Unmasking the Abuser Episode 3 - Abusers' Strategy

[Music] Welcome to episode 3 of Unmasking the Abuser, the podcast. I'm Dr. Dena McMillan. I'm a social psychologist, domestic violence expert, and the author of "Butty Says He Loves Me." In the last episode, we looked at how abusers select their romantic partners. In these next several episodes, we're going to do a deep dive into abusers devious tactics. I'm going to share the exact moves abusers make to lure women and trap them in toxic relationships. In this podcast, we're going to do things a little differently. I'm going to ask you to consider how you'd feel and respond in some of the situations. I'm doing this to make it easier for you to remember the information, especially when and if you need it. Don't worry, it's not going to be painful. We'll start today with a talk about abusers strategy, how they plan and maneuver to get someone to trust them, care for them, and submit to them. We're also going to look at why their methods are so effective and share a few general factors that improve the abusers' likelihood of success. Before we finish, we'll also discuss a few key points that can make someone that's you easier to manipulate or more likely to miss the warning signs. By the way, if you'd like to reach me with a question or comment, I've made the email address easier. It's now [email protected]. That's [email protected]. So let's get to it. I want you to keep reminding yourself that abusers strategy starts early. It starts with picking a likely candidate. It moves on to actively grooming that target. You know the term grooming, I think. It's familiar to most people. Because it's used when they talk about the luring behaviors used by pedophiles, but abusers groom their targets too. Gruming is just scripted behavior with a purpose that happens at the beginning of a new relationship. It usually assumes a significant difference in power and position by the groomer. It also includes manipulation and predatory behavior. It includes secrecy and underhanded tactics. The grooming by abusers is done to cement the relationship as quickly as possible. It involves moves that the abuser has practiced before, so he knows they'll work to secure the target's trust, get the target emotionally attached to the abuser, and grant the abuser ever increasing control over the target's life. When you hear the term grooming, think molding. The targets like clay in the hands of an experienced abuser, being shaped to fit whatever relationship container he chooses. To be fair, some targets are easier to mold than others, and we're going to talk about that a little later. It's easier to groom a target if the abusers in a position of authority over her. Some abusers select their targets with this in mind. They look for a target who's young and inexperienced, or he's a boss, or her teacher, or he has significantly more formal education, or a much better income. He may be an expert in a field where she's relatively new. Even if they're equal at the start, a lot of abusers' early behaviors change that dynamic, so he gains authority over her. When he already has it, he'll still take action to increase the distance between them. We're going to talk about this more in later podcast episodes when I share the basic workings of the brain. Suffice to say for now, abusers often make a lot of seemingly small decisions and ask for seemingly small concessions in the early days that are actually effective ways to gain power over their target. Here's where it gets personal. I'm going to begin doing something in this podcast episode that we're going to continue as we go through the tactics. I'm going to ask you to apply what we're discussing to yourself, to reflect on how it would look and sound, and especially to consider how it would feel. I'm doing this because when these moves occur in real life, it's not like watching a movie. You don't just see something happening on a screen. You don't just hear what's being said to you or those around you. Your mind and body are also going to react to what's being done. In this way, it's less like going to a film and more like stepping onto a roller coaster. You can tell yourself it's just an amusement park ride and it's perfectly safe. But most of your brain and body don't get the message once the ride begins. I'm telling you this because the methods used by abusers are powerful and appealing. They're practiced and highly effective. They're designed to work with your cultural training, your family dynamics, and your personal hopes and dreams. I don't want you to get caught out if or when they're used on you. I want you braced and ready for how you may react. I want you practiced in using the tools that will keep you from giving in. I want you to be able to shut him down as quickly as possible and move on with your life. And by the way, if just now you thought I couldn't be talking about you because you're in a committed relationship with a great guy or you're a teen boy or you're a man, please keep in mind abusers can be female and abusive relationships can be non-romantic. We're going to do an episode on spotting female abusers who target male victims and another episode on abusers and friendships, work relationships, and non-romantic family relationships. We'll also do an important episode on spotting abusive manipulation in other people's relationships where this ability to accurately see, hear, and feel will come