[Music]
Hello and welcome to episode 15 of Unmasking the Abuser, the podcast.
I'm Dr. Dean of McMillan. I'm a social psychologist and domestic violence expert.
I'm the author of the book on abusive manipulation, called "But He Says He Loves Me."
In our last episode, our goal was to help you find out something about yourself
that you may not have known. We went through a basic test
from my circles of intimacy material to help you discover
if any of your relationships are toxic. We looked at all types of relationships,
not just romantic ones. If you haven't listened to it yet,
I highly recommend it. Some of you may have been shocked
when the test showed you a problematic relationship
is more seriously harmful than you were willing to acknowledge.
Others were less surprised and more reassured
that your feelings about a specific relationship
aren't because you're overly sensitive or need to lighten up.
Toxic, after all, means poisonous and dangerous. It means you need to protect yourself from that person.
I went through that test on this podcast because I believe
the circles of intimacy guides I developed
offer crucial information on the dynamics in our relationships.
There are a way of seeing how we really feel about the people in our lives.
Based upon their actions, the tests also give us a window
to peer in and see how the people in our lives really feel about us.
Whether or not we like the answers, we're empowered when we know the truth.
We're going to delve deeper into the circles of intimacy
in our next episode. I appreciate that material because most people
don't have any reliable method for deciphering how the people close to them really feel about them.
I find this circles of intimacy even more valuable
because they let us peek deeply into our own hearts and minds
to determine how we really feel about other people.
Down deep, where we often find it sore to the touch
and can be hesitant to bring it up to the light.
We're going to continue that journey into self discovery today.
Before we go there, if you want me to send you the questions
and the scoring from last week's episode on toxic relationships
or if you have any questions or concerns, simply email me.
The address is
[email protected].
That's unmaskingpodcast, all one word at gmail.com.
I have to credit the topic for today to a book by a man named David Goggins.
He wrote a fascinating book about his life that includes some powerful tools
for dealing with life's challenges and make ourselves stronger.
The book is called Can't Hurt Me. My daughter recommended it to me
and gave me the same warning I'm about to share with you.
The book is an incredible story and instruction manual
for turning your life around.
It's also full of wrong language and sexist terminology.
Get past that, though, and what he says is so useful, I highly recommend it.
I bought the book from Amazon in the audible version
so I can listen to it as I go on my daily walk.
In the audible version, he also added interview content
like a podcast to the material rather than just reading the book
or having someone else read the book.
That's also a treat as he adds context, interesting insights,
and little tidbits that aren't in the written material.
One thing he discusses is highly relevant for what we're doing here.
He mentions that most of us avoid thinking about our weaknesses,
but we can't get truly strong unless we know where their soft spots are
and put effort into strengthening those fragile areas.
Since I've you having the knowledge I'm sharing in this podcast series,
as putting you in touch with your superpower,
that philosophy really resonated with me.
You know what I mean, right? When you're in a group of women
and we're discussing our failed relationships,
we can all illustrate in minute detail exactly what these guys did wrong
and how disappointing they were.
Even if that relationship wouldn't be described as abusive,
we can describe every one of our excess flaws in vivid color
when we're talking to each other.
Come on, admit it. If you haven't encountered this,
I'd suggest you go to a beauty shop, hairdresser, nail salon,
hair salon, or any place really where women gather and spend enough time together
to share gossip, and then just listen.
It's fascinating how we have no hesitation
about waving all of our excess faults under a spotlight.
But how often do we stop and ask ourselves
how these men were able to get into our lives?
What are the faults and flaws that we possess?
What weaknesses do we have that keep letting us down that lead us to bad situations
where we affix ourselves instead of running for the closest door?
Identifying our own contributions to our relationship disasters
and being brave enough to admit them even if only to ourselves matters.
It matters because any unrealistic ideals or limiting attitudes we hold
are places where a manipulator, including an abuser, will strike.
It's these weaknesses that make us vulnerable to getting involved with an abuser
and keep us from leaving as soon as we recognize our danger.
These faults in our thinking can also blind us to people and situations
where our instincts are ringing a loud claxon warning us there's a threat.
Instead we'll cling to patterns of behavior or cherish values
that are putting a target on our backs.
I won't lie what I'm asking you to do today can be tough.
David Goggins frankly shares his worst weaknesses and biggest failures
as he went through various types of elite training for special forces
in different branches of the US military.
