Unmasking the Abuser Episode 7 - Alone Together

It's hard to believe we're already at episode seven of Unmasking the Abuser, the podcast. Thank you for joining me. I'm Dr. Dina McMillan. I'm a social psychologist, domestic violence expert, and the author of the book, Buddy Says He Loves Me. I've also developed an abuse prevention program I offer internationally. That's also named Unmasking the Abuser. In fact, the material in these podcasts is taken from the lectures, seminars, and workshops in that program. You may be wondering why I'm offering a unique, copyrighted set of materials for free online as a series of podcasts. I'm doing this because my purpose in developing my prevention program was to share key insights about abusers and expose the tactics they use so successfully to build their toxic relationships. Having this knowledge is like having a superpower that gives you the ability to spot abusers and do so early. You'll be able to see right through their deceptions, no matter how skilled they are, and how practice their manipulations. No one else is providing this crucial information to the public. Abusers certainly don't want you to know how to recognize who they are underneath their masks. Abusers work hard using illusionist tricks to hide the truth and to get you excited about an ideal future that in reality is all smoke and mirrors. If they showed you who they really are and what they're really offering, you'd run fast and far. Podcasting this information allows me to reach the widest audience possible. It's free for you to listen wherever you are in the world. It's free for you to share, which I hope you'll do if you find the insights useful. Here we go through Abusers tactics. I'm even going to give you tips on what to do if you're targeted by an abuser. We'll also have an episode on how to spot these tactics being used onto someone else, whether that person is a family member, or a friend, or even a coworker, or a client. I hope you're ready. It's time to get going. Last time in episode six, we discussed three major tactics used by abusers. One of those tactics, misdirection, was described as a tool used by magicians where they purposely distract the audience so the audience doesn't see how the trick is performed. A variation of this is used by abusers during the earliest phase of a new romantic relationship. In this case, it involves distracting the target with something big, splashy, and thrilling. It's done to turn the target's attention away from something the abuser did that was hyper-controlling, cruel, or even scary. I wanted to mention how this tactic morphs a little once the relationship is established. Once the relationship becomes committed, unless he also fears his partner is going to call the police, or even leave the relationship, they usually don't bother with the showy gift or big gesture, just because they've been caught doing something terrible. Instead, they'll use deflection. They'll say, "Well, what about what you did?" Or, "You're not perfect. What about the terrible mistakes you make, or have made in the past?" Abuser means the abuser will turn the discussion onto any fault or blunder the victim either revealed to the abuser during the early phase of their relationship, or a mistake she's made in the time they've been together. The abuser will then make a colossal drama out of whatever it is. His partner will be so busy defending herself she may not recall until later that the discussion began because of something bad that he'd done. Think of deflection as a mean version of misdirection. Instead of a gift, you get blame and heartache. Now we're almost to the end of the list of primary tactics, so you probably notice quite a few of them involve encouraging the target to expose herself to the abuser. Her problems, past mistakes, things she's self-conscious about, and any weaknesses. She's also pushed to reveal her heartfelt hopes and dreams, especially though she doesn't think she'll ever achieve. This is akin to a rabbit, revealing to a fox, the exact location of his Warren, what time of day he comes out to look for food, and where he goes to find it. It's handing your predator everything he needs to hunt you down and successfully destroy you. But like a snake mesmerizing a mouse, it doesn't look or feel like that at the time if the abuser has skill. Abusers are adept at making themselves seem safe, caring, and supportive. That persona is thin though and it has holes if you dare to look. That's what I'm encouraging you to do to look closely and to use your new superpower, your knowledge of abuser's tactics to keep yourself from being deceived, to keep yourself from being drawn in, to recognize both how these tactics look and sound, as well as the feelings they may rouse inside of you. You'll know now not to just trust your reactions. You know now not to automatically classify what's happening as being due to the rightness of what's going on. You'll know what your feeling could be just subconscious responses beyond your control, and the only thing you know they mean is that this person knows how to stimulate these emotions and feelings of attraction. It doesn't mean it's real, genuine, or right. It means pay attention, this person is doing things to influence you. He's trying to get you to like him and trust him and make plans with him before you have a chance to really know him. If what's