Unmasking the Abuser Episode 8 - Locking the Door Behind You

This is it. We're at Episode 8 of Unmasking the Abuser the Podcast. I'm Dr. Dina McMillan. I'm a social psychologist, domestic violence expert and the author of the book, but he says he loves me. This podcast series is being offered to share the unique, innovative knowledge from my prevention program, also called Unmasking the Abuser. I'm excited because this is the last episode where we're going to expose the primary tactics used by abusers everywhere to entice and deceive unsuspecting teen girls and women into toxic relationships. I told you at the beginning this list of tactics isn't long. These tactics are really a good news, bad news proposition. Let's start with the bad news. The bad news is, abusers tactics are extremely effective. It's why the World Health Organization estimates the risk for women worldwide of being physically or sexually abused by a current or former romantic partner is one in three. That's more than 1.16 billion girls and women. The risk is lower in Western cultures, but not by as much as you may expect. It's one in four. That's 25% of the women standing next to you on public transport, sitting in your classroom, sharing coffee and cake in the shared kitchen in your office, laughing along with you when you're in the movie theater. Abusive relationships are way too common and even more so when you realize most of them don't involve regular physical assault of any kind. Coercive control is the cornerstone of abusive relationships. Your life can be ruined by a man who never puts his hands on you and anger. But guess what? We now have the knowledge teen girls and women can use to recognize danger and get away from the devious individuals trying to bait them into a toxic relationship. That's good news. That's great news. The tactics used by abusers are easy to recognize once you know what to look for. Their moves are consistent because abusers use the same ploys and in the same order each time. And they're universal. So this knowledge I'm sharing with you can help teen girls and women all over the world. I also think it's good news that abusers start using their tactics from their first approach of a new target. It means it's easier to notice trouble and exit quickly before his skillful use of tactics gets you emotionally, practically, or even financially attached to the abuser. In spite of the harsh subject matter, this podcast series is really all about the good news. I meant what I said that possessing this knowledge is like having a superpower. Unlike everyone who doesn't know this crucial info, you'll be able to spot abusers accurately and early when you're first getting to know each other. You won't have to wait until after you really fall for someone, get into a relationship with them, and only then discover everything he's told you about himself and promised about your life together was an illusion. It was an outright lie. You'll know from the start that he's really offering the grimest, most shadowed version of the fairy tale he's trying to sell you. Another way to consider learning this key knowledge. It's like it allows you to see an additional color on the spectrum. Do you remember how they told us when we were learning our colors that the human eye can't really process ultraviolet, the last color on the rainbow? Having this knowledge in your head and being prepared in your heart is like being able to see ultraviolet. And unlike the superpowers in the comics, you'll be able to share that ability so everyone else can see it too. Think of this incredible knowledge like being gifted with a superpower that comes with a 3D printer. You can print out as many capes as you'd like. And here's something about this crucial knowledge that I think is a real shame. Right now, it's not being offered anywhere else. The unmasking the abuser program is the only one that dares to teach everyone how to recognize abusers with accessible, effective information. It's not just another program offering reassurance, along with the few clever tips that you'll recognize only after you're seriously involved. Abusive relationships can be extremely challenging to get out of. I'm glad they offer crisis support to victims, but they don't tell them how they got trapped in the first place and don't help them keep themselves safe for next time. They're largely what my mom would call a day late and a dollar short, however well-intentioned they are. You also can't rely on just having a clear idea of what you want in a relationship. That would work if abusers weren't so adept at pretending they're offering happily ever after. It's critical for you to be able to tell the difference between illusion and reality, between what someone is encouraging you to focus on and what's really hidden behind the curtain. That's what we're doing here. I can also say this, abusers certainly don't like being exposed this way. That's why I'm doing it. I want to keep you and your loved ones safe. Now, if you find the information as useful as I hope you will, please subscribe, leave a comment, and share these podcasts with everyone you know. And be aware, this is not the last podcast. I still need to give you some key tips on what to do if you're targeted by an abuser. Let me give you a hint, saying no thank you won't work. I'm going to do a podcast with some very basic insights on how our brains work. So you can understand why and how abusers clever moves work so well, even if you start off confident and emotionally healthy. I also want you to know how to spot manipulation being used in someone else's relationship and be aware of how the tactics vary somewhat when the abuser is a woman trying to trap a man. There's also critical knowledge you should have if the abuser isn't aiming for romance. Abusive relationships also happen in friendships, work relationships, and family dynamics. In addition, in earlier podcasts, I mentioned how some abusers charm and make allies out of the family and friends of the woman they're targeting for romance. It's good for you to be able to spot these ploys if they're tried out on you. Let's keep going. Before we head into the last set of tactics used by abusers, I want to mention a comment I receive. Someone told me that listening to this podcast series brought to mind someone they'd grown up with and the way he'd behaved. They knew they didn't like him at the time and he'd made them feel uncomfortable and now they know why. I have to say I