(upbeat music)
Welcome back.
Can you believe it?
We're at episode five of the Unmasking the Abuser podcast series.
I'm Dr. Dina McMillan.
I'm the author of the book,
but he says he loves me,
as well as a social psychologist
and an expert in domestic violence.
The knowledge being shared in these podcasts
is straight from my International Abuse Prevention Program,
also called Unmasking the Abuser.
Last episode, we started highlighting
the exact tactics used by abusers all over the world
to draw new romantic partners into their grim web of influence.
We looked at testing and training,
as well as the important domination moves,
used by abusers from their first interactions
with their new target.
I mentioned testing and training
involves relatively small maneuvers
that you may not even notice or object to when they occur.
I cautioned you to fully understand
their significant impact on your brain,
and noted how these maneuvers can rapidly twist
and distort the power dynamic between you and the abuser.
If you're not careful, don't pay attention,
and just give in to all of his suggestions
and answer all of his questions,
even the ones that make you slightly uncomfortable
because you find him attractive and want him to like you.
You could quickly become ensnared
in a complicated emotional trap,
and it will become very difficult for you to break free.
Today, we're going to keep moving forward,
because any abuser you meet is going to be very cunning.
Testing and training and domination
are just the tip of the iceberg.
I'm going to share two additional maneuvers
performed by abusers during these earliest days.
These tactics are actually a study and contrast.
They involve doing things that are at the opposite ends
of the same spectrum,
and that's why they're so powerful.
On one side, the abuser will do and say things
that will please you enormously.
On the other side, he'll also flip it
and do and say things to smash your confidence
and completely crush your hopes for your future.
You'll end up dazed and confused
and emotionally attached to someone
who pretends to be your dream,
but is actually a nightmare.
(upbeat music)
As always, if you'd like to reach me
with a question or a comment,
I hope you'll email me at
[email protected].
That's unmaskingpodcast, all one word, at gmail.com.
So let's begin.
You know the saying, "Misery loves company."
Well, so does awareness.
And to me, awareness is more than just knowing facts,
figures, information.
It always includes doing, according to what you know.
Awareness is a verb, not a noun.
It's not something you have, it's something you use.
If it doesn't actively inform your life choices,
then it's just data.
So I don't want you to just take in these key facts
and things.
Wow, isn't that interesting?
I want you to use what you discover
when you're selecting your personal relationships,
both romantic and friendships.
Awareness isn't passive either.
It has to continue to grow.
I'm always on the lookout for any new methods I can use.
I want to make it as easy as possible
for you to absorb the information
and store it in the places in your brain
that wake up when you're making decisions about your love life.
This isn't the logical, rational part of your brain,
unless you're one of those people with a checklist
and the absolute determination to stick to it.
When your emotions and desires get involved,
other parts of your brain will take the reins away
from the smart section of your brain.
The part that would normally assess and recognize
when something's not quite right.
As a social psychologist,
I'm always researching new information
on how the brain works.
And I'm also seeking tips for what we can do
to make it work better.
I was recently watching a video by Jim Quick,
the creator of Quick Learning.
If you look him up, his last name is spelled K-W-I-K.
He said something that resonated with me,
although I admit I don't know if he's the first to say it,
whoever said it first,
it's definitely something you should repeat to yourself
when you consider the crucial information
I'm sharing in this podcast series.
He said knowledge is not power.
Knowledge is only potential power.
Knowledge only becomes power when you act on it.
He harkened to one of my biggest fears,
people who take the time to learn the keys they need
to recognize an abuser early and accurately,
but then they ignore what they know
when they encounter one of these guys in real life.
I don't want this to be you.
Jim Quick also mentioned something I knew
and was using already when designing
my seminars and workshops.
He calls it tip, that's T-I-P.
It stands for turn into pictures.
It's why I use PowerPoint slides like many people do,
but mine are always a combination of visual images
rather than bullet point lists.
Due to something called the picture superiority effect
or visual superiority effect,
scientists who study the brain have found
we remember information better
if we see a picture rather than just written words.
You'll understand the reasons for this better
when we get to the episode
where we examine some key basics on how your brain works.
But this is a podcast, not YouTube,
you may be saying to yourself,
we can't see you, I know that.
But a similar effect happens when you use your imagination
to visualize something.