All of them involved harsh cruel instructors and punishing
do-or-die competition between the applicants.
At the risk of sounding sexist myself that's not usually how women operate.
Our relationships with each other are usually based on being kind
and considerate, on being supportive, on reassuring each other
that our flaws aren't as bad as we think and those pants really don't make us look fat.
We women tend to base our relationships with each other
and even with men on overlooking flaws not highlighting them.
We certainly never consider using a strategy
where we poke ourselves and each other in our shortcomings
to help us develop calluses over them.
We rarely decide to take active steps to strengthen ourselves,
to bear this discomfort that is stopping us from reaching our goals.
Instead we're taught from the time we're little girls to rush in and try to protect
these weaknesses in our cells and others so no one feels hurt.
It's a rare situation where women are expected to take a cold hard look in the mirror
and admit exactly what we see with regard to our attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors.
We're not encouraged to assess where the advocated directors of be nice and be kind
and include everyone actually leave us in the real world.
Well, they leave us as prey like a quivering bunny rabbit waiting for the fox,
the wolf, or the hawk to sweep down and shred us with their piercing claws.
I'm sure you're thinking about the major exception to this harsh self-exam
and passive approach. It lies in society's emphasis and focus on our beauty flaws.
These are emphasized and exaggerated by everything and everyone in our environment
from our earliest days. Even in that case though, no one is expecting women
to just accept what they find. Instead, companies are always nearby, holding out makeup,
Moisturizer, or even a scalpel.
to remedy our perceived flaws.
The message is clear.
If you're not beautiful enough,
you're not valuable enough.
Fix it.
Women aren't taught to accept ourselves
and believe we have intrinsic value.
That's not based on our level of physical beauty.
So, in a nutshell, girls and women
are taught to worry about everyone else
to choose placating gestures and selflessness
over strength and goal seeking,
with the exception of expanding as much energy as possible,
being or becoming physically beautiful
and appealing to men.
Keeping all that in mind,
I should mention here that following the suggestions
and using the information in this podcast series
will improve your ability to withstand
detrimental social conditioning, too.
It's a wonderful benefit that accompanies your new superpower.
It reminds me of something that happened to me recently.
A few months ago, I started taking saffron supplements
because they said it helps to endure stress.
Then I began noticing my vision improving.
I don't need to wear my glasses as often
at my computer or when I'm watching TV.
I looked it up and they say saffron has those benefits, too,
for your vision,
along with being good for your memory.
I love it when something you do or take
has those unexpected pluses.
That's certainly better than that long list
of nasty side effects.
Pharmaceutical companies are forced to include
whenever they talk about their new products.
I know delving into this kind of self-exploration
as hard work.
For some of you, even questioning
if some of your beliefs and attitudes
are making you vulnerable is painful.
I'm asking you to potentially remove values, perceptions,
and dreams that may define you in your mind.
You've used these to choose friends, partners,
and even political causes.
You may have some of these principles
adorning a poster in your bedroom
or embroidered on a pillow on your couch.
When people ask you to tell about yourself
or you're getting to know new people,
these are some of the first qualities about yourself
that you mention.
You're convinced they're assets, not liabilities.
I think you realize by now, though,
that having a superpower can lead you
to long-term happiness.
This is bigger than the temporary rush you get
when you declare you see the best in everyone
or feel pride that you're a trusting person
or feel noble because you give more than you get.
Seeing clearly and protecting yourself and others
is more likely to bring you healthy relationships.
Having a superpower where you're able to protect yourself
from manipulation and abuse still allows you to be nice,
considerate, loving, civil to those you disagree with,
and a warm person.
It means that in addition to these wonderful qualities,
you're also observant and discerning
and unwilling to be played for a fool.
You're patient and willing to wait
before you jump into a situation.
You take a deep breath
and realistically consider your options
before you make important decisions.
Let's take a look at some of the soft spots
I'm talking about when I say
that these can put you at risk.
They can sap your strength.
They can convince you to ignore your protective instincts
or get you to convince yourself you're wrong
to see someone clearly
or to hold someone accountable for their behavior.
What I want you to do here is ask yourself
if any of these statements resonate with you,
give you a little flutter in your stomach,
make your heart jump or feel warm.
Are any of these statements true to you?
Are they something you say even if just to yourself?
Are they something you do?
Don't edit yourself or rationalize
why you think some of these are positive and true
and should be aimed for not scorned.
