Wade's Worst House Issues (Compilation)

This episode of Distractible is presented to you by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet. The folks over at T-Mobile have some big news for you. They now have the fastest 5G home internet according to the experts at Ookla Speedtest. So if you want the fastest 5G speeds with a five-year price guarantee, visit t-mobile.com slash home internet to check availability. Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Fastest based on Ookla Speedtest. Intelligence data, second half 2025. All rights reserved. From brown buddy showers to miscellaneous mishaps. It's time for Wade's Worst House Issues. Have we talked much since I had to replace five toilets? Wait, what? When did you have to replace five toilets? That's like all the toilets at your house. Yeah. For some reason in Ohio, some of these houses are built. They're like three bedrooms, but they're like, you know what? You need five bathrooms. And everyone's like, oh man, five bathrooms. No, you don't. You don't wish you had five bathrooms. Everyone in Ohio only eats junk food. So they just constantly have the runs, right? So you need toilets close by in case you got a diarrhea. I guess so. I don't know why there are so many bathrooms, but let me tell you, all that it means is literally more shit to clean. So much. It's so bizarre. In my entire life, and I have owned a house. I have lived in apartments. I have never had a toilet break on me. I've never seen a toilet like just in my own home, at least. Really? Yeah. I've never seen a toilet shut down. Three of the five have broken. And I was so mad. I was so fed up because we had water damage in the same ceiling that Mormon guy was. I was just like, you know what? I'm done. I don't care what it costs. I called. I was like, bring me five toilets. Install them. Do my bidding today. Like, oh, we can do it tomorrow. I was like, fine. Tomorrow. I literally replaced every toilet in the house because I was just like, I'm so fed up. I'm tired of like every six months. I need more water damage. They're like, yeah, we were. We replaced the spickity spookity inside the back of the back of the you won't have any more drips. It's like, oh, well, fuck right off because I will. That plumber who talks like that is definitely a key component of your problem. I think if you paid a guy to come into your house and he was all to spickity spookity at the back of the back, that's a red flag. Wait, that's a bad start. Okay. Yeah, that's no good. Yeah. What's going on with you? Nothing. I've been locked in my house for like two weeks since we got back. Uh, we got family visiting here soon. So I got to like clean house. It's like, oh, I feel better. Time to clean toilets. So that's my week coming up. Very exciting stuff. It takes like five minutes to clean the toilet. This house has five. I live in a house with five toilets. I have a man who has five toilets. Wow, man. And I replaced them all once. So technically I've owned 10 in this house. Yeah. All of them flood. That's your only superpower. Just take such prolific shits that no toilet will survive. For long. Anytime anybody listening ever has a water issue, I get tweeted and blamed for it. Like anytime someone's like, I spilled my coffee at work. It got my desk wet. Drowned man curse. It's like, I don't think so. I couldn't imagine what that must be like. And Mark definitely has no idea. Yeah. Nothing like that. Anyway, Bob, how's your fridge? It's fine. Actually, you know what? It's still a piece of shit. I hate it every day. All right. You stand there eating it. Things are actually pretty good. We got rid of our old house. So I'm no longer a man with 10 toilets. I'm only a man with five. You have five toilets? Dude, I feel like every house we've ever looked at in Cincinnati, for some reason, it's like one bedroom, five toilets. You know what? I just, I say that, but I, we do have four toilets in my house. I forgot. I mean, for Cincinnati, man, I don't know if it's because we have chili or what it is, but they're like, you need toilets. You need so many toilets. You gotta have the capacity to dump out. On every floor of your house, at least one location. Okay. You gotta have a master bathroom. If you have, if you have a two-story house and a basement, which I feel like a basement's pretty standard here, but it's have a basement toilet, a main floor toilet, a master toilet, and then like one upstairs guest. You have to have at least four toilets. Otherwise it's not really a house. It's a weird warehouse. You've been set up. You're on like Ashton Kutcher's Punk'd. Was he the one that hosted Punk'd? I think so, actually. So if you don't have four toilets or more in Cincinnati, you're, you're, you're on an episode of Punk'd. I've lived here all my life. It's been a 20 year buildup. He's coming. Ashton is coming. All right. So that's doing well for you? Well, having five less toilets is great. Yeah. That's, that's the takeaway from. All right. Thank you for the time. Wait, no, can I, I don't, I, so I don't want to get into the details of the transaction because I don't want to dox you or anyone, but what, how was the, to the disclosures on your old house in regards to all the water damage stuff? Oh, I was very transparent. You write like a five page paper of like, and then this toilet leak and it came through this ceiling and there's pictures in the, in the appendix. For every issue we had, we spent so much money trying to fix everything correctly. And we redid so many like pipes that like on the form, I was like, look somewhere along the ownership lines, there were a lot of like, do it yourselfers that really sucked. And we spent whatever, five years redoing they're doing, and this happened, this happened, this happened. And this happened, but we did everything we can to fix it right. And we did this, we did that. We replaced this. Like I was very upfront because honestly, I am proud of the work we had done in that house because we thought it would be our forever home. So we were fixing it up to like be done correctly for that. So I had just, I fully disclosed every, even things I probably didn't have to disclose. I was like, this happened. We fixed it. You're welcome. Buy my house. I would tell you all what's going on in my life, but other than more plumbing issues, I do have more plumbing issues. You have new plumbing issues. Yeah. So, um, we had the bathroom. We had the backflow thing removed, right? And then they wanted to come like check everything out. They're like, okay, we're just going to come out, do like an inspection, make sure everything's working good. And they came out working good. And they're like, well, while we're here, let's go ahead and just test. Like we'll do your normal inspection. We'll test your faucets and things. The guest room shower, they went to turn on like the tub faucet thing and it was pouring out water. And they're like, all right, they flip it to the shower, shower, like trickles out some water, the tub part still pouring out. And then behind the tub part, water starts spraying, like where it connects to the wall, which is not where it's supposed to be spraying. So we went to replace that. And a plumber came back and was like, okay, you guys have the trim thing. I'm like, yep, got it. Is it the right one? Yep. This looks like the right one. Great. Couldn't take long. Went to install it. And I guess it comes with like an O-ring that helps seal it. And somehow the plumber took this new O-ring and just fucking ripped it in half or something and was