Ugh Love

The best job in the Galactic Federation, thank you for asking, is Santa Claus. That dude got the sweetest gig. He gets to work one night a year. The other 360, how many days is it? Four, 360 foot. You guys do time so weird. He's just smoking weed and playing his Nintendo Switch with a bunch of cool ass elves. Getting letters from cute ass kids. Written in crayon and shit. You want to know my letters? Listen to this. I letter from Nadine and Michigan. Once to know, once to know if the synchronistic 11-11 date stamp on the restraining order her twin flame got against her, is a sign that they're going to enter into union. This episode's about love. [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] of yourself doing weird dances without your shirt on. And I might wanna get off the train at that point. That might not be in line with my midlife crisis. I'm drinking wine and doing paint nights with my friends. We're at one of those places where you drink wine and make bad art. Maybe we're not each other. This actually I'm describing like a couple that's perfect for each other. You can't possibly say when you're 25 that you're definitely gonna love someone when they're 40. You don't know who that person is yet. 25 version of this person 40. They're two completely different people. There's probably five people in between. Love is not promising something that you can't promise. That's fear. That's trouble with your own vulnerability. Now for some of you it's just a burning desire for the attention at the party you spent way too much money on. Some of you it's that. A lot of you it's trying to secure a future so that you don't have to deal with vulnerability. True vulnerability is, I'm gonna let you see all of me today and you might leave tomorrow. True commitment is like I commit to letting you be yourself even if it means that you have to grow in a direction away from me. What a fucking commitment that is. What a commitment to love it is to say, I love you so much that if it's in your best interest to grow away from me, I'm gonna let you do that without villainizing you, without manipulating you, without trying to stop your growth, without convincing you you're bad. And guess what, that commitment costs no money. You guys, you're like, listen, we love each other so much we are going to sign this binding contract in front of all of our friends and family while you gift us with toaster ovens and insta pots. And then when shit gets weird in four years, you just gotta swing by, you just gotta swing, I like unconditionally love you. Real quick, swing by the courthouse, spend your retirement and three years getting out of this thing. Oh, isn't love crans? Love is beautiful. You guys are weird here. It's fucking weird. You know how we do it in the higher dimensions? It's like, hey, you're my favorite. Wanna hang out while we're still each other's favorite? And then it runs a course. And you see it running the course, you see it turning the bend. And you go, hey, this is turning the bend. We're about to hop off here. Do you wanna add a third? Or do you wanna just hop off here? And then you hop off and your friends forever. And everything's fine. If you have kids together, it's fine. The things you're doing, the entanglements you're doing, you're re-traumatizing yourself by trying to get love to fix your trauma. A bunch of you, that's the married, and listen, a lot of you were good at unconditional love. You're just naturally your parents somehow figured out how to love you correctly or something. You're just wired different. It's easy for you. Some of this isn't gonna be for you. Okay, you get to pat yourself on the back during this episode. Most of you, this is for you. Most of you going to the awakening right now, there's a huge wave of codependency clearing happening right now. So this is why we're talking about this. Codependency is defined as the old love paradigm. Okay, the old love paradigm, fuck, romcoms. Man, did romcoms convince y'all of some bullshit. This is not how love works. If the dude ditched you when you got too close once, he's probably gonna ditch you again. And by dude, I mean anyone. Okay, so people don't change who they are. Romcoms got you all to like believe that someone else's capacity for intimacy is somehow connected to your worth. You can't just be worthy enough to, that's someone else's shit for them to figure it out. And maybe they just are not that into you, which is also fine and has nothing to do with your worth. It probably, the person you want so bad that doesn't want you back has a lot more to do with the fact that you don't want love. You don't want intimacy. You're all of you, except for the few happy people that are probably not listening to this podcast, terrified of intimacy. Humans in general terrified of intimacy, the reason that you're trying to get a thousand year commitment out of anyone you give your heart to is because you're afraid of intimacy. You're trying to feel secure in something that is supposed to break you open. We refer to some people with insecure attachment as avoidance. Go read the book attached to yourself a favor. Here's the blueprint to how people