Walking Away at the Top: Why Rogers Healy Left Success to Start Over

[Music] Hello beautiful beans and welcome to the podcast episode of today. This is a head noise episode. Little life update, I am going to give you a life update. I normally don't on a head noise episode, but today I will. And the life update is that it is Wednesday. I'm, I don't even know if it's worth apologising because you fucking have heard it from me before and what is the point of an apology if it's like you've done this a thousand times like I'm, I'm literally not practicing what I preach here, but I do apologise for the not being a Monday episode come out. It was like we were at the crux at the fucking finish line of the book and all weekend when I tell you I wrote 8,000 words on Sunday, I'm telling you I wrote fucking 8,000 words on Sunday and it was a feat and it was a feat and I feel like a new woman for it, but having said that that is the reason why I didn't do a Monday episode and if you guys know me, I'm all about organisation but I'm not organised so I need podcasts like mine and I need to do the kind of research that I do to make me as organised as possible and my biggest goal, it was my goal last year, it's the same fucking goal this year and it is to become more organised. Have I become more organised? Yes, have I become as organised as I'd like to become? Not yet and I do think that we're getting there and I think a huge reason why is because I talk about how unorganised I am and a language plays a big role. I'm a big and in this book that I wrote I talk a lot about the identity and what you identify with I'm not a morning person then it makes it hard to be a morning person so I'm the first person to admit that I have to change my language around that if I truly want to become an organised person. Having said that, this lack of organisation in the past which will change us off today led me to not have episodes banked therefore the Monday episode didn't come out but huge wins submitted this book, 55,000 words submitted it and now I've got a few weeks maybe a month I don't know, Aunt Thea, my publisher, I love you so much if you're listening, I love you so much but let's hope she takes a little bit longer than a few weeks to get through the first manuscript and then we can workshop it and tweak it and make it as good as possible before you guys get to read it. Okay that is the life update, what else? That's kind of it. Now I'm like weirdly really excited that like the book is handed in, the live show is done, the brunch is done, all these like major big milestone things are done and now that I'm getting into a really good rhythm with the twins I can't wait to get into just sounds weird that I'm getting excited about it but just like the the niceness of the of just daily routine call it Monday and call it nice whatever but I can't wait to just get into knowing what's on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and like structuring my week, my cousin is over right now, she's also got a podcast it's called The Pooch it's about motherhood and identity and all of that so if you're interested go check it out but she's over and today we're kind of like sitting together planning like structures for our weeks and how things are going to go so I'm feeling very very motivated about that. Anyway having said that this is a head noise episode so we're not here to fuck around, to fuck around for the last two minutes let's get straight into the first question this is an email head noise by the way so if you're interested send in the emails if you want to hear your voice be broadcast literally to the world when I say the word I mean we have listeners in all corners of the globe okay Spain my motherland if I can Sweden love you guys so much we've got Ireland we've got Uruguay okay we've got listeners everywhere and Uruguay is also another motherland of mine anyway so if you want your voice broadcast to the world submit your voice message through the website anyway let's go hi Alexis love your pod thank you I've been listening a couple of years now and hoping that you can help me with something that I've been struggling with I seem to have developed a negative self-talk which I think is getting in the way of me becoming my best self I had a really toxic job due to a terrible boss for over a year last year which eroded myself a steam on my ability I finally left and got something new recently so a new job thank goodness it's only been one day in the new role and they show what everyone is paid on the org chart and I've come in as a newbie as one of the top earners great hectic that they show everyone whatever gets paid but love that what you're one of the top earners love this for you only I now feel this immense pressure to perform and worried I don't deserve it a lot of the team have been their years and know a lot more than me and I'm doubting my ability probably some lingering trauma I use this word lightly by the way from my previous job about my ability to add growing up my parents didn't encourage me to do things and slash all that I could be anything I put my mind an effort to so this fixed mindset really like kind of mentality that I talk about I taught myself some growth mindset in my 20s I just wish I could switch my negative self talk to positive I used to be optimistic and now I see myself constantly thinking about everything that will go wrong instead of everything that will go right can you help yes I can help okay