Trump Kills the World Cup Vibe

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So if you haven't tried QB yet, find the bottle with the red cap and see what everyone's talking about. You'll understand. QB, the original Japanese mayonnaise. What's up Los Angeles? Welcome to Love It or Leave It live from Hollywood. I'm John Lovett and Taylor Swift copied my wedding. It was my idea to invite celebrities. Uh, we've got, we have got a great show for you tonight, but first let's get into it. What a week. Woo! The World Cup. Trump may have wrecked America's 250th birthday, the National Mall, and the experience of seeing a person in any red baseball cap at a distance. But the World Cup was a bright spot in a dark summer as fans visiting from all over the world discovered ranch dressing and Waffle House and the powerful air conditioners that help us survive the summer on a diet of ranch dressing and Waffle House. And then last Wednesday, Flo Baligan, the U.S. men's team's top scorer, received a red card in the game against Bosnia after stepping on a defender's ankle. Just as an aside, I love how soccer incentivizes these big dramatic performances from injured players. The tears, the crying out to the heavens, the rending of garments. Uh, try giving birth, fellas, as the women cheer and carry me off on their shoulders. Baligan was suspended for the following game, where the U.S. would face mighty Belgium. FIFA officials told reporters that the suspension could not be appealed. But it turns out that FIFA rules are a lot like the front lines in World War I. They seem immovable when it involves Germans and French and then America shows up late, guns blazing. On Thursday, Trump called FIFA president Gianni Infantino, which is Italian for "giant baby," and asked him to review Baligan's suspension. Trump also threatened to invade Karg Island unless Infantino opened up the Strait of Hormuz, but it was late and Trump is not great after dark anymore. Infantino has spent years sucking up to Trump. FIFA rented office space in Trump Tower, which has sat basically unused. Infantino also awarded Trump the made-up and embarrassing FIFA Peace Prize. And then on Sunday, FIFA made a stunning announcement. Baligan would be allowed to play against Belgium. After all, the first time a red card had been overturned at the World Cup since 1962. The Belgians were furious, though it's hard to tell because it's impossible to look angry while eating a waffle. Think about it. On Monday, Trump said he had nothing to do with the decision, but confirmed he called Infantino. "I understand sports really well, really well. And that wasn't a foul. That wasn't even an infraction. No, these were two great athletes that got tangled up. And this referee, who is a little bit suspect, if you check his past, I don't want to say that because I don't like to create controversy, but very suspect. If you'd like, I'll provide you with the past." Trump said that like he bumped into the ref on Epstein's Island. The president, who, as he said, "understands sports really well," continued: "He didn't do anything wrong. And he's our best player or one of our best players, a very vital player. And he gave him a red card. I didn't know what that meant. I didn't think it meant much. Then I started hearing that that means he can't play in the next game. That's very unfair. That's, you know, it's one thing to penalize somebody for the game. But how do you penalize them for a game that hasn't been run? That's not fair." Trump said, "I don't think that's fair. I don't think that's fair. I don't think that's fair." So, yes, I asked for a review by FIFA. So that starts with Trump having a problem with this specific issuance of the red card. Then Trump seems to have a problem with the existence of the red card generally. By the end, Trump questions the abstract concept of punishment itself. How do you penalize someone for a game that hasn't been played yet? You can't punish people in the past. That's not how time works. That's how time cop works. Look, the red card was unfair. So, in this instance, Trump used his corrupt influence for good. But does that make it okay? Yes. I'm sorry, but you want Belgium to have an advantage beyond the protected estuary that has allowed Antwerp to become a global shipping hub? And sure, Trump's intervention has totally obliterated the international goodwill we generated during our time hosting the World Cup. But that's not on us. Oh, visitors came to our shores, lulled into a sense of belonging by America's grandeur and sense of possibility, only to be shocked by our sociopathic ambition and competitiveness just beneath the surface. That's our whole thing. The land of opportunity, where no dream or hospital bill is too big. Welcome to America, bitches. Anyway, we lost to Belgium four to one. Fuck. The official account for the Belgian team posted a picture of their victory over the caption, "Overturn this." In a lighthearted response, the US military has destroyed the city of Brussels. Here's the Belgian team celebrating their victory with a not-so-subtle dig at Trump. Got 'em. Trump hasn't been this embarrassed in a locker room since that time he accidentally hit on a Miss Teen USA's mom. Thought she was one of the contestants. In less sporting news, Maine's hugely important Senate race was upended yet again, this time by a credible allegation that the Democratic Party's nominee, oyster farmer and scandal aficionado, Graham Plattner, committed sexual assault in 2021. A former partner of Plattner, a Democrat who actually had hoped to avoid going public, told Politico that he forced her to have sex with him despite her repeat assaults. