Unreliable Boyfriends & Unexpected Proposals

Daddy gang, welcome back to another Sunday session. You know, I was thinking about it this morning, and this is how you know you're just getting older, because I never thought that I would say this, but Sundays for me, it's like, oof, another extra day in the weekend to just relax, because Saturdays, I'm not hittin' it, you know? I'm not hittin' it like I used to. Obviously, I'm currently pregnant, but I'm not going out, and my entire life, it has felt like Saturdays are to die. Saturdays are high school, college, you're drinking, you're active, you're with your friends, you're on a bar floor, you're at a man's apartment in Southie, waking up, your phone's dead, you don't know how to get home. I did just randomly remember that story, oddly, because I don't know what made me think of it. I think I saw a girl's TikTok. I had a random night. In Southie, Boston, in college. Ooh, don't, I was gonna say, take me back. Don't take me back. It is a Sunday morning. I am leaving this man's apartment. I wanna get out of there as fast as I humanly possibly can. I'm looking at him, and I'm not even regretting it. I just am like, I know I'm breaking out. I know the extensions are like half clipped in. I know that the face, I didn't wash it, so it's like probably half club makeup, half like the other side of my face, looks, we've got pale, and then we have orange. And so I just escape, and I run out. It is like 20 degree weather in Boston, and I'm standing on the curb, and I'm waiting for my Uber, and my phone dies. And I'm like, oh, and I'm looking like a full, I am looking like I have been working all night, okay? And I'm on that corner, and it was one of those moments where I cried, and I sat on the side of the road, because I didn't know how to, I had to contact the man back upstairs. I didn't know what to do. I'm in Southie, I really don't know where the fuck I am. I'm so far from BU, the college that I went to. And then finally, this really, really nice man is like, "Ma'am, are you okay?" He definitely didn't call me ma'am. I'm rewriting history there. He's like, "Hey, you whore, are you okay?" I'm like, "No, sir, I'm not okay." He let me use his phone. I called another Uber. I got into my Uber, and I went to class. I went to class, and if I can find the picture, I will post it, because it is me in stiletto strap-up heels. I'm wearing the man's large T-shirt from the night before. I forgot my dress, 'cause I couldn't find it, and we didn't have time to find the dress. And I think it was like a dress from Wet Seal. It was maybe $12, and it had gotten the perfect use out of it. And then I had my oversized winter coat, so I zipped up my winter coat that was like knee length with my stilettos and my fucked up hair, and I walked, I think it was sign language class. I walk, well, barely walk, strut in in my heels to sign language class. My ex-boyfriend, who also happened to be in that class with me, looked me up and down, and was like, it was the best decision he ever made to stay away from me. And I just remember smelling my hair. It was like, mm, that's Burnett's vodka. I just, ooh, I just remember being like, "I need to get through this sign language class, and I need to head on home, and I need to do a lot of praying. I need to do a couple Hail Marys, Our Fathers, active contrition. I need to make sure that I'm set right before I do it all again tonight." So that's what my Saturdays used to look like, and it was basically the same when I lived in New York City. But now full circle, well, I guess it's not full circle. It's a semicircle 'cause I'm not full circling it. My Saturdays are what they write about in the wholesome books, okay? I am so wholesome. I'm doing family time every Saturday. I'm at the park with my dogs. I'm doing a home-cooked meal that my dad made us, and we're all sitting around the fire pit, and we're telling stories of the good old days from our childhood on the cul-de-sac. Like, and then I'm waking up on Sunday fully refreshed, and even if I'm not pregnant, like, I'm not, I'm not hungover, and I'm feeling good. And maybe that's what your 30s is about. I don't know. Maybe most 30-year-olds are like, "Alex, no, I'm still hitting that club." But for me, I don't know, man. Maybe I just like drank myself into oblivion in my 20s. And I did start early. I did start a little, I started, I did, I think I, yeah, I think I, this is not to be, you know, this is not one of those podcasts where I'm like, do as I say, don't do as I say. I think I had my first drink when I was in seventh grade. It wasn't like a drink. You know, it was just like a, let's try alcohol for the first time. But yeah, so I started early. High school, I was having fun. So now I'm like an old person. Like, alcohol doesn't affect me like it used to. And I just like to have a little sincere and look off into the distance when I'm allowed to drink. So anyways, yeah. So my Sundays are calm, cool, and collected. So I hope if you are younger me right now, and you were at the bottom of the barrel last night, maybe you got kicked out of the club. Maybe you got punched in the head at the club. Maybe you got fucked at the club. Maybe you cried your eyes out because your ex showed up with another broad. Whatever it was, just know it's gonna be okay because I am not hung over and I am going to carry you through this Sunday session like the father I am. You are in the best of hands today, okay? And so you don't need to say any prayers. You don't need to ask for forgiveness. I am going to do the repenting for you because I can emotionally handle that. You just sit back, relax, put a little cold compress on your head, and just listen to the sound of my voice as I answer some of your questions that I find very universally, hopefully, relatable. Some of the ones that I picked, I think you're gonna like them. So let's get into it, okay? One, two, three, here we go. ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ - First question, a friendship question, which all of us can relate to. So someone wrote in and said, "I had a huge falling out with my best friend "a few years ago after I told her in confidence "that I was struggling with my friendship." "We ended up telling several people in our friend group. "I felt completely betrayed, and we stopped speaking. "We recently reconnected, and I really miss her, "and she seems to have grown a lot since then. "But how do you know when someone has actually changed "and it's worth giving a friendship a second chance?" Oh, that's a hard one. I think my initial reaction to this is, friendship is so incredible, and it is one of the most generous and truest forms of a gift you can ever have in life, especially, I think, as women. But I will say, I think as you get older and you experience things, we fuck up. And I'm not saying that it's okay to fuck your friend over. Trust me, this girl, I'm pissed at her for what she did to you. But I think we lose sight of how important certain things are to certain people because we're so wrapped up in ourselves. And I'm assuming you're maybe in your 20s and you're going through this, right? And she's got a lot on her plate. She was at dinner, she mentioned it. And I have to believe, if this was such a good friend of yours, I really don't believe there are that many horrible people out in the world trying to be vindictive, right? So I think she made a really fucked up bad decision. And I'm sure one night or one day or whatever it was, she said something about the relationship and she absolutely shouldn't have said that. And she fucked up and it's not okay. And she should be held accountable for that. And clearly you guys took a break and you haven't talked in a while. But I do believe, especially, with friendship, like there has to be some give and take. And if they keep fucking you over, that's one thing. Then this person needs to be out of your life. But it feels like this was like a fuck up on her part and everything else though, you do love about her. You're just like, how did you do this to me? And I think you now need to just almost go into it. Don't have your eyes closed, give her another chance. And I think you should say that, like I really missed you and what you did really hurt me. And I wanna trust you again. And I want to go back to how we were. And I just need to know that you know why that impacted me and why that hurt me so much. And if this girl's like, girl, I fucked up so bad. I regret it to this day. I will never do that to you again. Then I think you can move forward with the relationship. I do think as much as people don't like to hear that, I think a lot of times with younger friendships and younger, I literally mean teens, 20s, 30s. We are so self-involved in those years. We are trying to figure out our lives. We're trying to figure out our situation. We're trying to figure out what's going on in our lives. - When people want to take their friend back that fucked their boyfriend behind their back, I would have a very different answer. But this is just someone that was a little loose-lipped and girls love to gossip, girls love to say things, and sometimes we forget what the actual repercussions are and how it's actually gonna affect and hurt the other person. she needed that wake-up call I think give it another chance but overall that shit is so tough I feel like that was like my life in college like you tell someone something and then it gets back to you and to some degree you're like oh my god I fucking hate you right now but also like are we going to the dining hall at five o'clock and again I know it's different in every aspect of your life of where you're at but it feels like this was it was a strike on her report card and if she does it again she fails and she's out okay next my boyfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years and he's a bit of an over-promiser in terms of sometimes he'll say we will take a trip and then we don't or we'll go to a particular dinner and then we don't I don't think he has bad intentions just really bad planning skills do you think this is worth bringing up absolutely um that would annoy the shit out of me if my partner was constantly selling me these ideas and these dreams and like I'm sorry but a dream is a dinner okay for me a dream is a dinner if you're telling me that we're gonna go get a chicken parm on a Friday night I am like I'm prepping what I'm eating in the morning I'm preparing mentally I'm probably looking at the menu at 7 a.m to be like not even 7 a.m 7 p.m the night before okay I love a plan of like oh I'm gonna go do this this and this and like oh what kind of cocktails I got and oh what kind of appetizers they got what's my outfit gonna be oh my god I just bought that really cute new top from da da da like I can't wait to wear that so when you have someone telling you