Victoria Coren Mitchell

'Supposing you had the chance to get rid of some of your worst nightmares? What would they be?' 'My guest is here to persuade me to banish the items on her list to replace, but I'll never be seen again.' 'This is Room 101!' Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome journalist broadcaster, champion poker player and host that only connects Victoria Cohen Mitchell! Well, the audience won your side before we even start. Let me ask you, first of all, would you describe yourself as someone who's easily irritated? 'I'm constantly irritated, I've never done anything else. The thing about sending in a list of things you find irritated.' 'Yes.' 'For a show like this is the second you've pressed send, a thousand other things come into your mind. I've been furious all day.' 'Okay, your first choice is illustrated by this sound effect.' 'So what does that represent?' 'That represents shops that don't take cash.' 'So tell me about shops that don't take cash?' 'I'm not a fan of the cashless society in general. I'm psychologically at all times sitting on the porch with the kind of keg of whiskey and oil buried underneath it holding a gun on that tight.' 'Yes. I can tell that by looking at you.' 'It's like there's something cool and trendy about it. We don't take cash. We're completely papalous.' 'Yes.' 'If they had a sign saying, 'Well, we've opted into traceable global capitalism.' 'And do you want fries with that?' 'But I'd respect them for that.' 'Yes.' 'But it's the city for cash, cash you old woman. As if that's what the cool people are doing, you're just tapping. Why should the government know if I'm buying a sex toy?' 'A coffee? You know, not necessarily in that order.' 'No.' 'Why is that any business of Jeremy Hunt?' 'Yes.' 'Suppressing a remark in my head.' 'A recent survey in the Sun suggested that 80% of shops in London were refusing to take cash. It can't be as high as 80%. 'It feels like it is. I don't know if it's cheating to extend this to parking.' 'Listen, that is the sigh of someone who is just trying to have an affair.' 'You have to put your number plate or hours over there and then it's going to be written on your bank statement.' 'Yes, so you're going to park into another area that's affected by cashless payments and some parts of London it is now impossible to park about a smartphone or indeed without a car.' 'But it genuinely is dangerous to say. Let's set the stage for everything I do to be recorded. And something like cash is a ticket to freedom.' 'Yes.' 'It's better than a passport. You can take it and run. I haven't committed a lot of crimes.' 'No. Any that you wish to share with us?' 'I think no. Everybody has the right to do something really stupid without anyone knowing.' 'Yes.' 'And the idea that it needs to be changed.' 'That's what BBC 3 is for.' 'That's an incredibly clever joke.' 'Yeah, thank you so much.' 'Is there an argument though that because there's so much information being gathered on L everybody that there's too much information for it to be relevant to them to decide what you're doing.' 'Because there's millions upon millions of transactions every day.' 'That's true. And I would think you were right if it wasn't for the fact that when you and I get home we're both going to get lots of emails advertising easy ways to get BBC 3 on your phone.' 'Pig pockets have now got a sneaky contactless way to sort of the, there's contactless card readers. So these thieves sidel up to you and tap the machine against your trousers.' 'Oh, wherever you keep your, you know, and they take a payment off of you without you realising it.' 'Hence the phrase, is that an illicit payment at £12.50 or are you just pleased to see me?' 'But the banks have now brought a special card which you put in your wallet which blocks the signal. So there's a kind of financial war going on within your pockets.' 'Well, there's always a financial war going on within my pockets.' 'But don't you find the very concept of a pick pocket suddenly seems romantic and old-fashioned?' 'Yes. Could you describe the pick pocket man?' 'Yes, he had dark flashing eyes and a winsome smile. There's a misunderstanding that a shop can't refuse cash because it's legal tender.' 'But apparently that's wrong. According to the Bank of England, legal tender means that if you are in debt to someone and you offer cash to settle the debt they can't refuse it.' 'But apparently if you're in it, this is an urban myth or not. If you're in a sandwich shop and they don't take cash, take a bite out of the sandwich.' 'Have you heard this one?' 'Yeah, I wouldn't advise doing that in prayer. I've tried their sandwiches.' 'Yeah, in general.' 'I've been in edible sandwiches and I've also available.' 'But in theory, right, I think if you're still a sandwich, you're in debt.' 