Trust Isn’t a Core Value — It’s a Privilege

[Music] Welcome to Structuring's Cars, where we talk about surviving systems you were told to trust. I'm Nikki Hansler Gordon, I'm a trauma therapist, educator, and unapologetic truth teller. In this space, we name what most people won't, and we talk about what it means to build something honest from what's left. Today's episode is called "Trust isn't a core value, it's a privilege." And we're going to break that down piece by piece. So here's the thing. Too many organizations say "Trust" is one of their core values, but they don't mean what they say, and what they actually want is obedience, not trust. So let's start with the myth that trust can be declared like a mission statement, that if you put it on a poster or in a handbook, it becomes reality. Trust is often performed and not practiced. When companies say "trust us," they're trying to shortcut the real difficult work of being trustworthy. That includes being transparent, ethical, and accountable, which a lot of organizations fail to do. Unconditional positive regard is present when you apply, interview, and accept the offer of employment. An offer of employment from an organization should be seen as an indicator of their willingness to establish trust, not a bid for fealty to the crown. Trust is often performative and not practiced. Again, organizations love to declare this, right? They plastered across their website, their mission statements, their onboarding slides, but seeing trust as one of our core values doesn't mean it's being lived. Performative trust is about appearances. It's using the language of psychological safety without doing the work to create it. It's a performance designed to generate compliance, not connection. When leaders declare trust without offering transparency, humility, or accountability, they're not building trust, they're branding it. For people who've been harmed by systems before, that performance isn't just empty, it's wildly activating. So we see this everywhere, a nonprofit that says, "Trust your leadership while making these major decisions behind closed doors, withholding critical information, or being dismissive of an issue that a staff member presents, and then they engage in shame to make that person be quiet." A school district that tells teachers, "We value trust while punishing anyone who speaks up about safety concerns." In practice, trust is often a euphemism for shut up and follow orders. This is emotional coercion dressed up as culture. It's a manipulation tactic. If you question leadership, suddenly you're not being a team player. If you have concerns, you're not aligned with their values. You're not disagreeing, you're betraying. That's how it gets twisted. For trauma survivors, that dynamic is especially toxic. They've learned the hard way to look for those red flags. It's not being negative, it's being attentive. Trauma survivors know that false trust often hides real harm. So here's what gets lost. Trust isn't a starting point. It's an outcome. It's earned through structure and through safety. Through repeated patterns that show you who you say you are, that you'll follow through, that your leadership is accountable. Structure and safety is what allows trust to form. This is where polyvagal theory comes in. I'm going to explain it, so hang in there with me. The nervous system isn't going to feel safe in an environment that's unpredictable, where there's gaslighting or authoritarianism. When you are in sympathetic arousal, which is fight flight or dorsal collapse, which is freeze, you can't trust. You're just surviving. So this is where structure is safety. Without predictability, transparency and accountability, trust is hollow. And that trauma informed leadership that so many organizations love to tell, especially the nonprofits, recognize that structure precedes trust. Trust is the byproduct of clear expectations consistent follow through and consequences that aren't arbitrary. So here's the polyvagal tie-in. The nervous system doesn't care about your job title. If a system activates that fighter flight or that shutdown, freeze, you cannot access trust. Ventral Vagal Safety is where trust lives. You earn that by regulating your power dynamics, welcoming feedback without retaliation and allowing space for repair. Trauma survivors aren't difficult. They're observant. They scan for patterns because past trust costs them safety. Here's an example. A clinician notices red flags during a staff meeting. I rolls when someone brings up equity, dismissive tone from leadership. That's data, not drama. Real trust only happens in ventral vagal safety, where you feel heard, where boundaries are respected, where dissent isn't punished. It's welcome as part of growth. A trauma informed leader doesn't say, "Just trust me." They say, "Let's build something together. Let me demonstrate to you over time I can hold your trust with care." When organizations skip this, what they're really doing is saying, "We don't have a structure that's trustworthy, but we're going to demand your loyalty anyway." This is where weaponized trust becomes institutional betrayal. Here are your red flags to watch out for. You hear just trust us, but information is withheld. Decisions are made without consultation. Harm is minimized. You're told to move on. Let's talk about institutional betrayal for a minute because it may be a term that's new to some of you. It's really important that you have a good understanding and awareness of what it means. For my first responder folks, you're going to know what I'm talking about right away. You may not realize that you do, but in my experience over the years, you absolutely are aware of it. So institutional betrayal happens when systems that promise protection cause harm instead. What does this look like? Feeling to respond to reported harm. Punishing people for disclosing trauma. Protecting the institution over the individual. HR departments, I'm looking at you. Here are some examples. Schools that silence students who report misconduct. Mental health nonprofits that mistreat staff while promoting wellness. An EMS provider who may report a critical safety issue and instead of being thanked for protecting patients is reprimanded for causing trouble or making the organization look bad. Their shift gets cut. They're passed over for a promotion. Leadership frames the report as disloyalty rather than accountability. This betrayal is layered. The institution promises to prioritize patient safety and provider welfare. But when a provider acts in alignment with those values, they're punished instead of protected. This communicates the system values its image more than its integrity and certainly more than its people. This example is especially activating for trauma survivors working in EMS, healthcare, nonprofit because it can mirror those personal histories of gaslighting, punishment for honesty and conditional belonging. The common thread here, survival is framed as disloyalty. This is that gaslighting loop. You question the system. The system questions your fit. You notice dysfunction. You're labeled difficult, unstable or ungrateful. This creates that internal confusion and self blame. Is it me? It's not. You're just awake and attentive. So trust is actually a living agreement. Trust isn't a declaration. It's a negotiated evolving dynamic and it requires mutual respect, the freedom to say no and evidence over time that your voice matters. It is a space where leadership invites and welcomes civil discourse. Healthy, functional and adaptive leaders can build this by admitting when they make a mistake. They center impact over intent and they don't expect praise for basic decency. What you can ask yourself is do I feel safe naming a problem here? And when we talk about safety, that is that internal sense of safety or inter-oception. reflect on what happened. when someone disagrees with leadership. And is trust used to build connection or demand compliance? So if you're in a system like this, you are allowed to leave, you are allowed to name the harm, and you are allowed to build or find something better. This is a privilege, those who demand it without earning it don't deserve it. So if this episode hit a nerve, that's because it's not just a theory, it's a pattern. If you've been told that trust means silence, self-sacrifice, or staying loyal to harm, I want you to know it's okay to call that what it is. It's a breach, it's a betrayal, and it's a boundary you are now allowed to hold. This is structure in scars. Share this with someone who's been told they're the problem for seeing things clearly. And remember, your healing deserves structure, your scars deserve respect, and your voice matters. Make sure your healing is as loud as the hell you went through to earn those scars. Thanks for being here, we'll check in next time. [Music]