It's why in the last episode
when I was describing an early date scenario with an abuser,
I walked you through it step by step
and asked you to imagine how you'd feel if you were there
and it was happening in real life.
As we go through and discuss the tactics used by abusers,
I want you to put yourself in the situations,
visualizing how they would look and sound,
perhaps what you would smell
if you're imagining a restaurant or cafe.
And I want you to pay attention to any responses in your body,
which you'll have if you're using your imagination effectively.
The more you do this, the easier it's going to be
to remember the key info so you can use it when you need it.
It's going to become awareness, not entertainment.
But I'm not going to ask you to put yourself
into imaginary situations only as a target.
As we move together through this series,
I'm going to get you to start identifying yourself
as someone with a superpower
that lets you not only recognize abusers tactics early,
but also with useful tips on hand
that inform you how to respond
when you spot these maneuvers.
I want you to firmly envision yourself
as someone who knows what to do
and also as someone who consistently acts on what you know.
To make this a reality,
I'm going to include an episode with tips you'll need
if you believe you're being targeted by an abuser.
Most females of all ages
and experience levels need this information.
You need it not only for the new insights
into abusers strategy and tactics,
but also for another important reason.
Let me explain.
When I do my in-person workshops and seminars,
I devote an entire section to this
because teen girls and women aren't socialized
to say no firmly, or to resist someone begging
or pleading or claiming they're being hurt
by the defiance or rejection.
Instead, we're largely given a good girl pad on the head
from the time we're small
for backing down when someone resists
our suggestions or decisions, especially if they're male.
We're trained to prioritize the needs
and feelings of others.
That sounds nice and selfless
and it makes us pray.
That's pray as in something a predator catches and eats,
not the pray that means asking for divine intervention.
By the way, if you're male and listening to these podcasts,
there's still some valuable info and instructions.
When we discuss reactions to behaviors by abusers
that are the outcome of female cultural training,
I hope it provides you with some genuine empathy
for the way women are raised to be susceptible to manipulation.
It's often too easy for men to dismiss our claims
and blame a woman for being with an abuser
because they don't understand how it could happen
if the woman didn't want it.
Males do have an advantage here.
Many of the tactics we discussed last week
and those I'm going to share in this and upcoming episodes
would set off immediate alarm bells for most guys.
Boys and men aren't raised to just let someone else grab control
or taught to make excuses for someone else's rudeness or cruelty.
or train to ignore the kind of worrying behaviors that were the premise of the film how to lose the guy in 10 dates.
If you're male though, you're not invulnerable.
I've seen men drawn into relationships with abusive women because they didn't know women could behave that way.
Or the woman involved was really attractive so they ignored the fact that she was obviously trouble.
Or she was very petite and these tall muscular guys thought they were therefore safe, wrong answer in all cases.
Understanding how abusers behave is good knowledge for males too.
It can protect you not only from abusive women, which we'll discuss in an episode of its own.
It can also alert you to friendships and work relationships that are abusive.
These can be almost as dangerous as abuse in a romantic context.
And it helps to recognize these tactics if they're used on a woman you care about.
I'm also going to do an episode specifically on how to spot abusive manipulation being used in someone else's relationship.
This knowledge works for women and men.
You're listening to the Unmasking the Abuser podcast with Dr. Dena McMillan.
The first double tactic I'm going to share with you today is called Love Bombing and Hate Bombing.
As I mentioned earlier, it's a tactic with two opposing sides like the sides of a coin.
Let's start with Love Bombing.
If you ever look up the methods used by cults and organizations that use strong armed tactics to gain new customers
or to brainwash employees, Love Bombing is often front and center.
Imagine you're traveling somewhere, somewhere new.
You walk into a public space filled with people.
It can be a restaurant, a community center, even a pub.
As you walk in the door, each person you pass turns and looks at you in the eye, then they smile.
As you continue going through to get a table or to go somewhere to get a drink, people make comments like, "Oh, I love that outfit."
Or, "Would you like to join us for darts? I bet you're good."
Whatever they say to you is specific and personal and based on reality.
It's warm and welcoming.
Some of what's said to you are compliments you've heard before, so you know they're not just making something up to flatter you.
So how do you feel?
If you're visualizing this well, you may find yourself smiling.
Now, take that situation to a first or second date.
As you walk in, he looks you up and down and says, "Wow, you look amazing."