something and then constantly going back on it you're gonna start also just to resent your partner because you're getting told something that you're obviously going to look forward to because it's individual time with your partner it's bonding time it's it's one-on-one time and that's how you build a relationship and the fact that he keeps not following through on that stuff eventually you're going to be like what what is our relationship if we don't have a foundation that when you tell me we're going to do something we never do it so I do think you can bring it up I don't need think you need to be like laying the hammer down of like you never follow through Jared time's up buddy if we don't go to dinner on Friday I'm done with you I think it's a ease in conversation of hey I wanted to talk to you about something I love that you're always trying to plan things but I do think there's been a pattern that I'm starting to see that I'm not going to be able to do it right now I'm not going to a lot of times you don't follow through on those plans and I want you to know how it affects me it makes me sad I love you I want to go do these things with you and some of the ideas that you always have I'm so excited about I can't wait to go do them with you and be together and when it keeps falling through I feel like you're not prioritizing me in our relationship and I feel shitty about things and so I'm hoping I would almost rather us not have as many plans that you're making and the ones that you do plan you make sure you follow through on because let me tell you something sweetheart it starts with this right maybe he's the frat boy maybe maybe you're in your early 20s maybe you're out of college right that is not a characteristic that you want in a husband and then playing it off like oh not that big of a deal and you're like it was a big deal okay because I had the opportunity to eat the chicken parm with my mother at lunch on the Tuesday but I didn't because I knew we were going on Friday and now I'm pissed now I'm pissed and it's not about the chicken parm I'm going to eat the chicken parm I'm going to eat the chicken parm can you guys tell I'm like craving a chicken parm right now hi pregnancy it's all I've been thinking about it's literally I go to bed dreaming of a chicken parm that may be my first meal in the hospital Matt take notes trust me I already did a shared notes with him of all the foods that I will be eating and consuming the minute I give birth to this child um so anyways yeah I think bring it up to him I don't think it can hurt and I think if he is weird about it I think that's a beyond under delivering I'm a queen bow down bitch take me to dinner okay next um oh this one's really interesting okay my partner is naturally charming and engaging but sometimes it comes across as flirting and other people respond like there's an opening they insist they're doing nothing wrong and say that's just how I talk if both I and the other person are interpreting it as flirtatious does their intent matter more than how it's interpreted I don't know I don't know it's landing how do we resolve this when we can't agree on what's happening I don't give a fuck about your intent bitch boy okay I don't care if you're like I wasn't really flirted listen if enough people the general consensus in the room is your boyfriend is coming off like that then he needs to correct himself and I think that him getting defensive over it is weird to me because if you approach your partner and be like wait all these people are saying this he his first response in my opinion should be like oh my god I literally can't I I am so sorry that is like not at all what I was trying to do and I'm like mortified that they even think I would be flirting with them because I only have eyes for you that whoa okay I need to adjust my behavior there is accountability that needs to be had and I think I've oh I've had a lot of people write this in of like when is your partner too flirty or has a wandering eye when someone tries to say it's just my personality oh okay well then it's your personality to be a big big flirt and a big hoe okay then go do that and don't be in a relationship there is a lack of respect that comes with that because what he's not understanding is totally totally Bobby it's your personality you're just having a little flirt cool well guess how that makes me look guess how that makes me feel when I'm in a room and my friends are coming to me being like yo Bobby's flirting it up again and you're like hey Bobby you're three micheladas deep and somehow you're giving my friend the idea that you want to be a fist deep also okay we need to lock it in Bobby do you want that or are you just an idiot acting that way and I I feel like sometimes what frustrates me is you are weaponizing like oh I don't know it's just my personality at some point okay that's fine to say once so now change it because who would want their personality to be like oh I don't know it's just my personality at some point okay that's fine to say once so now change it because who would want their personality to be like oh I don't know to be disrespecting their partner to be making other people feel uncomfortable in a room and to be giving the wrong impression because if you actually aren't flirting with them why would you ever want them to think that you're flirting with them aren't you okay just making slight little tweaks to your said