Unmasking the Abuser Episode 6 - Pain Plus Razzle-Dazzle

Welcome to Episode 6 of Unmasking the Abuser Podcast Series, where we expose the secrets abusers don't want you to know. I'm Dr. Dean of McMillan. I'm a social psychologist and domestic violence expert. I'm also the author of a book that clarifies the methods used by abusers to craft their manipulation. The book is called, but he says he loves me. As always, the insights I'm sharing in this podcast are directly from my Unmasking the Abuser Prevention Program. Before we explore today's topics, I want to mention something about this podcast series and my in-person seminars and workshops. Someone contacted me via social media this week and said she's afraid to listen to this series or even recommended because she's still so angry and hurt by her abusive ex-partner. She even said she feels she needs her anger right now. I don't think anything in my work lets abusers off the hook. Once we're adults, if we have issues and we don't try to heal, especially if those issues hurt other people, then we bear the responsibility. Not for the original cause of the issues, but because we refuse to get help. The almost 700 abusers I've interviewed were more than willing to control, demean and brutalize their romantic partners because it made them feel good and it made them feel powerful. In my view, that's not okay. It makes me angry too. Even though my interviews pointed to clear causes for abusers' psychological dysfunctions that had been beyond their control when they were children, another point this woman's response implied is that because I'm exposing the secret moves used by abusers to manipulate their targets into a relationship that I'm somehow blaming the victims for not seeing these warning signs in the first place, nothing could be further from the truth. How could any of us know something we've never been taught? It took me seven years of university education plus a decade of working in domestic violence to figure out what abusers were doing. If my specialty had been anything other than social psychology and the study of influence, I'd probably still be clueless. I've mentioned a few times the key info I'm passing along is not part of the wisdom that comes with age or something that victims of abuse realize after they break free. It's not even something you clearly define and recognize because you work in domestic violence. In my book, Buddy says he loves me, "I credit Robin Brooks, a former director for the Benevolence Society, for her comment that abusers seem to all work from the same handbook." That is such an incredibly insightful remark. Yet, none of the programs I worked in or materials I was given to hand out clearly highlighted abusers manipulation or even discuss the fact that abusers used manipulation. We certainly weren't teaching their poise, tricks, and maneuvers to the teen girls and women that came to see us. In the more than 3,000 interviews with victims and survivors, I didn't meet a single one who realized she'd been manipulated from the start. They didn't know because none of us who worked to support them knew it either. We had a blind spot, a serious one that impacted our ability to help our clients or anyone else who came to us for information or assistance. We have a blind spot in our culture where we're not telling people that it's manipulation that puts so many women at risk that tells us one in four women, even in Western cultures, is going to be physically or sexually assaulted by a current or former romantic partner in her lifetime. No one was preparing women to look out for the clear warning signs. No one was helping victims understand that they'd been manipulated from the very start of their toxic relationship. This absence of critical information is why victims and survivors walk out of an abusive relationship with an increased risk of getting involved in another one. And other than this unmasking the abuser program, I still don't know of any domestic violence prevention programs that show you exactly what abusers do to manipulate their targets. Instead, the programs I see highlighted are all focused on large social issues like gender equality or healthy relationship choices. Those goals are great, but they don't prepare potential victims for the strength and cunning of the manipulation tactics that will be used on them by abusers, the same ones I share in my workshops and in this podcast series. And here's something you may find a little disturbing. When I was interviewing all of those victims and survivors, I kept hearing how their abusive relationship had been perfect at the start. Just the word they used repeatedly, perfect. Many of these victims and survivors truly believed that if their abusive partner got help, he could return to being the attentive, generous man he was at the beginning of their relationship. They viewed his extreme selfishness, hypergellacy, and cruelty as something that could be removed like a splinter from a piece of wood, and that he'd returned to being their ideal boyfriend or husband again. And not so fast. They didn't realize something. It was my interviews with these victims and survivors that exposed how early the manipulation truly began, including the nastiness, the extreme control, the hypergellacy, and the aggression. However during the early part of these relationships, those hurtful or scary things had been overshadowed by the big positive behaviors and gestures that were also being done by their abuser. It was hindsight when these positive behaviors had virtually disappeared that made those early days seem perfect by comparison. It was my interview with abusers that revealed they encouraged this way of thinking in their victims. These guys wanted their victims to believe if she'd just do this better or do that correctly, he'd return to being her knight and shining armor. They wanted her convinced that even if he did something really terrible, he could easily be fixed. Even while telling their victims this, abusers themselves knew better. Their perceptions of themselves and others, their attitudes about life and their own behavior, and their significant personal flaws are all part of their psychology. These things