happening is real and not a ploy, he won't mind you being careful. He won't press you if you ask him to slow down. If he's genuine, he won't just verbally agree. His actions will also match his acceptance. If he's an abuser just pretending to be your perfect mate, he may verbally agree if you ask the same things, but he'll keep pressing you. Speaking about your emotions is a good way to lead into this episode today. We're going to cover three more tactics. That means we'll only have three left that we'll discuss next episode. But that doesn't mean we'll be finished. We still have a lot to talk about. I need to help you know what to do if you're targeted. I need to show you how to spot the ploys being used on someone else. I promised I'd also show the men listening how to spot female abusers and give them some insight on what they should do if that happens. But that's what's coming. Let's start with our discussion for today. The first tactic I want to reveal is one I call you and me against the world. This one is incredibly powerful. Like most of the tactics it begins really early. Some of the foundation for it is being sprinkled into the conversations from your first meal or time alone with an abuser. Back in episode two, I described an early version of this that's used by abusers who are trying to entice a confident woman in their trap. That version is called on your side. It involves moving in as the bestest friend ever ready to chat and to support the target whenever she needs it. With you and me against the world, the abuser will start claiming his target as his committed partner from their first lengthy encounter whether this happens at a meal or on the telephone or via video conference or even after a back and forth online. He'll start by saying although it's very early in the relationship that it's very obvious to him that this is something special. This is something wonderful. This is something that needs to be protected. He may be joking, not joking and call you his girlfriend or his future wife. He'll assure you he's never felt like this before. He'll emphasize that for both of you it's really important to start prioritizing this special relationship over your relationships with anyone or anything else. He'll get you caught up in stories. stories and promises of your ideal life together. You may recognize this one as the fairy tale lore. And he'll pay close, constant attention to you. Something very appealing if you've been taken for granted in your past relationships or you're someone who doesn't normally attract a lot of male attention. The abuser will talk at length about anything and everything. He'll ask for minute details about your life and the people you interact with daily. If you complain about someone, he'll take your side and say your reaction and position is the right one. If you get upset about something someone has done to you, he'll reassure you that you're not overreacting and the other person doesn't deserve your loyalty or your respect. And again, he'll emphasize that he's always there for you. That what really counts is your relationship with him, not those other people who don't really care like he does. Have you ever had someone do this to you? Talk with you as long as you like about anything. Take your side when you have a dispute with someone. Reassure you constantly that you're important and that they value their relationship with you, above all others, that it's really you and him against the world. It's easy to underestimate how compelling this can be if you've never experienced it. The word "headie" comes to mind. It gives you a high and makes you feel like you can conquer the world. And it makes you feel loved. It makes you feel appreciated. It makes you willing to overlook a lot to keep that relationship and that level of attention and approval from disappearing. Like all things in life though, there are conditions attached. This isn't really the road to happily ever after. The abuser will expect to be included in any plans you make. He'll invite himself to events where he's the only man or the only partner. He'll tell you it's romantic that the two of you are inseparable. He'll get upset if you use the "i" word about anything you want to plan or do for your future. He's going to insist that from now on everything is we. He'll also demand that you're always available if he contacts you. He'll do this often. When he does, he'll expect you to respond immediately, no matter what is going on in your life at the time. If you don't respond right away when he contacts you, he'll punish you. If you notice that he's still allowed to do things that don't include you, he'll punish you. If you try to do something without him, he'll punish you. He'll check up on you. And if you're not exactly where you told him you'd be, he'll punish you. When the relationship isn't committed yet, the punishments will include him ignoring you. He'll tell you that you're wrong about things where before he was very supportive. He'll show contempt for something you believe in avidly or something you're passionate about. He'll suggest perhaps the relationship may not work out long term. He'll talk about other women and how he may choose one of them instead of you. Once he's more sure about your feelings for him, he'll show his obvious rage. He'll take back an important promise he's made. He won't show up for something