personality in order to make everyone feel more comfortable no Bobby no no mm-hmm I see right through you Bobby so yeah you need to bring that up with B.O.B. and we gotta just we gotta shut this shit down but I I'm gonna be honest girl like I don't love a wandering eye partner for a flirtatious kind of person where the immediate response isn't like oh my god I'm mortified I'm so sorry if it's not that I fear sometimes it will never change because why do you have to beg this person that you're in love with to respect you and I know that he would be like he's not gonna see it as respect that's what we're talking about I'm asking you to have some respect for me the immediate answer should be I will literally I will change immediately I'm so sorry and if it's not that it's a red flag okay next hi daddy I have been talking to this guy I met through a mutual friend for the past month or so he lives in New York City and I live in Boston and he offered me to come visit him for the weekend going into this how do I know there's enough foundation there to spend a whole weekend together do you have any tips on how to approach the weekend overall honey you are talking to a reformed what would the word be I got miles okay I got miles on me okay I was flying all over the country at one point before Maddie locked it down I in college was definitely flying to see some men that I would be dating I often would take take a risk take a chance and I would be like oh my god I'm so sorry and get on the plane and go meet a man that one I had never met in person before that's literally psychotic but sometimes it actually ended up working out really well and sometimes it was horrific so let me think back to give you some pointers on how I could have known and what were some of the flags and red flags or whatever so some of the times that I got on a plane to visit a man and it actually ended up working out to give you some advice would be lots of facetimes prior also on the phone or facetime where you were able to actually have like that moment together where there's silence and you're like making your sandwich or he's like doing something and you're still on the phone together and it's not awkward I think that allows you to see like oh we really vibe with each other and this is we're comfortable with each other in a way that doesn't feel like we have to be so fucking on right now and we're like uh okay um bye and it's like an awkward dance that you're doing I found that the amount of time that I spent talking to them prior to getting on the plane allowed me to feel way more comfortable when I showed up because we had inside jokes we had things that we had talked about for hours and I wasn't meeting a stranger also I think there needs to be a little bit of like a how many times has this person asked you to come in my opinion I never just like jumped at the first invite right I want to actually know like this motherfucker actually wants me on that plane and so maybe it was the first time I would kind of be like oh sorry I'm not going to be able to because my schedule's a little tight and I can't make it that weekend and then I would wait to see if he would follow up I would wait to see if he would be like hey like I know we couldn't make it work that weekend but I'm actually going to be available this weekend would this work for you so it's showing that this wasn't a oh shit all my friends are out of town this weekend my other girlfriend's out of town this weekend and I have nothing to do you got to read those context clues of like is this a persistent person who's really trying to find a weekend no matter what is happening in his life in your life to actually make it work um because honey I have been there okay where I was on the other side of it where I started to look around I'm like none of the friends are in town this week and uh it's not much going on in town this week and uh we haven't really left the wanted me to come on the 16th specifically and get out on the 18th specifically you could start to see you know what I mean so just read those context clues is he down for you to come whenever or do you have a small window and if you don't hit that window a whole semester could go by before you get another invite I will also say um I had one of one of the bigger uh disasters that I experienced was I traveled I traveled to the United States and I traveled to the United States and I traveled to the United States and I traveled from actually I think it was Pennsylvania to New York City or it was Boston to New York City to see a hockey player at the time and I was an idiot and I had been talking to him mostly texting I think we had like a couple facetimes but primarily when I was either drunk or he was drunk or he was out and it was dark and like it was always nighttime and it was a little like oh like well we've never talked in the morning um and I was like I don't know I don't I just thought he was so adorable and cute and I wanted rangers tickets naturally because I knew you know after college I'll probably be moving there anyways uh I got there and it was one of the more uncomfortable situations like you guys when I tell you I got to his apartment he wasn't answering I am like carrying my pink little suitcase like hello like where are you and he's not answering his phone um he knew what time I was arriving turns out he was at a bar with his and I was like hey um I'm here and he's like oh like we're