Unmasking the Abuser Episode 25 - Broad Brush Strokes

[Music] Hard to believe, but we're at episode 25 of the Unmasking the Abuser Podcast Series. I'm Dr. Dean of McMillan. I'm a social psychologist, a relationship consultant, and an expert on domestic abuse and violence. Last episode, we detailed some of the cleverest tricks used by abusers to entice new partners into their lives and to keep their victims from walking away. We went over some slide moves used at the beginning of the relationship, as well as some cunning ploys that are used once the relationship is established. I labeled some of these maneuvers with catchy names, like late date and large and in charge, and I'll show you mine. I didn't give them names because I was trying to be clever. Giving these manipulation tools names makes it easier for you to remember them and recognize them when they're being used on someone in real life. That brings us to today's episode. Now, I recently did a podcast with Remy Pearson on her perspective series. It's available on all the podcast platforms, including Apple podcasts. Look up R-E-M-I, Pearson, and Perspectives. She's a life coach who's done a lot of really good work. During our chat, I told her listeners I would send them a copy of the strategies of abusers if they contacted me. I gave them my email address, the same as this one, unmasking podcast, all one word, at gmail.com. The short document I was offering is called, "We walk into my parlour." That's the first line in the classic Mary Howett poem, "The Spider in the Fly." The poem itself is a sinister and realistic exemplar of romantic manipulation. I originally wrote that chapter for a domestic violence workbook I produced for one of my consulting clients. I wanted to give the workshop participants a broad stroke reference with the key information I'd covered in our half-day session. I've had quite a few requests from Remy Pearson's audience members. That made me think it may be useful to share that material with my podcast audience. For long-standing listeners, this will be a review. For my new listeners, this could be information you don't yet have. I've mentioned before many times how your brain works. This is incredibly important. Over the next few months, the world is on track to fully open up again. Abusers and predators of all kinds have been chomping at the bit, waiting to find a fresh group of victims. You're not going to be one of them, you say. You've paid attention to the information in these podcasts, you insist. Well, I'm very glad about that. Unfortunately, that by itself won't keep you safe. When something happens that stirs your emotions or triggers a primal response through fear or sexual desire, your rational mind is going to go into sleep mode. It won't fully wake up again until after the situation has passed. That will give you just enough time to rationalize why you did something that you swore to yourself you wouldn't. My usual audience members know about this. They recognize that we have to put this core knowledge into the parts of our brain that are awake and making decisions during heightened circumstances. That means you'll need strong self-control, support of family and friends, and a clear understanding of what's happening in your heart and mind. Being smart won't prevent you from feeling anger, fear, hunger, lust. So your understanding needs to include awareness of the differences between thoughts and feelings. Knowing something intellectually won't keep the other parts of your mind from responding to it. You have to be prepared to act against what your emotions and your primal reactions are trying to encourage you to do at that time. You have to have a plan in place to delay your actions when your feelings are high. Perhaps you'll perform some mindfulness doing a short breathing exercise and perhaps repeating a helpful mantra. Maybe you'll make an agreement with a close friend to remind you when you're tempted. And maybe you'll have something written down about the last time you gave in and how much it cost you. Find some way that works for you. It has to be an alert that you'll obey. It has to convince you that nothing is worth sacrificing your health, welfare, and future. Don't give yourself permission to rationalize a way giving in to need your reactions or short-term satisfaction when someone or something tugs your heartstrings or provokes your basic urges and desires. Keep telling yourself that anything real bears up under scrutiny. Give yourself time and be willing to put in the work to investigate before you act. If it's real and genuinely good for you, it will still be there. It also helps to rehearse before you go on stage in real life. Today, as we go through the key insights about abusive manipulation, actively participate instead of just listening. If you're already familiar with the tactics, remind yourself of what they are before I describe them. Imagine situations or circumstances that could contain these maneuvers. Make this experience something that will embed itself in all of the different parts of your mind so it's going to be available when and if you need it. The more you know, the greater your