the first thing is that I love that you acknowledge this difference between growth mindset and fixed mindset for those of you that don't know what that is I'm going to give you very quick overview but also type in growth or fixed in the podcast search when you look at my podcast and I have an entire episode on growth mindset versus fixed mindset and the whole study is around it it's really fascinating basically growth mindset is where you put more energy into the effort especially with children when you encourage effort and hard work over results and because of that you you pride yourself on effort instead of winning and therefore you're willing to put in the effort even if you don't know for sure if you're going to win fixed mindset are people that are more praised for winning and only winning people that are praised for winning and only winning think that their identity and their value lies in winning and therefore you would think that they would push themselves to win but instead the outcome is that they will pull back from things that they're not sure they're going to win so they could be quite bright but they will look at a situation be like I don't know for a fact that I'm going to win this is actually a lot harder so instead of trying and potentially failing which is what I pin my identity to which is winning I'm not going to try it all and they get really anxious with trying certain things because they think that their value because that's how they've invalidated comes from winning so growth mindset is all the energy and effort goes into your attempt at something and how hard working you are and therefore people are going to studies show that people that are more growth mindset spend a lot more time trying and working through something and problem solving than people with a fixed mindset because they don't fear failing or losing because their identity is entitled to the ultimate outcome okay so that's what we're kind of talking about and I love that you brought that up because I think it's really relevant to this okay can you change it yes absolutely you can change it so what I would suggest that you do is you always every time we have an emotional kind of visceral reaction to something we need to bring in logical reasoning to kind of counterbalance that emotional reaction we've had so you'll have something good happen oh you're the highest owner one of the highest owners and then your immediate reaction is like oh my god I'm a bit of an imposter don't know if that's right should I be earning this much and other people have been here longer doesn't matter how long other people have been there for it doesn't matter how much they know I'm sure I don't know what the job is but I'm sure that you were paid on your merit obviously when you applied for this job you were given an opportunity to show what your level of expertise is what you've done in the past and so you were paid according to the results that you have provided in the past and your level of knowledge in the field that you're in the person that hired you and is paying you is I would imagine they're not someone who has no fucking idea they know what they're looking for in the role and they've hired accordingly you fit the brief so while you might not have been there for long enough and while you're thinking oh my god but these people know more and this and that whatever the person that hired you hired you for a reason number one okay they're not hiring you because you need to produce results today they're hiring you because you have a good track record they're also probably quite away if they're semi normal in the head that it's going to take a little bit of time to really get to know your new job and to really you know be all cylinders firing like you would have in other roles in the past okay so as far as should you have gotten the job and is this and whatever I wouldn't question that okay because I'm sure that you didn't lie the only time I'd be panicking is if you lied on your resume and then absolutely you should fucking panic because if you don't have the skills that's required for the job big problem okay but I doubt that that's what you're doing so let's talk about how you can start rewriting your negative self-talk into more optimistic positive self-talk you've probably heard me say it but I'm going to apply it to what it is that you're doing we need the latter effect okay you haven't heard me say it welcome to my turn talk this is where we talk about realistic self-talk that feels good and empowering but real that I can take on board and it actually makes sense and it actually talks me off the ledge in the moment versus something that feels so outrageous that it doesn't feel believable that it's actually not helpful so for example say you're impoverty and someone says you need to start looking in the mirror every morning and saying I'm a millionaire I'm a millionaire you're going to be like can't fuck off fuck off I can't pay my bills I don't even have electricity that's not going to work right it's not realistic and it's not to say that I don't think affirmations work I actually think affirmations are phenomenal but you've got to learn how to use them properly the point the reason why affirmations work and why positive self-talk works when it does is because it is believable to you so if you are impoverty and it's believable to you that you're a millionaire say that affirmation but most people don't feel that way so what can you start