We broke up — Part one

Hi guys, and welcome back to Too Much. I'm going to go directly down the rabbit hole today, because today is a very different episode. Today's date is September 23rd, 2025. And this is going to be maybe my only or maybe the first time capsule episode. To give you some context before I get into what I want to talk about, something is going on in my relationship. It's not something that I would really talk about in a weekly episode or want to kind of have lingering in the background, but I think that we have established a real sense of authenticity and connection here between me and you, the audience, you, whoever's listening, me and the camera. And I feel like I'm like lying to you guys if I don't talk about what I'm actually going through right now. And what I'm going through is going to have one of two outcomes. And instead of announcing the outcome to you guys in I don't know how long and then saying, surprise, here's what I was going through, you know, X number of months ago, six months ago, and kind of having to backtrack and give you guys hindsight insight to what I was going through and how I got to whatever that outcome is, I decided in the moment in real time to come into the studio and just vent and talk to you guys and tell you what's going on. And then I'm not going to post this episode until the outcome happens. I know that was very cryptic. I'll talk about it and tell you everything, but I just wanted to preface like what this is. So you were hearing me speak at this moment on September 23rd, 2025. I don't know when this episode is going to be airing. It could be 2026. It could be in two months. I have no idea. And that is the point of today's episode. The uncertainty is why I want to sit down and then because also as this was going on for me over the weekend, today's Tuesday, I actually was sitting in my apartment being like, who can I call and vent to about this. And ultimately I was like, you guys, I want to just talk to the camera. I want to talk to you guys and tell you what's going on. Maybe that's because I didn't want any opinions and didn't want anyone's input. But that's neither here nor there. So anyways, here we are. This is a time capsule episode. The second half of this episode will be in the future or actually whenever you guys are listening to this, that'll be present. This is the past. I don't know if anyone's ever done this before, probably, but whatever. So let's go down this motherfucking rabbit hole. And also to preface, this is really off the cuff. I don't really have something planned to talk about. I'm like I said, just venting. Also, I'm doing this because how often do we rant about something, say we're going to do one thing and then do the complete opposite backtrack on what you said. So instead of doing that, what the goal of this right now is to acknowledge the feelings that I'm having, sit in them, articulate them and simultaneously try to work through them because that's what I'm going to do when I walk out this door. You have no idea what I'm talking about. Let's go down the rabbit hole. Basically, you know I have been really excited about potentially getting engaged. And I have been under the impression that it was going to be very soon. Mr. right now, I just celebrated our two year anniversary like two weeks ago. And over the summer, there were a lot of little like, I don't even want to say hints because they were very blunt in my face conversations about us getting engaged to give you some context and background. I had tried on a ring last October, October 2024. My friend was trying to engage her rings like she actually was being proposed to. I tried on a ring and I was like, oh my god, I'm in love with it. And it was so unique, so different. It was like an antique. It was a green stone as well. So it was super, super different, but it felt fitting to me. So I was in love with it. And I was like, that's my engaging ring. Like, that's what I want him to propose. So I told him a couple times over the year back in June. I went and popped into the store just to see if the ring was still there. And I was like, if it's there, maybe it's fate. Maybe I really should go with that ring. I showed the woman in the store the photo of the ring and I was like, is this here? She was like, that's actually at an antique show right now. And I was like, my girl's at a show. She's a show girl. So naturally that made me way more excited about the ring. She said, if it doesn't sell, do you want me to bring it back? And I was like, yeah, absolutely. And so I actually went in again, not following Monday. And I told Mr. Right about it. And I was like, do you want to come with me? And he said, no, you've kind of already stolen this from me. This whole, you know, search and picking up the ring process. I'd rather you do this by yourself. So I was like, all right, fine. So I went in. I still loved it. I tried it on. I was like, glocking out it. I sized it. The side of me bring it down a millimeter. And that was it. And it was supposed to just be in his hands after that. I was like, let go and let go fast forward to July. We got to dinner and he brought up the ring. And he was like, are you sure you want that ring? And I was like, yeah, I want that ring. And he was like, okay, he was like, you know, I have a diamond guy. I can get you a diamond. And I was like, no, I just like fell in love with this ring. Blah blah blah. Ten minutes later, he was paying for dinner and the business card fell out of his wallet. So now my imagination, fucking did the Usain Bolt and went running. I'm like, oh my god, he's proposing tomorrow. Like he's got the ring. He's getting the ring. So I was just like, okay, I'm now a pre-fiancé. No longer a girlfriend. I have graduated. So that was my mentality. And I know I've talked about it on here a few times, like, gotten a little drunk and been like, when are you gonna propose? Like, not cute, but whatever. But because like I thought