like, ah, well, I can't finish installing it because you see this O-ring is damaged. I accidentally ripped it whenever I was doing blah, blah, blah, blah. I was like, oh, okay. He's like, don't worry. We got tons of these. I'll get one, be back out tomorrow to fix it. They have ghosted me since I've heard nothing. Oh no. Oh no. This O-ring is lost in the void. Per usual, we've got company coming soon. And I guess I've got to rule out that particular bedroom because, well, the bathroom. If you try to use the shower. Also, this is a more subtle thing that doesn't apply to everyone. If you get a generator installed, your generator comes with a set of keys that keeps it locked up so people can't just access it that are going by. I highly recommend you don't lose the keys because man, oh man, can they not inspect the generator if you don't have the keys? Not saying I lost my keys. I'm just telling you all out there, don't. You know what? That axiom that I live by when you're talking about keys is don't lose them. Doesn't matter if it's for a bike lock, for a cabinet. Maybe you got keys for, you know, for some kind of deck box, generator. You know what I do is I just keep those. Yeah. No, what you got to do is you've got to sneak into Wade's house and just start pouring cups of water around. the bases of all the toilets fucking god damn it no wade walks into a dark bathroom flicks the lights on and there's like 16 ounces of water on the floor and he's like no yeah you're new is the new is the you guys remember when wade's toilet leaked water for like two years straight yes i did just this year i had to replace all the toilets that happened again this year dude my mind was blown because i was on tiktok just browsing and i saw someone in a drowned man shirt and it was just like they were doing a completely different bit not related they were just wearing it casually and i'm like oh my oh my god oh my god that's cool yeah it's very weird yeah this episode is brought to you by t-mobile 5g home internet you already know the t-mobile 5g home internet is ridiculously easy to set up with a price that doesn't feel like you're getting scammed every month but here's something new worth noting t-mobile now is the fastest 5g home internet according to the experts at ucla speed test no seriously their 5g home internet speeds are officially the fastest which means that when you're downloading all your movies that aren't mine every single one except for mine you'll get them at the fastest speeds possible along with all your video calls and uploading files and maybe even streaming something in the background you know and yeah it is still a great value backed by a five-year price guarantee so your bill doesn't slowly creep up when you're not paying attention so if you want the fastest 5g home internet you can get it at tiktok.com for the simple setup and savings that actually stick head over to t-mobile.com slash home internet to check availability today price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply fastest based on ucla speed test intelligence data second half 2025 all rights reserved uh but this week we're going to be starting it in an unusual fashion we're going to be starting with small talk oh boy a lot of great things a lot of great things um did you know radon is a thing and there's systems that mitigate it and boy when those systems go wrong and they buzz for like four or five seconds they make a horrible kicking noise every four minutes throughout all your entire life and you can even hear it in your bedroom and you're trying to go to sleep and like you get that moment where it's like uh kind of wakes your ass up real quick so man i'm on a kick uh who needs coffee energy drinks when you have radon mitigation okay just turn it off apparently i can unplug it i found that out today yeah you should have i guess if you have a basement or you're near water or whatever else like a little radon detection at very very least if you do have high radon mitigation is important because radon can eventually lead to lung cancer and other bad things you don't want that so radon is a radioactive gas that has no smell color or taste produced from the natural radioactive decay of uranium which is found in all rocks and soils that was ebay how much uh so are you on a list now for searching ebay for radon i don't think so i don't think radon is really something you could buy in bulk it's a it's a gas that seeps into basements i don't think it's well you haven't gone to costco or sam's and looked for it i was at costco today didn't have any radon well that's unfortunate so weight is irradiated i mean i have lenses that are somewhat radioactive but i think it's okay do you think that's why i'm bald yeah it's you really should stop blocking the radon with the top of your head you should go chin up sometimes i am the mitigation system it's all absorbing into your scalp to keep your hair away like wait you're so lazy you'll never leave the house it's like well every five minutes i have to go dunk my head in the radon bucket has anything bad happened to your house you know my birthday happened recently terrible occurred what bad thing could happen to a man on his birthday well you guys remember the radon mitigation system i mentioned that once or twice and your fireplace was beeping you ever get that fixed fireplace was beeping so uh here's what happened we replaced our sump pump we replaced a fan for the radon mitigation system those things are connected and then i went outside and uh the dogs were outside you know sniffing around going to the restroom and they both like got to a point where they were like oh hell yes and they took off toward like the side of the house and i was like what in the fuck are they so excited about oh no a dead animal something terrible and they ran over to like our ac unit and they were just like oh god i love this smell they were like going nuts running around and i was like what in the shit is happening and i walked over and i was like what was someone eating waffles out here because the only thing i could smell was this really strong scent of maple syrup most obvious maple syrup i could not be mistaken for anything else it was maple syrup and i was looking around and i was like i don't see anything on the ground there's like gas line i guess there's this ac unit i guess there's this really powerful power cord that says like duke energy which is a cincinnati power company on it what could possibly be dangerous right here i hope it's not a gas leak oh god the dog's really crazy it's a gas leak i'm gonna blow up and die uh because earlier that day as bob mentioned uh my fireplace was beeping whenever somebody was outside doing something i forget what they were doing but um oh we had like some wood like around uh we have a generator and the wood got damaged around the generator when someone was doing like some kind of landscaping thing on the generator and they were like oh my god there's a gas leak in the generator itself so we replaced like a piece of wood and the guy was over there working and i was like you replaced the wood on around the generator and he hit a gas line and now it's leaking a maple syrup smell we're all gonna die so the first thing i did was i immediately called like the gas company and i was like they were like this is after hours in case of emergency i was like yes it could be and they were like uh hey what's going on i was like does gas smell like maple syrup and they were like i don't think so but you know what i'm gonna put i'm gonna get you one