Unhappy Birthday

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They have the tools you need to start and grow your business. From designing a website, to marketing, to selling and beyond, Shopify can help with everything you need. There's a reason millions of companies like Mattel, Heinz, and Allbirds continue to trust and use them. With Shopify on your side, turn your big business idea into. Sign up for your $1 per month trial at shopify.com slash special offer. Good evening, gentlemen. Listeners, all watchers, and welcome to Distractible. This episode, Mushroomy Mark invites Ron, suggests budget deathmatch, and has a deflating day. Windy Way despises foam, dreams of Elon, gets plundered in Pokemon by X, and fouls the fowl. Beanie Bob destroys Ellen's bush, defends Allium Sapper, rejects celebrations, and burns his buttocks. From the greatest of friends, to blasting the bangles, ha-ha-ha-ha-has, it's time for Unhappy Birthday. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello, and welcome to Distractible, the only podcast that I would recommend if someone asked me what my favorite podcast was named Distractible. Yes, I'm your host, Markiplier, here with my great friend, Markiplier. My greatest friends in the world, Bob and Wade. They're not my best friends, they're my greatest friends. Is that better or worse? That's an important and hurtful distinction, thank you, Mark. You wouldn't say it's my best enemy, you would say my greatest enemy, right? I don't know if I have a greatest enemy, but syntactically, I have to agree with you on that one, yes. You understand the difference, but you do have a greatest friend in me, just like that guy, Ron. Ron DeSantis sang in that, in Toy Story. You got a friend, you got the greatest friend in me. Ron DeSantis says that? Yeah, they actually had Ron DeSantis re-record for Toy Story 5. It's a new, it's, you know. I think it's working. I think this is progress. It's healing the divide, just like this podcast does every week. God, you make me want to make jokes, but I can't make the jokes. Try to avoid these jokes. What jokes? Come on, make it. You can censor it. That's why there's no books in Toy Story. Is that okay? Yeah, that's pretty funny. Editors, make me look funnier and more approachable, so it's funny. What does that mean? I think it means, you know that game, there's like a Gmod mode where the scary thing is it's a fucking JPEG, a squared image coming at you. I think that's you approaching the camera very fast. Yeah. I was like, that's why there's no books. No books in Toy Story. It's good. They only need the image. They can work from there. Oh, I forgot. They can do that. That's like sitting post. Anyway, we're off to a riotous start. We're going to have special guests like Ron DeSantis will be on the podcast as soon as he answers our call. And then equivalently cool guests will be rolling through the door as we change our podcast entirely from a podcast of three friends being idiots to a pure rotating guest. Interview show. What if we have a whole bunch of guests and we just make them all do like a battle royale type feature every episode and we do nothing? I think people would tune in for that. Yeah, they would. They would do that. Yeah, I'm sure. Ron DeSantis versus Mickey Mouse versus the adventurous crew. Is Mickey Mouse a real person? No, it's perfect. It's like it's like a real life version of Celebrity Deathmatch. It's it's like that, but it's real. That's it. That's the whole idea. Perfect. We're going to take the adventurous crew and we're going to have each of their personas from different campaigns. Not your favorite ones. Trust me. Can't afford those guys. Chuckles not going to be in there. No, no, no. Cannot afford chuckles. How do we get them? Trick them into joy. We call it like distract a con mark a plier con when they come for that. Thank you for acknowledging. What was the what was the really crappy one with like the little ball pit and nothing else? Dash con. Maybe I think I was conflating that one with fire festival. The name fire festivals in my brain. Those are not similar things at all. Yeah. What was the ball pit convention? The whole. Ball pit situation. What you get? You get five free extra minutes in the ball pit or whatever. The whole thing that was dash con that joke. That meme is not a meme. It actually happened, but that's so funny. Fire festival was a live music festival that was hosted in kind of part of an island in the Bahamas. If I remember correctly, it was no supplies, no nothing. It was like a luxury experience. They brought them out to this island and they had nothing there. They had like a. with like 100 fema tents in it and like some styrofoam box lunch sandwiches and it was a whole it was a whole thing there's some really great you know like youtube commentary rundowns of it if you want to learn more they're all over the place that'd be the cruelest way to kill me on an island you like give me all the supplies i need but you put them in styrofoam so i'm like guess i'll die hey there's a video idea i'm gonna give you a point because we're gonna do that now all right styrofoam survival this podcast is gonna become mr beast my friend tries to live on styrofoam island for one week i don't i'll give you partial credit bob it wasn't your idea but i feel like you are gonna be in on it when we actually do it i'll i'll be like the one who's on the island secretly to torment wayne i'm gonna give you a styro point every time there's a styro point it gives a styro squeak sound effect great you can't hear it but you know that it will be happening so you could imagine imagine it imagine it really vividly when you listen back to the podcast to review it you'll hear all those re-listens you put in indistractable then you'll suffer i would probably i re-watched a bunch of our clips but god i hate me i can't stand watching myself or listening to myself so i like i'm like oh man i love listening to mark and bob ah fuck i'm talking again let's skip ahead sorry man oh man no i get that and not about you even though that is funny but i feel the same way about myself i can't do it it would take after all this time i don't have you do you feel like you're over that mark i feel like you've seen so much of your own like you did the movie is a whole other level of you saw yourself from so many angles and doing so much like are you are you still cringed out by yourself no not at all no he watches the podcast he takes a sharpie he colors over us so it's just him and he's like wolverine holding the photo like god i love distract a listen i have sam edit out a separate cut that is just my camera and it still changes to the three person there but it's all me every single one of them is just me seeing me like mark act like me would be uncomfortable that would that would that would make these we're so different no well how in what way i'm bald or not i'm an idiot you're smart all right okay i like this i like this we have different ways of not focusing i just like how can i make this into a really funny joke wait what do you think what are we talking about fuck we just have we're just we're different any other differences you want to comment on specifically maybe one that'll lose your points nope not today well at least i could feel better about myself if i lose while wade is trying to win all right so what we usually do at this juncture is we go into small talk would you guys like to do that or would you like to skip the small talk uh if you're saying you have an absolute banger episode you don't want to waste all the time on small talk i'm okay with that but i would love to do some small talk okay good all good good good we're recording this later in the evening the next day than we usually record because i had to cancel yesterday we opted to a call because as you guys know i was like all right i got the review again but but after we after like yeah we can reschedule i was like man i had some really good small talk for today too and i only