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm repeated objections, a claim backed up by emails with her therapist, and messages warning an acquaintance about Plattner back in 2023. Plattner denied the allegations. I wanted to directly address the troubling, serious, and false allegations against me. Man, Bill Clinton really was one of a kind, wasn't he? He made you feel like you were the only person in the room he was lying to. Plattner weathered scandals around his Reddit posts and the Nazi tattoo he got while serving in the military. Polls showed that voters preferred Plattner to Maine's governor, 78-year-old Janet Mills, who suspended her campaign rather than lose her last race. And twist, it turns out this was the one 78-year-old politician who should have hung on to the bitter fucking end. In January, Plattner was asked directly on CNN if there would be any more scandals. Are there other skeletons from your past that still may emerge in this race? No. My life is not very complicated, and there no, there is not anything else coming. Ha, skeletons? No skeletons, said Plattner, seen here in his backyard. For those listening, it's a photo of Ralph Fiennes in 28 years later, colon, the bone temple. Safe to say, Plattner wasn't honest in that interview. He also wasn't honest about the tattoo when he claimed on Pond Save America to have only recently learned what it meant. He wasn't honest when he reassured Senate Democrats in June that there wouldn't be credible allegations of assault, and it's hard to believe he's being honest now. Now, when the allegations suggest Plattner may have been too drunk to even remember what he had done. So while Plattner has not yet officially dropped out, his statement suggests he will. Regardless of the inaccuracy of the reporting, but mindful of the political reality it will inflict, we are taking the time to reflect on the best path forward for the state that I love, the people that I love, the movement I belong to, and the goal of defeating Susan Collins. What a disaster. Covered up that Nazi tattoo for nothing. There will be people online who will say they were right about Graham Plattner all along, and to them I say, congratulations, your medals are in the mail. The problem is, if Graham Plattner was always unacceptable, the alternative was seen as even less acceptable by actual voters. Maine had to choose between a scandal-plagued candidate who challenged the establishment versus a boring and uninspired candidate who represented the establishment. And that should be a false choice. This is America. We don't even accept having to choose between Pizza Hut and Taco Bell, despite our doctors' tearful words. Every prominent Democrat has called on Plattner to withdraw from the race, and as long as he drops out by Monday, July 13th, he can be replaced on the ballot. But who will replace him, and how will that person be chosen? Nobody knows. Among the names are Janet Mills, who seemed barely interested in running in the first place, Maine public health official Nirav Shah, and state senator and logger Troy Jackson, both of whom lost their runs for governor, and Secretary of State Shana Bellows, who previously lost to Collins in 2014 by 37 points. But you know what? They say in Maine, a loser is just a winner who hasn't won yet. They don't say that. They say, give me that lobster. And, oh, we don't have many of you around here. And, is that Stephen King? Oh, no, that's a lobster. We don't have many of you around here. That's about Jews. Does that come across? Until then, as I've said from the very beginning, Janet Mills is 78, but a young 78. Let's go, Janet! And finally, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce tied the knot at an intimate 1,000-person wedding inside New York's Madison Square Garden. It ended with a judgment in Swift's favor, and Kelce was TKO'd in the third round. All right. We have got a great show for you tonight. Alana Ubach and Dana Goulder here. And we'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Love It or Leave It is brought to you by SimpliSafe. It's summertime, and a lot of us are packing up for long weekend getaways and vacations. Believing your home unattended can bring a lot of unwanted anxiety. That's why you need SimpliSafe to secure your home. With SimpliSafe, there are no long-term contracts or cancellation fees. SimpliSafe earns your business by keeping you safe, not by trapping you in a contract. It's fast and easy to set up on your own. No drilling required. No waiting around for a technician. The app-guided installation walks you through the process so you can get your system armed in less time. Less than an hour. And best of all, SimpliSafe is actually affordable. Monitoring plans start at just around a dollar a day. I set up SimpliSafe really easy to do. Can customize it to your home. 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If you are in the L.A. area, you can still get tickets at Crooked.com slash events to check out our new studio and upcoming guests, including the hilarious Langston Kerman and Margaret Cho, plus the first Gen Z member of Congress, Maxwell Frost, is here. And next week, we'll be joined by the great David Wayne and Joe Latruglio and other special guests. All right. My guests tonight have been in everything you've ever seen. And they were phenomenal. Put your hands together for Alana Eubach and Dana Gould. You have the misfortune. Hi. Hi. What is it? We know each other quite well. I like it. First of all, you're in TED together. We are in TED together, and we live in the same neighborhood. You live in real life. We live in the same neighborhood. Really? Mm-hmm. And I have had to take several medications because of this. Oh, really? No. Well, I wonder what kind of medications that would be. Alana and Dana, you both have IMDb pages longer than Taylor Swift's wedding guest list. But unlike Taylor's wedding, I'm here. And to kick off, so we're going to kick it off with a classic love it or leave it game. It's called Was I In This? That's exciting. Here's how it works. Alana and Dana will take turns asking you, our beautiful studio audience, about specific roles from their long and storied TV, and film work. Raise your hand if you'd like to try your luck answering a question. Here's your cards, Alana and Dana. Here are your cards. Thank you. Okay, Alana, why don't you kick us off? And