saying about yourself that feels believable and once you start saying that thing you say long enough you feel believable you start like leveling up and then you got the next step this next statement sounds believable okay so but step one before any of that you need to name it to Tame it step one name to Tame it. When you name it to tame it, you snap out of this emotional catastrophic spiraling side of your brain and your mind, and you bring some logic into it. Because by naming it, you're bringing in the reasoning, the prefrontal cortex part of the brain that has like, you know, the executive function, you know, logical planning, reasoning, all of that, and it's kind of connecting a lot stronger with the emotional pathways of the brain. So that, like, you kind of start to talk yourself down of that ledge. So the first thing you're going to say is, and you can do this in private, you don't have to say it out loud in the office in front of all your colleagues, because they're going to think you're tapped in the head, but just say, I feel anxious because I'm feeling a little bit of imposter syndrome right now. I'm feeling that the lightly phrased trauma that I experienced in my last job is now coming to haunt me in this new job, right? I don't feel good enough. That is what you're feeling. You need to name it. When you name it, it stops growing under the surface. It stops brewing. You're actually able to look at it, shine the light on it. It stops growing and you can now address it. So it's important that you do this. I'm feeling not good enough. I don't feel adequate for the role that I've been given. Okay, cool. Now we bring logic reasoning into it. What's the first, the next feeling thought that I can say to myself, that's going to make me feel a little bit more capable. I was hired on my merit. I might feel a little bit green in this role, but I was hired on my merit. So then you start justifying, well, of course it's normal to feel a little bit inadequate because it's a new role. I also don't expect you to be like, you've got to be 100% confident. Like you might be and that would be great, but most people don't. And that's normal. Okay, so don't think that it's abnormal for you to not feel confident in the role. You're brand new in this job. That's fucked up normal no matter how experienced you are. So say I feel green. So it's triggering me to feel the certain way, but I was hired on my merit and I can stand by that. Good. Now once this starts feeling good, the next thing you say, you're going to say is I know I'm a hard worker and I've produced results in the past. That if I apply the same work to now, I can produce the same. Okay, that feels really good. Then what's the next, what's the next thought after that? And you just keep going and going and going and going until you are at that point where you're like, I'm fucking I earn my KP. I deserve every dollar I fucking make because I'm a hard worker and I've earned it and I'm good. And I ask for feedback and I'm good at taking feedback and I'm good at approaching my boss even when they haven't given me any negative feedback and say anything you want to add. Is there something you want to tell me? Like is there something that I could sharpen my skills in? What else could I be doing? Like you can, I have the opportunity to grow. I feel confident that I don't take criticism as a bad thing. I look at it as an opportunity for growth and you just keep going and going and going and going and that's where you will get to. But right now, name it to team at what's the next believable statement that feels a little bit more empowering than this position that I'm in right now. Hopefully that helped and hopefully that can be applied to many other people in this situation because I think it's a very shared experience with just the public in general but also within my audience too. Okay. Next one. This one is called trauma or trauma relationships trauma. Hi Alexis first. I love your podcast and the advice you give. I don't usually ask for a dose from people but I totally trust you. Don't get it. Anyway, my name, well I'm not going to say your name but my name is and I have a girlfriend. We went together for about 14 months. We met when I was ending my marriage and she was trying to get out of an abusive relationship. We truly have so much in common in terms of the things we enjoy doing without free time. Our beliefs in all of the big important things and our plans for the future. She has had a really shit life like some of the worst things you could think of. She's been through. Like some of the worst things you could think of she has been through. So of course she has a ton of trauma and mental health issues from it. At first I had no problem being there for her but as I've grown over the past year and confronted a lot of my own stuff that has come to the surface because of this relationship, I'm feeling more and more overwhelmed by it all and like I'm not the person that she needs. I have my own shit too because but because of her bigger issues I feel very lonely because her stuff takes priority over mine. She says she wants me to confide in her still regardless of what she's going through but when I do I feel like it doesn't get the time and a contention that I give her. Just as bad as it sounds every day there is something. We can't have one day where we are just enjoying life. We live in America so she hasn't had insurance for a long time which means it's been really