Trump Kills the World Cup Vibe

-What's up, Los Angeles? [ Cheers and applause ] Welcome to "Love or Leave It Live" from Hollywood. I'm John Love and Taylor Swift, copied my wedding. It was my idea to invite celebrities. We've got -- We have got a great show for you tonight. But first, let's get it in. [ Cheers and applause ] What's up, Los Angeles? Welcome to "Love or Leave It Live" from Hollywood. First, let's get into it. What a week. [ Cheers and applause ] The World Cup. Trump may have wrecked America's 250th birthday, the national mall, and the experience of seeing a person in any red baseball cap out of distance. But the World Cup was a bright spot at a dark summer as fans visiting from all over the world discovered ranch dressing in Waffle House and the powerful air conditioners that help us survive the summer on a diet of ranch dressing in Waffle House. And then last Wednesday, flow Balaghan, the U.S. men's team's top score received a red card in the game against Bosnia after stepping on a defender's ankle. Just as an aside, I'd love how soccer incentivizes these big, dramatic performances from injured players, the tears, the crying out to the heavens, the rending of garments, a try-giving birthfellas as the women cheer and carry me off on their shoulders. [ Laughter ] Balaghan was suspended for the following game where the U.S. would face mighty Belgium. FIFA officials told reporters that the suspension could not be appealed. But it turns out that FIFA rules are a lot like the front lines in World War I. They seem immovable when it involves Germans in French and then America shows up late guns blazing. [ Laughter ] On Thursday, Trump called FIFA President Gianni Infantino, which is Italian for giant baby, and has him to review Balaghan's suspension. Trump also threatened to invade Carg Island unless Infantino opened up the Strait of Hormuz. But it was late, and Trump is not great after dark anymore. Infantino has spent years sucking up to Trump. FIFA rented office space in Trump Tower, which has sat basically unused. Infantino also awarded Trump the "made-up" and embarrassing FIFA Peace Prize. And then on Sunday, FIFA made a stunning announcement. Balaghan would be allowed to play against Belgium after all the first time a red card had been overturned at the World Cup since 1962. The Belgians were furious, though it is hard to tell because it's impossible to look angry while eating a waffle. [ Laughter ] Think about it. On Monday, Trump said he had nothing to do with the decision, but confirmed he called Infantino. I understand sports really well, really well. And that wasn't a foul. That wasn't even an infraction. These were two great athletes that got tangled up. And this referee, who is a little bit suspect, if you check his past, I don't want to say that because I don't like to create controversy, but very suspect. If you'd like, I'll provide you with the past. Trump said that like he bumped into the ref on Epstein's Island. The president, who, as he said, understands sports really well, continued. He didn't do anything wrong. And he's our best player, or one of our best players. It's a very -- and he gave me a red card. I didn't know what that meant. I didn't think it meant much. Then I started hearing that that means he can't play in the next game. That's very unfair. That's -- you know, it's one thing to penalize somebody for the game. But how do you penalize them for a game that hasn't been played yet? It's very unfair. You can't do that. So, yes, I ask for a review by FIFA. So that starts with Trump having a problem with this specific issuance of the red card. Then Trump seems to have a problem with the existence of the red card, generally. By the end, Trump questions the abstract concept of punishment itself. How do you penalize someone for a game that hasn't been played yet? You can't punish people in the past. That's not how time works. That's how time cop works. Look, the red card was unfair. So, in this instance, Trump used his corrupt influence for good. But does that make it OK? Yes. I'm sorry, but you want Belgium to have an advantage beyond the protected estuary that is allowed and Trump to become a global shipping hub? And sure, Trump's intervention has totally obliterated the international goodwill we generated during our time hosting the World Cup. But that's not on us. Oh, visitors came to our shores lulled into a sense of belonging by America's grandeur and sense of possibility, only to be shocked by our sociopathic ambition and competitiveness just beneath the surface. That's our whole thing, the land of opportunity where no dream or hospital bill is too big. Welcome to America, bitches. Anyway, we lost to Belgium 4-to-1. The official account for the Belgian team posted a picture of their victory over the caption, overturn this. In a lighthearted response, the US military has destroyed the city of Brussels. Here's the Belgian team celebrating their victory with a not-so-subtle dig at Trump. [APPLAUSE] Got him. Trump hasn't been this embarrassed in a locker room since that time he accidentally hit on a misteen USA's mom. Thought she was one of the contestants. In less sporting news, Maine's hugely important center race was upended yet again this time by a credible allegation that the Democratic Party's nominee, oyster farmer, and scandal-efficient autographed platinum, committed sexual assault in 2021. A former partner of platinum, a Democrat who actually had hoped to avoid going public, told Politico that he forced her to have sex with him despite her repeated objections acclaimed backed up by emails with her therapist and messages warning in acquaintance about platinum back in 2023. Platinum denied the allegations. I wanted to directly address the troubling, serious, and false allegations against me. Man, Bill Clinton really was one of a kind, wasn't he? He made you feel like you were the only person in the room he was lying to. Platinum weathered scandals around his reddit posts and the Nazi tattoo he got while serving in the military polls showed that voters preferred platinum to Maine's governor, 