You don't have to explain anything to me or anyone else.
This is only between you and you.
This is about shoring up your weaknesses,
not tearing you down.
(upbeat music)
You're listening to the Unmasking the Abuser podcast
with Dr. Dena McMillan
and now we're going to go through some values,
beliefs and principles that may sound positive
but actually increase your emotional risk in real life.
Ready?
As I read, just take them in and ask
if any of these resonate for you.
One, I believe things always work out for the best.
Two, I think things happen the way they're supposed to,
that it's fate.
Three, if I have to choose between being kind
and being right, I choose being kind.
Four, I trust people until they prove they can't be trusted.
Five, I'd rather be too nice and get hurt
than be too demanding and have people think I'm angry
or harsh or mean.
Six, I think everyone deserves a second
or even a third chance.
Seven, I view myself as very easygoing.
Eight, once something is done, it's over.
There's no reason to dredge it up again.
Nine, I always see the best in people.
Ten, if someone is really insistent about something,
I usually give in.
Eleven, I'm not big on learning
from other people's experiences or mistakes.
I have to experience something myself to learn the lesson.
So, how did you go?
Did some surprise you?
They may have because I told you certain beliefs
and behavior patterns can make you vulnerable,
even if they don't mean you're a bad person.
What about your beliefs on romance and men?
Here again, most of what I'm going to list
are normal, commonplace beliefs.
Yet these are the kinds of beliefs
that can make it harder for you to spot an abuser
behind his mask.
One, I can't change my taste when it comes to men.
Two, masculine men are also controlling.
Three, men are naturally more selfish than women.
Four, men can't be expected to understand women.
Five, men need sex, women don't.
Six, all men cheat.
Seven, when a man is jealous, it means he cares about you.
Eight, I find bad boys much more fun and interesting
than nice guys.
Nine, nice guys are bland and sexually inadequate.
Ten, what I really want is to be swept away by romance.
As you can tell in the cold light of day,
these beliefs are all about closing your eyes,
crossing your fingers and hoping you get lucky.
They link high risk with passion and excitement.
They also contain a lot of untrue, even toxic social messages
promising that controlling, selfish, jealous,
and disloyal men bring passionate romance.
Don't you believe it?
You won't find it alluring
when you have to grab all of your things
and escape his clutches in the middle of the night.
Okay, now brace yourself
because the best predictor of your future behavior
is your past behavior.
I'm not saying this to underestimate your motivation
and it's not written in stone.
I mention it because your past can expose tendencies
that you're disinclined to admit to yourself.
That's why looking at how you've handled romance
and friendships in your past can be the most accurate guide
to show you where you're still at risk now.
I know even the suggestion
that we may not have outgrown past patterns of behavior
can be uncomfortable.
When we've been hurt, we swear to ourselves
we will never do this or do that again.
We promise ourselves we'll be smarter next time
and not repeat our mistakes.
For better or worse though, once the crisis has passed,
will tend to fall back into patterns that are familiar.
It takes strong motivation not to regress.
One thing that can help you stay strong is the kind of support I'm going to discuss in
a few minutes.
Here are some values, feelings and circumstances that may have driven some of your past life
choices.
Ask yourself if any of them fit you.
If you're not sure, listen to this podcast with trusted loved ones and ask their opinions
about whether these apply to you.
Number one.
I think it takes courage to get romantically involved with someone who's had a very troubled
past.
It's something to be proud of and embrace.
Two, I plunge right in romantically whenever I feel attracted to someone.
Three, I really dislike being single.
I don't feel okay unless I'm part of a couple.
Four, I've gotten involved with men I didn't want because I was lonely.
Five, I'm a free spirit.
I believe being too careful about a man ruins the mystery and the romance.
Six, I've had relationships with men I didn't really want to be with because I felt sorry
for them or because they put a lot of effort into pursuing me.
Seven, I've stayed in at least one relationship that I didn't want to be in because I'd invested
too much to just walk away.
Eight, I've returned to a relationship or stayed in a relationship because my partner threatened
to hurt himself if we broke up.
Nine, I tell myself all the time, no pain, no gain.
Suffering is just part of a meaningful relationship.
Ten, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.
Well, did you pick up the problems in that set of beliefs and behaviors?
Think about it.
They can indicate someone who gets involved when she feels desperate or will get involved
to stave off loneliness.
They highlight a mindset of someone who's willing to turn off her brain and just go where
the wind takes her.