in handy. Let's start with something easy. I want you to consider the following scenario and be honest with yourself about how you'd respond. Let's say there's a guy you'd like to get to know romantically. He seems interested in you too. The two of you arranged to meet at a local cafe or a nearby restaurant. You set the time at 6 p.m. He contacts you at 5.45 and says, "Something's come up." Can we meet at 6.30 instead? What are you likely to tell him? If you're like most women, you'll just say okay. If you're at the cafe or restaurant already, would you tell him or would you just let it slide? If he realizes you're there, would you panic a little and make it excuse because you don't want him to think you're desperate? Be honest now. Okay, it's later and he finally arrives. And keep in mind, it may be closer to 7 o'clock. You say you'd like to sit outside because the weather's great. He responds, "Well, that's not a good idea because there are smokers out there." Or there's too much foot traffic. Or he gives you some other reason where he ends up choosing where the two of you sit. Would you object? Would you just go along? Would you even notice how he took control? Again, most women would just say okay and not pay attention to the fact that he's made all of the decisions. Then the server brings the menus. The guy you're with has been to this cafe or restaurant before and says there's something you just have to try. Would you let him order it for you even if it doesn't sound like something you'd like? Or would you say no thank you? There's something else you'd like to try instead. Think about it. Put yourself in the situation like it's really happening now. This is just a small example. There are so many ways the abuser can take control here. He could choose the location where you meet. He could change the time of day at the last minute and instead of going for lunch or coffee, he would tell you he could only do dinner. He could insist on having wine with the meal even though you told him you don't want alcohol. Many of us don't like to drink alcohol when we first go out with someone as a precautionary measure. Here's a true story from my own life. I went out with a guy and told him I didn't want alcohol. He still brought wine and two glasses to the table. After he told me he was just going to the men's room. He claimed, "Well, wine isn't really alcohol." I knew then he was going to be trouble. A guy who won't accept no for an answer when you're in a room full of people probably won't accept no for an answer when you're alone. In my case, he later tried to come home with me and even jumped in the other side of the taxi when I got in. If I'd felt threatened, I would have had the taxi driver take me to the closest police station. Instead, I knew my building had good security and gave the taxi driver a nearby address that wasn't mine. I made the guy get out of the taxi at the fake address and then only after we pulled away, did I give the taxi driver my real address? I want you to ask yourself, how would you handle any of those situations? I admit in my experience, the taxi problem was unusual. But I had called it earlier when I recognized that any guy who tries to coerce you into drinking alcohol when you don't want any is going to be a problem. What's critical in these early date scenarios is the abuser will make a lot of small decisions and ask for a lot of small concessions that you could give into without much thought or discussion. And here's the ominous part, when you do that. Your brain will process this information in a way you probably don't realize. It's going to interpret your actions and reactions to mean this guy's a legitimate authority over you. It's going to think, like the little kids say, he's the boss of you. It won't ask you. It won't let you know the power dynamic is shifting in your mind. It just does what it does. And soon when he tells you to do something, you'll just say, "Okay, you probably won't even recognize a distinct turning point when you decided to submit to this guy." If this happens, it isn't because you're weak. It's because of two things. First of all, our broad cultural norms regarding the dynamics between men and women. You've probably been conditioned since you were small and not just with stories. Girls are patted on the head and praised from the time we're little for being easygoing and giving way to make other people happy. We're taught we have to be accommodating if we want men to like us. No one tells little girls how beauty in the beast would probably turn out in real life with beauty getting a restraining order and running to a domestic violence shelter. We're told shown and conditioned to believe love is a cure for whatever issues men possess. And then there's the way our brains process information. When our brain adapts so quickly and smoothly to the authority of the man we're seeing romantically, it actually thinks it's helping us. It thinks it's adapting to keep us from making costly mistakes. Our brain doesn't realize it's actually dropping us in it. So what am I really suggesting in these scenarios? Well, I'm never going to suggest you become mean and hard and glare or tell a guy off because stuff happens and he's delayed. Or he's excited about a food item on the menu. What I am suggesting is for you to be aware of the signals you're sending if you're too compliant both to the guy you're with and to your own brain. Find a way to make some suggestions yourself. If he automatically tells the server you don't want dessert interrupt and say you do. Even if you're on keto you can order a small piece of cheese or if you're watching your health have a small fruit bowl. You don't have to get something expensive or fattening and I'm not suggesting you eat all or even most of it. Just do something that indicates you have a mind of your own. And please watch him closely if you make a suggestion or if you disagree with something he says. If the guy is an abuser saying no or not letting him take control is going to send him into a rage. Now if it's early days he'll try to mask that rage and disapproval but he may not do it so well. Or he may do what the guy I went out with did and I went out with him only once in case you're wondering. He may just ignore what you said. His reaction contains crucial information you'll need when deciding whether to see this guy again. You're listening to Unmasking the Abuser the podcast with Dr. Dean of McMillan. Now you should also know there are some things that we may carry around with us that can make us easier to manipulate. I just talked about normal female upbringing even in western countries where many people pretend sexism is a thing of the past. Young girls are still raised with fairy tales, toys, magazines, books, personal interactions and encouragement. They promote values making teen girls and women easier to influence and be taken advantage of. These promoted values include one of the most popular. A terrible man is transformed by the love of a good woman. Think beauty in the beast in a range of child-friendly young adult and adult variations. In my seminars and workshops I usually illustrate this with slides featuring the Twilight series and the 50 Shades of Grey books and films. But they aren't the only ones. That paradigm is everywhere. Here's something else girls are taught. Romantic love is something to embrace right away and without much thought. This love at first sight starts with sleeping beauty when we're little girls and it continues throughout our lives. I've lost count of the number of stories I've read or films I've seen where the heroine jumps into bed with a stranger while also opening her heart to him and then quickly changing her life to accommodate him. And then they go off to live happily ever after because it's fiction and not even realistic fiction. Here's another promoted belief. It's romantic to get involved with a man who has every advantage over you. Again, look at Cinderella and pretty woman and so many other stories where women get romantically involved with powerful men and then we're supposed to believe they live happily ever after. And real life it just doesn't happen that way. Every advantage your partner has over you is another level of control he gains over both of your lives. What are some other ways you can make it easier for someone to take advantage of you? First up, heart on your sleeve. This includes things like wearing a religious symbol around your neck or a social cause t-shirt or a bracelet in the colors of an identity flag. That's not all. There's the detailed facts about your life. You post online that lay out everything regarding your tastes, beliefs, your friendships, your movements, your goals and your dreams. And I'm not telling you to dress only in muted tones and remove all information other than nature photos from your social media. But be aware that someone claiming to share your views could be lying. Don't trust it until you know it's real. Then there's the halo effect. I talked about this in podcast 2 when I discussed the preference of some abusers for women they meet at church or temple or at social cause rallies or charity events. They know they'll easily be associated with the values of the location or the cause, especially if they know the jargon and wear the symbols. It reminds me of a photo I saw of a petite young ethnic woman with a tall white guy at a women's march. They both wore the distinctive pink hats and he had on a t-shirt saying he was a male feminist. My knowledge of abusers made me immediately wary. And please note, I don't know them. It could be completely genuine. But I do know I couldn't help but wonder. Are those symbols born out by his genuine beliefs and his everyday behavior or is it just something he's doing on display in public? That type of thing is so easy to fake. Then there's loneliness. This is another one I've mentioned before, but it is so important it's worth repeating here. Being lonely and being desperate to be in a romantic relationship in general or with a specific man makes you easy prey. In these circumstances, if you run into an abuser, he doesn't even have to make sure his mask is firmly in place in order to entice you into a relationship. Loneliness is like an illness that you should take care to avoid. Find friends, take adult classes, volunteer, find something that interests you and participate in it. Do whatever you can to connect with other people so you're not easily picked off by an abuser. There's also trusting too easily. I never cease to be amazed by the number of women I meet who brag about how trusting they are is if that's a virtue. They get annoyed with me when I advise against blindly trusting strangers. Some get angry when I go through the protective measures you'll need if you're targeted by an abuser. I'm not trying to be mean or advising you to