superpower. Expertise helps you see the maneuvers from all angles. Like X-ray vision, it allows you to spot the signs even if they're being disguised. Before we start, if you also want a copy of the chapter, please email me at UnmaskingPodcast, all one word at gmail.com. I'd also recommend reading my book that walks you through the process used by abusers. The book is short, accurate and accessible. It's called, but he says he loves me. It's available from Amazon worldwide. So, all ready? You're listening to the Unmasking the Abuser podcast with Dr. Dena McMillan. After many years working with victims and abusers, I continue to be asked to list the most useful and perhaps the most shocking insights I've gained about these toxic relationships. By now, you recognize there's a pattern to the way these relationships are put together. I studied the evolution of these relationships based upon interviews with thousands of victims and survivors. Further clarification came from confidential interviews with more than 700 abusers. It became evident there's a distinct visible strategy implemented by abusers to entice and trap new romantic partners. Abusers also hone their skills constantly. Except for random bursts of anger or loss of control, abusers' words and actions towards their targeted romantic partners aren't new, random or impulsive. Instead, they're practiced and polished until they sound genuine and spontaneous. Listen up, this is key. Abusers have full understanding of the impact of their promises, declarations and their actions. Also a core point, abusers use of planned strategic maneuvering starts at the very beginning of each new relationship. It continues throughout. In those extremely rare instances where targets, victims or survivors told me they recognized that they were manipulated, they thought it only happened once the relationship began to have significant problems. No, manipulation was used from the very start. The vast majority of targets, victims and survivors continued to have no clue about the intentional manipulation that was used on them by their abusers. No matter how hurt they had been emotionally, psychologically or even physically, they continued to believe the dynamics of their relationship. were spontaneous. The abuser was largely unaware of the damage being done. This just isn't true. In my interviews with these men and more than 90% were men, they were well aware of what they were doing, both the attractive moves and the mistreatment. They felt proud of their skill and believed they had a right to do whatever they felt would give them the type of relationship dynamic they needed. They saw it as serving their own interests. I know that's disturbing news if you haven't heard it before. It's certainly disturbed me enormously when I listened and witnessed their lack of concern for the harm they were doing to their partners. Let's look at the early days with an abuser. Abusers aren't satisfied by dominance only. They also want to be loved, trusted and needed. Abusers differ from romantic manipulators in that they're seeking a relationship not only a presexual encounter. For abusers, the early part of the relationship is a constant performance. It's the reason they push so hard and move so fast to get you firmly ensnared. It's incredibly uncomfortable for them to put so much effort in, especially with someone who may still just walk away. To capture you completely, abusers know they have to achieve three goals as quickly as possible. One, they have to gain your trust. Two, they need to stir your emotions and cement a strong bond from you to them. Three, they need to get you to surrender total control over your life. Abusers need to convince you that you can't live without them. They have to get you to believe your only path to the life you want is if you're in a relationship with the abuser. Whatever conditions he sets for that and whatever you have to sacrifice to do it. So how has it done? Abusers use well-rehearsed tactics on you that are highly effective. These include statements, promises, actions that the abusers have used successfully on other people. Although the style varies somewhat by situation and personality, abusers tend and seated stick to a limited range of tactics is actually lucky for us. It means we can easily identify these moves when we see them. The list of tactics is relatively short and can be identified and understood by most people. Now, there's a note here. I told myself to remind you that a single tactic doesn't define someone as an abuser. It does, however, mean the risk should be taken seriously. You need to remain wary and be willing to exit any relationship if serious warning signs appear. I should also mention here that knowledge alone isn't enough to keep you safe. There are two additional factors that matter just as much, if not more, than spotting the warning signs. Number one, if any of the tactics are identified by you, it's crucial to believe what you're seeing, hearing, and feeling. No rationalizations, no asking the potential abuser for an explanation. Fact or two, be willing to act on what you see in here. If you spot multiple tactics or experience