It also shows an openness to emotional blackmail and an unwillingness to move on when all the
signs show the relationship is a failure.
If you agreed with anything on that list, you're definitely at risk of getting involved
with an abuser.
You won't allow yourself to process the warning signs.
He'll be able to manipulate and blackmail you into staying.
You'll become what Karen Saminson calls an "interpainer," someone who feels glorified
by the suffering she endures in her relationship and enjoys telling everyone all the gory details.
Please note, though, your past does not have to define you unless you let it.
Knowing you're vulnerable in some ways means you'll have to consistently and consciously
watch yourself in the present and in the future to make sure you don't repeat old habits.
Really grabbing onto these strategies and tactics in this unmasking the abuser series
is an important step to help you take the right direction when you get to the crossroads.
There's also another smart action you can take to improve your chances of growth and
self-protection in your relationships.
Throughout this podcast journey, I've mentioned finding or even starting an unmasking the
abuser support group with women of different ages and backgrounds.
You can meet with each other in person or schedule the time and space to do it virtually.
The only conditions are, you have to listen to the podcasts, take the tactics in warning
signs seriously, be frank and open, but not judgmental, and be willing to share details
about any and all new romantic prospects in your life.
However often you and the group decide to get together, be reliable in your attendance.
Your meetings don't have to last long, but it has to be enough of a priority that most
of you show up for the majority of the meetings.
Now this isn't a group that gets together to rehash issues with past abusive partners.
The purpose here is to get so well acquainted with abusers' methods, ploys, and tricks
that you easily and clearly recognize them whenever you come across them in your life.
It may also be helpful to discuss how abusers' tactics show up in non-romantic settings
too, and everyone who attends will want to be honed in on what to look for so none of
you are caught unaware.
You should also discuss how to respond when you spot the tactics or feel manipulated or
just sense something maybe off.
You all should understand how critical it is to remain emotionally distant when you first
start seeing someone.
Don't get your hopes up too soon.
Not allow a new romantic prospect to rush you into anything or pull you into imagining
happily ever after.
Put the emotional breaks on.
If this guy is Mr. Wright, you'll have time for all of that once you really get to know
him and can be confident he's not wearing a mask.
You'll certainly need to reassure each other in the group not to feel guilty for rejecting
a potential abuser no matter how hurt he claims to be or how unfair he accuses you of being.
Your support team can help you stay strong and steadfast.
Abusers will try to get underneath your guard using anything they know about you.
Now the unmasking the abuser program works at any stage of a relationship where it differs
is that it offers a rare opportunity for prevention.
It exposes the key warning signs so you can exit the relationship before you get emotionally
involved.
In order to do that, it's best not to rely only on your own subjective views unless you
have no other choice.
Being a group or even just a friend who's on the same page with you can be invaluable.
Before we end today, I want to clarify what I mean by weaknesses in this episode in case
it was really tough for anybody to hear.
I don't want you to finish listening and feel bad about yourself.
My reason for bringing up those beliefs, attitudes, even values is that they make it easier
for someone to manipulate you.
If you hold those views, even learning the tactics that I'm showing you may not be enough.
You may not be willing to admit even to yourself when a new guy is showing warning signs.
You may be tempted to weigh any poison spot too lightly so you can justify staying in
the relationship to yourself and other people.
It lets you act surprised when he turns out to be what we've shown you he is.
Two of the most common risk factors I come across is women who insist on seeing only
the best in people.
And women who tell themselves they're in love too quickly.
I know these are actively encouraged for women, we see them in our homes growing up, in
the fairy tales that were read to us, in the romance novels and chick flicks marketed
to us as adults, yet they make it much easier for someone with bad intentions to take advantage.
We have to be willing to first separate ourselves from any attitude or belief that could blind
us to an abuser or prevent us from rejecting him if we notice someone scary underneath
his prince charming mask.
Second, we have to be willing to shield ourselves alone or with the help of other women so we
don't let ourselves make excuses or refuse to act on what we now know.
Being of no, we have to learn to say no and mean it.
We can't allow a potential abuser to use guilt or accusations of prejudice or accusations
of bitterness or man hating to get us to back down.
We have to be willing to be alone for a while rather than risk being with a potential abuser.
Being out of abusive relationships requires more than just dumb luck.
It requires skill and personal fortitude.
It demands we be strong enough to identify any beliefs we hold
that don't serve us anymore. We have to change the way we behave
when we're getting to know someone romantically.