it was soon and he also said it was soon and whatever. So that's pretty much like where I had left it in my mind. I was not expecting it any specific day. I wasn't expecting it to be soon. You know, when we celebrated our two-year a couple weeks ago, I was kind of like, it could be tonight. I didn't really think it was, but I was like, there's like a 15% chance it could be tonight. Just because we've been together for two years. In my mind, I kind of thought he already got the ring, all that. I didn't like go do my nails or anything. I was like, they're decent. It's fine. And it where why it was nothing like that, but it was in the back of my mind. So right before we left for dinner on our anniversary night, he was like, do you want to exchange cards now? And I was like, sure, why not? So we did. And it was very cute. Our cards ended up being the exact same card. We randomly got into the same card. Said, you are my person. And his card made me cry. It was so sweet and amazing. If he was a cryer, mine probably would have made him cry, but whatever we hug, we kiss. And he's like, there's something else I want to talk to you about too. And I was like, oh my god, is that how he's doing it? But I was like, what? And he asked me again if I wanted that ring. And I was like, well, I already said yes. Wow. So this now feels like it's a you thing. Like you don't want to do the ring and blah, blah, blah. He basically told me like, I'm a really traditional person. I don't love the ring. You never even went to go look at rings yourself. Like you found this when you went to go look with your friend. I would rather get you a diamond. If you could go look at some, like, that would make me feel better, like just humor me. And I was like, twist my arm. I have to go look at diamonds. But I was like, okay, like you're the only man in America that would ever ask a woman to go find a more expensive ring. But fine, I will do that. I will, I will humor you. Also for context, when I tried on the green ring, like diamonds just didn't feel right on my finger. But I think that was because I was trying on just like a stone at the band. And it was simple. And as you guys know, I'm not a simple girl. I'm unique. So I was like, okay, fine, I'll do that. I then find out that this diamond store in the West Village that I had found this ring out that had his contact and had been in touch with him decided it would be a really good idea to call him up and pressure him to come in and get the ring. This woman at the store pulled a sleazy sales person move on him and said, someone has interest in this ring. But I wanted to call you first so you can come get it. And Mr. Right, because he has a big heart. And he loves me. And he's excited and he's nervous and whatever. And he panicked. And he went and bought the ring. So he he tells me he doesn't like the ring. And then he tells me this five minutes later. And I'm like, wait, what? And apparently she kind of gave an inkling that like he could return it or something. But he had buyers remorse after buying this ring. And she backed him into a corner. It was like really uncomfortable for him. And then he was telling me this. And I was like, what the fuck? Like, why did you buy the ring? But like, okay, as long as you can return it, I'll look for a new one, whatever. So we go out to dinner. Dinner was great. You know, we're excited about the prospect of getting married. We talked about some little details of like what our wedding would be like and everything. So the next morning I wake up and I'm like, all excited to go ring shopping now because I'm in my head. I'm like, well, you bought a ring. So you're ready to buy a new ring. I'm going to make a bunch of appointments. So I did. And I went ring shopping that day with one of my best friends. And I found another ring. And I got really excited about it. And whatever next morning, we both what parted ways to go work out. And I got home before he did. And basically he came into the apartment, kind of rushed over to me and just like grabbed me and hugged me. And he was really upset. And I like, I thought someone died. I was like, what's going on? And he told me, I'm not ready. So initial reaction got instant. I was like, hey, this is, this is okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Like everything's okay. And I was just like hugging him. And I was like, I'm not going anywhere. You're not pushing me away by telling me this. So I know I just got into the details again. I'm going to pull back and not really give the rest of the details. But essentially we had a long conversation. And he said that something felt off when he bought the green ring. And he was like, I know that this is not how I should be feeling when I propose to someone. And in my head, I'm like, well, is this because you hated the ring? And she pressured you in the timing? Or is this because of me? All you need to know is essentially that he reassured me that it was because of the ring and because of how he wasn't ready. I mean, he was not going to buy a ring that day. Like, he wasn't going to buy a ring that week. This woman called him up out of nowhere and said, like, you got to come and now and get this or you're not going to get it. So he got it. And like, that is an icky feeling. But the neural pathway has formed for me. I heard him say, like, I had a pet in my stomach. It scared the shit out of me. And in the moment, I was like, are we breaking up? Like, are you do not want to be with me? Do not want to, you know, I don't need to know when you want to marry me. But like, do you still want to marry me? And he said, yes, he said he still sees a family with me. He's like, I think I'm just overthinking this. And I get that I can empathize with that. It's such an intuition thing. It's such an intuitive thing. It's it's like, everyone thinks they're going to have that moment and buy the ring. And it's all going to be this thing. And if something knocks that off its