work. Some of them are avoidance. We give avoidance so much shit. Avoidance tend to desire intimacy so they seek it and then as soon as they get it, someone being too close to them freaks them out so they recoil the behavior changes. So they say one thing at the beginning and then they become something else. We love to shit on them. Those pieces of shit and their piece of shit, trauma from being a toddler, realizing that their parents aren't gonna come get them out of the crib. So they decide that it's just them, just them forever. So when people get close to them, they get proximity, the avoidance recoil, they run, they create distance. Those assholes and their trauma. On the other side of the coin, the exact same coin, by the way, anxious preoccupied. These are the clingers. The clingers, those fucking assholes. Those assholes that seem really cool when you first meet them and then their dumb childhood trauma shows up. Same thing, scared of proximity. Only when someone gets close to them, the only thing that makes them feel better is more closeness. So the distance from the avoidance triggers the anxious preoccupied into one in closeness and then these two people feel like they're victims to each other. But in reality, why are you trying to get, this is what, this is what people who are like, I just want love, but I keep getting all these clingy people. I just want love and I keep getting all these avoidant people. Let me ask you this. If you went to a McDonald's and said, here, here's $5, I would like one whopper. And the person's like, well, it's a McDonald's. And you go, okay, but I came here for a whopper. I just want a whopper. Why can't I have a whopper? Why do all my friends have whoppers, but I can't have a whopper. And the McDonald's person is like, maybe 'cause this is a McDonald's. And it's like, I deserve a whopper. I deserve a whopper. I'm whoperable. I deserve this. It's like, yeah, nobody's saying you don't deserve it, but you're like literally, add a McDonald's, man. Like we have Big Macs. I can give you a Big Mac. And then you have a decision to make. You're like, well, I'm at a restaurant, not capable of giving me a whopper. For some reason I came to McDonald's to get a whopper. I like the Big onions, but for some reason, I came to the place that does that weird, chopped up onion mashed thing. Now they've offered me a Big Mac. I can either take the Big Mac, 'cause I'm so terrified of having nothing and not being inside of a fast food restaurant. So I take the Big Mac and don't say shit. And just quietly, quietly think about how the fact that I got a Big Mac instead of a whopper is actually a lesson. It's a lesson for me about how I'm not worth a whopper. And how that whopper shit only works for my friends, but I suck. And so this is why I'm getting a Big Mac. I could take it and throw it in the person's face and tell them they're a narcissist. They're selfish for not giving me a whopper. You get knocked out if you do that, by the way. Don't fuck around under McDonald's. Or her. You could go to Burger King where they sell whoppers. And if you went to, if you were at the McDonald's and they're willing to have the Big Mac, you could go, okay, well that sucks, because for some whatever reason, I have convinced myself that I really want a whopper from a McDonald's, but I believe you, when you're showing me what you're capable of, I believe you. And because I truly want a whopper, I'm gonna walk my ass over across the street to Burger King, 'cause they're almost always on the same block. If you insist on staying at the fucking McDonald's to get a whopper, you might not want a whopper. The riddle, the solution to this riddle might just be that you think you want a whopper, but you actually just want to want a whopper. Maybe you're afraid of what it will be like to have a whopper. Maybe you're afraid that you're not worthy of it. So you'd rather stand in this McDonald's and make it about some other shit. You'd rather project it onto this poor McDonald's employee rather than face the fact that like, at some point in life you got the impression that that whoppers are for other people and not for you. A lot of people kick it in screaming in McDonald's that I just want a whopper. and it's like, well, you're not. not trying. You're not at Burger King. Why are you trying to get it from McDonald's? It can't give it to you. It showed you. Now, sometimes you meet a shady McDonald's employee that says, I got whoppers over here and you go there and they don't have whoppers. They have big Macs and you go fool me once, fool me twice, fool me 350 times. If you've been a twin flame, but at some point you have to take responsibility and examine yourself while you're trying to get a whopper from a McDonald's. This is not victim-play. This is like an opportunity here for you to solve this riddle. You're all fucking terrified of intimacy. Part of the reason that you're terrified of intimacy is because you don't know the difference between guilt and love here. Everyone does. A lot of people do this. You ever made a passive-aggressive comment to a friend or family member or partner to make them feel bad about not being there for