just don't disappear. And bear in mind something that won't surprise you if you've listened to all of these podcast episodes. None of the abusers I spoke with really wanted that bad part of themselves to go away. They believed it protected them and made sure they got what they wanted. They certainly weren't concerned about the needs or rights of their victims, although some would pretend this mattered if it would keep them out of jail or get their victim to come back to their relationship. The openness of the abusers in our confidential sessions helped me understand that it was the attentive, generous, interested, nice guy that was the mask, not the malicious, aggressive manipulator. The negatives are the predominant feature of these men and govern how they relate to their partners. They just feel less need to hide who they truly are, once the relationship progresses to being committed. This is why I believe everyone needs to be able to spot these tactics early and accurately. And you need to be aware at all times, an abuser will grab onto you fast. Their tactics, if done with skill, can overwhelm your senses. That's why I've been helping you see and feel what it would be like to be targeted by an abuser. I want you to recognize your own reactions and view them as a warning bell, not a wedding bell. So are you ready to learn more? As always, if you'd like to reach me with a question or a comment, please email me at [email protected]. That's unmaskingpodcast, all one word, at gmail.com. Now, last time I emphasized that awareness is a verb, not a noun. That once you discover something important to your life, you need to use that knowledge or it just gathers dust in a corner and then poof, it's forgotten. You're being cautioned up front that any knowledge in your head that doesn't inform your behavior is no better than entertainment. It's a plot for a TV show. Please treat yourself better than that. An abusive relationship, even if you leave it quickly, is painful. I want to eradicate as much of that pain as I can, but you have to help me. have to use what you know when and if the situation arises. Be forewarned, getting rid of an abuser after he targets you, takes focus and skill of your own. That's why we're going to have episodes dedicated to what you should do. Speaking of skills, let's put a few more arrows in your quiver of superpowers. Let's cover a few more tactics today. The first tactic is woven into the fabric of many of the other tactics, sometimes in an obvious way and at other times almost hidden in the seams. This tactic, criticism and contempt, is used to lower yourself a steam, raise doubt and create a feeling of unworthiness. Abusers want their partners to be insecure and self-doubting so the abuser can encourage them to give up their independence and fully surrender control over their lives. Their partners will then accept a double standard, frequent mistreatment and will give up their existing goals, dreams and all of their personal relationships except for the one with the abuser at the center. Partners of abusers accept less and endure more because they're taught to believe this is their due. They're taught that they don't have the personal worth to deserve better. In the tactics we discussed in episode five, both love bombing and the fairy tale lore had darker sides. Criticism and contempt are big parts of those weapons, wielded in a manner so the negativity is absorbed and accepted by the target instead of being resisted or becoming incitement to push back. And because I'm thinking about it, let me make a request. Please don't think the love bombing won't work on you. If you're like most of us, those warm personalized compliments and amazing promises will get your hopes up, they're offered to make you feel good. They could make you like him at least a little, even if you weren't so sure when you accepted his offer of coffee or a meal. If love bombing works, that doesn't mean you're naive or desperate. Things have found we like people better when they flatter us. It works even if we know that they're doing it to get something from us. How much better does it feel from a guy who isn't trying to sell us a time share or a new phone? How much stronger does it work when the flattery is tailored to fit us? And then how much more does it hurt when he then makes a little dig about our looks or says something snarky about our clothes or smears at the neighborhood we live in. Those barbs slice even deeper when someone has been very nice and attentive and you're hoping the relationship will go somewhere. It all makes you very vulnerable. You'll start to feel very sensitive. That odd bit of veiled aggression that we discussed before where he makes a snide comment about your family life, your passions, or your current job situation will be torture. He knows that, and that's why he's doing it. It's supposed to hurt. Criticism and contempt are tossed at you to make you doubt yourself. They're done to make you feel inferior and unworthy. Yet all critiques are not created equal. Every type of disapproval is used and experienced differently depending on the motives of the person saying it. Abusers have their own agenda. Let's explore. I want you to think and feel for a moment. Have you ever had someone just blurt out something really nasty and mean to you? Something really hurtful and totally out of the blue. If you're lucky, your answer is no. But many of us unfortunately have experienced this at some point in our past. What's shocking when it happens is that you feel it in your body like a physical blow. You feel pain in your gut. And for a moment, you may find it hard to catch your breath. If what was said was something awful that's been said to you before, or if it's something you know is true, and you're already self-conscious or embarrassed about it, that makes it worse. Now imagine if that same cruel person had been saying really nice things up to that point. He'd been acting as though he liked you a lot. He'd made astute observations. He'd asked thoughtful questions. And he seemed interested in your answers. He suggested he already knows he wants to see you again. Then he pulls out a brutal criticism from somewhere under the