remember one of my small talks and that's the weird dream i had about being in elon musk's bedroom where he had a comforter that was white and gold like embroidered that had his name at the feet it's a really good small talk yeah but it was weird because like he was trying to explain to me he's like i'm not really the way you think i am the aliens are making me behave this way because we have to concede like he was like convincing me that aliens were in control of everything it was a weird dream oh it's a dream i thought this was real you know i missed that part yeah i was in elon's house yesterday i'm a big elon guy look if it's gonna end let it end all right i can understand that get a call from him he's like he's the only one who understands i styled my entire existence after ellen okay it is elon musk i'm a huge degenerous fan i mean who isn't these days is ellen j jenner still doing things i can't even remember didn't it turn out she was like a crazy monster who was really mean to everyone who worked for her and it was a whole and then she got like canceled off the everything now she just shows up at the super bowl sitting next to george bush for some reason is that true i don't you just made a lot of statements i never heard it was like a picture that went around i have no idea the context at all i just know that that picture does exist and it was like i don't know if it was in the super bowl it's like a big football game or something and it was ellen degeneres sitting next to george bush and my brain was like whoa is it whoa is it 2004 already whoa yeah uh so way to catch you up on this um actually should we tell them the guy sitting in front of ellen in this picture is the guy who like welcomes people to the hall of fame that's kind of fun the guy the big guy who wears the who goes around and tells people they got in makes them cry on tv it was funny if you go to uh ellen degeneres's wikipedia page there is no mention of any controversies at all oh i guess i must have hallucinated that oh no wait there's something okay ah allegations of onset bullying and retirement oh i thought a lot of the daytime tv just kind of like died from um content platforms that people hated us because that like i think her show kind of went down with her but i do think daytime tv is not in a great place right now doesn't dr phil have a whole bunch of like crazy stuff going on right now too dr phil the face you made i feel like i sinned i'm sorry i mean if you if you don't know how dr phil is in recent years no i don't i know you're under a rock for most of things and i am too but like you don't know no the last time i saw dr phil he was in like scary movie 13 cutting off shaq's leg or something i don't know that's like scary movie 3 wasn't it he was in 4 which is yeah not as good because dr phil wasn't it i didn't know he had a last name apparently he has a last name mcgraw i didn't know that either i'm learning things today it's not the same extent but this is like that bit from the koto brian podcast where the guy is like what financier jeff epstein what have you seen have you seen that bit way no i don't i live under a roof there's yeah everyone's conan's trying to tell us what goes like yeah disgraced financier had an island like just sex trafficking he's dead also just like you're telling me no way we're talking about the same guy my friend my good friend jeff epstein you're talking you're talking about somebody else no you guys mixed up man that's good good joke conan good prank you got me dude i just learned about bernie madoff like a month ago i'm so behind on these things at least we still have enron right oh you still got that stuck those certificates sitting in your bank vault are definitely going to pay off i really do live under a rock yeah but that's why we're here to try to get you out from under that rock i don't know i feel like i'm usually happier under the rock on the rock is underrated like i feel like squidward's person knows a lot patrick lives under a rock and i i'd much rather be like patrick i think the only thing about under rock is you have to have to be kind of lucky and and have a little privilege to be able to exist under rock not everyone gets to do that so well now i feel guilty about living under my rock but i really like my rock no and look enjoy it i'm not trying to guilt you that's fair i did give bob a not under rock point so for exposing himself to the dame rangers and horrors that are outside of the rock i don't want to do that anymore ignorance is such bliss if there's one thing i've learned knowledge is suck i just want to eat my steak at least i know that reference guys i know that reference you know that reference from 1999 god damn he's bald he likes steak you identified with him and you didn't understand why until you two were bald i know i was like i hate this guy then i lost my hair i was like i love this guy i i have something about that scene that i have to ask you guys because it's it's been said since that movie that that guy the actor who did that scene is like a strict vegetarian and in that scene he actually ate a mushroom and i had to go back to that scene and i'm like i'm looking at the piece of meat quote unquote on his fork and i'm like i swear to fuck that's a piece of steak there is no way in hell they made a piece of mushroom look like that especially when he's chewing it it's on the fork i don't believe that it's a mushroom the shot where he has it because he has the fork upside down and he's holding it and there's like a very tight shot of a huge fucking hunk of steak i've heard multiple different things the i've heard that like he just really didn't like steak and that was the scene and so he just did it and he had he was like forcing himself to eat it was like steak i heard he was like a vegetarian or v i don't know what the truth is but i've heard lots of rumors that that whole scene for the people on set was like kind of funny kind of fucked up because that dude did not want to eat that steak at all and the whole the whole dialogue was about how much the steak was delicious hank joined bj's wholesale club the day he became a father of 30 i coach football now coach hank saves up to 25 off grocery store prices 30 pounds of pasta three cases of protein bars 75 sports drinks and that's just pre-game he knows teamwork and bj's knows savings this is your home coach home of the save join for just twenty dollars at bjs.com slash mesquite and save ten cents per gallon for six months open soon limited time offer new members only bj's home of the save he should have won an award for being the guy who like betrayed all of his friends for a steak he didn't even want the golden globe for willing to do the most to sacrifice their personal values just to be in a movie goes to that guy this says that he spat the steak out between takes but for wider shots they had the mushroom steak look props people can do some seriously fucking magic bullshit so like i wouldn't be surprised if it was just mushrooms and they just did some some magic shit to it no see that's what i don't believe i would love to see a video of some prop food person that actually made a mushroom look like that because that looked like the tastiest steak i've ever had in my life i would ever have in my life maybe we've been doing it all wrong maybe we just want mushrooms mark maybe i you know i've seen some mushroom burgers i've seen stuff like that but usually it's minced or it's like a whole portobello it's like i don't think i feel like you people need to back off on the whole portobello like oh it's approximately the size of a burger patty so is a very small cow pie i do not want either of those things on a burger bun i like mushrooms but one whole fucking portobello grilled up and shoved in a burger bun is not a burger it's gross it's also not a pizza crust pizza people like oh it's just like a little personal pizza no it's not it's like a huge fucking chewy ass gross mushroom with cheese melted on it for some reason