down at like the Spotted Pig or whatever like I'll be back in like 15 minutes and I'm like yeah yeah yeah no like totally cool totally cool guys like I'm sitting on the side of the road literally just traveled all the way for this man and I'm feeling like an idiot the minute I felt that I knew it was going to be a disaster it's like your gut immediately knows oh my god this person's not actually taking this seriously because guess what he got up the stairs and he's like oh my god I'm here and he's like oh my god I'm that morning he probably jerked off he brushed his teeth he went and had lunch with his mother or his girlfriend or whoever and he was with his boys and then they went to the bar he had to change nothing in his routine and I had to get on a train with my big luggage and haul it across New York City and go through Penn Station okay and pick up a little sausage hot dog on the way out and I'm and it's the middle of summer and I'm miserable and I show up and the man's not even there and then yeah to spare you the details it wasn't great um I got into his apartment eventually and he was a certifiable asshole I felt so uncomfortable the whole time the minute I even got there it was like instinctual I actually ended up like texting some of my friends that I knew lived in New York being like you around this weekend like any chance I could like you know sleep on your couch maybe because I just had a feeling that I was going to be like oh my god I'm going to be like oh my god I'm like there is a world I'm gonna go to the club with this man he's gonna leave with a different woman and I'm gonna have to knock knock and get my luggage bag and be like um it's me again the person that you literally invited to come stay with you remember me so yeah I got myself in a lot of shitty situations but I learned from it and so it feels like not to freak you out but you will know in your heart if you actually are far along enough with this person to get on a you know what their apartment looks like do you know what I mean like when you are on video call or calling whatever it is has he sent you pictures do you know where he lives do you know the situation you're walking into does he make you feel like you're welcome but you know sometimes the ones where you're not welcome they do make for some of the best stories hey daddy me and my boyfriend have been together for five months now I love him so much and he treats me great but today before he left for golf he couldn't find his watch he started screaming throwing things slamming drawers and having a temper tantrum over this I've never seen him so angry I was genuinely scared he apologized but I can't help but wonder how he would react in an actual upsetting situation how do I address this okay that is not great it's interesting because I just wanted to triple check so you've been together for five months I feel like the five month six month mark is such a moment in a relationship like when you hit that six to eight months I feel like you really start to see who someone is and they're honest true side of themselves starts to come out my worry for you is like the fact that you said it I was genuinely scared and this was over a watch I agree with you I think that your gut instinct is right of like wait a second why is this man going so off the rails because he can't find his watch and you're seeing this like anger within him that you have never seen before so clearly you guys have never gotten in a fight and I think something I always say to my friends because I lived it when I was starting in relationships is like you really start to see who someone is when you do have your first disagreement like I don't think you can just move in with someone and and fall in love and live happily ever after until you have a disagreement with someone and you see how you guys come back from arguments or disagreements and hard times right and the fact that this is clearly one of the first times you've ever seen him get heated because it feels like maybe you guys haven't had any fights my red flag goes up for you where it's like this was over a watch imagine when it is a little bit bigger which is basically anything in the world literally this man can't find his fucking watch he doesn't think anyone stole it he just can't find it he doesn't know which drawer he left it in and he's getting so heated and angry and like throwing things and getting physical to the point where it's like whoa whoa whoa whoa what is happening here so my advice to you is anytime as a woman your gut instinct is I feel unsafe and this doesn't feel right I'm not saying that maybe this guy had a really horrible off moment and this is like he's never acted this way in his life that could be unfortunately I just think statistically that men that are aggressive like that that is not the first time they've done it and it's not the last time they're gonna do it and so I'm not trying to like freak you out but I do think you can't let this go and I'm not trying to like freak you out but I do think you can't let this go at least for yourself I don't think you need to bring this up in a way that is going to cause him to freak out on you even more maybe also you're not having this conversation in complete private with him maybe it's you guys are at a brunch you're in a quiet corner and you just say hey I was thinking about it and the other night or the other day when you couldn't find your