hard for her to be to have consistent therapy. She has a fear of medicine too so she struggles to stay on meds. It's just really complicated. I don't want this to be my life forever period. I can't live like this long term but I love her so much and I want her to be better and I sympathise so hard with her because all of the horrendous shit she's been through and still has to deal with currently. I also just want to live a happy life with a partner who could be there for me as much as I can be there for them. Do you know I don't know what to do please help. When it comes to existential questions and crisis moments and relationships it's very hard for me to tell you exactly should you stay or should you go. What I'm going to do is hopefully give you questions that can help you answer that major question for yourself. The first thing is if you knew that by leaving her she would be okay would that change your decision number one. Do you think that the main reason you're staying is because you feel worried to leave her because she's just got all these traumas and this is going to be an additional difficult thing that she has to go through in her life a break up. If you knew that she would actually be fine leaving would that sway your decision in any way or are you with her because you genuinely are like no this is my person we're just going through a rough patch but she's my person I want to be with her forever there's a very big difference and it's really important that you get to the bottom of it because you can love her and I'm sure you do but like I've said before love unfortunately is not enough in a relationship love is not enough. We love people that are wrong for us we love people that don't love us back we love people under the wrong scenarios we love that love is not enough okay. You need love number one of course you need it but then you need other things as well you need compatible compatibility you need the same major desires for your life so I think it's good that you have differences with your hobbies differences with your goals differences you know like so you're still an individual but when it comes to the overall outlook for the long term trajectory of your life you are aligned. So you're saying I want this kind of more lighthearted enjoyable life where I can have fun and have you know but this is so heavy it's so heavy and it feels like there's just there's no change at least no change inside okay. Do you genuinely believe genuinely in the bottom of your heart that you have that long term compatibility with your partner because you might say you know what yeah we actually do like even though she's going through all of this shit I I do see that deep down where there is this long term compatibility or you might be saying you know what no I love her because I'm in love with her but really I don't see us growing as a couple I don't see our relationship evolving past this and maybe you don't see the relationship evolving past it because you yourself don't have your needs met which leads me to my next question I both of you having your needs met in a relationship a relationship is not going to be a successful relationship long term and by successful I mean people feeling like their cup is full feeling validated within the relationship feeling that they're able to give as much as they can take that kind of relationship success you know do I think that this could be a successful relationship long term as far as having both our needs met because if all her needs met from your end I'm not talking about needs met as far as life but within the relationship you're not getting your needs met right now do you think you'll be able to get your needs met soon in the short term future in the long term future what does that look like for you and where do you draw the line which leads me to my next question which is how what would have to change in order for me to stay and what would have to change in order for me to leave because another issue that a lot of people do is they think I'll just stay until things get better or worse and things are already quite bad though but you just stay and you stay and you stay and you stay and you say oh well things get really bad I'll leave if it does get bad I'll leave but you underestimate how much you can put up with and you could probably be in this relationship for decades resenting the fucking hell out of her being miserable as fuck probably depressed probably on meds yourself by that point but you could still be there but it's not what you want so you need to have some really hard lines some hard parameters if you like as far as like your long term happiness and long term success and everyone needs to do this not just in romantic relationships jobs the city they live in and everything if you're not happy in your current situation you've got to have some tangible markers for you to make big decisions moving forward so you've got to say if I was to stay what is the tangible thing that would have to occur and by when okay and if I was to leave how much worst does it have to get or maybe it doesn't have to get worse but maybe I could be offering help offering help offering help but if nothing changes in six months or in three months or in whatever the time frame then that's my cue to be like well I've got all the answers that I need I have to leave you've got to create what those parameters look like and only you can create those parameters you need to know how to measure this