what was your name, sir? I'm Robert. Robert. Robert. Alana, you want to ask him the question? Yes, fella. True or false, I portrayed a closeted lesbian in 1995's The Brady Bunch movie. True. Well, that's. Oh, shit! I'm so sorry! Would you have known? Uh, yes. Okay. Yes, I would have known. No, no, you did great. You did great. No, no, stay. Please, stay, stay. I'm not gonna mess up the next one. No, you did great. It's funny that it happened. I've given the cue cards before here. Okay. There's, well, there's another question on this one for the next person. Um, true or false? No, wait, yeah, do the next one, do that one. Don't take this the wrong way, Alana, but your very existence is an offense against nature. Wait, I want to talk about the Brady Bunch movie. Yes. Okay. So you were Marcia's closeted friend. That was, I feel like there's a lot of gay kids, that that was like a seminal experience. I really do, that that was a big deal, that you played a gay character on that, in that movie in 1995. Yes, and I was madly in love with Christine Taylor, who was married to Ben Stiller, and you have that Ben Stiller vibe, good looking, very intellectual. Wow. That's so nice. Yes. No, it's a compliment, I tell you. I mean, I accept it as such. I was supposed to be in love with him. I was supposed to meet the Fockers as well. I had his baby. Wow. So I got, I got both of them, a little polyamorous action there, and I got paid for it. Do you think that today Marcia would be bi? Would Marcia be bi? And just lead you on, but in a bi way, like, you know what I mean? Like she's oblivious in the film, it only, it works because she's from another era and you're a lesbian, which is modern in 1995 or whatever, but Marcia couldn't know because she was a creature from another time. She really was. But today she'd just be a kind of lead you on, but in a bi way. In a bi way. 100%. And Jan would be a they. Oh. Yeah. She would definitely be a they. Oh, for sure. You know what? That's what she's been searching for. That's what they've been searching for. Wait. Oh, yeah. Do you want to do the next one? And then we'll go to. Yes. Would anyone like to guess something else? Someone else raise your hand. And I'll give you the answer. I promise. This is going great. Here, let's go to Betsy in the front row. True or false? I played Paulette Bonafanti in Legally Blonde and Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde. False. Woo! You got it. And you won. That was Jennifer Coolidge's character. You were the friend, Serena Maguire. That was from a time when it was a big deal for a woman to be a lawyer. Yes. Back in the mid 2000s, like a woman lawyer with blonde hair and a lawyer with blonde hair. A woman lawyer. You too. You too could go. Wow. And she's kept surprising them by being good at it. Right? That's the twist in Legally Blonde is she's good at it. She's a smart wife. She's good at it. It's funny. It's funny. What? But she's good at it. Dana, why don't you do a question? What's your name? My name is Merith. Nice to meet you. Merith. Merith, Dana, ask a question. Hi, Merith. Hi. True or false? I played Paul Reiser's childhood friend, Frankie, in an episode of Mad About You, a sitcom in the '90s, when to turn the channel on your television set, you had to walk across the room and turn a knob with your hand. Like a monkey in a lab test trying to win a raisin. Yeah, that was clearly before my time. Yes. I'm going to go with true. Merith, that is false. Sorry. You looked me in the eyes and lied. I did. But I did play fragile Frankie Merman in an episode of the television series, Seinfeld. So you dug a hole in that episode. I did. And then you wrote a Simpsons episode also about digging a hole. I did. I did. I did. I dug a hole in that episode. - So you're a big hole guy. - And it gets worse. And then I created a show called Stand Against Evil and my character was a grave digger. And none of those things were intentional. But you step back and you look and there's something going on. There's something about you and getting into just digging. Something about digging in dirt in the earth. Get in the earth. I can't wait to die. And yet I don't want to be buried. And yet I've told my children when I die, I want my remains scattered along Mulholland Drive. Huh. But I don't want to be cremated. So. Just bits. Chunks. Just chunks. Fingers. I want a coyote walking down the street with a hand in its mouth. Been dead two weeks and I'm still on the neighborhood watch. And do you care if it's north of the road or south of the road? Do you mind if it's in the valley? I want it to be north of the road. Technically the valley. I want it valley facing. Technically you'll be in the, you'll be, you'll have been disposed of in the valley. I'm 818 for life. Okay. Okay. All right. All right. It's hotter. I love, I love the valley. I, I prefer the valley. I really do. Speaking of. All righty. Who's next? Hey, my name is Paul. Paul. True or false. I performed the role of Judge Jeanine Pierrot in 2019's Bombshell. True. So. All right, Paul. So talk about getting into character to play Judge Jeanine. It was all about the eyelashes. It was eyelashes. And then the character comes alive. That was all it took in a little box. I opened them and then we pulled them out, put a little glue on the eyelids at four o'clock in the morning, then put them back up. And I was her. That was it. That's all it took. Wow. Yeah. It was, it was something else. No, I just watched a lot of YouTube and, and, uh, that was it. A glass of wine at 11 a.m. Get into character a little bit. Seven. Seven glasses of wine. Seven glasses. A couple boxes of wine. A couple boxes. Just a couple of boxes. Hey, did you ever talk to her? Did she ever reach out to you after? No, she never did. She never did. I wonder why. Wait, Dan, you were, Wilford Brimley's in your episode of, of Seinfeld. Yes. And I played him on the Ben Stiller show, which we filmed a block and a half up the street. So it all comes full circle. I played Wilford