Useful English Phrases for Difficult Conversations [589]

[Music] Hi there, this is Harry. Welcome back to Advanced English Lessons with Harry, where I tried to help you to get a better understanding of the English language, to help you with your conversational skills, your business English skills, interview skills, whatever your goals are, we're here to help. And for those of you and your friends or family who want one-to-one lessons, well, you know what to do, just get in touch www.englishlessonfireskype.com and you can apply for a free trial lesson and we'd be very happy to hear from you and very happy to help you. And in this Advanced English lesson, we're taking a look at speaking tasks and in particular, we're looking at advanced English useful speaking expressions for dealing with conflicts. Now, conflicts can arise in your business or a place of employment or they can arise in the family. So I'll give you indications when we go through them where they are most appropriate. And I've divided them into different categories and as I said, I'll go through them with you and I'll give you some examples. When somebody says something or there's some issue that has a reason in your place of employment or in the home, you might want to express some disbelief here and disbelief is usually when you're completely shocked. Oh, I can't believe it. You know, that type of an expression. So that's what disbelief would be. So here's some useful expressions. We can say simply, oh, this is beyond belief. So perhaps when you open the post in the evening and there's a letter perhaps from one of your utility suppliers like gas or electricity and you can see that the bill has increased since the last time you got a bill by 30, 40, 50 percent because of the cost of energy. So you will say, oh my god, this is beyond belief. Meaning I just don't understand. I don't believe that the bill could be so high. What happened? What did we do? Have we been leaving the lights on? Have we been put in the heating on too long? No, it's just the fact that energy costs have gone up and up and up. So this is beyond belief. So it just means you just simply cannot believe what you are seeing in the bill in front of your eyes. Another expression, where on earth did this come from or where on earth did they get it from? So again, some disbelief or some expression of disbelief when something happens or somebody gets information that you didn't expect them to get. So let me give you an example. So the expression we're looking at is where on earth did they get it from? Where on earth did they get it from? So that could be a problem in the office if you find out that your competitors know that you're going to launch a new product. They've got the information. And unfortunately they've come out with a different bigger and better product than you were going to launch. And so there's a big meeting of the senior management and the chairman of the board or the head of the company asks the question, where on earth did they get it from? Meaning who leaked the information or how did they get access to information that we were about to launch a product? So where on earth did they get it from? You could also use in a very simple situation in the family and I've seen it myself with my own kids. So perhaps they come home from school and they're playing and there it is a little bit of a fight. And then one of the children uses a particularly bad word or bad expression to the other child and mom or dad are absolutely shocked and so they look at each other and go, where on earth did they get it from? Meaning where did they pick up that word or where did they get that phrase? And you look at each other a little bit guilty. Perhaps you let it slip when you were talking to somebody on the phone or you let it slip when you're a little bit angry or perhaps they just picked it up in the school yard as kids do. Or where on earth did this come from? That could be something that it could be more pleasant. So but it is a disbelief perhaps your partner finds an old, old photograph of 20, 30, 40 years ago and you look at it and you think, wow, I was so young then look at my hair, look at my clothes, where on earth did you get this from? So again a little bit of disbelief, that photograph that you really hadn't seen for such a long time, you'd forgotten about it, turns up out of the blue. Okay and another expression in this expressing disbelief would be, I'm lost for words. So a very simple statement, I'm lost for words and literally what it means is you've nothing to say because either you're completely surprised, you're completely shocked or you just are flabbergasted that somebody would say or do what they had done and so you've got no words to express your feelings. Now it could be in a very very good situation so you get, you have a big birthday coming up, a 30th or 40th or 50th whatever it might be and your friends and colleagues are known to you club their money together, everybody chips in and they present you this amazing, amazing present that you really didn't expect and when you open the box or you take off the wrapping paper you're completely shocked and the first thing you say is, guys I don't know, I'm lost for words, what can I say? So you just look at the gift in disbelief because something that you always wanted but couldn't