you're speaking my language i'm not i'm not a mushroom guy don't like the texture love the flavor in other things i can't deal with the texture and the knowledge that i'm eating a mushroom right i'm like that with onions okay well okay come on onions are great okay mushrooms is like one of my favorite things to eat but not that that's an abomination and did you say you don't like onion i don't the texture of onions drives me nuts but i like onion flavor like bunion powders and stuff like what you said you don't like onion i don't like onion what you like don't like what you don't like but onions are delicious and that's a tragedy you gotta get those onions in there that's the base of flavor that's where the flavor is as a texture guy i love eating onions i do i we did an unison's video where it's like we bought like way too many onions that is one of my favorite unison's videos that lives in my head just you guys fucking calling each facetime each other back and forth with your huge stupid bowls of onions both of you just be like oh god i thought it would destroy my body i was fine a completely fine so i was like oh this is gonna i'm gonna pay for this tomorrow so fine not an issue at all that is surprising i didn't i assumed it was bad no no it was it was a okay i was good to go did your whole house just like smell like onions for a month or anything crazy yes that did yeah that was a thing but at least it wasn't pure garlic i feel like if i just tried to fry garlic oh my god that would be tough all right uh everyone got their small talk out i might have knee surgery you'll be fine well okay so by the time this episode airs i'll hopefully have the results of the mri i'm having tomorrow which is a weird thing to say you will been having had to have knee surgery well at least i'll have the mri done but the theory is a meniscus tear partial tear right now i will give you a conditional point where if it is bad and you need to get surgery for it i will give you a point for now this is a conditional point this past weekend i will give you a point for now it was a man again oh my god you get a man point oh my god another baby we're different kind of man my brother-in-law and i built a box coffin it's basically coffin sized yes it's a it's a deck box you'll see it wade when you come over on saturday is that why i've been fighting over not for you not for you not for you you're gonna see it wade we'll see what the we'll see what the mri says but no it's a it's like a deck box for the backyard to go by the pool and it's like a it's one of those projects where we built like a frame and then we uh covered the outside of the frame then we put the bottom then we put a lid on it and at each for including the frame phase at each phase we like put had it assembled and we're like ah that step is done and then we like turned it or whatever to work on and and we picked picked it up together and we're like oh that's getting kind of heavy like oh shit and at the when we finished it it's the fucking heaviest meatiest box made of uh mostly just pressure treated wood what are you putting I get it like pool noodles and floaties and I'll just, it's sort of like shit to in the backyard that needs to go with the pool like pool chemicals and the pool cleaner guy thing that you tossed in there that sucks up all the dirt off the bottom and can i hire you to make something for me well the second half of the story is it was really fucking hot and i almost died but uh maybe if you if you can hire me to do it not when it's 96 degrees and 90 percent but we'll pick it up saturday you climb in your coffin i'll load your i'll load your box in your car whatever you need man one of the things i've struggled to find molly likes having bird feeders out she likes watching the birds eat different bird seed and stuff finding a box to store bird seed in is actually fucking difficult because we don't want to just like in our garage because then like mice and shit want to get into it so it attracts things into your garage but like finding any kind of like storage container that keeps out like insects and mice or like if you get like one of the plastic containers like we've had raccoons just tear into them and destroy it to get to it in your garage though not in the garage we were trying to find one like you can't find it in your garage you can't find it in your garage you can't find it in your garage for the back deck just to keep it outside like by the bird feeders in the garage we could probably have pretty much anything but yeah well i could tell you the best case for that is look for large dog food plastic containers but i could build you like a surround for that so that it's like a hardwood box with a plastic tub inside so that it has an airtight seal but also it looks nicer and raccoons can't tear into it i'm gonna forget this but if if one of us remembers we should talk about it saturday i'll build you an artisanal bird seed box i think if i do that that that's gonna have to be like a bounty though like i'll film it and that'll be a that'll be a bounty for the show because i'm just gonna pay you for it but yeah sure if you'd rather have points i mean sure we're gonna have to put some input ourselves into the bounties because maybe maybe also like instead of just adding things to the wheel the host needs to add a bounty i feel like we we're obligated to do something like that you don't you don't like the options that we're uh accumulating no no they're good options but it's like yeah i would love you to be able to build something like that but it's like the audience isn't gonna agree to that there's no way we got to make it official we got to have an official pipeline oh i don't care they don't this isn't a democracy that was a lie the constitution is meaningless that was a lie i agree with that obligations on the host man hold on where's my veto stick obligations hold on there's no veto where did you get this idea that there was a veto stick there's no veto stick you come out of the constitution episodes with this strange idea that was never talked about in the entire episode suddenly you're like it's because he just sits there while while you and i are talking about it and he's like i don't know what to do with it and he's like i don't know what to do with it and he's like i don't know what to do with it and he's like i don't know what to do with it and he's like you should have a veto stick i've had this napkin for at least three seconds now i've just been waiting to use it yeah but you you could say these ideas in the constitution episodes but you don't you just say like i don't like that one i don't like that one and then if you have i could be about the veto stick but it's also like the veto i concept is also in this thing you know yeah but i know how chance works i've started by dude you know what i've spent on rare it is to get like a really good hit on pokemon cards i know the i've learned the gambler's life but i need to get out or you could become more addicted to it what if we had rare coins i think it might be one of those cases where the only way out is through i have probably spent close to 9k on pokemon cards what's that like six pokemon cards these days yes i have bought six cards well it's gonna pay in dividends right it's gonna pay money back i got scammed in one i got scammed once oh you got pokemon scammed uh a box was verified shipped to us and i opened it up and someone had like surgically taken the box and opened it and perfectly resealed it but they opened all of the packs in like the most perfect like surgical way taken out the valuable cards they were filled with nothing but shit it was just like awful like valueless like here's your online card everyone throws away here's all these commons that no one wants and like all what was like 10 packs and the thing were all replaced with shitty cards i'd already gotten rid of the box because i was stupid and was like oh go ahead and recycle it recycling day so i got rid of the box so