watch I felt like I saw a side of you that I have never seen and I'll be honest the level that it got to and the physicality like it scared me and I I have never seen that side of you before and I was worried like is this a part of you that I I haven't seen and is this something that I need to like look out for and I think again so much of life is reading people's vibe right if this man is like Stacy I am so mortified and sorry also keep in mind though like if his answer is too good but if it's something along the lines of like he needs to justify why it happened right like to be honest I that is my grandfather's watch that he gave me before he died and I am so attached to it and I thought I lost it and I started to literally I felt like was having a panic attack something like that you're like okay maybe still not okay but like I'm gonna give you another chance here if he's like I'm so sorry it freaks you out like I'm gonna give you another chance here if he's like I'm so sorry it freaks you out it will never happen again yeah words are one thing let's now see the actions follow up but if he's like I mean dude like it's not that big of a deal like I just was like pissed off because I couldn't find my watch like I it's kind of crazy for you to say you were scared downplaying your feelings I do think you need to watch out for and again also as a woman the men that are sweet talkers if he's like babe oh my gosh that'll never happen again that's not me you know me also watch out for that And so I get it's hard, but you literally have to go with your gut on this one at the end of the day. anything when it comes to physical with men. I personally just, I would remove myself or distance myself. But you have to do what's right for you. But please be careful. Also, maybe tell one of your friends, and I know it's early and you're five months in, so you're probably sharing all the good stuff. But I do think that this is how those type of relationships can also start, right? Like we downplay something and we're like, it was just a one-off. And then the next time it happens, are you going to downplay it again, right? And so I think sometimes keeping yourself honest and having one friend that you can tell that you're like, I'm just putting this on your radar. I think I'm like, I like him, obsessed with a lot of things about him. But like this one little thing just like kind of freaked me out. I don't need your judgment. I just want you to like, keep me accountable if this ever happens again. Okay, next. I started seeing this guy and we've had quite a few conversations. And I'm like, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't quite a few times now. He lasts so long, too long, which is fine. But this, not so much. He goes on for about two to three hours. I can't keep doing these long sessions, babe. Me either. How do I approach this conversation? Oh my God. That's like literally my nightmare. Oh my God. Two to three hours. Oh, wow. Okay. Listen, there's like. No, first of all, it's like for me personally, listen, some of you may be just like freaks, like three hours. Let's go. For me personally, I could never like that's just too fucking long. I think there's moments in a relationship, right? If you're like on vacation or you're having a big night together and it's like you do it and then you go get your like you lay in bed and whatever, then you do it again later. And it's like, oh, like we're like having a fun marathon tonight. But that's like. Once every quarter, right? Like not even. To have it be every single time that you and this man are intimate, that this is a two to three hour long marathon. This is as long as the movie The Odyssey. You are putting in work for that long. I am so sorry. I, whoa. Okay. But you need to solve this. I think you've got to be honest. And I think you've got to be honest. And I think you need to be honest. And maybe make a light joke of it because obviously it is a little uncomfortable. I do think you can just say to him, hey, Roberto, I am so attracted to you. I literally our sex is amazing. I'm going to be honest, though. She gets a little tired. I think we're going to have to spice in some more sessions that are cut in half shorter. Okay. Sometimes. Sometimes I am looking for a little quickie. Sometimes I'm looking for a little one, two, bang, bang. And then like we both get ours and it's done. And I'm not saying I'm like not down for a fun little sex marathon. But I think we got to think I got to preserve and protect my girl because she's getting a little tired. And I think you could start with humor. Again, everyone's going to be different. I just don't see how I mean, this man is not trying to like ruin your life. So I do think you have to kind of approach it where you don't completely knock him down. I think you need to be honest with him in a fun way. And if he's like, oh, no, no, no. Two hours is minimum for me. And then you're going to be like, you're a freak and I'm leaving. But maybe he thinks you like it. That's the only way that I can justify that a man is consistently doing this. Isn't he tired? Doesn't he have a job? Like, how do you have time every time you have sex to be going for two to three hours? Girl, what does he do for work? I actually would want to know this. No, but I think it's a quick, easy conversation. Listen, I think conversations around sex, and I've always said this on Call Her Daddy, they can be really