afford but there your friends have bought it for that special, that extra special birthday so you're lost for words. But you can also say lost for words in a negative sense as I said if you get a surprise or a shock that you really weren't expecting so perhaps you get fired then or perhaps you're told they're going to be made redundant or you get a letter or demand from the bank about your loan or your mortgage that they want it repaid so of course these would be all shocking situations really things that you would look at in disbelief so yeah you would always be lost for words so you open the letter or the email oh I'm lost for words what can I say this just wasn't something that I expected so again something that has come or arrived out of the blue okay so here we're expressing disbelief okay so three particular expressions this is beyond belief where on earth did they get it from or where did on earth did they get this from okay or where on earth did this come from so variations of that particular expression and then I'm lost for words or I'm completely lost for words if you want to give it a little bit more umph a little bit more on the line there are a little bit more emphasis on the point okay now if we want to express anger and of course you all know what anger is anger is when we get annoyed oh and something doesn't go the way you wanted to go yes so you express anger so what expressions or phrases can we use in this situation well one we can use it's a disgrace so that's a little bit muted and it's not as loud and as as strong as some might be but it's a it's a good way to express your anger it's a disgrace that the local government are going to bypass this town with a big road what are the shopkeepers going to do there be no visitors coming into the the town center so they're going to lose trade it's a disgrace that they're going to build that big monstrosity of an office block right and the outskirts of the city right near to the park there'll be a big shadow over the park for many hours during the day it's a disgrace so you're expressing your anger at the decision that has been made by the local government or if indeed the government of the whole country decide to increase taxes at a time when everybody is suffering from high inflation increasing the taxes it's a disgrace what are we supposed to do it's bad enough that our salaries are not yeah going up to match inflation but now we're going to have to pay 30% tax instead of 25% or 40% instead of 35 it's a disgrace so you're really really angry now if you get a letter that annoys you or somebody turns down your request for something or you were hoping to get something better but it doesn't materialize so you're going to be a little bit angry and your first reaction might be to pick up the telephone or get on your mobile phone and ring whoever is involved okay so when you call to that person you might say I'm calling to express my disappointment so it's very very polite okay but it will express your anger that something has happened that you weren't expecting to happen so let's say you have applied to the local school you've moved house and you want to put your kids name to the local schools that when they're old enough they would be able to attend that school because it's only a kilometer or so from your home and it would be a perfect place to go but when you make the application you get a letter or an email and I tell you that your request has been declined. So what do you do? You get on the phone and pick up the mobile, you ring the office of the school and you ask to speak to the head of the school or whoever's responsible for admissions. And the first thing you say is, I'm calling to express my disappointment in your decision to refuse my application to send our children to your school. So you go into a big explanation as to why you thought it was appropriate, given where you're living, how close to the school, blah, blah, blah. Okay, so you're expressing your disappointment by through the phone call, okay? You could also be calling somebody to express the disappointment that you didn't get the job that you were hoping to get. But what can you do? You can just ring up and say, look, I really thought I was a good candidate. You know, I put forward a good case. I understand that's your decision, but I'm just calling to express my disappointment. However, if things change and another position becomes available in the company, I would really wish and hope that you could consider me for that, okay? So a little bit of anger, but also you want to make sure that you don't burn any bridges, meaning you have an opportunity to go back to that company if another position becomes available. So I'm calling to express my disappointment. Number three, words cannot express my horror or words cannot express my shock at the news. So again, this is a little bit more emotion in this particular expression. So when we use something like words cannot express my horror, usually something bad has happened. Now, it could be something that you're not really connected with. And perhaps it's a serious accident near the city where you're living and the country or something really, really shocking is happening. And you are just talking to your friends and you're just saying, well, look, words cannot express my horror at these events. I