Brimley, uh, on the Ben Stiller show, uh, in parodies of oatmeal commercials as funny today as they were then. And, uh, and then, and Wilford was famously a little bananas. Uh, and then when I met him on Seinfeld, I was. I was afraid that he might murder me because my, uh, impression of him wasn't what one would call respectful in any way. Uh, but he just stuck a bear paw out when Wil Brimley. And then I, cause he was one of those, like you read about, he was 26 when he made cocoon. Like he was just always old and frightening. The ages, the ages of people in the films that I grew up watching where they were the old characters are not like even the golden girls is the same way. We'll carry the cast of cocoon. We're so young. The traveling Wilburys were in their late twenties. Yes. Yes. When they became a super group, it's like, Oh, look at these decrepit crooners. It's like, those people are teenagers. Wilford Brimley. It's fucked up. It's so true. Do you think it's that we look better because we drink more water? Sometimes I think it's that. Something clearly happened because I am, I am far beyond where I can. I am now older than the age I used to put in scripts for people that were old. Now I have to like. I'm dating, she's an old woman, 107. Like I have to just keep moving it farther away from my age. I don't think it's the water. I think it's the Botox. I think it's the Restylane. I think it's the Juvederm and I think it is, Oh, should I get that line on Bedford drive? I think it's those fellas. Oh, man's a miracle worker. I put a little Juvederm in my coffee in the morning and I find that that helps. I don't think you're supposed to drink it, but I don't think it hurts. I think you look like you're seven. Yeah. I look like I'm seven from the Juvederm. I drink in my coffee. You want to do one more? I want to do one more question. That was one of the many QAnon conspiracies. Give Mira a shot. How about you say it at the same time, true or false? How about that? That's good. That's perfect. You guys ready? Good idea. Thank you for hosting. All right. You're doing great. I'm out of control. True or false? I lent my voice to many prostitute bystanders in Grand Theft Auto V. False. I got you. I got you. You saw me going, well, that's weird, you know what I'm saying? True. True. I won. I won. What's that? What are those days like when you're going in to record the various conversation trees as a prostitute in Grand Theft Auto V? Well, I'll tell you, Johnny. I was asked at the last minute, I think I was taking someone's place. Someone was sick. And so I walked in and for $223, I played all of the female. Female characters in Grand Theft Auto. Wow. Isn't that wild? It's a good thing. You better run. Not a lot of people bought it because it owed more money. I know. I was like residuals. Keep the money. What's money? Math. Math is boring. Tough business. Oof. Honey. A lot to think about. Was it a whole day? It must have been a lot of things. In and out in 30 minutes. Wow. 30 minutes. Well, it's just, it was just like. It was just like. Okay. Okay. Let's go. It was just like, "Look out!" You know? Stuff like that. You better run! Oddly, the motto of many prostitutes. I'm onto you, man. Oh, my God! He's after me. Those used to be the, those were the auditions that I always used to have to go on when I thought I would be an actor. I was always, "Okay, Dan, any time." Jag, don't! Thank you. That's hard. Yeah. That's hard to do just the little bits. It's worth. No. It's incredibly difficult. Yeah. I'd rather say a lot. Wait, Dan. Do one more. Do this one about Chip. Oh. True or false? By the way, the audience is looking at me like the jury in a trial I'm losing. True or false? I played Chip, a wealthy member of the Wentworth family, visited by Roseanne in season nine of ABC's Roseanne. True. You got it. True. You got it. Season nine. Season nine of Roseanne. Is that after they won the lotto? I was after they won the lotto. And I was also in the last season of Seinfeld. I was like the grim reaper of every sitcom in the '90s. I would show up and they're like, "All right, Dana's wrapped. Break down the set." Set the wardrobe. Let's give them one. Like when they let me pitch on the last game of Little League, even though I was terrible. Yeah. That's your role in these shows. Yeah, exactly. I would literally come in with a scythe and a cloak. Now. I'm here to play the neighbor. I have a theory, which is that Roseanne has become Roseanne. I have a theory, which is that Roseanne has become Rosie O'Donnell's Wario. What do you think about that? What was Roseanne like at the end of that show? Well, here's a funny. She had sort of taken the reins of the show and chased John Goodman and several other actors off of the premises. And at one point, we were sitting there and I was acting with Deena Merrill, who's a giant movie star, and we're just sitting there. And the director goes, "You know what would be good?" And Roseanne goes, "You're talking to me!" And the rule was that the director was not allowed to talk to Roseanne. So, he had to go through an intermediary. It was. Sounds like a healthy environment. The wheels had come off. Yeah. I also just think, creatively, it was a mistake for that family to win the lottery. Yeah. Yeah. Because that was the whole thing. It's like, what are we doing? Well, that made it so charming and endearing and. Right. It's a little bit like, again, the last season of Mad Men. They'd be like, "No more ads." Yeah. Yeah. Wait. They'd be like, "No more affairs." Yeah. Yeah. "We're going to keep it clean." They'd be like, "What if the Beverly Hillbillies were poor?" Then it would be sad. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're not friends anymore. Yeah. Dumb Sherlock Holmes. No one wants to see that. Yeah. You got to do the thing they came for. Does anyone know who murdered this man? I'm stumped. I can't figure it out. Oh, guys. I think we got the wrong guy. All right. I'll be right back. 