kilter, I can understand it fucking up your perception of the whole thing. It's like, why did I just have that gut feeling? Because we talk about that all the time, like your gut is actually telling you something that's your nervous system being dysregulated. And I get why he was saying that. And I believe him that he wants to still be with me and wants to still marry me. But the neural pathway was formed in my brain. And I immediately had feelings of low self worth. And I immediately in my brain had these feelings of like, sorry, you unsure of me? And why? And what more could I do to prove myself? That was the first place my brain went. And that was like heartbreaking also because because that's not how I should be feeling in this process either. The next place my brain went, I clocked it in real time. I felt it. It was about to self sabotage. I literally heard myself in my brain say, well, maybe this is just the choice being made for us. And like, maybe we should just go. And that fucking sucked. I was going through this just like emotional, internal, like battle back and forth in real time while also trying to soothe my partner because he was so upset where I was like, nothing has changed from five minutes ago to now. He is just not ready. Like, you, we knew he wasn't going to propose today. And like, there was kind of just like a hot second where we did. And I didn't really think he was going to. So why am I now doubting myself? And I felt my abandonment was just reopened in that moment, like in real time. I was like, he's going to leave me. I should leave. And I knew that this was either going to end in marriage or a breakup. And like, it was like, this is such a pivotal moment in our relationship right now. There is nothing that grinds my gears more than taking the time to go to a nail salon, getting a manicure, and it chipping the next day. Which is why fun fact about me. I have not gone to a nail salon in over two years. 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What do the holidays and my anxiety going to groove have in common? Family time. Which means it's also officially I need a therapist before I go back home season. And the last thing you need is the dreaded out-of-network reply that hits harder than grandma asking when you're going to get married for the millionth time. And to Rula, they make finding a therapist so much easier. Rula matches you with licensed in-network therapist based on what you actually need. They take most major insurance and the average copay is around $15 a session, which left fereal is worth every penny to have a third party venture about your family's unresolved generational trauma. You answer a few quick questions, they show you therapists who fit your vibe, and you can even book a session as soon as the next day. Every provider is vetted, and Rula checks in to make sure you're not just talking, you're actually growing. So if find a therapist has been sitting on your resolution list since 2022, consider this your holiday miracle. Thousands have already trusted Rula to help them feel better and live better. Head on over to Rula.com/toomuch to get started today. After you sign up, they ask where you heard about them, so please support your girl and tell them my show sent you. Go to RULA.com/toomuch and take the first step towards better mental health today, because you deserve quality care from someone who cares. This was Saturday, so like three days ago, I experienced this where I was like, fuck, are we going to come back from this? Is this going to affect us? Because I've fucking seen this movie before. I have seen this happen where, and I've experienced it happen, where something small happens, and it fucks up your perception of that person and of the relationship in yourself and maybe other things come to life. It's, you know, when I dated Shakespeare, I told him I loved him, he did not say it back, and for the next two months that we dated after that, I just started picking apart everything that he was, and I was like, oh, fuck, I actually don't love you. I'm out. So I've seen this movie before, and I am trying to, like I said, sit in my feelings and acknowledge them, but also practice what the fuck I preach. I'm really, really, really trying to not let my thoughts feed my feelings right now, because you guys know, just as well as I do, how fucking amazing Mr. Reyes and how much I love him, and I'm like, why am I questioning if this is going to work right now? And I think it's just because my brain is actively right now trying to protect itself from harm, and is telling me that instead of going down this path of uncertainty, and instead of maybe this ending in a breakup instead of now, we should just go. But obviously I can't do that, and I don't want to do that, and that's not, like all he said was that he just needs more time to propose to me. And that is okay. But like I said, my brain went there. My brain went to what's wrong with me. Are we breaking up? Is this over? And then it also went to the place of, is this the universe giving me an out? I'd be lying if I didn't admit to that. Is the choice being made for me? Because deciding if you're going to marry someone is an extremely big decision. I was trying to look for a better word there, but like it's fucking huge. Choosing who you are going to marry is the biggest decision you were ever going to make in your entire life. Not only because you're choosing your partner, but you are choosing who you are going to bring children into the world with, and who you are going to bury your parents with. This person is supposed to be by your side for the rest of your life, and it's not a small decision. So, of course, there's been moments where I'm like, am I making the right decision? I'd be lying if I said that that hasn't crossed my mind. I always reassure myself, and I say, yes, like I have no cons on my con list. Like there is nothing. But my brain went there. All right, I know. We are either, I