really can't understand why the government permit this to happen. So it could be something like on the news situations about gun crime and mass shootings and killings in different countries. And of course, we are shocked and horrified when we hear and read that news because we wouldn't like it to happen near our homes and we certainly wouldn't like it to happen in schools where our children are in attendance. So if we're discussing it with our friends, we may well say, oh, words cannot express my horror at this news. Words cannot express my shock and disappointment and sadness because of this news. So again, we are indicating our anger at the way events have unfolded. So you can use it in many, many different situations. Perhaps a big company in the location is pulling out. They decided because they just not competitive anymore that are cheaper goods coming in from China or somewhere else. So they decided regrettably that they have to close and move the manufacturing out to Asia. So they've put all of the workers on notice that by the end of the year, they're going to close, they factory close, the office and that's it. So when you see what impact is going to have on your own family, on your own location, on your own community, a lot of course you are really angry and perhaps there's going to be a meeting held of all of the residents to get an explanation as to why and what can be done to change the situation. So you might stand up on behalf of the residents to say words cannot express our shock or our horror at the news that we received that this company is going to close down after being involved in this community for over 50 or 60 years. It's going to be a real tragedy for the local community, loss of income, loss of jobs. How are we going to replace it? So this would be the type of statement you'd expect to hear. And then finally, when we are really angry and we believe that whatever happened, shouldn't have happened and we're not going to just lie down and take it, then we might use an expression like, it's totally unacceptable. So you're not going to accept it. It's totally unacceptable that you are demanded repayment of this loan so quickly. It's totally unacceptable that you're going to make the children work an extra hour in schools instead of leaving school at 3.30, they're going to leave school at 4.30. That's going to change everything. It's going to make it later when they get home from school. They're going to be later in the evening doing their homework. They're going to be more tired when they go to bed. So there's lots of implications for these changes. So the parents get together and they send a message to the management of the school to say, it is totally unacceptable that these changes were introduced without any dialogue, without any way of communicating this earlier to the parents. So it's totally unacceptable. You can also use it in an office environment in many, many situations. The standard of somebody's work might be totally unacceptable. So they say, look regrettably, we're not going to be able to continue your contract because the level of your work, the quality of your work is totally unacceptable for what we expect. Or indeed, there could be a disciplinary action against somebody, a doctor, a nurse, an accountant, or somebody in a position of authority and they do something inappropriate. So they might get a message from the management of that company to say, your behavior is totally unacceptable. And therefore, we are putting you on notice that if this happens again, well then we'll have no choice but to end your contract or you will be, your contract will be terminated. Yeah, okay? So these are quite harsh words where people might be a little bit angry. Okay, so expressing anger, we can say, it's the disgrace. I'm calling to express my disappointment with the decision that you have made. Words cannot express my horror or my shock. It's totally unacceptable that, okay? Now, when we want to answer criticism, so there are some criticism about what we do, how we do it, where we go. So when people are not so happy with different things, so how do we answer that type of criticism? So here's some expressions that you can use. Let's not jump to conclusions. So somebody has some information and they interpret it in one way. You might interpret it in a different way. So to try and take the heat out of the situation and to try and give time for people to consider it properly, you might say, well, let's not jump to conclusions. Just because we got this letter doesn't mean we have to act, okay? So let's not jump to conclusions. So when we jump to conclusions, we jump to a view or an opinion that might be based on only half of the information and really what we need to do is wait until we get all of the information or both sides of the argument and in that situation then we are better able to judge it. So let's not jump to conclusions until we've had a chance to talk to him about it, okay? So perhaps you've heard a rumor that your manager is going to resign, okay? But you've only, it's only a rumor. He hasn't told you that. So the board or the management are very excited and annoyed that he hasn't told or she hasn't told them that they're going to leave. And you might say, well, let's not jump to conclusions. It's only a rumor. Has he told us or has she told