get that all the time. When I'm offering a seminar or conducting a workshop and start going through the tactics, I watch the expressions on people's faces as their light bulbs turn on. It's pretty standard for people to approach me afterwards and say, "I knew it. I knew he was manipulating me or her or someone else." When people come to the seminar in pairs, I often see one person nudging the other one and whispering, "See, I told you that's something I enjoy about sharing these insights. They're crucial and key. They're also simple to understand and easy to recognize. But that's the big issue when we're talking about influence methods. In order for them to work, they have to be hidden in plain sight. They're right out there where everyone can see them if they pay attention. Yet people are pressured, both subtly and more obviously, to ignore their persuasion moves, to call them something else, or to pretend they're not making any difference to our thoughts, beliefs, or behavior. It's startling how often people will ignore something obvious because everyone else seems to be doing so too. It's trained, compliance to social norms, values, and attitudes. It reminds me of the fairy tale we grew up with as kids, where no one mentions that the emperor is actually naked. We often feel smug reading that story, but it's an allegory, a story with a real life lesson, not just entertainment. It's a cautionary tale about how far people will go and how much they're willing to pretend in order to please those in power, or or to fit in with each other. We'll overlook glaring issues and harms if we believe everyone else is doing the same. The people we identify with as being part of our group, or the people we admire and follow. A lot of harm is overlooked if it becomes trendy. We'll often do this without thinking about it. When someone comes along, a child, or a person with a different culture or a different perspective, and they don't comply, we'll note how they're treated, so we'll know the consequences of not doing what's expected. It can be unnerving to realize how much we're all influenced by each other. We'll often adjust without even giving it much thought, just moving as expected, like following a line of people heading for a train. Add in someone with an agenda, like a political or social justice movement, or an abuser, and we can be putty in their hands. We've already been trained to allow others to interpret the world for us, to tell us what's right and wrong, what should be shrugged off, versus what should be a deal breaker. So I should be upfront about something here, alerting you to stand back and more objectively watch and interpret what's happening, so you can spot a potential abuser, is also going to sharpen your skills, regarding other types of influence. That superpower I keep talking about, is going to help you note the naked emperor too. You'll start looking at the content, in TV, film, add campaigns, and you won't be an automatic buy-in. You'll start asking yourself poignant questions about the truth of what you're being told, and the agenda of those who are telling you. Forget about woke. That's become too trendy a term to be useful. I want you to be aware, and I'm letting you know, after we get through the entire series of unmasking the abuser, I'm going to do a podcast series on influence. I don't just want you to be protected against abuse. I want you protected against manipulation overall. Before we go there, let's return to abuse and abusers. Today we're going over the last three tactics. All three are incredibly forceful in reducing your self-worth, keeping you anxious and on tender hooks, and fortifying your bond to the man who's mistreating you. The first up is a triple whammy. It's rage, anger, and vindictiveness. In some ways, it's easier to discuss the obviously harsh and aggressive behaviors performed by these men. That's what people expect when you use a harsh term like a abuser to label someone. But I've lost count of the number of women who've come to me who didn't realize they were in an abusive relationship because they believed an abuser is violent and harsh all the time. And their partner could be nice sometimes, could be vulnerable sometimes, could be generous sometimes. But the ratio of positive to negative attitudes and behaviors declines fast once the target is emotionally attached to the abuser. And his simmering rage and frequent anger are always just beneath the surface. Once a woman has spent any time with an abuser, even during the good times when he's trying to be nice, she can't fully enjoy it because she's bracing herself for the onslaught when and if anything doesn't go exactly as planned or he becomes frustrated or he gets triggered by something that happened in his past. Then the sky opens up and she has to run for cover, sometimes literally. Rage and anger are woven throughout the abusive relationship even during the early grooming phase. I mentioned that abusers won't let something drop if you disagree with their view or won't change your preference. They'll keep bringing it up, chipping away until they hope you'll get tired of the conflict or emotional discomfort and give in. You may not really change your thinking, you'll just think it's not worth all the negativity to keep pressing your point. Many abusers will then offer their target a reward so she'll be even more inclined to comply with his opinions or views the next time. It's operant conditioning, simple reward and punishment and you're training yourself to submit to this guy. The misattribution we discussed before is also useful here. Most targets quickly note how temperamental and easily angered abusers become over small points of disagreement or inconvenience or if you're not available when he wants you. Abusers will then label their excessive and highly explosive reactions as passion, caring, concern, protectiveness, yada, yada, yada. And there's an additional sting to the tail as well as being easily annoyed, angered, enraged. Anytime you do something the abuser doesn't like or approve of, he'll vindictively punish you. I mentioned in episode two when I discussed abusers' psychology that their motto should be never forgive, never forget. They'll do the most vindictive things to hurt you, weeks, months or even years after the event. They'll also bring up anything you did wrong or any flaw you have at every argument. Year after year. At the same time, when they do bad things, if they say sorry, whether