because if you can't you will be here for years and years and years and years under the guise of will I love her but like I said love is not enough and you could you could be with her forever and be a martyr and suffer in order for her to suffer less but she's already suffering not to say not to say you should be adding to the suffering but I'm saying they're going to suffer alone or with you so you've got to decide do I want to go on this journey with her because I think that we can build on something beautiful together or is it going to be a constant drain well never have my needs met and even though I'm trying to meet her needs, it's not helping in the long run. At the end of the day, I can offer to help as much as possible, but how much is she able to help herself? Not that it's, you know, whatever. The point is, can I be in this relationship long term feeling happy within the relationship? Because as hard as it is and as sad as it is what she's going through, you do deserve happiness. And as awful as it is, it gets to a point where you've got to say, as horrible as what she's gone through, I'm not responsible for her healing. I will want to help whenever possible, but it is not my responsibility for her healing. So given that, what does my future look like? What do I want it to look like? And what do I think it's going to look like? And then you've got to marry the two up and say, is this cohesive or not? Okay? Hopefully that gave you some food for thought. It is a really difficult position to be in, but you might have listened to everything I said and you might have thought, no, you know what, you're making it sound so much worse that it is, she's actually a fucking legend. We actually are really, really compatible. It's just a rough patch. I actually see the light at the end of the tunnel. And then great, that's best case scenario, right? But otherwise, think long and hard about these, well, maybe not even that long, but think hard about these questions. Really do some, it's like analyzing, crack open this relationship, put it down on paper, write down what you need to write down because time is of the essence. You're not helping yourself or her being in this longer than it needs to be. So if it's not gonna work out, you want to make that decision sooner rather than later. Okay? I really hope that that did help, but, you know, next question. Hi Alexis, okay, it says, "Confrontation makes me forget English." Hi Alexis, I have a question. I struggle a lot with confrontation, especially when it comes from a stranger. If someone is rude to me or confronts me instead of responding or standing up for myself, I get scared and I freeze. I feel like a deer in the headlights and I never know what to say. I just want to run and hide. I don't like conflict or drama. I would really like to get better at handling those situations. Do you have any tips on how I can improve with how I handle confrontation? I think we've had a similar question to this not that long ago. I could be wrong. Maybe I answered it on my Instagram. But yes, okay, there's many ways that you can handle confrontation. The first thing that you need to decide is, number one, is what am I most afraid of when it comes to confrontation? Is it that I'm worried that someone's not gonna like me? And what is the outcome that I feed the most? Because when you get to the bottom of what the outcome is, then you're able to workshop this a little bit more. But for example, one of the best ways to deal with confrontation in my opinion, if it's someone who's close with you, because you said, you know, instead of responding or standing up for myself, I get scared and freeze. I never know what to say. If it's something like, let's say someone pulls you up on something and you're like, if I had time to process this, I could probably say a lot of really intelligent things. I could really say the right thing. You could say, let's say it's a workplace thing, let's say it's within a relationship, someone comments on something you've done, whether it's been something wrong, and they're being critical if you whatever. One of the best things is to buy yourself time, okay? Buy yourself time to then be able to put the best response forward. So number one, is don't agree. Stop agreeing with people and you don't have to freeze. You could just say, I'm gonna take everything you said on board and I will reply. I will respond to you. So it's polite, you've acknowledged, you've addressed it, but you've bought yourself the time. So if it's the kind of confrontation where you think, I need to defend myself in the moment, you're not being a daughter, but you're also not being put on the spot when it's something that you really, really struggle with and you can't speak. So you just say that one thing you say, I'm taking that on board and I will reply. And then you could reply in a message in an email, you can reply in another way, or you can retreat, if it's in a relationship, you can retreat, take a few minutes, gather your thoughts, and then re-approach with a calm mind. Another thing that you can do is, when it comes to disagreeing with someone, and this is what I highly, highly recommend, let's say someone that you don't know that well and you're trying to impress and they say something, you're like, do you agree, whatever, and it's something that you absolutely don't agree with, you don't have to agree. You could just be like, no, I'm interested in hearing what you have to say. I