you, not answering your texts? You see them returning someone else's texts. You get triggered. You go, oh, I see you answer their texts and you will list at a little moment of guilt from them. Ever said something to your partner to make them jealous? You're trying to pull negative fear-based emotions out of them. You're trying to make them feel afraid or bad about themselves and you're registering that as love. That's fine. You were taught a lot of that in childhood. But that's taking energy. That's taking a little swipe out of someone else's energy. It's very important for you all to learn where your lane is, where your bubble of energy is and what of that energy you owe to other people and what they owe to you. This is in your best interest. This is so that you can experience a powerful unconditional love, taking responsibility for yourself. Your parents do this, you get your mom to call me enough. That's guilt. That's not what love is. Grody. I'm going to talk about the paradox of selfishness right now. Paradox of selfishness is going to come up in a lot of these episodes. Some people use just crazy amounts of selfishness and justify it as spirituality without any real explanation. But spirituality is a lot more selfish than you would expect. At least right now it is. Here's why. Because the entire society is built on guilt and obligation. Your entire idea of what love is is built on you should be. You should be doing this. You should want to do this. Is there anything more insane than the statement you should want to? How the fuck? What does that mean? I should want to. How do you propose? I change what I want to do. I should be wired completely different. I should have had a different set of life circumstances. You should want is a statement almost always exclusively from someone projecting onto you. So what we do is we all are living some version of obligation to what other people want us to do while also making them feel obligated to do stuff for us. You all have to get out of this. You have to get out of this. We are trying to move you idiots into an unconditional co-creation game where everyone consciously brings their attention to the table and consciously uses their power to consciously create something that works for everybody. You cannot do this from a place of constant judgment of yourself and what other people want. How idiotic. Focus what you want. Do whatever the fuck it is that you want. Learn how to express that with your words. Use your throat chakra. Speak up for yourself. Set boundaries and stay in your lane. Figure out where your lane is and plant yourself in it. Get out of everyone else's energy. Stop taking swipes and chunks out of people you care about. You should want. You should want to shut the fuck up. Honestly, you should want. That's your own wounding. If you want to accuse someone of not wanting to hang out with you or what you should want to hang out with me. That's your shit. That's your shit. That's not anybody else's shit. Have some goddamn compassion for each other also. We all walk around with our own wounding and our own programming and whenever one makes space for that. But then we want to point the finger when we get triggered at other people. My avatar has crippling social anxiety and can't handle more than small bursts around people. On some days, no bursts. Around family or friends for long stretches of time, my avatar just starts looking at her phone. I'm looking at anything. Just exterring at the screen because looking at your phone is an acceptable way to check out. If this society was higher dimensional, my avatar would be able to say, "I'm overwhelmed by all of this communication and I have to go take a walk by myself." But here in this society, everyone then would attach their own trauma to that and go, "Oh, this avatar doesn't like me. I'm bad. I'm unwanted." So my avatar looks at her phone and then someone else says, "Some critical remark about her looking at her phone. We all do this. We all criticize people for what we perceive to be them not caring about us. That's our programming. Stop guilt in each other. God damn. Boundaries. Set some God damn boundaries. Be honest about your boundaries. Remember, boundaries are what you are willing to do and not do. They are not boundaries. They're not saying you need to do this. You're not telling someone else what to do. Unconditional love when you when you complete it, kind of boring. Some of you are addicted to the brain chemical dump of the back and forth. Oh man, I'm at McDonald's. This fucking dude won't give me a wapper when I ask for a wapper. I ask the speaks to the manager. They still offer me the onion smash. Big Mac. Lots of people addicted to the drama. You're addicted to the back and forth. A lot of people who are afraid of intimacy more comfortable in the breakup makeup cycle because no intimacy there. You don't have to worry about it. You can have small burst of intimacy knowing the safety of this this house burning to the fucking ground. Go into the McDonald's. Won't give you the wapper. Freak out protests. Throw a table. Leave. Come back the next day in a fantasy that somehow you're going to manage to get a