of our technicians they'll call you in a few minutes we'll get you sorted and while we're waiting to hear back i was doing more research i was like maple syrup smell maple syrup smell could be urine could be an uh air conditioning coolant leak and i was like ac units right there ac coolant leak that's it i'm gonna call and get someone from the ac company out here so i called i was like hey you guys know that maple syrup smell i saw it online i've got that and the person was like um never heard that one before but i okay okay uh maybe maybe you have an older model no no traditional home security only alerts you after a break-in and that's too late simply safe is changing that stop this is simply safe police are on the way we don't just alert we help stop crime before it starts plans starting around a dollar a day right now get 70 off your new system with professional monitoring at simply safe.com spotify simply safe ahead of crime in real time outdoor deterrence plans start at 49.99 a month visit simply safe.com licenses for alarm license information oh no you can't trick me i've got the maple syrup smell maple syrup smell maple syrup smell maple syrup smell maple syrup smell maple syrup stink i sounded like a madman because i kept calling numbers i was like dude maple syrup i know i know it's you i know it's you i know maple syrup i got the smell maple syrup so i kept calling and eventually like you know the the gas company the technician called me back and he's like it would smell like uh eggs or something whatever smell he told me like propane has a scent other gas has a scent he was going through different scents of things so okay probably not that uh next uh the other person called me they were like hey i can come out tomorrow take a look if it's i'll come take a look tomorrow we'll see what it is uh this is on april 2nd so uh i'm streaming and then uh nine o'clock eastern i end my stream uh and then molly texts me door question mark and i was like door and uh i go upstairs and there's people at my front door and i'm like who's at my front door at nine o'clock at night is it the gas company maple syrup is it the ac people i open the door and tyler is standing outside i was like you don't live here then uh our friends bird and foo uh are on the phone and i'm like oh my god i'm on the phone and i'm like oh my god i'm on the phone we're also outside next to tyler i was like you guys also don't live here you're holding something is that a cookie cake they're like surprise that's like what what what's happening oh it's my birthday tomorrow you guys are here the day before my birthday surprise we might have a gas leak got their suitcases and stuff and i was like come on in it's definitely safe nothing to worry about so they surprised me it was awesome they came in we hung out next day is my birthday and uh we're gonna take a look at the ac unit probably to replace something but you know it'll be cool dude shows up takes a look at the ac unit and on my birthday i'm describing this maple syrup smell and the guy's like i do smell maple syrup actually like i've never heard that honestly thought you were crazy but it smells like maple syrup i was like i'm not crazy i know maple syrup i've had it i've eaten maple syrup before i know the smell it goes on waffles it goes on pancakes french toast i know about maple syrup so the guy's trying to convince me it's not the ac unit and he's like he's rubbing his hands on the pipes of the thing he's like i know this is the ac unit this is weird but like and i was like oh for those who are just listening wade jutted his fingers towards camera not said a word that's what happened was the guy held his fingers toward me like in a very took me a minute to realize an attempt to get me to sniff his fingers well he didn't want to say out loud the words smell my fingers i don't like to admit it to anyone but yes i paid this man 60 to come to my house so i could smell his fingers on my birthday oh did you three separate times i smelled this man's fingers three times that's a little strange and none of the times that his fingers smell like maple syrup they were bad it got away from bad to worse the mystery thickens you know and there were only two pipes you rubbed on so i really i honest i swear to god i don't know what the third one was that i smelled but they were all bad i don't mean to say it but have you thought about a canadian ghost like i hadn't there are a lot of canadian ghost refugees in ohio are you are you is your house on a canadian ghost burial ground is this like i i just gotta ask yes people do they they uh they have their pilgrimage from canada to cincinnati to bury their loved ones where i live quite often but yeah i smelled his fingers no maple syrup nothing good really weird uh and the guy's like okay well let me check a couple other things you have like an exhaust pipe over here from your furnace i'm gonna go check that just to make sure it's not a gas leak i've got this fun little thing that looks like a ghost buster tool i'm gonna rub across all your pipes so we did that no gas but he did smell our exhaust thing from our furnace he was like the scent's kind of strong i'm gonna take a look at your furnace make sure we're all good there then i guess i'll get out of here and uh the smell doesn't go away call someone else that's like okay cool who do i call and he's like ghostbusters my voice is ghostbusters i'm just kidding i i don't know see ya see ya exit a bit you're like i don't even learn see well i was the guy it was the guy right yeah way to stay there next to the repair technician and he's like who do i call and the ghostbusters no i'm just kidding i gotta go good luck i don't know man just as an exit tool for a conversation i don't want to be in that's great see ya see ya so guy comes in the house he looks at the furnace and he's like all right uh it's an older furnace let me take a look here to describe what happened uh his eyes got wide and he froze didn't say a word immediately reached for a valve turned it grabbed an orange i think it was orange ticket out of i don't even know where immediately put it around the thing and he was like oh my god i don't want to be in this conversation i was like you need new furnace i was like what the maple syrup he's like no no maple syrup maple syrup he's like i don't know what made the maple syrup noise but like your heat exchange is uh you need a new furnace oh no can you just do that real quick i don't know if you guys remember this but a year year and a half ago old house guess what had to replace the furnace in the ac unit i do remember that yeah so the guy's like you need a new furnace and like you know your ac unit it's newer uh but some parts were soldered and welded that aren't supposed to be uh it's not really a great brand and in all honesty i was gonna just tell you that you might want to look into replacing it at some point before it goes bad because it was just it was installed really poorly and i was like oh so if you're gonna do the furnace you could do a bundle where you do the furnace in ac unit and i was like dude i just did this like a year ago don't do this to me man not you not like this please maple syrup i called you about maple syrup don't tell me the furnace maple syrup maple syrup we can have some guys come out tomorrow i'll have another guy come out today he'll go over pricing and stuff with no i don't want to i don't want to do it I don't want to do it. Ultimately had to wait. Meanwhile, you know, Tyler, Bird, Foo, they're chilling. They're like, oh man, we can go downtown to Cincinnati. We go to the zoo. Maybe we can call it Bob Mandy. We hang out, have some fun friend times. I was like, hey, guess what? I got another technician coming in like an hour. I'm stuck. But tomorrow, tomorrow we'll do some fun stuff. Guy comes out an hour later, gives me pricing. I agree, whatever. Yeah, technician will be out tomorrow around like 7 a.m. to start working on your furnace. 