Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not To Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Before we start, I keep recording this and having to re-record it because this is episode 150 and my mind is slightly blown that we are here. The podcast is nearly three years old. I mean, that is just mind-blowing. We still reach over 80 countries. We're charting in goodness knows how many. We oscillate with it between the top 10 and the top 20 within the UK. Oh my goodness me, we're nearly at half a million downloads with an aim of going to one million. million by the end of 2024. I just can't believe it. So, I just want to say thank you. Thank you to all of you who listen. Thanks to all of you who rate and review. Thank you to all of you who follow, who share with friendships and let them know about us. I am so unbelievably grateful. So, enough of the gushy gushy stuff. Let's start. This is episode 150 and today's episode, Vulnerability and Parenting. I want to talk about why being vulnerable as a parent can actually make us better at it. So, what do we mean by vulnerability? Well, the dictionary says it's the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed either physically or emotionally. Now, in the context of parenting, I guess this really means being willing to sort of share and be vulnerable from that perspective of being attacked or harmed probably much more emotionally. And if we think about the incredible Brene Brown and her viral TED talk about vulnerability, this quote from her is a really great way of putting it. So, when we feel shame, we have a terrifying fear of rejection. When we feel worthy, we trust in the opposite of rejection. We have a sense of acceptance and belonging. Vulnerability is the state we exist in when we can hold both onto fear of rejection and fear of rejection. So, when we feel worthy, we trust in the and a sense of self-worth. So, why would I encourage you to be vulnerable? What are the benefits to it? Well, these for me are the five core benefits about holding that space between that sense of fear of being psychologically harmed and emotionally harmed, as well as holding that self-worth and that sense of belief and self-worth. And why being vulnerable as parents may well be really crucial. Now, before I go through the sort of, five ways that I believe it's really important to why we might be vulnerable, I do want to share a sort of talk about a couple of things before we move into these. And one is about being vulnerable parenting wise. So, the five that I'm going to talk about very specifically are within that sense of family. But I do believe it's also really important to be vulnerable in a wider context, in terms of with friends, in terms of within our community. However, I always have a slight word of warning, I guess, with vulnerability. And I know, Renee Brown talks about this as well, is that be mindful who you're vulnerable with. Now, this is not about being deceptive. I don't believe in deception. And I genuinely believe it takes a village to raise a resilient adult. And when we do all of this faking, all of this outside, everything's okay, because we're so worried that we're going to be judged. I don't think that's actually helpful for us. But I think it's super not helpful to raising resilient adults, because our children need to see that we are vulnerable. And we need, to share that vulnerability within our community and our village, so that we can then actually raise resilient adults. But we need to be mindful at the stages with which we do that. Some people within our village, within our community, are actively going to be supportive in our vulnerability. Others are not. And that doesn't mean that they are bad people. Doesn't mean that they're judgy people. Doesn't mean that they're all finger pointing and superior and self-righteous. They have their own challenges around their own vulnerability, about their own self-worth, about their own belief system. And so it's really important that we accept that we're not all ready and not all at that same stage. And so when we want to be vulnerable and bring that village in and bring that wider village and that community in terms of raising our children, we have to know what is best to share with which people at what time, whilst fully being compassionate and accepting that they're also on their own journey. That's a complex issue. And I think that's a context that's really important to bear in mind. So that's in terms of the wider village. In terms of also within our family and when we are co-parenting, whether we're co-parenting in the same household or whether we're co-parenting separately in different households, is also remembering that whilst we might be ready to be open with that true sense of that vulnerability, who we are co-parenting with may not be ready yet. So it's not about forcing them, along their vulnerability journey, but having constructive, compassionate, two-way conversations where we are actively listening and seeking to understand where they are on their journey of vulnerability and not just in barking and sort of communicating constantly that we're ready in that vulnerability. One of the things that I think is so hugely lacking at the moment around vulnerability is that we're not ready to be open with that true sense of vulnerability. The other thing that I think is so hugely lacking around the parenting space and the taking a village space and the community space is that we can sometimes be so sat and so anchored and so in our stage of where we are at with our parenting is that we don't always really, truly seek to understand the lens with which another