When you talk, he pays close attention, bending forward, looking you in the eye and asking a lot of relevant questions.
He gives you feedback like, "That's a clever way to think about that. I hadn't considered it before."
Brilliant. If you have a strong interest or set of beliefs, he'll ask you about them.
Then he'll not only claim he shares those interests or beliefs, he'll say he's so lucky to admit you.
He may have brought you flowers or a small gift.
If you say you'd really like to see a local band or want to go to a sporting event, he'll tell you, "Wow, he does too."
And he has an easy way of getting great tickets.
He'll add how surprising it is to find someone who likes that same band or sports team or whatever you told him is your passion.
As the evening progresses, he continues to ask you questions and pay close attention to your answers.
You feel like the only woman in the room.
He'll also continue to shower you with compliments, praise and promises, always tailored to be accurate or something you want to believe it's true about yourself.
When you go home or even on your way, he contacts you and tells you he never does this, but he'd love to see you again and doesn't want to play games or wait to set it up.
Quick. Are you really flattered and feeling like you hit the jackpot?
Or really suspicious because he's telling you how wonderful you are and you've barely had a conversation. How does he know you're great?
Love bombing is an incredibly effective influence tactic that does three things. It makes you feel really good.
It inspires you to want to spend time with that person again, and it encourages you to open up and share information that you might not otherwise.
It's linked to one of the other tactics we're going to talk about next week called marathoning. Love bombing requires showering the target with positivity, personalized compliments, considerate gifts, and exciting promises of more good things to come.
It often includes follow-up gestures like sending a huge bouquet of flowers to your office the next day, or saying something marvelous about you to a room full of people, or literally sweeping you off your feet with a romantic gesture like an unexpected dinner at an expensive restaurant you know you can't afford, or a horse-drawn carriage ride around the park.
And if he takes you somewhere expensive and then pays for it all, or you're walking along and you see something you'd like, and you let him buy it for you, what's the result?
It's going to trigger those reciprocity feelings most of us have drilled in us since childhood. You're going to feel obligated to have physical contact with him even if you're not ready yet, or don't find him attractive, and you'll feel strongly obligated to see him again.
Some of you may be thinking, "I never trust a guy who tried to bribe me that way. I'd never take an expensive gift or plan something with someone I don't know."
You're mentally pointing a very harsh finger at a friend or relative in thinking, "That's something she'd do."
But what if he's more subtle and sly? What if he notices you checking your messages on your iPhone 5, and it's obvious you feel embarrassed? He pulls out his iPhone 6s and says, "I know why you keep that. I'm really attached to my 6."
Then he seems to ponder for a moment and says, "My company just gave me an iPhone 11 Pro, and it's still in its box at work. Do you want it?
It's just going to sit there otherwise."
Are you still feeling smug and sure of your response? What if you told him you have an old phone or a simple car because you're saving for a trip to Paris that it's been your dream since you were little?
And he tells you, "That's funny. My company is sending me there next month. Do you want to come along? The company's paying for everything so it's no cost to me. Besides, you'd be doing me a favor.
I hate hanging out with the guys from work when I go overseas."
Well, are you still sure? Or did the last two examples creep you out because they're so smooth and so tempting?
By making it seem it's very little effort, the abuser would know he's reducing the sense of obligation you think you'll have, and increasing the likelihood you'll agree.
Always remember, abusers are master manipulators even when they're young. They're practiced and they're skilled.
By the way, if you do accept the last examples, the feelings of obligation will be front and center, including an obligation to continue spending time with him until the trip, or because you know how expensive the iPhone is to buy.
By the way, if he gives you a phone, it's probably loaded with stalker apps and abuser favorite so he can keep track of your movements and even read your emails.
There's no such thing as a free lunch. Yet even without the gifts, the goal of love bombing is to fill your heart with bliss and put rose-colored glasses firmly over your eyes.
When love bombing is done well, the other not-so-great things that are also happening will get swept aside in your mind.
You'll focus instead on the bragging you can do tomorrow to your closest girlfriends, or you'll be visualizing how to get the best shot of the flowers or the fancy restaurant for Instagram.
I mentioned the opposite may also come out this early, but smart abusers will make sure to keep the ratio of positive to negative, firmly in the positive column.
Have you ever noticed when you're happy, rude people, and small annoyances that might drive you crazy otherwise just seem to pass over you like water over a duck's back?