78-year-old Janet Mills, who suspended her campaign rather than lose her last race. And twist, it turns out this was the 178-year-old politician who should have hung on to the bitter fucking end. In January, Platinum was asked directly on CNN if there would be any more scandals. Are there other skeletons from your past that still may emerge in this race? - No, my life is not very complicated, and there is not any skill-scaling. - Huh, skeletons. No skeletons said Platinum are seen here in his backyard. (audience laughing) For those listening, it's a photo of Ray Fines in 28 years later, Colin, the bone temple. (audience laughing) Safe to say, Platinum wasn't honest in that interview. He also wasn't honest about the tattoo when he claimed on Ponce, America, to have only recently learned what it meant. He wasn't honest when he reassured Senate Democrats in June that there wouldn't be credible allegations of assault, and it's hard to believe he's being honest now when the allegations suggest Platinum may have been too drunk to even remember what he had done. So while Platinum is not yet officially dropped out, his statements suggest he will. - Regardless of the inaccuracy of the reporting, but mindful the political reality won't reflect. We are taking the time to reflect on the best path forward. - For the state that I love, the people that I love, the movement I belong to, and the goal of defeating Susan Collins. - What a disaster, covered up that Nazi tattoo for nothing. (audience laughing) There will be people online who will say they were right about Grand Planner all along, and to them I say congratulations, your medals are in the mail. The problem is, if Grand Planner was always unacceptable, the alternative was seen as even less acceptable by actual voters. Main had to choose between a scandal-plague candidate who challenged the establishment versus a boring and uninspired candidate who represented the establishment. And that should be a false choice. This is America. We don't even accept having to choose between Pizza Hut and Taco Bell, despite our doctor's tearful warnings. (audience laughing) Every prominent Democrat has called on Platinum to withdraw from the race, and as long as he drops out by Monday, July 13th, he can be replaced on the ballot, but who will replace him and how will that person be chosen? Nobody knows. Among the names are Janet Mills, who seem barely interested in running in the first place. Main public health official, Narav Shah, and state senator and logger Troy Jackson, both of whom lost their runs for governor and secretary of state, Shanna Bellows, who previously lost to Collins in 2014 by 37 points. But you know what they say in Maine? A loser is just a winner who hasn't won yet. (audience laughing) They don't say that. They say give me that lobster. And oh, we don't have many of you around here. And is that Stephen King? Oh no, that's a lobster. (audience laughing) We don't have many of you around here. That's about Jews, does that come across? Until then, as I've said, from the very beginning, Janet Mills is 78, but a young 78, let's go Janet. (upbeat music) And finally, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey tied the knot at an intimate 1,000 person wedding inside New York's Madison Square Garden. It ended with a judgment in Swift's favor, and Kelsey was TKOed. the third round. Alright, we have got a great show for you tonight, a lot of U-Box and Dana Goulder here! And we'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It Or Leave It coming up. Love It Or Leave It is brought to you by Simply Safe. It's summertime and a lot of us are packing up for long weekend getaways and vacations. Believing your home unattended can bring a lot of unwanted anxiety. That's why you need Simply Safe to secure your home. With Simply Safe, there are no long-term contracts or cancellation fees. Simply Safe earns your business by keeping you safe, not by trapping you in a contract. It's fast and easy to set up on your own, no drilling required, no waiting around for a technician. The app guided installation walks you through the process so you can get your system armed in less than an hour and best of all. Simply Safe is actually affordable, a monitoring plan start at just around a dollar a day. I set up, as simply as they have really easy to do, can customize it to your home, really easy to set up. And then the app is really great. 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To check out our new studio and upcoming guests, including the hilarious Langston Kerman and Margaret Cho, plus the first Gen Z member of Congress Maxwell Frost is here. And next week, we'll be joined by the great David Wayne and Joe Lutuglio and other special guests. Alright. My guests tonight have been in everything you've ever seen, and they are phenomenal. Put your hands together for a lot of you back and date a gul'd. You have the Ms. Unhigh. Hi. You have the Ms. Fortune. What is it? We know each other. I like it. First of all, you're in Ted together. We are in Ted together, and we live in the same neighborhood. You live in real life. The same neighborhood. Really? And I have had to take several medications because of this one. Oh, really? No. Well, wonder what kind of medications that would be. Alana and Dana, you both have IMDb pages longer than Taylor Swift's wedding guest list. But unlike Taylor's wedding, I'm here. And to kick off. So we're going to kick it off with a classic love it or leave it game. It's called Was I in this? That's exciting. Here's how it works. Alana and Dana will take turns asking you our beautiful studio audience about specific roles from their long and storied TV and film work. Raise your hand if you'd like to try your luck answering a question. Here's your cards, Alana and Dana. Here are your cards. Thank you. Okay. Why don't Alana, why don't you kick us off? And Polo, what was your name, sir? I'm Robert. Robert. Alana, you want to ask him the question? Yes, fella. True or false? I portrayed a closeted lesbian in 1995's The Brady Bunch movie. True. Well, that's. Oh, shit. I'm so