parent is at in their stage and in their particular parenting within our tribe, within our village, within our community. And it's not about I'm right, you're wrong. It's just simply about that acceptance. Because what we're trying to do is raise our children to be accepting, to respect others, to be compassionate and to listen. And we need to be modeling that. So that's a really important context, particularly around vulnerability, because vulnerability lays us open to criticism, leads us open to commentary and shame and finger pointing. And I think that's a really important and judgment. And so we need to be compassionate about where other people may well be in that particular process as well. So let me, with that in mind, let's look at why I believe it's really important that we are vulnerable and starting within our own family first and then broadening that out. And the first one is that vulnerability really encourages and creates a sense of belonging. Emotional connection. The one thing I know for sure, and that you will know too, is that when we are open and vulnerable about what might be happening and how we might be feeling, it helps us connect with our children in ways that we wouldn't otherwise be able to connect if we weren't vulnerable. And what happens with that when we also have that connection is what that then does is it motivates. And allows them to feel willing to cooperate because we've created, we've actively sought out that emotional connection by laying ourselves open and vulnerable in terms of what might be going on for us too. Now, this isn't about oversharing. Vulnerability isn't about laying our burden and our worries and our woes and our challenges to our children, but it makes us open to that. And that's why it's a really crucial one. And creating that emotional connection is crucial if we're then going to really help our children to step into the best version of themselves, because if we're vulnerable, they understand that we also understand where they may be coming from. So the first one is that vulnerability encourages and creates emotional connection. The second aspect is that we are vulnerable. The third aspect is that vulnerability creates harmony and peace. Because we're being vulnerable, because we're being our true selves, because we're laying ourselves open, there is calm, peace and harmony in homes where we as parents are able to share and allow conversations and dialogues and expressions of emotion without making that judgment. It's such a crucial aspect because as we kind of nurture our children, we're able to share and allow conversations and dialogues into those teen years where they move away from us being that really important pivotal model in terms of the way that they think and how they approach things to their peers mattering more and more each time. If we've created harmony and peace, if we've created a natural dialogue and expression of emotions and a safe space, what that does is they move into those years where others matter more and more. And that's why we're being more than we do, is that we've cultivated a culture our family and within our home, where vulnerability and conversations around emotions and feelings and being able to express ourselves is one where it happens naturally. And those conversations continue well into those teen years and those young adult years. So vulnerability really creates this harmony and peace. So it encourages emotional connection. It creates harmony and peace within our household. The third thing that vulnerability does is it cultivates a growth mindset. It cultivates this notion of the brain is just another muscle in the same way as all the other muscles in our body are. And the more we flex it, the more we practice, the stronger it becomes. And by cultivating that growth mindset, we cultivate this culture, this vulnerability culture, where making mistakes is normalized. It's seen as a way of learning. It takes away the power of this fear of failure because we open up within that culture of vulnerability, of natural creativity, because we model this notion of being mentors, of being models. And because we create this sense of vulnerability, this sense of being creative, we motivate and inspire our teens and our young children to do the same. And that growth mindset is such a crucial part of our lives. And I think that's a really important part of our lives. It's such a crucial aspect as our children get older. When our children are really young, they're much more willing to try things and make mistakes and to fall over. It's how our children learn to walk. You know, they fall on their bottoms, they get up, they fall on their faces. All of these things happen, but they persevere. They pick themselves up. They have that growth mindset. We never question that they're going to be upright on their feet and walking around. And yet what happens as they get older, they're much less willing to engage, in those making mistakes. They're much less willing to be vulnerable for fear of consequences of failure and what that might do in terms of how their peers may perceive them, how you may perceive them as their family, for judgment or ridicule, all of those things. And so where we cultivate vulnerability in the way that we parent, we ensure that we continue to cultivate that growth mindset with our children. And they see failure instead of it being something that is shameful. They see it as part of that process of learning. So vulnerability encourages and creates emotional connection. It creates harmony and peace. It cultivates a growth mindset. And the fourth thing that it does is it humanizes us. It humanizes