uncomfortable if you make them as much as you can prep. You also can't plan what the other person is going to do. So he may feel so insecure. His ego may get hurt. And so that's why it's like, yes, bring a little bit of humor and be sweet. But at the end of the day, if he's going to be like a little bitch boy, he's going to be a little bitch boy. And most men would be like, oh, my God, I can totally do a quickie. Like, let's go. And we keep it moving. And then we're not in a sex marathon. OK, because we all have work and families and jobs and bills to pay. So let's fucking go. OK, next. Hi, Daddy. I've been in a relationship for a year and a half, and it's the most serious one I've ever had. We have spent the last six months talking about our future, marriage, kids and especially moving in together. I'd always been clear that living together before getting engaged was important to me. So imagine my shock when he proposed this week. We'd never discussed engagement or timeline, and I was completely blindsided. I said yes in the moment. But ever since, I've been filled with fear. I've been feeling like I'm going to die. I've been feeling with doubts. If we're supposed to communicate about everything, is this something couples therapy can work through? Or is this kind of communication gap a major red flag? The first thing that I love to just hear from you is that you have boundaries and very specific things that you know that you want to experience with this person before rushing into marriage. And I think that that is going to bode well for you in the future, because I do think that there are so many people out there who do jump into a marriage or whatever. And then they're like, oh, my God, like, maybe we should have lived together first, because now I like fucking hate this person. Or like, maybe we should have talked about our views on kids, because now we're married and this person doesn't want them. And this person does. So I think it's like, it's really healthy that you have been talking about these things. I agree that it's a little shocking that there was a clear boundary that you had. And then this person proposed. I think you need to have a really honest conversation, because I think there's clearly a disconnect. It's like, clearly he loves you and you love him. This is like what the trajectory is that you guys have been talking about. The fact that you're talking about marriage, kids, all of that. But I agree. I would be so disoriented if I said that to Matt. I'm like, we need to live together before anything is solidified or anything. I just personally believe that you should live with someone before you get married to them. That is my personal opinion for myself. I totally get that for some people. They don't need to do that. But I really think it shows you who someone is. I think you have to go through an almost an entire new relationship when you move in with someone. You see there some flaws of theirs that you never got to see, because at the end of the day, when you separate and you go back to your own houses, it is a very different experience than when you are in your shared space. When you are deciding who gets what drawer and you just you see who's messy or this or you have to go to the bathroom and you live in the same space like you become. One in a way that you just can't get that type of bonding and that enmeshment when you are living separately. That is also what marriage is, right? You're merging your lives. And so the first step that is an easy telltale of if you're going to be successful together is if, oh, how is living together? Right. And the fact that he kind of like skipped over that part, I think that you need to slow him down. And I think that this is also where comes pressure for people when it comes to engagements. The minute you get engaged, especially as a woman, everyone's like, when are you getting married? And then the minute you get married, everyone's like, when are you having kids? And so I think you need to not abandon the things that you know are important to you before you move forward, because from dating to engagement to marriage, it's such a almost can be a quick timeline and it all seems so fun and exciting. And then all of a sudden you're married and it's like, OK, now all of those fun little things that everyone and the dresses and the engagement parties and the wedding, it's all over. And now you're like, oh, I'm going to get married. Now you're just stuck with the two of each other. Do you like each other? And so sometimes people get wrapped up in all of the big festivities that come with the trajectory to marriage. And then it's like, wait, you guys, we didn't do any of the actual work. So now we're sitting after our honeymoon and we're like, so. That was such a fun couple of years of engagement to marriage. And now what the fuck? And you almost realize, like, do you really are you together? Just so fun. But it's like, no, no, no. You have to live with this person for the rest of your life. That would be the goal. Right. So I think you need to say to him, hey, I have been wanting to have this conversation with you. And I've just been taking a minute to process it. And I think we just have to have a really open conversation because I love you so much. And when you got down on one knee, I was both shocked and so excited. And I love you. And I do want to marry you. But I wouldn't be being honest to our relationship and to