wapper at McDonald's. Most of you aren't even having relationships with real people. You're having relationships with fantasy versions of the people before you. A lot of a lot of sessions. By the way, I love doing anything about love. My favorite sessions. A lot of times people apologize for them being 2, 3D. They're my favorite sessions because I get to just yell this whole time. A lot of people like if they would just, if my partner would just, then I would be blah, blah, blah. Nope. You want to know whether or not you want to be in this relationship. If this person that you are currently with is the current version of themselves forever, do you want to be in this relationship? Now they're not going to be that current version forever, but people spend a decade beating their head against the wall of wanting this partner to be some, well, in the beginning. Yeah, if I made you draw me a map of in the beginning, this is two months, two months of the just decade-long relationship, it was good. I want to get back to that. Well, that was fantasy. It's a honeymoon phase. What do you got now? Is that your fantasy about the other person who probably also has a fantasy about you? Is not there a responsibility to live up to your fantasy version? Is this version good enough? If not, then fucking move the fuck on. It's also like, sounds pro selfishness. And the thing is, you're not having fun. Those of you trapped in all these cycles of fantasy bonds, a trauma bonds, or you're not having a good time. And you're taking it to mean something about what you deserve or what the universe can give you and how come other people have this? And it's like, no, you're just trying to figure something out. You're in a different maze than you think you're in. If you wanted a life partner, would you be trying to get that from this person? If you honestly wanted that, would you be trying to get it from the people you're trying to get it from? The fact that you have a list of things that if they change, it would be good for you. That's your problem. If they have that about you, that's their problem. Unconditional love partnerships, interdependent partnerships, kind of boring because you're responsible for all your own shit. You're responsible for speaking up when you need space. You're responsible for acknowledging your feelings and whether or not those feelings are connected to to past pain. A lot of this is just the desire to control the environment. We wanna control another person because we're afraid of intimacy. We wanna tell them what to do and how to do it and where to be. We wanna tell them what their love language should be. It's their language. Their love language is whatever their language is. You can let them know what yours is and they can pick that up off the table and use it if they want to. Things affect relationships to understand that if you criticize, you can criticize someone with a high sex drive for not having enough sex with you and they'll have a, it'll lower their sex drive. Things get inside of people's heads. Why do you wanna make the people you love feel bad? It drives a wedge. And you're like, why are you being distant? Well, it was 'cause I was sad that my dad started doing shirtless TikToks, but now you've made me feel like I'm deficient because I've done it and now there's a weird wedge between us. There's things you should normalize here on earth that would make things go much smoother for you. Not everyone has space for stuff, especially going into this next year. People are working through their own shit. They don't have space for your shit a lot. That doesn't mean they don't love you. That doesn't mean you're not worthy. It doesn't mean they're bad. They're just on their own shit. You could say, hey, I liked it when we hung out or do you have space for that when we spent more time together? Not. It used to be great and now you suck. Like, who's that for? What's that gonna fix? You ever had anybody talk to you like that? You ever had somebody accuse you of being bad? These things work two ways. People get so caught up in their drama. They then fling their trauma. I meant to say trauma, but whatever. At the other person is if that person doesn't have trauma, when you tell somebody who's a voidant, which is just the other side of your trauma coin, if you're anxious, you don't love me enough, you don't show it, you're telling them they don't have a love, which are, if they're a voidant, they're already afraid of that. Normalize having conversations about your needs and normalize hearing your partner without projecting your fear of unworthiness. A voidant people normalize saying, "I need space." As far as long as you need space, be open to have that conversation. Hey, I love you very much. I wanna go be by myself. It doesn't have anything to do with you. A voidant people have to be, introverts have to be alone to reset. Understand also that people on the other side of that coin need closeness to reset. Sometimes you're both gonna need to reset at the same time. Work together in times where you're not triggered to figure that out. But if every single time your partner needs closeness, you write a movie about them