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With Lennox, collect those moments every year or treat your favorite someone. When you give Lennox, you just might start a new tradition. Discover the full collection at lennox.com slash spicevillage. Chefs use it. Restaurants use it. You'll understand. They were both on at the same time. That's insane. 1964. Yeah, no, it was crazy. That's crazy. Like, remember there was Armageddon and Deep Impact at the same time? Deep Impact was the sophisticated Armageddon. About like, no, not how they did it with the drills. We have a better way of doing it. Big N18 again. Oh, yeah. Big N18 again. People have mediocre ideas at the same time. And vice versa. Remember vice versa? No. With Judd? With Judd Reinhold, right? I thought you were way younger than me. You're a little spring chicken, no? No, it's got that Juvederm. I got that Juvederm. You drink that Juvederm. Are you 107? I'm 43 years old, but I also. He's older than Irene Ryan was at the end of Beverly Hillbillies. She was in her early 30s. She was in her early 30s on that show. All right, we're back. This is part of the show now. She also played Gidget during the summer. So, and we'll get you back to your care center as soon as we can. By the way, you're doing a great job as part of this effort to kind of get you out into the world. I had Jell-O today. Oh, my God. My dad's 95. Your dad's 95. Still going. Yeah, still going. Can't get close enough with a steak and a mallet. no it's alarming it is no it's alarming for sure steak in a mallet trying to understand it's like he's a vampire oh i'm so stupid no i thought he was eating i thought he was eating a steak no he probably is right now steak in a mouth you know what you know what it is i don't think they you don't need the mallet they never have a mallet you brought a mallet into it as if That's the classic way of saying it. You know, you know, what's the guy? What's not? What's the guy? The hell Van Helsing? He has no fucking mallet. Yeah, he does. He's got a mallet. He has a mallet? I thought you just jam it in there. What are you, warry it in? Slowly warry it in? It's probably a rubber mallet. Yes. The vampire awakens. Hard part's over. Hard part's over. Worry it in. You're watching John, love it or leave it. Oh, my God, that's so funny. Shut up. Shut up, Dracula. I'm killing you. You're right. There's a mallet. Of course there's a mallet. And then dumb Sherlock Holmes comes in. Maybe we could shame him to death. No. Alana. Yes. Hey, what was it like the first day to act with that little bear? Oh, well. On Ted. He is not a bear. No, he's just like two eyeballs on a metal stick. Yeah, because I assume Seth MacFarlane is too rich to be hiding behind the couch during the takes. No, well, he's hiding behind the bushes. Oh, he's in there. Yeah. Wow. He's in there. They have him in this little booth, and they basically, first season, they had him, you know, they had all of these wires connected to him to pick up all of his emoting and, you know, expressions and everything, and he read with us off camera for every single scene. Wow. And we were looking at, you know, two little eyeballs on a metal stick the entire time, but we had to because of CGI. And then, in a matter of a year when we did second season, he no longer needed. any of those wires because technology had already advanced. So you could just film them. We don't even need the dots anymore. We don't even need those fucking dots. Eat shit, those little dots. It's amazing. Do you have to talk to this bear? I didn't have to talk to the bear. You didn't get to talk to the bear? But I did write some of the bear's dialogue. Oh, you wrote the bear? Yeah, and you also played a priest on the show. I did. I played Alana's priest. He put the dildo on the bear. Huh. He wrote that episode with the dildo on the bear. No, it is true. I wrote the episode I wrote. You start out writing a funny pastiche of the graduate, and then you find yourself Googling, what size is the average dildo? Yeah, they look bigger, though. I mean, they look bigger. Seth always likes to say, I just wanted to do a musical comedy. I just wanted to do musical theater, and before I know it, I'm on set, and they're just showing me different sizes of dildos, and I'm like, yeah, that'll work. That'll work on the bear. It's the kind of thing where you don't think you're going to have an opinion, then you see two dildos, and suddenly you got an opinion. You're going to have an opinion. It's like interior decorating, in a sense. You're like, I didn't know I cared about this, but now I have an opinion. They're not anatomical at all anymore. Oh. No, they're just like weird lime green, twisty shapes, and bright orange, curly cues. Sex toys now look like replacement limbs for an all-Muppet veterans hospital. Now, Dana, you've been interviewing people dressed up as Dr. Zaius from Planet of the Apes, and I'm going to just say that sentence again. Dana, you've been interviewing people dressed up as Dr. Zaius from Planet of the Apes. I would like to show everyone a clip. Like, I imagine the inventor of Pringles opening up a bag of potato chips going, ah! Like, he feels like a bag of potato chips, the way you hear, like, Werner Herzog describing birds. Like, oh, it's hideous. It's nothing but screaming. I can't handle it. Dana, did you ever worry that you're too niche? Yeah. Not obscure enough. I was so glad you were coming on the show, because this started coming across my feed. And I just, as is the case these days, you'll see something, and it's like, how long has this been going on? Like, why is this not more, well, how is this a secret? Yeah, it's genius. It's what? It's genius. This is so insane. I feel like either this must either have just begun, or the world should be talking about this. How are you getting dressed up as Dr. Zaius and having a talk show? Why isn't anyone stopping this? How did it happen? The whole thing is something of a horrible miracle. So, how did this start? When did it start? Um, I, okay, the very truncated version of the story