7 a.m. tomorrow. You mean all my friends are here? How long will it take? A couple hours? Yeah, about 8 to 10 hours. 10 hours. All my friends here for the surprise birthday party. Okay, so next day we're here. They install the furnace. They install the AC unit. It takes all fucking day. Surprise party turned into like, hey, maple syrup. Smell my fingers. Pay 16 grand for another furnace and AC unit. Happy birthday. All right, we got to go to the airport. See you, Wade. Guys, what about hangout? No, we're leaving. Maple syrup. Hi, man. You know, it's such a shame because what? Shit. What would have happened is they should have all chipped in, got you a new furnace and installed them themselves. Yeah, all they brought me was a cake and some plane tickets to fly to see me. Those cheap bastards. I swear to God, they must have been chucking maple syrup bottles into your, your chimney and it went down into your furnace. That was before they were even in town. Here's the kicker. Do you know what the cake said that they brought me that I looked at? Sorry about the maple syrup. Happy Bert ran out of letters. Close. Mark, you have a guess? No. We have an inside joke from where we went to Disney a year and a half ago. And as. Sports fans. Bird's a fan of the 49ers. I'm a fan of the Bengals. So you're a fan of the worst team. Come on, man. Come on, man. A year and a half ago, the 49ers and Bengals were both in the AFC championship game and the 49ers had zero quarterbacks. Their quarterback like broke both of his arms. Their other quarterback had a concussion. They were to the point where they had a quarterback who could not throw. All he could do was hand the ball off. They lost. The joke phrase of the day became, can this day get any worse? Later that night, the Bengals lost to the Chiefs after one of the Bengals players tackled Patrick Mahomes. Three miles out of bounds. And we said, can this day get any worse? So they brought me a cookie cake that jokingly said, can this day get any worse? And then my furnace and AC unit broke. It got worse. So what smelled like maple syrup? Yeah. What was the maple syrup about? Never solved the mystery of the maple syrup. Did it go away? I didn't. So I've gone out and I've smelled a couple of times. I don't smell it anymore. So my best guesses are it was in fact the AC unit or it was some animal's urine because apparently some animal could have something going on where they're. Urine can have like a maple syrupy smell. Canadians. But the weird thing is the smell seemed like it was higher up on like some bushes. It was like middle up on these bushes. So it wasn't like it had to have been like it was chica chica chica shat on Mark's vision pro that came and pissed on my bushes. She's learning how to defecate higher. Mark, go smell your vision pro. Does it smell like maple syrup? Did you taste the poop? Are you sure it's not maple syrup? No. Yeah. So, um, Bob, as you know, uh, we had a little bit of an issue with our radon mitigation system. I don't know if you heard about that or we had to have that fixed a couple of times. I remember being very sympathetic to that issue if I recall correctly. Yes. Maple syrup, maple syrup. Um, I think I talked about on here how we had someone come look at our AC unit that smelled like maple syrup and then it turned out we needed a new furnace. Two days ago I was upstairs and I was watching TV or watching a show or something and we have a, a gas fireplace and the fireplace turned on and I was like, oh man, of its own accord, Molly must have turned it on. I looked over and the remote's next to me. Here's his asleep on my lap. The puppies are asleep on my lap or next to me and Molly's not even there. And I went, huh? So no one turned it on, but that is a fire. I looked at the remote. The remote said off. I am looking at a fire right now. Well, it was off. So clearly not, I guess. Let me go feel it. Yep. That's warm like fire. All right. Way to he who walks over to his fireplace. Two weeks ago, Molly's like, yeah, the fireplace turned on by itself and I was like, okay, the cat stepped on the remote. Something happened to do this. Like whatever. Fire just doesn't like what's gas just coming in and igniting on his own. That doesn't make any sense. But now that I witnessed that, I'm like, man, my wife's not a liar. That's crazy. Looking into it. Apparently after a while, guess fireplace got like wires or so things could go wrong where fireplaces go bad and have to be fixed or replaced. But I'm starting to think, man, that there's a Wade problem with home ownership. Are you about to be the burned man, the scorched man, everything in the old house, you guys like rarely. They tell me about shit going wrong in your houses, but every now and then every week I'm like, yeah, dude had to replace this, had to replace that. Hey, guess what? Apparently every like 10, 15 years you have to replace a gas fireplace. So, um, guess what I'm calling soon, I guess fireplace company. Come look at our fireplace. Cause I feel like a gas fireplace turning on by itself is, um, bit sketch. No, that's not great. It's good that it did ignite itself or whatever. Yeah. Does it have like a pilot or is it like, like we have gas fireplaces where it's a switch on the wall. You turn it on and it doesn't have a pilot light, but it has a little electric thing that ignites it. But if that doesn't work, you're just letting gas flow into your house. Couldn't tell you. I know how to shut the gas off to it. And I know where the button on the rope that says on is fancy. Well, if there was a pilot light and it just lit, that means there's gas leaking in there. So it's probably not great. So I'd keep the fire on if I were you fireplace, we solve the mystery of our ghost fireplace. Remember I told you like months ago, our fireplace was turning itself on. Wasn't that tied into the whole maple syrup smell? Debacle. It was around the same time we decided, well, okay, we, I decided to, I was like, you know, our fireplace is turning itself on. That's probably safe. Let's wait four months to get someone to look at it. So finally got someone to look at it and somehow didn't explode. It turned out. So under this gas fireplace, there's a little panel you can open up and there's a switch in there. So if your remote dies, you can turn it on and just have it on. You can turn it off or you can turn to where the remote works. Cool. Makes sense. There's also a separate little function where you can turn the gas on or off to it. Sure. Somebody spliced in a second switch for the on off and the second switch had exposed wires about a quarter of an inch apart. And when those wires arc or touch the fireplace just comes on and it turns out whenever apparently it was like getting hot or something under there, it would either arc or the wires would be close enough to where they would just spark and turn the fireplace on. So we removed that and now we don't have ghost fireplace anymore. Do you have any idea why they may have done that? Nope. There's a guy that was looking at it. He was like, oh, I've never seen a fireplace with two on off switches underneath and the