the two of you have arranged. He'll go to your next event and do or say something to humiliate you in front of other people. He'll go out alone and let you know he was approached by or even with another woman. He'll scream and yell at you. He'll threaten you. You'll get the message fast. It's really you and me against the world or else. The abusers goal with this tactic is to get you to focus your attention on him at all times making him your priority. Your job is now to satisfy his needs and desires above everyone else including yourself. It's one positive step forward with the attention and the commitment you get from the abuser with so many steps backward you're sinking yourself into a pool of quicksand. You're listening to Unmasking the Abuser podcast with Dr. Dena McMillan. There's an aspect of the tactic you and me against the world that's crucial and yet I've never heard it mentioned by any domestic abuse agency or knowledge resource. I believe it's a tragic oversight when looking at both the tactics used by abusers and the impact of having a relationship with one of these men. It's the second tactic for today that I call feeding the weeds. This tactic got its name because every gardener knows that whatever plant you feed will get bigger and stronger and begin to take over your yard whether it's a desired flower or a vegetable or an irritating weed. To really get this one ask yourself if someone you're close to not only takes your side whenever you have a disagreement with someone else but always convinces you that you were right even when you're wrong. Is that really helping you? Is that a good thing? What if they also tell you to stand up for yourself with your boss and not to back down when she or he says you have to do something as part of your job? What if they try to convince you your parents only criticize your behavior because they really prefer one of your siblings and it's pure favoritism? What if you misbehave and do something out of control and this person responds by telling you it's okay that anyone who objects to what you did has something wrong with them? Over time what effect do you think this would have on you? Would you be a better person? Would you be emotionally and psychologically healthier? Would your relationships with other people be stronger? Do you think you would be more likely to be promoted at work? Knowing the weeds is one of the creepiest tactics in my opinion because it takes any fault you have in your perceptions, your behavior, or your interactions with other people and makes them worse. Using this tactic supports the abusers claim that he's the only one in the world who's always there for you, that he doesn't judge you, that he's the one that really loves you. Leave caveat, his support will disappear fast if your actions or attitudes interfere in any way with your ability to meet the abusers needs. Except for that, you may not recognize until or unless you leave this relationship that all of your shortcomings and faults will have become deeper because the flames were constantly being fanned by the abuser. He celebrated your worst traits, he applauded your most selfish instincts, he encouraged you to devastate your educational opportunities or your job prospects, he prodded you to destroy your relationships with other people, he fortified your greatest insecurities. You ask yourself, why did he do that? What's in it for the abuser? What does he get from feeding the weeds? Well, damaging all of your links to the outside world is going to reinforce your attachment to the abuser and significantly strengthen your dependence on him and your relationship with him. You won't be able to blame him because it will all be things you did yourself. The abuser will participate enthusiastically because it supports the third tactic we're going to look at today, that third tactic is isolation. Abuse thrives in isolation and the hyperjellis and pathologically controlling abuser wants you all to himself. He'll actively do things to ruin your relationships with other people. With feeding the weeds, he'll purposely encourage you to do the same, but he won't stop there, he won't rely just on your bad behavior, insecurities and mistakes to keep you home. He won't trust that your recent mean outbursts and false accusations to your family or friends will get them to reject you. They could forgive you, they could want to discuss it. That's not going to work in the favor of the abuser. He'll do whatever he can to keep you away from other sources of support or influence. If he has the authority, he'll just forbid you from going out or being around other people. If he can't get away with that, he may demand you only see others in the house you share with him, and he'll make sure to do it. He's always in the room. No alone time. He's checking your phone and interrogating you about any calls, money spent, or internet browsing. I've met more than one woman who told me her abusive partner or husband locked them in the house when he left for work each day. One woman I met who lived in a wealthy suburb said her husband not only locked her in, he took the keys and turned off the electricity at the switchboard, the one we often have in the garage. So she wasn't able to watch television or use her computer until he got home and could monitor her movements. Anyone who works in the domestic violence field has more of these