is, I wrote a sketch for the Ben Stiller Show, a block and a half up the street in 1992. Dr. Zaius is doing Mark Twain tonight. I thought it'd be really funny, and we got cancelled before I got a chance to do it. And 18 short years later, I did it on a John Hodgman show at Sketch Fest in San Francisco. Because by then, I met a makeup, I have a lot of friends in that business, because I work in horror movies. I love horror movies. Do you pay them every single time they go to the movies? Every goddamn time! That's expensive. Um, and so. Little hobby. I did it there. That got on YouTube. You can see it. Dr. Zaius is Mark Twain. It'll come up. It's very funny. And then someone said, "Hey, could you do this, uh, political benefit?" I did something as I hosted as Dr. Zaius. And then, "Hey, could you get onto Atlanta? And they want to interview you for the Fathom events when they show Planet of the Apes in theaters." And I did it, and it just became a weird side hustle. And then during COVID, my friend Rob Cohen, who I worked with on Stellar, said, "Why don't we do a talk show like Space Ghost?" Because it was COVID and we were bored. And I thought, here's what's good about it. It's going to cost a fortune to do. But it will put us at risk of being sued by Disney. I actually did want to ask you about the rights. Yeah. Good question, John. So. No, we have a gentleman's agreement that if I don't make too much money, they're not going to kick up a fuss. And I told them, no worries. So, a recent study out of East China Normal University in Shanghai found that mask wearing increased what the researchers described as malevolent creativity by heightening anonymity with no effect on moral sensitivity. The study defines malevolent creativity as intentional use of novel ideas to disrupt social order or undermine cultural values. Is that the goal? It's not the goal, but it's a delicious side effect. But it really is. I will say, like, you know, I can act, but I'm not an actor. But I do actually, when you're in that much makeup and you're in the costume, you think differently. My wife says, like, you're gone when you do that. You walk differently. You sit differently. It's called in the zone. Yeah. And I will come up with stuff because of his personality. His personality is basically Sammy Davis Jr. He's just like, he knows everybody in the business. He loves everybody in the business. It's not between two ferns. It's obsequiousness to a ridiculous degree and which is much more my personality. And but I will say things that I don't think I would think of or I was interviewing Weird Al Yankovic and I just went like, Al, and I think I speak for everyone here in the audience when I ask, what do you do? And like, I would never have said that. But there's something it's like you can say that. Yeah, this because Jiminy Glick has that a little bit, too. Yeah. There's there's like a freeing thing. Much more profitable than what I do. What if over time you start to realize that you write better or think better as Dr. Z and you're like, you know what, if I'm going to really write this script, I got to get into the car. And then more and more of your days are spent in the costume until one day there is no Dana Gould. That's an indie. There's only there's only Dr. Z. I would I would green light that in a hot minute. That's a movie. Not going to happen. But the idea of there is no. Dana Gould will eventually be true. Alana. Do you ever wake up on a day when you have to act and go, oh, acting. I hate this. What a mistake I made. Oh, gosh. I know I had a lobotomy and I just love it. I still do. It's it's very weird. No, I'm a dog with a ball. It's I have this dog Stewie. He passed away not too long ago. And not to depress anyone, but it's a beautiful story. He loved his red ball. And even at the very end, like the day he died, he just he just loved the ball. And I just I love the ball. I'm that kind of a weirdo. I'm a freak. Yeah. Not weird. It's cool, though. Oh, it's it's I'm Santa Claus and Santa Claus at the mall. You do the thing you love. I love it. I will say I will say you because I was she played the mom on the show Ted Scott. Grimes played the father and I was in the writer's room and we would finish these scripts and we thought they're pretty goddamn funny, John. All these people have to do is read it and it's gold. And what you see on the show is so much funnier than what left the room. You know, they really are. All that cast is so great and they're really they're really brilliant. It was a good time. She's yeah, she's terrific. That was a good time. Yeah. Yeah. Sorkin used to say when we were working on the newsroom that his ideal director would just take his scripts and put them on a music stand and then have a white glove just turn the pages for the audience at home to just read. That was his ideal version of his one of his films being directed. He dated Pauline Poroshenkova. Oh, interesting. I remember that for like a hot minute. Do you know anything about it? Do you have his phone number? Let's call him. Let's ask what she was like horizontally. He never he never gave me his number. Alana, you're in Lucky, which is premiering on July 15th. Yes. On Apple TV plus. The plus is for the TV shows. Yes. That's what the plus is. It's for the shows. Yes. Anya is phenomenal in it. She's a con artist and she cons myself and I yeah. And I get to pull a gun out on her. And there's this this wonderful rattlesnake in my episode named Mr. Whiskers, I think his name is. And he's been in the business for a long time. He was born without a rattle, apparently that. Yes. Wow. They have his little rattle costume hung up for him in his trailer and then they put it up. No, no joke. And I was in a scene with him and I think it was the same rattle from Euphoria. Mr. Whiskers. Check out Dr. Z on YouTube on hang in with Dr. Z dot com and you can catch Alana in Lucky premiering on July 15th on Apple TV plus the plus stands for TV shows. And oh, Dana's new special. Perfectly normal on 800 pound gorillas YouTube channel as well. That's right. We'll be right back. Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Willie's Remedy. I love Willie's Remedy. It's my favorite. It's a great thing to do at the end of the day. 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Discover the full collection at Lennox.com/SpiceVillage. This is Matt Rogers from Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. OK, we've been talking about Kewpie Mayo for a minute now, Bow. And wow, the feedback we're getting. You're stopping us in the street going, I love Kewpie. And if you're thinking, wait, what is Kewpie? Do you not have the Internet? Well, the answer: egg yolks. Kewpie is made with egg yolks only, giving it this incredibly rich umami flavor that elevates everything: burgers, fries, sandwiches, chicken, noodles. Chefs use it. Restaurants use it. Whatever you're eating, Kewpie it. So if you haven't tried Kewpie yet, find the bottle with the red cap and see what everyone's talking about. You'll understand. Kewpie, the original Japanese mayonnaise. And we're back. Pop culture. Boy, we love it. But sometimes, is it, can you know what it's real? People. Cypher game we're calling The People Have Spoken. Here's how it works. Alana and Dana, I'm going to read you an insane headline you will tell us. Is this a real honest-to-God people headline that a human being wrote up or a fake one that our human beings wrote up? All right. Are you ready? Yes. First up, singer G Flip gets thigh tattooed with meaningful ink by off-campus cast in sweet behind-the-scenes video. Yes, it's true. You got it. Did you know any of that? It was just too specific. It didn't sound like my G Flip. G Flip. G Flip. G, G Flip. How do you say hello to Flip Wilson? Come on. Are you doing Karnak now or what the fuck are you doing? I'm up here for me. Yeah, I love it. You know he's doing Karnak? You clowns. I'm insulting them for you. The Cotton Tops know. Yeah, yeah. Astronaut opens up about what it's like to be on Ozempic in space exclusive. False. You got it. That's fake. We made it up. Really? Yeah, the astronauts, they don't interview astronauts. I'm going to, I'm just going to say this with no experience, but I'm going to guess that zero G is not where you want diarrhea. Next headline. Sara Bareilles told Anderson Cooper she wouldn't give him writing credits after he inspired a song, quote, you have enough money. True. I hope it's true. Yeah, it is. She said that. No credits from Sara Bareilles. Snow-haired newsmaven. With his t-shirts. Yeah. John Saina debuts bald look in preparation for second hand transplant. I went all in. That is true. I saw that. It was true. There he is. Yeah. And there's a sweetness to him. He looks, you know, he looks nice like that. I think he looks hot. He looks like that. He looks good. I have a theory about bald men. Let me tell you something. Here it comes. There's a lot of testosterone going on when you lose your hair. You know what I'm saying, ladies. Right? They fell asleep again. Yeah. Come on, guys. Well, you can do that. You got it. Well, you have to have the head for it. You have to have the head. You have to have the head for it. I'm Patrick Stewart, the Ed Harris. Yeah, they have just that. Yeah. There's something. Bald guys turn me on. Good ridgelines. Yeah. Not like me. No, no. I would just, I would look, it would be bad. Yeah. It would be bad. Yeah, I just think there's no way around it. Some people, I just, it wouldn't work. It wouldn't work. I look like one of those marshmallow, remember those foam marshmallow peanuts? Uh-huh. Yeah, that's what I got going on. Yeah, yeah. Sort of, yeah, but not facing the way you think. Thank God for my Rowan Hugh thatch. Yeah. Not every day, but more than you think, Mary Steenburgen on her marriage to Dead Danson, new pictures. True. Very boring. I was going to say it's true, and I was going to say it was true, but it's not about what you think. Yeah, right. It's just about, it's about baking. Yeah. Did she really say that? Jojo Siwa clarifies comments on Israel. Woo! True. True, baby. No. No, we made it up. Oh, let's do two more. Dua Lipa's terrifying health scare, a psychic told me I had Lyme disease. I hope that's true. Please make it be true. Riley Green admits he thought his ex-girlfriends would text him when he won People's Sexiest Country Star. They didn't. True. Yeah. Yeah. It was real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that one. Oh, that's sad for him. That, see, and by the way, that's the problem with country music. Like Riley, his green. That's the sexiest country music. That's the sexiest country star. He is hot. Ned Flanders. Woo! You could try to mock that. That's a hot guy. No, that's not. That is a beautiful man. That's from his new album, Oakley Doakley. I, I, I, he can Oakley my Doakley all night long. The Oakley Doakley rich boys. Well, you're jealous. You're jealous. The boys are jealous. Oh, my God. Oakley, Oakley Doakley. No, I don't understand the mustache. I do. The raw, just the single mustache. I do. No, I know a lot of people do it. I, I don't, uh, I don't get it. I just have never, I, I've never been able to. I get it all night long. It's working for a long time. Well, it is a, it's a, you look like a porn star, you know. I know. I mean, he does look cool. Or a fireman. I think certain people can pull it off. You get a role play. Certain people can really pull it off, and I think he's pulling it off. It's a beautiful blue mustache. I don't think I would pull it off. I think I would look strange. Like a baby in disguise. It's a thick mustache. Look at that. Like a sick baby in disguise. Yeah, yeah. Like a, like a, like a baby, like a medically. Toddler trying to sneak into an R-rated movie. Well, now that the markets have closed, I guess I'll go see Transformers. Fantastic. Um, yeah, he's gorgeous. I don't get it. You've won the game. All right. Now. You've, you've won the game, he spat. With daggers in my eyes. We're having fun, right? Yes! Yes! I've had a