'Yes.' 'And they only have invited you to do that with their cashless ways.' 'Yes, I don't know how it works on a closed shop. You could quickly wear out a pair of trousers.' 'So, do you know which country would you think has made a criminal offence to refuse cash?' 'America?' 'No, no, no, much closer to home. A country known for its fierce independence of spirit.' 'Is it Scotland?' 'No, France.' 'Oh.' 'France, it is illegal in France. You can actually be fine for refusing cash.' 'Yeah.' 'I mean, a round of applause for the French.' 'Yes.' 'I'm a radio foreshow. I never thought I'd see the day.' 'Can I put this into room one, I'm well.' 'Yes, I can, in it goes.' Excellent. So, Victoria, tell us about your next choice. 'It's people who are early.' 'Which you consider to be very rude and inconsiderate.' 'You may be on thinner ice here with the. ' 'But tell us, but what is it about people who are early?' 'Why don't you like that?' 'Because everyone complains about people being late.' 'Yes.' 'And the ones who are early get away with it.' 'I find it. ' 'It's so passive-aggressive.' 'Yes.' 'Oh, not ready, is it?' 'They say, arriving at the door, 20 minutes early.' 'When you're naturally sort of in a 90, picking the chicken up off the floor and cleaning it with a tea towel.' 'The sense of sort of competence.' 'I don't like someone who's together enough to be early.' 'Yes.' 'It's not good to be very late.' 'The correct thing to be is about seven or eight minutes later at all times.' 'Yes.' 'I once had a chap that I was seeing arrive for a date 24 hours early.' 'So that's a calendar mishap, isn't it?' 'No. Now I think back it's how so glamorous it can't have been me.' 'It was a diplomat.' 'Yes.' 'And he lived in Washington and he was flying over to see me.' 'And the day before it was come, I had it all planned.' 'But I was going to get my hair done.' 'I was good to have every hair completely removed, head to foot like one of those weird bald dogs.' 'Hairless spray tan.' 'Well, when we were doing you, you had a heavy hair removed.' 'Yes, we had.' 'You have to die.' 'Oh, you're furniture your hands here because it's raviour.' 'Oh, everywhere.' 'Everywhere.' 'You can't glue parts of shops here.' 'I mean.' 'You can't imagine where I am anyway.' 'Well, I am, imagine.' 'But I'll try not to.' 'But you have a spray tan.' 'Yeah, yeah.' 'It's all going to be done 24 hours early.' 'Right.' 'When I'm there in my flat smoking, just pens in my hair.' 'You know, sort of eating something like a doorbell rang.' 'And he shouted through the income surprise.' 'It's an early and a surprise.' 'Yes.' 'A combination which is genuinely worse than nuclear weapons.' 'Yes.' 'And if for some reason he thought that was nice to be, I had to just send him back to America.' 'I mean, I would have thought one of the chief sort of qualities of a diplomat was tacked.' 'You would think that.' 'He didn't understand it because people who were early, I'm afraid and I'm sorry if that includes anyone in the audience.' 'There's a smogness to it. Look, I'm early.' 'Mm, mm, mm, you weren't ready, were you? They're satisfied with it.' 'There's something judgmental about being early.' 'So you're saying that sort of being late is preferable, around a seven or eight minutes late.' 'Is there an acceptable time on for early, like five minutes early?' 'No.' 'No.' 'No.' 'I think on time is quite rude.' 'You could give the other person a chance to be a bit scatty to have messed up.' 'Yes.' 'But they wait, they look like spiders in a corner.' 'No, this is something that I, when I was growing up, I didn't think I ever heard this phrase.' 'Cause I mean, you know, we never, nobody ever came around our house, apart from the people who lived there. But this phrase, eight for eight thirty.' 'Yes.' 'No, what exactly?' 'So, okay, you invite me to your house, not that you ever have.' 'I mean, you could install a waiting room, but I think that's not a curty.' 'So, if you said to me, come to our house, eight for eight thirty.' 'Well, what exactly does that, does it mean eight? Does it mean eight thirty? Does it mean eight fifteen?' 'Ate thirty seven is what it means.' 'Ate thirty seven.' 'No, to me it would.' 'Yeah.' 'To most people when they say eight for eight thirty.' 'Yeah.' 'And if you come after eight thirty then it will be burned.' 'If you come before eight o'clock I'll be naked.' 