with the umbilical cord. Yeah, strangle it with the umbilical cord. So I do that and it all works and it's fun. But before the show, I'm thinking of my high school band teacher taught me to read music. And I go, I'm going to text her because, you know, crazy. The Philly Orchestra, like world famous. Wild. I'm like, I can't believe I get to even be on the stage with these people. You know, a whole orchestra that's like a hundred people on stage. And I text her and I'm like, I just got to tell you, like, I just did this remix for Duran Duran. And I'm getting to do this gig this week with the Philly Orchestra. Sometimes as a musician, I just. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for you. Like, teach me how to read music and teach me how to like respect it and all that. I just, I owe you so much. And she responded like, you're welcome. And then I said, like, I was like, I just. I love, you know, you taught me so much and you're just so giving. And I don't. Oh, yeah. I was like, I couldn't. I could never do like all this without you. You just gave me so much. I said, I forget what I said. And she said, yeah, I'm going to go work in my garden. Which is completely fine. Like, I'm not trying. I'm making her do this Magnum, Mr. Holland's Opus thing with me. You're good at hunting her. Yeah, girl. Go do your gig. Which is also, that tea is very valid. She's like, who is this number? What is this number? Oh, but also, I don't expect an older person to text like. She's an older person. It's going to be like short phrases. Happy Friday. Like, yes. Happy Friday. So it was just so funny. I hope this message finds you. Yeah, it was. It was funny. But that is great. But she did. Acknowledge me and say thank you. That's nice to say thank you. But I'm, I guess what I'm. She said happy birthday to Sarah. I'm inflating this to be like, I wanted like tearful texting back. No, you wanted a video. You were like, where she Viola Davis snot cried for like 10 minutes. Right. I mean, she did what it was. It's not like she was like, were you absent a lot? Who are you? But, you know. And then at the gig, they ended with Born This Way. And I had my guitar there. And they were like, we want to do a group number at the end. And I'm standing there in full drag with my little guitar. And they go, do you know Born This Way? I said. Am I a Nicki fan? Like. No matter Black, White, or Beige. Chola or Orient Maid. Not to mention. Oh, there ain't no other way. Love Born This Way. But Born This Way is absolutely. Over and over again. It's three chords. Is it really? It's Born This Way, Born This Way. Right track, baby. Born This Way. So it was just funny to be in full drag. Uh, let's wind that back to see. What are you saying? That's why. That's it. But I need more further convincing. Yeah, that didn't sound. That didn't sound like. That didn't sound like Born This Way. Ooh, there ain't no other way. Oh, I told me when I. Oh, but what about the chorus? Love Born This Way. What about the chorus? The Lebanese, you're Orient. Yeah. You're Lebanese. What if, what if, what if, you know, be fierce if your band teacher had been like, you're Lebanese. You're, what is text back? You're Orient. You're Lebanese. You're Orient. You're Black, White. Chola, Beige. You said the first thing. Oh, my God. And then she's like, you're Lebanese. Y-O-U-R. Doesn't she say Black, White, or Beige? No matter. Black, White, or Beige. Chola or Orient made. That's so like. I think about it two to three times a day. No, I'm not joking. I think about it two to three times. I love that fucking song. Every single day. I want to know what kind of chamomile tea and honey, honey dipped drops people would put it in the, in the, in the lovely little lush booth. And then they were like, so. Um, it's no matter a Black, White, or Beige, Chola or Orient made. And I'm like, I was born to be brave. Um, no matter gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgender life. I'm on the right track, baby. I was born to survive. I do like that lyric. Okay. Okay. Survive? Survive. Oh. I, okay. I understand these, that section. This section is clunky, but I love Born This Way. No, no, no. Fucking love it. Yeah, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, yes. And I'm not making fun of it being three chords because brilliant. Love the song. No, I don't think that, that, I, I don't think. But it's just funny that I'm in full drag with a guitar. And she goes, do you know the song Born This Way by Lady Gaga? I go. Do I have breasts and a pussy? I, I, no, I was, I was Aaron Brock. I was like, what key would you like it in? You're like, you want Black? You want White? You want Beige? But I'm such an F.E.G. I go, isn't it in G major? Yeah. And then they bring me the conductor score. So then the conductor score is like every part in the orchestra. Fierce. Like a big. Were you doing this? Were you doing this? And the cover of it says like Born This Way written by Stephanie Germanotta. It's like a orchestral version. And so I'm standing there in my Dragoon, my fine arts Dragoon with my orchestral score with the piano going, oh yeah, I got that. Reading through it. I'm like, oh my God. I'm sight reading it like it's a serious orchestral piece and it's literally just playing. Born This Way. I give the paperback. I'm