whenever i messaged him i was like hey i know i'm probably not gonna get a refund for this but at least don't buy from this seller they're like do you have proof i was like well no but i'm not even asking for a refund i'm just telling you like this guy's gonna scam well we can't stop unless you have proof they don't want to stop you should coffeezilla them bro if only you had a platform where you could say their name i don't know their name because it was like anonymous it was through a third-party site i i gave them the number of the like the number of the number of the number of the the box i was like okay they'll probably track it they'll know and they know who they got it from even though i don't know so i was like you can stop this i can't not without the proof how do you know that the people you bought it from didn't do it i don't put them on blast but this was stock x i my initial instinct was whatever third party touched this might have totally been been in on the the situation they seem like a pretty big site so that'd be a weird one for them to put them neck on the line for but someone in their employee could have done it if stockx is one of those big websites that does a lot of their stuff i don't know if stockx is one of those big websites that does a lot of their stuff if stockx is one of those big websites that does a lot of their stuff i don't know if stockx is one of those big websites that does a lot of their stuff those kind of things it's kind of like a more organized ebay or maybe less organized so really it's just like they do verification but there's always a chance someone doing the verification doesn't know so this was professionally done i guarantee you that thing was already tampered with when they got they looked at it was like seems good and then passed it along to you this is some oceans 11 pokemon card scam shit the way this was opened recently like even whenever i was like i was looking at this the cards knowing i got scanned that i was like man this is so good am i scanned maybe this is just really bad luck is this like the opposite of a god pack did i get a turd pack like is that possible then they were all turds and it's like well that's probably unlikely but it was it was professionally i was professionally scammed yeah that's why you should never buy anything like that not in person thank god i don't have more orders already purchased on the way but i've not bought any sense lesson learned almost in time this is why i don't get hobbies i don't dip my toe i dive in and fucking i'm like i mean that's man pokemon card i don't get it i've never been a pokemon fan but it's like that whole thing where the value of them has exploded in the way that it is i don't understand one of my first packs i pulled a 340 card and then the addiction started and i couldn't get away from it right i think i'm pretty with you mark i like intellectually i understand why those cards sell for the amounts they sell for but on like a personal level i just can't fathom why that's the case and that's the world that we live in because i get that investments are very speculative and there's a whole world of investing and like you have shit like calchi and speculative markets and whatever but pokemon cards especially it's like it's kids can't we just let kids play with those like they're fun i would love for scalpers not to ruin everything they're great why can't can't we just let kids buy those packs for like three bucks at the at the store go home and open like oh i got a pikachu you know what i want to bring back beanie bit can we bring back beanie babies can we make beanie babies popular again mandy's mom saved her extensive collection of beanie babies and we've been doling them out to james and some classics for my youth have resurfaced and it's still it's awesome he has the parrot uh and he has the frog yeah legs is it legs the frog yeah and the rainbow caterpillar which was one of my personal favorites as a kid i want to bring i want beanie babies to be popular again i don't think it's going to happen but it could maybe we could do a lot of scams we scam we could buy a beanie baby theater we could open a card shop with me we collectively could do a lot of damage in the world if we wanted to right chat viewers listeners audience esteemed guests do you guys want us what scam do you want us to pull we we could turn evil and we could do so much i'm bald i'm halfway there i've constantly tried to make episodes where it's like how do we make money fast and get evil quick and i'm like man that could be this episode that is the end of my small talk yeah i was a man it was really hot uh we built a box well i was sick i was sick on my birthday my birthday you mean bob and mandy's anniversary you were sick on their anniversary no it's his birthday first chronologically but like we're leveling importance don't do that i just want to know if you guys have had any disappointing birthdays because i got to tell you i had everything planned everything was so good it was so sad because like the people at cloak were planning me like a birthday surprise oh no i couldn't show up on monday because i was sick and then i didn't show up on tuesday because i was still sick and i showed up this morning and it was such an under like not for them but it's like clearly this had been sitting there a while and let me tell you it's like they i didn't tell them that i was showing up so it's like one of them was writing like oh wait and then they went into my office and they they did something they came back out and i'm like oh yeah i gotta film this and they're like no you well you it was awkward like there but go go yeah go ahead and i go in there with my phone i'm like all right here i go and i open the door and i see there's a gopro on there filming me i'm like oh ah and i look around and it was it's decorations that were clearly put up over the weekend and there's bags of takis like from the roof it's very nice it was very sweet there's faces of me half of them are falling off half of them are drooped the tape has been pulled one of the bags taxes just like was on my desk just falling over the string flopped over the side and i looked around there's just balloons kind of like half post-apocalyptic birthday it was lovely it was really lovely but it's like man oh man what a what an and then like they bring out the cake and they're like happy birthday and i'm i'm messed up the others just so i don't you know it's not on anyone i don't think of contagious business like a best of anyway and then they're like they bring out the thing they light the candles and then they hand me a plate and be like don't blow on it and i'm like i wasn't gonna they hand me a paper plate so i can i could wave it on the birthday candles yeah so i did and i got them all out but it was really really you could tell that the the energy energy wasn't there as much as it could be those decorations are are designed to be up on the wall for like an hour tops there are limits and that's just really unfortunate timing but yeah yeah i'm i'm painting a much worse picture than it was because i think it was only a couple things that were slightly down but then i'm picturing leon going back to raccoon city and seeing like welcome leon all over the fucking ground one of the employees is dead wearing a party hat say happy birthday markiplier dead dead in a corner when mark's not around who knows what happens i just want to hear about disappointing birthdays if you don't have any i'm sure you know someone that's had the worst birthday i have a worst birthday for not me but it was my birthday i don't know how old i was it was probably early high school it's probably like ninth or tenth grade friends and i went out to like we used to have like a neighborhood basketball court and pools we went out we played basketball swim in the pool a bit and we came back we hadn't eaten all day we were starving we'd kfc i think because we had so many people we just did like a k like i was gonna do