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Speaker 3♪ music playing ♪ Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 101, and today's episode, Unplugging Our Children, I'm talking about tech, electronic devices, and ways we can help our children find balance. Now, before I start, I just want to share some super exciting news. How Not to Screw Up Your Kids will soon be a two-episodes-a-week podcast. The extra episode, I'll be answering listener questions. So, if you would like your question answered, which I'm absolutely pretty sure pretty much every parent is likely to be grappling with too, then please send it in to me on contact at drmaryhand.com. Now, there are more exciting things to share about this new episode, and I will keep you posted. We have already had some listener questions in. Which have been recorded, but we are always looking for more. So, please, please do send those in. Back to this week's episode. Now, is it possible, let's answer this question first, I guess. Is it possible to unplug children completely? Now, I'm guessing that if the simple answer is absolutely. If this is part of the values that is really important to your family, there are many parents that are raising their children completely unplugged from devices. Are you going to screw up your kids if you do that? Absolutely not. I think what we need to fundamentally remember is that we are all CEOs of our family. We create the culture and we decide on those foundations of that build, what are the important values for our family? And there's been plenty in the news. I've shared it in my newsletter about Sophie Winkleman, who has removed her children from their private school because they were introducing work being done. And she felt very strongly that she didn't want her children engaging with technology at that young age at school. So, it is possible to do that. I think it's really important that what we need to remember is to be compassionate as parents and not make judgments on other parents. So, I think we need to make those choices. We need to decide for our family what is right for us. So, yes, it is possible to completely unplug your children, but it needs to be something that is absolutely common. Conscious, if you're choosing that your children are not going to be on devices for some considerable time, and you've got to be thinking through how we then going to manage those particular situations. This week's episode, I'm going to really be talking about how can we find, well, how can we help our children and our teens find some form of balance? So, our children are already using electronic devices to some extent, or we're considering that process of introducing electronic devices, and it's how do we do that in such a way where we can help create rules and frameworks and boundaries which instill that balance? And then ultimately, because remember, we're reverse engineering, we're working with the end in mind, how can we help our children then ultimately be able to self-regulate and find their own balance? So, this is what I'm going to be looking at. Now, I think it's probably worth mentioning initially is how will we know, that our teen or our child could benefit from unplugging? So, what are some of the signs? Now, I think that we should be finding balance always, but it may well be that there are some patterns of our children's behaviour or things that we notice that really alert us to the fact that actually, do you know what, we really need to be doing something about this unplugging, and we need to be looking at it now. So, these are some of the things that I would say are patterns, patterns of behaviour, things that you are seeing that really are a very strong nudge that you should be implementing the six strategies that I'm going to be looking at with you. So, first of all, this is, if you've got children who are relying on devices for their entertainment, if, now that there's a difference here from using devices in a way to entertain, but also looking able to entertain themselves with other things. But if your child is pretty much using devices for all of their entertainment, then you really ought to be looking at unplugging. It may well be that you are, that's one sign. Another sign is that you're having regular power struggles over technology. So, this is like it's becoming a constant battle every night, every other night or every time that they have technology that you're having battles. That's another indicator that we should be looking at some ways of unplugging. It could be that bad habits have succeeded. Now, not only for our children, but also potentially for us and as a family. So, again, it's looking at, have we got into bad habits? Are they straight on their electronic devices when they come home? Are there other electronic devices at the table? If you go out for a meal, are there electronic devices at the table? So, it's just thinking through some of these. The fourth one is that, you know, this is another indication that actually we should be looking at unplugging because you're noticing that you're losing connection time as a family. It's that actually you don't connect together very often. Maybe it's just mealtimes or maybe you're not even connecting at mealtimes. And then the final one is that tech and device time is impacting sleep. So, those for me are the five indicators that you probably should be doing something about unplugging and you need to be doing something about unplugging now. So, that's the first bit. But why should our teens or our children be unplugging? Why should our teens or our children be unplugging? Because my view is, I'm not a massive fan of extremities in any shape or form. For me, it's all about instilling balance. So, it's about creating habits about our children unplugging on a regular basis. But why? Why is this really important? Well, the first reason is it allows for connection, not only within our family, but also for our children and teens to connect regularly with their friends. So, it's really important that they have periods of time, and an expectation that they unplug regularly. The other is that it just simply enhances creativity. Exposing, our children exposing themselves regularly to things beyond electronic devices, it is likely to create creativity and enhance creativity because they're not tuned in or narrow focused in how they entertain themselves, where they gather their information from, where they read, and all of these other aspects. So, that's why it's really important that their downloads, downtime, and their