Today was all about ways of thinking that make it hard to put your new super power to work.
If you decide to ignore this advice, keep in mind, those principles you're clutching
to your chest can effectively blind you to the tricks and maneuvers used by abusers.
If an abuser pursues you, by the time you realize you're in trouble, you'll be in so
deep you'll find it hard to break free.
Being in a support group with other women of differing ages, experience levels, education
levels can be the key to getting all of you past the finish line.
If you do this correctly and are willing to be open, honest, and non-judgmental with
each other, you can help keep each other safe.
You can also encourage each other to keep going until you find that healthy relationship
you deserve.
You won't have to depend on family or friends who tell you that you're too picky or that
your biological clock is ticking or your expectations are unrealistic or any of the things people
say when they don't recognize the grooming tactics used by abusers.
So are you willing to admit your tender spots?
Are you willing to be honest with yourself?
Are you willing now to take responsibility for your life and do more than just cross your
fingers and hope for happily ever after?
Give yourself some time to think about it.
You know that question that sometimes floats around social media or that you hear from
life coaches?
The one that asks, "If you could go back and give yourself advice when you were younger,
what would you say?"
It's interesting that this can be a way of spotting some of your romantic weaknesses.
Often when we think about something like that, we consider a broad suggestion that would
be relevant for more than one situation or relationship.
So what would you tell your younger self if you could have a do-over?
Next, try taking out a piece of paper and asking yourself where your beliefs or behaviors
make you vulnerable.
You can type it, but it won't be as strong as if you actually write it down.
Again, these are not necessarily negative traits.
Seeing the best in people usually means you're quite nice and you're willing to give someone
who's made a mistake another chance.
And it also means you'll stop yourself from listening to your instincts, to the warnings
from the people around you who tell you that someone isn't who you think they are, that
perhaps they're using you or cheating or telling you something to your face and saying
the opposite behind your back.
Ask yourself about yourself and be as brutally honest as you can stand.
If you've been hurt by someone in your past, ask yourself, what didn't you notice that
later came out and caused you pain?
Is it the same thing you didn't notice or tried to convince yourself was harmless in
someone else?
One of the big questions, did you get involved out of loneliness or because someone really
liked you and you didn't want to hurt his feelings?
Are you warned about someone and chose to ignore it?
Do you tend to fall in love as soon as you feel attraction or lust for someone?
Picking out another gem from earlier, do you believe everything happens for a reason
that the pain in your past made you a better person?
That everything works out in the end.
I certainly can't argue with the first one that everything happens for a reason, but
sometimes the reason is you made poor choices and they cost you dearly.
In a similar vein, holding up situations that could have been prevented as a badge of
glory will subconsciously welcome more pain into your life.
Is that what you really want?
And everything does work out in the end.
But unless you put in the correct pieces, the way it works out could spell disaster for
you and for your loved ones.
Confusing pain with honor or worthiness or moral superiority is not going to serve you well.
Take that out of your subconscious or it's going to interfere with your intuition and
your willingness to take action to protect yourself.
Your brain will think you like suffering and so it will help you suffer more.
Some of you may want to ask your loved ones where they believe you are vulnerable.
Don't ask anyone who is going to use your request as an opportunity to hurt your feelings.
If you feel comfortable, tell your family member or friend the truth that you are trying
to shore up those areas that have made you vulnerable to poor choices and bad men.
To do that, you need to identify your weaknesses.
Please also tell them what I told you.
These aren't traits that necessarily make you a bad person.
Sometimes they are the same traits that make you calm and forgiving and empathetic.
But when it comes to romance, reconsider any attitude that makes you easy to manipulate
or dulls your self-protective instincts, save your emotion and effort for someone worthy.
All good?
Are you taking a deep breath and considering how important this is?
I'm proud of you for even listening to this point.
It can be very challenging, I know, because I've had to do it for myself.
I will never ask you to do something I won't do myself.
Now in our next episode, we're going back to the circles of intimacy.
As promised, this time, we're going to look more generally, not about toxic relationships.
I want you to be smart about where you expend your time, your emotion, and your openness.
I'm going to help you make an accurate assessment of how you really feel and where you really
stand with the people in your life.
Until then, any questions, comments, or stories you want to share, please email me at
[email protected].
I hope you'll join me next time.
Thank you for listening.
I'm Dr. Dena McMillan.
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