'So. ' 'Well, but you're not expecting to barbeque then.' It means sort of 25 past eight, but if they're saying 830, it means you've been to the house before and they don't trust you. Right. At some point you've been early or late and they haven't liked it, so they've had to give parameters. I find when we moved house, we put in a doorbell that you can switch off. There's a button in the cupboard and you click it off and if people that arrive early and they press and press, and then the time comes you've actually invited them for and they press and press and seven minutes after the time I've invited them for, I switch on the doorbell. Have you always been like this? Do you know I'm really worried that I haven't? I've become like this. I don't know if I can put this in, you know. Please do come to our house with way forward. Yeah, I will. Yeah, and I'll get there early as well just to be annoying. No, no, no, no, no. You've convinced me with your passion, so it goes to room 101. Okay, so your next choice, Victor, is an aspect of modern life which is beginning to affect everyone. It's WhatsApp. So, invented because it was thought it was more communication would make the world better. Does it? Who thought? I'm just not getting enough messages. A few years ago when you could just go on holiday and you come back to a couple of things on the answering machine. Now, in as emails, texts and people thought I tell you what I need, another way for people to get in touch and this time in huge clods of people. Yes. Everyone on the street is on the WhatsApp. All the parents at the school are on the WhatsApp. I had to join WhatsApp because the other parents at my daughter's school are on it. But I don't completely understand the etiquette of it. It's essential and quite old, like Sarah and the Bible. Just I've barely got a phone, but I think there's something they all understand about WhatsApp. I don't. So, for example, somebody will put on there. We are thinking of going on roller skating on Saturday. And 35 parents, if you're really roller skating in this but this is the roller skating roller skating all day and you're bleeps and thing and you're looking and what if it's all day. And then I will put something about the school. Like, isn't it one notice that next term sports day is the first day of term? Is that odd and nobody replies? Is this silent? And it's like they can't look up it. Oh, doesn't she realise what? What? Anything that seems to be a useful question and we could all discuss it. Nobody discusses. But as soon as it's something like, oh, I thought your costume was good for World Book Day. 84 P.I. also thought your costume was good for World Book, ding, ding, ding, ding, all day. Does somebody say I thought your costume spoke volumes? This is what WhatsApp says on its own website about the benefits of WhatsApp. With private messaging and calling, you can be yourself. Speak freely and feel close to the most important people in your life no matter where they are. Essentially, it's trying to replicate talking to somebody in real life who's next to you. Well, there's fun enough. There's a WhatsApp group for our neighbourhood where we live. Yeah. Somebody put on the WhatsApp group. I saw a cat run out from under the Mitchell's hedge. I thought it was going to get run over. Is it their cat? I thought, okay, you've got my number. Tell you what you could do. You could bring me up and say, I saw a cat on your hedge. Is it your cat? I mean, or don't. Or just get on with your life. Yeah, yeah. Why? That we have to be asked in the third person with me as a witness. Yes. 100 people in the area. And I have to sort of sideline and go, I think it's not their cat. I think they haven't got a cat. And you can see how people that've used a lot of WhatsApp because they send messages one sentence at a time. You know, like a stream of consciousness. Do you want to have dinner send? We could go first. They send what about eight o'clock? And you have beat, beat, beat, beat, like those heart monitors and are so proper. You know, it sounds like an emergency. You know, I better look. And it's always 18 messages. Yes. And everybody replies. Unless it's a question for me, probably be sensible question about the school policy you think they're going to discuss. And nobody replies. (Laughter and applause) I'm still not about to hear me just saying that it allows people to speak freely and be themselves. And here is Boris Johnson, one of his WhatsApp that says, "Matt Hancock is f***ing useless." (Laughter and applause) I can't think of anything other than taking him off and putting gov on. To which Dominic Cummins replied, "The whole cabinet is so totally shit. I'm afraid this would make it worse, not better." So he wouldn't have that exchange if it wasn't for WhatsApp. No, I think he might be winning me over there. (Laughter) A journalist recently wrote in the Guardian. She said, "If I were a woman of courage, I would simply exit these chats as soon as I added to them. But I feel the weight of social obligation inside remain. I'm not the only person to feel this way. Last month WhatsApp bowed to public pressure and announced that users will be able to exit groups invisibly without notifying other members of their