Unmasking the Abuser Episode 4 - The Tactics Begin!

Welcome back for episode 4 of Unmasking the Abuser, The Podcast. I'm Dr. Dina McMillan. If you've listened to my previous podcasts, you know I'm a social psychologist, domestic violence expert, and the author of the book, Buddy Saysy, loves me. In the last episode, we looked at Abuser's strategy. That included defining the grooming behaviors. Gruming is the most-to-take place at the very beginning of a new relationship. They're performed to gain a romantic target's trust, encourage rapid emotional attachment, and begin the process of maximizing the Abuser's control. We also walked through a few simple scenarios where you were asked how you would feel if you were in those situations. I promised you last time we were going to start doing a deep dive into Abuser's most common and most successful manipulation tactics. That begins today. I'm going to start illustrating how abusers entice teen girls and women into their dangerous web that's going to include mentions of the reactions these maneuvers are designed to provoke. I believe it's crucial for you to not only recognize how these tactics look and sound, but also how they can make you feel. We'll start today with three of the most universal of the primary grooming tactics, then jump to a shorter list of tactics that aren't quite as common, require more effort, or demand greater cunning by the Abuser. The second set of tactics may or may not show up until after the relationship is established. They're still key. I call this second group of tactics, honorable mentions. By the way, if you'd like to reach me with a question or a comment, I'm inviting you to email me at [email protected] that's [email protected]. So off we go. Now the tactics used by abusers are such necessary information. I admit at first I couldn't believe they weren't already included in the knowledge being offered in the wealth of materials being handed out. It's unfortunate. In fact, in my training and in the materials I came across, no one ever cautioned teen girls and women to be on the lookout for manipulation. Instead they just kept using the word "to" and advise them to be wary of someone who was too jealous, too controlling, or too easily angered. There also wasn't much detail on how much was too much. They certainly didn't alert them to the fact that by the time they noticed it was too much, there was a good chance they'd already be involved with an abuser. I admit I didn't see all this at first either. It took me a decade of working with abuse before I was able to recognize and identify what I'd been seeing and hearing in all those sessions over all those years. I was thrilled when I realized that I understood what was happening and knew why it worked so well and disappointed in myself for not recognizing it earlier. After having this information for 13 years, I've decided to take it straight to the public. That's the reason for this podcast series. I've had a very interesting reaction when I've done seminars and workshops for young people and for adults. I've had young teens get angry after participating in one of my workshops or seminars. Not with me or with the unmasking the abuser program, they were furious they hadn't been taught this information before or seen it anywhere else. A lot of them asked me why these tips aren't everywhere. Of course many adults have the same reaction. That's why I'm here. That's why I'm sharing this information. That's why I'm asking you to contact me if you'd like in-person workshops or seminars or if you belong to an organization that may be able to sponsor this program. Let's get to why you should make that effort. Today I'm going to share some major abuse tactics with you. The first two are called testing and training, the third is called domination. Although I'm going to define and describe all of the tactics separately, I want you to keep in mind over the next podcast episodes that abusers don't use one, then go on to use another. They go back and forth using them separately or sometimes combining them. The tactics weave together forming a grim tapestry of control and hurt from the earliest days of the abusive relationship. Today I'm also going to jump ahead a little after showing you the first three main tactics. I'm going to share the moves I call honorable mentions. Although these are not quite as universal and require more savvy and more effort by the abusers, some of the foundations for their use start to be introduced at the beginning of the relationship at the same time the testing and training and domination are also being established. So let's get to it. Keeping in mind the best advice in the world only works if you believe what you see and act on what you know. Testing and training. On your first contact with an abuser, he's going to be testing you to see how far he can press against your boundaries without meeting serious resistance. We discuss this in the last podcast, how our brains adapt to being around someone who makes all of the decisions and ask for concessions and then we respond by giving in without much thought. As a result of this behavior, our brain will classify that person as an authority over us. Abusers really want to be that authority so they're going to ask. They're going to try to make decisions for you and then they'll watch to see what you'll do. Most abusers won't start by telling you how to live your life, not yet anyway, but they'll start making little comments, making suggestions, asking for information that's increasingly personal and way too soon to offer to someone who, if you think about it, is still a stranger. If you resist, they'll back off a little, then they'll try again. It's best if you're really clear about what I mean about this pressure against your boundaries with these tests. Nothing he'll do will probably shock