table, reaches over, and cuts you with it like a blade. Abusers do this all the time to their targets and their victims. And they do it on purpose. They want it to cause agony, embarrassment, self-consciousness. They'll watch closely to see how distressing it is, and whether you cry or try to cover up the ache. They'll watch you emotionally bleed all over your clothes and note whether you cry or in some other way show how much you're hurt, or whether you try to pretend everything is still okay. Abusers also know ratio matters. In the early days when they're still trying to entice you, abusers will keep their vicious attacks down to a minimum and make sure the rough comments are significantly fewer than the pleasing gestures. The timing of the putdowns in scorn is also important. There may still be the odd throwaway nasty barb tossed out randomly. But the in-depth tirades detailing why your politics are wrong, or your spiritual beliefs are nonsense, or your life goals are childish, will usually emerge only after you turn down an offer, refuse to share an intimate detail, or hesitate to make future plans with the abuser. The harshest criticism and contempt is reserved to be used as punishment. It's part of your training. And no surprise, once the relationship is established and committed to, these harsh words and brutal comments will be tossed your way whenever the abuser is stressed, annoyed, or even bored. He'll treat you like a cat toying with a mouse, making sure not to injure it too badly because he wants to be able to torment it again. And be aware of something else we discuss briefly in episode 5, harsh criticism, disguised as questions, or even a compliment. Are you familiar with the term "negging"? If you're under 35, you probably have heard it before. "Negging" is a slang term for "negative." It's a popular ploy used by men who call themselves "pick-up artists." These guys learn and teach each other emotional manipulation tactics to help them coerce women into having sexual contact with them. If you're asking yourself, are these guys really teaching each other how to be sexual predators? Yes, that's exactly what's going on. One trick is to give an attractive woman who catches their eye, my "negging" compliment. Oh, I love your dress. My mom has one just like it. Or a comment like, "I can tell you cut your own hair. Save the planet, right?" Abusers use "negging" too, but they're playing the long game. They're not just looking for a hook-up. The reduction and self-esteem they're aiming for isn't just to get you to try and depress them or to do something physical that you're going to regret tomorrow. The abuser's negativity is designed to establish a distorted connection between the two of you, where your self-esteem is smashed, your submission to him is extreme and dramatic, and this structure lasts as long as the relationship. It's not just diamonds that are forever, so is the twisted balance of power when you're in a relationship with an abuser. If done with skill, the "negging" criticism and contempt will make you scramble to explain yourself and assert you're not brainwashed or uneducated or whatever he's implying. You're not less than because you grew up where you did, or because your family has challenges. You may find yourself so caught up in self-defense, you're not asking yourself what right this guy has to put down your upbringing or tell you to dress differently. One benefit of criticism and contempt, if you can call it that, is that it's usually evident when it's being used on you. You can tell when someone is putting you down. That's not so clear with the next two tactics, the ones I told you last episode may be a bit of a surprise. The first of these is called "marathoning". No, it's not a guy trying to get you fit by signing up for long races. Marathoning is a tactic of intensity and focus. From the first time you get together, the abuser will try to make every interaction last as long as possible. He'll try to talk you out of going home at the end of the evening, even if you've told him you have something important to do the next day. When you're traveling home in the Uber, he'll text you funny comments or ask questions so you'll keep responding. When you get home and get ready for bed, he'll call you or keep texting anything to get you responding. You've probably revealed a lot of your interests when he's not in the right position. He was love bombing you. He'll pull those interests out and get you talking about them late into the night. The next day, he'll send photos, up links about your interests, funny texts. So what is he trying to do? What does marathoning do? How does it benefit the abuser? That's the question, by the way, to always keep at the forefront of your mind. How does this benefit the abuser? While extended contact like this creates a perceptual distortion called artificial intimacy, you'll feel like you know the abuser well and that you've known each other for a long time. During those extended talks and texts into the night, he can probably return to some of those intimate questions you resisted answering before, and this time gets you to tell him. He may be able to talk you into promising to do something together in the future. Your judgment will be off and you'll be likely to confess and commit to things you wouldn't do in the cold, hard light of day to a man who's virtually a stranger. And the fatigue that goes along with staying up late and talking and laughing, well, really tired people are easy to influence. It's why when you go to one of those "changer life" in a weekend conferences, they'll find excuses to have the participants stay up really late or even offer them incentives for them to pull all nighters. They know the artificial intimacy will play right into their hands as will the fatigue when they're trying to draw further money and further commitments from the people who attended. By definition, marathoning is intense, but it can be relatively easy for abusers to do because they tend to fixate. It's part of their psychological profile. They also have enormous motivation. They know they need specific information in order to shape their manipulative moves and their strategy. They need to