sorry. Would you have known? Yes. Okay. Yes. Now, no, no, you did great. You did great. No, no, stay. Please stay. Stay. I'm not going to mess up the next. No, you did great. It's funny that it happened. There's well, there's another question on this one for the next person. We know we do the next one. Do that one. Don't take this the wrong way, Alana, but your very existence is an offense against nature. Wait, I want to talk about the Brady Bunch movie. Okay. So you were Marsha's closeted friend. That was, I feel like there's a lot of gay kids that that was like a seminal experience. I really do. That, that, that was a big deal that you played a gay character on that in that movie in 1995. It was madly in love with Christine Taylor, who was married to Ben Stiller. And you had that Ben Stiller vibe. Good looking. Wow. Very intellectual. That's so nice. No, it's a compliment I took. I, I, I accept it as such. I was supposed to be in love with him and meet the fuckers as well. I had his baby. Wow. So I got, I got both of them. A little polyamorous action there. And I got paid for it. Do you think that today Marsha would be by? Would Marsha be by? And just lead you on, but in a by way, like, you know what I mean? Like, like, she's oblivious in the film. It only, it works because she's from another era and you're a lesbian, which is modern in 1995 or whatever. But Marsha couldn't know because she was a creature from another time. She really was. But today she just be kind of lead you on, but in a by way, 100% Jan would be a day. Oh, yeah. They then would have to offer sure that we know what that she's been searching for. That's what they've been searching for. Wait, oh, yeah, do I do the next one? And then we'll go. Yes. Would anyone like to get something else? Raise your hand and I'll give you the answer. I promise. This is going great. Here, let's go to Betsy in the front row. True or false? I played Paulette Bonafonte and Legally Blonde and Legally Blonde, two red, white and blonde. False. You got it. You got it. You won. That was that was that was Jennifer Coolidge's character. You were the friend Serena McGuire. That was from a time when it was a big deal for a woman to be a lawyer. Yes. Back in the mid 2000, like a woman lawyer with blonde hair and a lawyer with blonde hair, a woman lawyer. Wow. And she's kept surprising them by being good at it. Right. That's the twist in Legally Blonde. She's good at it. She's a smart man. She's good at it. It's funny. That's what it's like. What? But she's good at it. Dana, why don't you do a question? What's your name? My name is Mira. Mira, Mira, Dana, ask a question. Hi, Mira. Hi. True or false? I played Paul Reiser's childhood friend Frankie in an episode of Mad About You, a sitcom in the 90s, when to turn the channel on your television set. You had to walk across the room and turn a knob with your hand like a monkey in a lab test trying to win a raisin. Yeah, that was clearly before my time. Yes. I'm going to go with true. Oh, Mira, that is false. You looked me in the eyes and lied. But I did play fragile Frankie Merman in an episode of the television series, Seinfeld. So you dug a hole in that episode. I did. And then you wrote a Simpsons episode also about digging a hole. I did. So you're a big hole guy and it gets worse. And then I created a show called Stan Against Evil. And my character was a gravedigger. And none of those things were intentional. But you step back and you look and there's something going on. There's something about you in getting into just digging them. Something like digging dirt in the earth, getting in the earth. Can't wait to die. And yet I don't want to be buried. And yet I told my children when I die, I want my remains scattered along Mulholland Drive, huh? But I don't want to be cremated. I want to coyote walking on the street with a hand in its mouth, been dead two weeks and I'm still on the neighborhood watch. And do you care if it's north of the road or south of the road? Do you mind if it's in the valley? I want to be north of the road. Technically, the valley. Technically, you'll be in the, you'll be, you'll have been disposed of in the valley. I made one eight for life. Okay. Okay. All right. All right. It's hotter. I love the valley. I prefer the valley. I really do. Speak it up. Alrighty. Who's next? Hey, my name is Paul. Paul, true or false? I performed the role of Judge Janine Pierrot in 2019's bombshell. True. So, all right, Paul. So talk about getting into character to play Judge Janine. It was all about the eyelashes. That was eyelashes. And then the character comes alive. That was all it took in a little box and open them. And then we pulled it out, put a little glue on the eyelets at four o'clock in the morning and put them back up. And I was her. I was it. That's all it took. Wow. Yeah. It was something else. No. I just watched a lot of YouTube and that was it. Big glass of wine at 11 a.m. Get into character a little bit. Seven. Seven glasses. Seven glasses. A couple boxes of wine. Just a couple of boxes. Hey, did you ever talk to her? Did she ever reach out to you? No. She never did. I wonder why. Wait a day. You were Wilford Brimley's in your episode of Seinfeld. Yes. And I played him on the Ben Stiller show, which we filmed a block and a half up the street. So it all All comes full circle. I played Wilford Brimley. on the Ben Stiller show and parodies of oatmeal commercials as funny today as they were then. (audience laughing) And then, and Wilford was famously a little bananas. And then when I met him on Seinfeld, I was afraid that he might murder me 'cause my impression of him wasn't what one would call respectful in any way. (audience laughing) But he just stuck a bare paw and will brimly. And then I, 'cause he was one of those, like you read about, he was 26 when he made Cocoon. Like, yes, he was just always old and funny. - Yes, the ages, the ages of people in the films that I grew up watching where they were the old characters are not, like even the Golden Girls is the same way, Wilford carried the cast to Cocoon was so young. - The traveling Wilford were in their late 20s. - Yes, yes, when they became a super group. Oh, look at these decrepit recruiters. Like, those people are teenagers. You're so, you're so Wilford brimly, it's fucked up. So do you think it's that we look better 'cause we drink more water? Sometimes I think it's sad. - Something clearly happened because I am far beyond where I can, I am now older than the age I used to put in scripts for people that were old. Now I have to like update it, she's an old woman. 