days is split across multiple different pockets. The third reason why it's really important that we should be unplugging regularly is it boosts our children and our teens' social and emotional skills. Now, of course, our teens use their devices to stay social, but it's not the same as boosting those skills in a face-to-face situation because ultimately, remember, we're working with the end of mind. These tools are not going to be able to do that. Young children that we are caretakers of then become adults that then have to navigate the world and have to hold down jobs and get on with other people and manage conflict within a workplace and all of these other aspects of adulthood and life beyond home. And so, if they're not practising those social and emotional skills, and they're only on devices, then it doesn't help them to practise those, learn from them, and also engage. and that much more intimate level so it's really important that our children and our teens unplug regularly because it helps boost their social and emotional skills the fourth thing is it just encourages them to be outside at one with nature at one with the elements much more regularly now i know some of you will be listening to this and will be thinking you're really struggling to get your children or even your teens outside and that may still be the case even when they're unplugged but you stand a much better chance of getting them outside and connecting whether that's going for a walk whether that's walking to school and whether that's doing some physical sports bouncing on a trampoline whatever that might be but you stand a much better chance of being able to do that and getting them outside if they're not constantly on their devices so we have to create the opportunity first of all so it's not that well if you know if i get them off their devices they're still not going to go outside let's get them off their devices first let's create some space let's create the opportunity and then eventually over time we will get them out of there more and the last one the last sort of reason why it's really important that our children and our teens unplug regularly is that it allows for unhelpful habits to be broken when our children and our teens are on their devices constantly without a regular break-in in that in that use habits become incredibly entrenched and it's the unhelpful habits that are really entrenched if we have regular times where they are unplugged it helps those unhelpful habits to become broken or to be disrupted in such a way so that the new habits can be made so that's kind of the background and the context so i'm going to share with you i think sort of six six ways that we can look at this now whether you call it detox or tech free time it's about fundamentally choosing what works best for your child and teen and your family and incorporating regular non-tech time as well as the as and when needed emergency detox so it may well be that you might do an emergency detox for a teen whose social media maybe is really affecting their mental health and so that might be an emergency detox that's an as and when emergency detox let's just you know take these apps off our phone and give ourselves some time away i think at the bare minimum we need to be scheduling in tech free time into our into our children's daily lives and their daily week but you get to choose what works for your family now the first two strategies i'm going to talk about for me are massive non-negotiable foundations you know that i talk often about this analogy that our role as their parents as our children's parents is to provide the foundations initially on which our children's building rises and then we turn into the scaffolding for me the first two strategies that i'm going to talk about are part of those basic foundations and the first one and they and i feel very strongly about this the first one is that tech has no place at meal times this also includes when you are out i am sorry i'm not trying to make any judgment here but i am genuinely horrified when i do eat out the number of children the number of families and also i would say the number of couples who are sat out having meals where they are on electronic devices i think that's an absolute no-go now if you've got into the habit of using tech to either distract entertain or keep your children amused i really and i say this with love it needs to stop meal times are prime times for you as a family to connect and talk you need to invest in this time when your children are younger even if there's likelihood that they're going to be bored in a particular situation in a restaurant but if we don't invest in that time even when it is difficult when they are younger to ensure that those lines of communication stay open then we stand no hope in hell when they are older and i'm genuinely i'm not saying this with any judgment if you have found yourself in this trap maybe you've got a child who is a real fussy eater and you really struggle to get them to eat and maybe you find that having
Speaker 1therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough it shows up in the smallest moments you bite your tongue instead of escalating you put your phone down instead of firing off that text you say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most nobody applauds those moments but they quietly change your life that's what growing feels like and that's exactly what grow therapy is here for grow is therapy that works covered by insurance sessions average 21 with insurance and some pay as little as zero dollars depending on their plan there are no subscriptions no long-term commitments you just pay per session grow connects you with thousands of high-quality licensed therapists across the u.s offering both virtual and in-person sessions nights and weekends you can search by what matters like insurance specialty identity or availability and you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days not the national 48-day average see if you could pay as little as zero dollars for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash a cast that's growtherapy.com slash a cast growtherapy.com slash a cast availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan
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Speaker 3ipad playing a particular television program is a great way to get them to eat we've got to deal with the root issue here if you've got an issue if you've got a child who if you go out and you're going out for a meal it's going to be problematic and tantruming and and just being challenging in their behavior again we've got to deal with the root the tech might sort of manage something in that moment it may be a temporary quick fix but we have to get to the root and to the fundamentals and if we can't help our children become unplugged in those difficult situations we really are going to be facing a massive uphill struggle so for me tech 100 has no place at mealtimes and that includes us so we need to be putting tech completely away from the table and having tech free time for meals so that's the first one and we need to start by modeling that whether you know we're waiting for a work email we can just park it for a certain amount of time because what then happens is mealtimes can be an opportunity to connect now of course there are times that we're going to need to entertain our children and sometimes then we may well use that tech but there are other ways and means that we can keep our children amused and connected as a family around mealtimes that don't involve tech so that is number one number two is tech also has no place in bedrooms when you sleep all right now i say that about bedrooms when you sleep because i know that some children need to study in their rooms as there simply isn't enough room in the family space to work and i know that some children need to study in their rooms as there simply isn't enough room in the family space to work and children do like to use their bedrooms as their living space they like to watch films stream shows scroll through their social media facetime their friends you know we don't live in massive houses with multiple rooms that our children can kind of switch in and out of so i understand that i genuinely do my honest view is if we want to encourage our children and teens to make good choices around how long they spend on their devices and encouraging them to do other things we just can't do that when they're in their bedrooms out of sight out of mind and alone because that time just disappears we don't realize we think they've only been upstairs for half an hour and actually they've been up there for hours and hours now ultimately you have to make the decision which works for your family and i believe at a minimum there should be absolutely no electronic devices in bedrooms yours and your child's and this also includes television screens bedrooms are for sleeping now if you have got a child or a teen who does their homework in their bedroom who likes to stream in their bedroom and all of these other things and you have made the decision for your family that that's works that that's part of the kind of the culture that you're creating and that's you're happy with that then that's a decision that you make but we then have to make sure that our children pack up and our teens pack up their electronic devices and that they then take them out of the bedroom and then the bedroom is redressed for bedtime in order to facilitate good sleep habits and fundamentally sleep is crucial for our emotional well-being it's crucial for memory it's crucial for consolidating what we've learned it's crucial for helping our children reset their batteries and start their days fresh so it's really crucial in so many aspects so it is really important that we invest in these really clear boundaries around technology and bedrooms so it's really important that if we do have these scenarios with technologies in bedrooms that we then encourage our children to redress the room take the technology out and then make their bedroom a bedroom again so it's ready to go to sleep so those two are in my views absolute non-negotiables if you are grappling with these already my view is don't start introducing any of the other strategies until you've got those ones absolutely nailed down because they're really crucial ones that we need to kind of you know really get a handle on so tech has no place at mealtimes and tech also has no place in the bedrooms now let's look at other ways that we can do that so let's look at other ways that we can do that so let's look at other ways that we can help encourage this sort of tech free time the third one i think really genuinely is that there is no magic bullet as they say what works for your family is likely to be different to what works in another so when we're looking at creating tech free time it's about trying and tailoring and adapting and modifying and doing it collaboratively with your family so it's this notion that we need to have these specific periods of time each day and each week where we are free from technology so that we can allow our creativity we can allow ourselves to do other things and it's communicating that regularly with your family so big fan of sunday planning meetings having conversations around you know want to introduce if you haven't already introduced it so this notion of wanting to introduce some specific period of time where we're all unplugged if you haven't if you're not managing that at mealtimes then start with just simply at mealtimes there will no longer be electronic devices we're going to place them out on a particular counter or in a particular place or charging so that when we eat there are no electronic devices or we're going to trial having no electronic devices between this time and this time each day whatever it is it's having that conversation that we need to unplug how can we do that when's the best time let's sort of talk about this collaboratively as a family it's something that you as a family together you talk about regularly and that you just keep it's trial and error it's tailoring and it's understanding to collectively how you can work and do that and actually taking ownership and responsibility together as a family and also this trying to avoid getting into this lecturing about technology but much more discussion around it's really important for all of our well-being that we unplug and i know you know and being honest if you're someone who's finding it difficult to unplug yourself and you're constantly on your phone even if it is checking work things it's being honest about that i know it's something that i need to address so let's see how we can do this as a family i'm going to hold you to account but i want you to hold me to account when you find me not adhering to the rules let's do this collectively we're in this together as a family let's help each other let's see how it works and then let's review let's try one particular way of doing it for a week let's see how we get together and talk about it what's worked what hasn't worked what would we want