serious warning signs, distance yourself, think about it as if someone you care about was in your shoes. What would you tell them? Probably that the risk was too high. So, protect yourself. Be willing to exit completely. This advice is especially relevant to teen girls and women. Most of us are brought up to do anything so we won't hurt someone's feelings. Abusers know how to work around that cultural training. They know how to get their way. You have to be prepared for their moves and not get thrown by the fact they'll stir your emotions and try to make you feel guilty. We talk about how to leave an abuser in other episodes, so get informed. For now, let's move on to abuser's strategy. There are two parts to abuser's strategy. In step one, abusers will select their target based upon their personal preferences. In step two, their target is groomed by using the tactics we're about to discuss. There's also a step three, but in many ways it's a replay of step two. It involves rerunning the tactics that worked best during the initial grooming process. Step two, to keep you from rejecting the relationship or to convince you to return. Abusers don't have to be geniuses. Simple trial and error show them what works and what doesn't. Then they reuse the same tactics with each new target. They'll adapt them only slightly to match the personality, beliefs and fears of the new target. Whenever outright deception is used, abusers will stick to a limited series of plausible lies that are easy for them to remember. This approach gives abusers the opportunity to practice their delivery until their scripted words seem both heartfelt and natural. Now let's look at how they select their targets. Choosing a target for a relationship usually falls into three categories. Most abusers have a strong preference and go for the same type each time. I call type one, ready and set. The women in this category have already been trained to surrender total control of their lives to their male partner. If this applies to you, you are probably brought up in a strict culture where sex roles are firm and separate and submission to male authority is expected. The abuser doesn't have to strategize to gain control. He may only have to convince you and your family that your basic needs will be met and he usually has to offer you marriage. By the way, this ready and set category is also relevant to males being pursued by female abusers. Most of the teen boys and men I've encountered who've had relationships with abusive women were either severely neglected growing up or they had a controlling, emotionally abusive mother. They were also ready and set to surrender complete authority over their lives to their romantic partner. Admittedly, this is far easier if the abuser is a man and his victims a woman. The abuser can refer to whatever cultural norms or religious texts support his total authority. He'll distort these writings or practices in ways they were never intended, including claiming it's his right to assault you physically or sexually. He'll know how to twist cultural norms to keep himself from being held accountable by you, your family or your community. Another large segment of women in this category come from farming backgrounds where responsibilities are divided by sex due to practicalities, not religion. I should also mention that if you have low self-worth or if you survived a previous long-term relationship with an abuser, your experience may have conditioned you to accept this dynamic again. The good news is that conditioning can be reversed with knowledge, support and consistent action. Let's look at tie two. Here you're selected by an abuser due to your significant disadvantages relative to him. Age, education, income, social background, physical attractiveness, sexual experience, family ties. Perhaps you come from a disadvantage ethnic group or your recent immigrant. The abuser will make sure you're always aware of your shortfalls and will repeatedly draw attention to them. He'll also increase the gap between the two of you whenever possible. If you're in type two, in your lives together, the spotlight will only be allowed to shine on the abuser. Soon you may forget you deserve a light of your own. You'll begin to believe your only chance for an exceptional life is by the abuser's side. From the start, the abuser will have complete control over your lives together. Age three is the challenge. That's for all of you who are feeling smug about the first two types. Oddly enough, some abusers prefer independent women. They're willing to expand the additional effort to break your spirit and make you dependent. With Type 3 though, abusers also realize they have to be clevered to keep you from rejecting them early. They rely on one circumstances. When times are tough, your discernment may be temporarily weakened. This can create a blind spot so you'll miss warning signs that would be evident under normal circumstances. Even if you recognize worrying traits, you may be distracted and less likely to act on them. 2. Halo Effect. The abuser will pretend to be your ideal partner, assisted by the surroundings in which he meets you. A church or place of worship? At a rally for a social cause or a political group. While you're both participating in a charity event. He knows you'll be inclined to think the two of you share important values and you'll both like and trust him more easily. 