107, like I have to just keep moving it farther away from my age. - Yeah, I don't think it's the water. I think it's the Botox. I think it's the Restylon. I think it's the Juvederm. - Do you think it is? - Oh, should I get that? - I'll just climb on Bedford Drive. I think it's those families. - Man's a miracle worker. (laughing) I put a little Juvederm in my coffee in the morning and I find that that helps. I don't think you're supposed to drink it but I don't think it hurt. - You look like you're seven. - Yeah, I look like I'm seven from the Juvederm. I drink in my coffee. - Yeah. - Do you want to do one more question? That was one of the many QAnon conspiracies. Give Mira a shot. - Give Mira a shot. - At the same time true or false. - That's good, perfect. - You guys ready? - Good idea. Thank you for hosting. All right, you're doing great. - I'm out of control. True or false? I went my voice to many prostitute bystanders in Grand Theft Auto 5. - I got it. I got it. - 'Cause it's all my heat. - It's all my heat. - That's weird, you know what I'm saying? - True, true. I won. I won. - What's that? What are those days like when you're going into record the various conversation trees as a prostitute in Grand Theft Auto 5? - Well, I'll tell you Johnny, I was asked at the last minute. I think I was, I think I was taking someone's place. Someone was sick. And so I walked in and for $223. I played all of the female characters in Grand Theft Auto. - Wow. - No, wild. - It's a good thing not to-- - You better run. - Not a lot of people bought it, 'cause you have more money. - I know, I just, I was like residuals. (buzzer) Keep the money. - What's money, math? Math is boring. (laughing) - Fuck. (laughing) - Tough business. - Ooh, honey. - What to think about? Was it a whole day? A lot of, it must have been a lot of things. - In and out in 30 minutes. - Wow. - Well, it's just, it was just like, look out. You know, stuff like that. You better run. - Honestly, the motto of many prostitutes. - Come on to you, man. (laughing) Oh my God, he's after me. - Ah, those are the auditions that I always used to have to go on when I was, thought I would be an actor, as I was, okay Dan, any time. (clears throat) Jack, don't. (laughing) - Thank you. - That's hard. That's hard to do just a little bit. - It's worth, no, it's actually incredibly difficult. Yeah. - I'd rather say a lot. - Wait, Dan, do one more. Do this, one about chip. - Oh, truer falls. By the way, the audience is looking at me like the jury and a trial I'm losing. (laughing) Truer falls. I plagued Chip, a wealthy member of the Wentworth family visited by Roseanne. And season nine of ABC's Roseanne. - Trigger. - You got it. (bell rings) - Trigger. - You got it. - Season nine of Roseanne. Is that after they won the lotto? - I was after the win the lotto. And I was also in the last season of Seinfeld. I was like the grim reaper of every sitcom in the '90s. I would show up and they're like, all right, Dan is wrapped, break down the set. (laughing) - So give it up. Like when they let me pitch on the last game of Little League, even though I was terrible. - Yeah. - That's your role in these shows. - Yeah, exactly. - I would literally come in with a siphon of cloak. - Now, I'm here to play the neighbor. - I have a theory which is that Roseanne has become Rosie O'Donnell's Wario. (laughing) What do you think about that? - What was Roseanne like at the end of that show? - Well, here's a funny, she had sort of taken the reins of the show and chased John Goodman and several other actors off of the premises. And at one point, we were sitting there and I was acting with Deena Merrill who's a giant movie star and we're just sitting there and the director goes, "You know what would be good?" And Roseanne goes, "You're talking to me!" And the role was that the director was not allowed to talk to Roseanne. So, he had to go through an intermediary. - Sounds like a healthy environment. - The wheels had come off. The wheels had come off. - Yeah, I also just think creatively, it was a mistake for that family to win the lottery. - Yeah. - Because that was the whole thing. It's like, "What do we do?" - Well, that ended up charming and daring them. - Right, it's a little bit like the last season of Mad Men, there'd be like no more ads. - Yeah, wait. - No more affairs. - Yeah. - We're gonna keep it clean. - What if the Beverly Hills were poor? Then it would be sad. (laughing) - Right, right. Yeah, yeah, we're not friends anymore. - Yeah, don't show our homes. - No one wants to see that. - Yeah, you gotta do the thing, do the thing, the thing they came for. - Does anyone know who murdered this man? I'm stumped. (laughing) I can't figure this out. - Oh, guys, I think we got the wrong guy. (laughing) All right, I hope we are back. (laughing) - Hey, don't go anywhere. - Love It Or Leave It is brought to you by Tommy John. This summer, don't be that guy. You know the one. 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It's my favorite thing. I had a bunch of different kinds from Tommy John and finally it's like, you know what? This is my favorite one. So I just bought a bunch of the second skin type. And I love it. It's my favorite. It's so comfortable. I wouldn't ever wear anything else. It's the best. So go to TommyJohn.com today and save 25% on your first order with code, love it. Comfort perfected. Just use code, love it. Check out it. Upgrade your essentials today. How do the Adams family relate to the monsters? They were both on at the same time. That's insane. 