like, I'll see you at the end of the show for Born This Way. Yeah. I think I could. It could work. But I had a really fun time and I asked them, I said, is this a ticketed event? And they said it was free. And I was like, think of all these F.E.G.s who are here who probably never go to see fine arts, things like this, who are here just because of this. I thought it was sweet. I had a really good time. I think it's wonderful. It's a triumph. It's a triumph. It's a triumph. It was fun. It was really fun. It's a triumphant for, you know, whether you just feel funny to walk out there and sing your dumb song about rich people when these serious world famous orchestra musicians are sitting right there with their little violins watching you do your actual dog and pony clown show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it when I like looking at, I watched this Dune, the Hans Zimmer Dune soundtrack thing by an orchestra, a video on YouTube, and it was so cunt. And I like it when the certain sections are just sitting there because they're like, just waiting for their, you know, if they have a big break. Oh, they do? They just chill. They just chill. They are like, they're not like, they're not like. No, they sit. They sit there like. You know what's crazy too? But there was a cello player, Mary. She had a, she had a head of hair, like a Pantene Pro-V model. And the way that she was catching the lens of that camera every time it swung around, it was a man. And he was like, just, he was like, I mean, it was like, he was like, he was like, he was like, oh my God, very witches of Eastwick. Oh. Witches. Yes, yes. It started on fire. And he was like, and all of a sudden, frizzy hair. Crazy. Daryl Van Horn was just pumping him. I love that part where after she gets all whored out, and she goes into school and she played the shitty song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she goes, we're going to do this one more time. And we're, what did she say? We're going to play the shit. On the count of four, we're going to play the shit out of this thing. And she gets them to. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. And she's so hot. Tickle you now. With that big. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And no bra. I also love when she's in the supermarket saying double, double chocolate these are fabulous. Double jugga, these are fabulous. And then she's eating pickles. What did you say? You heard her. Girl, it's so fierce. All because she, what, has sunglasses on? Well, she's eating pickles out of a jar. And she's not wearing a bra. She's not wearing a bra. Now, where do you stand on eating out of the food that you haven't bought yet at the grocery store? Because I think one or two grapes never killed anybody. But I think if you're going to open up the raw meat or something, like, you know, you better have those rolls. But imagine handing a bitten out of apple to the cashier and saying, skin it. No. No, no. So the thing is, so it's A, it's presumption. What if it's plastic? What if it's actually sealed? Can you open it and start eating it? No. We can't eat it in the grocery store. Because I think people are. What about goldfish crackers? No, you can't. Okay. No. Nobody's, so we can't eat it in the grocery store. Because they're ignoring the very essential important rule. It's that you don't go to the grocery store starving to death. Ellie's not even hygienic because people make bad choices. People have their 270 pound Mastiffs in the produce section in LA. Do you understand? There's dog hair right on your celery. What about this? You go, is it Erewhon? Erewhon. I think they have aisles that are about 18 inches long. Fierce. And then they go, so I'm, my name is Jeanette. I live in Westwood and I walk, I've got my double wide stroller with my two obnoxious children and also my great Dane family of dogs. Right. And I'm, and I'm on my phone. Of course. And my au pair is outside idling the car. Thank you. Yeah. And so I'm, and I'm, and I'm just. It's fierce. Girl. What's that? What's that about? Have you been to a place? I gotta get my, I gotta get my $38 jar of olives one ounce. Yeah. Have you been to a place called Trader Fucking Joe's? They have no food. Raw? WWE Raw? You will get punched in the face. Maybe they got no food there. They have no food. They have no food. Girl. Trader Joe has no food. He's traded all his food. Do you know what it is, girl? He's got no food up in there. The fierce thing is it's like I wonder what types of saltines they have. One kind. But there are no options. Maybe. One pack of gum. One pack of gum. One brand of milk. One size. But they try to, they really try to throw you for a loop with that Trader Jato. We don't have cherry tomatoes. We have cherries sitting next to the tomatoes. Trader Julio. These are all traders with the G or the J gal. Who's Trader Julio? Well, if it's Italian, if it's Spanish, they say Trader Jato. They do? The Trader Jato Span. Pasta? Oh yeah, baby. And if it's like Trader Dracula's. But the people, unlike TikTok and stuff, the way people talk about like if you don't get out to Trader Joe's and get the buffalo pizza dip, I'm gonna kill myself. They treat the proprietary value of these Trader Joe's. It's Big Joe. It's Big Joe. Schmears are coveted. Schmears? If