myself if I didn't sit here and bring up to you that we've had a lot of conversations that I thought we were on the same page about. And the biggest one being we had to live together before we got engaged. And you obviously made the decision to propose. And I said yes. So I'm not faulting that. But I do feel a What, how did you decide to kind of, skip over that part. And because again, I also think you need to take some accountability. You said yes, right? And so maybe he was getting signs from you that you don't know where he's coming from. And so you need to open the conversation, listen to his side of why did he basically choose to forego moving in together and just go right to getting engaged. Talk that through. And then my biggest advice is you guys, a long engagement is not a bad thing. I think again, the pressure from friends and family and optically, who gives a fuck? This is your relationship that you have to live in for the rest of your life. And so a small little thing like, oh, their engagement ended up being three years or four years or whatever it be. That's so much better people judging that than you rushing into something because you're appeasing everyone around you. And then you're a year into a marriage and you're like, I'm miserable. I want a divorce, right? I think you can say to him in order for us to get married, in my opinion, I still need that step, right? And so I want to almost pause on wedding planning or any of that. Let's enjoy this engagement. And with this engagement, I want to move in together and I want to see what engaged life and living together looks like so that we can actually see if like this future is strong enough to then now go to marriage. And if he's like, wait, what the fuck are you talking about? Like, so you're basically saying that it's not a guarantee we're getting married, I think you can say that's not what I'm saying. I'm more just saying I want to honor what I asked of our relationship and what we both agreed on. And I take accountability. I say yes. And I'm so happy I said yes. But we need to do this step first. And I need to focus on this step before I focus on the wedding and all the things that come with it. Oh, it's so it's so hard, guys, because when you're in a partnership and someone goes against the thing that you guys have been planning, it's really hard. And I think that's what I'm saying. I think that's what I'm saying. It's really disorienting. But I encourage every single person to not abandon what they had planned from the start. If you know this is something you need, this is a need of yours. And if this person genuinely loves you, then they should be willing to hold up their end of the bargain and they should be able to walk through that with you. And if he makes you feel crazy, like, well, I just thought we always have sleepovers and it doesn't matter. It's like, why are you trying to rush this with the rest of our lives? And I feel like that's some advice I've given to one of my single friends recently was like, an engagement is so exciting. I so get that. It's so, so, so exciting. But there it's it's also so quick. It's so quick. It's like then you get engaged and then you get married. And then all of a sudden it's like slowing down for a year to two years to three years to five years. Slow down because you've got decades to go. Right. So that time is going to be a tiny little moment where you slow it down to make sure you feel good, that you feel ready. That is going to be so important and imperative for the success of those decades to come. But if you're trying, you're doing it, you're flying the plane and then you're like, oh, my God, and we're already married and oh, my God, we didn't even talk about if we wanted kids and you're like, it's going to feel so much more chaotic. Give yourself the time and fuck everyone that puts any pressure on you, especially people that are just like, oh, my God, we're already just saying it because that's what they think they're supposed to say. They actually don't give a fuck. They don't care if you have a long engagement. And if they are projecting that it's like a big issue that you have a long engagement, well, that's also weird on them. Why is that a big issue? Because you're insecure in your relationship that you need to get married that quickly. You need to seal the deal that quickly from engagement to marriage. It has to happen immediately. Why? Why do we do that? I don't know. I literally don't even understand that. Why is there like even like a normal amount of time to wait or whatever? Like, who cares? I get if it's like it's been 10 years and they've been engaged. I'm like, OK, but like, I think that like one to three year range, four year range, like, OK, who cares? Do you? OK, I feel good. Do you guys feel good? I feel like we kind of hit a lot of different topics. I feel like we got a lot off our chest. I feel like we, you know, relived the glory days of Alex and her bad hair extensions. And yeah, I feel like this was a productive Sunday. I hope that I cured every single Sunday scary that you had. I hope that, you know, tomorrow, Monday, it's going to be a blessed day. You're going to thrive. OK, you are going to walk into work or walk into wherever you've got to walk into. And you are just going to succeed because daddy gang, it's going to be a good week. Love you guys so much. And, you know, the drill. I will see you fuckers on Wednesday. Goodbye.