great time tonight. Yes, show me more naked guys on your, on your TV screen over there. But the question is, did everyone else? Because it's time for a segment we call Second Thoughts. Uh-oh. Here's how it works. I have a comprehensive list of all the things that the producers of this show wish I had done differently. And I'm going to run through. I'm going to run through them with you, uh, because I think we're going to, we're going to kind of learn and grow. And if you have any second thoughts about tonight, this is your opportunity. Let's do it. First up, uh, I shouldn't give the Pentagon ideas about destroying the city of Brussels. Also, I should have said Bruges. Bruges? Bruges. Is the city Bruges? In Bruges. Bruges. Bruges. Bruges. Maybe that's a funnier word. Uh, I tried my main accent. What is, um, do you do a main accent? Do you do a main accent? I, well, we were, we did it because we, we had the joke for it. I didn't, I, unlike you, I, we wrote the joke and then saw if I could do it. Right. Well, no, I, I'm from Massachusetts and I can't do a main accent. Well, I think it's, it's, you sort of, you, you kind of, it's a, to me, it's a mid-Atlantic. It's in the back of your mouth. You're sort of like, what if Katharine Hepburn didn't shake as much, you know? Right. And you kind of, you know what I mean? Right. You do Katharine Hepburn, but you don't, you just kind of leave, you leave it. You leave it up here. Because once it starts shaking, then you're in the Katharine Hepburn thing. You know the old joke about Katharine Hepburn going into the adult novelty store and she goes, do you have those little eggs that people put inside their vaginas that vibrate? And they go, yes, we do. How do you turn them off? Yeah, it's a great joke. It's a great joke. And that's a great, and that's a great joke. That's a great joke. Katharine Hepburn. Katharine Hepburn, a legend. I know, a timely reference. Uh, it probably wasn't, it was a mistake for me to say to the audience, that was about Jews. I called Dana a big, a big hole guy. I shouldn't have said how old I am. Uh, let's see. I argued about the logistics of killing a vampire and was wrong. Uh, I didn't. I'm not having this argument again. I brought up a study from East China Normal University. Uh, we, I failed to explain any context of the dildo on Ted. Didn't, didn't even ask a question or a follow-up. Uh, you know. Always better in theory than practice. Yeah. One hundred percent. One hundred percent. Better to be talked about than seen. I thought you meant dildos are better in theory than practice. I did. Oh. I did mean that. Yeah. Yeah. It's fantastic. You have to watch that episode. Which episode? It's the first one, isn't it? Or the second? I believe it is the, I don't know. Second. Yeah. It's, it's a funny one. No, type in dildo teddy bear. Yeah. Don't type in dildo teddy bear. Don't. Hey. Do yourselves a favor. Don't. You can try something else. Vibrating dildo teddy bear. So find it. Yeah. Dildo teddy bear. You're going to get an AI Elvis film that you don't want to watch. You type, you type dildo teddy bear into your search bar, then it's just. Yeah. There's a knock on the door. Yeah. But here's the thing. The government. The government. The government. The government. The government. It's sad that if you type dildo teddy bear into your search bar, something's going to come up, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I often wonder if, like, well, I, during COVID, I, I watched all of the porn. All of the porn. All of the, I got, I finally clicked on the last link and it was just a skeleton and a miner's hat. That's it. You're all done. Holding up a lantern and a mine. There's nothing left. Well, how, how much of that time were you gay, you think? Uh, a good 30, 33%. It's always 35%. It's always 35%. It's always 35%. It's Kinsey scale. But I just could not keep myself dedicated to the necessary physical fitness. What is your favorite porn? It's been years. That's a weird thing, in all honesty. I like Behind the Green Door. In all honesty. Naughty Marietta. All, yeah, but all of, like, the, the, when I watched porn. Sex Boat. All those women are now, like, old, nice old ladies. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, they're all, but they still have spirit. Yeah. Possibly, this is where I'm going to end the show. Yes. I just, that is where we're at. And we could, just as. You know who the first porn I saw was Lucy. You know, the one they found in Africa. You mean like Australopithecus? Yeah. That was the first one. It was Clan of the Sex Cave Bear. And it was a spinoff. Oh, a spinoff. A spinoff, all right. Thank you so much to Lana Yubak and Dana Gould. There are 117 days until the midterm elections. And we will be back in your feeds on Friday. Have a great night. You don't, you don't have to air every one. Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. Our show is produced by Kendra James, Bill McGrath, Kelsey Gante, and me, John Lovett. Our production team includes Hallie Keeper, Sarah Lazarus, Raman Borsellino, Peter Miller, David Toles, Claudia Shang, Jay Banks, Gavin Purcell, and Matt DeGroote. And our staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America East. Coca-Cola. For the big. For the small. The short. And the tall. Peacemakers. Risk takers. For the optimists. Pessimists. For long-distance love. For introverts. And extroverts. The thinkers. And the doers. For old friends. And new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you. Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Tom Thumb. Fall is here and your busy days are just getting started. Power through every crisp morning and weekend adventure with your favorite nutrition brands. Now through December 1st, fuel your fall with savings and stock up on items like Cliff Builder Protein Bars, Cliff Bar 10 Packs, Luna Bars, and Cliff Snack Bars for on-the-go snacking. Plus, take on your day with 5-hour energy. Offer ends December 1st. 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