That's what happens with love bombing. That's what it's designed to do! Make you so optimistic and upbeat, so the negative things that are also occurring don't bother you quite so much.
But those disturbing things will be there. Those domination moves that we discussed in the previous episode will still be happening, and along with the compliments, the abuser will pepper a few hate bombing morsels into your otherwise perfect encounter.
Hate bombing is taking the fears and insecurities you've also revealed, and then slicing you with them to hurt your feelings, make you unsure of yourself, and to get you to doubt the possibility of ever realizing the dreams you've been working towards.
Often hate bombing is posed as question.
questions, or off-hand comments, but always with a sting in the tail.
Can you get a mortgage on a house by yourself?
I've read they're making it really tough for women to do that on their own.
Or some of the comments like those I mentioned in the last episode.
You've only finished high school, but you seem so smart.
Or you haven't traveled?
I don't think I know anyone else who's never been overseas.
Sometimes they'll just find a way to weave in information that translates to,
"My ex is a top authority at whatever field you're in,
but at a much higher level and at a much younger age."
Okay, they don't just say it like that, but that's definitely what they communicate.
They'll watch and listen closely to whatever you complain about or seem insecure about,
and then drop in a comment or a question to make you feel worse about whatever it is.
If it's obvious you want to see yourself as attractive,
they'll mention how their previous partner works as a model in New York or Milan.
If you're proud of your intellect, they'll make an off-hand comment saying it's a shame
you didn't get into the top university, or that you weren't recruited early by the number one firm or corporation.
If you see yourself as independent and strong,
they'll make a disparaging comment about any mentoring, assistance, or help from your parents,
you've received along the way.
Does that really count as independent?
Didn't you also rely on others to succeed?
If you seem a bit riled or upset after these comments,
the abuser will know his arrow has hit the mark.
He'll make a mental note of it as something to use as punishment,
or to reduce your self-confidence in the future.
He may then go on to say something really nice,
so you'll calm down and keep going.
Both love bombing and hate bombing require the abuser to watch you closely,
listen well, and pay attention.
As these are three things that are the least likely to happen on an early date with most guys,
the abuser can seem like an incredibly good date.
You may try to ignore the twist in your stomach from the nasty barbs he also made,
because the customized compliments, promises, and even gifts are so pleasing.
Until now, you had no way of knowing he was doing these pleasing things
to get you to lower your guard and bond with him quickly.
He needs to be able to read you accurately,
if he's going to know how to attack you emotionally,
and be sure that each barb goes straight into your heart.
You may not be surprised that this tactic requires effort,
but it's one of the quickest and most effective.
The abuser watches your eyes sparkle with the compliments and promises,
knowing all along he doesn't really have to keep his word.
The goal is to keep you involved long enough
for all of the other tactics to work their magic and cement the relationship.
Love bombing and hate bombing are often combined with the second double act,
the fairy tale lore, and future shock.
Fairy tale lore is exactly as it sounds.
It's getting you invested in happily ever after
with the abuser featured front and center.
And the abuser wants you to commit to this future as quickly and as completely as possible.
So how has it done?
I considered how to demonstrate the fairy tale lore
so you'll really get it on a deep level.
I want you to imagine a layered experience.
On the first layer, the abuser asks you about your plans for the future.
This is like a piece of cloth you lay on the table in front of the two of you.
The cloth is made up of your talents, abilities, strengths, efforts, knowledge.
So what color is your cloth?
Is it a single color or a design?
What type of fabric?
Something thick and fluffy? Something smooth and silky?
Can you see it spread on the table?
Good.
Now imagine he's asking lots of questions about your dreams and goals.
Have you noticed when you're passionate about something,
even discussing it makes you happy as long as the other person is actually listening?
Most abusers are good listeners,
even the ones who rely on their superior position to get into place.
And he'll probably encourage you to dream big.
He's getting you to add things on top of the fabric.
Little models of what you want.
Perhaps one is a little Eiffel Tower representing a trip to Paris.
Another could be a little book representing a new level of education.
Another could be a dog that represents your job working with animals
or a little button with the name of the international charity where you'd like to work.
Whatever it is and however many dreams you have,
imagine little 3D models of whatever your dream is
and put each little model on your cloth.