emergency on off switch that are connected and therefore only work if the other one still has power. Yeah. That's an interesting choice. I don't know why, but it's gone. And now fireplace safe. Wade, how is your mood doing knowing that you're a full inch shorter than Bob? Blood sugar? Probably okay. Blood pressure? Probably slightly elevated. Do you guys remember a certain noise? I talked about a nice every six minute. Are you talking about the Michigan hum or whatever it was? It's my version. It's called the radon mitigation system and it's back with some kind of ghost ruining your radon system. What's going on? I don't know, but it lasted a full like month and a half and all of a sudden every six minutes. Well, right now it's like every 10 to 12, so it's not quite as severe. I thought you had people come fix that and also paid them a lot of money. I assume. So guess what phone call I'm making as soon as this episode ends. I would love for you to get a Geiger counter. Do you know what a Geiger counter is? I don't know what a Geiger counter is. I'm not a fool. And some people may not know what a Geiger counter is and we're not going to explain it because apparently everyone knows what a Geiger counter is. So if you're listening at home and you don't know what that is, that's a problem for you, idiot. Hey, I've got friends that I had to teach what bipedal meant and they acted like I was some snob for knowing it. They're like, who uses the term bipedal? Who knows what that means? And I was like, I thought everyone, yeah, why wouldn't anyway, we're not going to explain it either for all of you who don't know it. We don't want to come off as a snob. So I'm going to give you a point for snobbery, but have you noticed any side effects? Are you, your eyes are a little red? No. Other than, um, trying to fall asleep and be like, oh, I just, I have to say, I didn't know radon systems could even be so loud. Every house I've lived in in Ohio has had one, never heard it make a noise my entire life. Like once every five or 10 years, you're supposed to replace that fan. It's been a month. Not a great sign. There must be something going on. You got, you got like squirrels in your radon tubes. So I found out, I don't know if I told you guys, the fan is actually not even on the inside. So they've got like the system, the tubes and stuff inside that go like down into like the, I don't know if it's like a, just a hole in the basement or what it is, but it basically all the radon supposed to collect down there. Then the fan will turn, suck it out and shoot it through a tube and get it out of your house. So the fan is. A pipe that's outside, but for some reason, when that fan is going bad, it shakes the whole house and it's not even that big. It's like a container that's like yay big. That's the fan that somehow rattles the whole house. I've got a solution for you. You go to target, you get a box fan, shove that bad boy up against that thing, duct tape it in place, run it at max speed, problem solved. Box fans are good for everything, man, making beef jerky, getting rid of radon, all kinds of stuff. I actually used a box fan back before I didn't know how overclocking worked. And I opened the side of my computer and shoved a box fan inside and then proceeded to promptly fry my graphics card into oblivion. No, you're supposed to use water cooler. Use one of those fans that sprays water. What you want to do is fill the bathtub up and then you just dip it in there. That'll keep it cool. Absolutely. So box fans, very versatile. Ignore what I said about blowing up my graphics card. It'll save your life. Anyway, the toilet, the same toilet that was leaking three other times, it's leaking again. so that's different and i didn't poop my pants but i did i went to go use the bathroom i pulled my pants down and they touched it they touched the toilet water those pants are dead to me do you think there's a plumber conspiracy in cincinnati where they intentionally screw up our plumbing is our water just super hard is it the water company why are there so many water issues in cincinnati well i don't think that breaks toilets i think water water hardness probably clogs faucets and breaks water heaters but the toilet's a mystery you know what i'm gonna be super honest and this is uh this is kind of gross probably as a as a large man who weighs a lot i've had this problem in the past but usually once is enough usually the toilet just needs to be re reseated with a new thingy a new wax or whatever wax ring or whatever and then that's it because i because like if it's not bolted down properly and then i'm i'm very heavy i can make it move a little bit and this isn't even that i told the guy when he was here last time i was like look at this i'm fat this is his toilet's got to hold up man no no no it's some kind of cincinnati plumber conspiracy aliens it's something or you stop shitting so hard five head come on if you didn't blast ass so powerfully if you didn't have such strong shit muscles which i'm assuming are muscles it's a tertiary muscle can i take away points can i take away points you get a tertiary point win thank you i had a very wade like issue you ever just have water come out of a wall oh that one it's interesting when that happens i think we know what happened and i think it's okay which is a weird thing to say about water coming out of a wall but um sometimes toilets just leak all of the toilets in our house apparently are reaching the age where the the fleshy part is wearing out and one of them was like it was like wearing out in a way where it ran and overflowed itself i don't know it's not great everyone judged me when i ripped out all five and replaced them at once but trust me yeah well we're not replacing all of the toilets in the entire house all at once you might as well because it's only gonna cause more problems i'm replacing the flush mechanism in like two of them i tried that once it didn't work you just probably did it bad you probably paid some idiot if at first you don't succeed or rip out your toilets he he he you know the saying they're fine the toilets are fine kids are all right we just need new fleshy dues whatever the hell those things are called i remember when i used to think that naive i was back then all right well i don't know why toilets would fail so soon i feel like soon my toilets are like 10 years old yeah i feel like they should last longer than that because you got you got truck stops in the middle of the desert that have gone through like a cavalcade of a million truckers all eating tacos and burritos and fritos non-stop on their journeys and they're still running that's because the handles are so gross no one ever flushes those that's why they're always so nasty when we walk in that's fair i guess that's fair but i tell you guys about how our our hvac system was leaking water onto the floor of our basement for a while and it turns out it's because there's a it has a humidifier built into it and the the little hose for the humidifier just like got tweaked and was just pissing water out onto the floor that wasn't great i don't think you mentioned that one but no that sucked that happened we took a while to figure that one out that was weird our deck is falling apart our deck is on this house it's not that old the deck is literally cracked like the steps are literally cracking into pieces it's not that old the deck is literally cracked like the steps are literally cracked like the steps are literally cracked like the steps are literally cracked and it's super dangerous