1964. Yeah, no, it's crazy. That's crazy. Remember, there was Armageddon and deeping back to the same time. Deeping back to the sophisticated Armageddon. That's about like no, not how they did it with the drills. We have a better way of doing it. Big and 18 again. Oh, yeah. Big and 18 again. And the videoker idea is at the same time. And vice versa. Remember vice versa? Well, with Judd, with Judd Ryan Holder, right? What? I thought you were way younger than me. You're a little spring chicken now. Let's get that Juviderm. Look at that. You drink that Juviderm. Are you 107? I'm 43 years old, but I also, I've. He's older than Irene Ryan was at the end in Beverly Hillbillies. She was in early 30s. She was in early 30s on that show. All right, we're back. This is part of the show now. She also played Gidget during the summer. So, and we'll get you back to your care center as soon as we can. You're state, by the way, you're doing a great job with part of this effort to kind of get you out into the-- [APPLAUSE] I had yellow today. Oh, my god. My dad's 95. Your dad's 95. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Can't get close enough with a steak and a mallet. No, it's alarming. It is? No, it's alarming, for sure. Steak and a mallet. Trying to understand. Oh, it's like he's a vampire. Oh, I'm so stupid. No, I thought he was eating his steak. That's your luck, I thought he was eating his steak. No. We probably is right now. He's steak and a mallet. You know what it is? I don't think they-- you don't need the mallet. They never have a mallet. You've brought a mallet into it as if that's the classic way of saying it. You know, what's the guy-- what's the guy? Val, hell, man, hell, man. He's no fucking mallet. Yeah, he does his steak. He's got a mallet. He has a mallet? I thought you just jam it in there. What do you worry it in? What slowly worry it is? It's probably a rubbery mallet. Yes, the vampire way. She's-- hard parts over. Hard parts over. [LAUGHTER] We're really-- I want to jam, love it, and leave it. Oh my god, that's so funny. Shut up. Shut up, Dracula. I'm killing you. You're right. There's a mallet. Of course there's a mallet. And then horse. Dumb sheep. Sherlock Holmes comes in. Maybe we could shame him to death. No! Ah, Alana. Yes. Hey, why is it like the first day to act with that little bear? Oh, well. On Ted. He is not a bear. Oh. No, he's just like two eyeballs on a metal stick. Yeah, 'cause I assume segment farm is too rich to be hiding behind the couch during the takes. No, well, he's hiding behind the bushes. Oh, he's in there. Wow. In there, they have him in this little booth. And they basically, for season, they had him, you know, they had all of these wires connected to him to pick up all of his emoting and, you know, expressions and everything. And he read with us off camera for every single scene. Wow. And we were looking at, you know, two little eyeballs on a metal stick the entire time, but we had to because of CGI. And then, in a matter of a year when we did second season, he no longer needed any of those wires because technology had already advanced. It's like just film. We don't even need the dots anymore. We don't even need those fucking dots. Wild. Eat shit, those little dots. Amazing. Do you have to talk to this bear? I didn't have to talk to the bear. You didn't get to talk to the bear? But I did write some of the bear's dial. Oh, you wrote the bear's, yeah, 'cause you, and you also played a priest on the show. I did, I played a lot of his priest. He put the dildo on the bear. Huh. He wrote the dildo on the bear. He wrote that episode with the dildo on the bear. And no, it is true. I wrote, the episode I wrote, you start, that's, you start out writing a funny pastiche of the graduate. (laughing) And then, and then you, you, then you find yourself googling, what size is the average dildo, yeah? (laughing) Yeah, they look bigger though. I mean, they look bigger. You know, Seth always likes to say, you know, I just wanted to do a musical, you know, music comedy. I just wanted to do, you know, musical theater. And before I know it, I'm on set. And they're just showing me different sizes of dildos. And I'm like, yeah, that'll work. That'll work on the bear. It's, it's the kind of thing where you don't think you're gonna have an opinion and then you see two dildos and suddenly, you got an opinion. You're gonna have an opinion. It's like a theory decorating, in a sense. You're like, I didn't, I didn't know I cared about this, but now I have an opinion. No, I know. They're not anatomical at all anymore. Oh. No, they're just like weird, lime green, twisty shapes and bright orange. Huh. Curly cues, sex toys now look like replacement limbs in veterans' hospital. (audience laughing) Now, Dana, you've been interviewing people dressed up as Dr. Zaeus from Planet of the Apes. And I'm gonna just say that sentence again. Dana, you've been interviewing people dressed up as Dr. I would like to show everyone a clip. Like, I imagine the inventor of Pringle's opening up a bag of potato chips, like, whew! (audience laughing) Like, he feels like a bag of potato chips the way you hear, like, burn a herzog describing birds. Like, go ahead. It's idiot, it's nothing but screaming. I can't stand to lose. Dana, do you ever worry that you're too niche? (audience laughing) Not obscure enough. I was so glad you were coming on the show because this started coming across my feed. And I just, yes, this case these days, you'll see something and you'll, it's like, how long has this been going on? Why is this not more, well, how is this a secret? - It's genius. - It's, what? - It's genius. - This is so insane. I feel like either this must either have just begun or the world should be talking about this. How, how are you getting dressed up as Dr. Zaeus and having a talk show? Why isn't anyone stopping this? How did it happen? - The whole thing is something of a horrible miracle. - So, how did this start? - When, when, I, okay, the very truncated version of the story is I wrote a sketch for the Ben Stiller Show, a block and a half up the street in 1992. Dr. Zaeus is doing Mark Twain tonight. I thought it'd be really funny. And we got canceled before I got a chance to do it. And 18 short years later, I did it on a John Hodgman show at Sketchfest in San Francisco. 