decision." So leaving a WhatsApp group is like escaping from a cult. (Laughter) I don't entirely understand the difference between WhatsApp and podcasts. Yes. But a podcast is another thing. I don't think I know anybody that doesn't have a podcast. It seems to be just another way of wittering on. It's just, I've got more to say, more to say, more to type, more to put it up there. And it's weird, they're just the beauty of silence. Yes. Well, I should actually say that this is a radio program, but it does turn into a podcast apparently. (Laughter) I don't know how it happens. I think there's a magic ceremony in the woods at midnight. You're a better man than I am if you even understand what that means. I'm going to put this into room one away. You know, when I first started doing this program, which was around the turn of the last century, you know, nobody ever talked about social media. They didn't talk about the internet. They didn't talk about WhatsApp groups because most of it didn't exist. But it seems to be that virtually everybody I'm talking to now about Room 101, one of these subjects will come up. It seems to be an absolute blight on humanity. So I can't see how I can possibly keep it out of Room 101. Ingo WhatsApp groups. (Applause) Definitely. Now, it's why your next choice is a rather unusual one. It's actors who are also pilots. Yes. It's incredibly annoying. And there are many of them. Yes, I mean, there's a particular three. Who are the three that you were thinking? Well, so there's obviously John Travolta and Tom Chris. Yes. And then also Harrison Ford. Yes. Now, Harrison Ford is not so big on putting on the uniform and the hat and everything. Yeah. But he's a much worse pilot. Harrison Ford is wriggling the planes anyway. Well, no, you're right. You're right about that. Harrison Ford recently crashed landed on to a golf course, which is probably the most single exciting thing that ever happened on a golf course. He escaped with minor injuries. This is one of the occasions where he was flying a World War II plane. I mean. But he's unfelt the need to tow ABC news. My father is every bit the man you would think he is. EG a bad pilot. I don't like aeroplanes anyway. No. My fear of flying councilor died in a plane crash. And that sounds like a joke, but it actually happened. But then we did that. I know it's awful, isn't it? And I was quite frightened of flying before and I really am now. The concept of flying a plane for fun seems awful. I think the problem is, there are a shame of being actors. They think there's something sort of namby-pamby about being an actor and they want to say, look at me, I'm also a pilot. There are poets that are the same. What about Virgil? He was one of my favourite Thunderbird pilots. So he writes these things that George is, right, Virgil. Which is all about the little agriculture and it's like a violin. And it's like he's trying to say, don't go thinking I'm just a poet. I'm a macho, Agra Milton's the same. You know, I'm plucking berries with forced rude fingers. It's because he's ashamed of being a poet. Paul Newman, very macho man, made his own salad dress in. Lovely. See, it's more about that. Yes. It's fine to be an actor. It's fine to put on tights and make up and sing a song in front of people. Well done. Yes. You have to try a plane to prove that you've got this macho street. The salad dress he has great. John Travolta, in fact, has got his first pilot license when he was 22. He has five air airplanes. So when he wakes up in the morning and looks at his Piper Cherokee, which I'm informed is a plane. And he says, you're the one that I want. And he goes into that and flies off. I've never been able to do puns. I have to say them quickly. With the exception of Angelina Jolie, actresses don't fly. She does apparently. She's got a pilot license. Why do you think that is? Do you think it is comes down to just being a macho thing, men showing off, men dressing up? I've only been able to name three people. Yes. So I'm not saying it's a terrible epidemic. No. It's quite niche. Disney's in there constantly having awards ceremonies. So congrats on each other. But Harry is always at them. And Tom Cruise. And they show films of themselves in helicopters. They shake hands. And they salute each other. And they swap uniforms, no doubt. I must say every time I see them in there, it's the saluting. Stop saluting. It's like they were-- We salute what they salute in people or people salute. John Travolta is always saluting. Is he? Yes. He wants to be standing on the stairs. i'n gweithio, ac mae'n gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio. Mae'n gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio. Mae'n gweithio gweithio gweithio. Mae'n gweithio gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio.