Unmasking the Abuser Episode 14 - Toxic Relationships

Welcome aboard to episode 14 of Unmask in the Abuser, the podcast. As you know, I'm Dr. Dean McMillan. I'm a social psychologist and domestic violence expert. I'm also the author of the book on Abuser's tactics called Buddy Sese loves me. I promised you last time we'd continue that important discussion on abuse in non-romantic relationships. These can be family relationships, friendships, even work relationships. I once shared a house with an abuser. Many of you who've been in shared accommodation situations have experienced something similar. Of course, when it's a family member, it can be incredibly tricky and uncomfortable. Everyone tells you to just try to get along. Family events become a challenge. Not to mention there are endless opportunities for the abuser to spread their flying monkeys behind your back. For those of you who don't recall what those are, flying monkeys is the name of a tactic that includes whispering terrible things about you behind your back to people who matter to you, other family members, friends, work colleagues. Then, when the abuser does something terrible, your credibility and your ability to defend yourself are already shot. Cunning abusers will make it easy on themselves to remember what they've said about you. Their flying monkeys will include things they've said are done or something they're planning on doing in the near future. They'll just reverse it and blame it all on you, gathering tea and sympathy from your nearest and dearest. The worst thing about non-romantic abusive relationships is that they force the people in your life to choose sides. When an abuser is your romantic partner, they may not know your work colleagues well, and they'll often try to isolate you from your family. That's terrible, but it can feel even worse. Because when the abuser is also a family member, or a work colleague, or in your cluster of close friends, what do you do then? Everyone involved is going to be placed in a position where they'll be able to support you or they'll be able to support the abuser. They'll have to choose. Abusers are notorious for knowing exactly how to bribe and threaten to increase the likelihood they'll be the one who's kept close and you'll be the one excluded. There's something else I need to mention. When we have relationships, some of the biggest stressors and most pain I've seen in my years as a social psychologist, and my previous work as a counselor, is due to severe relationship in balance. Sound simple, but it's huge. When a relationship is severely imbalanced, when one person cares for and does significantly more than the other, the person who puts in the most emotional work and practical effort is going to feel used and exploited. They'll feel hurt and cheated. While this is not necessarily as excruciating as an abusive relationship, this kind of chronic emotional pain can be debilitating. I developed some materials to help people evaluate the balance in their relationships. I call this material "circles of intimacy". The materials contain simple questions and thoughtful answers that can help you honestly gauge how you feel about the people in your life. Then based on their actions and reactions to you, you can also determine how the people in your life feel about you. How much a priority you are to them. The questions and your honest answers can help you decide which relationships are working and which ones aren't. I offer tips for making adjustments or you may decide to exit any heavily imbalanced relationship altogether. Today though, we're going to discuss some of the key info from that material that can expose if any of your relationships are toxic. That's where the abusive relationships are found. If you want to know more about the circles of intimacy and want me to discuss it in a future podcast, simply email me and ask. My email address is [email protected] that's [email protected]. Let's get started now and take a look to see if any of your relationships are toxic. Now before we start, a bit of advice. None of this will do any good at all unless you do two things. First, you have to be honest with yourself. No one is going to know the results of this except you. I'd suggest you write down your answers. But if you don't have privacy, feel free to rip it up after you finish and after you have a chance to take a good hard look at your results. Then feel free to toss it away, flush it away, get rid of it. Second, I'm going to ask for something we rarely do. You'll need to remove the titles from the people you're considering. Think about mom and dad as Linda or Mike or whatever their names are. Do the same for your siblings, your cousins, your aunts and uncles, etc. Most of us will tolerate a lot from a close relative that we never accept from an acquaintance or a work colleague or even a friend. I'm not going to ask you to do anything drastic. So think about the questions and your honest responses without rose-colored glasses. The goal isn't to make you feel uncomfortable or to get you to feel sorry for yourself. The aim here is to get you to consider whether you need some strategies to emotionally protect yourself. You can't do that if you won't first admit that one or more of your relationships is in serious trouble that it's causing you serious pain. Are you ready? Let's do this. We're listening to the Unmasking the Abuser podcast with Dr. Dena McMillan. We're talking today about toxic, non-romantic relationships. Now you'll need some paper and something to write with, a pencil or a pen. You can even type this up on your computer if you'd like. Once again feel free to dispose of the information after you get your score and take some time to consider your next steps. I purposely use the word "score" because not all of the questions have the same weight. Higher scores are reserved for attitudes and behaviors that have a deeper impact on your emotional and mental health. But they all count, especially as you begin to tally up your total. Creating toxic relationships will cripple your perspective about yourself. They'll also undermine your emotional bonds with other people or even keep them from forming or lasting. The more entangled you are in a toxic relationship, the more repercussions you're going to suffer in your personal and your professional life. Being in a toxic relationship will sap your energy, ruin your mood and crush your confidence. The longer it's maintained, the more it's going to increase your anxiety, ruin your sleep, raise your blood pressure, and decrease your ability to handle other issues that arise in your life. Being in a toxic relationship will also increase your vulnerability to getting involved in an abusive, romantic relationship. It's like you'll start to vibrate with a subtle hum that says, "Pick me to abusers and manipulators of all kinds." That being said, it's well worth your while to identify any toxic relationships you may have and start protecting yourself. Not all relationships that would tally up as toxic are equally destructive. You're going to start by looking at behaviors that may incite anxiety, annoy you, or frustrate you for a while. They may make you feel self-conscious during or immediately after you interact with that person. Even these shouldn't be underestimated. These feelings can be cumulative. They can add up and become more bothersome over time. They may be that straw that breaks the proverbial camel's back when you're experiencing other challenges in your life. we'll talk at the end about what to do if someone score here is significant. By the way, think of one person at a time as you do this, or draw columns on your paper and place the name of each person you have in mind at the top of their own column. The first section has 14 points. It's best to use line notebook paper. So 1 through 14, going down the page, write the names across the top for the people you're thinking about. You can draw a line down the page if you need to keep them separate. I don't think it's going to be an issue though. You won't need to write anything except a checkmark or an X if something is true in a relationship to each person. It's going to be quick, I promise. These attitudes and behaviors are each worth one point. And before you think it, I'd score this differently with a potential romantic partner. So don't try to use these across the board. Today is all about non-romantic relationships. Write the number one at the top of this section and put a circle around it next to the names. That's to remind you at the end so you get the count right. Are you ready? Did you go down a number one through 14? Okay, here goes. Point one. This person frequently talks at length about people who are similar to you or went to school with you, but are far more successful in their careers or in their personal relationships. Two. This person often tells you things they know will make you feel self-conscious. Three. This person expects you to be available to them at all times, but they're only available to you when they feel like it. Four. This person calls you selfish or ungrateful if you ask to be treated better. Five. You know you cannot rely on this person to help you personally or professionally, even if they could do so easily. Six. This person becomes openly resentful whenever you become the center of attention. Seven. When this person offers advice, it's impractical or just bad advice that won't work. And you suspect they know this when they offer it. Eight. This person competes with you for attention, success, etc. Nine. This person expects you to make significant changes or large financial sacrifices when they need it, but they complain nonstop or make excuses why they can't help you if you're ever in trouble. Ten. Whenever you meet up with this individual in person or even virtually, one of their first comments is a criticism. You look tired. You've gained weight. You look unhappy, etc. Eleven. If you bring up something they do that hurts you, no matter how calmly and rationally you present the information, they find a way to bring the conversation around to something you do wrong, or that you do that hurts them. Twelve. Takes a lot but gives very little is how you describe your relationship with this person. Thirteen. You have long conversations about what's happening in this person's life, but they don't ask about what's happening in yours. Or they don't listen. Change the subject. Or say they have to go when you start talking about something that matters to you. Fourteen. You notice that your conversations with this person are always decided by them. If you bring up something that matters to you, they end the discussion or even get annoyed. So are you ready to keep going? You can always pause or go back and listen to any section more than once. If any point wasn't clear or if you have too many people to tally up on a single piece of paper. In this next section, we're going to assess toxicity by your reactions and responses to those same people. Press pause if you need to and write the same names and the same number of columns on the top of a new sheet of paper. These are all worth two points each. So write a two inside a circle. Number the section with 15 through 25 one line each. All good? Let's continue. Fifteen. A part of you cringes or your stomach flutters in a bad way whenever you see this person's name on your phone or in your email or when someone mentions their name. Number 16 is relevant for a friend or family member, not a work colleague. You've noticed their affection for you is very conditional. They're only nice or pay attention to you when they're asking for something or you've just done something nice for them. Seventeen. You have to remind yourself repeatedly how much this person cares for you and what they've done for you. Otherwise you know you'd end the relationship. Eighteen. They usually find some way during your interactions to make you feel bad, to feel wrong, to feel stupid or unworthy. Nineteen. After you interact or spend time with this person, you find your digestive system is out of whack. Your stomach hurts or you get indigestion and excuse me for saying so. You may find yourself constipated or you have diarrhea. Twenty. This person does not apologize when they hurt your feelings or do something mean. Instead, they minimize it and try to find a way to make you feel like you're overreacting. Twenty-one. After you tell this person something, they've done that makes you feel bad. They repeat the behavior again the next time you see them. It goes in one ear and out the other. Twenty-two. Emotions about this person affect your sleep. You become so agitated and angry you toss or turn or you have nightmares about them. Twenty-three. When you leave an interaction with this person, you usually feel drained, tired, and even depressed. Twenty-four. You sometimes have fantasies where something happens and you never have to see this person again. It improves your mood. Twenty-five. You feel guilty sometimes because you don't like this person and you feel you should. Okay, that's it for that section. This next part includes some behaviors that are more serious. It's doubtful many of these would include anyone at work. By definition, their seriousness means most are probably relevant to a family member or a close friend. That being said, there are some jobs where this could be your boss. New page? Same names. These are worth three points each. So be sure to write a three at the top near the names and put a circle around it. Numbers down the page should go from twenty-six through thirty-eight. Listen to these and think about the person or people that concern you. Twenty-six. This person comments or draws attention to every mistake you make. They'll often find an excuse to mention it again even in front of other people. Twenty-seven. This person often finds excuses to tell you things that will hurt your feelings or make you feel really self-conscious. They especially like it if these things are something that would be difficult or impossible for you to change. Twenty-eight. You often have to brace yourself before you interact with this person to prepare for the negative feelings that will arise and the terrible things they probably do unless they want something from you. Twenty-nine. The bulk of this person's conversation is always negative. Complaints, criticism, discussions of their poor health, ways they've been treated unfairly by other people, and/or always negative predictions about you. You feel like they bring a dark cloud into the room with them. Thirty. This person is always asking you to do things for them that you know they wouldn't do for you. In fact, they become angry or contemptuous or dismissive if you ask for any type of reciprocity. Thirty-one. This person is prone to dark moods and explosive anger, they expect you to forgive and forget as soon as they calm down. 32. This person seems to delight in embarrassing you or humiliating you, saying things that make you feel painfully self-conscious and sometimes sang it in front of other people, telling them later how bad it makes you feel doesn't stop the behavior from reoccurring. 33. When you ask this person for their support in a crisis, they find a way to turn your need onto themselves. You end up caring for them at a time when you need help. 34. This person is an addict of some kind, they won't get help or won't stay clean for long. 35. Here's one that may include a toxic boss. If an emergency happens and you need their help or consideration, you have to beg. Even then, they may say no. Even if your request is reasonable, your need is serious or their inconvenience would be minimal. 36. When this person is in a good mood, you go along with it because you're afraid of how they react if you don't. 37. This person has an angry and antagonistic relationship with a lot of other people. They place the blame fully on those people. 38. This person tries to make you uncomfortable or insecure with other people in your support group. Here's where the flying monkeys appear, but they use them here to make you feel other people are talking badly about you behind your back, or that they don't truly care about you. 38. I know you may need a minute. Keep reminding yourself we're doing this to put a bright light of protection around you, not to just stir up painful thoughts. 38. Please take a break if you need it. Are you ready to continue? 38. This last section of questions includes behaviors that are more directly harmful to you than the others. 38. Think of all of this as a chance to vent to legitimize your belief even if you never voiced it that the problem is them and not you. 38. New paper, new columns, same names. These are big, so there were five points each. So draw a five at the top of the page near the names and put a circle around it. The numbers going down the page should be from 39 through to 50, then we're all done. 39. If you defy, displease, or anger this person, they will make you suffer for it in every way they can, repeatedly and for as long as they can. This includes emotionally, financially, and practically. 40. Sometimes when this person does something really bad, they apologize for it. Soon, however, they turn it around and make it your fault that it happened. 41. This person won't take full responsibility for their actions no matter how destructive or hurtful they've been. They'll claim the behavior is over, so it isn't relevant anymore, or that it was caused by forces beyond their control. 42. They make promises they don't keep. This happens so frequently. You've learned not to count on them keeping their word. If you mention this though, they'll become enraged and vindictive. 43. This person threatens you when they're angry, saying they'll hurt you or someone you love. You believe they'll do it too. 44. This person has hurt you physically in the past when they were angry. Or they did something that actually threatens your job or something else that really matters to you. 45. This person is extremely vindictive and gets joy at getting revenge on anyone they believe has betrayed them. This means that person has defied their will or hurt their feelings or actually was rewarded with something that this person feels they should have received. 46. This person is a very good liar and lies often. 47. This person has difficulty making or keeping close friends. 48. The dominant emotion this person displays is anger. 49. This person is secretive and sneaky and keeps part of their life separate from their loved ones. If you try to ask questions or find out about what they've been up to, they become enraged. 50. This person has different sides depending on who they're dealing with and what they want from that person. 49. Now remember that last section was worth five points each. If you've listened to the other episodes of unmasking the Abuser podcast, you'll recognize a lot of those characteristics from abusive relationships. So how does it all add up? Well, if your total score for all sections for someone is between 10 and 20 points, you do have some serious issues to address. If it was 21 to 35 points in total, then it's obvious that relationship is off balance and hurtful to you. 36 to 45 points and this relationship is emotionally unhealthy and risky for you. 46 to 49 points and you're in a seriously painful and imbalanced relationship. If you tallied up 50 or more points, the relationship is toxic, the higher the score, the more toxic it is. Please remember, the word toxic is synonymous with deadly or poisonous. 36. So what should you do? I'd say first of all to remember, the advice that give us when we're traveling on a plane about what to do if we need the oxygen mask, your first obligation in life is to take care of yourself. Obligations to others, no matter what their title or what they've done for you in the past, is not more important than that. You should also consider the closeness of the person. The closer they are emotionally to you, the more painful their toxic behaviors will be, even if you didn't take yes to any of the really worrisome responses. If you tallied up a relatively low score for someone and the relationship is otherwise strong, I'd suggest finding a way to put some distance between yourself and that person emotionally. Get counseling if you need some support to help you shore up your emotional defenses. The types of toxic behaviors also count. If your yes responses dealt primarily with their lack of reciprocity, you're being used. This is one of the simpler ones to fix. Learn to say no. If they wouldn't do it for you, don't do it for them. I know, easier said than done with an established relationship dynamic, here's where a capable therapist or counselor can also be a real asset. If the responses you counted included a lot of attention drawn to your flaws or mistakes, and/or they included embarrassing you or making you feel bad, be on the lookout. Over time, that kind of harsh attack on yourself a steam will seriously cost you. Please don't minimize the importance of a high score indicating a toxic relationship or tell yourself you have to handle it because of that person's title or family relationship. Please seek out competent professional support. That person or those people are injuring you in a significant way. It's as damaging as if you were in a relationship with someone who would take a little knife out and cut you every time you saw them. When it's emotional, it can still destroy you, but you won't get as much sympathy from those who can't see the wounds. And as we discuss in relation to abusive romantic relationships, please recognize that you can't fix someone who's emotionally broken. They have to do it themselves. If they try to rope you in and say their willingness to get help is contingent on your continued compliance, refuse. Someone who really wants to get better won't use emotional blackmail. Also remember that feeding someone's toxic behaviors keeps those behaviors strong. It helps those toxic behaviors to grow. You're not doing that person any favors if you don't allow them to see and feel the full consequences of their actions. I know this one was tough. Next episode we're going to pull back a little. We're going to talk about support systems and friendships. We'll look at the type of people you should have around you so that you can have the best life possible. That includes people who will give you a heads up if your behavior is steering you for the rocks. And we'll also talk about how to help the people you care about in that discussion. Usually when we talk about tough relationships, even if we don't have any ourselves, it's a natural reaction to consider family or friends who really need that information. So we're going to discuss how to offer support without being drawn into something that could hurt you too. I hope you'll join me then. Thank you for listening. I'm Dr. Dean of MacMillan. Any questions or comments, please email me at [email protected]. Let's talk next time.