my my birthday dinner like my favorite meal a different day because it was a lot more in depth than just getting like food for a bunch of people so we had like kfc everyone's like all right it's your birthday you you get yours first birthday boy and i had an unexpected sneeze while filling my plate i sneezed all over the bucket of chicken everyone is starving they're standing behind me with their plates out and i sneeze all over the fucking chicken bucket and one of my friends just puts his plate down and sits down and you'd think like he just lost a family member dude i've never seen such disappointment in my life i'm calling this point kentucky sneeze chicken it was it's really funny in hindsight but everyone but me was so just like fuck like didn't even cover how old were you what was this ninth grade it was one of those like you don't even feel coming on it was just like i'm gonna but you like just just hit i've never had that yeah i've definitely had ones where i like barely got away or i you like i dove out of the way it was like into my shoulder so i've never just straight up been like right on to something like a huge plate of food for the whole party or something it was really good it was good chicken for me yeah did you eat it all or how'd that i ate a lot no one else i guess everyone else was too picky of an eater or something it's really only on the top layer you just gotta carve that down get to the bottom pieces yeah except you you reached all the way down to the bottom for your piece i like these on my hand then reached at the bottom it's like here you guys get the rest that's the first one that comes to mind bob any disappointing or underwhelming birthdays just gonna be myself and be a jerk and say i my birthday has never been a thing i was that that into like nothing stands out as like horrendous birthdays i had probably the biggest swing in birthdays between my 30th and 31st birthdays in terms of what was happening you were at my 30th birthday both you guys were it was very fun it's out in california we did the go karts i was not there weren't you there i didn't make it for that one i have a memory of you being there i guess mark was the works works there i think i think i think he drove up i think uh i think like ryan and stuff were there i can't remember why we couldn't make it yeah i remember ryan you know hot anyway like lots of people showed up mandy's put on a big thing for my 30th it was it was very fun i had a huge burn on my ass because one of the go karts i drove at that place the seat was broken and i was basically my butt was against the engine the whole time i was driving so i literally had a burn on the side of my ass cheek for like six months after that because it was really deep and really bad worth it didn't care it was awesome uh oh it was really bad for it was it looked like it looked gross for a while like i was i went to the doctor they're kind of like what the fuck are you doing i was like look man am i gonna live or what he's like catch cover that up god it's nasty but anyway so that was my 30th birthday was in october of 2019 and then my 31st birthday was in october of 2020 i don't remember the exact circumstances of why but i don't seem to recall hanging out with anybody or seeing any other human beings in person for what felt like months before and after that birthday um just a real big swing from like my best birthday i've ever had on my 30th to october 2020 birthday uh but so it goes you know i think i had covid on my birthday in 2020 i think molly and i were flying back from arizona and we barely got one of the last flights before they shut everything down yeah i think when we got home we were both like i don't feel so good we had like a bunch we had like a stack of those take home covid tests and we both took one or whatever and we're like dude we almost got fucking stuck in santa fe at the start of covid and he had a work thing that where it was like she had to go to a conference or something and we were like oh we could go to santa fe we've never been there it's supposed to be really beautiful there's like uh you know there's the was it actually though it's it's cool santa fe is a very interesting place it's in like what's it's in the high desert technically or whatever it was cold because it was in the end of february of 2020 but we like did it and it was nice and we we were friends with people that she worked with so like she did her work stuff but then we hung out with uh with her work colleagues after hours sort of and we had some good went out for some fun dinners it was very cool but it was literally like we flew home from that and then the next day the covid started if we had if it had been a week later i think i don't know what would have happened but we've been fucking stranded in santa fe or something i was just like not close to where we were living in the in the san francisco area at that time that time period feels like such a fever dream you guys ever go back and watch bo burnham inside and be like oh i've still never seen it at all it's such a like time capsule and for me it was like such an accurate representation of the like the way covid felt as it sort of went on it's weird to go back and watch it now because it's like a it's like a flashback like it's like a weird trauma flashback uh but also it's very funny i was checking out some point i keep here i have heard a lot of the songs but no i've never actually seen it the songs are most of it if you've heard the songs like you you kind of get the idea but this year i spent um my entire birthday driving back from atlanta and uh there was a really really bad accident on 75 down near atlanta georgia that caused us like a three-hour delay a bunch of people got like hurt semis flipped over to think people died and we were stuck in that kind of traffic and stuff and that whole combination of things was like birthday sorry i'm not laughing at you just said like crash car crash people died i just imagined you in there surrounded by death and may i'm being like i don't even know it's my birthday what the hell there's a terrible surprise how are these gonna how are these gonna crash cars on my birthday you drive by the ambulance yeah thanks asshole it's my birthday who caused this who caused this they just point to a body bag i flip it off it's really fucked up yeah well why would you do that man god geez and this crazy thought you know how some people say like we should be on a 13 month thing like it should be 13 months and they should be 28 days in a month who would all line up or something like that yeah so that the calendar is more like even and yeah what would happen to the peoples whose birthdays got expunged oh fuck those guys wouldn't everyone's birthday be different no october 18th would still be october 18th i mean it's whatever well what no wouldn't you technically shift because if you were born like january 1st to 28th you'd be the same no that's what i'm saying is you don't do that you don't do that you don't do that you don't do that you don't do that oh those dates that are cut off are effectively deleted from reality those people might snap out of existence if we did that change but that's how it should be what if you pick your own new birthday in the new mystery month like there's a 13th month now and then you get to have a special birthday i'm assuming this change is 13 month calendar change is in in accompaniment with some sort of revelatory societal change you could call it your rebirth day right because you're being reborn into the new republic with 13 months and it's led by i don't know the high priest or whatever some whatever here's the worst birthday the day before your birthday the rebirth happens and you're like by the way your birthday is no longer tomorrow it's like but i had this whole not your birthday anymore i mean you could still pick tomorrow it would just be your re-birthday and you'd have to get it approved by the city council slash high priestess but like your birthday