like hearing what you have to say. So it kind of allows you to still be non-confrontational, but without going behind, without kind of abandoned in your sense of self, without going behind your own identity and what your beliefs and your schema and all of that, and going against yourself and betraying yourself and lying just to appease someone, you could just say, no, I'm interested in what you have to say, I like listening to your point of view. You're not agreeing, you're also not disagreeing, so you're not in this position of conflict, okay? There's always a way that you could keep a conversation going without having to directly disagree with someone, and if someone says, no, but I want your opinion, I want your opinion, you can just say, I haven't made up my opinion yet, and so I don't want to say anything right now. And if they keep pushing you for it, just say, let's drop it, I haven't made my opinion yet, you just keep repeating yourself. No one has a gun to your head, you don't have to say anything, but those are my two things. So if it comes to like a disagreement and you don't feel comfortable disagreeing, you're gonna just give that neutral response when you still allow them to talk, but you say, I, you know, I, you don't have to disagree, you say, I'm just interested in what you have to say, and I'm grateful that you're sharing your point of view across with me. If it's something where someone's pulling you up on something and criticizing your work, then this is the perfect opportunity for you to say, give me a moment, I will get back to you on that. The more you do that, you will realize, wait a minute, I have been able to stand up for myself, not in the moment, but I was able to buy myself that opportunity or time, and I didn't die, I didn't, I'd melt down, I survived through it, it was hard, but I got through it, and then just that alone will start to increase your levels of self-esteem, and then you're gonna realize that you might be able to share your own opinion on something, or maybe someone criticizes you, you're able to, on the spot, say, you're right, I didn't actually do that well, however, I believe XYZ, and maybe I can do this, or maybe this, or whatever, and you start coming up with better things, or if someone criticizes you and something that's not true, you'll be able to say, you know what? I think you've misinterpreted what occurred, this is actually what's happening, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, okay? So I always say like, one of the reasons why confrontation really irks people who are not confrontational is because they end up saying something that's not the truth, they end up agreeing with someone that they actually don't agree with, they end up nodding and smiling when they didn't, wish they didn't do that, they end up pretending that they're someone that they're not just to avoid conflict, and then when they leave, they're like, I abandoned myself, I've kind of betrayed myself, and I really hate that, it irks you at grinds your gears. So as long as you don't do that, I can guarantee you, you'll feel so much better about the situation, you'll feel so much better about it, even if you didn't speak exactly your mind in the moment. Trust me, you don't have to agree with someone to still stand your ground. You can be neutral as fuck, but still honoring yourself, and you're like, I don't like confrontation, I didn't ask for this debate, this person's shoving it to bed in my face, I don't have to say my point of view, and you don't, you fucking don't, they don't have more authority over you than you have over yourself. So you say, not interested in this debate, I don't have to give you my point of view, but I also don't need to freak out and agree with you and whatever, I could just be neutral as fuck, and that is my advice to anyone who's kind of going through this like, oh my god, like, how do I react? I don't want to, neutral, neutral, neutral, that's the way to go. That, hopefully that helps you with your question, and with anyone else kind of going through that, because I've been through those moments as well in my time as well, so I think that really helps. Anyway, guys, thank you so much for sending in your head noise questions, I'm also really excited. I'm gonna keep you updated on how my, my road to being an organized queen is going. I actually think having the kids and having twins pushes me more to be more organized. Like my wardrobes never been tired yet, since I've had kids, which is outrageous, and a rage of statement, but I think I just have to be more organized. So every month I notice myself be more and more organized, tiny, tiny steps, but we're getting there. So you guys are coming on the journey of me being organized, I wanna get to a point where I've got like four weeks of episodes banked in advance, and I wanna get to that point relatively fucking soon, because Shania, my right hand man, who does all my socials and editing and whatever, she will also love me for it, she would appreciate it massively. Anyway, that is all for today, thank you so much for tuning in to this episode. Thank you to my global beans, my local beans, my everyone bean, please subscribe if you're not already subscribed. Like and share, you got sharing the podcast, huge. You're doing God's work. Love you guys so much. As always, remember be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain, don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself. Dunk it.