'Cause by then I met a makeup. I have a lot of friends in that business 'cause I'm working horror movies, I love horror movies. - Do you pay them every single time they've ever been? - Every goddamn time. That's expensive and so-- - Little hobby. - I did it there, that kind of YouTube. You can see it, Dr. Zaeus is Mark Twain. It'll come up, it's very funny. And then someone said, "Hey, could you do this "political benefit I did something as I hosted "as Dr. Zaeus?" And then, "Hey, could you get onto Atlanta?" And they want to interview you for the Fathom events when they show Planet of the Apes and Theaters. And I did it and it just became a weird side hustle. And then during COVID, my friend Rob Cohen, who I worked with on the instiller, said, "Why don't we do a talk show like Space Ghost?" 'Cause it was COVID and we were bored. And I thought, "Here's what's good about it. "It's gonna cost a fortune to do." (audience laughing) But it will put us at risk of being sued by Disney. (audience laughing) I actually did want to ask you about the rights. Yeah, good question, John. So, no, we have a gentleman's agreement that if I don't make too much money, they're not gonna kick up a fuss. And I told them, "No worries." (audience laughing) So, a recent study out of East China and Normal University in Shanghai, found that mask wearing increased what the researchers described as malevolent creativity by heightening anonymity with no effect on moral sensitivity. The study defines malevolent creativity as intentional use of novel ideas to disrupt social order or undermine cultural values. Is that the goal? It's not the goal, but it's a delicious side effect. (audience laughing) But it really is. I will say, I can act, but I'm not an actor. But I do actually, when you're in that much makeup and you're in the costume, you think differently. My wife says, "You're gone." When you do that, you walk differently. You sit differently. It's called, in the zone. In the zone. Yeah. And I will come up with stuff because of his personality. His personality is basically Sammy Davis, Jr. He's just like, he knows everybody in the business. He loves everybody in the business. It's not between two ferns. It's a sequiousness to a ridiculous degree. And, which is much more my personality. And, but I will say things that I don't think I would think of or I was interviewing Weird Al Yankovick and I just wouldn't like. Al, and I think I speak for everyone here in the audience when I ask, "What do you do?" And, like, I would never have said that. But there's something, it's like you can say that. Yeah, because Jimi Nglick has that a little bit too. There's like a freeing thing, man. Much more profitable than what I do. What if over time? You start to realize that you write better or think better as Dr. Z. And you're like, you know what? If I'm going to really write this script, I got to get into the-- and then more and more of your days are spent in the costume. Until one day, there is no Dana Ghouls. That's an Indie, that's age 24. Only-- there's only Dr. Z. I would-- I would bring like that in a half minute. That's a movie. Not gonna happen. But the idea of, there is no Dana Ghouls will eventually be true. [LAUGHTER] Alana. [LAUGHTER] Do you ever wake up on a day when you have to act and go, ugh, acting? I hate this. What a mistake I made. Oh gosh, I-- no. I had a lobotomy, and I just love it. I still do. It's very weird. No, I'm a dog with a ball. I have this dog Stewie. He passed away not too long ago and not to depress anyone. But it's a beautiful story. He loved his red ball. And even at the very end, like the day he died, he just loved the ball. And I just-- I love the ball. I'm that kind of a weirdo. I'm a freak. Yeah. Not weird. It's cool, though. Oh, it's-- I'm Santa Claus and Santa Claus at the mall. You do the thing you love. Yeah, I love it. And I will say-- I will say-- Thank you. Because I was-- you should play the mom on the show Ted Scott Grimes played the father, and I was in the writer's room. And we would finish these scripts, and we thought they're a pretty good damn plenty, John. All these people have to do is read it, and it's gold. And what you see on the show is so much funnier than what left the room. They really are. All that cast is so great. And they're really-- they're really brilliant. That was a good time. Yeah, she's terrific. Yeah. So what can you just say when we were working on the newsroom that his ideal director would just take his scripts and put them on a music stand and then have a white glove just turn the pages for the audience at home to just read? That was his ideal version of his one of his films being directed. Yeah, he dated Pauline Poroschkova. Oh, interesting. I remember that for like a hot minute. Do you know anything about it? Do you have his phone number? Let's call him. Let's ask what she was like. Horrors, honestly. He never gave-- He never gave me his number. Alana. You're unlucky, which is premiering on July 15th on Apple TV. Plus, the plus is for the TV shows. Yes. That's what the plus is. It's for the shows. Yes, Anya is phenomenal in it. She's a con artist, and she cons myself. And I-- yeah, and I get to pull a gun out on her. And there's this wonderful rattlesnake in my episode, named Mr. Whiskers, I think his name is. And he's been in the business for a long time. He was born without a rattle, apparently. That's-- Oh, wow. And so they have his little rattle costume hung up for him in his trailer, and then they put it up. [BLANK_AUDIO] No joke. And I was in a scene with him. And I think it was the same rattle from Euphoria. Mr. Whiskers. Check out Dr. Z. On YouTube, on hanginwithdoctorz.com, and you can catch Ilana in Lucky Premiering on July 15, on Apple TV plus the plus stands for TV shows. And oh, Dana's doing a special perfectly normal on 800-pound gorillas YouTube channel as well. That's right. We will be right back. Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Willey's Remedy. I love Willey's Remedy. It's my favorite. It's a great thing to do at the end of the day. Yesterday, I did two episodes of Love It or Leave It right back to back. And I got home, I was a little wired from the show. I was like, you know what, I have little Willey's, you know? And it was great, relaxing, the best, huge fan. It's a THC infused social tonic crafted by the legendary Willey Nelson. It's low calorie, low sugar alcohol, alternative that actually works, living a fast-acting euphoric social buzz without the regrets that come with alcohol. Willey's social tonics come in 5MG and 10MG doses with a best-in-class flavor experience. So smooth and balanced, you'll barely realize you're drinking a THC product at all. You can enjoy the tonics as a shot, sipped over ice, or mix into your favorite mocktail. Willey's not that feared, edible. You ate too much of in college. Each bottle of Willey's is third party lab tested for accurate dosage. So you can trust and customize your experience. Willey's unique blend of THC, CBD, CBG, and L-Fleaning deliver a feeling of calm, clarity, euphoria, and relaxation. One shot of Willey's helps you relax, unwind, and de-stress perfect for taking the edge off at the end of a long day. Willey's ships directly to your door in 40 states and has sold out three times in the first six months with over 300,000 plus happy customers. So order now at drinkwillys.com and use code lowly for 20% off your first order. Free shipping on orders over $95 and live like a legend. That's code L-O-L-I at drinkwillys.com. (upbeat music) And we're back. Pop culture, boy, we love it. But sometimes, can you know what? It's real people. (laughing) Cybergame, we're calling the people have spoken. Here's how it works. Alana and Dana, I'm gonna read you and in St. headline, you will tell us. Is this a real honest to God people headline that a human being wrote up? Or a fake one that our human beings wrote up? - All righty. - Are you ready? - Yes. - First up, singer G Flip gets thigh tattooed with meaningful ink by off-campus cast in "Sweet Behind the Scenes" video. - Yes, it's true. - You got it. - Did you know any of that? - It was just too specific, yeah. - It didn't sound like my G Flip. - G Flip. - G Flip. - G, G Flip. (laughing) - How do you say hello to Flip Wilson? - Come on. - G Flip. - You're in Karnak now and you're fucking doing it. - I'm up here for me. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I love it. - You know he's doing Karnak. You clause, I'm insulting them for you. - The cotton tops, no? - Yeah, yeah. - Astronaut opens up about what it's like to be on "Ozemic in Space" exclusive. - False. - You got it, it's fake. - We made it up. - We made it up. - Yeah, the astronaut. They don't interview astronauts. - I'm gonna, I'm just gonna say this with no experience, but I'm gonna guess that zero G is not where you want diarrhea. Next headline, Sarah Bareilles told Anderson Cooper she wouldn't give him writing credits after he inspired a song quote, "You have enough money." - True. - I hope it's true. - Yeah, it is. She said that. No credits from Sarah Bareilles. - Snow-haired news, Maven. - With his T-shirts. - Yeah. - John Cena debuts bald look in preparation for second-hand transplant. I went all in. - That is, that is true. - I saw that. (bell dings) - It was true. - Yeah. - There he is, yeah. And there's a sweetness to him. He looks, you know? - He looks like a ball. - I think he looks like a ball. - He looks good. - Yeah. - I have a theory about bald men. Let me tell you something. - Here it goes. - A lot of testosterone going on when you lose your hair. You know what I'm saying, ladies, right? They fell asleep again. Come on, guys. - Well, you can do the, 'cause you got, well, you have to have the head for it. You have to have the head for it. - You have to have the head for it. - I'm a Patrick Stewart, the Ed Harris. - Yeah, they have just that. - Yeah. - There's something on those. Good ridgelines. - I think me. - No, no, I would just, I would look, it would be bad. - Yeah. - It would be bad. - Yeah, I just think there's no way around it. Some people, I just, it wouldn't work. It wouldn't work. - I look one of those marshmallow, remember those foam marshmallow peanuts? - Uh-huh. - Yeah, that's what I got going on. - Yeah, sort of off. - Yeah, but not facing the way you go. - I'm not facing the way you go. - No one, you're not facing the way you go. - I'm facing the way you go. - Not every day, but more than you think, Mary's steam virgin on her marriage to dead dancing, new pictures. - True. Very boring. - I was gonna say it was true, but it's not about what you think. - Yeah, right, it's just about baking. - Yeah. - Did she really say that? Jojo Siwa clarifies comments on Israel. (laughing) - Woo, true, true baby. - No, no, we made it up. (bell dings) - Oh, this is too much. Do Alipa's terrifying health scare, a psychic told me I had Lyme disease. (laughing) - I hope that's true. - Please. - Yeah, we made it up. - Riley Green admits he thought his ex-girlfriends would text him when he won people's sexiest country star. They didn't. - Um, true. - Yeah, yeah. - That was real. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I like that one. - Yeah. - That's right. - That, see, and by the way, that's the problem. - I don't think Riley has any. - That's the sexiest country star. - That he is. - Ned Sanders. - Woo. - You could try to mock that. That's a Hawkeye. - No, that's not good. - That is a beautiful picture. - Yeah. - That's a true album, Oakley Dokeley. (laughing) - I, he can Oakley, my Dokeley, all night long. - The Oakley Dokeley rich boy. - Well, you're jealous. You're jealous. The boys are jealous. - Oakley, Oakley, Oakley, Oakley. - No, I don't understand the mustache. - I do. - Just the single stash. - I do. - No, I know a lot of people do it. I don't get it. - I just have never, I've never been able to do it. - I get it all night long. (laughing) - Well, it is important to, you look like a porn star. - You know what I'm saying. - I mean, he does look cool. - Or a firework. - I'd be certain people can pull it off and say. - Sure, certain people can really pull it off. And I think he's pulling it off. - It's beautiful. - I don't think I would pull it off. I think I would look like a baby in a sky. - It's a fake mustache. - Look at that. - Like a sick baby in disguise. - Like a babe. - You look like a. - You look like a. - Toddler trying to sneak into an R-rated movie. - Well. (laughing) - Now that the markets have closed, I guess I'll go see Transformers. (laughing) - Fantastic. Yeah, he's gorgeous. - No, I don't get it. You've won the game. (laughing) - All right. - Now, you've won the game, he's spat. (laughing) - With jaggers in my eyes. (laughing) - We're having fun, right? - Yes! - Yes! - I've had a great time tonight. - Show me more naked guys on your TV screen over there. - But the question is, did everyone else? Because it's time for a segment we call second thoughts. Here's how it works. I have a comprehensive list of all the things that the producers of this show wish I had done differently. (laughing) And I'm gonna run through them with you. Because we're gonna kind of learn and grow. And if you have any second thoughts about tonight, this is your opportunity. - Let's do it, babe. - First up, I shouldn't give the pentagon ideas about destroying the city of Brussels. (laughing) Also, I should have said bruises. - Bruises? - Bruises. - Is the city bruises in bruises? - Bruises. - Bruises, just bruises. - Maybe that's a funnier word. I tried my main accent. (laughing) - What is, do you do a main accent? - Well, we did it because we had the joke for it. Unlike you, we wrote the joke and then saw if I could do it. Right, I'm from Massachusetts and I can't do a main accent. - Well, I think it's, you sort of, you kind of, it's a, to me, it's a magic magic. - It's a magic magic. - You sort of like, what if Catherine Hepburn didn't shake as much, you know? - Right. - You know what I mean, you just, you do Catherine Hepburn, but you don't, you just kind of leave it. You leave it up here, you don't, you don't, you don't vibe. - You don't do, you don't let it shake. - You just kind of do, look, this is, 'cause once it starts shaking, then you're in the Catherine Hepburn thing. - You know, the old joke about Catherine Hepburn going into the adult novelty store and she goes, do you have those little eggs that people put inside, they have a giant, is that vibrate? And they go, yes, we do. How do you turn them off? (laughing) - Yeah, it's a great joke. - It's a great joke and that's a great, and that's a great joke. - It's a great joke. - Catherine Hepburn. - Catherine Hepburn, a clever legend. - I know a timely reference. (laughing) - It probably wasn't, it was a mistake for me to say to the audience, that was about Jews. (laughing) - I called Dana a big, a big whole guy. (laughing) I shouldn't have said how old I am. Let's see, I argued about the logistics of killing a vampire and was wrong. (laughing) - I did not have any the target in a damn. (laughing) - I brought up a study from East China Normal University. (laughing) We, I failed to explain any context of the dildo on Ted. Didn't he even ask a question or a follow up? - Yeah, did he? - You know, always better in theory than practice. - Yeah. - 100%, 100%. - Better to be talked about than seen. I thought you meant Dildos are better in theory than practice. - I did, oh. - I did mean that. - Yeah. - Yeah. - It's fantastic, you have to watch that episode. Which episode, it's the first one, isn't it? Or the second? - I believe it is the, I don't know. - Second, yeah. - It's, it's a funny one. - You know, type in Dildo teddy bear. - Yeah. - Don't type in Dildo teddy bear. - Dildo, don't, hey, do yourselves a favor. Don't do, I'm trying something else. - Dildo teddy bear. - So find it. Dildo teddy bear. - Dildo teddy bear. - AI Elvis film. - I just don't want to watch. - You type, you type, you type Dildo teddy bear into your search bar, then it's just, yeah. There's a knock on the door. - Yeah, but you're the thing. It's sad that if you type Dildo teddy bear into your search bar, something's gonna come up, you know? - Yeah, yeah. - I often wonder if, like, well, I, during COVID, I watched all of the porn. - All of the porn. - All of the, I got, I finally clicked on the last link and it was just the skeleton and a miner's hat. - That's it, you're all done. (laughing) - Holding up a lantern in a mine. - There's nothing left. - Well, how much of that time were you gay, you think? - A good, 33%, it's always 35%. - It's always 35%. - It's always 35%. - It's Kinsey scale. - But I just could not keep myself dedicated to the necessary physical fitness. - And what is your favorite porn? - It's been years. That's a weird thing. - I like behind the green door. - And all honesty. - Naughty Marietta. - Yeah, but all of, like, the, when I watched porn. - Sex boat. - All those women are now, like, old, nice old ladies now that, you know, it's like, they're all-- - They're all, but they still have spirit. - Yeah, it possibly, this is where I'm going to end the show. - Yeah. (laughing) - I just, that is where we're at. And we could, just as it was. - You know who the first pornist I was Lucy, you know, the one they found in Africa. (laughing) - And you mean like, Australopithecus. - Yeah. - Yeah. - That was the first one. - It was a clan of the sex cave bear. And it was a spin-off. Oh, a spin-off. - A spin-off, all right. - And that's our show. (cheering) Thank you so much. - You're on a U-Box and data gold. There are 117 days until the midterm elections. And we will be back in your feeds on Friday. Have a great night. - You don't, you don't have to air every one. - Love and relief, it is a crooked media production. Our show is produced by Kendra James, Bill McGrath, Kelsey Gante, and me, John Lovebitt. Our production team includes Hallykeeper, Sarah Lazarus, Roman Borcellino, Peter Miller, David Tolls, Claudia Shang, Jay Banks, Gavin Purcell, and Matt DeGrope. And our staff is proudly unionized with a writer's guild of America East. (upbeat music)