approved but you know here's the paper could i please have third of june's a bit busy sorry well i do feel like if we're gonna reassign a bunch of people you have to pick in the new month yeah what what is even the new month called i'm pretty sure it'd be called new brewery so you go from like january 30th to third you wear 13th you wear eads okay this is i look on wikipedia it says it's on december not december on december mine mine are way better newtober what's your birthday third of on december or just like maine or maine's estate maine you know you just call it maine the fourth of maine i got four hours of sleep people who have birthdays on maine fourth who live anywhere near fourth street in oh it's like may that's why i thought okay i feel a little bit better i was like man maine really feels like a month you guys know i share a birthday with eddie murphy marlon when Kobe smolders? They don't list me. Whenever I looked up April 3rd birthdays, they don't list me i share a birthday with elon musk i dreamed of him or it was real i guess i don't know anymore guys i share a birthday with abraham von rebake right red rubik rubik rubik he was the governor general of the dutch east indies from 1709 to 1713 so that's it's not great amanda binds jane goodall wait my fucking birthday is so strange i share a birthday with someone named kyler emery elon musk me henry the eighth of england mel brooks and it's just like oh wait what the fuck why is anyway why is henry the eighth the fourth most famous birthday for june 20th oh zach efron so our mom donnie's birthday is october 18th what a random thing is it bad that first uh on famous birthdays they list me as the second most famous birthday with the first name wade wade's not even actually my first name all right okay so we're real in this episode a little bit let's shift gears since we got we're running out of birthday things what other random bullshit can make me laugh i'm sick that was my other thought is i'm sick make me tell me fun stories look i had another birthday it wasn't mine but it was my fault uh so when mandy and i got together i honestly don't remember the full context but we were looking at like stars in the sky like we're just hanging out talking we're like picked out orion's belt in the sky i believe mandy did and i didn't really know i still don't really know too much about like constellations but she picked that out and we talked about it it was like oh that's orion's belt and it became kind of a thing i'll be like oh look orion's belt which we still do on occasion and so for the first birthday that she had while we were together her birthday is on christmas eve december 24th uh i was like i know what i'll do this will be a great idea i'll get her a charm bracelet and i'll get three star charms and it'll be like orion's belt and that's really cute because that's a thing we do and i'll get her a charm bracelet and i'll get three star charms and it'll be like orion's belt great this will be a great new boyfriend birthday present and i gave it to her and she was very polite about it but her reaction was clearly kind of like oh cool and like i wasn't too torn up because i'm not a very good gift giver but i'm aware of that so i was like yeah maybe it's not as good as i thought but we talked about it and i was like you didn't seem to like your thing like i can exchange it like i'm not if you there's a better present i'd rather get you something you like and she's like oh no it's nice um i just already have like three of these and i was like that's weird not for me she's like oh yeah like several other guys i dated before we got together we sort of did the orion's belt thing and they thought it would be a cute idea so i like i have a i have a bunch of these already she opens a drawer there's just like falling out bracelets i was like oh that makes sense why you would kind of have a weird reaction to that that's a lot that makes a lot of sense in the she was very nice about it obviously things panned out but uh that was i don't even think she was that upset but that was really awkward because she had to be like oh you know all those other guys i dated they had the exact same idea and i'm pretty sure some of theirs were way nicer than those when you got me so i just love that you all have the same truth right of yeah the thing we do is we look for orion's belt just like with chad and tom and michael never occurred to me that she was setting that up with it was like a test with every guy that she was with see how he reacts when you point out orion's belt uh they all did it wrong yeah yours was the best belt she got me a gift that i still wear and use which was i don't have it on right now actually but it's a ring that i still wear frequently and have worn like since you give it to me and it's very nice and i got her a thing that i'm pretty sure she threw away at some point in the next three months because she already had one and she probably couldn't tell the difference and was like oh i should keep the one from bob i'll keep this one makes the drawer dumps into a bang like one of these and that's by the way one some goodwill somewhere in cincinnati has like 19 charm bracelets with three stars on them it worked out it's fine so i got you a point for that uh anything else you guys got what's going on man what's going on in the world no not like that no no oh okay i was like what's wrong my ugly yeah wait what's going what the fuck is going on with you man oh a lot man i don't know if you've looked at the scoreboard lately but come on look this is not going to be freshly topical by the comes out but it's still happening the world cup has been happening u.s is playing as we speak i think can i just say how like delightful it's been to see a bunch of people from other countries around the world coming to the u.s and fully expecting it to be some like shithole hellscape filled with assholes that they just wanted to leave i mean like they all have like everyone has these expectations that are formed just like we do right of other countries they're formed largely by like the news and movies and tv like media that you watch and none of that is good at creating an accurate idea of what another place is going to be and i feel like there's been there's been people bitching about stuff and like whatever but there's been a rush of people who are just like oh my god you guys america is fucking great every american i meet is like the nicest person i've ever met this place is dope i love mcdonald and like there's just this just fresh discourse online of people of people not non-americans having that reaction to be like i thought this place fucking sucked this is great i get why you all like it so much and then all the americans are like dude we've been telling you it's we're the government and then the people are separate things which ironically is the opposite of how it's supposed to be but that's not what we're talking about right now did you see the stories of all the people trying to take ranch dressing and stuff home yeah it's just been very like heartwarming and uh that's so fun because not that long ago we i think i brought up the discourse around whatever like oh british people think america is not hot in america and blah blah and all this stuff like i i'm clearly i'm a sucker for it same as everyone else i'm not above fighting with other countries and having beef for no reason but like when we actually hang out with each other it's chill we're chill you're chill it's cool we should you should come over more we should come hang out with you guys it's cool man i i've loved seeing all the videos because every once in a while you'll get that video of like there's a there's a british guy who came over to america for work or something he's like what the hell it's amazed texas barbecue is unbelievable and it's like yeah yeah it is uh but uh if there's i can't believe how botched like the world cup has been so far in america and for that opinion to still yeah it's been okay like the games have been going on and you know look man we call it soccer like there was a fundamental uh risk taken i think by fifa letting it happen in a place that we're where we we don't call it what a lot of the world calls it but our football is the game where we're trying to eliminate the part where your foot touches the ball well we have good stadiums and good food and nice like it's been it's been lovely it's been funny too to see that how many people have that experience of uh the stereotype where they're like oh well we were staying in new york and we were like let's just take a day trip down to disney or something and then they look at the maps and like oh fuck how many days drive is that what the shit i i want to see like videos of people if if they've come to the conclusion like oh this is why you don't have high speed rail everywhere and it's like we could if we really put effort into we we could but it's a huge it's a huge fucking effort to make it happen and it'll happen eventually but way too late and you know but yeah the comments of like people i think there was someone like in alabama like a small town alabama they were just like this place is crazy i went to this diner and the food was fantastic and the people were so nice and stuff like yeah that has been really awesome and i think it's been a really good experience and i think it's been a plus it's been really fucking hot i know there's a heat wave happening in europe right now which is like a uncharacteristic dangerous heat wave but it's been hot enough here too that everyone's kind of like all right everybody knows what hot is like whatever let's stop that's a stupid thing to fight about okay it's hot here it's not there it's hot everywhere this fucking sucks turns out the real problem is climate change let's all talk about that now yeah i hate to tell you this guys it was 58 this morning here what i thought you were gonna be like climate change is false boys by the time i woke up today here it was fucking like 90 degrees already and i'm humid we had like heat advisories going on it is still mid 80s and feels like 90 here at 10 p.m it's supposed to be hot out in los angeles yeah no see the whole thing about climate change is climates change all over the place they're all doing different things we have however apparently super el nino's on the way yeah well that's it we talked about it before on the show is there's a there's a possibility of a derecho which i think i said incorrectly last time derrico direct was some crazy shit happening yeah there's it's like super el nino what is a super el nino it's something where this band of of warm water it usually stays no more towards the uh the asian side of the pacific it can technically form and push almost everything towards the uh the the american side of the pacific and then just create that's why in in la there's this legend of this 50-year flood uh where the the all the rivers in la all the canals can overflow and it'll just be torrential flooding across the land might happen oh fun at least you guys would have a surplus of non-drinkable salt water everyone complains when there's fires all over so we were like what's the opposite of there must love that i could tell you fires weak to water and pokemon yeah well that's that's great i'm sure nothing bad will have did he freeze frame himself this is i did i did it was oh that was really good thank you thank you you didn't fucking move a single hair on your head eyebrow tammy regularly hauls stuff to her kids at college that's why she shops at bj's wholesale club saving up to 25 off grocery store prices beef jerky microwave meals laundry pods even they can't screw up have you met my kids and with bj's gas she gets there for less they call me the road warrior this is your home road warrior mom home of the save join for just 20 at bjs.com slash mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for six months open soon limited time offer new members only bj's home of the save anyway super el nino could happen weather's uh weather's funny yeah funny boohoo not funny haha the term mega nino super secret rare nino mega nino may have contributed the end permian extinction so you know called the great dying we have the great dying two electric boogaloo oh so many sequels aren't as good as the first dude even the weather is reaching back for sequels now what the fuck i'm sure there's plenty of people that know more about the weather than i do in fact you know i i think even amy knows much more about it so everything i'm saying probably isn't even if only some of it's wrong you're gonna know that for sure that goes all right any other funny things besides our impending doom no that's about as funny as it gets i think i have a bounty to claim i gotta do one of these now you guys make me look bad i this is possibly one of the first ones that we talked about when this notion came up i have uh i was at wawa and a fan came up to me i asked multiple times and they were like yeah yeah put in the episode that's totally fine they came up to me and we talked and i was like hey do you have a coin and they got a penny oh and his heads and i called heads i called heads it was heads i won the coin flip i didn't think you had that in you first try no cheating you can go to that wawa and confirm with that person if you need to but i believe that is my first bounty on the board i feel like that's also um the the coin flip part of it is worth more than just a bounty if i'm not mistaken honestly in the moment i couldn't remember 100 how it was i was like i'm just gonna call it and if i win i'm hoping that is the correct thing to have done oh also i didn't say it the person the fan's name was rexy thank you so much rexy for literally going to the cash register and getting a penny so that we could have a coin because i like an idiot didn't have one on me rexy robbed wawa for your bounty that's crazy rexy committed a misdemeanor for me i better get extra bounty points i think that's a good one i think that's a good one i think that's a good one i think that's a three point thing i'm pretty sure it's it's a higher point thing than it's normal so i'm gonna say plus three there might be even more for that um i can't remember if you guys are gonna put in the effort i don't you can take your points for your bounties also we have to spend the official budget for the the subreddit at some point i saw one that i think we can agree on that would be a good first one to dip our toes into it just came up on this month's post but people were like they need a trophy and i have to get a trophy and i have to get a trophy and i have to get a trophy and i have talked about previously that i was i wanted to get a trophy but i never fall through on anything oh thank god me too either both that would be a good use of budget i feel like is to get like a winner's trophy and then i guess we'd have to award it to mark because he is the current reigning champion and we just started this new season i never got one for winning the very first season and you still won't i mean maybe i i look i'm not a poet we could talk about it but i was imagining it's one where it's like the trophy you're you get a little it's like the stanley cup when you win your season you get your name engraved on it and then you own it for that next year the whole thing but the the reddit has to vote and it democracy some stuff or something we will call that the the episode there and once again the bounty slash coin flip has devastated the point balance yes we had bob with half a styro point there's the sound effect uh point for not being under a rock a very small cow pie a man point rug pull coin aspirin parentheses bad rebirth fetish i wish i'm not sure if that's a thing i can't remember what was in the most recent uh dungeon crawler carl but there was a mention of an either rebirth or unbirth because of the kangaroo bit oh yeah yeah stuck in my mind since that dude that made me not want to get into a kangaroo's pouch i already