As you lay them out for the abuser,
whether it's during your first conversation or as you continue,
he's going to mention how if you're with him,
those goals are going to be easier to achieve.
He'll drop that he knows someone who could help
or that he can make sure you get the interviews or to the events that count.
He may even offer financial support or be clever and mention a grant program he's heard about
but where he happens to know the person in charge.
Now when you look at your cloth,
it still has the same dreams,
but every one now has a little model version of your date holding onto it in some manner.
If you continue to have contact with him, he'll soon have increasingly larger models of himself
stuck onto the side of each of your dreams.
He'll begin whispering in your ear that achieving any of your goals is going to be difficult
if not impossible on your own.
At first he'll say his effort could make it easier,
then he'll move on to imply or even say outright
that without his largest, without his support, your goals won't happen.
He'll begin moving you into a future shot.
It's like he points out how all of your dreams require his help.
Then he rips away the cloth like those online performance artists.
He pulls away everything self-reliant and strong.
He removes all reference to your own abilities, talents, efforts.
All that's left on the table are a few of your goals held firmly in the grip
of the little models of the abuser.
He'll make the odds of you getting that promotion seem even worse.
He'll ask questions that make you think about your limited bank balance.
He'll ask how you can plan to travel when your job just doesn't give you time off.
He'll remind you of your obligations to other people that take up an enormous amount of your time and money.
He'll remark on your age or background and say he read an article recently
stating how hard it is for women like you to achieve the goals you're aiming for
or to find a husband.
Many abusers will bluntly direct the conversation
so that when you replay what happened in your own mind later,
you'll realize he's told you you're on track to end up alone and miserable,
living by yourself with too many cats and that he's presented himself as the solution.
He'll reassure you the bleak future won't be true if the two of you are together.
The two of you can easily manifest your best and brightest dreams.
So here's a question, what can the abusers do to make sure his hate bombing and future shock digs
aren't deal-breakers for you?
Answer, he can lower your self-esteem and make you feel unworthy of being treated better.
He can say something hurtful, then draw your attention back to something marvelous and get you excited again.
Smart abusers won't let a target dwell on the negative comments too much.
He needs you to believe that the perfect boyfriend or husband
and the perfect future he's holding out are real.
He needs you to convince yourself that he can make it a reality
and become more and more unsure that it will happen anyway except his way.
I hope you're sufficiently creeped out enough by all this to start becoming more wary.
That's basically the solution to all of this, not negativity or fear.
Just be cautious of someone until you get to know them well.
That waryness includes not sharing too much information with a stranger.
Give a new guy some basics and then turn the conversation back onto him.
And don't think everyone is honest and nice and trustworthy just because you are.
That's called projection and it's a naive mistake.
Just be careful and remind yourself if this new guy is your perfect mate.
He won't mind if you take things a little slowly.
He'll only mind if he has an agenda.
He'll especially mind if he's an abuser and the fact that he minds will show.
He'll keep pushing and won't let the matter drop.
He'll continue saying things about your future together,
offering you gifts or favors,
trying to encourage you to cough up intimate information
that's too soon to share.
If you react badly to a comment or a question,
he'll reframe it and ask again.
And pay attention to see if its negative comments or questions
come after he's tried to get you to accept something
or commit to something and you've refused.
If so, that's punishment and it's part of the training
we discussed last episode.
An abuser will always be in a rush to get you fully involved
and under his thumb because he knows his past
and his behaviors won't stand up to close scrutiny.
The more you know, the less he seems like the dream soulmate
he's presenting himself to be.
And that prince charming mask is heavy and uncomfortable.
He wants to take it off without you rejecting him.
So he needs you firmly submitted to his total control
and invest it in a future with him.
And by the way, be on the lookout for anyone
trying to voice technology on you.
I know too much about how easily it can be misused
to think it's harmless.
That's it for now.
Was any of this new or disturbing?
It's definitely knowledge the abusers don't want you to know.
Their desire to keep you in the dark about their devious methods
is a great reason for you to hold their methods up to the light.
If you have any questions, comments,
or would like to arrange in-person seminars or workshops,
please email me at
[email protected].
That's
[email protected].
And contact me if you'd like to discuss sponsorship
for this series.
Next episode, we're going to look at three more underhanded tactics
used by abusers, two of which will probably surprise you.
I hope you'll tune in.
Thank you for listening.
I'm Dr. Dina McMillan.
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