Want a Better Relationship With Your Teenager?

Well hello world. Today's episode is brought to you by Freedom and because afro man is free the lawsuit filed against him for defamation and slander has been dismissed. He has been found not guilty of all charges or all accusations whatever you're going to say. It's a good day for America. I digress. What this is really about is something I've wanted to talk about for quite some time and it is therapy with your kids and this is really for dads. I guess this could apply to moms as well but obviously I'm a dad and this is coming from the perspective of my relationship with my oldest daughter and how therapy has worked in our lives. To give you the background of well that would take forever. I can be and for a long time when they were little was fairly demanding, had high expectations and also had unspoken expectations which I like to say is just magical thinking. Kids aren't mind readers if you don't tell them what you expect they're going to try to figure it out and then if they don't you're going to be disappointed and it's just this vicious circle cycle that repeats and repeats and repeats and when you do that when they're little you are essentially laying the groundwork for difficulties as they get older. At least that's how I've seen it happen in my case. Ruby and I have always been close. She's my oldest so she's that first born. I did have these ideas that I would turn her into what I wanted and that wasn't healthy. Then fast forward they grow up she happened to be challenged with difficulties of in eighth grade going into her freshman year the end of eighth grade is when Covid hit and caused tremendous problems for all of these young people hurt she was no different and she struggled with some mental health stuff really struggled and we threw the entire kitchen sink at that problem and then life just happens they get older they have their own relationships they fall in love with the wrong people but of course they're not the wrong people at the time that you fall in love with them or you don't know that. School was not her favorite she has she has overcome like overcome dyslexia to become one of the most voracious readers and comprehenders of that reading of anyone that I know she's fantastic over time our relationship ebbed and flowed and since they felt and this is both my daughters that oftentimes talking to me turned into a lecture and that's very fair I felt that if I didn't constantly try to impart experience and wisdom and knowledge onto them that I was not doing my job as a parent and what they wanted was someone to just be there and listen to them maybe not talk maybe not talk so much and just be support so I wasn't always providing what they wanted I thought it was what they needed we're just trying to do our best and sometimes even those our intentions are good our best is not what is really needed or helpful then I got divorced and definitely caused new challenges is the best way I could describe it not so much because the kids were being used against each other or we were trying to have the kids provide us with the mental support or emotional support that we needed I will give the state of Missouri credit which is not something I do very often and that if you get a divorce in the state of Missouri they make you take it and you have children they make you take a parenting class and if I didn't take anything away from it what I did take away was this idea that your kids are not there to provide emotional support for you that is not their job and if you make them feel that it is or you rely on them for it you're putting an undue burden on them and you are setting yourself up for disappointment that really don't try to do my best to learn like really learn from that class and just from experience in general asking other guys what did they do what have they gone through other dads well as we got used to the new normal there was some friction occasionally and trying to figure out what that cadence was going to be how often we would talk on the phone when we would talk on the phone when I would see them in person when we would hang out all those things and I couldn't even tell you today what the boiling point was but I do remember driving home from work talking to her on the phone and us getting very getting into a fight yelling at each other crying hanging up calling back repeatedly it was not good we were very very mad at each other and I don't even know why at this point which I think is a good thing well it was suggested that I go to therapy with her specifically with her that we find someone that we can talk to we could have a third party in the room to mediate our discussion to ask us questions to validate to each other and to her what we are saying provide insight professional help so we did and at first it was pretty awkward you know I shared what I felt was going on Ruby shared what she felt was going on there were some tears it wasn't comfortable and we were given suggestions and almost assignments of things that we needed to work on so we started working on it and over the course of almost a year now we've probably gone I want to say at least 12 times more likely it's been 16 times because at least once a month and when we were starting we were going once every couple of weeks and slowly we started just talking about life more about what we cared about what we were interested in how our own life was going she's 20 years old And I believe that she now understands a little bit more about the fact that I am not just her dad. I'm a person who has their own desires and wants and hopes and dreams. Irrespective of being a dad, and I know that she has her own hopes and dreams and desires and wants. And slowly we made progress to where, at our last session, which was about a week ago. So we come in, we just talk, and one of the things that she asked us was just around like what do you feel's different now versus where you were then? And I said, one of the things that I feel has really improved is when I first got divorced, and was no longer going to be around the kids every day. I was terrified that somehow the relationship that I had with them would disintegrate or they would hate me or not want to be part of my life. So I was very deliberate about texting every single day, calling as often as I could, trying to arrange things, trying to do that. But it felt very forced, and that I was trying to check the boxes that need to be checked in order to play the role or have to keep the appearance up that I was doing all the things that you're supposed to do in order to be seen as a good dad, a good father, those kind of things. But I'm not sure, I believe that I was, my motivations and my intentions were because I definitely wanted to keep those relationships as strong as possible. But it was almost as if I was doing it also to create evidence so that when we could argue and adjudicate this in the future, whether it was me and the girls or me and my ex-wife or whomever, that I would have proof that, oh no, I had been doing all the right things. And that doesn't mean that I didn't love them or want to be with them or any of those things or want to talk to them. But what's interesting is now, and what the time heals all wounds, I'm not sure if that's true. But time definitely does, if you take action to work on things, show improvement. And I'd mentioned this to the therapist, one of the things that feels so much different now is I have real confidence, faith, and belief that when I call them, they answer. When I text them, they respond. When I say, hey, do you have some time? If you want to go out and hang out, they find time. It feels more genuine. It feels that they believe me and they trust me and that they know that I'm just coming from a place of love. That my actions have proven that I am no longer trying to force out of them what I want. And I'll give you another tiny little anecdote about that, because Ruby was aware of this. So my other daughter, Alice, is a junior. She's played soccer since she was, I don't know, four years old. She's really good. And she decided that she wasn't going to play soccer in high school anymore. And the season started, let's say, three weeks ago. And she told us maybe a couple days before the season started that she wasn't going to play. And instead she was going to try flag football. And my response was, that's cool. That's cool. And not only was my response, that's cool. My internal dialogue that was going on in my head was one of, that's cool. Not I'm disappointed, not, oh, I wish she would have not what can I do to convince her otherwise. It was, that's cool. And Ruby knew it. And I think she's when she saw that and heard that from Alice, that it also created that proof that I was talking about. That I was genuinely changing. And trying to be just there for them, just present, just listening. An ally, they know I consider one of my jobs as their dad. They know this to tell them during conversations or if they ask questions, what I believe or the experiences that I've had that have led me to those beliefs. And they respect that. I've learned to not do it from a place of when I say what I believe that I expect them to believe it as well. That used to be how I delivered those messages that has changed. So to wrap this up specifically for the dads out there and moms to the perspective and change you can gain from going to a shared therapy session with one of your kids, just you and your kid and the therapist. If you go in not trying to build evidence or score points, but genuinely listen and learn and then put those things into practice and then rinse and repeat that you can have profound changes in both the actual relationship and the way you view it and the way they view it. And through those actions, it grows love. It grows genuine love, concern, compassion and care for each other. That you think is just there because of the titles of the relationship, dad, daughter. But that's not really how it works. Just because you're born into it doesn't mean that those things are automatically there. They have to be nurtured and they have to be worked. They have you have to take action. You cannot think your way into it. So if you're struggling with a relationship with one of your kids and you are fortunate enough to either have the means, have the insurance or can find a provider who is willing to work with you from a financial perspective because let's be honest. None of this is convenient or cheap. But if you are willing to get uncomfortable, be rigorously honest with yourself and then in that room, the outcome through that process is beyond what you can imagine. It truly is. Oh man, what a beautiful day. It is a beautiful day. Peace.