being clingy and insecure, or every time your partner needs distance, you write a movie about them being, your parent that abandoned you, you're never gonna get anywhere. Divorce court. I hope you didn't get married. You all convince yourself of a bunch of stuff that isn't true. You give things 'cause you wanna give them, and then you use them as an indictment against the other person that they didn't do the same. You gave it 'cause you wanted to give it. My avatar loves to avoid her own problems by working on other people's problems, just 'cause she just does that. It's not really a sacrifice when my avatar does it, 'cause that's how she avoids her own shit. So for my avatar to be like, "I always help you with your shit, "and you don't help me with yours," isn't really fair. But also why are we doing this? Why is there an indictment against someone you love? Why are we trying to make people, we love, feel deficient? It doesn't make sense if what we want is love and intimacy. Normalize, consent in conversations. This is great with friends, family, hey, do you have space? Especially if you're gonna come trauma bomb someone, which my avatar does quite a bit. If you're gonna come drop a big complaint, you ever just been in a great mood and then your friend just shows up, just complaining about shit, and it's like, "Well, I was having a good day." Wouldn't it be nice if we normalize the change in the vibe? If you're gonna walk into a room in the rooms on a calm vibe, normalize, asking permission before turning it into frantic energy, normalize, bringing your shit to the plate of somebody. You don't know where they're at, you don't know what they're going through. Hey, you got space to talk about this? That's how the higher dimensions do it. Normalize seeing distance as an opportunity to soothe yourself, repairing yourself rather than in a front and evidence that you are hated and unwanted. Normalize breaking up, my God. Relationships on earth right now are designed to help you grow, to have a mirror close to you. They cannot rescue you. We are not offering support for the codependent template. If you try to have a codependent relationship, it is not going to go well for you at this point. You are alone when you are in an interdependent relationship. Your partner does not exist to bail you out. Your partner does not exist to complete you. Your partner is their own autonomous being with their own struggles and their own traumas and their own things that they're here to accomplish and the same with you and you get to fuck them. You get to fuck them and you get to talk to them when they're available to talk to you and you get to hang out when you both want to do the same thing. And maybe you have five of these in your life for different chapters of your life. Maybe you have one. You don't have to decide that on your one whether or not. You'll know in your 20, 40, that's someone you're gonna stay with for. You don't have to figure that all out. You don't have to try to secure it. None of that's gonna make you feel secure anymore. You're being pushed towards a more authentic version of yourself. Stop making the people close to you feel like shit. Stop trying to get things from people they can't give you. That partner you're still thinking about, you loved them so much and they didn't love you back and now they're with this fucking idiot. But here's the thing, that doesn't have anything to do with your worth and the thing that you're cycling is a belief, a fear that it does have to do with your worth. But we were perfect together. Maybe, maybe perfect for you. Chemistry's a bitch. Connection is a bitch. A lot of times you feel connection to people because you've shared 20 lives with them. If it was a twin flame, that relationship is endlessly transformative, which means you die and are born again over and over and over again. And you might think that's fun, but the other person might just want a normal lame ass life. Nothing has to exist forever so that you can prove to yourself that you are wanted or good. For more information on this bullshit, Soberish podcast, "Interdependence Bill of Rights," how do we interdependence? Out of boundaries talks about attachment systems. Anything that says "Interdependence" in the title, more information. There is an option to get a codependency hacking on the website whenever I have them open. jessareed.com, starting January 1st, there's an extra tier on the Patreon. jessareed.com, you can find the Patreon. That's paid content. $5 tier, two episodes a month, $7 tier, four episodes a month, $10 tier, weekly live streams, energy updates that got a little readings, hang out with the crew, usually Saturday nights, $20 tier, all of that, $20 tier plus live streams about that week's episode. Really good for people who want a more interactive experience with their podcast, who would want to interact with this. I have no idea. jessareed.com, you can also get merch, see really old pictures, see my tour dates that don't exist because comedy died in 2020. Good luck. I love you guys. Unconditionally, love you guys. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) 6. Pające lawmakers 6. Pające lawmakers