you go in the Franklin Mint. What the fuck is it? Lockup? It's Trader Joe's Schmears. It's a joke. And it's like, this is the black olive and hot pickle honey ice cream. It's sort of like the shit at Ross. The Impulse Isle shit at Ross. Oh. The popcorn flavored gum. The freaky shit, bitch. Oh, the peanut butter remote controllers. It's like you can lick it and change the channel. Oh my god, my hair tie tastes like cotton candy. Weird shit. Weird shit. My jelly flavored sandals. But, Trader, can I tell you about Trader Joe's? You will get body checked trying to get your ogre out in potatoes. Do you understand? The aggressiveness, the behavior. The behavior. There needs to be couples therapy for Trader Joe's. Trader Joto's therapy. What I do like about Trader Joe's is you can get. It's kind of like Gelson's where it's small. You can get around the store quickly. You go to these big stores. Woodman's? It's nice and small. Woodman's is the back rooms. There's nice and small with no food in there. What about Costco, though? Well, that's a whole other animal. That's not even on the same level. Trader Joe's has approximately 1,700 bottles of wine and no food. I'm sorry. Is this a liquor store? I swear to God, it's true. I'm only talking about the one in WeHo on 8000 Sunset. It's true. It's true. It's true. Now you know the truth. Pump it up. Oh my god. You walk in there. You're like, how many? How many boxes of wine did you need today, ma'am? Or how many giant jugs of Chardonnay? Well, I was just looking for pickles. No, we don't have it. And you know what else they got at Trader Joe's, too? It's like, I'm looking for. I'm looking for a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup brand. Like, the brand of. I'm looking for this brand. What we do have is six-pound bags of Trader Joe's brand circus peanuts or black licorice. They got weird shit. I know. What about. And then I. I hate circus peanuts. I hate them. What are they? Oh, they're like orange, chewy. What's the flavor of a circus peanut? Is it trying to be, like, nutty or something? Is it a real peanut? Or is it a candy? It's marshmallow. It is not a marshmallow. Oh, those are just. That is such a lie. They're horrible. It's like non-pareils. Just don't make them. What's a non-pareil? It's a shit-ass faux candy. They're banana flavored. That's a fucking lie. No, they are. They call it a circus peanut because there are clowns over there. But then, and then once you. If you do manage to find any non-licor items at Trader Joe's and you want to go to the checkout, what is the protocol? Girl, there's no counter. There's no bags. What is the. No, no. What is the protocol? Do I wait back there? Do I go up to a thing? They're all flat. The way I've been clowned and humiliated every single time, every single, time I try to make some kind of, like, I try to get in some kind of line or I kind of try to wait my turn. I'm, like, very, very conscious. I don't have my headphones on. I'm, like, what's going on? What's happening? People are flagging you or not flagging you. All of a sudden, people was like, oh, hello! Hello! You're just trying to get your dark, extra dark pretzels and leave. And I wanted the milk chocolate. Right. But, like, how many goblets of burgundy did you need, Carlo Rossi? Oh, have you ever gone to the grocery store? Have you ever ordered carry-out for holiday food from grocery stores? No. Okay. I have recently been exposed to this, where instead of your family cooking, somebody just goes and picks up ten chickens. Not chickens, but, like, turkeys. It's, like, a la carte. We're gonna have a family-sized serving of mashed potatoes, this, this, this, this. Even if you order ahead of time. Even if you pick it up. It's the ultimate betrayal. No. It's, like, a line around the store. Oh, God. People are breathless. Oh, God. Last time I picked up, though. Was it at Gelson's? We forgot something. Was it at Gelson's? No. It was out of state. Okay. We forgot some fresh, fresh time, fresh, fresh time market, fresh time market or whatever. Trans person recognize me? Gave you a free box of wine. Didn't just give me the hookup, but something from my order was missing. Ran out to the parking lot, found me, and made sure I had it. Pete Hegseth wants Pete Hegseth wants to give hormone replacement therapy. No. Pete Hegseth wants to give testosterone therapy to people in the Army, but they don't want to make sure that trans people in this country have access to hormone therapy. They don't want to make sure a protruder just stalks their house with food. They don't. Pete Hegseth is behind that, too. RFK. Hey, everything's me. RFK needs to go out on Trader Joe's and do something. Yeah. He needs to. He and Cheryl. What if the red M&M's were white? What if it's not a box of wine? We had food. What if we, what if we should I gotta go. No, it's horrible. We gotta go. We gotta go talk about All Stars on the Peasler. Oh, yeah, we do. But before we do that, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. If you don't say thank you, when will they know how to clap? That's what I had a dream about. I had a dream about RuPaul saying, everyone say love. Oh, chilling. The Terrifier. It was a dark room and she was standing there going, everybody say love. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.