know what you want, how you really see yourself, what you regret, and what makes you feel self-conscious if they're going to develop an A one set of enticements and punishments to use with you. It's also good to remember here that abusers are in a hurry. The faster the abuser can build a bond, gain your trust, and get you to fully surrender to his domination, the happier he'll be. Most abusers can fake it well too well, but it does require effort, focus, and concentration to effectively and convincingly disguise who they really are. It doesn't require much research for an abuser to learn how well marathoning works and how quickly. You should know the beginning of a relationship brings no real pleasure to an abuser. It's excruciating. They hate being in a relationship, even a new one, where they don't have complete control over their target. They want her locked in and fast. They're terrified, she'll leave, and anxious, their mask will slip before she's completely in their power. That leads us to the third tactic for today. It's actually another set, somewhat like love bombing and the fairy tale lore. These are two maneuvers designed to remedy the same problem. The abuser messes up and gets caught by his target. I call these two tactics Les Mis. The first Mis is misdirection. Have you ever heard that term before? It describes the methods of magicians and illusionists when they direct their audience's attention somewhere else as a ploy to keep the audience from noticing something the magician wants to hide. It's throwing up sparkles in a flashy scarf, so the audience doesn't see the magician pull the rabbit out from under the table instead of out of the hat. In terms of psychological manipulation, Misdirection is made up of big, showy, positive gestures and behaviors designed to capture the target's attention and that of her friends and family. So she and they pay little or no attention to the rapid pacing of the relationship, the demands, the frequent criticisms, the humiliation and embarrassment, and the barely hidden rage simmering just beneath the surface. Misdirection in real life is a huge bouquet of flowers sent to your office after the first or second date. It's the abuser standing in front of a group of people and stating how wonderful you are or how much he cares about you. It's the promise of that trip to Paris you've been dreaming about all your life, with a firm date set for it to happen or even a set of tickets. The abuser will do all this, so you'll ignore his pathological jealousy where he's giving you grief about all of your male friends, even the ones you've had since primary school, and even the ones who are openly gay. He's contacting you constantly and gets very annoyed if you don't answer immediately no matter what's happening in your life at the time. By the way, this is actually part of a tactic we'll discuss next episode called "You and Me Against the World". The abuser's anger when it appears is unreasonable, and it comes out if you don't agree with his opinions, not just about politics or spirituality or issues that impact your lives, but even about things like which flavor of ice cream is actually the best. He never lets anything drop and will hound you until you back down and agree with his views. Along with all of this, the criticism and contempt are still being peppered through his conversations, even after you tell him something is inappropriate or offensive, or you admit it really hurts your feelings. Miss Direction is designed to get you to ignore how scary the abuser can be. You have to decide whether or not it's going to work on you. The other miss that will turn up at this time is misattribution. This is another fancy term for wrong labels. He'll purposely relabel all of his troublesome behaviors and attitudes, claiming they're actually positive traits. So he's not controlling, he's protective, he's not jealous, he's madly in love, he's not angry, he's passionate, he's not overly picky and difficult, he's just detail-oriented. You can imagine how easily this is done. Considering the abuser does that's problematic for you and that he has no intention of ever trying to change, the abuser simply relables as an asset. It never ceases to amaze me how often abusers get away with this. Most have at least a few convincing arguments on hand as to why their description, their misattribution, is more accurate than what you're claiming about your hurt feelings, embarrassment, or discomfort with his demands for control. If the misattribution doesn't work during the early stages of the relationship, many abusers will just dazzle you with misdirection and love bombing. He'll get you a big flamboyant gift, take you on a romantic getaway or even propose marriage. After the relationship is cemented, abusers will use Darvo in the face of your opposition, the tactic we discussed in episode 4. This means deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. He'll first deny he did anything wrong, he'll try his misattribution or even just outright lie and say it didn't happen or that you're exaggerating for effect. If you don't back down and pretend you accept the abuser's lies about what he did, he'll get aggressive and attack you verbally, emotionally or perhaps even physically, then he'll blame you for everything bad that's happened, saying you're the problem and the abuser is the one who's been victimized by it all. So how are you feeling? Are you surprised, shocked, perhaps horrified? I hope you feel informed and empowered by this knowledge. I want this podcast series to expose the deepest, most hidden and most successful ploys used by abusers, I want you ready so you won't get caught out. The fact abusers really don't want me to share this knowledge is just icing on the cake. If you have any questions, comments or you'd like to arrange in-person seminars or workshops, please email me at [email protected]. Please also contact me if you'd like to discuss financial support for this podcast series. Next episode will go through another three tactics in case you're wondering the total number of tactics left is only six. Not a lot to learn, so please stay with me on unmasking the abuser, the podcast. I'm Dr. Dina McMillan.