3. Equal Footing. In this case, gaining control requires smashing your confidence while expanding your respect and admiration for him. More than the other abusers in this category, will use criticism, contempt, mockery and humiliation at every opportunity. He'll soon have you believing you should be grateful for his attention. 4. Mirroring. The abuser will claim he shares your values, tastes and principles to gain your trust and establish an emotional bond. In other words, he'll lie to get you to like him. Abusers lie often and well. 5. Harry Helpful. He may offer assistance when you're overwhelmed with responsibilities. In contrast to the circumstances category we discussed before, the burden here is long standing not temporary. Once he helps you out, you'll feel obligated to spend at least some time with him. Even if you notice something's off about him, you'll also know that rejecting him outright will cost you his help in the future. 6. On your side. The abuser here presents himself as your biggest ally, offering a sympathetic ear above and beyond whatever you're finding elsewhere. He's always available for a chat and always takes your side, blaming other people for any challenges you face. He enthusiastically supports you even if, or especially if, you're wrong. This ruse is the same as feeding the weeds, but applied early. 7. Proud before the fall. Most savvy women believe they can't be lured into an abusive relationship. Big mistake. Cunning abusers will know how to get around that. He knows you'll be in denial about what's happening. If you don't get out quickly, the trap will snap shut and you'll become another victim of an abuser. So, are you ready now for abusers tactics? Sometimes there's some overlap. At other times, one tactic will be used earlier in their relationship and a more severe version after the relationship is more committed. Keep in mind, abusers willingness to lie, deceive, and blame others for his mistakes. 1. Testing and Training. Remember this? From their first interaction with you, the abuser will test the target to determine your level of confidence and the firmness of your personal boundaries. He'll constantly push against those boundaries using each incidence of compliance on your part to push further. His goal is to train you to gain full submission as quickly as possible. The tests can include things like changing plans at the last minute to see how you handle it, asking for information that's too intimate, requesting you meet at a time and a place that's inconvenient for you. The specifics may differ but not the goal. Whenever you give in, you'll be rewarded with attention, compliments, and promises. If you resist or say no, you'll be punished by silence, attention paid to other women, or comments that perhaps the relationship may not work out. You'll learn quickly. 2. Domination. Your brain will interpret repeated acts of compliance with the abusers will, as an indicator that he's a legitimate authority over you. Once it does this, it won't panic when his behavior crosses boundaries, such as privacy, choices, and personal space. It will prod you to just do what you're told. As for the abuser, each compromise you make will be quickly followed by an even larger demand. Soon he'll openly give you orders, saying no will result in ever-harsher punishments, the ones that work during the earlier testing and training phase. 3. Love bombing and hurt bombing. Love bombing is simple and effective. The abuser pays attention to how you present yourself and how you behave. He'll listen to you and perhaps he'll ask you thoughtful questions. Then he'll use this knowledge to shower you with pleasing compliments, promises, attention, and perhaps even gifts. Everything he offers will be emotionally on point based upon what you revealed about yourself. This over-the-top tactic will make you feel good and long for more. The second part of this tactic, hurt bombing, involves the abuser using these same insights to shape the most excruciating criticisms, complaints, and comments possible. These will devastate you emotionally and lower your self-esteem. He'll do this to punish you for any real or perceived defiance, to vent his bad mood, or just to keep you off balance. 4. Fairytale lore and future shock is extremely effective. From the start, the abuser invites you to visualize, emotionally invest, and believe in an ideal future and a perfect life. He promises it will happen. But only if you're in a relationship with him. The more you believe the abuser, the more demand he can make on you without being criticized, refused, or rejected. This tactic will be pulled out again to keep you from leaving the relationship or to get you to return. With future shock, the abuser triggers your deepest fears about the years ahead, loneliness, loss of opportunity to have children, children without a father, impoverishment, lack of security, etc. If he's a skilled storyteller and many of them are, he can make you so afraid of a future without him, you'll be willing to deceive yourself and fully invest in the relationship. 