or not they mean it, they'll become enraged if you ever mention it again. Double standard, remember? One of the ways abusers' show vindictiveness is with the second tactic today, broken promises. Throughout the relationship, the abuser will break promises to punish you, to arbitrarily hurt you, and to keep you anxious and uncertain. Some of the promises they make at the beginning when they were love bombing you or using the fairy tale lore were never going to be kept. Most of us don't make promises we don't intend to keep. Most of us also project our values onto other people. So if we're strong about keeping our word, we'll expect our romantic partner to do the same. Even years after they'd left the relationship, many of the survivors I interviewed were still shocked and appalled at how easily and arbitrarily their abusive partner would give his word, swear on a stack of Bibles, promise in front of witnesses, and then immediately break that promise at the first opportunity. When you're with someone who breaks their word without notice, it's jarring and anxiety-producing. That's what I meant about living on Tenter Hooks. The expression is defined as, quote, being in a state of tension, anxiety, or suspense. End quote. Yep, that's it. Living like this, wondering if your partner will suddenly explode in a rage or break an important promise without notice is hard on you, emotionally, psychologically, and physically. I'm going to do an episode soon on the impact of living with an abuser. It's overwhelming, even if you're not physically afraid. One of those impacts is found in the next and last tactic used by abusers that I call the push pull. They constantly do things that push you away followed by something to pull you in closer. It's like living on sand that shifts constantly under your feet. And you know it's going to burn your skin if you fall. The push pull tactic is called intermittent reward in psychology. It's providing something positive without allowing the receiver to know when or if to expect it. Even when this method is used on birds, providing tasty food on a random schedule, they're more likely to get addicted to pressing the lever that releases the food than if the food came every time they pressed. Here's another reason we're going to do an episode about the brain. The push pull actually creates a stronger and more resilient bond than if you were with someone who was moderately nice the entire time. It's those big positive gestures combined with those hot, scary rages. It's getting caught up in emotional fantasies of a wonderful future followed an hour later by ranting jealousy that makes your stomach clench. It's the abuser kindly paying a long overdue bill so you can finally sleep through the night, except he now wants to talk until the early hours, even when you tell him you have to get up early the next day. It's him telling everyone you're going to be his wife than comparing you cruelly with all of his previous partners. It's him crying and saying he's never loved someone as much as you. Then becoming so controlling of your movements, you find it hard to breathe. Up, down, push away hard, pull in closely. Here's the problem. The feeling and emotional parts of our brain love intensity. They cling to it far more than moderate safety. What the heck? You'll see when we discuss the brain how it's not always our friend. Some of its processing methods and interpretations leave us in deep poo. Add this to the list of why it's so important to get away from an abuser as quickly as possible. If you start getting caught up in the drama, the parts of your brain that choose your romantic partners will make excuses for not moving on. Even while the rational part of your mind knows you're setting yourself up for object misery. Oh, I'm sorry. You thought you had complete control of your romantic choices? And not likely. Some people can make a long list of ideal qualities and pick someone who has them all. But unless the emotional and sexual parts of your brain agree, that relationship will be robotic. It's only going to last until and unless someone comes along that sparks your feelings and your desires. Don't worry, you can change your taste. So you'll love and desire someone emotionally healthy. We'll talk about that in future episodes, too. In the meantime, knowing you're exposed can keep you safe. It can keep you from entering danger because you'll know you're not shielded. You won't overestimate your protection. Gavin DeBecker wrote a fantastic book called The Gift of Fear. I'm not trying to make you overly fearful, but some fear is actually useful. It's actually a survival mechanism. I've met too many women who landed in abusive relationships because they were smart and savvy and mistakenly believed those characteristics would protect them. No, they won't. If you don't get away from the moves being used on you buying a abuser, you're heading for trouble. You have to get away. You have to get away quickly and you have to get away completely. That's what we're going to discuss next episode. Now that you know the most common tactics used by abusers, it's important to know how to handle it if you're targeted. I didn't just put together a list of random suggestions. The tips I'm going to give you are designed with an understanding of how the brain works, so they're more likely to be effective if they're used. We'll also show ways to determine if you've classified someone too quickly. You know, Maslow's saying, if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. When you learn the tactics, it can be easy to just dismiss someone as a potential abuser too soon. I want you to be informed and wary, not clued in and paranoid. Don't worry, it won't be complicated. Do you have any questions, comments, stories you'd like to share? Please contact me at [email protected]. That's unmaskingpodcast, all one word at gmail.com. I'm also available for seminars or interactive workshops with fully customized information. Participants will be taught what fits into their lives, their circumstances, and the ways they'll use the information. In the meantime, next episode will go over the ways you can keep yourself safe if you're targeted. You'll have to be prepared so you'll recognize what it looks like, what it sounds like, and the feelings that may be roused in you by the abuser's methods. For warned, is for armed. So put your cape on. I look forward to next time on unmasking the abuser, the podcast. I'm Dr. Dena McMillan.