and i don't know how to fix it so i'm gonna have to come hire hire someone come build some deck stairs or something i never complained about that no you should i i need i need more people to complain about house issues so i know i'm not alone because like the rest of it seems fine it's just the steps are kind of crumbling which is in my brain all of you guys like never have to change a filter your furnaces always work everything's always great and then like i'm like yeah i want to change a filter and the wall collapse you guys like oh i can't believe that what's so weird because like it's starting to feel like home ownership is only a thing that's a problem for me the water pressure in our house is really bad and we need a new hot water heater and possibly our house is just totally because our our county has really hard water and so there's build up in all the pipes ohio is a hard water thing yeah i could complain wait i just choose not i could choose what i complain about i choose to complain i need more people to do it i don't want to i complain about funny stuff not house stuff your house stuff is funny because you get shit like mud guy and toilets that leak for no apparent reason my house stuff is like house crap it's not funny and it gets fixed after i pay someone to fix it usually fireplace that turns itself on it's always weird things okay i feel like that's the least weird of the things that is weird though i mean that's that's not good you don't want an appliance that could be leaking natural gas into your house to start behaving weirdly that's concerning that's the freaky part yeah it's like for it to turn on it means there is both gas and an ignition happening that i didn't tell it that do well as long as it does both i guess it's better than one or the other but true problems that make themselves known are way better than problems that sneak up on you in the middle of the night bob what were you saying that's how he reacts to my small talk bob i'm so sorry you are me yeah i really am the new the new blitz aren't i you know i was out i was out back the other day and my house for no reason my house smelled like cool ranch doritos and i got and i was like whoa what happened and then i called and i asked a guy and he was like oh your air load we better replace it how's your radon i got tons of radon radon coming out my ears and every time the radon fan turns on to make more radon it's all right on so fucking annoying god's driving me insane every three and a half minutes that happens i got a fireplace that won't turn off it's just a constant fire it won't go away i gotta put water on it i ejected it into a vacuum nothing i'm gonna start documenting with photos and videos everything we go through so you guys don't think i'm just making shit up me too me too this is all real stuff it's happening right now cool ranch doritos that is a reference from like 2014 like a charity stream in like 2012 2014 somewhere in that range right what did cool ranch doritos keep away they kept away the werecats where i was king of the werecats we told a scary story about going out into the cat skills which everyone thought i said cat scales cat skill mountains and somehow i became king of the werecats and my piss covered piss covered piss covered piss covered piss covered piss covered piss that's such a strange that's crazy i've got a poop related story all right that's the episode ah yeah so you guys know i talked to bob about this earlier today how i feel like was it called munchhausen that people that go to the doctor don't really need to they just like going to the doctor i feel like people look at me like i'm that but for plumbers because i have another problem i have another problem i have another problem i have another problem i have another plumber tail so we had a new kitchen faucet installed and whenever the person came to install the kitchen faucet i was like hey can you take a look at our bathroom faucet too i had well our kitchen faucet wasn't working i went to refill the dog bowl in the bathroom faucet and it came out like milky white and that was disconcerting so then i dumped it out cleaned it out and i used like the filtered system that we have and a mixture of that and bottled water and he's like oh yeah let me take a look he's like okay it's mineral build up this and that if you get a new sink or if you get a new faucet i can install it for you but you have to get one you know fits the sink blah blah blah and then he's like well while i'm here let me take a look at some of your other plumbing things too because some of them might have similar issues so we took a look at our sinks and bathrooms and toilets and things ultimately came to the conclusion that two of the toilets upstairs were some of the flaps and stuff were starting to have issues they were older toilets and he's like you could try to fix the inner it's probably better to replace it and it'll be cheaper in the long run if you just get a new toilet in there so we replaced two toilets and two sinks and uh nothing went wrong knock on wood except for a couple days later i went to swivels and then the base with the handle that's not supposed to swivel i went to turn it on and the base also swiveled and i was like well that doesn't seem right i don't think the whole thing's supposed to turn this isn't like a fun little puzzle put together then you get to wash your hands it's supposed to be just you turn on the sink and water comes out and you can aim the top i've also had some issues with the basement has had some clogging problems the basement toilet uh had some clogging issues and then a couple of times the shower has um the shower drain has had things like some mud or something come out of it oh mud yeah it is a lot of mud and drains yeah i was like i don't know why there's mud coming out of our shower i should probably have a look at that well it's not mud not mud stinky mud uh yeah so he went to clean it out he had one of his little like tunnel snakes what the hell they're called uh no that's that's fallout 3 the tunnel snakes no tunnel snakes i think that's correct i think i think either tunnel snake or tunnel fucker yeah he has tunnel fucker and he put it in he put it in my toilet hole and was like well there's no clog here so um we're gonna have to go look at another pipe so we go into like the unfinished part of the basement and he's like opening up pipes and putting his putting a snake in your pipes he's putting a snake in my pipes if only you'd been able to pay him we open the door and um there's like so the water heater has like a drain next to it right there's a pipe that goes to the water here to this drain so if your water heater has issues the water goes somewhere instead of throughout your house well that drain was supposed to have a white cover it was brown and uh there was wetness around it also brown it's like man there's a lot of mud coming into our house that's weird and the guy opened up one of the pipes and for some reason he opened up like three or four different pipes one of them he opened up and immediately the horrible sewer smell that no one wants to have like was like oh god and sat in our basement for like three days it was awful uh but he found this backflow prevention system uh ultimately the backflow prevention system which is like a cylinder with a flap and when you flush or run water the flap opens stuff goes through flap closes if anything ever comes the opposite way like if there's a backup the flap is closed and then clothes so things can't come back up into your