mean, there's only two options. We're either going to work through this, and I will have an engagement episode in three to six months, or I will have a breakup episode. And I wanted to save this chunk of that episode, this intro until then. And I know that may be morbid, but I think I just like can see very clearly, and I know myself, and I know how these things can go. I want to be very clear that like, I am actively and very much trying to like make sure this does not ruin us. But things have been a little off the past couple days. Like I feel like I can't hold eye contact with him, and I don't know why. I do hope that there will be an engagement story following this. I don't know if this is going to be like my engagement announcement episode, because it seems pretty fucking sad. But I think my goal for the next part of this episode is going to be where I went from here, whether that is fighting to keep my relationship and making sure, you know, we keep the sanctity of it intact, and that we keep it going as strong and as solid as it has been, how I did that, or if it is how it went downhill, and the whole breakup story. So if it's a breakup, so probably be the break of an announcement. But I really hope it's not. I don't think it will be. I think we're meant for each other. I do. I just this fucking through me, it really through me, and I needed to talk about it, and I wanted to document this. And this is like my digital diary, essentially, because I also didn't want to call my friends and tell them, because it's like it's one of those things where if you stay with them, you end up tainting any good that happens. That's not always true. I mean, I think people have the ability to compartmentalize and understand that shit happens in relationships. But when it revolves around your engagement, like I didn't want that. I didn't want to call people up and be like, I don't know, he's not ready to be with me. So I don't know guys, it's a really hard fucking build a swallow that someone may not be ready to propose. Because what do we do on here? We preach if they want someone else, well, if he wanted to, he would, if he's unsure of you, fuck him. But when you love someone, I mean, like as much as I love Mr. Ray, and as much as I want to be with him for the rest of my life, and I know he's my person, like I am trying to respect that time that he needs, and I'm just putting a lot of faith into him that he does just need time. It could be a few months. I don't know, but I want him to be ready, and I want him to be sure. I did also say that to him. He was like, I want to hurt you in our whole conversation. And I was like, you wouldn't hurt me by telling me that you need a few more months to spend the rest of your life with me. You would hurt me if you stayed with me when you really didn't want to be with me. Or if you proposed to me with a fucking ring that you thought was ugly, when you really didn't want to propose with that ring, that's what would hurt me. I would rather him break up with me than stay with me when he's unhappy or unsure of me. So anyways, I do really believe in my heart that this is all boiling back to this awful, awful situation that this ring salesperson put him in. Like, I can't imagine spending that much money on a ring and then walking out and being like, why did I just do that? Like, I don't like the ring. I wasn't ready. I didn't ask her dad yet. Like, I think that's what it was. And that's what he said it was. So like, who might not believe him? And I do believe him. So I'm just really, really, really trying to not spiral. And I am trying to take my own advice. And I'm trying to reframe this uncertainty as to not be scary, but to be an opportunity. One that gives us more time to be sure both of us. And one that gives us more time. Like, it's a gift that we now have more time that we're not rushing into this. And we're not rushing. Like, it's been two years we like have known that we wanted to get married, but rushing the actual fun part. So yeah, I guess I don't really have to like wrap this up too much because this is the first part of the episode. So fingers crossed guys that there's something great for you to continue on to. Maybe after these few messages from our sponsors. This is probably crazy that I'm doing this. But um, let me just leave you with this overarching blanket declaration that I love this man and I want to marry this man. And I want to have babies with him. And I'm really going to try to fucking pink elephant strategy this shit and not go down that toxic rabbit hole that I started to go down and not think that it's about myself worth and not think that there's any boxes I need to check off. So he'll propose to me. I'm really trying to do all that. He's not that kind of a person. He does love me. He's not. He doesn't love me conditionally. He loves me unconditionally. And I I know that maybe this is also just me trying to convince myself of that. I don't know guys. Anyways, my declaration is that I really fucking hope we don't break up. And I want that to be clear. But if I had to just all of a sudden tell you how I was feeling this weekend, whenever whatever happens happens, it would have been really difficult. And hindsight would probably not be so kind if it's a breakup. And hindsight, if it's a proposal would probably be like, I'm as being so stupid and I would probably brush this off. But what I've been going through the last few days has been difficult. And like I said, I'm also trying to make my partner feel comfortable and feel that he can come to me and be honest with me and open with me. And I will, you know, what I told him when he said this to me was like, you're I'm not going anywhere. And like your happiness is also my priority. And, you know, and I'm not going anywhere. So here's a few words from our sponsors. Yeah, I'm not really going to sign off. See you in a couple of minutes. So we're just seeing six months or something. Fingers crossed. Okay, bye.