you. That's not what it's for. It's the number of compromises, requests and questions in such a short period of time that give him the power. It's the information you give up without thinking that he can then use to shape his most successful manipulations. When I was writing this, I was thinking of a perfect example. Have you ever seen the film Devil's Advocate? Okay, it's from way back in 1997 before some of you were born. But it's an interesting film with strong performances by Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves and Charlize Therong. Thanks to our streaming services, it's just a click away. In the movie, Al Pacino plays the Devil, and when he meets Charlize Therong's character, he casually asks her to pull up her hair so he can see how it would look shorter. Then he tells her it would look much better in its original color. He's not heavy-handed with the comments, which is what gave me the chills when I watched it. He was smooth, and he succeeded in making her feel very insecure about her looks. This is the kind of thing abusers do, or they ask questions like, "What, you've never skied?" or, "You didn't go to college or to university?" They'll ask you about yourself and listen very closely to your responses. They'll make little moves or suggestions like the Devil in the film. It's going to be easy for this to feel like interest. The abusers watch you closely when he asks these questions or makes these comments. You may be flattered, or at least feel it's going somewhere, or he wouldn't bother. You may not be inclined to pay attention to how you feel later when you're looking in the mirror, and all of your flaws seem to be bigger and bolder because of what he said to you. By the way, this mining for information is crucial, and in several of the tactics we're going to discuss later. Now back to testing. During this process, the abusers will often ask you things that are quite personal or intimate, or try to get you to do something or promise to do something where it's too early in the relationship for you to feel quite comfortable. They may invite you to an overseas trip in a few months' time, or make a comment about how great it is that you're together now. Whatever they say, they're testing you to see how far they can go. Is going to involve something that's too frank, like the comment about the hairstyle, or too much, like offering to buy something expensive, or too soon, like the suggestions about the trip or the declaration that you're now a couple. The abuser is also training you when he does this. Whenever they offer an opinion and you give in and don't act offended, they'll compliment you afterwards. If they ask you something that's too intimate for this stage of the relationship and you answer, And they'll do or. say something pleasing. If they change things around like we discussed last episode, and you just go along without showing annoyance, then they'll promise you something really nice for next time. If you don't give them the information they've requested, or if you bristle a bit at the unasked for advice, or maybe you won't share the intimate knowledge they've requested, then the abuser is going to say or do something that's going to make you feel insecure, or hurt your feelings, or even cut the night short. This is basic operant conditioning in action. Whenever you do what the abuser wants, then you get a reward. Keep your boundaries up, or if by has attempts to get into your head or control you, and he'll punish you. At this very early stage, the punishment won't be big, and it certainly won't involve any type of physical assault. He won't need to do that. He can make you feel pain with his words and actions. He can make a snide comment or sneer when you get excited about your plans or your accomplishments. He may draw attention to a flaw that you have. He may start flirting with the female server or start looking at other women in the room. He can just switch off the warm looks and attentive behavior he was displaying before. Or maybe he'll just look thoughtful and say, "Well, now that he's thought about it, the goodies he was promising you earlier, when you were just giving in to his requests without hesitation, well, they may not be possible. He'll just have to see." Even if you don't consciously register what's going on, your subconscious will be very clear about what's happening. Do what he wants, give him what he asks, and you get attention, perfection, and promises. Hold out or show caution, and if you're lucky, you'll only get the promises rescinded. If you're unlucky, he'll also say and do things that will make you feel insecure, uncomfortable, or even unhappy. This is your training. We're listening to unmasking the abuser the podcast with Dr. Dean McMillan. Domination is the next tactic. In order for you to get why it's so sought after by abusers, it's good for you to fully understand what it offers to the person in charge. Often the person in charge will claim, with domination and control, comes greater responsibility for the person in charge. But that's not why they want it. Domination is centered on a powerful and dramatic system of double standard. It offers the one in charge not only a position where he can make all of the decisions for himself and his partner. He's valued more highly, is accommodated at all times, and has the freedom to do what he likes, including making mistakes, and betrayals of his partner's trust without being held fully accountable. When he does do something wrong or bad, or hurts his partner emotionally or even physically, he expects to be forgiven and the issue never mentioned again. In a relationship where you're dominated, it's not just that you have to ask permission for even fundamental things you want or need to do. Your partner gets to decide everything about your lives without any serious