us? Well, if they haven't, well then why don't we wait until we get it from the horse's mouth, meaning wait until they tell us that that's exactly what they're going to do and then we can make up our mind and then we can take some decision. There is no need to raise your voice. This is a great expression to use when somebody is getting really excited or really, (imitates a voice) okay, look, that's just calm down. There's no need to raise your voice. I can hear you clearly. And when you speak calmly, well then it comes out much more clearly. And this is a nice way to keep the kids quiet. So they come home from school, something's happened, that rower the best friend, problem with the teacher, some misunderstanding, and they're all excited, I'm really ready. And they start shouting and screaming. So to take the steam or the heat out of the situation, you might say, look, there's no need to raise your voice. Just sit down, deep breaths and tell me very clearly and very calmly what exactly happened. So there's no need to raise your voice. And if somebody starts shouting at you deliberately, it's usually to try and take control of the situation, then you might just say, look, I'm just sitting here, I'm not shouting, so there's no need for you to raise your voice to me, okay? Next, if we are read deliberately or very, very specifically disagree with what somebody has said, and we believe that they have no right or position to speak to us in a certain way, well then we can quite clearly say to them, you've got no right to talk to me like that. You've got no right to say that. you've got no right to do that. So you can use it in different ways. It really has the same meaning. So you've got no right to talk to me like that. You've got no right to say something like that to me. Or you've got no right to do that. So how might we use it? Well, of course, it could be somebody in the office who tells you what they think of you, but they don't use very nice language. So you could quite easily say, you've no right to say that to me. If you don't like what I've done, fine, tell me, and we can discuss it. But there's no reason and no need to use language like that. So you've no right to say that to me. Or if somebody comes and they just throw something on your desk, you've no right to do that. You can't just come and throw things at me on the desk. There's a way to approach people. And that's not the way to do it. So you've no right to say that. And you've no right to do something like that. And where something happens and somebody is in the wrong and you really, really feel strongly about it, then you can simply say, I think you owe me an apology. So somebody accused you of something that you didn't do. I think you owe me an apology. Somebody is looking for the report that you were sent, and you actually did send it, but they didn't see it in their inbox. And they come out and say, I told you to get that report to me by Friday. Where is it? I sent it to you on Friday evening. Here's a copy. So I think you owe me an apology, yeah? Because you've been shouting and ranting and raving. But in fact, you didn't look carefully enough at your inbox. So I think you owe me an apology. And we can also use this expression again with the kids where they got a little bit excited. You know, the way kids are, you know, they've no money, the pocket money's all spent. Their friends are going to the, to play pool or whatever and you won't let them go. So they start ranting and raving and shouting and screaming. And then when they calm down, you quite simply say, well, look, that's not the way we brought you up to behave. Okay, you couldn't go, okay, you spent all your money, that's not my fault. You don't have to, and you have no right to talk to me in that way. And that's the best way to deal with the kids when they, they've calmed down and then you can perhaps discipline them or talk to them about their behavior. That's not the way it brought you up. That's not the way we expect you to behave. Or if this brothers and sisters are fighting and shouting and one sibling takes something from the other and perhaps they break it or they lose it or they do something to it and the others quite upset. So you as the parent have to step in and try to make amends and act as the peace broker, then you might say to the brother or the sister, don't you think you owe your brother an apology? Don't you think you owe your sister an apology? I mean, would you like that to happen to your things? Would you like it if somebody took something without asking and then lost it or broke it or damaged it? No, you wouldn't. So don't you think you should apologize to your sister? Don't you think you owe your brother or sister an apology? Now, something which is really, really strong and this is something that when somebody's criticizing, we could say and there's no misunderstanding in this, you've failed miserably, yeah? So it's not only that you've failed, but you have failed miserably. That was just a poor, poor effort and a poor attempt. So you get the letter first that comes into the postbox and when you open it, you can see the results of your son or daughter and it's not just a bad result. It's a really, really bad result. So what can you do? So you sit down with the kids and say, well, look, there's no easy way to put it. You've