5. Criticism and contempt. The abuser will always demand a relationship where he can dominate his partner completely. This isn't possible with a confident partner. Therefore, from the beginning, the abuser will make frequent remarks about your every flaw, mistake, or disadvantage, or those he can convince you you have. He'll mock your beliefs and preferences. Humiliation and frequent embarrassment are also part of this tactic. He'll focus constant attention on these shortcomings, punishing you harshly if you dare to try to do the same to him. His exaggeration of your failings will soon make you feel unworthy of a relationship with him. The real goal is for you to remain diminished and low. That way you'll let yourself be controlled and mistreated without retaliating or leaving the relationship. 6. Marathoning. When first involved romantically, the abuser will extend every interaction as long as possible. When you're together, the abuser will try to talk you out of going home. Once you're apart, he'll text and video conference late into the night. This creates something called artificial intimacy. You'll soon feel like you've known him for a long time and that you know each other well. This distorted perception will increase your compliance and allows the abuser to push your boundaries even further. And there's another benefit for the abuser. You'll be more likely to reveal things he can use to fully exploit you. Things you may not have been comfortable sharing during the love bombing phase. You'll be more open at 3 a.m. after long hours of conversation and when you're exhausted. In all ways, exhaustion and prolonged contact make you easier to manipulate. Number seven, lay miz. This includes both misdirection and misattribution. The first miz misdirection is just distraction. The abuser will distract you with flattering compliments, attention, big promises and showy gifts so you'll focus on these gestures and how good they make you feel. It's a type of love bombing. If done well, these will overshadow the damage done by the criticism, belittlement, demands for complete control and pathological jealousy that are also happening. If the good seems to outweigh the bad, you'll be less likely to reject him. The second miz misattribution is simply putting a positive spin on negative actions. The abuser will simply relabel and redefine his negative behaviors. Demands for control are called protectiveness. Rage is passion, excessive jealousy is madly in love. Daily act that would scare you is quickly and smoothly repackaged as romantic, masculine or harmless. Number eight, you and me against the world. From the start, the abuser will insist you view the two of you as a single unit together forever. He'll go from not in your life to all over your life in one fell swoop. He'll be required to remain focused on him and his needs and desires at all times. While he retains his freedom of movement, you can't go anywhere without him. He'll start an argument before you go, feign illness or show excessively hurt feelings if you try. If you go without him anyway, his anger, resentment and vindictive payback will burn hot for weeks. Helping you the high cost of resisting his demands. If he goes with you, he may behave in a manner that will humiliate you or upset other people. Invitations will become scarcer. He'll insist you shouldn't worry about it. He's the only one who really loves you, understands you, wants to protect you from a harsh world. He'll repeatedly tell you that you don't need anyone else. Number 9 is feeding the weeds. The abuser will take your side whenever you have a problem with anyone else. Well, as long as it doesn't impact your availability and submission to him, he'll be especially likely to take your side when you're wrong and the situation risks harming your career prospects or your personal relationships. He'll suggest follow-up actions that will exacerbate rather than mitigate the problem. You'll be increasingly likely to make mistakes that will leave you without any support other than that from the abuser. 10. Isolation Abuse thrives in isolation, where the abuser's erratic and cruel behavior can be acted out without question or scrutiny. The hypercontrolling and jealous abuser will demand all of your attention, devotion and affection. His needs and wants must be prioritized over everyone else, including any children. He'll actively maneuver to ruin your relationships, using whatever you've told him to inflame any resentments, feelings of competition or jealousies. He'll also undermine and obstruct your opportunities for career success, increasing your dependence on him and isolation from others. 11. Rage and Anger These emotions are the central core of the abuser's psyche. At first, he'll try to disguise how much rage he feels so you won't be scared. If you worry about it, he'll buy you a flashy present or make an enticing promise. He'll swear he'll seek professional help, or he'll claim the power of your love will fix him. Once you become committed to him, he'll stop pretending. He'll vent his rage and cruelty whenever he chooses at you and your children. 