weight being given to your views, opinions or needs. It becomes a coercive controlling relationship. The ideal situation sought by abusers. In a coercive controlling relationship, your every word and deed are decided by your partner. He decides what you do, what you say, what you eat, and how much, and how you dress. He decides where and how you live. He decides whether you can work outside the home and the types of work that he deems are suitable. He decides whether you have access to money, even the money you earn, and how you spend it. He decides whether you have children and when, how many you have, and the exact details regarding how they're raised. He decides how your leisure time is spent and who you get to spend it with. Your relationships are closely monitored and must never take time away from the abuser. He decides whether you get to have any relationships at all even with your own family and many abusers refuse. In a coercive controlling relationship, the abuser reserves the right to punish you whenever and for whatever he deems sufficient cause. In reality, this boils down to you being punished or hurt because the abuser disagrees with something you've said or done. He's frustrated by something someone else has said or done, or just because he feels like it. In order to gain this level of domination, the abuser starts early offering to take over responsibilities for you, his target, summer clever and conniving, and offer to do things you don't like to do. Pay for certain bills or handle the repairs for your car or make all of the arrangements for your upcoming trip. He'll make it seem like something nice, but it's designed to make you dependent. As soon as he can, he'll come up with logical reasons you should minimize your expenses or reduce the hassle, but it always involves removing some aspect of your independence. Do we really need two cars? I can drive you where you need to go on the weekends and you take public transport to work. Do you really need a job? I make enough to support the two of us. Why do you still have your own phone plan or health insurance or bank account? We'll save money if we put them together and you know you don't like figuring out that budget. Once the relationship is settled, many abusers will appropriate even more, describing it as taking care of you. If this happens to you, it may feel like a relief if your partners willing to handle the finances and deal with the travel agent or make sure the car is serviced. It may take you a while to realize you now don't know how much money the two of you have and you have to ask him for funds on a regular basis. You now don't know the details of your health plan or your car insurance. You no longer know who to ask if something in the house breaks and needs to be repaired. In many ways the abuser has deviously returned your status back to that of a child. You'll have to ask him for basics and if he says no, there's not much you can do about it. The climb to regaining your independence seems so steep and he'll certainly notice if you start trying to regain your self-sufficiency. You'll find a way to block you at every turn. Now this is a lot to take in but before we finish this episode, let's discuss a few of the tactics I call honorable mentions that can show up from the earliest days of a new relationship or at any stage afterwards. First up is a combination tactic I call seeking allies plus flying monkeys. When the abuser is trying to lure in a new target and get her to commit to the relationship, one tactic we often see is the abuser actively working to become friends with the target's family, close friends and perhaps even her work colleagues. He'll flatter, promise by considerate gifts so they'll all tell her he's a great guy and wow what a catch. Sometimes behind the scenes, the foundation for flying monkeys is also being set up. The name for this tactic is based on the scary creatures in the film The Wizard of Oz. In the film when the witch decides to attack Dorothy and her friends, she doesn't do it directly. Instead, she sends her flying monkeys to do it for her. As an abuse tactic, this involves the abuser planting seeds of doubt among your family, friends and colleagues regarding your behavior. He may be doing this at the same time he's doing nice things for them, seeking them as allies. When he's sending out the flying monkeys, the abuser will either make up something negative that you've done that just isn't true or he'll tell them something horrible that you've done that in reality was something that he's done. Sometimes he'll disguise his attack by saying something like oh, bet told me you're super critical and standoffish but I think you're really nice. When done convincingly behind your back, the combo of considerate gestures plus the flying monkeys means when things start going seriously wrong, your credibility will be shot with your nearest and nearest. He's already planted explosive mines in your support system. If this tactic creeps you out and gives you goose bumps, you're certainly not alone. Let's talk about another one. Gaslighting. This term is pretty popular now because it's being used not only by abusive individuals but also by some social movements. The term comes from a film in 1944 starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyet. The plot involves a sinister plan by a husband to convince his wealthy wife she's insane so he can have her committed and take her. money. As an abuse tactic, it's usually done a bit more simply. It's used after the abuser does something horrible, and you react to it. The abuser will then try to convince you it didn't actually happen, or that it happened completely differently than you're climbing. Or it was something done to you in the past by a previous partner, and for some reason you're wrongly blaming him. You may recall