house. The problem is If the flap itself is either clogged or blocked, then the stuff can't get out and it stops. And then the things attached to the other side of the backflow comes out that way. He opened it up and immediately when he went to open it up, the lid was cracked in half and was just laying there not usefully. Inside there's like a gap and then like a little twisty lid. That twisty lid had like a rubber band, ceiling band or whatever around it that was oversized and like corroded and not fitting properly. And then laying on top of that lid was the flap. So when he opened it up, there's no flap. So this system exists, it's supposed to stop backflow and it's not working at all because the thing that stops the backflow was taken out and just sitting there. And the pipe goes from four inch diameter, I think, to three inch diameter right before you get to the cylinder. So it kind of constrains the solids, as he called it. And then it got into the cylinder. Things, I guess, started like coalescing, gathering there, having a nice little shit party and causing some of the backup issues. And this had happened before we even moved in. When we first moved in the house, we had some construction. My office was built. I noticed that the shower had mud in it then, too. And I was like, these guys are fucking like building our, my office, then taking a shower and leaving their fucking muddy boots all over our shower. What the fuck? It's really weird because when the shit came out through the shower, it looked the exact same as the mud that his workers had left. That's crazy to me. Oh, weird. So now that I know that shit is getting caught and backflowing into our house. I'm have they want they want me to remove this backflow thing, which means cutting in the concrete, removing the backflow prevention system, putting in a normal pipe, repaving the pavement. And then they want to put a more powerful toilet in the basement called a power flush. It's got a motor on it. Yeah, it's like an airplane toilet, but it has a stronger like flow so it can push stuff so it won't get caught in the pipes. And we'll what kind of stuff? What stuff? Mud talking about mud. That guy you dealt with before who was always like, I just need more mud. Was he talking about something? I didn't understand the way that that guy handled our house. I would not be surprised if he went like a burrito, came over and was like, man, got more mud, took a minute. But I made you some more mud for your wall. But yeah, so anyway, more plumbing. So we got we got our sink tightened and now we got to get concrete cut out to remove this backflow thing to put in the pipe. So, yeah, that's nice. That's my story. I was saving. So you just been holding it in this whole time since you moved in? I haven't gotten to poop in six months. I keep my money. I keep my money inside. Just give me a minute. The mud will settle. I never know what I'm going to need. This much mud guys who work on drywall must just that's just must be agony. You got a big project next week. No, I can't. When's my next job? Oh, God, I need the business. When I first noticed the issue was right after you guys visited and Mark had used the basement bathroom. So I was like, what did he do? What did I mean? What did I do? Shortly after that's whenever the stain appeared in the shower and I was like, don't blame this on me. Mark came to my house and took a muddy shower in my shower. He's like, I've been filming a movie for two years, haven't showered. So wait, I took the first opportunity I had. I got to admit, though, your problems might be caused because I remember when we were watching something television, your walls were shaking so much. You don't think that maybe, maybe the vibrations are knocking things loose in your house like your radon, the subwoofer that rattles the internet. It's the entire house. Well, I mean, we we found out it was just a light fixture making the rattle noise, right? I thought it was something on the shelving and abuse. It was a light fixture. But no, that the the the the boomy Basie is boomy. Basie is Basie. All right. Yeah, like Molly had a full foot massage in her office when I was watching like Jack Reacher because like the gun scenes were just like and she would text me. She was like, the hell are you watching down there? My whole office is shaken. You went to that big Basie porn. I'd be kind of crazy. He has a big base. Boy, they just had the. Vine boom to every impact. Lots of really Basie thuds going on. It's like a wrestling match, but porn. WWE, the porno. W.W.P. Wouldn't it be WWE XXX? I guess they have the WWE Raw. Oh, that's it, right? Why did we didn't need to come up with anything else? I prefer WWE protection. WWE safety. Well, listen, you guys want to talk. Talk about relatable issues that keep reoccurring. You ever just spend thousands and thousands and thousands on plumbing and then you leave for a week, you come back and I don't know, the three fucking bears must have visited your house while you were gone and all used your power flush and somehow broken the goddamn basement plumbing again to where the little drain near your water heater has poo coming out of it. You mean the exact issue that you just had them cut open cement in your basement floor and replace of all your toilets in the entire house and all that? That issue that they fixed by doing that? Yeah, yeah. Now the shower and the water heater drain both are like, well, if you flush, of course, I'll have it back to you. I'm going to recycle. It must be the system they set up. Everything we do. I am like, please just do it right. And tell me how expensive it is to do it right. Whatever it takes to do it right. Don't want an issue. I don't want the cheap fix. I don't want the temp fix. I want the you know what? We should have done this from the start. Let's fix it. You'll never have to worry again. It's a fucking pipe that goes to a sewer. How hard can it be to get it right? Apparently, they installed it backwards. Can you install a pipe backwards? I thought the flow could go either way. Apparently not. It's like a goddamn minnow bucket that one side's the catch. And then it's all there sloshing around until it's overfilled. And the minnows are swimming back up. Starting a business can seem like a daunting task unless you have a partner like Shopify. They have the tools you need to start and grow your business. From designing a website to marketing to selling and beyond, Shopify can help with everything you need. There's a reason millions of companies like Mattel, Heinz, and Allbirds continue to trust and use them. With Shopify on your side, turn your big business idea into. Sign up for your $1 per month trial at shopify.com/specialoffer. It's like a video game. The guy was standing over the pipe and there's a big arrow that's like. And he was all, "Ooh, which way does this need to go?" I'm tired of poop. My car is still at a random port. Don't know which one, by the way. And my house is full of shit. Speaking of air conditioner, ours is working, but I'm concerned because every week it feels like in order to maintain a temp, I have to lower it more than I want to, to maintain like two degrees higher. That's not a good sign. So originally our AC was set to like 73. We were pretty comfortable. Now it's 72. It's down to like 70 degrees and I'm still like, "Man, it's a little warm in here." That is a very bad sign. That's happened to me before, right before our AC stopped working in the middle of the summer. Yeah. It's also not hot. Like it's warm enough that like, yeah, you want the AC on when it gets hot because it gets up into the 70s, close to 80. But it's not hot. When it gets actually hot and humid, you're going to have to set that bitch on 60 degrees to keep it at a non-suffering temperature. I'm not going to do that. that replaced i thought you just had your whole hvac thing last year how long do those last nine months apparently my birthday was the anniversary of my one year anniversary to having it installed because my birthday is whatever i had to be fucking fixed well they only they are only supposed to last one year so really are you shouldn't complain oh babe it's our hvac aversary I just I go with the companies that have the best ratings the best reviews the best track record of I had this fixed 30 years ago and it's still good to this day. This company's great and everyone says that and then I get something and they're like Is this a screwdriver? No, it looks like a wrench. Okay, and somehow that's what they apparently do They send the monkeys with tools that are like That's what they apparently do. I'm going to have to set it at a low temperature. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. Mark changes. Mark changes. Mark changes. Mark has lenses. Mark has lenses. There's drama with lenses. Mark has a server farm. There's drama with the server farm. Mark makes a movie. There's drama with the movie. He keeps it fresh. He keeps it fresh. And I appreciate that about you. Your fake made up life stories are, you know, they stay interesting, you know? Got to keep it interesting for the podcast. We're basically just AI. This is definitely a simulation. Show it on camera. Come on, come on, show us. Come on, show it on camera. Wow. Man. Oh, God, you live with that? This was white and clean whenever we left to go to Minnesota. You're not supposed to take a poop on the grate and then try and stomp it through with your feet. That's not a good. You should see what the shower looked like at one point. I regret tempting this. I still think he's making it up. I'm deleting that for my own history because I don't want to see it again. This was the maple syrup, I believe, year where I had to replace the furnace and AC unit because of the weird maple syrup smell outside, which I think actually in two days I'm due to change the furnace filter. Yay, another adulting fun. That takes like five seconds. I just don't want to do it. Did I tell you about the water filter snafu? No. So we have filtered water and you have to change out. The filter is like a bottle that just like screws in and you're supposed to change it every six months. So I went to change it a month ago. Right before we had visitors. I mean, like the day before we had visitors and Molly had just like cleaned up the kitchen. We'd cleaned the house. Everything was like sparkly, shiny. I was like, you know what? I'm going to go ahead and change out this water filter too. Even have fresh water for everyone when they get here. This is gonna be great. And I read the instructions are like easy to change filter. Don't even need to shut the water off. Just unscrew, pop the new one in, screw it in. You're done. And I was like, how do you filter the water if it doesn't go into the water? Why would you not have to shut the water off? But all right, if they say so, I start to unscrew the old one. Water everywhere. Is this the one in your fridge? No, no, it's under the sink. Like we have the kitchen faucet has like another little filtered water faucet. No, you probably should have turned the water off. Yeah. Yeah, I really thought I should have. And you know, under the sink, there's all those little levers that turn off water to different things. Yeah, there's probably like a separate shut off just for that one thing, I bet. Well, I panicked and I was like, I don't know which one of these it is. Let me run down and shut off the main water valve. So I ran. I ran down, shut the main water valve, ran back up. And guess what? There's still water in the pipes after you do that. Pouring out all over the wood floor. It's all a disaster. Molly's grabbing towels. It's a mess. You know, if you had just screwed that back in, it might have. I tried. And even once, I don't know, once that seal was wet, it was like, oh, I'm not going back in, bitches. But eventually I turned off. Man, once you start flipping those things under the sink, they work a lot quicker than the water main shut off. Oh. Yeah, I know. Those are that's like, it's what they're for. But that cabinet never been cleaner before. The good old, I had to have one good water scare this year. I think we replaced toilets this year. That might've been last year, but we replaced some toilets again. All the fun house stuff, man. All the fun house stuff. I don't know if those count as regrets, but there's certainly like dings on the fun that this year had. I mean, it sounds like you regret not turning the water off. That's for sure. I regret not flipping that little handle right away, too. It's really easy. Once the water's off, those filters could not be, it's easier to change out. Yeah. It's like putting a cap on a water bottle. It was so simple with that. When there's water not pouring out, it's crazy how easy it is to screw that in. But yeah, I do have a topic for today. It's an oldie, but a goodie. But before we get into that, a small talk. Every six minutes. Yeah, yeah. That was your small talk last time. Yeah, I called. It's going to take them two weeks to help us. Do you know why there's a problem? Do you know what I did wrong? You hired a crappy company. Yeah. It's the company. I don't know if there is another one. When I called, I was like, why do they sound like I did something? They're like, oh, you. I was like, yeah, you guys helped me like a month or two ago. I had a, oh, I see. Yeah. Well, the noise is back. Yeah, it's back. You? Yeah. It seemed like it was likely to happen, sir. We had a batch of defective fans sent in. Why didn't you call? Why do you sound so disappointed to hear from me? You did this. They're like, oh, yeah. We can come help you. Let's see. How often is the noise? About every six minutes. All right. That's pretty frequent. We'll see you in 13 days or 11 days or whatever it was. Please. No, I can't do this again. That's right. Sorry, sir. And we're coming in the morning. Please. No. Click. There's a concept in the charity fundraising world called donor fatigue. And I feel like this applies to you in a very direct and specific way. You don't deserve to get sympathy for every single. Thing that happens to you, Wade. And this is a very reasonable thing that you should get sympathy for. But I'm so emotionally burnt out on you begging for sympathy for everything that happens that you think is a wrong and a slight against. I have none left to give. I'm an empty cup, sir. You dealt with two broken toilets. I've had five. I've had three ceilings, two floors, another ceiling, three times a garage door. I'm twice in two months. This is. That's over the course of years. You're fatigued. Try being me. You don't think I've had a bunch of shit break over the course of the last seven years of my life in the places I've lived. If you think I snapped from a losing streak, wait till you see what happens whenever you guys think, oh, I'm done with hearing Wade deal with his problems enough. Try being me. You have. You better hope Mark wins this episode because the depths I will take us have no bounds. I didn't even say anything. I will send someone to break your houses for the episode. Watch new episodes on Spotify.