failed miserably, yeah? So you told us that you had studied hard, you told us that you had really done well, but look at these results. I mean, it's really pathetic and you're going to have to do this exam again. In some cases, you might even have to repeat the whole year. So you've failed miserably at whatever you were trying to do. This is very, very sharp criticism. So when you're dealing with a situation where somebody accuses you of doing something, perhaps their attempts to try and get you a nod or angry, doesn't work and you could say to them, well, if that's what you were trying to do, if you're trying to upset me, if you're trying to force me to resign, if you're trying to get me to say something, well, I'm afraid you've failed miserably. I don't get upset that easily. I think I'm right. I believe you're in the wrong. So I'm just going to leave it. So if you were trying to get some other reaction from me, then I think you have failed miserably. You haven't succeeded in what you want to do. So failed miserably means you haven't succeeded. OK? All right. So when you're answering criticism, they're the sort of expressions you might be able to use. Don't you think you should apologize? And then you failed miserably. OK. Now, next, if we want to take some action-- so what sort of expressions might we use when we're talking about taking some action? Well, first of all, if we're offering to do something, then we can use expressions like, "I have every intention of investigating this situation." OK. So that sounds very, very serious, yeah? So it could be in the school, the director, or manager of the school, realizes that something's been going wrong, that some of the kids are getting very, very similar results in their exams. But there's no real evidence that they've been cheating. But the exam results are so similar for the last two or three tests that really, really, there's some question marks about the results. So the director or the head of the school calls all of these teachers together and said, OK, look, I think there's something happening here. And I think we really need to look at this. So I have every intention of investigating what has happened. And if there's any sign of any cheating, well, then we're going to have to take some serious action. So I have every intention of investigating means. I'm going to look into this. And I'm going to look into it quite seriously. So I have every intention of investigating. So strong words, but they followed up with strong action. So managers and companies can take some sort of similar action if something's gone missing. Maybe the petty cash has gone missing. And somebody's been accused of stealing it, or perhaps some information concerning the company's activities have been leaked to journalists or were still leaked to the competition. So the manager on behalf of the board of directors has to tell people that we've every intention of investigating the situation. And if anybody is guilty of deliberately leaking information to the journalists or to our competition, well, then it would be looked on very, very seriously indeed. So I have every intention of investigating the situation. OK, then let's move on then to the next one. So the next one I have for you is I'm warning you there will be consequences. OK, so remember we're talking generally here about conflict. So conflict is when there's a dispute. And when there's a dispute, we try to find some resolution to it. And if we can, we can try and find it in a peaceful sort of way. But sometimes it doesn't always work out that way. So I'm warning you there will be consequences. So for example, if there is a situation, perhaps your own property and the tenant refuses to pay the rent for some reason. Maybe he thinks that you owe him some money, or maybe he thinks the condition of the house or the apartment isn't quite what it should be. So he stops paying the rent. And you write to him and tell him, well, look, you sign the contract. You sign the lease. If you've got a problem in relation to some aspect of it, come and talk to me and we'll try and resolve the problem together. But you can't refuse to pay the rent. Because if you do, then I'm going to have to issue an eviction order. And that's going to be difficult. So I'm warning you there will be consequences if you continue to refuse to pay the rent. So this is your perhaps final warning to somebody. Or indeed, if you've refused to pay parking fines or speeding fines and you've been getting letters from the local council, and there's a definite conflict, you think that it wasn't you driving the car or you think it wasn't. There was no sign about no parking. Well, and of course, you can dispute that. But you might get a very strongly worded letter from the council, the corporation, or the local government, or indeed, even the police. And the letter will say, we are warning you that there will be consequences, severe consequences if you continue to refuse to pay these fines. So you might end up in court, and you have to explain. explain the situation in front of the local magistrate or the local judge. Now, when we want to have a positive outcome from a dispute, it's always great when we can get something that both sides feel they've benefited. And this is what we call a win-win situation where both sides win. So perhaps