didn't want to do that i i wasn't on that wasn't an issue for me i don't know what matt dinaman's up to on a day-to-day basis and you're not going to be able to do that i'm not going to be able to do that i'm not going to you know a lot of authors like put content in their work just like barely just the author's barely disguised fetish and i'm like real quick real quick you're kind of the point matt i know you're watching this right now what the fuck did the bangles do to you man jack that's the bangles character we get the guy who pisses in the hall that's the most accurate bangles fan representation in any media i've ever seen not a single other person wearing like sports merchandise i'm pretty sure it's been mentioned ever but they were like yeah this fucking asshole jack and his bangles hat likes to piss on walls because he loved the bangles all right and then wade you had uh markiplier con styro survival there's the sound effect uh plus one okay point uh you have a contingency point for surgery that's not yours yet if you injure yourself enough that you need surgery right now i think it's fair that you get that i think i already did you have kentucky sneeze chicken you have atlanta birthday ruined uh and then the month of maine so with that you only have seven points one contingency but i think you also have another shadow point that's owed to you for something in the future uh those are gonna roll forward i'm sure that won't cost me any problems that'll be fine all right seven to twelve and a half points is the score with plus three for bob's coin flip with a fan going into the final wheel spin it does not look good for wade there it is i was trying to get it up trying to time it nice for you at all it's hard you're telling me oh did you mean penis i certainly didn't all you need is one baby two is good too two's good too all right the the oh not that one not that one no no no no no whoa whoa whoa i want to i want to add recite the alphabet backwards closest wins a point i can do it right now you don't have to be perfect but you have to be fastest but also most accurate and then if both of you get it perfect or the same number of mistakes it would be whoever completed faster we'll remember all that to spin baby yeah come on daddy needs a new pair of sneakers oh damn it i should have been meaner i don't feel like i launched any personal attacks you gave me a couple of ribs but nothing crazy i did i did i feel like this one is this one's kind of a weak one like we could award it but also i feel like a respin is not unfair in this situation i don't feel strongly there wasn't a lot of animosity this episode this is a very amicable episode let's re-spin it respin it's too it's too late for coins right it's definitely too late now that a spin is happening hey there it is oh wait did he say he said i wouldn't i bob's words were i don't think a respin would be unfair okay all right i guess we have to flip for that no that that counts so you didn't oh fuck you don't think a respin would be unfair so a respin would be fair and no respin would be unfair so if it's all heads we we do an extra respin and if it's all tails we don't respin because that would be making yeah if if it's all if it's okay wait a respin would be fair which means you want to respin so we would double the fairness if we get all heads right and then we would fix the un we would make it unfair if we get all tails so we would double the spin or we would make it unfair if we get all tails or we would do no spin why is this so confusing i think it i think it's the opposite if it's heads we do the respin because that would make it fair if it gets all tails we will not spin anymore for the rest of this we will remove all spins i'm too tired to think it through but that sounds right to me look you're you're the host man if it was tails it would it would be what he's opposite against would be would be have to be made doubly fair but the opposite but the heads is just to make it fair what you said fair which would be to spin i guess even though we were already going to do that what is doubly fair of let's go double both ways we're gonna do double both ways we'll add an extra spin if it's all heads we'll do absolutely no more wheel if it's tails okay tails for me i think i got the lady i got heads oh okay i'm tails as well i thought we were gonna yeah okay all right okay all right we're still spinning it well so this counts bald i'm cut don't call it a comeback don't call it a back come either oh i always want to call it a bad come anyway spin number two of two am i people still going my chats is like calm amateurs had the best time i had the time of my life and i owe it all to you he's claiming the best time do you want to give it to him i i can't disagree he seemed like he was having a really good time all right that's another point away it doesn't even matter that's only nine points so unfortunately even though he won both spins congratulations bobs i did it the bounty really secured it for me it really did it really did but even with Without the bounty, I think you still would have won. Because I would have won by half a point with no bounty, but I won by three and a half with it. Is that how that works out? True, yes. That is how this went down. So congratulations, Bob. Give your winner speech. Oh, yes. Oh, it feels like it's been a long time since I've won, but that's probably not true. I'm accustomed to doing so many of these when we were doing two a week that now it feels like we have all these spaces in between our recordings. Anyway, it feels good to win, and it feels really good to get my first bounty under my belt. I'm excited to do some of the more complicated ones. There are ones that involve sending things to you guys or appearing at your houses, potentially, that I'm really interested in. Keep adding shit to the bounty board because even if you think it's a weird idea, only one of us needs to like it for it to happen. And there are definitely some on there that I think I look at and I'm like, ooh, and I know you guys are not going to want to do. I like the bounties. I want to do so many bounties. I want an episode where the only points are bounty points, and I win. Because I did so many bounties. All right, that is entirely possible. We can make that happen. We can make anything happen. Wade, can you make anything happen? I could. All right, short and sweet. Uh, just like me. We don't have to hash this out. I just had this thought. We didn't make any rules about whether the host could do bounties, did we? We didn't, technically speaking. So there's an avenue where a host could technically hijack a series of episodes by completing a lot of bounties and just winning the episodes and continuously being the host? The host has a lot of power, yeah. That loophole might exist. We might have created that, and I don't know if there's anything we can do about it. I mean, technically speaking, yeah, that I don't think there's any rule against it. Just brainstorming right now. But we shouldn't do that. It would have to be brought up in the next Constitution or the Emergency Boat episode. Bye, Anil. Bye, Anil Boat. Anyway, thank you all so much for watching and or listening this episode. I am feeling better finally, so I am healthy once again. I hope you all are feeling healthy out there. If you're not, hope you rest. Stay up and get your health back in order, and you can always look forward to another episode of this. We're getting back into the swing of things, but, you know, we're not getting back into the swing of things. We have been in the swing of things. We're swingers. We're swinging, baby. Be sure to follow these guys. Be sure to follow the podcast, and look forward to the next episode coming at you at a very predictable time. Have a good day. Podcast out. Home of the save. Open soon. BJ's, home of the save. Starting a business can seem like a daunting task, unless you have a partner like Shopify. 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