stories than they can tell. Nothing shocks us anymore when it comes to abusers, compulsive need for complete control of their partner, or their manic drive, and demand to be the only focus of their partner's attention. When the abuser can't just order you to stay away from everyone else, he'll be more cunning. He'll tell you he's been having sexual dreams about your best friend, the one who doesn't like him, so you won't invite her over again. He'll try to kiss your sister and say she made the first move. He'll keep remarking about how your parents prefer your sister or your brother. He'll try to convince you they criticize him because they want you to go back to your ex. He'll get drunk at your work party and repeat every negative thing you said about your boss or your colleagues in a loud voice, blaming it on the drink the next day, and after all, you did say it. He'll tease you about sexual things in front of your children or in front of your elderly or conservative family members. He'll say cringe-worthy things about you and your relationship, so other people start to feel uncomfortable around him and by extension with you. He'll let you make plans with other people and then claim illness or an emergency at the last minute so you have to cancel. If you still try to go and without him, he'll punish you. Quickly and methodically, the abuser will put in place a multi-pronged strategy to keep you all to himself. He'll punish you for doing anything with other people and ruin it for you when you go places where people like you or they support you emotionally or professionally. Some abusers will still try to get you to isolate yourself. They'll continue flattering and buying gifts for your loved ones and working hard to charm them. That's when the moves he put in place during the building allies and flying monkey stage we discussed in episode 4 will blossom in his favor. The abusers who use those tactics will also rely more on the ploys I just mentioned where they claim your friend or family member made a sexual overture towards them or they admit they feel sexual attraction to another woman to fan your insecurities. These charming abusers will isolate you by being malicious and cruel when you're alone and acting the opposite way in front of other people. That way, if you reveal what he's doing to you, they won't believe you. If he's already sent out the flying monkeys whispering about your jealousy to those people or your record of emotional instability at home or the fact that you say bad things about them behind their backs, he'll be successful. You may find yourself having to defend yourself against completely false accusations. Some of these accusations will be the things the abuser has actually done to you, but he got in first and so you're unlikely to be believed. You'll watch your emotional support system disappear and you may start resisting being around people who's trust you've lost and who are now siding with the man who's mistreating you. You'll ask yourself why you bother. You'll turn down invitations, he doesn't insist you accept because it hurts to see how your loved ones have been so quick to buy his lies and believe his performances. You'll feel alone in a room full of people, people you've loved. And whether he's an openly aggressive abuser or a public charmer, his goal is the same. He wants you to have access only to what he gives you or only what he's approved for you. He wants you only focused on him. Your purpose in life becomes meeting his needs and making him happy or as happy as someone can be when he has so many issues and feels entitled to vent his fury and emotionally brutalize you whenever and wherever he feels like it. If his efforts work and you're isolated and being abused by the same person upon whom you're emotionally, financially and practically dependent, getting out, getting away and staying away will be a serious challenge even with all of the wonderful support services that are now in place. Do you understand now why I work so hard to keep you from getting to this point? Some of these moves will show up very early. When they do, think about how dreadful you'll feel at a later stage if you're home alone without support from any family or friends. Ask yourself if being with this guy is worth it. The answer is no. So if you see it, believe it and act on it. Don't talk yourself out of recognizing and fully processing what you're experiencing. If you have any questions about anything or anyone you encounter, please feel free to contact me at [email protected]. Please also contact me if you'd like to arrange in-person seminars or workshops where I fully customize the information being offered based on who's there. Participants will learn what they need to know to fit their lives, circumstances and how they're going to use the information. The workshops are interactive. This makes it easier for participants to remember and use the relevant information when it's needed. Next episode is our last episode with the tactics laid bare. We're almost done with the tactics. I told you it wouldn't be complicated to learn this information. I think abusers know that too. That's why I'm proud of the fact that they don't want me to share these key insights with you. And my aim is to build your superpower. So let's defy them and get together again here on Unmasking the Abuser, the podcast. I'm Dr. Dina McMillan.