you're having a dispute with a client over your contract. Perhaps there's a dispute over the fees that have been charged. And perhaps the client isn't happy that you increase the fees without notification that he was expecting. So he's refusing to pay the fees. You're refusing to send the goods that he was hoping to get. So nobody's happy. You're not getting paid and he's not getting the products that he hoped to get. So you try to come to some resolution. You're trying to come to some accommodation of each other's views so that you can resolve the conflict. So somebody puts forward a suggestion then. Well, perhaps we'll pay half of the fees up front now. And then when you deliver the products and we're happy with them, them immediately will pay the other half. So that's it. That looks like a situation that could work. So that's what we would describe as a win-win situation. Both parties are happy. Win-win. Okay? You could have a dispute or a conflict in your home with your kids. They want to go out a couple of nights of the week with their friends. Who doesn't? You don't want them to go out because they've got school the next morning and you know the situation. You have to drag them out of the bed. They don't do their homework. Problems of school, all of that. So you try to negotiate or discuss it with the kids and say, "Okay, look, you can go out but only on a Friday evening and Saturday evening. Monday to Thursday, you have to stay at home. Sunday, you have to stay at home because you've got school the following day." So Friday and Saturday, but you have to be home at a certain time. So the kids accept that, okay? So for both parties, the parents and the kids, it's what we would call win-win-win situation and the conflict. And then finally, when somebody comes up with an idea that will end conflict, then you can simply say, "Well, that's really positive. It's a good suggestion. I look into this and if we can accept it and it works, then I'll come back to you very quickly and perhaps we can just move on." So it's a good way in how you can make a suggestion to the person that you're in conflict with. Yeah, their suggestion is actually not such a bad idea. You think it will work. Perhaps they might need to be a few little changes here and there, but overall, it's a good suggestion and I look into this. So a nice positive end to the conflict. Okay, so here, someone's making an offer. They have every intention of investigating what has happened. They're warning you that there may be consequences of their actions. More positively, the suggestion means that it's a win-win for both sides or simply it's a good suggestion and you promise or you undertake to look into this. Okay? Okay, let's finally look at responding to offers. And we've got two ways here. We've got a negative way to respond under positive way. Okay, so let's take the negative first of all. So let's take the situation where you're getting bombarded with emails and letters and calls and texts about some new, wonderful broadband connection or something to do with the internet and they're bundling all these services together. And you're just really, really fed up. You don't understand it. You don't want to change. You're happy with the provider that you have. So finally, you either write or you pick up the phone and you say, look, I'm not interested and I would really appreciate it if you didn't try to contact me about this again. So that's really telling them, look, I've had enough. I want no more emails. I want no more texts. I want no more calls. If I want to change, I will change. But if I want to change, I will come and get it. You don't need to bombard me. So this is a very, very straight down the line statement. I'm not interested. And I would appreciate it if you didn't try to contact me about this again. Full stop, end of story. Go away and leave me alone. That's exactly what it means. Now, on a more positive way, you can say, oh, I really like to hear more about this. I don't really have the time at the moment, but I would appreciate it if you could send me some more information. So that's a much more positive approach, but it's only a positive approach if you really want to hear about it and you really want to get some information. Perhaps it's a new model car that you're looking at. So yeah, I'd like to hear about it. I don't have the time at the moment, but I'd really appreciate it if you could send me some more information. So a positive way of responding to offers and a negative way in which we can respond to offers. Okay, so what we've been looking here at advanced English that will help you speaking. And these are expressions and phrases that you can use when you're talking about different types of conflict. And they can be conflict in your family. They can be conflict with your friends. They can be conflict from a business perspective. All of them you can amend and adjust. So you know the drill by now, you need to practice these. If you have any problems, you need to come back to me. You can contact me on www.englishlessonviscope.com. Very happy to hear from you. Very happy to provide you with some more information and some more examples where they're appropriate. Okay, so this is Harry. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. And just to remind you, join me again for the next lesson.