to do exactly the same next week are we going to try something different so it's understanding that there's no magic bullet as they say what works for you may well be different to what works from a different for a different family so it's just trialing an error so that's number three number four is that we need to realize this is not a one hit wonder we don't have one conversation about unplugging we don't put in one rule for unplugging or we make one arrangement and expect to have that just once and then it's done expect to be having conversations about unplugging managing tech detoxing all of the time it is pervasive it is ever present in our children's world so we will be having conversations around this at every age and stage that our children go through you know you might be listening to this thinking oh i'm so pleased i don't have any of these problems with my child they just come off their tech immediately that i asked them to and that's great and you may well be one of the very fortunate few that will never have an issue with it but most families will have a real battle with at least one of their children but often all around this so expect to be having conversations about this regularly and also expect that you're going to be reviewing testing trialing regularly and there'll be some periods of time where the challenges will be massive and that you'll be finding yourself battling all of the time so it's this you know managing your expectations as well so that's number four number five is remembering that this is all about balance we don't want to go extremes either way it is about finding balance and then being able to communicate that balance with our children as well we're not saying that they can't have tech and having devices at all we're not allowing them to just have them all of the time we're not allowing them to just have them all of the time we're helping them understand that our role as their parents is to help them find balance which we will do initially on their behalf but then we are really our end goal is to help our children find their own balance recognize when they have been on their devices too much recognizing when during the day they ought to be coming off their devices recognizing how they need to be able to remind themselves to come off devices because we all know what it's like we can think we're on our device for five minutes and we've been on there for a really long time and get that done that rabbit hole of whatever it is that we're looking at and realize that we've been on it for hours so it's it's helping them understand that we're going to we're going to start with helping them find balance you know the idea is that we're helping them find their own balance and what works for them and what works for us as a family so it is all about balance it's not about extremities but it's about a consistent application of balance balance isn't just finding sort of periods of time where they're where they're plugged and they're unplugged balance is also about us being balanced about being consistent that we're not all over them about their tech one day and then completely absent in terms of managing tech another day it's us also finding balance in the consistency with which we apply the unplugging balance rules within our family so it's really important to remember that and then the sixth one you know you've probably guessed it role model we need to role model good tech and device management ourselves so it's this notion that children are much more likely and teens are much more likely to do what they see than what we say so the tech rules that we instill the talking about balance the unplugging these apply to the whole family it's a family affair and applies to absolutely everyone we are not sort of exempt from this we are not exempt from this we are not exempt from this we need to be modeling good habits we need to be modeling unplugging we need to be modeling that behavior to our to our children and to our teens because otherwise if they're not saying it to you out loud they're certainly going to be thinking it it's one rule for us and a completely different rule for you and whilst you might say well you know goodness me mary and i'm the adult i'm the parent i get to decide i pay the bills after all yeah that's great but if you're saying to our if we're saying to our children that it's really important that we unplug because it's good for our social and emotional health and we need to be modeling good habits we need to be modeling unplugging emotional connections it's great for our creativity encourage us to get outside it helps break um some unhelpful habits it allows us to stay connected and then we're not actually doing it then we've got very little leverage when it comes to unplugging when it comes to finding balance with technology we absolutely need to be exemplifying that above and beyond so this is not a situation where we can say we can be saying that i don't need to be modeling it that it that it can legitimately be one rule for us as parents and another rule for our children and teens because that simply isn't the case technology is forever calling our children and our teens in terms of luring them back to it and the only way we can help them find that balance at the basic level is to be modeling what that good balance looks like this week are going to be these top six strategies as usual in the checklist with some space to reflect because i think this is one thing that we have to expect ourselves to be coming back to regularly and having conversations with our children and teens on a regular basis these serve as that reminder and also as a practical tool remember that you know the first two are the non-negotiables that we need to be working on first of all if those aren't in place so tech is present at meal time and we need to be working on that first of all if those aren't in place and tech is present in bedrooms when our children and our teens go to go to sleep as well as for us that's where we need to start let's start with those two and then start looking at what we can then add on from the remaining four so if you would like the free resource then head over to my free resource library drmaryhand.com forward slash library where you'll find the link to download the resource all you need to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access not only to this week's resource but all the other free resources that we've got for you free resources across all my podcasts at harmony bank we
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