be hard. I'm advising you to be realistic and recognize bad things can happen to good people, especially good people who trust too easily. Hold back on your trust and love and expectations for the future until you have real knowledge of the other person. Last up today is filling in the blanks. By this I mean when you meet someone or enter into a new situation you fill in the blanks and your knowledge with whatever you want to be true instead of waiting until you find out the facts. If you do this you'll also probably resist the truth when it unfolds if it contradicts what you've imagined. I need you to become comfortable with holding back and holding off. Don't rush yourself. Give yourself time and emotional space when you meet someone new. So now you know authority and your upbringing can make it easier to be lured into an abusive relationship but there's more you should know before I explore the tactics themselves. The tactics used by abusers fall into a category known as psychological manipulation. The definition of this is simple. It's knowingly lying, pretending and deceiving someone in order to change how they think and believe and how they feel. The definition is simple but it's harder to do than you might think. It takes practice to use psychological manipulation well. It takes focus to figure out what to pretend to be and what to pretend to offer the target. It takes a complete lack of guilt to give convincing performances on a regular basis. It certainly takes effort which is another reason abusers rush to get their target emotionally tied into the relationship. They can't afford to let their masks slip until they know it won't cost them the relationship. Psychological manipulation is powerful because it's highly effective. Its methods, if done well, seem to bypass the rational parts of the mind and go straight into the emotions and the primal needs. It's also scary. Because a lot of psychological manipulations effectiveness is based on exposure. If you continue to be exposed to the tactics and you continue to interact with the person using them on you, you're going to be influenced. These methods work whether you have no ideas someone's manipulating you, whether you have mixed feelings about what's going on, or even if you tell the person outright, you're not going to do this to me. Sure, the abuser is going to be thinking in that case. Of course not, he's going to reassure you. If he's older than his late teens, he's probably done this often enough to know that if you allow him to stand your life and he continues to use the tactics, which he will do if perhaps a bit more subtly, you're going to be putty in his hands. He's going to get you. He's going to put you in an emotional cage, slam the door shut, and lock it. If that thought makes you feel uneasy, then I've done my job. I would rather you felt a bit uneasy while sitting safely at home or in your car listening to this podcast than having you scramble around for information on how to break free after your car in a committed relationship with an abuser. Working in this field, I've learned the only successful and effective protection against psychological manipulation is to get away and stay away from the person or group using its methods on you. The fact these methods are so effective regardless of your self-esteem, your education, your general savvy is why I believe it's so important to expose exactly what these tactics look like and how they make you feel. My job with this podcast series is to lay out the tricks employees abusers use so you'll easily recognize them when you see them or have them used on yourself or someone close to you. You need to be prepared and not surprised by how some of these tactics will make you feel. We're also going to talk about how you can build a support group around you that will encourage you to pay attention if you spot a tactic and not talk yourself out of doing something about it. I've noticed in my work over the past 13 years offering this information that clued in 10 girls and women can be seriously undermined if they tell the wrong person when they spot manipulation tactics being used on them. The wrong person will say you're just nervous or you're too picky or will accuse you of seeing monsters under the bed. These monsters will be in your bed if you don't pick wisely. And these monsters won't disappear just because you turn the lights on. I want your relationships to be healthy, happy and safe. That's why in the next episode we'll start going through the details on the tactics used by abusers. These tactics vary somewhat according to culture but they're basically the same all over the world. That's good news for us. Another piece of good news is the list of tactics isn't long. I'm going to share the most commonly used and successful tactics with you, along with a few other ones that aren't quite as prevalent but still important and I put in a group of honorable mentions. So please don't stop now. This knowledge is crucial and not being provided anywhere else. And as I keep reminding you, it's definitely knowledge abusers don't want you to know. If you have any questions, comments or would like to arrange in-person seminars or workshops, please email me at [email protected]. Please also contact me if you'd like to discuss sponsorship so we can keep this podcast series going. Join me next time on unmasking the abuser of the podcast. I'm Dr. Dina McMillan. [BLANK_AUDIO]