us as parents that we are, obviously that our children understand that we're human beings as well, but it humanizes us that we equally, that we are living beings that make mistakes, that we learn from our mistakes, that we don't always have all of the answers, which we'll look at in a moment. But it humanizes us as people with emotions, people with challenges, people with struggles, people with our own limiting beliefs and things which get in the ways, our own fears and worries and anxieties. And that's a really crucial part in terms of cultivating empathy and being, and our children and our teens being able to understand that we too can step into the challenges, that they may experience, that we too at some point experience that same angst and worry and challenges around connection that they may well be struggling with, which I think is a really crucial part as our children become older. Because so often the challenges that we have with our children are that they don't ever, they can't ever imagine that we were ever in their shoes, that we ever had the same challenges around friendships, around how we viewed ourselves. And of course, we're never ever going to fully be able to step into their shoes. Because we grew up in a very different world. We navigated a very different childhood to our children. And our children, should they choose to become parents, will not be able to completely fully empathize with their children because they won't have the same sorts of challenges. But I think that vulnerability really humanizes us as individuals who have also traveled the road that our children are traveling, even if the landmarks may not be exact. Exactly the same. So our vulnerability also humanizes us. And then the fifth one is that vulnerability, when we really sort of take that on and use that and fully embody it, it sets us free from having all the answers. Yeah, we know we don't know it all. We know that we don't have all of the answers. And that by being vulnerable, it sets us free from having all the answers. It sets us free from this notion of always having that. Because we can be truly vulnerable and truly honest with our children. That we don't hold all of the answers. That sometimes we are making educated guesses. And that we may make a decision today that we may then unravel tomorrow. Because we, on reflection, we've decided that that wasn't the best course of action for our family, for your children. And that's such a crucial bit of that vulnerability. Because I think so often as parents, we think we have to know all of the answers. Or if we don't know the answers, which we obviously don't, that we have to portray that for our children. We have to look like we're prepared. We have to look like we know what we're doing. But actually, that isn't helpful for anybody. Being really honest and being really vulnerable, that we're working through this. And particularly, you know, I think as parents, you know, you might be parenting a 15-year-old, you might be parenting a 10-year-old, you might be parenting an eight-year-old. You may well be only parenting one child, you may be parenting multiple children. But each age that your children go through, you've never parented that age before with your eldest child. Yeah? With your second child, you may well have parented that before. But you've never parented that age before with the characteristics and the personality that that child has. So we're never going to know the answers. We're never going to be in that position of just being like, I've seen it, and I've done it, and I know what I'm doing. Because each child brings with them, their own unique character, their own unique motivations, their own unique challenges. So we're never going to know all of the answers. And being open and honest with our children, this is the first rodeo, this is the first time that we're doing this, and that we may make mistakes, is a really crucial aspect. Because it builds that, it goes back to that building that, you know, that emotional connection, goes back to that creating harmony and peace. It goes back to cultivating that growth mindset. It goes back to humanizing us, is that we don't have all of those answers, and we are always actively seeking to learn. We will may be making mistakes. And by modeling that to our children, by communicating that to our children, we open up their minds. We open up their thinking to the fact that they don't have to know all of the answers. They just simply need to come to go with an educated best estimate, best guess. And then, learn from what happens from that outcome. And that, I think that's where the power of vulnerability is at its most amplified. So let me just recap those five. So it's by being vulnerable, we encourage and create emotional connection. By being vulnerable, we create harmony and peace. By being vulnerable, we cultivate a growth mindset. We humanize ourselves and we set ourselves free from having all of the answers. So my gift this week is going to be these five top reasons why in a template so that you can just refer back to them each time. All you need to do is head over to my free resource library, drmaryhand.com forward slash library, where you'll find the link to download the resource. All you need to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access, not only to this week's resource, but all the free resources I'll get across all my podcast episodes. As ever, if you have enjoyed this episode, episode 150, then I would be so grateful and so thankful if you could follow, rate and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time.
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