that in the first episode I mentioned that not all abusive relationships are romantic. I had a housemate when I first moved to Sydney who had all the characteristics of an abuser. She tried this gaslighting tactic on me. She had had a friend over who was asking me questions because I'd just come to Australia from California. My housemate didn't like it. She reacted by saying something random and incredibly rude. The next day I told her I didn't like being spoken to that way, and I'd been embarrassed. She said she didn't say it, and wouldn't let it rest. Over the next few days, she tried to convince me it hadn't happened. Then she tried to get me to agree someone else must have said it to me on another occasion, not her. Later, she told me she'd asked her dad, and he said she would never speak that way. I admit I was fascinated. I'd never had someone try to gaslight me before. When gaslighting happens in a romantic relationship with an abuser, if the target or victim still refuses to accept the abuser's distorted version of reality, he'll try to get her to reinterpret the act, turn it into something understandable. He'll try to say he's the one who's really been hurt by what happened. Then she'll be heavily pressured into suppressing her response to what was done to her, and instead support the abuser's hurt feelings. If she still resists, she'll be accused of being a bad person, and the abuser will punish her. The degree of punishment and the length of time it will last depends on how committed the relationship is at that point. Next up is Darvo. This is the letter's D-A-R-V-O. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, and Defender. It's a more aggressive version of gaslighting. It's used when the abuser is caught out doing something awful, and his target or victim won't just passively pretend it's okay. At first, the abuser will deny he did it. There actually should be three Ds here because abusers hate to admit they've done something wrong, and will lie extensively to try to cover it up. They'll deny, deny, deny. It reminds me of that old shaggy song where the guy tells a friend his girlfriend walked in on him, catching him in a compromising position with another woman. His friend advises him, "Say it wasn't true." Abusers like that kind of advice. They'll resist admitting they did something wrong, until and unless it's unavoidable. But what if their partner won't just back down because there's too much evidence, or there were witnesses to what he did, or it hurt too much. Then the abuser will turn on the aggression. Threatening his partner, revoking on promises, criticizing her crowley, doing and saying anything to change the focus from him back onto her. If we continue using the character from the shaggy song, this means he would tell his girlfriend it was her fault for coming in without knocking, and then he would yell and scream about what a horrible upbringing she must have had not to respect someone else's privacy. He'd tell her she has no right to be hurt by what she saw. It's justice for betraying his trust and his right to his own space. The last part of Darvo means reverse victim and defender. Like with gas lighting, this means the abuser will try to claim that his bad behavior has somehow hurt him, and his victim is actually responsible for what he did. He now needs to make it up to him, and perhaps he won't forgive her. So the guy in the shaggy song would have to tell his girlfriend he wanted to be a loyal boyfriend, but because she wasn't available when he needed her and because she's embarrassed him by walking in without knocking, he's really crushed and doesn't know if he'll recover. She'll have to work hard to help him get over it because she's a bad girlfriend. He's not sure he can trust her again because she obviously doesn't understand boundaries. It's not just a fictional song. In real life, abusers get points for nerve and it's amazing how often this works because so many women have been socialized to be nice and to take responsibility for whatever goes wrong even if the crime was done to them. And apologies to shaggy for using the character in a song. It certainly made it easier to outline the definition of Darvo. Last up in the honorable mentions is scapegoating. I mentioned before that abusers have an external locus of control. This means they always blame something or someone else for their misbehavior. When the relationship is new, the abuser will blame stress, drink, drugs, fatigue, or job responsibilities for his rage, cruelty, and perhaps his infidelity. When he grabs onto other people to blame for his harmful actions, the scapegoated people will usually be his ex, his boss, his cruel parent growing up, the kids that bullied him in school. Once the new relationship is more established and his target has moved into being his victim, the scapegoat will always be the victim. It fits with the other tactics in the honorable mentions because you may have noticed that one option that's always on hand for the abuser is to make his wrongs the fault of the person he's harmed, his romantic partner. That's it for this episode. I can't help but wonder, is some or all of this information new to you? It's definitely information abusers don't want you to have. That's why it's crucial to not only share it, but to make sure you really understand what these tactics look and feel like when they occur in real life. If you have any questions, comments, or would like to arrange in-person seminars or workshops, please email me at [email protected]. That's [email protected]. Please also contact me if you'd like to discuss sponsorship or support for this series. Next episode will continue outlining the specific tactics used by abusers to entice new partners into relationships. I hope you'll join me then on unmasking the abuser the podcast. I'm Dr. Dana McMillan.