12. Broken Promises Frequently breaking promises can create an odd dynamic. There's joy in the wonderful promises made by the abuser, followed by despair when they aren't kept. This emotional roller coaster will be used throughout the relationship. Strangely enough, his lack of reliability usually strengthens rather than diminishes your bond to him. For that, you can blame the processing of the human brain. The carrot and stick used with promises can work for a long time before you stop believing. 13. Double Standard Any relationship with an abuser involves a tacit agreement to live and accept an extreme double standard. As the dominant partner, the abuser is privileged to make all of the decisions and he's allowed to make all of the mistakes. He's free to spend your mutual resources as he pleases. When he becomes enraged and hurts you emotionally or even physically, he expects to be forgiven without hesitation or reminder. You'll be required to love, honor and obey without any expectation of reciprocity. It's his way or the highway in this relationship. Number 14 is push pull, otherwise known as intermittent reward. This means the abuser will push you away and pull you closer. He'll be hot and cold in his behavior. Again, because of the workings of the brain, this probably won't make you reject him. Instead, it will create a strong, durable bond. It's respond to intensity and powerful emotions. These emotions form quickly, but also may be lasting. This is the reason abusive relationships are more successfully severed when they're disrupted early before any kind of emotional or psychological links can become cemented. Now, there are a few other tactics that happen often, so I give them something I call honorable mentions, A. Gaslighting. When the abuser wants to avoid being held accountable, he may try to convince you his cruel behavior, betrayal or lies didn't actually happen, or they weren't as bad as you believe. He may even claim the person who committed the bad act was someone from your past and not him. Old abusers may even try to convince you that you committed the acts yourself, and he was the person hurt by it. A common alternative is to use misattribution, to reinterpret the act, turning it into something positive or at the very least something harmless. He'll try to get you to suppress your response and support the abuser's feelings. If you resist, you'll be punished and punished harshly. B. Seeking allies, including the use of flying monkeys. During the love bombing phase, many abusers will do more than offer big gestures and gifts to excite you their target. They'll do these things publicly, so your family, friends and work colleagues are impressed and classify the abuser as a great guy and a catch. These gestures may also be directed at your nearest and dearest, as the abusers seeks to gain allies he can use in the future. Then, when things go wrong, he'll actively solicit these allies' help in pleading his case. If the allies have only seen his positive moves, they may agree to help him. The abuser may also use flying monkeys, a term for using other people to attack someone. Many abusers will whisper in the ears of your support system, planting false stories about you that call into question your character, your behavior, even your mental stability. Sometimes the abuser will blame you for something wrong that was in fact committed by him. This process may begin well before there are obvious cracks in the new relationship. The abuser is shoring up support for himself and planting seeds of doubt about you in case a future need. Later, if you mention the terrible things he's done, you may not be believed or maybe thought to be exaggerating. Let's look next at Darvo. Darvo is an acronym for Denai Attack Reverse Victim and Defender. It's the standard response of abusers when caught. The Darvo response is to first deny whatever they did, even happened. They should probably have 3Ds as they'll deny, deny, deny until they can't anymore. Perhaps because the evidence is too strong. Then the abuser will go on the attack, aggressively accusing you of being responsible for whatever he did wrong. This is often followed by a range of reasons. The abuser is, in fact, the injured party, and you need to beg his forgiveness and make amends. D, scapegoating. Abusers always blame something or someone else for their mistakes in bad behavior. When the relationship is new, this can be anyone or anything. Their boss, their parents, their ex, their drinking. Quickly on, you may even be convinced yourself and blame these other people or factors too. Once the relationship is established, you become the person blamed for everything the abuser does wrong and whatever goes badly in his life. Are you all clear? Do you have any questions or comments? Were these broad strokes a useful review? If you want to talk about anything here or if you'd like a copy of this information, contact me at [email protected]. That's unmaskingpodcast, all one word, at gmail.com. Thanks for listening. I'm Dr. Dina McMillan.